Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 1, Episode 33 - A Millionaire for Kate - full transcript

An old schoolmate of
Kate's comes for a visit,

having now become a
great success in business.

Uncle Joe, however, has
his doubts about the man,

and figures to expose him as
the con artist he's convinced he is.

The role of H.J. Grant is
played by Hayden Rourke,

best known as the
beleaguered Dr. Bellows

on I Dream of Jeannie.

And this episode
aired May 5, 1964.

Here is "The
Millionaire for Kate."

(train whistle blows twice)

♪ Come ride the little train ♪



♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪

(bell clanging)

♪ Forget about your cares ♪

♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪

(whistle blows twice)

♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪

♪ And even more when you get ♪

♪ To the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

(snare drum plays train rhythm)

♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪



♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪

♪ At the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪

(train whistle blows twice)

"Occupant, Shady Rest Hotel."

"Occupant, Shady Rest Hotel."

"Occupant, Shady Rest Hotel."

(chuckles)

I wish the Shady Rest
had as many occupants

as it has mail for them.

But, then, I guess
it's just as well

we don't have too many guests

with the girls going
on their trip and all.

Bring on the customers, Kate.

We can use the money.

Besides, you got me and Orville

to take care of any
work that comes up.

You mean the way
you're doing it right now

when you should be cleaning
up the rooms upstairs?

Yeah, let's clean out
those rooms, Mr. Carson.

Your move.

"H.J. Grant."

I don't know any H.J. Grant.

Oh, sure, Herbie Grant.

Who's Herbie Grant, Mom?

A boy I went to school with.

Let's see here.

"In as much as most
of my financial interests

"are centered in
Europe, I have spent

the intervening
years on the continent.

"However, business negotiations

"require me to
be in Hooterville,

"and I'm looking forward to...

reminiscing with you."

Hmm.

Expensive stationery.

That guy is a phony.

You don't even know the man.

Kate, you only buy
expensive stationery

like this when you're
about to go bankrupt.

Guy's a phony.

Who is he, Mom?

Well, he was a
senior in high school

when I was a freshman.

Ooh, I had such a crush on him.

I used to take the
long way to algebra

just so I could
pass him in the hall.

Gee, I wish we
hadn't picked this time

to visit Aunt Winifred
in Groverdale.

Yeah, we're gonna
miss all the fun.

Well, I'm not, if I can help it.

Maybe we ought to
postpone our trip... No.

No, you don't.

You picked the time to go
see Aunt Winnie; I didn't.

And you're not gonna disappoint
that sweet, lonely woman.

But, Mom, we could stay here,

(train whistle blows) and we
could help you, and we could...

Oh, come on, girls, get going.

Bye, Mom.

Bye, Uncle Joe.

Good-bye. Good-bye, Mom.

Bye, Mom. Bye, Uncle Joe.

Bye, Orville. Oh, bye, Betty Jo.

Good-bye, Orville. So long.

Don't work too hard.

Give Aunt Winnie a
kiss for me. We will.

GIRLS: Bye, Mom.

Take care, you hear?

Okay. Bye-bye.

Gee, Mr. Carson, I
have no place to move.

Sure, you have.

You can jump me
right there, Orville.

Oh, yeah, thanks.

What'd you do that
to me for, Mr. Carson?

That's one of
life's lessons, son.

Never be too quick
to trust anybody,

not even the most
honest guy alive... me.

Hi, Georgette.

This is Mr. Grant.

How are things in France?

(French accent): Oh, Monsieur
Grant, we were so worried.

We had not heard
from you for 24 hours.

Where are you?

Hooterville.

I'm gonna be here for a week.

I don't want to be disturbed.

Oh, well, Monsieur Grant,

Madagascar wants to know if
they can go ahead with the dam.

Buenos Aires would
like a $5 million loan.

Anderson called from Nairobi.

They discovered oil
in your diamond mine.

Should they go on digging?

And Ethiopia wants to
know about the pipeline.

All right.

Yes on one and three.

No on two and four.

Anything else?

(train chugging)

Okay, so long.

(brakes squealing)

(bell clanging)

Hi there, I'm Herb Grant.

Carson's my name.

The house dick at
the Shady Rest Hotel.

Oh?

Well, things haven't
changed much

around here, have they?

Crime prevention-wise,
they have.

We're plugged
right into the FBI,

CIA, Scotland Yard.

We get bulletins on card sharks,

con men, everybody.

Maybe you'd better get back

on the train, keep moving.

The hotel is this way, isn't it?

Oh, yes, sir, I'll take
your bag for you.

No, thanks, I'll carry it.

Just like I figured,
he's a phony.

Carrying his own bags
to avoid paying a tip,

which he can't afford.

He dresses pretty good.

Remember, you can rent anything.

Yeah, but suppose he
really is a millionaire.

Millionaire?

Where's his spats, his top hat,

his diamond stickpin?

If he's a millionaire,
he's out of uniform.

Well, he looked
sort of refined to me.

Forget it, them city haircuts

will fool you every time.

Come on, we better
keep an eye on him.

Herbie?

Kate?

I mean... H.J.?

Uh, rather, Mr. Grant.

(chuckling)

It's still Herbie to you.

It's still Kate to you, Herbie.

Well... you sure look,
um... nice, I guess.

And you look nice, too,
Kate, and I'm not guessing.

KATE: Well, thank
you. Welcome home.

H.J.: Thanks, Kate,
it's nice to be home.

Home: that's one word

he can start eliminating
from his vocabulary,

starting with the
next train out of here.

I'll nail him.

Watch this.

Grant. Oh, hi there.

Mr. Grant.

After you get rested,
how about a little poker?

If you don't mind
playing with a fella

that don't know an
ace from a deuce.

Thanks, but I never
played cards in my life.

Well, how about a
little crap shooting

out behind the barn?

No, I never gamble
on games of chance.

You don't, huh?

Well, I'll try to
think up something

you'll find entertaining.

Thanks, but I'm
getting along fine.

You know, a fella
could do a lot worse

than settling down right here.

I've got it now!

His gimmick's gigolo.

He'll take Kate

for every last
desperate cent she's got,

then break her heart.

Yeah, but I thought Mrs. Bradley

didn't have much money.

You got a point there.

Maybe gigolos are having
a desperate year, too.

Besides, I think this guy

is on to how much
this hotel's worth.

Well, how much is it worth?

I haven't the least idea.

You know, I feel very proud

knowing that a
fella from Hooterville

has done as well as you've done.

Tell me, did you
ever get married?

No, Kate, I never got married.

Never got married?

Please, you make it
sound like a capital crime.

Well, I don't mean to.

It's just that it...
it-it seems strange

that in your travels, that
you didn't meet some girls.

Oh, I met girls, but, uh,
after you move around

from one place to another...

well, you... you
certainly meet girls.

Trouble is, Kate,
they're girls, not women.

I think that's why I
had to come back, Kate,

to recapture something.

H.J.: I think the time has come

for us to get better acquainted.

KATE: Sounds like
a nice idea, Herbie.

This ain't no penny-ante crook.

Mark my words,
this guy's after Kate,

the hotel and everything.

I gotta get rid of him and fast.

A good, thick coat of
paint would cover up

a multitude of
sins, as they say.

Just like Kate, bless her heart,

loading on all that
makeup every morning.

Oh, she doesn't look
like she applies any.

JOE: Now, don't get me wrong.

Kate's a fine little
woman, bless her heart.

She needs some dental work.

Could probably stand to
have her appendix removed

if she could afford it.

But she'll marry some sucker...

er, some fella one of these days

and get what she
needs, bless her heart.

Uncle Joe, here's some
more coffee, bless its heart,

for your dear little
cup, bless its heart.

Now, you drink it up
while it's good and hot.

Bless its heart.

Excuse me.

Uncle Joe...

I want you to stop
all this nonsense

with Herbie, and I
especially want you

to stop it tonight
around supper time.

Why tonight?

Because Herbie asked if
we could eat by candlelight.

It's his favorite way
of enjoying a meal.

I get the picture.

Just the two of you,

with him moving closer
with every mouthful.

Forget it.

I ain't letting you
out of my sight.

Things are beginning
to look black.

That crook in
there is getting set

to move in for the kill tonight.

Gosh, I guess I'm too young

to know a criminal
when I see one,

but Mr. Grant doesn't
look like one to me.

That's what makes him so deadly.

But I done a little
snooping in his room.

Did you ever hear
of a millionaire

with no monogram on his pajamas?

Gosh, I guess not.

Or a millionaire
with a pair of shoes

with a hole in the
sole? Golly, no.

Or a millionaire
that never seems

to have any pocket change?

Boy, I think you've
got him pegged

right at that, Mr. Carson.

You're a smart man.

I gotta throw a monkey
wrench in this guy's plans

before the girls come
back and find the hotel gone.

And before he breaks
Kate's heart to boot.

Well, come on, Mr. Carson.

Tell me what your plan is, huh?

This guy's got
more than one angle,

so we gotta hit him
with more than one plan.

Yeah, well, like what,
Mr. Carson, like what?

Like the plan that's
coming along right now.

Old man-hungry Mabel Snark.

Hi, Joe, Orville.

Hiya, Mabel.

Afternoon, Mabel, you
old heartbreaker, you.

Heartbreaker?

Now, what is that
supposed to mean?

Now, don't kid me, Mabel.

Over at the Shady
Rest, all you hear is,

"Mabel, that doll,"

"Mabel, that dreamboat,"

"Mabel, that gorgeous
hunk of woman."

Who's been saying that?

And please tell me it was a man.

Oh, it was a man all
right, and what a man.

Well, uh, who is he?

Is he single or anything?

He's single and everything.

Handsome, debonair,
gay, man about town.

Well, who... for heaven's sakes,

who is this loving doll?

Well, he's a fella
staying at the Shady Rest.

Well, what's his name?

Well, for the time being,
we'll just call him Mr. X.

Well, why hasn't he
looked me up before?

I'm not hard to
reach in Hooterville.

Believe me, I am
not hard to reach.

Well, he's a mite shy.

Well, he shouldn't
be, not with me.

Why don't you come on over

at the Shady Rest
and get acquainted?

Uh, well, Joe, uh,

how do you think
this would hit him?

Right between
his baby blue eyes.

Handsome! Dashing!

Debonair! With baby blue eyes?

Ooh, that's enough to
make a girl flip her lid!

Ain't it the truth?

But save your lid-flipping
till you meet him

in person at the
Shady Rest tonight.

I'll be there.

Baby blue eyes... (playful bark)

Excuse me, Mr. Carson,
but do you think

she's competition
for Mrs. Bradley?

Not competition, boy, confusion.

What are you up
to now, Mr. Carson?

Plan number two, Orville my boy.

Insurance.

You got change
for a five? Heck no.

Let me have a dime, will you?

Don't worry about
your dime, Orville,

you'll get it back,
every penny of it.

I will?

The form of satisfaction.

Oh, great.

Hello, Sheriff Ragsdale?

Carson here reporting
the whereabouts of a joker

I figure has got to be the most
wanted con man in the country.

Yeah, he'll be at the
Shady Rest tonight.

Just doing my duty as
a public-spirited citizen.

Well, naturally, if
there's a reward,

we'll split it.

More magazines to burn, Orville.

(thuds) Hey!

Look what I found in
one of the magazines.

Yeah? Mr. Carson, it's
a picture of Mr. Grant.

Grant? I knew it.

Let's see what he's wanted for.

"H.J. Grant is pictured
above under armed escort..."

I knew he was a
crook. I never miss.

Keep reading, Mr. Carson.

"under armed escort
as he carried part of his

"famous diamond
collection to its new home

"in the Grant
International Bank vault.

"Experts place the value
of the diamond collection

"at $10 million.

"This amount, however,
represents only a fraction

of Grant's vast fortune."

What do you think of
Mr. Grant now, Mr. Carson?

I got to go show this to Kate

so she'll stop
worrying about this guy.

Kate! Kate!

Wait till you see this
picture of boy, Herbie Grant.

"Our boy"?

Kate, it takes a big man
to admit he was wrong.

I've never been this
big a man before.

Well, I guess Herbie's as
wealthy as he says he is.

Maybe now you'll stop
calling him a phony.

Well, I just wanted to
make sure my favorite niece

wasn't being took in
by some fortune hunter.

(chuckles)

You know what's
in my bank account.

There isn't much danger of that.

Well, it's always
good to make sure.

Now we can relax
knowing it's all over

but the dull formalities.

What "dull formalities"?

Well, his proposing,
you accepting.

Whoa, Uncle Joe, back up.

I like Herbie Grant very much,

but let's not turn a
friendly homecoming

into a flaming romance.

Kate, after 30
years, you don't think

he just happened to
be in the neighborhood.

Uh... Uncle Joe, will you stop

fanning the flames
where there's no fire?

Look, Kate, to them
tycoons, time is money.

And they don't go around
squandering, neither.

Why, I figure Herbie Grant
makes so much money,

that if he dropped
a ten-dollar bill,

it'd cost him $20 worth
of his time to pick it up.

I never want to be that rich.

Oh, and speaking of Herbie,

he likes his supper on time.

So don't you and Orville

keep him waiting at the table.

Oh, well, me and Orville's
got some more stuff

to clean out of
the upstairs room.

I'll tell you, we'll
just take a sandwich

to munch on while we're working.

Guess you and Herbie

will have to eat together alone.

Well, that's how things
work out sometimes, Kate.

All right, Uncle Joe,
I'm perfectly willing to be

swept off my feet, but, um...

please, let Herbie
handle the broom.

Well, good evening, Herb.

Good evening, Joe.
How are you this evening?

Fine, fine. Just come
over here, sit down, relax.

Kate'll have supper
ready in a little while.

Well, thanks, but, uh,

why the sudden
change in attitude?

What do you mean?

Oh, come on, Joe.

You haven't been
overly polite before this.

(laughs)

Finally caught
on to the rib, huh?

What rib?

Oh... I do this to
strangers all the time.

Find out if they got
a sense of humor.

Are you sure you
don't dislike me?

Dislike you? Well,
that's ridiculous.

I never met a
millionaire I didn't like.

Oh, Herbie, you
ready for supper?

Indeed I am.

May I take your arm?

As long as I have
it with me, why not?

Making money's very
important to you, isn't it, Herb?

Well, it's the only thing
I've learned to do well.

I could learn to
enjoy other things...

like sitting here with you.

Kate, I have a
great interest in you.

At what percent?

(laughs): Very good, Kate.

Your wit is sharp
and to the point.

I know we can
hit it off together.

I don't know, Herb.
I really don't know.

We will.

All it requires is
a little patience

and understanding
on both our parts.

(clattering)

(steam whistle blows)

Cannonball's stopping.

That means
somebody's getting off.

I'll go get rid of them.

Can't have any noisy
customers up here

messing things up right now.

Evening, Sheriff.

What brings you to the
Shady Rest this time...

Just remembered
what brought you here.

Where's the confidence
man you told me about, Joe?

"Confidence man"?
What do you mean?

The one you phoned me about.

Or is getting me
all the way out here

this time of night your
idea of some kind of a joke?

Joke? Joke? I don't
joke with you, Sheriff,

not with your temper.

I mean, you're my
favorite lawman.

Why don't you come
back in the morning,

put the pinch on him.
Good night, Sheriff.

Don't be ridiculous, Joe.

I'm taking him in tonight.

Wait a minute, Sheriff.

Don't go in there;
you'll spoil everything.

What's the matter?

Is he holding
somebody as a hostage?

Is that it? Yeah,
yeah, that's it.

Why don't you go
and get reinforcements

and come back in the morning?

I don't need them.

I'll grab this joker by myself.

No, Sheriff! Hold it! Wait!

No, wait!

Now, where is he, Joe?

Who's this rat
holding as hostage?

So the fella said,
"That's not like me,

that's like my sister."

(laughing): Oh, no!

Where'd you get that one?

It's, Kate, isn't it, Joe?

That's why you ain't
making any sense,

ain't it, Joe? Yeah,
what'd I tell you?

Stand back, I'm
going in after him.

No, please, Sheriff.
Don't go in there.

You don't know
what you're doing.

Kate's okay, honest.

Please. The guy ain't in there.

Then where is he?

Well, that's the last of it.

I've cleaned out every
room in the place.

There's your man, Sheriff.

This kid? Hey, what's going on?

All right, fella, the jig's up.

Now tell the sheriff your name.

What did you say it
was? Babyface what?

"Babyface"? Mr. Carson,
I've been shaving

for two years now.

You're dang right, you have.

You've been shaving
and fleecing and taking

the poor, unsuspecting
public around here.

Now you go along
quietly with the sheriff.

Mr. Carson, what are
you trying to do to me?

Just a second, Joe.

Ain't you one of the Miggs kids?

Yeah, yeah, that's me.
I'm one of the Miggs kids.

Yeah, yeah, that's
the name... Miggs.

Babyface Miggs.

Now, take him away, Sheriff,
and the quicker and the quieter,

the better; I don't want
to wake up the guests.

Well, you've done
it again, Sheriff,

wrapped up another case.

Tell me how the trial comes out.

Well, so long, Sheriff.

Good luck, Babyface.
Now, just a minute, Joe.

Yeah, stop calling me Babyface.

I know this kid.

Now, I don't know what
kind of nonsense you're up to,

but I'm going to go in there
and talk to Kate and find out.

No, please, Sheriff...

Please don't go
in there right now.

Herbie ought to be getting
to the proposing part.

You'll spoil everything.

Now what are you talking about?

All my life, I've been
wanting to marry into money.

I may never get another chance.

Are you trying to tell me

that Kate's in there
with a gentleman friend?

That's right, Sheriff, so
please don't disturb them.

You know, having
dinner by candlelight,

romance, money...
you understand.

Yeah. All right, Joe.

I won't bother them. Come along.

Gee, thanks, Sheriff. I'm
sorry about the little mix-up.

That's perfectly all right.

Just one of those
things. Come along.

You sure been a
good sport, Sheriff.

Thanks, come along.

Sheriff? Yes, Joe?

Hey, Sheriff,

why do you keep
saying, "Come along"?

Because for putting
me through all this,

I'm going to let you spend
this night down in my jail.

You're joshing.

(laughs): You're going to jail.

Very funny, Babyface.
Now, let's go, Joe.

No, please, don't put me
in the hoosegow, Sheriff.

I ain't never been
booked before in my life.

No kidding? Well, let's go.

No, please, please.

I'd rather die than bring
disgrace to my good name,

to Kate, to the girls...
MABEL: Here I am.

Evening, Sheriff, Orville.

Well, Joe, where's
that handsome,

dashing, debonair
man about town?

I'm sorry, Mabel.

It was just another case of
me getting mixed up a little.

Oh, sure. So you
must be talking about

the fella in there
having dinner with Kate.

Oh, well, I hate
to interrupt Kate,

but I'm just dying to
see that romantic rascal

who thinks I'm just his type.

Gangway. No, wait
a minute, Mabel.

Wait a minute... the
fella in there ain't the one

that's crazy about you.

Now, you run along home,

I'll see that you get
to meet him later.

In a pig's eye!

I didn't get a
four-dollar hairdo

and all done up grand to
blow the whole evening.

I'm not leaving this
place until I meet Mr. X.

Mabel...

All right, Mabel.

Now you're have to gonna know

sooner or later
who this Mr. X is.

It's me. You?

You?! You've got to be kidding!

Why, you're old
enough to be my father.

Age ain't everything.

A fella can be young at heart

'cause a certain person
made him that way.

Well, gee, Joe,

um, why didn't you
ever tell me this before?

Well, I was afraid you just
wasn't interested in men.

That's why I made
up this little game,

draw you out in the open.

Well, gee, Joe, I had no idea.

You see, I've always
sort of looked on you

like a, well, an older brother.

Well, not really
an older brother,

uh, more like a big brother.

Well, at least that's
some kind of affection.

I'll settle for that.

Oh, no, you won't, Josie-doll.

Now that everything's
out in the open,

we'll have none of that
brother and sister stuff.

We're going to
get started right,

and let the whole world know
how we feel about each other.

Kiss me, you romantic devil you.

No, no... Now-now, now-now,

back up, Mabel, back up.

Some other time.
Some other time.

KATE: Uncle Joe, what...?

Mabel, what are you doing here?

And Sheriff Ragsdale?

Well, never mind them, Kate,

give us the good news.

When's the wedding date?

What wedding date?

Well, yours and Herbie's.

Herbie and I didn't
set any wedding date.

We're not going to.

Is that on the level, Herbie?

Completely.

As a matter of fact, we
were just talking about

what different
worlds we live in.

And we were joking
about what a marriage

between the two
of us would be like.

You were joking about it, Kate?

Yes, Uncle Joe.

You've got a poor
sense of humor.

It's downright poverty-stricken.

Thank you.

More coffee, Herbie?

I'd love to.

Night, folks.

What do you say, dollface?

Let's go for a moonlight walk.

Well, I'd love to, Mabel,

but, uh, the sheriff here
has just arrested me.

He's taking me
into jail immediately.

Aw, forget about it, Joe.

I'll do no such thing.

The sheriff doesn't
think it's important,

so let's drop the whole thing

and let's go for
that moonlight walk.

Sorry, Mabel, I got it coming.

Sheriff, Sheriff, do your duty.

Put me in jail. Lock me up.

(chuckles): Good night, Mabel.

Good night. Good
night, Joe. Have fun.

Hey, wait, Sheriff.

I'll walk down to
the train with you.

Great! Now for
that moonlight walk.

Sheriff! Come back!

I want to pay my
debt to society!

Come back, Sheriff,
and lock me up!

♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪

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