Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 1, Episode 30 - Kate and the Dowager - full transcript

Socialite Clara Watkins,

played by the incredibly
funny Doris Packer,

best known as the society snob
Mrs. Osborne on Dobie Gillis,

is currently staying at
the Shady Rest Hotel,

and she's a person with
plenty of influential friends.

So if she can be convinced

to talk her friends into
staying at the hotel as well,

the Hooterville Bank would
see how good business is,

and extend the
credit that Kate needs

to keep the business running.

Hmm... all those friends
would be more inclined



to come to the
hotel if it appeared

that it was already
booked solid.

Oh, what a tangled web is woven

in our show from
April 14, 1964...

"Kate and the Dowager."

(train whistle blows twice)

♪ Come ride the little train ♪

♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪

(bell clanging)

♪ Forget about your cares ♪

♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪

(whistle blows twice)

♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪

♪ And even more when you get ♪



♪ To the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

(snare drum plays train rhythm)

♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪

♪ At the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪

(train whistle blows twice)

(whispering): Here they come!

All right now, you two,
you get behind the desk.

I'll get on the phone.

On a phone that isn't connected?

Yeah, let's not get
ridiculous about this.

But does the man from the
bank know it isn't connected?

Like I said, you get at the
desk, I'll get on the phone.

My report will indicate the
hotel is in excellent condition,

considering its
age, Mrs. Bradley.

Oh, that's thrilling
news, Mr. Bunce.

But I'm afraid that's the
only recommendation

I can make to the bank
about extending your loan.

You just put a
chill in my thrill.

BILLIE JO: What's that?

Reservations for a family

of six for two weeks
beginning the 19th?

Just a moment.

Can we take care of them?

We can't take anything from
the 19th through the 30th.

The grocers convention
will be here then.

And they're out of luck next
month, we're booked solid.

Sorry, sir, but
starting in a week,

we're going to be so
jam packed around here,

well, there won't even be
standing room in the lobby.

Hmm? Oh, certainly.

I think we can
squeeze you in then.

Just a moment.

Reserve three rooms
for the Fitch family,

14th through the
28th, month after next.

Mr. Fitch, your reservations
have been confirmed

and I know you'll have a most
enjoyable stay here at the...

Oh, you know.

Yes, young lady, I know.

When I tried to
make a call earlier,

Mr. Carson explained
it wasn't connected.

Good old, dependable Uncle Joe.

I believe he said he hung it
there to give the place "class."

Oh, yes, sir, that's true.

But also, I use it to
practice speaking into.

I hope I didn't
embarrass you too much.

Oh, no, not a bit.

Why, I always enjoy

feeling like a complete
idiot this time of day.

Kate! Kate!

I got great news.

Guess who got
off the Cannonball?

Mrs. Clara Watkins,

the social leader
of Watkins County.

Uncle Joe, let's not try...

She and her son are
coming up the hill right now

breathing money from every pore.

Uncle Joe, you're
wasting your time.

If Mrs. Watkins likes it here,

Shady Rest could
become the headquarters

of the wealthiest
people in these parts.

Just think of all the money...

Uncle Joe, please settle down.

It's no use.

Mr. Bunce won't go for it.

But don't feel bad.

The girls just struck
out on a lollapalooza.

Kate, Mrs. Watkins is
coming up the hill, right now.

WATKINS: And I
might add, quite a climb.

Well, they told me this
wasn't much of a hotel,

and they were right.

Come on, Sonny.

This little Victorian retreat

appears to be just
the place for you

to do some serious
thinking about yourself.

I think a week here will
prove relaxing, restful

and I fear, painfully dull.

Welcome to Shady Rest.

We're honored to
have you as our guests.

Oh, yes, of course.

Sign right here, Mrs. Watkins.

Mrs. Watkins Smith
at the moment.

I always sign my name in
honor of my late husband.

Oh, I see. I'm sorry.

Thank you, my dear.

But when one loses as
many husbands as I have lost,

one becomes accustomed to it

and one does not
look for sympathy.

Oh.

So what one looks for instead

is another husband.

(laughs)

There you are.

Mrs. Clara Watkins Smith.

Before that, I was Mrs.
Clara Watkins Carter.

And then before that, I was
Mrs. Clara Watkins Hanover.

And once, I married
a distant cousin,

and I was Mrs. Clara
Watkins Watkins!

(chuckling)

Oh, dear.

That one only lived two
months after I married him.

What a pity.

Yes, it was.

Hardly worth the ceremony.

Yes, well, um...

I've given you a dandy
room, our very best

right in the front of the
hotel, Mrs. Watkins...

uh... um... Oh, just
"Watkins" will do.

And give Sonny here a
room not too far from me.

Oh, number ten,
that's bright and cheery.

Got two windows in it.

Sonny needs a
tranquil atmosphere,

where he can reflect
upon himself and his future.

This naughty boy has just been
expelled from his sixth college.

That's too bad.

They say he's wild
and uncontrollable.

I'm sure it's true,

but he certainly never acts
that way when he's around me.

Do you, Sonny?!

Oh, no, Mommy.

Here's your suitcases, folks.

This here's the best looking
batch of alligator luggage

we've ever carried
on the Cannonball.

If them alligators had known

they was going
to look this good,

they'd have walked
right out of the river

right into the factory
all by theyselves.

Thank you, boys.

Girls, will you show
the folks to their rooms?

Sure, Mom.

This way, please.

Well, was that her nibs
herself or was that her nibs.

Yeah, it was her nibs
all right, Uncle Joe.

More than likely at one
time Mrs. Clara Watkins Nibs.

Well, Mr. Bunce, how about it?

Well, I must admit

that having Clara
Watkins as a guest here

could have some influence on
my recommendation to the bank.

Great, now you run over
to that little old bank of yours

and take care of the details.

Hold on now, it's
not quite that simple.

What I mean is it could
make a difference to our bank

if Mrs. Watkins were
to recommend this place

to her wealthy friends.

(giggling)

What's so funny, Bobbie Jo?

Tell me, Mom, do you
believe in love at first sight?

Well, I don't know,
I guess so, why?

Well, I think Sonny
Watkins believes in it, too.

But I'm not too
sure about Billie Jo.

Well, what are
you talking about?

Wait, wait, wait,
don't run away!

Come here! Later, Mr. Watkins!

Call me Sonny. Okay, Sonny.

What do you say
we talk later, all right?

Mr. Bunce... Uncle Joe... Mom.

How are you? Nice
place you have here.

Sonny's cute, isn't he?

Cute?

Would you think so if
he was annoying you?

Please, Mom,
don't even think of it.

I can run as fast as Billie Jo.

I must say, Mrs.
Bradley, I find your food...

exceptional.

It's rich.

You might say it suits my taste.

(chuckles)

(laughing)

(chuckling)

Oh, I'm real glad you
like it, Mrs. Watkins.

Real glad.

Well, Billie Jo,
you've done it again.

Romance blooms
at the Shady Rest.

Oh, lay off, will you?

You're right, Betty
Jo, our big sister,

the blonde bombshell
of the Shady Rest,

has added another
gorgeous hunk of man

to her long list of admirers.

Oh, dry up.

Her tremendous animal magnetism

has attracted the attention
of yon Adonis, Sonny Watkins.

(sighing heavily)

Knock it off, will ya!

Do you think that someday

Sonny and Billie...

I'm going to count to three

and then I'm going
to see if I still feel like

becoming an only child.

One... two... three!

(screams)

Hi, Billie Jo.

(laughs nervously):
There you are.

What's new?

I'll tell you what's new.

I dig you.

You're wild, baby, wild.

You're so right.

That's what I am, wild.

Wild, wild, wild, wild.

Here I go again, wild...

Slow down, will ya?!

Hey, wait up, will ya?!

Good boy, the exercise
will do wonders for you.

♪ ♪

(giggling)

Oh, Mrs. Watkins, your
mattress is fresh turned

and we hung up the
rest of your things.

Come, my pets,

I have the most
glorious news for you.

Well, yes, Mrs.
Watkins, what is it?

Oh, I'm so glad I
brought Sonny here

to this earthy environment.

It's beginning to bring
him to his senses.

Now, my Sonny is the
last of the Watkins line.

The Watkins strain
has always been fragile.

And now Sonny is the last
beauty leaf on the family tree.

Oh, I know I have my
work cut out for me.

I have got to work to build
him in body, mind and spirit,

to perpetuate the
Watkins lineage

so that eventually he
can assume the leadership

of the Watkins dynasty...

after I've relinquished
it, of course.

I hope and trust that won't be
for a long time, Mrs. Watkins.

You can hope and trust

and bet your municipal
bonds it'll be a long time.

Now... now for
the thrilling news:

my Sonny has fallen in
love with your Billie Jo.

Begging your pardon,
Mrs. Watkins, but...

that doesn't startle us when
a young man falls for Billie Jo.

Yeah, she averages
about one a week.

Two in the summer,
when school's out.

But she has never had a
Watkins fall in love with her.

No, I can't say that she has.

Now, my dear, you're
coming to your senses.

Mrs. Watkins, Sonny is
a very nice boy, but, uh...

Mrs. Bradley, your daughter
Billie Jo has the bone structure

and the figure of a peasant.

Now just a minute.

Oh, it's a lovely
figure, my dear...

Strong, durable, and
incredibly healthy.

Oh, she is the perfect
creature to rebuild

the Watkins family tree.

Why, she could produce
a flock of Watkins children

with thicker bones
and thicker blood

and substantial bodies
to match substantial minds

to handle the real
substance of life...

Money.

Yeah, well...

Mrs. Watkins, we are
going to have to settle

something right here and now.

Oh, no, my dear.

Settlements come
after the wedding,

not before.

No, Mrs. Watkins, they come now.

You see, I know my
daughter Billie Jo,

and how she acts around boys.

And I know what she
thinks about Sonny.

Oh, they could...
they could be friends...

good friends, but I'm sure that
marriage is out of the question.

Mrs. Bradley, no one,

but no one, rejects a Watkins

in business or marriage

and retains a
relationship with us.

Sonny and I are checking
out of this antisocial,

anti-financial, penny-ante
environment immediately.

But, uh... but,
but, but, we-we...

Well, Uncle Joe, what next?

I'll tell you what next.

I'm going to sneak Mrs. Watkins
and Sonny out of the room.

I'm gonna check
'em out real quiet

and then I'm going
to tell Mr. Bunce

they left raving
about the place.

I don't think you'll
get away with it.

Neither do I.

Oh, wait, Mr. Bunce.

Can't you take a joke?

But wait, I was only
joking, old buddy.

Kate, you know there
ain't really nothing wrong

with marrying for money.

Especially if it's
the difference

between saving a hotel.

Uncle Joe, what are you saying?!

Well, what I'm
saying is that, uh...

love and money go hand in hand,

especially if you need it.

Even to save the hotel,

how could you think of
Billie Jo marrying that boy?

I ain't talking about
that sweet child

marrying that creepy kid.

What I'm talking about is...

sweet old me marrying
his creepy mother.

Just what is Uncle
Joe up to, Mom?

Yeah. He took the longest
bath he's ever taken.

He's wearing his best clothes

and smells like he
drenched himself

with a gallon of lilac Vegetal.

Uncle Joe isn't
really serious about

romancing Mrs.
Watkins, is he, Mom?

He better not be.

If Uncle Joe married
Mrs. Watkins,

it'd sure cut down
on his life expectancy.

(both laughing)

Oh, Joseph, you're cute.

Well, having you visit
with us makes me feel cute.

When you're all dressed up,

you're quite a figure of a man.

Thanks, Clara.

I might say the same for you.

Uh, I-I mean quite the
figure of a woman, that is.

You... you romantic rascal.

You're the type that
can turn a girl's head.

That's another great
thing about you, Clara...

Your youthful attitude.

Oh, one is as
young as one feels.

I feel as young as the day I
graduated from high school.

In fact, I even have the
same measurements.

48-48-48.

Tremendous, Clara,
that's tremendous.

Like money in the bank.

(laughing)

(ballroom music playing)

Oh, that was divine,
my dear, just divine.

Shall we try a foxtrot
this time, my dear?

Oh, that's a capital
ideal, my pet.

(lively tune playing)

Mom, Mom, have you heard?

Did Uncle Joe tell you?

What is it? What
about Uncle Joe?

Mr. Bunce said that
Uncle Joe proposed

to Mrs. Watkins last
night, and she accepted.

What?! What?! Oh, no!

That man...

that noble, foolish,
overaged flirt.

He's got it in his head
that the only way to save us

and the hotel is to marry that
husband-hunting man-eater.

Mom, we can't let him do that.

I know.

Mrs. Watkins would do nothing

but have Uncle Joe out working
hard to make more money for her.

Poor Uncle Joe.

He's not used to work.

It'd kill him.

It would probably be
the shortest marriage

in Mrs. Watkin's career.

I'm going to put a
stop to it, and right now.

Uncle Joe, you are not
going to marry that woman.

What do you think
of this tie, Kate?

Okay for a wedding?

Uncle Joe, would you
please listen to me?

Oh, that's too somber.

More for a funeral.

Well, if you're going
through with this wedding,

that's the one to wear.

Kate, who knows what the
future holds in store for us.

Tis a far, far better
thing I do now

than I've ever done before.

Will you stop reciting lines
from old Ronald Colman movies

and come to your senses.

I think I'll wear this one.

Not that one, you won't.

Or any other if I can help it.

So you see, Mrs. Watkins,

with Uncle Joe
so set in his ways,

and grumpy and cranky
and so downright unwilling

to do a lick of work,

it'd be a shame to
marry a man like that.

I appreciate your
candor, my dear,

but I'm looking forward to
this marriage with Joseph.

He's a challenge to me.

Perhaps my greatest.

Up to now, I've only
had one real challenge,

and that was during
my first marriage.

Uncle Joe reminds you
of your first husband?

No. My first husband
was no challenge at all.

Joseph reminds me of a bulldog

who was given to me
as a wedding present.

Uncle Joe reminds you of a dog?

Yes. He was cute and
determined and strong-willed,

just like Joseph.

You know, it took me the
better part of four weeks

to break his spirit.

Oh, my.

After that, I could
handle him easily...

Just like I will Joseph.

Now don't worry, my dear.

I'm going to make
something of him

if I have to run that adorable
man right into the ground.

I see.

Well, that's real comforting
news, Mrs. Watkins.

Real comforting.

I sure hope it works, Mom.

Well, it's got to work.

And I'm counting on three
things to make it work...

Floyd, Charley and
Mrs. Watkins' greed.

Do you think Floyd and
Charley can do it, Mom?

Well, if they can't,

I've wasted a basket
of deep-fried chicken,

two mince pies and
Uncle Joe's a goner.

CHARLEY: Floyd, I told
you to stay away from here.

I've got just as much right
being here as you have.

There they are. Come on.

Now come on,
Floyd, get out of here.

FLOYD: I will not.

You ain't beat my time.

(loudly): What is it,
boys? What's going on?

I've come a-courti"
Clara Watkins.

And when I come a-courtin'
I wears my courtin' clothes.

Special design
for romantic walks.

Charley ain't gettin'
the best of me.

I wore my army uniform.

Sure thrilled them
French mademoiselles

back there in 1918.

And for extra insurance,

I brought along
my courtin' hair.

Oh, well, you look... elegant,

real elegant, both of you.

But, uh, I got
unpleasant news for you.

Mrs. Watkins is
engaged to Uncle Joe.

Of all the dang-dratted
infernal luck.

The most enticing woman
I ever laid my eyes on

snatched right out
from under my nose.

And right out from
under my courtin' hair.

Yes, I-I-I know how
disappointed you must be.

If you think we're disappointed,

wait till you see the
hangdog look on the faces

of them salesmen that
spotted her on the train.

FLOYD: They was a-figurin'
she was available for dating.

As soon as they got
through with their sellin'.

Well, I reckon the
most we can hope for

is to dance with
her at the wedding.

Good-bye, Kate, and
good-bye romance.

Well... WATKINS: Just a moment.

Excuse me, everybody.

I couldn't help overhearing
at teeny-weeny bit

of your conversation.

And I just didn't want
you boys to leave

with an erroneous impression.

Mrs. Watkins, are you
saying that you're not

engaged to Uncle Joe?

Well...

Is that what you're
saying, pretty lady?

Are you saying
there's a chance for us?

Please say there is.

You're darn-tootin'.

And those salesmen, too.

Oh, what I mean is,

I've been thinking it over,

and I think I'm too young
to tie myself down right now.

I think I should stay
loose, so to speak

and have my fling.

Why, Clara, what are you saying?

You can't back out now.

You'll break my heart...
This hotel, everything.

Oh, Joseph, I'm sorry.

I've reconsidered,
and the answer is no.

I was caught up in a mad whirl

of heady country air, and I
made a wild, impulsive decision.

Forgive me.

Listen, Clara,

even though we
ain't gettin' hitched,

could you see your way
clear to make me a little loan?

Why, Joseph? What's the problem?

Well, it's quite
simple, Mrs. Watkins.

Without your patronage,

my bank will be forced
to close down this hotel.

Oh?

What bank do you represent?

The Pixley National
Bank and Trust.

Do you know it?

Know it? I own it.

You, uh... own it?

Young man, in these parts,

any business with the
word "bank" in it, I own.

Yes, yes. Yes,
ma'am, Mrs. Watkins.

I, uh... I should have known.

If you ever dreamt
of extending a loan,

you will extend
it to this hotel.

I wouldn't let this little
playground close down

for a million dollars.

Yes, ma'am. Of
course, Mrs. Watkins.

Mrs. Watkins, what can I say?

How can I thank you?

Just say you're going to have
a little dancing here tonight.

And invite those
salesmen I heard about.

That will be adequate.

See you tonight, Clara.

It'll be every man for himself.

Now you're talking.

I'll see you tonight.

It's time for my
little beauty nap.

♪ How wonderful it can be... ♪

Well, girls, we just saw Mom
solve one mighty big problem

with one dandy little idea.

She's really something.

But tell me, Billie Jo,
what are you going to do

about your big, hot,
sizzling romance with Sonny?

You're going to need an
awful big idea to solve that one.

Didn't I tell you? I solved it.

Sonny.

Sonny.

There she is.

Your sister explained
that you're more my type

and I agree.

Wait a minute, Sonny...
We share the same interests.

Astrology, stamp
collecting, Wiener schnitzel.

Astrology, stamp
collecting, Wiener schnitzel?

Oh, Bobbie... Billie Jo, you...

Wait a minute.
Back, fella, back.

Now, listen, we'll
talk about it later.

See you around, huh?

I really think you're
a nice guy, but later.

Oh, for crying out
loud, where you going?

To get my track shoes.

♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪

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