Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 1, Episode 26 - Kate and the Manpower Problem - full transcript

This next episode
deals with matchmaking.

Now, I know it may
come as a surprise

to some of you younger viewers,

but even before the
advent of the Internet,

people were coming
up with creative ways

to find mates...
particularly for other people.

In this episode first
aired March 17, 1964,

Kate's single status
needs remedying...

According to an old
friend of hers, anyway.

The result... "Kate and
the Manpower Problem."

(train whistle blows twice)



♪ Come ride the little train ♪

♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪

(bell clanging)

♪ Forget about your cares ♪

♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪

(whistle blows twice)

♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪

♪ And even more when you get ♪

♪ To the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

(snare drum plays train rhythm)

♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪



♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪

♪ At the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪

(train whistle blows twice)

(train whistle blows)

(jazzy music plays
over phonograph)

Are we bothering you, Mom?

Oh, not a bit.

I love working on the books

with the record
player going full blast,

and four teenage kangaroos,

dancing the Hooterville Hop.

Well, we're just practicing
for the dance next week.

Well, come on, Mrs. Bradley,

do the hop with us.

Oh, not now, kids.

I think I got it worked out.

Take 22 and 11... 34.

Yep, there it is.

(music stops) Mom...

22 and 11 are 33, not 34.

Yeah, but 34 makes
the books balance.

Ha! You got to know when
to leave well enough alone.

(music resumes)

Mom...

a honeymoon couple
just got off the train.

They're on their way up.

A honeymoon couple?

Uh... (music stops)

How do you... know?

Well, he called her "Dreamboat,"

and she called him "Poopsie,"

and then they kissed
and said, "Yum-yum."

You're right, they're
honeymooners.

Boy, customers!

Well, what about their luggage?

Uncle Joe's getting it.

You, you check
out the bridal suite.

You get out the good silver

and alert the kitchen staff.

(snorts)

That's me!

Can we help, Mrs. Bradley?

Well, we could use some
kindli" for the fireplace.

Do boys like to chop wood?

Well... Boys! Boys!

We love to.

Greetings, folks,

and welcome to
the Shady Rest Ho...

Emily! Kate!

Emily Hoskins!

Oh, of all people!

Now it's Emily
Mapes, of all people.

Kate, this is Avery, my husband.

We are on our honeymoon.

Betty, you were right.

How do you do it?

Years of experience.

It's so nice to meet you, Avery.

You Georgia peaches...

You always did get
the pick of the crop.

Well, thank you.

Emily and I have been
friends ever since she left

the magnolia blossoms
and honeysuckle country

and moved here to go to school.

Do you know how
long ago that was?

Well, it was at le...

Well, let me put it this way,

so you kids are on
your honeymoon!

Congratulations.

Well, thank you, Kate.

And I'll let you in
on a little secret.

Even at our age,
marriage is exciting.

Ah... The only problem is,

now when I carry my
bride over the threshold,

I need help.

Don't look at me; I
only carry luggage.

Oh, Joe.

Well, darling,
I'll go on upstairs

and start to unpack.

You and Kate must
have a lot to talk about.

About 20 year" worth, darling.

Oh, Kate, you don't
know how wonderful

it is to see you again
after all these years.

It's wonderful to
see you, too, Emily.

Well, enough of the small talk.

How did you meet him?

How did he get
you to fall for him?

How'd he get you to marry him?

And how come it
took you so long?

Avery is quite a man, isn't he?

Well... strictly from a
spectator's point of view,

I'd say yes.

Now, tell me, tell
me what happened.

Oh, we met at a
church social last year.

He was a widower
and I was a widow,

and we were both lonely,

and the first thing we
knew, we were married.

And you know something, Kate?

It could happen to you, too.

Me? No.

I got children
to raise, and I...

I'm busy working 24 hours
a day running this hotel.

Besides, I... I
think I'm too old to...

think about, uh, romance.

I had children to raise,
too, and I was busy myself

running that dry goods
store Warren left me.

And if you tell
anybody, I'll deny it,

but I happen to be seven
months older than you.

Oh, I never think about age,

but you happen to
be eight months older.

Anyhow, I don't think

I'm as romantically inclined
as you Southern belles.

Kate, it has nothing
to do with geography.

It has to do with being a woman.

I know you mean well, Emily.

But I know what's
best for me, okay?

Kate, I don't know what
I'm going to do with you.

Even in school, you
were a stubborn young kid.

Oh, I've changed, plenty.

Sure you have.

Now you're a stubborn old kid.

But I'm not giving up on you.

If you remember, there
was one kid in school

that was even more
stubborn than you.

I remember... you.

Right.

And why not? You were older.

(jazzy music playing
over phonograph)

Hi, Mrs. Mapes.

Billie Jo, could I talk
to you for a minute?

Sure. Hey, come on, join us.

No, thanks. It-it... you see...

Come on, it's fun!

Oh, okay.

Say, this is fun.

It's called the Hooterville Hop.

What'd you want to
talk about, Mrs. Mapes.

Your mother, she has
a problem with men.

What's that, Mrs. Mapes?

EMILY (shouting):
I said your mother...

(music stops) she has
a problem with men!

Mrs. Bradley? Men?

Which men?

Oh... Let's go up to my room.

If we're going to talk
about Mom's private life,

let's do it where it's
not quite so public.

Gee, Mrs. Mapes,
if Mom's unhappy,

she sure doesn't act like it.

She's so full of fun,

and she's always laughing
and kidding around.

That's right.

Mom's one of the happiest
people you ever saw.

Now, yes, while she
has you girls for company,

but how's she going to
be in three or four years

when you've all
gone off someplace

and gotten married?

Three or four years?!

Who's going to wait that long?

My point exactly.

It could happen tomorrow.

Yeah.

You know, Mrs.
Mapes is right, Billie.

When we're gone,
it's just going to be

Mom and Uncle Joe.

And how many games
of checkers can she play?

Poor Mom.

Why don't you talk
to her, Mrs. Mapes?

I've tried.

I love your mom
just like you do,

but she won't listen to me.

Your mother is, um...

shall we say, strong-willed.

We just say she's stubborn.

If she's going to find
that road to happiness,

you girls are going
to have to help her.

You mean help her

in the direction
of the right man?

Exactly.

So, it's up to you.

All right, I suggest
we go straight to Mom

and make her change her
mind about finding a man.

Oh, you got to be kidding.

Us make Mom change her mind?

Sweet, lovable, mule-y Mom?

Oh, come on, now.

She'll listen to reason.

Sure she will.

So you do the talking.

Me?!

Wait a minute now.

You know how mule-y Mom is.

It's too late, you're stuck.

I second the sticking.

Keep talking, Bobbie Jo.

Your suggestion
is very interesting.

Billie Jo and Betty Jo
didn't think you'd listen,

but I knew that if the facts
were properly pointed out,

you'd want to get
interested in a man.

Because you see,

we've decided what you
should do with your life.

I see.

And I was elected to
make the suggestion.

I have another suggestion.

Go ahead, but this one
better get off the ground.

Well, since the direct approach

doesn't seem to work with Mom...

And I speak from
bitter experience...

I say, we trick her.

Hey, you're right.

We'll have her
walking arm-in-arm

with the right man

before she even knows
she shook hands with him.

And we'll find him.

How? Mom's not going to go out

and try to hook a
man on her own.

And there are no
fish in these waters.

So what we've got to
do is stock the pond.

Hey, that's a wonderful idea!

I still say, why
do we have to find

eligible traveling salesmen

when we have plenty of
bachelors in our neck of the woods?

Sure. Except we
went over the entire list,

and every single one of them

are either under 17 or over 70.

Uncle Joe, have you heard
the Cannonball whistle yet?

Not yet. What are
you girls aiming to do?

We're going to prove it
takes four to make a marriage.

Four?

Sure. An available widow
and three anxious daughters.

Wait a minute. Do
my ears deceive me?

Are you girls trying to
find a man for your mother?

Sure, Uncle Joe.

We've got to help her
build a bright, happy future.

What are you talking about?

Your mother is the
happiest woman in the world.

Now, yes.

But what's it going to be
like for her when we're gone?

That's no problem.

We'll just play more
checkers together.

Oh, Uncle Joe,

we know you'll try
to make her happy,

but she'll need more
in her life than checkers.

Okay. On weekends,
we'll play cribbage.

(train whistle blows)

The Cannonball's here! Come on!

Charge! Good-bye, Uncle Joe!

And when we get back,

we'll be loaded
with marriage bait!

Wait, girls!

Wait! What you're
doing's dangerous!

Wait!

Crazy kids, stirring up trouble.

Bring some strange
men around here,

the first thing you know,
one of 'em will take Kate

walking in the moonlight

and whisper sweet
nothin's in her ear.

A low-down skunk like
that is just after one thing...

My job.

Look, we've got to work fast.

The Cannonball's
due in five minutes

and the salesmen
are beginning to arrive.

Ah, there's some likely
looking fish in that school.

But they won't stop
at the Shady Rest.

On the weekend, all the salesmen
like to go on through to Pixley.

Sure. There's more to do there.

I know. But at the Shady Rest,

there's so much less to pay.

Now then, this weekend only,

all rates will be cut in half...

for attractive middle-aged
bachelors and widowers.

That'll get 'em.

But Mom would
never stand for that.

Well, she'll never
know about it.

We'll make up the
difference ourselves.

Now, how much have you got?

Six dollars.

But I've been saving up

for a permanent
at the beauty shop.

Well, what's more important:

a new hair style or your
mother's happiness?

(sighs)

In the future,
don't call me Curly.

Well, here's my ten dollars.

And who wanted that adorable
new green sweater, anyhow?

Oh, good. With this
plus my nine dollars,

we can stake Mom to
a nice wide selection.

Come on.

Pardon me, sir.

But how would you like to
spend a delightful weekend

at a breathtakingly
beautiful resort hotel

for a mere fraction
of the usual rates?

That sounds great.

It is, if you qualify.

Qualify? Yes, sir.

Are you married?

No. Then you qualify.

Sounds wonderful.

Oh, it is, that
is, if you qualify.

Are you married?

Well, yes, I am.

Oh, I'm sorry.
You don't qualify.

I've been a
bachelor all my life.

You qualify.

Oh, pardon me, sir.

But how would you like to spend

a fun-filled weekend
at a lively resort hotel,

and if you qualify,
you... (gasps)

Reverend Mimms.

Hi, there.

How's Mrs. Mimms and
all the little Mimmses?

Just fine, thank you. Just fine.

Billie Jo Bradley,
what's all this about

a fun-filled weekend
at a resort hotel?

Oh, nothing at all. I
was just kidding around.

Reverend, it was
very nice talking to you,

and I'm looking forward

to hearing your
sermon next week.

Yes, that might be a good idea.

Pardon me, sir.

But how would you like to
spend a fun-filled weekend...

This is it, gentlemen,
the Shady Rest Hotel.

Go right on up the hill.

That's where you'll
find your hostess

for the weekend, the charming

and attractive
widow, Kate Bradley.

Don't be bashful, talk to her.

She's very friendly.

And not only that...

Yeah, quite a place.

I hope the beds are good.

(chuckles)

Here we go.

Thank you.

How do you do?

Say, that's a
great-looking lineup

of hot prospects.

And eligible, every
hand-picked one of them.

How in the world did
you get them here?

American know-how.

Well, however
you did it, you did it

and I'm proud of you.

Now, if your mother
will just show...

Isn't this wonderful,
all these new guests?

They're all men.

And all single.

What's that? Uh... I mean

they look like wonderful guests,

every single one of them.

Oh. Well, I've got
to go fix dinner.

Oh, no, Mom, we'll do that.

You're going to be too busy

entertaining the guests.

I am? Mm-hmm.

Well, sure, Mom. We haven't had

this many men, I mean guests,

in such a long time, and
you've got to make sure

that they feel right at home.

I do? Of course you do, Kate.

But you're not going
to do it in that dress.

I'm not?

Well, no. Certainly
not, darling.

You come on upstairs with me.

I have a knockout
of a dress for you.

It's an original from Cleveland.

What's wrong with this dress?

Well, it's all right, Kate.

It just... isn't you.

Keep your fingers crossed.

Operation Manpower is underway.

(indistinct chatter)

How does she look?

All I can say is I'm
glad I met Avery first.

She's putting the
finishing touches on now.

She'll be right down.

Well, good evening,
Miss Bradley.

You know, I've got
to admit you're right.

This hotel is loaded with charm.

Well, if you think the
hotel is loaded with charm,

wait till you see
the lady who runs it.

Good evening, Kate
Bradley, I'm everybody.

I mean, good evening
everybody, I-I...

Well, you all know who you are.

Kate, you look lovely.

Lovely isn't the
word for it. Oh...

Right, the word is "wow!"

Oh, dear... Good
evening, Mrs. Bradley.

I'm Wilbur Spriggs.
I'm in farm equipment.

I'm Grover Woodstock.

I'm in hay and grain.

Well, I'm in luck to have such

charming gentlemen
as my weekend guests.

My name's Tom Hartley,

and it's a great
pleasure to be the guest

of such a charming
lady. Thank you.

Just look at Mom, Uncle Joe.

Isn't it wonderful?

Wonderful? Ridiculous.

Flock of middle-aged
roosters crowing over

the only chick in the barnyard.

Oh, Uncle Joe, let
her enjoy herself.

After all this time,
her sociable instincts

are beginning to show.

Well, small wonder
in that dress.

Dinner is served.

Come on and get it, everybody.

May I escort you in to
dinner, Mrs. Bradley?

Well, I... Now just a minute,

I thought I was to
have the pleasure?

Please, let's not
overlook the delegate

from the hay and grain business.

Well, gentlemen,
um, I have an idea.

Why don't we all go in together?

(all agreeing)

Come on, Uncle
Joe, let's go eat.

Oh, you go ahead, Billie Jo,

I ain't hungry.

I'll get my appetite
back in the morning

when I get rid of them
fortune-hunting vultures.

(crowing)

(knocking)

Come in.

I'm the house detective,
Bulldog Carson.

I'm up here to put a
stop to the carryings on

you've been carrying on.

Huh, what's that?

Now listen, this is
a respectable hotel.

We don't put up
with mashers like you

pestering the elderly
lady that owns this place.

I don't follow you.

The complaint is,
you've been following her.

Hey, hold on.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

You know what I'm talking about.

Mrs. Bradley, the heavily made
up woman with the gray hair.

Oh, I forgot, this week,
she's a blonde again.

Now wait a minute!

We're on to your type,
you low-down gigolo.

Take my advise: the next
train goes through here

in 20 minutes; be on it.

Look, if you don't get
out of here, I'm gonna...

Y-you and the rest
of them scoundrels

better be gone, pronto.

Remember, I'm
packing a blackjack here,

and a heater here.

You're not messing
with kids, you know.

This here is Bulldog
Carson hisself.

Come on, Bulldog,
back to the kennel.

Mr. Woodstock, I don't
know what's been going round

in my uncle's
head... If anything...

But please accept my apologies.

Oh, that's all
right, Mrs. Bradley.

I should've expected it.

This whole deal was
whacky from the start.

Am I married or single?

Reduced rates for
bachelors and widowers?

It's beyond me.

Married or single?

Reduced rates for bachelors?

Why, those little rascals!

They sure are, Kate.

All them others
and this one, too.

No, no, Uncle Joe.
Not them, the girls.

Why they cooked
up this whole thing

to push me into romance.

I could've told you that, Kate.

I got an eye like a hawk.

A minute ago,
you were a bulldog.

Mr. Woodstock, would
you mind meeting me

on the porch in an hour?

Sure, Mrs. Bradley, but...

I'll round up the
other gentlemen.

We'll have a little powwow.

Together, we'll strike a
blow for the older generation.

Come on, Uncle Joe.

Okay, Woodstock,
I'm through with you.

You can go back to sleep now.

Come on, Bulldog.

You ought to see what
goes on in our house.

I live with my sister and
her teenage daughters,

and they've been making all

my important
decisions for years.

Now, my children are married

and scattered all
over the country.

So they're forced to run my
life by long distance telephone.

Collect. (all laughing)

So then you understand
what I'm talking about?

Of course we do.

And you'll go along with
what I want to do tonight?

(all agreeing)

Boys, I've changed
my minds about you.

Any group of grown men who're

scared to death of
teenagers can't be all bad.

Say, where do you suppose

Mother's been hiding all day?

I don't know, but I sure hope

she's out with those
fellas; that'd be great.

I hope she's been out
with just one of them.

That'd be even greater.

Yeah. Hey, you
know that tall one

with the gray
hair, I think he's...

Girls! Girls, come quick!

Your mom's gone plum love loony.

Oh, Uncle Joe,
what's wrong with her?

What happened, Uncle Joe? It's
too brain-shattering to describe.

You'll have to come to the
lobby and see for yourselves.

Uncle Joe!

Oh, Uncle Joe, what
were you talking about?

Mom isn't even here.

Yes, where is she?

Whoopie!

Happy New Year,
boys. Did you miss me?

Yeah. Hi, good-looking.

(Kate laughs)

Say, what kind
of a party is this?

I want dancing,
singing, revelry.

Attagirl, Kate,
anything you say.

Thanks, doll.

(laughter)

♪ ♪

Now, which one of you
handsome, eligible gentlemen

is going to get me
some of that punch?

How about you, Grover
honey? You're cute.

Wow! (chuckling)

You're not so bad,
either, tall, gray

and, boy, would you
make a great husband.

(laughing)

(whistles)

It looks like Mom and
it sounds like Mom.

But it's got to be
somebody else.

Ah, you're okay, Katie-baby.

You, too, Wilbur.

You're Rudolph
Valentino with a crew cut.

Well... Ooh, and those eyes,

they're dreamy.

Can that be Mom?

Our Mom?

Sweet, wise, level-headed,
sensible Mom?

It is, but there's
nothing to worry about.

Nothing to worry about?

No, you see we're all
having the same nightmare.

Pinch yourself, you'll see.

Ouch! Darn it.

Come on, we better
try and talk to her.

Oh, you fascinating rascal!

Sit down here.

(clinking)

Mom, can we talk
to you for a minute?

What'd you have on
your mind, youngster?

Some other place, Mom.

Yeah, like outside
about five miles away.

Stand back, party poopers.

Let your mother enjoy herself.

Please, Mother. You were right.

This is the good life!

You know if I weren't
having so much fun,

I'd spank you for not having
told me about it before.

Come on, Tom.

Start tickling those ivories,

loud and fast. You
got it, Katie-baby.

(faster tempo) That's
my kind of music.

The Hooterville Hop.

Come on, everybody,
let's hop. (agreeing)

Come on. Mom,
please listen to us.

Whoopie! Do the Hooterville Hop

and hop all the way to Pixley.

Keep it moving. Don't drag.

That's it.

Oh, you boys are good...

Mom's not acting at
all the way we planned.

She sure is unfair.

Girls, we've created
a spruced up,

permanent wave,
glamorous Frankenstein.

♪ ♪

How am I doing, Grover?

Great, and the way
your girls look now,

they wouldn't try to tell
you how to run your life

if you got on your hands
and knees and begged them.

Hey, this is fun!

Oh, now you got it! Swing it!

(laughter) Come
on, it's my turn.

Ah, this is very...

Oh, good evening, Mr. Carson.

Evening, Reverend Mimms.
(music playing, laughter)

What's all that noise in there?

Well, Kate and me and
some of the guests...

Reverend Mimms.

Yes, I, uh... just
happened to be

in the neighborhood
and I thought I'd drop by

and see how you're
all getting along.

Oh, we're just
getting along fine.

Nice of you to ask.

Well, be seeing you
around. Good night.

GROVER: Katie,
you're the greatest!

KATE: Whoopie! Come on, fellas.

Let's make this place jump!

Mr. Carson, just what
is going on in there?

Would you believe
it if I told you

Kate and the guests
were rehearsing

for the Hooterville
barbershop quartet contest?

No.

I didn't think so.

Would you
believe it if I told...

Mr. Carson, your niece
is one of the best-liked

and most respected
women in this community.

Now, if there's
something wrong in there,

I want to help.

♪ ♪

Reverend Mimms... (laughs)

How nice of you to drop in.

What's new?

(cries)

I'm glad you're so
understanding, Reverend Mimms,

but I guess a man
in your work must run

into this sort of
thing fairly often.

Fairly often? Every day.

I've got four
teenagers of my own.

(laughs)

It all worked out great.

The girls know once
and for all that Kate

ain't interested in
finding a man, right Kate?

Wrong.

I'll be interested when
the right man comes along,

but I'm going to
do my own finding.

Well, tell me, Mrs. Bradley,

do you think your trick worked?

Will your girls stop
trying to run your life?

Oh, sure.

It cost me a crick in the back

and blisters on my feet,

but they're going to leave
me alone from now on.

Yeah, they're cured all right.

You can take my word for it.

Mom, if you're going to
stand out here like this,

you need a sweater.

I-I'm fine.

Mom, please, put it on.

I'm fine.

Mom, now, put that
sweater on, you're gonna...

Girls! I think I'm old enough

to know when I need a sweater.

♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪

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