Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 1, Episode 24 - Behind All Silver, There's a Cloud Lining - full transcript

Well, Uncle Joe
always had a knack

for digging up some kind
of get-rich-quick scheme,

but in this particular case,

the digging is precisely
what he's trying to avoid.

You see, he figures on getting
some free shovel work done

around the Shady
Rest by starting a rumor

about silver being plentiful
in the Hooterville Valley.

Veteran character actor
Roy Roberts is on hand

as Norman Curtis, head
of the C. & F.W. Railroad,

in this episode.

From March 3, 1964,



"Behind All Silver,
There's a Cloud Lining."

(train whistle blows twice)

♪ Come ride the little train ♪

♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪

(bell clanging)

♪ Forget about your cares ♪

♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪

(whistle blows twice)

♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪

♪ And even more when you get ♪

♪ To the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

(snare drum plays train rhythm)

♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪



♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪

♪ At the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪

(train whistle blows twice)

What do you want written
on this poster, Uncle Joe?

What does the
regular slogan say?

"See Naples and die."

Uh, "Why see Naples and die

when you can come to
the Shady Rest and live?"

Okay, Uncle Joe.

Will you help me, Uncle Joe?

Sure, honey.

What do we put at
the bottom of this one

with the Leaning Tower of Pisa?

Uh... "Why visit a place where
a silo could fall down on you?

Come to the safe
Shady Rest Hotel."

Oh, okay.

Why are you girls out here

when there's a stack
of dishes in the kitchen?

They're helping me
with my advertising, Kate,

helping me grease the
wheels of progress. Oh.

See, people spend
most of their lives

planning to do something,

and it takes advertising to
make 'em get up and do it.

Advertising gets results.

You could be right.

Can I try?

Well, sure, Kate.

Being my flesh and blood,

you ought to have a
natural bent for advertising.

I knew you'd come around
to my way of thinking.

There for a while,

you was about as narrow-minded
as an old maid fishing worm.

Thanks.

(sighing): I sure hope
this brings results.

"When are you going
to dig that drainage ditch

down by the railroad tracks?"

Mm-hmm, yeah.

I advertised.

How soon do I get results?

Well, now, Kate, I was
figuring on getting started at that

as soon as my
arthritis cleared up.

Uncle Joe, you
don't have arthritis.

Betty Jo, when a man's
not fixing to do something,

one excuse is as
good as another.

I never said I
wasn't going to do it.

Well, I guess advertising

is just not as persuading
as it used to be.

That ain't true.

Now, if you'll excuse
me, I'll get started.

Oh, you're going down to
the tracks and start digging?

No, I'm going to find
somebody I can start persuading.

Say, did Charley and
Floyd do through here

on their first run?

Ah, you're not going to
get Charley and Floyd

to do your work for you.

They went on through
while you were still asleep.

Had to meet
Mr. Bedloe in Hooterville.

Don't tell me he's back again.

Yep, and I sure hope

he's not going to stir
up more trouble for us

and try and close down
the Cannonball again.

Don't worry, Kate, I
can take care of Bedloe.

He don't scare me none

because he's vice
president of the railroad.

Them city slickers
like him's my meat.

Then that makes me a vegetarian.

Morning, Mr. Bedloe.

What kind of a scheme
have you got in mind

for trying to close
us down this time?

One that'll work.

I've got you this time.

The defeats and humiliations
that I have suffered here

in the past will not
have been in vain.

I'll be able to hold up my
head again at the home office.

You must figure you got a
pretty good angle, Mr. Bedloe.

I have, and it's a beaut.

It is called a spot inspection.

You're going to
inspect the spots

on the Cannonball, Mr. Bedloe?

For your information,

this spot inspection is going to
be an examination of your books.

I'll tell you, Mr. Bedloe,

what with keeping up steam
and looking for loose ties,

I don't get much chance to read.

I think I understand
what Mr. Bedloe means.

Go get the shoe box, Floyd.

Oh... that's different.

You should have said
that in the first place.

The records out at
the home office indicate

that you haven't submitted
a profit and loss statement

in over 12 years.

That does sound like a lulu.

Doesn't it, though?

But the profits usually
take care of the losses

and it all comes out even.

So why send in a report
when all it's going to mean

is just a lot of
extra work for you?

Well, I appreciate
your solicitude,

but I'll be the judge.

Here you are, Mr. Bedloe.

Oh, well, now we're
getting someplace.

I wasn't top man in
my accounting class

for nothing, you know.

Ah, let me see.

Mm-hmm.

August 27... Received
from Mr. Philips

four gallons of milk
for freight charges.

All right, what
happened to the milk?

We drank it; it was a hot day.

That milk should have been
turned over to the C. & F.W.

Maybe, but it
wouldn't have kept.

Well... what about this one?

Payment for transportation
of Harry Simmons and family...

118 eggs.

Where are they?

We needed some new
upholstery in the coach,

so Mrs. Brown did
the work for 118 eggs.

But she owed some
money to Kate Bradley,

so she turned over
the eggs to her.

Kate Bradley's
got the eggs, huh?

No, she was
overloaded with eggs,

so she gave 'em to Vernon
Sizemore the plumber.

And since he owed us
some money for freight,

he gave us the 118 eggs.

All I know is that
there are 118 eggs

belonging to the
C. & F.W. Railroad,

and I want to know
where they are.

Is that clear?

118 eggs!

117.

You want this'un?

It's sort of used.

Breakage... one egg.

I want the other 117
eggs and I want them now.

Afraid we haven't got
'em for you, Mr. Bedloe.

Well, just where are they?

Lon Hocker wound up
with two dozen of 'em

for helping us fix the boiler.

All right, now let me see.

(mumbling)

That leaves 93.

Also, you owe 16 ears
of corn and five pumpkins.

Now, these things
must be accounted for.

Where are they?

Well, 93 of the eggs
hatched into chickens.

And they ate the corn.

We used the pumpkins

to decorate the
train on Halloween.

All right, where are
my 93 chickens?

I'm afraid they flew
the coop, so to speak.

Uh-huh, then that puts
you in nothing but trouble,

so to speak.

This is precisely the sort
of thing I knew I'd uncover.

I'm reporting this
gross infraction

of company rules and
regulations immediately.

Operator, I want to put
in a long-distance call

to the home office of
the C. & F.W. Railroad.

And I recommend that the
C. & F.W. Railroad purchase

17 general purpose
diesel-electric locomotives

at a total investment
of $3 million.

This will increase
our annual net income

a minimum of, uh, oh, a
quarter of a million dollars.

(phone rings)

Mr. Curtis' office.

Mr. Bedloe calling
from Hooterville.

What?

Bedloe... you're not
supposed to be in Hooterville

bothering those people.

But, Chief, it's my day off.

I've uncovered some
fraudulent action in connection

with the Hooterville Cannonball.

Miss Hammond, you'd better
make that 20 locomotives

at a total of $3,540,000,

increasing our total net income

to approximately $300,000.

Yes, sir.

Go on, Bedloe.

What's that?

Underhanded skullduggery?

They owe us 93 what?

Chickens?

And they ate up our corn?

Pumpkins?

Bedloe, are you out of
your two-bit tabulating mind?

Forget about it.

And if you come up
with any more ideas

as to how to close
down that line,

you'll slip farther down on
the list of vice presidents.

How'd everything go, Mr. Bedloe?

Oh, shut up.

I reckon things didn't
go too well, Floyd.

Appears that way, don't it?

Mark my words,
I'll get that train yet

if I have to tear up
every foot of track

with my bare hands.

Now, get that mechanical
nightmare going.

I'm going to ride it until
I find a way to wreck it.

Right glad to have
you aboard, Mr. Bedloe.

Yes, sir.

Now, that'll be 35
cents cash or six eggs.

I don't blame you for being sore

about the railroad losing money,

but if you'd come to me,
you could be making money.

Oh, and just how
would that be possible?

By getting one of my
advertising schemes

working for you, like
this one for instance.

"Big silver strike.

Dig your way to health and
wealth at the Shady Rest Hotel."

That's an advertising scheme?

You're danged right,
and it'll pay off, too.

Kate wanted a drainage
ditch dug alongside the tracks.

I'm getting it done

by advertising for people to
come out and mine for silver.

Who will believe a
fairy tale like that?

Oh, lots of people.

There once was a big
silver strike in these parts.

There's silver running all
up and down these tracks...

Not enough to make
it real profitable,

but a person could come
out here and do a little mining,

pay for the weekend,

get in a lot of good
exercise at the same time.

HOMER: Wonderful.

I can just see
everybody in these parts

tearing up the tracks,
destroying them.

It'll be beautiful.

Mr. Carson, you're a genius.

Always nice to be reminded.

You may be remembered

as one of history's
great railroad promoters.

I... I'm putting in with you.

I like your style.

You know something, Homer?

You're all right.

(patting)

Joe, I got a confession
to make to you.

Among my intimates,

I'm often referred to
as Big-Hearted Bedloe.

Yes, sir, Joe, old boy,

you're just the man
I've been looking for.

I'm glad you like my
advertising scheme, Homer.

Like it?

I love it.

Just think of those
people digging a ditch

all the way from
Pixley to Shady Rest.

But, Homer, I-I don't see
where we need one that long.

Well, we want them digging
it all the way to the hotel,

so when they get tired,
they'll stay over, don't we?

Well, uh, sure.

Well, they certainly
aren't going to walk home.

They'll ride the train home

and the railroad'll
make some money, too.

Right.

Those posters of
yours all over Pixley,

I got an idea of how I might
make some extra money

for the railroad by
dividing up the right-of-way

and selling it off to
those happy prospectors.

Naturally, there'll be a
commission in it for you.

That's darn decent
of you, Homer.

Well, the way I see
it, you got it coming.

I appreciate it.

You know, Joe,

when a man has a chance
to build a better mousetrap,

only a rat would
stand in his way.

♪ ♪

(bell clanging, whistle blowing)

Mom, the Cannonball's
back from Pixley.

And Uncle Joe got
off with Mr. Bedloe.

They were laughing and joking.

I've never seen
Mr. Bedloe look so happy.

Mr. Bedloe looks happy?

Uh-oh. Mom, what's the matter?

I haven't had a
sinkin' feeling like this

since the last cyclone season.

BEDLOE: Good
afternoon, Mrs. Bradley.

I can't tell you how
I've looked forward

to returning to the
glow of your hospitality

and the warmth of your heart.

I expect the next few days
to be the happiest of my life.

I wish I expected as much.

Give my buddy Homer the
best room in the house, Kate.

Thank you, Mrs. Bradley.

He's a fine fella, Kate.

Just took a little knowin'.

Like the book says,

"each man's his
brother's keeper."

Acting so friendly with Bedloe

makes me wonder if
you don't need a keeper.

What were you doing in Pixley

with him? Well, Homer
and I just set up a booth

and I put up my posters.

What's Bedloe got to do

with you and a
booth and why Pixley?

Well for one thing they ain't as
used to my advertising schemes

in Pixley, like my latest one,

"Dig your way to health and
wealth at the Shady Rest."

Exactly what does that mean?

We let it be known there
was a vein of silver running

alongside the tracks all the way
from Pixley to the Shady Rest.

A vein of silver

from Pixley to the Shady Rest?

Yeah, Homer was nice enough

to sell the people
leases reasonable

so they could start
diggin' immediately.

Uncle Joe.

Do you realize what you've done?

People won't just
dig beside the track,

they'll dig up the track itself.

Bedloe won't have to
discontinue the railroad

all he'll have to do is
have it carted away.

I never thought of that.

I was just hoping to put
the Shady Rest on the map.

It'll be on the map
all right as a detour.

What are we gonna do?

Two things.

Number one, I'm going back

to callin' Homer Mr. Bedloe.

Number two, I'm gonna
start another rumor.

Another rumor? Yeah.

That the first one
was started by an idiot.

(bell clanging)

Mr. Bedloe,

you know there isn't
enough silver out there

to keep a stick of
chewin' gum warm.

You know it, Mrs. Bradley,

and I know it, but by the time

those hicks get through
tearing up those tracks,

it'll look like Lawrence of
Arabia came through here.

Your plan is the
most underhanded,

most sneaky... Certainly.

I wouldn't have anything
to do with it if it wasn't.

But you know how much
we need the Cannonball?

The C. & F.W. Railroad doesn't.

And I am a C. & F.W. man.

You're a lot of
other things, too.

Please, Mrs. Bradley.

You're not gonna
be petty and deny me

the enjoyment of my
moment of victory?

I'm not destroying that railroad
out there, your friends are.

And why? Avarice,
Mrs. Bradley...

The poison that
destroys men's souls.

Not only are they
tearing up the tracks,

they're paying me
for the privilege.

Avarice, Mrs. Bradley, avarice.

But those poor people don't...

Now if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna get the best
night's sleep I've had

since I first heard of the
Hooterville Cannonball.

At a time like this, I
wish I were a man.

I'd punch him right in the nose.

Maybe I'll punch him anyway.

Kate, you just can't
believe what's happened.

The railroad between
you and Pixley's a mess.

We made the run to Pixley
and back, but it was terrible.

As the last wheels of the
Cannonball passed over a rail,

it was tore up.

You never saw so many loose ties

just begging to be burned.

Well, did you tell the diggers

there wasn't enough silver
in the ground to bother with?

Well, I tried,

but I could hardly
make myself heard

over the noise of the shovels.

Well, did you try to
buy back the leases

they bought from Bedloe?

That idea backfired on us, Kate.

What happened?

They figured if someone wanted

to buy the leases from them,

it's just possible there

might be a rich vein
of silver down there.

Just possible

there might be a rich
vein of silver down there.

Oh, no, not you, too, Kate.

Floyd, you just
gave me a great idea!

I did? Yeah!

How soon can you
get the engine hot?

Five or ten minutes...
Oh, it's gotta be hotter

than it's ever been before. You
intending to cook something?

A railroad vice
president's goose.

Kate, could I ask you something?

Seeing as my idea's so good,

would you mind
telling me what it is?

Okay, Mom, I think we're ready.

Oh, Mom, I hate to see you part

with all your silver.

Forget it.

This way I can cut
down on my polishin'.

When I think of
all the lovely food

I stoked down with that fork,

I get a lump in my throat.

Don't you worry about it.

If we don't keep the
Cannonball runnin',

we're all going on a
starvation diet anyway.

Can we get a little
more heat, Charlie?

Any more heat'll melt
the whole locomotive.

Hmm.

Sort of makes me feel a little

like the Lone Ranger.
How's that, Mom?

Hi-ho, Silver, to the rescue.

♪ ♪

Mom, is Mr. Bedloe up yet?

Mm-hmm, I heard him
whistling in his room a while ago.

He should be right
down. And Uncle Joe?

He's still sound asleep.

I swear I don't know
how he can do it.

Mom!

The mining engineer
that you sent for

just came over the hill
from the county road.

And he's gonna set up his
equipment right out front.

Oh, thank heaven's he got here.

Yeah, he's cute.

Billie Jo, how can
you think of men

at a time like this?

It isn't easy.

In fact, you know,
we're in so much trouble,

this morning I had
to force myself.

Good morning, Mrs. Bradley!

I just peeked out my window
and saw all that activity below.

It's a beautiful sight.

Magnificent morning! Not for us.

Oh, come now, Mrs. Bradley,

you've outsmarted me many times.

Be a good loser. After all,

it isn't how you play the
game, it's how you cheat.

Mom, Mom, it's terrible!

They've gone berserk! Who? What?

What's the matter?
It's Charley and Floyd.

They've been up
all night prospecting.

Oh, no, not them,
too; this is too much.

It's like hitting the
jackpot on the first nickel.

Well they'll be
coming up pretty soon

to have their ore assayed
by the mining engineer.

Mining engineer? Where?

Out front.

Poor Floyd and Charley.

I've never seen them
look so wild-eyed

and act so ruthless and greedy.

Are you a mining engineer?

Yes, I've just come
over from the county seat.

May I see your credentials.

Certainly, sir.

Here you are. Mm-hmm.

Seems perfectly legitimate.

Everything's in order.

Just have to make sure, sir.

Around here, I sometimes
don't even trust myself.

That's the first tolerable thing

I ever heard you
say, Mr. Bedloe.

Charlie and Floyd
are coming up the hill.

I can't believe what's
happened to them.

Oh, I've got to stop them
from having their ore assayed.

And making fools of themselves.

We hit it, Kate, a big strike!

We're rich, rich! No, boys.

No, don't make
fools of yourselves.

Step aside, Kate.
You're blocking the way

of a couple of
billionaires. Here, son.

Tell us how much
we're worth. Yeah.

We want to know if
we're multi-millionaires

or just plain millionaires.

I'm so glad you couldn't
stop them, Mrs. Bradley.

I wouldn't miss the
look of disappointment

on their face for anything.

Tell me,

do you think they
might even cry a little?

The sample of silver ore

belonging to you was
found up near Pixley,

is that correct? Yes, sir.

Where did you dig? Right
in front of the Shady Rest.

What distance
would you say it was

between those two
points? About 25 miles.

25 miles.

Here it comes.

Watch their faces, Mrs. Bradley.

Frankly, I was plannin'
on watchin' yours.

If the quality of the ore

between Shady Rest
and Pixley is similar

to the samples I
have just tested,

I'd say there's at least

$25 million worth of
silver in the ground.

Roughly that's
$1 million a mile.

Wee! Come on, boys.

Be sad, take it like men.

Have a good cry.

It'll do you good, and me, too.

(laughing)

Never in my whole
life have I seen...

Uh, $25 million?

Did you say $25 million?!

That's right, sir.

There's silver there all right.

I have never tested
ore with a bigger yield.

You're kidding! No, sir.

I'd stake my reputation on it.

(mumbling)

Mrs. Bradley!

Uh, Mrs. Bradley,

can I appeal to you as a friend?

You don't even appeal
to me as a stranger.

Frankly, Mrs. Bradley,
I haven't felt well lately.

But I'm not the sort of
man that goes around

doing sneaky,
underhanded things.

Not unless you're
sure they'll work.

I deserve that, Mrs.
Bradley, and more.

"Shoot if you must
this old, gray head..."

Mr. Bedloe, you know how
much we need the Cannonball

and you nearly destroyed it,

with your sneaky, nasty,
scheming meanness.

Well, nobody's
perfect, Mrs. Bradley.

But we're in this
thing together.

We are? Yes.

You need the railroad and I
need to get those leases back.

Now, you've got to
help me or... Or what?

Or you're gonna
see a terrible thing.

A middle-aged man
crying like a baby.

Will you fix the tracks

from the Shady Rest to Pixley?

It'll be a pleasure.

The rails will be new
and neat and shiny.

Increase the pension
for Floyd and Charley.

Funny, you took the
words right out of my mouth.

The coach could
use some curtains.

What color?

And Floyd and Charlie
need new uniforms.

I noticed that.

I'll send over my own tailor.

Okay, fellas, you
can stop diggin'.

(overlapping chatter)

We've been took.

I just drove in from Pixley.

And I hiked over
the ridge to tell you

that I had my ore assayed
and it ain't worth shucks.

(men sighing)

Well, look who's comin'...

Joe Carson, the silver
king of Shady Rest.

Hi, fellas.

You look all
tuckered out. We are.

Any of you be interested
in selling your leases

for say a five dollar profit?

(overlapping chatter)

Mr. Bedloe, you keep
your end of the bargain,

and I promise I'll keep mine.

Well, thank you, Mrs. Bradley.

But people around here know you,

and they love you,
and respect you.

Lie to them.

They'll believe you.
We're rich, Kate.

We're dagnab, dagblasted rich.

Uncle Joe, what are you sayin'?

I bought up every lease
between here and Pixley.

You didn't! I only had to pay

an extra five dollars
per lease for 'em.

We can buy all them IOU's
back out of our millions.

Those are my leases!
I'll buy 'em back right now.

In a pig's eye, Bedloe.

Listen to him, Kate,
he's off his rocker.

Uncle Joe, sell him the leases.

What's the matter you
fallen off yours, too?

Sell him the leases.
They're our leases.

Sell 'em. Never.

A promise is a promise.
I never made one.

I made one for you.

Sold! They're mine!

Mine all mine!

Wasn't that the
greatest ride to Pixley

on the Cannonball,
Mom? And that new track.

It's so smooth. Mm-hmm.

Like running your hand
over the top of Floyd's head.

How can you be so calm

with Bedloe back in town again?

Oh, I wouldn't worry
about him, Uncle Joe.

Why, because Nutty
Norman's with him?

Mm-hmm.

Mr. Curtis seems

to have some strange
power over Mr. Bedloe.

You know, I don't
understand you, Bedloe.

You allocate $2,000
to relay this road bed,

and you were the one who
wanted to discontinue the line.

Yes, but, Chief,
I've explained that.

We needed to restore this track

so that the Cannonball
could haul the silver out for us.

Oh, yes, the silver.

(chuckling): Yes.

Well, get busy, start digging.

Oh, but, Chief, this is
the 23rd hole I've dug

and we've had that ore
assayed in New York,

and Chicago and Hong Kong,

and the report's
always the same.

Nothing. Dig.

But, Chief... Dig!

Chief, can I ask you something?

Well, what is it now, Bedloe?

How deep do you want me to go?

Well, is it beginning to
feel warm down there yet?

No, sir.

Then keep digging.

♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪

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