Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 1, Episode 21 - The Very Old Antique - full transcript
When Kate unexpectedly sees Homer Bedloe in Hooterville, she knows trouble is in store. Because of the continual problems he has faced trying to scrap the Cannonball, Bedloe states he has given up on that idea. Instead, he plans on selling the Cannonball - a seemingly one-of-a-kind antique locomotive - and he has a buyer on hand. He is millionaire retired train man and antique train aficionado, Phillip Waterhouse. Waterhouse, who comes with his personal secretary Cassidy, is an old, ornery and snobbish man who generally gets what he wants. Bedloe plans on giving Waterhouse a test run on the train. Instead, Kate manages to be Waterhouse's fellow passenger, leaving Bedloe behind in Hooterville. With Charley and Floyd's help, Kate hopes she can convince Waterhouse that the train is in such disrepair that it's not worth buying. But by the time they arrive at the Shady Rest, Kate learns Waterhouse's true motivation in wanting to buy the train, which was not as she expected. She hopes that with the family's help, she can get through to Waterhouse the necessity of the train to the valley, which may not be an easy task seeing that Waterhouse is not the type of man to listen to anyone's opinion except his own.
The villain of the
valley, Homer Bedloe,
returns to Hooterville with
a retired railroad tycoon
who's interested in
buying the Cannonball.
Let's take a look at
"The Very Old Antique,"
from February 11, 1964.
(train whistle blows twice)
♪ Come ride the little train ♪
♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪
(bell clanging)
♪ Forget about your cares ♪
♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪
(whistle blows twice)
♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪
♪ And even more when you get ♪
♪ To the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
(snare drum plays train rhythm)
♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
♪ At the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪
(train whistle blows twice)
Morning, boys, how are you?
Well, hello, hello. Hi.
Kate, this is going to be
the smoothest ride to
Hooterville you ever had.
You mean we aren't
taking the Cannonball?
(laughs)
What took you so long, Kate?
I was finishing up
my shopping list.
Kate, we've got a
schedule to maintain.
Well, so have I...
Supper schedule.
Which do you want to maintain?
Chicken and dumplings?
And blueberry pie.
(all chuckling)
Oh, I got to get
this thing fixed.
It keeps running
fast all the time.
(bell clanging)
(brakes screeching)
Charley, you were right.
That was a smooth ride,
like sailing on a pink cloud.
Well, thanks for
the kind words, Kate.
You figure to get
your shopping done
by the time we get this
pink cloud turned around?
Well, I should say.
I can't wait to get aboard.
Hey, look.
("I've Been Working on
The Railroad" playing)
It's that Bedloe fellow from
the main line of the railroad.
Sure is, and that can mean
only one thing... trouble.
Come on.
Morning, Mr. Bedloe.
Oh, good morning, Mrs. Bradley.
Lovely morning, isn't it?
Uh, dandy.
What brings you to
Hooterville, Mr. Bedloe?
Nothing wrong, I hope.
Wrong? What could be wrong?
Nothing could be more right.
Mr. Bedloe, I hate to say this,
but it sounds like you
thought up another way
to scrap the Cannonball.
Scrap the Cannonball?
Why, I wouldn't
think of scrapping
that lovely little train.
Oh, you really mean that?
Unequivocally, Mrs. Bradley.
Oh, I'll admit in the past
I've wanted to derail it,
junk it, melt it down
for paperweights,
get rid of it any way that
I could, but not anymore.
Those days are
completely forgotten.
Sure enough? In my effort
to shut down this branch line,
I have suffered humiliation
and embarrassment,
and my standing
as vice president
of the C. & F.W. Railroad
has been in jeopardy
time and again,
but those days
are also forgotten.
Well, Mr. Bedloe,
that's great news.
It sure is, but getting back to
what I asked you a while ago:
what brings you to Hooterville?
Oh, well, I'm meeting
Mr. Phillip Waterhouse here.
He's a retired railroad tycoon.
His hobby is old trains.
He plays with them
in his thousand-acre
backyard in California.
He plays with trains?
You mean that...
Precisely, Mrs. Bradley...
I am selling him the
Hooterville Cannonball.
Oh, no, Mr. Bedloe, you can't.
Oh, but I can, Mrs. Bradley.
Mr. Waterhouse is going
to pay a small fortune for it.
Turns out that the Hooterville
Cannonball is an 1891 Rogers,
the last one of its
kind left in the world.
And do you know who
turned up this little fact?
You know what
you are, Mr. Bedloe?
Yes, a heel, a fink, a no-
good stinker, a dirty rat.
Take your pick.
I think "dirty
rat" fits you best.
Mr. Bedloe, the people
in this community
can't get along
without the Cannonball
and you know that.
That's true, Mrs. Bradley,
but this is progress,
something you've
held up for years.
(sighs)
Why don't we talk about this
over a nice, hot
meal at my place?
Oh, no, you don't, Mrs. Bradley.
You've tricked me
for the last time.
That train is finished,
you're finished,
everybody's finished.
Who is, uh, Mr. Bedloe?
Certainly not me.
I am Bedloe.
I'm Mr. Cassidy,
Mr. Waterhouse's secretary.
Oh, how do you
do, Mr. Waterhouse?
I am Homer Bedloe.
Mr. Waterhouse
says "How do you do?"
Well, why are we wasting time?
I could be having my breakfast.
Yes, sir.
Now, let's see what's on
your diet this morning, sir.
Probably nails.
Dried fig, sir.
I don't like that woman's looks.
Tell her to get
about her business.
Tell her to get
about her business.
Tell her to get
about her business.
Hey... Now, just a minute.
In Hooterville,
we don't ricochet
our conversations
off of one another.
We take direct aim at
the person we're talking to.
Besides, anything that
happens to the Cannonball
happens to be our business.
What are they yammering about?
Don't worry about them.
Don't worry about them.
Who's worried?! Who's worried?!
I am.
I think we could save some time
if Mr. Waterhouse would sign
this purchase order right now.
Mr. Waterhouse does
not buy pigs in pokes.
He'll sign the order
when he's certain
that the engine is a
genuine 1891 Rogers...
and after he's had a trial run
to check the
condition of the train.
Fine, fine, I'm sure
that Mr. Waterhouse
will take into consideration
that the train is old
and old trains, like old people,
are bound to be a little creaky.
Oh, no offense intended.
This'd be the one day
I got the Cannonball
running smooth as silk.
Well, Charley,
you got to make a sow's
ear out of a silk train.
Mr. Waterhouse is
ready for the trial run.
Smoot, Pratt, we're
taking her out on a trial run.
Well, Charley, I guess
you'll be dropping me off
at the Shady Rest
for the last time.
I reckon so, Kate.
I'll dust off the
seat in the coach
for you and Mr. Waterhouse.
It's a good thing
Mr. Waterhouse
has Mr. Bedloe along
to point out the features
of the Cannonball.
Yeah, when it comes to trains,
it takes an experienced
man like Mr. Bedloe
to know the score.
(inaudible)
Kate, I don't want to
see the Cannonball sold
any more than you do,
but my pride's at stake.
I got her purring like a kitten.
Well, she'd better start
spitting like a wildcat
or we're going to start
eating like pigeons.
You're right, Kate.
I've got the seat all cleaned
off for you, Mr. Waterhouse,
all set to get aboard.
Uh, Mr. Bedloe, I don't see
why you feel it's necessary
to come along to
point out the features
of this train to Mr. Waterhouse.
Features, what features?
Mr. Waterhouse has been
a railroad man for 50 years.
Fifty-one.
I think Mr. Waterhouse
is capable
of determining the condition
of a train without your help.
But now, wait a minute...
Mr. Waterhouse does
not need a nursemaid.
Now, uh, you wait
here till we get back.
I know more about trains
than he'll know if he
lives to be a hundred.
Must we sit here?
It's the most comfortable
seat in the car, sir.
The only one I can guarantee
the springs won't pop out.
What's the matter,
sonny? You lost?
Kate Bradley's
responsible for this.
Where is she? On the train.
She is? I'd better get aboard.
(steam whistle blows)
Mr. Waterhouse!
She'll trick you!
Wait!
(chugging)
Halt! Wait a minute!
Stop the train!
Darn that blasted train!
What is that woman doing?
I'm tying myself
down for the train ride.
You gentlemen better
brace yourselves.
I never heard anything
so ridiculous in all my life.
You never rode on
such a ridiculous train
in all your life.
(wheels squealing)
(clunking)
Can't say I didn't warn you.
This may put a crimp
in Charley's pride,
but maybe it'll keep
food on the table.
(chugging)
Well, how long are
we going to wait?
You made a suggestion
a few miles back
that, uh, Mr. Waterhouse
thought was a good one.
Thank you, sir.
I thought it was
a good one, too.
You said you would
signal the engineer
to stop the train so,
uh, Mr. Waterhouse
could see how the brakes work.
I sure did say that.
Well, what is the matter
with that engineer?
Is he asleep?
Give him the signal again.
He got the signal
the first time.
The brakes are on now.
We skid pretty smooth, don't we?
Those brakes will
take a hold just like that,
as soon as we hit the
upgrade across the creek.
Are you keeping a
list of all these defects?
I certainly am, sir.
Do you hear what I hear?
What is it, Kate? Listen.
I think the Cannonball's
trying to tell us something.
By golly, Kate, you're right.
Trying to tell you what?
That another one of the
wheels is out of whack.
(screeching, clunking)
You see, Charley heard it, too.
And by some miracle, he's
managing to stop the train.
We're lucky she's
pulling up lame
right at the Shady Rest.
Well, I declare!
What a fortunate coincidence.
(bell clanging)
You're such nice gentlemen,
I'm sorry you had to get hooked
on another one of
Mr. Bedloe's sharp deals.
(chuckles)
Nobody sharp deals
Mr. Waterhouse.
Why, the condition of this train
has made him very happy.
"Happy"?
Mm-hmm. His greatest joy
is in repairing these
antique locomotives.
And this one is
certainly in need
of lots of repairs.
Uh... Mr. Waterhouse
will ride the cab
back to Hooterville
to inspect the engine.
Oh, wait a minute!
Uh, uh... Charley wouldn't...
try to bring her back
in the condition she's in.
It'd be too dangerous.
Wouldn't it, Floyd? Well...
And it'd take two or
three hours to even
get her where she
could limp back.
Isn't that right, Floyd? Well...
But you're welcome
to wait at Shady Rest.
It's right up the
hill from here.
It is about time
for your nap, sir?
Phew, that was a close one.
I nearly lost him.
Now then, you and Charley
sneak off on your
run to Pixley and back.
I've got to have time to
pierce that man's meanness.
You'll need an elephant
gun to get through that hide.
Hmm, I got a hunch
about that old saying.
There are no bad millionaires,
just bad stomachs.
Uncle Joe, get
up, the train's in.
Looks like Mom brought
back a couple of guests.
Come on, Uncle Joe.
Uh, just five minutes more, Mom.
I promise to get
to school on time.
Oh, stop kidding, Uncle Joe.
We have guests, honest.
Well, well!
Oh, yeah, well, there we are.
Now, we can't exactly
make you feel at home,
but we can make you comfortable.
Do you expect me
to stay in this-this...
broken-down shack?
What is that again, mister?
Well, it isn't exactly a palace,
but, as they say,
any port in a storm.
Just a minute, Kate.
We ain't so hard up you
have to humble yourself.
Uncle Joe, please.
Don't just "Uncle
Joe, please" me.
I ain't standing by
and seeing you insulted
by a couple of cheap salesmen
with just one itty-bitty
sample case between 'em.
This happens to
be an attaché case.
I don't care if you're
selling attachés
or electric guitars.
Just be sure your
broken-down partner here
keeps a civil
tongue in his head.
Tell him to shut up.
Please, gentlemen, if
you would just step inside.
Uh, like she says, sir,
any port in a storm.
Just a minute, buddy.
I ain't heard you apologize
to the young lady. Uncle Joe,
do you realize you were talking
to Mr. Phillip Waterhouse
and his secretary?
Kate, after all I've taught you
about spotting phonies.
Whoever heard of
a man secretary?
Lots of millionaires
have men secretaries.
Sure, million... millionaire?
Mr. Waterhouse is here
to buy the Cannonball.
It's an antique.
Let me handle it, Kate.
I'll get us a good
price for the train.
No, no, no, we can't sell
something we don't own.
Kate, we got a
house full of antiques.
Millionaires don't just stand
around window-shopping.
They buy. But we don't
want to sell anything.
We just want to
save the Cannonball.
Okay, okay, we'll
save that till last.
Mr. Waterich.
That'll mean canceling
a lot of reservations,
but I can let you have
the whole second floor,
Mr. Waterich.
Mr. Waterhouse would like a room
where he can take a
short nap and wash up.
Your wash is my command.
(laughs)
It's a little joke I
thought you might enjoy.
Tell him we don't.
We don't.
After you get your 40 winks,
I'll show you our
stock of antiques.
Um, I-I hope Mr. Waterhouse
has a nice nap.
Oh, I'm sure he will.
Come on, Cassidy.
Uh, sir, I thought I would, uh,
stay down here for a moment
and, uh, go over these notes.
All right, but hurry.
Yeah, hurry it up.
Mr. Waterich hasn't got all day.
Waterhouse!
Why don't you take your
notes into the dining room?
You won't be disturbed in there.
Oh, uh, uh, thank you.
I'll, uh, I'll be
fine right here.
I'm gonna go set the table, Mom.
Uh, you're right,
perhaps I'll have, uh,
more privacy in the dining room.
Uh, Billie... Yes, Mom?
You're disturbing Mr. Cassidy.
I know, but isn't it exciting?
And he acts like a college man!
Betty Jo, you get the fixin'
for the chicken and dumplings.
We gotta get goin' fast.
And now to get
Mr. Cassidy out of the way,
so I can have a nice long chat
with Mr. Waterhouse
when he wakes up.
Here you are. Now get goin'.
Hi! Hi. Hi.
Where you going?
Uh, to borrow a cup of
sugar from a neighbor.
Could I, uh, walk
along with you?
Well, I guess
it'll be all right.
Hey, where are the girls headed
with that male secretary?
To borrow a cup of sugar
from one of our neighbors.
Why, our closest neighbor's
five miles away.
He's gonna find that out.
Hey, Kate, what happened
to those price tags
we had left over from
the rummage sale?
I'm gonna make everything
look like it's for sale.
I'll mark it,
"Clearance, 40% off."
Uncle Joe, please settle
down and listen to me.
Kate, this is no
time for chitchat.
There's a rich man upstairs.
Don't you know what it means
to be this close to
millions of dollars?
Maybe billions. He's rich!
Why, with all the genuine
antiques we got around here,
he needs us worse
than we need him.
WATERHOUSE: Cassidy!
Coming, Mr. Waterich.
He wants Cassidy. Who's Cassidy?
His secretary!
I'll go fetch him.
Kate, you can't keep
millionaires waiting.
WATERHOUSE: Cassidy!
Uncle Joe, uh, please
find Mr. Cassidy.
Mr. Waterhouse wants him.
Well he just went... Shh-shh!
Please hurry, Uncle Joe.
Mr. Waterhouse,
the poor old thing,
is helpless without
his secretary.
Helpless am I?
Well, you can just tell Cassidy
that I don't want
to be disturbed!
It worked.
Now if I just have time to fix
the chicken and dumplings,
I'll be able to tame that lion.
I never saw a lion
your chicken couldn't
turn into a lamb.
Lion, chicken, lamb. Yeah.
That's pretty good, Betty Jo.
And I'm only a teenager.
Oh, but believe me, Mr. Travers,
nothing can keep this
sale from going through.
Oh, they're out
on a trial run now.
When they get back...
No, no, Mr. Travers, there's
nobody on the train with 'em,
except Kate Bradley.
Mr. Travers,
Kate Bradley's no match
for Mr. Waterhouse.
The only way she can talk
to him is through Cassidy.
Nothing can happen.
No, that's right.
Now, good-bye, Mr. Travers.
Oh, better get
out there right way.
Where's my secretary Cassidy?
Oh, he went for a
walk, Mr. Waterich.
House! Yeah, yeah,
he went out of the house
for a walk. Well, what
am I supposed to do
until he gets back?
Well, you like antiques.
Why don't you
just browse around.
See if you can find
yourself a few bargains.
You know how
old this elevator is?
1822, figure it out.
1822, hmm.
Well, that's remarkable.
Remarkable's
hardly the name for it.
The word is old, antique.
No, the word is "remarkable."
1822? Yeah.
Remarkable, ain't it? Yes.
Especially since the
elevator wasn't invented
until 1852.
Which proves my point.
Eh, don't-don't sit on that.
It'll break into a
thousand pieces.
Sure glad I wasn't sitting there
when the Indian arrow hit.
Remarkable, ain't it?
Who was that?
Oh, that's Phoebe my mynah bird.
Sometimes I keep
her in the elevator.
PHOEBE: Remarkable! Remarkable!
I need to get out
of this madhouse!
Where's your phone?!
Phone?
Oh, I get it.
You're a sharp trader.
You know a bargain
when you see one.
What are you talking about?!
Let's just lay our
cards on the table.
You want the phone,
we'll make you a price. Hello?
Operator?
Operator?
Now let's stop playing games.
Now you know a phone
that old wouldn't work.
It worked once though.
There was only five
words spoken into it.
"Quick, Watson, I need you!"
PHOEBE: Cassidy! Cassidy!
Can't you put a muzzle
on that mynah bird?
Yeah, gladly, but it'd
be muzzling the beak
of a 95 year-old mynah bird.
PHOEBE: Cassidy! Cassidy!
Oh...
Now you let me
tell you something.
See, you're probably wondering
about the chipped
edges on that tray.
Well, you know how it is
when careless
Indians shake ashes
out of their peace pipes.
He hasn't got a chance.
Now I'm going to show you
what I really think
of your antiques!
(glass breaking)
Well, of all things!
How dare you break that ashtray?
That's my personal
property! It's all right, Kate.
Mr. Waterich was
just having a little fun.
Well, he's going to
have a little more fun
cleaning it up. What?!
You get down and clean up
every one of those pieces.
Kate, you can't talk
that way to millionaires.
I can talk that way
to a spoiled child,
and that's what he is.
Now, you listen to me.
Yeah, you better listen to him.
You shut up!
You bet I will.
Now you think you've
been fooling me
with your cheap
schemes to keep me
from buying that train!
You can't fool him, Kate.
He's brilliant.
Don't you think I know
why you sent Cassidy away?
So you could cry on my
shoulder with some sad story.
He don't like sad stories.
Hey, did you ever
hear the one... Shut up!
Listen to me.
It's true, I schemed.
But I could've staked my life
that you had a spark
of decency in you.
And that maybe
somehow I could show you
how important
that train was to us,
while, to you, it's
just another toy.
But I guess I was
mistaken in my judgment.
You ought to be ashamed.
My mother went to a
lot of trouble making
chicken and dumplings for you.
Just so you'd listen
to her side of the story.
Oh, I get it.
The way to a man's heart
is through his stomach, huh?
Why that's the
corniest trick of them all.
You're right.
I should've known
you didn't have a heart
to get through your stomach to.
Well, that doesn't sound right,
but you know what I mean.
(thuds) Of all the nerve!
Oh! And I'm going
to keep this up until you
get Cassidy back here.
No, you're not!
Take it easy, Kate.
Now you get on upstairs
and go to your room!
Get in your room! Just a minute!
I'm an old man!
Until you promise
to act like a grown up.
Give it to him, Mom.
Now, I'm going to
lock you up there
till you promise to behave.
(knocking)
Who is it?
It's me, Kate Bradley.
Well, open that door
and make it snappy.
(door unlocking)
So, you finally decided
it was safer to let me out, huh?
The only thing I
decided was that
even a cranky, crotchety,
old man can get hungry.
Eat. (sniffs)
I wouldn't eat your
cooking if I was starving.
Now you eat everything
on that plate to
the last morsel.
Or so help me, I'm going
to turn you over my knee
and spank the
daylights out of you.
And don't think I can't do it.
Well, you gonna stand
there and watch me?
I don't think that'll
be necessary.
When you finish
eating, you'll find
the price of the plate
marked on the bottom.
I should've known
you'd be able to handle it.
But it could've saved me a
25-mile hike from Hooterville.
Tell him to shut
up, I'm thinking.
Shut up, he's thinking.
I heard. I heard.
Does this mean
we'll have to move?
We'll talk about
it later, honey.
You know I've a good
mind to give him back
that $50 he gave me
for that stuff he broke.
Uncle Joe, did you
take money from him?
If Mr. Waterhouse
will sign these papers,
we can all go back on his train.
(indistinct whispering)
Mr. Waterhouse examined
the train thoroughly.
The engine is an 1891 Rogers.
Yes, authentic in every detail.
But Mr. Waterhouse is
looking for an 1890 Porter.
What? But you both...
And tell that scoundrel, Bedloe,
I may have him
arrested for fraud.
Good idea, sir. But
Mr. Waterhouse, Mister...
Tell him to shut up. (sighs)
Shut up.
Well, we better get out of here
before he tries to sell
me the Brooklyn Bridge.
Bye, Mrs. Bradley.
Good-bye, Mr. Waterhouse.
Tell the others good-bye.
Good-bye.
Did you hear that, Kate?
We're still in business.
How do you like that Bedloe?
Trying to skin that
nice millionaire.
I've got to learn to
have more confidence
in my first impressions.
♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪
This has been a
Filmways Presentation.
valley, Homer Bedloe,
returns to Hooterville with
a retired railroad tycoon
who's interested in
buying the Cannonball.
Let's take a look at
"The Very Old Antique,"
from February 11, 1964.
(train whistle blows twice)
♪ Come ride the little train ♪
♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪
(bell clanging)
♪ Forget about your cares ♪
♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪
(whistle blows twice)
♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪
♪ And even more when you get ♪
♪ To the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
(snare drum plays train rhythm)
♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
♪ At the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪
(train whistle blows twice)
Morning, boys, how are you?
Well, hello, hello. Hi.
Kate, this is going to be
the smoothest ride to
Hooterville you ever had.
You mean we aren't
taking the Cannonball?
(laughs)
What took you so long, Kate?
I was finishing up
my shopping list.
Kate, we've got a
schedule to maintain.
Well, so have I...
Supper schedule.
Which do you want to maintain?
Chicken and dumplings?
And blueberry pie.
(all chuckling)
Oh, I got to get
this thing fixed.
It keeps running
fast all the time.
(bell clanging)
(brakes screeching)
Charley, you were right.
That was a smooth ride,
like sailing on a pink cloud.
Well, thanks for
the kind words, Kate.
You figure to get
your shopping done
by the time we get this
pink cloud turned around?
Well, I should say.
I can't wait to get aboard.
Hey, look.
("I've Been Working on
The Railroad" playing)
It's that Bedloe fellow from
the main line of the railroad.
Sure is, and that can mean
only one thing... trouble.
Come on.
Morning, Mr. Bedloe.
Oh, good morning, Mrs. Bradley.
Lovely morning, isn't it?
Uh, dandy.
What brings you to
Hooterville, Mr. Bedloe?
Nothing wrong, I hope.
Wrong? What could be wrong?
Nothing could be more right.
Mr. Bedloe, I hate to say this,
but it sounds like you
thought up another way
to scrap the Cannonball.
Scrap the Cannonball?
Why, I wouldn't
think of scrapping
that lovely little train.
Oh, you really mean that?
Unequivocally, Mrs. Bradley.
Oh, I'll admit in the past
I've wanted to derail it,
junk it, melt it down
for paperweights,
get rid of it any way that
I could, but not anymore.
Those days are
completely forgotten.
Sure enough? In my effort
to shut down this branch line,
I have suffered humiliation
and embarrassment,
and my standing
as vice president
of the C. & F.W. Railroad
has been in jeopardy
time and again,
but those days
are also forgotten.
Well, Mr. Bedloe,
that's great news.
It sure is, but getting back to
what I asked you a while ago:
what brings you to Hooterville?
Oh, well, I'm meeting
Mr. Phillip Waterhouse here.
He's a retired railroad tycoon.
His hobby is old trains.
He plays with them
in his thousand-acre
backyard in California.
He plays with trains?
You mean that...
Precisely, Mrs. Bradley...
I am selling him the
Hooterville Cannonball.
Oh, no, Mr. Bedloe, you can't.
Oh, but I can, Mrs. Bradley.
Mr. Waterhouse is going
to pay a small fortune for it.
Turns out that the Hooterville
Cannonball is an 1891 Rogers,
the last one of its
kind left in the world.
And do you know who
turned up this little fact?
You know what
you are, Mr. Bedloe?
Yes, a heel, a fink, a no-
good stinker, a dirty rat.
Take your pick.
I think "dirty
rat" fits you best.
Mr. Bedloe, the people
in this community
can't get along
without the Cannonball
and you know that.
That's true, Mrs. Bradley,
but this is progress,
something you've
held up for years.
(sighs)
Why don't we talk about this
over a nice, hot
meal at my place?
Oh, no, you don't, Mrs. Bradley.
You've tricked me
for the last time.
That train is finished,
you're finished,
everybody's finished.
Who is, uh, Mr. Bedloe?
Certainly not me.
I am Bedloe.
I'm Mr. Cassidy,
Mr. Waterhouse's secretary.
Oh, how do you
do, Mr. Waterhouse?
I am Homer Bedloe.
Mr. Waterhouse
says "How do you do?"
Well, why are we wasting time?
I could be having my breakfast.
Yes, sir.
Now, let's see what's on
your diet this morning, sir.
Probably nails.
Dried fig, sir.
I don't like that woman's looks.
Tell her to get
about her business.
Tell her to get
about her business.
Tell her to get
about her business.
Hey... Now, just a minute.
In Hooterville,
we don't ricochet
our conversations
off of one another.
We take direct aim at
the person we're talking to.
Besides, anything that
happens to the Cannonball
happens to be our business.
What are they yammering about?
Don't worry about them.
Don't worry about them.
Who's worried?! Who's worried?!
I am.
I think we could save some time
if Mr. Waterhouse would sign
this purchase order right now.
Mr. Waterhouse does
not buy pigs in pokes.
He'll sign the order
when he's certain
that the engine is a
genuine 1891 Rogers...
and after he's had a trial run
to check the
condition of the train.
Fine, fine, I'm sure
that Mr. Waterhouse
will take into consideration
that the train is old
and old trains, like old people,
are bound to be a little creaky.
Oh, no offense intended.
This'd be the one day
I got the Cannonball
running smooth as silk.
Well, Charley,
you got to make a sow's
ear out of a silk train.
Mr. Waterhouse is
ready for the trial run.
Smoot, Pratt, we're
taking her out on a trial run.
Well, Charley, I guess
you'll be dropping me off
at the Shady Rest
for the last time.
I reckon so, Kate.
I'll dust off the
seat in the coach
for you and Mr. Waterhouse.
It's a good thing
Mr. Waterhouse
has Mr. Bedloe along
to point out the features
of the Cannonball.
Yeah, when it comes to trains,
it takes an experienced
man like Mr. Bedloe
to know the score.
(inaudible)
Kate, I don't want to
see the Cannonball sold
any more than you do,
but my pride's at stake.
I got her purring like a kitten.
Well, she'd better start
spitting like a wildcat
or we're going to start
eating like pigeons.
You're right, Kate.
I've got the seat all cleaned
off for you, Mr. Waterhouse,
all set to get aboard.
Uh, Mr. Bedloe, I don't see
why you feel it's necessary
to come along to
point out the features
of this train to Mr. Waterhouse.
Features, what features?
Mr. Waterhouse has been
a railroad man for 50 years.
Fifty-one.
I think Mr. Waterhouse
is capable
of determining the condition
of a train without your help.
But now, wait a minute...
Mr. Waterhouse does
not need a nursemaid.
Now, uh, you wait
here till we get back.
I know more about trains
than he'll know if he
lives to be a hundred.
Must we sit here?
It's the most comfortable
seat in the car, sir.
The only one I can guarantee
the springs won't pop out.
What's the matter,
sonny? You lost?
Kate Bradley's
responsible for this.
Where is she? On the train.
She is? I'd better get aboard.
(steam whistle blows)
Mr. Waterhouse!
She'll trick you!
Wait!
(chugging)
Halt! Wait a minute!
Stop the train!
Darn that blasted train!
What is that woman doing?
I'm tying myself
down for the train ride.
You gentlemen better
brace yourselves.
I never heard anything
so ridiculous in all my life.
You never rode on
such a ridiculous train
in all your life.
(wheels squealing)
(clunking)
Can't say I didn't warn you.
This may put a crimp
in Charley's pride,
but maybe it'll keep
food on the table.
(chugging)
Well, how long are
we going to wait?
You made a suggestion
a few miles back
that, uh, Mr. Waterhouse
thought was a good one.
Thank you, sir.
I thought it was
a good one, too.
You said you would
signal the engineer
to stop the train so,
uh, Mr. Waterhouse
could see how the brakes work.
I sure did say that.
Well, what is the matter
with that engineer?
Is he asleep?
Give him the signal again.
He got the signal
the first time.
The brakes are on now.
We skid pretty smooth, don't we?
Those brakes will
take a hold just like that,
as soon as we hit the
upgrade across the creek.
Are you keeping a
list of all these defects?
I certainly am, sir.
Do you hear what I hear?
What is it, Kate? Listen.
I think the Cannonball's
trying to tell us something.
By golly, Kate, you're right.
Trying to tell you what?
That another one of the
wheels is out of whack.
(screeching, clunking)
You see, Charley heard it, too.
And by some miracle, he's
managing to stop the train.
We're lucky she's
pulling up lame
right at the Shady Rest.
Well, I declare!
What a fortunate coincidence.
(bell clanging)
You're such nice gentlemen,
I'm sorry you had to get hooked
on another one of
Mr. Bedloe's sharp deals.
(chuckles)
Nobody sharp deals
Mr. Waterhouse.
Why, the condition of this train
has made him very happy.
"Happy"?
Mm-hmm. His greatest joy
is in repairing these
antique locomotives.
And this one is
certainly in need
of lots of repairs.
Uh... Mr. Waterhouse
will ride the cab
back to Hooterville
to inspect the engine.
Oh, wait a minute!
Uh, uh... Charley wouldn't...
try to bring her back
in the condition she's in.
It'd be too dangerous.
Wouldn't it, Floyd? Well...
And it'd take two or
three hours to even
get her where she
could limp back.
Isn't that right, Floyd? Well...
But you're welcome
to wait at Shady Rest.
It's right up the
hill from here.
It is about time
for your nap, sir?
Phew, that was a close one.
I nearly lost him.
Now then, you and Charley
sneak off on your
run to Pixley and back.
I've got to have time to
pierce that man's meanness.
You'll need an elephant
gun to get through that hide.
Hmm, I got a hunch
about that old saying.
There are no bad millionaires,
just bad stomachs.
Uncle Joe, get
up, the train's in.
Looks like Mom brought
back a couple of guests.
Come on, Uncle Joe.
Uh, just five minutes more, Mom.
I promise to get
to school on time.
Oh, stop kidding, Uncle Joe.
We have guests, honest.
Well, well!
Oh, yeah, well, there we are.
Now, we can't exactly
make you feel at home,
but we can make you comfortable.
Do you expect me
to stay in this-this...
broken-down shack?
What is that again, mister?
Well, it isn't exactly a palace,
but, as they say,
any port in a storm.
Just a minute, Kate.
We ain't so hard up you
have to humble yourself.
Uncle Joe, please.
Don't just "Uncle
Joe, please" me.
I ain't standing by
and seeing you insulted
by a couple of cheap salesmen
with just one itty-bitty
sample case between 'em.
This happens to
be an attaché case.
I don't care if you're
selling attachés
or electric guitars.
Just be sure your
broken-down partner here
keeps a civil
tongue in his head.
Tell him to shut up.
Please, gentlemen, if
you would just step inside.
Uh, like she says, sir,
any port in a storm.
Just a minute, buddy.
I ain't heard you apologize
to the young lady. Uncle Joe,
do you realize you were talking
to Mr. Phillip Waterhouse
and his secretary?
Kate, after all I've taught you
about spotting phonies.
Whoever heard of
a man secretary?
Lots of millionaires
have men secretaries.
Sure, million... millionaire?
Mr. Waterhouse is here
to buy the Cannonball.
It's an antique.
Let me handle it, Kate.
I'll get us a good
price for the train.
No, no, no, we can't sell
something we don't own.
Kate, we got a
house full of antiques.
Millionaires don't just stand
around window-shopping.
They buy. But we don't
want to sell anything.
We just want to
save the Cannonball.
Okay, okay, we'll
save that till last.
Mr. Waterich.
That'll mean canceling
a lot of reservations,
but I can let you have
the whole second floor,
Mr. Waterich.
Mr. Waterhouse would like a room
where he can take a
short nap and wash up.
Your wash is my command.
(laughs)
It's a little joke I
thought you might enjoy.
Tell him we don't.
We don't.
After you get your 40 winks,
I'll show you our
stock of antiques.
Um, I-I hope Mr. Waterhouse
has a nice nap.
Oh, I'm sure he will.
Come on, Cassidy.
Uh, sir, I thought I would, uh,
stay down here for a moment
and, uh, go over these notes.
All right, but hurry.
Yeah, hurry it up.
Mr. Waterich hasn't got all day.
Waterhouse!
Why don't you take your
notes into the dining room?
You won't be disturbed in there.
Oh, uh, uh, thank you.
I'll, uh, I'll be
fine right here.
I'm gonna go set the table, Mom.
Uh, you're right,
perhaps I'll have, uh,
more privacy in the dining room.
Uh, Billie... Yes, Mom?
You're disturbing Mr. Cassidy.
I know, but isn't it exciting?
And he acts like a college man!
Betty Jo, you get the fixin'
for the chicken and dumplings.
We gotta get goin' fast.
And now to get
Mr. Cassidy out of the way,
so I can have a nice long chat
with Mr. Waterhouse
when he wakes up.
Here you are. Now get goin'.
Hi! Hi. Hi.
Where you going?
Uh, to borrow a cup of
sugar from a neighbor.
Could I, uh, walk
along with you?
Well, I guess
it'll be all right.
Hey, where are the girls headed
with that male secretary?
To borrow a cup of sugar
from one of our neighbors.
Why, our closest neighbor's
five miles away.
He's gonna find that out.
Hey, Kate, what happened
to those price tags
we had left over from
the rummage sale?
I'm gonna make everything
look like it's for sale.
I'll mark it,
"Clearance, 40% off."
Uncle Joe, please settle
down and listen to me.
Kate, this is no
time for chitchat.
There's a rich man upstairs.
Don't you know what it means
to be this close to
millions of dollars?
Maybe billions. He's rich!
Why, with all the genuine
antiques we got around here,
he needs us worse
than we need him.
WATERHOUSE: Cassidy!
Coming, Mr. Waterich.
He wants Cassidy. Who's Cassidy?
His secretary!
I'll go fetch him.
Kate, you can't keep
millionaires waiting.
WATERHOUSE: Cassidy!
Uncle Joe, uh, please
find Mr. Cassidy.
Mr. Waterhouse wants him.
Well he just went... Shh-shh!
Please hurry, Uncle Joe.
Mr. Waterhouse,
the poor old thing,
is helpless without
his secretary.
Helpless am I?
Well, you can just tell Cassidy
that I don't want
to be disturbed!
It worked.
Now if I just have time to fix
the chicken and dumplings,
I'll be able to tame that lion.
I never saw a lion
your chicken couldn't
turn into a lamb.
Lion, chicken, lamb. Yeah.
That's pretty good, Betty Jo.
And I'm only a teenager.
Oh, but believe me, Mr. Travers,
nothing can keep this
sale from going through.
Oh, they're out
on a trial run now.
When they get back...
No, no, Mr. Travers, there's
nobody on the train with 'em,
except Kate Bradley.
Mr. Travers,
Kate Bradley's no match
for Mr. Waterhouse.
The only way she can talk
to him is through Cassidy.
Nothing can happen.
No, that's right.
Now, good-bye, Mr. Travers.
Oh, better get
out there right way.
Where's my secretary Cassidy?
Oh, he went for a
walk, Mr. Waterich.
House! Yeah, yeah,
he went out of the house
for a walk. Well, what
am I supposed to do
until he gets back?
Well, you like antiques.
Why don't you
just browse around.
See if you can find
yourself a few bargains.
You know how
old this elevator is?
1822, figure it out.
1822, hmm.
Well, that's remarkable.
Remarkable's
hardly the name for it.
The word is old, antique.
No, the word is "remarkable."
1822? Yeah.
Remarkable, ain't it? Yes.
Especially since the
elevator wasn't invented
until 1852.
Which proves my point.
Eh, don't-don't sit on that.
It'll break into a
thousand pieces.
Sure glad I wasn't sitting there
when the Indian arrow hit.
Remarkable, ain't it?
Who was that?
Oh, that's Phoebe my mynah bird.
Sometimes I keep
her in the elevator.
PHOEBE: Remarkable! Remarkable!
I need to get out
of this madhouse!
Where's your phone?!
Phone?
Oh, I get it.
You're a sharp trader.
You know a bargain
when you see one.
What are you talking about?!
Let's just lay our
cards on the table.
You want the phone,
we'll make you a price. Hello?
Operator?
Operator?
Now let's stop playing games.
Now you know a phone
that old wouldn't work.
It worked once though.
There was only five
words spoken into it.
"Quick, Watson, I need you!"
PHOEBE: Cassidy! Cassidy!
Can't you put a muzzle
on that mynah bird?
Yeah, gladly, but it'd
be muzzling the beak
of a 95 year-old mynah bird.
PHOEBE: Cassidy! Cassidy!
Oh...
Now you let me
tell you something.
See, you're probably wondering
about the chipped
edges on that tray.
Well, you know how it is
when careless
Indians shake ashes
out of their peace pipes.
He hasn't got a chance.
Now I'm going to show you
what I really think
of your antiques!
(glass breaking)
Well, of all things!
How dare you break that ashtray?
That's my personal
property! It's all right, Kate.
Mr. Waterich was
just having a little fun.
Well, he's going to
have a little more fun
cleaning it up. What?!
You get down and clean up
every one of those pieces.
Kate, you can't talk
that way to millionaires.
I can talk that way
to a spoiled child,
and that's what he is.
Now, you listen to me.
Yeah, you better listen to him.
You shut up!
You bet I will.
Now you think you've
been fooling me
with your cheap
schemes to keep me
from buying that train!
You can't fool him, Kate.
He's brilliant.
Don't you think I know
why you sent Cassidy away?
So you could cry on my
shoulder with some sad story.
He don't like sad stories.
Hey, did you ever
hear the one... Shut up!
Listen to me.
It's true, I schemed.
But I could've staked my life
that you had a spark
of decency in you.
And that maybe
somehow I could show you
how important
that train was to us,
while, to you, it's
just another toy.
But I guess I was
mistaken in my judgment.
You ought to be ashamed.
My mother went to a
lot of trouble making
chicken and dumplings for you.
Just so you'd listen
to her side of the story.
Oh, I get it.
The way to a man's heart
is through his stomach, huh?
Why that's the
corniest trick of them all.
You're right.
I should've known
you didn't have a heart
to get through your stomach to.
Well, that doesn't sound right,
but you know what I mean.
(thuds) Of all the nerve!
Oh! And I'm going
to keep this up until you
get Cassidy back here.
No, you're not!
Take it easy, Kate.
Now you get on upstairs
and go to your room!
Get in your room! Just a minute!
I'm an old man!
Until you promise
to act like a grown up.
Give it to him, Mom.
Now, I'm going to
lock you up there
till you promise to behave.
(knocking)
Who is it?
It's me, Kate Bradley.
Well, open that door
and make it snappy.
(door unlocking)
So, you finally decided
it was safer to let me out, huh?
The only thing I
decided was that
even a cranky, crotchety,
old man can get hungry.
Eat. (sniffs)
I wouldn't eat your
cooking if I was starving.
Now you eat everything
on that plate to
the last morsel.
Or so help me, I'm going
to turn you over my knee
and spank the
daylights out of you.
And don't think I can't do it.
Well, you gonna stand
there and watch me?
I don't think that'll
be necessary.
When you finish
eating, you'll find
the price of the plate
marked on the bottom.
I should've known
you'd be able to handle it.
But it could've saved me a
25-mile hike from Hooterville.
Tell him to shut
up, I'm thinking.
Shut up, he's thinking.
I heard. I heard.
Does this mean
we'll have to move?
We'll talk about
it later, honey.
You know I've a good
mind to give him back
that $50 he gave me
for that stuff he broke.
Uncle Joe, did you
take money from him?
If Mr. Waterhouse
will sign these papers,
we can all go back on his train.
(indistinct whispering)
Mr. Waterhouse examined
the train thoroughly.
The engine is an 1891 Rogers.
Yes, authentic in every detail.
But Mr. Waterhouse is
looking for an 1890 Porter.
What? But you both...
And tell that scoundrel, Bedloe,
I may have him
arrested for fraud.
Good idea, sir. But
Mr. Waterhouse, Mister...
Tell him to shut up. (sighs)
Shut up.
Well, we better get out of here
before he tries to sell
me the Brooklyn Bridge.
Bye, Mrs. Bradley.
Good-bye, Mr. Waterhouse.
Tell the others good-bye.
Good-bye.
Did you hear that, Kate?
We're still in business.
How do you like that Bedloe?
Trying to skin that
nice millionaire.
I've got to learn to
have more confidence
in my first impressions.
♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪
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