Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 1, Episode 19 - Visit from a Big Star - full transcript
Uncle Joe has made a deal with Lucy Wayne, the secretary of suave movie star Lane Haggard, for them to stay for two weeks at the Shady Rest. Incognito as Mr. Jones, Haggard, according to Miss Wayne, needs to get some rest and relaxation away from prying public eyes. But upon their arrival, Miss Wayne believes Uncle Joe has duped her. First, Uncle Joe has told what seems like the entire valley about their stay. And second, Miss Wayne wanted no attractive women around to fall under Haggard's reflex movie idol charms, with Kate and the girls what she considers not quite homely as Uncle Joe described them. The problem arises that those reflex charms do surface without Haggard realizing what he is doing, and the three girls, not used to such words from a big city man, believe what he tells each of them instead of those words being niceties which he says to every attractive female. While Kate tries to protect her girls, she also tries to help the one person to who those charms really do mean something, but who can't quite get him to the altar.
(train whistle blows twice)
♪ Come ride the little train ♪
♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪
(bell clanging)
♪ Forget about your cares ♪
♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪
(whistle blows twice)
♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪
♪ And even more when you get ♪
♪ To the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
(snare drum plays train rhythm)
♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
♪ At the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪
(train whistle blows twice)
He's a big movie
star from Hollywood.
And you're sure
there are no phones
at the Shady Rest Hotel?
Oh, positive, Miss Wayne.
We've got a wall
phone in the lobby,
but it just gives the
place a little class.
It's not connected
just like I wrote
you in the letter.
I'm being buried alive.
And there are very
few other people there?
Only time the Shady Rest
ever had over three guests
at one time was when
Mrs. Prichard gave birth
to triplets in the lobby.
Are you happy to have found
a grave to put me
into? Save your throat.
Don't worry. You
picked the right place
for Mr. Haggard to rest in.
Shh! Please.
Not Mr. Haggard, Mr. Jones.
I won't let on
he's a movie star.
Secret's safe with me.
(hushed): I just wanted to
say "howdy," Mr. Haggard.
Never miss your pictures.
Now this is Floyd
Smoot and Charley Pratt.
They operate the
Hooterville Cannonball.
She's his secretary.
Secret's just as safe
with them as 'tis with me.
I'd shake hands,
but I'm a corpse.
Just like to say
"howdy," Mr. Haggard.
Have a good time. Thank you.
Don't you worry about
folks finding out who you are.
I'd like to get your autograph.
For my granddaughter.
Uh, just sign it "Mr. Jones."
She'll know.
My dear lady, I...
Save your throat.
And the secret is safe
with all these people?
Oh, I wouldn't have told
them if they couldn't be trusted.
Mr. Carson, I hope I
didn't make a mistake.
It's terribly important
for Mr. Haggard to have
two weeks of complete
rest and privacy.
Miss Wayne, everything I
wrote in that letter was gospel.
Are you sure?
No attractive females?
Shucks, no.
You think this jacket's
all right to be buried in?
Rest your throat.
What about your niece,
Mrs. Bradley, and
her three daughters?
Who? You mean Homely Kate
and her three ugly ducklings?
(bell clangs, steam
whistle blows)
(chugging)
Right this way, folks.
Oh, welcome to Shady Rest.
Kate... This is Mr. Jones,
and his secretary,
Miss Lucy Wayne.
How do, Miss Wayne?
How do, Mr., uh,
Jones? How do you do?
Let me take your
suitcase. Oh, no, please.
Oh, well, let's
go right this way.
That's your niece, Mrs. Bradley?
"Homely Kate"?
Well, I don't understand it.
She was homely
when I left this morning.
Mom!
Let me guess: those
are the ugly ducklings.
Snaggletooth, Walleye
and Prune Face, left to right.
Mr. Carson, you are a fraud.
Telling me there were
no attractive females here.
Well, you see, I
keep thinking of them
as they were when they
first came into the world,
toothless and wrinkled.
I've been too busy to take
a good look at
them since, I guess.
All right, Mr. Carson.
But let me warn you.
Lane Haggard is to the female
what the spider is to flies.
Oh, there's no danger.
Kate's too old to fall
for that romance stuff
and the girls are too young.
The Haggard charm gets them
from kindergarten
to social security.
Well, he's met his match.
Oh, they'll be polite
to him, all right,
but Kate and the girls
are way too level-headed
to be taken in by
that Hollywood charm.
We see every one
of your pictures.
Wouldn't miss them.
Oh, I'm grateful to
you and your sisters.
Oh, Kate? "Sisters"?
Did you hear that?
She's our mother.
Your mother? Oh, come on.
She's our mother. She is.
What do you call this?
Pulling a fast one on
the, uh, city slicker?
Oh, no. She really
is our mother.
Of course she is.
Aren't you our mother, Mother?
Mother!
Did you talk to me, sis?
Oh, "mother"!
Yes, I was a child bride.
Out of kindergarten
into the kitchen.
Are we going to
stand here all day,
a-spidering and a-flying?
Or is somebody going
to show Mr. Jones
and his secretary
to their rooms.
Oh, I'll get it.
(women clamoring)
I thought Kate and her daughters
were so "level-headed"?
I guarantee you
the tilt is temporary.
And allow me to
remind you, ma'am,
nobody loves a wise guy.
Come right in, folks.
Supper is about on the table.
Mr. Jones, you sit right here.
Miss Wayne, you
sit right over there.
I think you met Floyd
and Charley on the train.
This is Sam Drucker,
our general storekeeper,
notary public and town
wit. Happy to meet you both.
How do you do? Hello.
Oh, I'm starved.
Uh, Kate don't like
for us to eat the rolls
till the soup is on the table.
Hurry up. He's
sitting down waiting.
Now, listen.
Miss Wayne asked us to treat him
just like any other guest.
And that's what
we're going to do.
Oh, but gee whiz,
when he looks at you
with those deep, brown eyes...
Billie Jo, you stop mooning
around, you hear me?
And you girls stop acting like
silly, empty-headed,
little fools.
He's just an ordinary man.
And they're not brown,
they're smoky gray
with specks of green.
Come on, Mom.
You've been making over him
just as much as we
have. You sure have.
You've been fussing
over him like a mother hen.
Well, maybe I have.
But from now on,
he's to be treated
like everybody else as far
as Kate Bradley is concerned.
No better, no worse
than anybody else.
Now, let's get the
food on the table.
It's the gospel.
That's exactly the
way it happened.
Hey, here comes the food.
Boy, wait till you
taste Kate's cooking.
Soup's on. Wow.
And now our glamorous visitors
are going to have
to be satisfied
with a plain old,
homely, country supper.
Like us simple folk have
to get along on every day.
Uh, French onion soup,
beef stroganoff, uh,
asparagus hollandaise,
Waldorf salad and
cherries jubilee.
(giggling) Okay, girls.
Now, quiet and lady-like.
And control your giggling.
Now, come on now
and see the movie
star shave himself.
(giggling continues)
Shh!
Gee!
All right, you've had
your 15 cents worth.
Next.
Wowee!
Next.
Oh, my gosh!
Wait, wait a minute.
That'll be another
nickel a head, girls.
I didn't know he
had his shirt off.
And I am deeply touched
that you named
your baby after me.
Sincerely yours and so forth.
Ah, that's enough fan mail.
I want to write a
letter to Darryl Zanuck
about the, uh...
Shall I close the
curtains? Are you kidding?
I'm getting ten cents a head.
Some people have
to breathe to live.
All you need is an audience.
Okay, so I'm a ham. "Ham"?
Lane, when your
turn comes to die,
if there's an audience,
I don't think you'll go.
When you get through abusing me,
we'll get back to work.
(knocking)
Come in.
I came to see if
you needed towels.
Thank you.
And thank you for
lighting up my room
with those radiant eyes.
"Lighting up the room"?
Dear Darryl...
I'll be in New York on the 23rd.
We can talk about
that picture in Africa...
(knocking) Come in.
I've, uh, I've brought
you some towels.
Thank you.
If this rose could see you,
it would die with envy.
Oh, I wish they'd
stop bothering me.
Yeah, and the vicious way
that you discourage them,
you think they'd take the hint.
I have to be kind to women.
It's my duty.
"Duty"?
Well, naturally.
If Heaven gives you a voice,
you're... you're
obligated to sing.
Lane... Heaven gave
Leonard Bernstein a talent, too,
but he doesn't start conducting
every time he sees a musician.
I wish I had the
nerve to fire you.
(knocking)
I came to see if you
needed any towels.
Thank you.
But now I'll have
to stop shaving
till I get over the
effect of those...
disturbing eyes.
Oh...
Bobbie Jo? Bobbie?
(sighs): What is it, Mom?
Well, you were looking at
the Chicago catalog last.
What'd you do with
it? I gave it to Billie Jo.
Mom? Do you think a young girl
from a small, country
town could find happiness
as the wife of a Hollywood star?
Well, our gal Sunday did
fine with an English lord.
So I don't see why you...
On second thought,
a combination like that
could only lead to pure misery.
Mom, I'm surprised at you!
Taking such an
old-fashioned attitude.
Here's the catalog; I
figured you'd be looking for it.
What's wrong?
You-you'll never believe this.
But your sister Bobbie
Jo is entertaining
romantic ideas
about Mr. Haggard.
Well, that's the
most ridiculous thing
I've heard in my whole life!
Well, I'm sure glad to see
that you think it's foolish.
I'm the one he's stuck on.
Oh, my goodness.
He's stuck on you?
Hmm, is he ever.
Well, did he tell you
in so many words?
No.
But a woman knows these things.
Oh, a woman does, does she?
Oh, yes.
She feels it right here,
with her woman's intuition.
You wouldn't understand.
Well, of course not.
What would us fellows
know about that?
No, what I meant
was you're too...
(clears throat)
Skip it.
Oh, I see.
I'm too old to know
about romance, right?
I'm too far over
the hill, right?
I'm ready for pasture, right?
Well, don't just stand there,
argue with this nonsense!
Oh, Mom, simmer down.
Listen, all I care about is
keeping you and your sisters
from getting your feelings hurt.
Now, men like Lane Haggard
sometimes say things to women
they don't mean, flirting like.
Do you know what I mean, honey?
Uh, am I getting through to you?
It sure is, and you're right.
Good girl.
I'm gonna go down tomorrow
and tell that naughty Lane
to stop flirting with
Bobbie and Betty.
I need help.
Uncle Joe?
He's not here.
Well, that's a help.
What's wrong, Mom?
You look worried.
Oh, it's nothing, honey.
I just want to
talk to Uncle Joe.
He's bedding down the chickens.
What's the trouble?
It's nothing I'd
bother you with, baby.
You're too young
for such things.
And thank goodness for that.
Being young can
have its problems.
Like the one I'm
having right now.
What's that, baby,
something to do with school?
Yes.
I'm set on graduating, Mom.
Well, of course
you're gonna graduate.
What's the problem?
You think Mr. Haggard will
mind waiting three years?
(coughs)
Oh, there you are.
What a beautiful morning.
Now, what did you want to
talk to me about, lovely lady?
That's it right there, that
sweet-talking way of yours.
Mr. Haggard, my
daughters are very young.
I wish you'd call
me Lane, lovely lady.
No, sir.
Not on your life.
No nonsense.
This is gonna be
cold and business-like.
I'm gonna call you Mr. Haggard
and you're gonna
call me "lovely lady."
I mean Mrs. Bradley.
This sounds very serious.
It is.
My daughters never had a chance
to be around a
sophisticated man like you.
So they don't understand
that it doesn't mean anything
when you pour out
those honey words.
They've been taking you serious.
And they're gonna get hurt,
and I'm not gonna stand for it.
Mrs. Bradley, I think your
daughters are wonderful girls.
I wouldn't hurt them
for a million dollars.
I know you don't
set out to hurt them.
You see, Mrs.
Bradley, the trouble is,
making love to
good-looking girls
has become a
reflex action with me.
I do it automatically,
without thinking.
You got to stop it.
You're right.
That's what I've
been telling myself.
But as I said, I don't
even realize I'm doing it.
Do you know
what a pleasure it is
to be able to talk this way
to an intelligent woman,
who also happens to be
one of the loveliest and
most devastating creatures
I have ever met?
No, no, Mr. Haggard.
No, no.
I was doing it again, huh?
You got to
concentrate real hard.
BILLIE JO: Hi there, Lane.
Now then, let her have
it right between the eyes.
Go on.
Concentrate.
Hello, Butch.
It's you.
I was wondering who that
skinny bow-legged kid was
coming up the road.
Oh, you naughty boy.
The new words were fine.
But you're still singing
the same old music.
And the girls think he means it.
Mrs. Bradley,
Hollywood is full of girls
who thought he meant it.
Why do you think
we're hiding out like this?
You don't say.
I know of ten women
who expect to marry him
and 18 more who think
he's madly in love with them,
and all because he
simply cannot resist
exercising his charm
on a pretty face.
You know something?
What he needs to do is find
a nice girl and get married.
I know a nice girl who's
been trying to sell him
that idea for four years.
Really?
Well, do you think
she'd be good for him?
I think I'd be great for him.
Oh, you mean you.
Me is exactly whom I mean.
Well, what do you know.
Has he shown any interest?
Yeah, well, Lane is the most
wedding shy man I've ever met.
The sad part is he
admits he loves me,
and I know I could
make him happy.
He's afraid of marriage, huh?
The sound of wedding bells,
he disappears in
a puff of smoke.
Well... don't you give up.
You're a very sweet young
lady, and you'll get him yet.
But how? I can't
force myself on him.
Why not?
Listen, if they
waited for the sheep
to walk into the butcher shop,
it'd be a long time
between lamb chops.
You may be right, but I
suppose I have too much pride.
JOE: Afternoon, Miss Wayne.
Kate, can I see
you for a minute?
I have some work
to do in my room.
See you later.
Anything wrong?
Kate, what happened to
those three daughters of yours?
Well, nothing. I just gave
them a good talking to
about making fools out of
themselves over Mr. Haggard.
Well, I don't think it did
them too much good.
I just seen them
down by the well,
and they're quarreling
like three bobcats
over which one
he likes the most.
(sighs): I tell you, Uncle Joe,
I'm gonna have to ask
Mr. Haggard to move out.
The businessman in me
gets sick at the thought.
Hate to do it, but he's causing
more trouble than he's worth.
I've got sightseeing excursions
arranged for every day next
week at a quarter a head.
30 cents with his shirt off.
I know he can't help it,
but he's a real menace
to all single women as
long as he's not married.
Uncle Joe,
I just got a
lollapalooza of an idea.
There's no money in it;
you got no head for business.
But I'm gonna need your help.
You get hold of Sam Drucker
and maybe Floyd and Charley.
And you're gonna
need your shotgun.
Sounds like a wedding.
That's the general idea.
Now, here's what we're gonna do.
(knocking)
Coming.
Lane!
Mrs. Bradley, stop it!
Mrs. Bradley!
I just can't help myself.
I've been thinking about
all the things you said.
How you feel at home with
me because I'm so mature.
How pretty you think I am.
What are you talking about?
Lane, I'm talking about love.
I'm talking about us.
You and me?
Oh, I've been
fighting it all right.
First, I thought it was silly...
You and me getting married.
Married?!
After all, you're younger
than I am by weeks.
And then I realized it was
fate that brought you here.
Now, wait a minute... Yes.
Now I know why I said
no to Eldridge Wormser.
Harness salesman
from Medicine Bend.
And it was for you that I
turned down Walter Schwartz,
one of the best Mr. Bones
that Simpson's traveling
minstrels ever had.
It was fate saving me for you.
Kiss me, Lane.
Now, look, Mrs.
Bradley, this is, this is...
Oh, you're fighting it.
You never felt such an
overwhelming emotion,
and it scares you.
You've got to listen to me.
I'm listening to my heart.
It's saying, "Lane loves
me, Lane loves me."
He does not, he does not.
Go ahead, fight
it, you foolish boy.
(giggles)
Hollywood will accept me.
Uh, I'll fit in; I learn fast.
In no time at
all, I'll be jumping
in the swimming pool
with my clothes on,
and every now and
then, we can get a divorce.
Oh, we'll be so happy.
Stop this!
This has gone far enough.
Are you kidding me?
Kidding you?
Of course not.
You do want to
marry me, don't you?
Marry you? Of course I
don't want to marry you.
I can't believe my ears.
(calling out): Uncle
Joe, Charley, Floyd!
They were right.
They said you were a flame,
and I was only a foolish moth.
What happened?
I flew too close and
burned my wings.
You foolish moth.
I don't know what's
going on here.
Boys, this movie star's been
trifling with Kate's affection.
I didn't like his
last movie either.
I was miscast.
My agent talked me into it.
What movie was that?
He played a minister
on this South Sea island.
The picture was terrible.
Allow me to remind
the critics circle
that a woman's
heart has just been
kicked around like a football.
Hanging's too good for him.
We don't allow our
women to be trifled with.
He thinks he's
back in Hollywood.
I say if we don't make
an example of him,
we're gonna be
flooded with movie stars
trifling with our women.
He's right.
Now's the time
to nip it in the bud.
Let's leave it up to the little
woman who's been trifled with.
Kate, do you want
to marry this polecat?
Not unless he wants to marry me.
I got my pride.
Do you want to marry her?
Of course not.
I'll take him anyway.
Charley, Floyd, go
get Sam Drucker.
Tell him to bring
his justice of the peace
certificate and some cheap rice.
Oh, come on.
Now, you know as well as I do,
you can't make me marry anybody.
Why not?
Because it's against the law,
that's why not.
Now, Sam Drucker's the marshal.
And he never said
anything against
shotgun weddings
being against the law.
Suppose I refuse
to go through with it.
Well, sure, he could do that.
There was that underwear
drummer from Charlotte
who refused to go
through one last April.
That's right.
What was Judge
Drucker's verdict on that?
Killed while
resisting a wedding.
Now, listen, let's
talk this over.
Uh, let's don't lose our heads.
Uh, I can't marry Mrs. Bradley.
Why not?
Well, because I... because.
You married already? No.
You fixin' to marry somebody?
(knocking) KATE: Come in.
I just happened
to be passing by.
What's going on?
Lucy, save me.
I was just saying, the
only way he's gonna
get out of marrying me is
to marry somebody else.
Well, he's in quite
a spot, isn't he?
Lucy, will you marry me?
Bye. Bye.
Much happiness.
You know, of course, I plan
to have this marriage annulled.
Oh, really?
Yes.
In about 50 years.
Golly, that was a
wonderful wedding.
Yeah, I hope I gave
them their $20 worth.
You did just fine, Sam.
Well, I'm plumb tuckered.
$20 is a lot of wedding.
I think they're gonna
be real happy together.
She better treat him right.
'Cause I'll always be
ready to take him back.
So will I.
Me, too.
Silly girls.
I just hope he'll be able to get
his "lovely lady"
out of his system.
♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪
This has been a
Filmways presentation.
♪ Come ride the little train ♪
♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪
(bell clanging)
♪ Forget about your cares ♪
♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪
(whistle blows twice)
♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪
♪ And even more when you get ♪
♪ To the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
(snare drum plays train rhythm)
♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
♪ At the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪
(train whistle blows twice)
He's a big movie
star from Hollywood.
And you're sure
there are no phones
at the Shady Rest Hotel?
Oh, positive, Miss Wayne.
We've got a wall
phone in the lobby,
but it just gives the
place a little class.
It's not connected
just like I wrote
you in the letter.
I'm being buried alive.
And there are very
few other people there?
Only time the Shady Rest
ever had over three guests
at one time was when
Mrs. Prichard gave birth
to triplets in the lobby.
Are you happy to have found
a grave to put me
into? Save your throat.
Don't worry. You
picked the right place
for Mr. Haggard to rest in.
Shh! Please.
Not Mr. Haggard, Mr. Jones.
I won't let on
he's a movie star.
Secret's safe with me.
(hushed): I just wanted to
say "howdy," Mr. Haggard.
Never miss your pictures.
Now this is Floyd
Smoot and Charley Pratt.
They operate the
Hooterville Cannonball.
She's his secretary.
Secret's just as safe
with them as 'tis with me.
I'd shake hands,
but I'm a corpse.
Just like to say
"howdy," Mr. Haggard.
Have a good time. Thank you.
Don't you worry about
folks finding out who you are.
I'd like to get your autograph.
For my granddaughter.
Uh, just sign it "Mr. Jones."
She'll know.
My dear lady, I...
Save your throat.
And the secret is safe
with all these people?
Oh, I wouldn't have told
them if they couldn't be trusted.
Mr. Carson, I hope I
didn't make a mistake.
It's terribly important
for Mr. Haggard to have
two weeks of complete
rest and privacy.
Miss Wayne, everything I
wrote in that letter was gospel.
Are you sure?
No attractive females?
Shucks, no.
You think this jacket's
all right to be buried in?
Rest your throat.
What about your niece,
Mrs. Bradley, and
her three daughters?
Who? You mean Homely Kate
and her three ugly ducklings?
(bell clangs, steam
whistle blows)
(chugging)
Right this way, folks.
Oh, welcome to Shady Rest.
Kate... This is Mr. Jones,
and his secretary,
Miss Lucy Wayne.
How do, Miss Wayne?
How do, Mr., uh,
Jones? How do you do?
Let me take your
suitcase. Oh, no, please.
Oh, well, let's
go right this way.
That's your niece, Mrs. Bradley?
"Homely Kate"?
Well, I don't understand it.
She was homely
when I left this morning.
Mom!
Let me guess: those
are the ugly ducklings.
Snaggletooth, Walleye
and Prune Face, left to right.
Mr. Carson, you are a fraud.
Telling me there were
no attractive females here.
Well, you see, I
keep thinking of them
as they were when they
first came into the world,
toothless and wrinkled.
I've been too busy to take
a good look at
them since, I guess.
All right, Mr. Carson.
But let me warn you.
Lane Haggard is to the female
what the spider is to flies.
Oh, there's no danger.
Kate's too old to fall
for that romance stuff
and the girls are too young.
The Haggard charm gets them
from kindergarten
to social security.
Well, he's met his match.
Oh, they'll be polite
to him, all right,
but Kate and the girls
are way too level-headed
to be taken in by
that Hollywood charm.
We see every one
of your pictures.
Wouldn't miss them.
Oh, I'm grateful to
you and your sisters.
Oh, Kate? "Sisters"?
Did you hear that?
She's our mother.
Your mother? Oh, come on.
She's our mother. She is.
What do you call this?
Pulling a fast one on
the, uh, city slicker?
Oh, no. She really
is our mother.
Of course she is.
Aren't you our mother, Mother?
Mother!
Did you talk to me, sis?
Oh, "mother"!
Yes, I was a child bride.
Out of kindergarten
into the kitchen.
Are we going to
stand here all day,
a-spidering and a-flying?
Or is somebody going
to show Mr. Jones
and his secretary
to their rooms.
Oh, I'll get it.
(women clamoring)
I thought Kate and her daughters
were so "level-headed"?
I guarantee you
the tilt is temporary.
And allow me to
remind you, ma'am,
nobody loves a wise guy.
Come right in, folks.
Supper is about on the table.
Mr. Jones, you sit right here.
Miss Wayne, you
sit right over there.
I think you met Floyd
and Charley on the train.
This is Sam Drucker,
our general storekeeper,
notary public and town
wit. Happy to meet you both.
How do you do? Hello.
Oh, I'm starved.
Uh, Kate don't like
for us to eat the rolls
till the soup is on the table.
Hurry up. He's
sitting down waiting.
Now, listen.
Miss Wayne asked us to treat him
just like any other guest.
And that's what
we're going to do.
Oh, but gee whiz,
when he looks at you
with those deep, brown eyes...
Billie Jo, you stop mooning
around, you hear me?
And you girls stop acting like
silly, empty-headed,
little fools.
He's just an ordinary man.
And they're not brown,
they're smoky gray
with specks of green.
Come on, Mom.
You've been making over him
just as much as we
have. You sure have.
You've been fussing
over him like a mother hen.
Well, maybe I have.
But from now on,
he's to be treated
like everybody else as far
as Kate Bradley is concerned.
No better, no worse
than anybody else.
Now, let's get the
food on the table.
It's the gospel.
That's exactly the
way it happened.
Hey, here comes the food.
Boy, wait till you
taste Kate's cooking.
Soup's on. Wow.
And now our glamorous visitors
are going to have
to be satisfied
with a plain old,
homely, country supper.
Like us simple folk have
to get along on every day.
Uh, French onion soup,
beef stroganoff, uh,
asparagus hollandaise,
Waldorf salad and
cherries jubilee.
(giggling) Okay, girls.
Now, quiet and lady-like.
And control your giggling.
Now, come on now
and see the movie
star shave himself.
(giggling continues)
Shh!
Gee!
All right, you've had
your 15 cents worth.
Next.
Wowee!
Next.
Oh, my gosh!
Wait, wait a minute.
That'll be another
nickel a head, girls.
I didn't know he
had his shirt off.
And I am deeply touched
that you named
your baby after me.
Sincerely yours and so forth.
Ah, that's enough fan mail.
I want to write a
letter to Darryl Zanuck
about the, uh...
Shall I close the
curtains? Are you kidding?
I'm getting ten cents a head.
Some people have
to breathe to live.
All you need is an audience.
Okay, so I'm a ham. "Ham"?
Lane, when your
turn comes to die,
if there's an audience,
I don't think you'll go.
When you get through abusing me,
we'll get back to work.
(knocking)
Come in.
I came to see if
you needed towels.
Thank you.
And thank you for
lighting up my room
with those radiant eyes.
"Lighting up the room"?
Dear Darryl...
I'll be in New York on the 23rd.
We can talk about
that picture in Africa...
(knocking) Come in.
I've, uh, I've brought
you some towels.
Thank you.
If this rose could see you,
it would die with envy.
Oh, I wish they'd
stop bothering me.
Yeah, and the vicious way
that you discourage them,
you think they'd take the hint.
I have to be kind to women.
It's my duty.
"Duty"?
Well, naturally.
If Heaven gives you a voice,
you're... you're
obligated to sing.
Lane... Heaven gave
Leonard Bernstein a talent, too,
but he doesn't start conducting
every time he sees a musician.
I wish I had the
nerve to fire you.
(knocking)
I came to see if you
needed any towels.
Thank you.
But now I'll have
to stop shaving
till I get over the
effect of those...
disturbing eyes.
Oh...
Bobbie Jo? Bobbie?
(sighs): What is it, Mom?
Well, you were looking at
the Chicago catalog last.
What'd you do with
it? I gave it to Billie Jo.
Mom? Do you think a young girl
from a small, country
town could find happiness
as the wife of a Hollywood star?
Well, our gal Sunday did
fine with an English lord.
So I don't see why you...
On second thought,
a combination like that
could only lead to pure misery.
Mom, I'm surprised at you!
Taking such an
old-fashioned attitude.
Here's the catalog; I
figured you'd be looking for it.
What's wrong?
You-you'll never believe this.
But your sister Bobbie
Jo is entertaining
romantic ideas
about Mr. Haggard.
Well, that's the
most ridiculous thing
I've heard in my whole life!
Well, I'm sure glad to see
that you think it's foolish.
I'm the one he's stuck on.
Oh, my goodness.
He's stuck on you?
Hmm, is he ever.
Well, did he tell you
in so many words?
No.
But a woman knows these things.
Oh, a woman does, does she?
Oh, yes.
She feels it right here,
with her woman's intuition.
You wouldn't understand.
Well, of course not.
What would us fellows
know about that?
No, what I meant
was you're too...
(clears throat)
Skip it.
Oh, I see.
I'm too old to know
about romance, right?
I'm too far over
the hill, right?
I'm ready for pasture, right?
Well, don't just stand there,
argue with this nonsense!
Oh, Mom, simmer down.
Listen, all I care about is
keeping you and your sisters
from getting your feelings hurt.
Now, men like Lane Haggard
sometimes say things to women
they don't mean, flirting like.
Do you know what I mean, honey?
Uh, am I getting through to you?
It sure is, and you're right.
Good girl.
I'm gonna go down tomorrow
and tell that naughty Lane
to stop flirting with
Bobbie and Betty.
I need help.
Uncle Joe?
He's not here.
Well, that's a help.
What's wrong, Mom?
You look worried.
Oh, it's nothing, honey.
I just want to
talk to Uncle Joe.
He's bedding down the chickens.
What's the trouble?
It's nothing I'd
bother you with, baby.
You're too young
for such things.
And thank goodness for that.
Being young can
have its problems.
Like the one I'm
having right now.
What's that, baby,
something to do with school?
Yes.
I'm set on graduating, Mom.
Well, of course
you're gonna graduate.
What's the problem?
You think Mr. Haggard will
mind waiting three years?
(coughs)
Oh, there you are.
What a beautiful morning.
Now, what did you want to
talk to me about, lovely lady?
That's it right there, that
sweet-talking way of yours.
Mr. Haggard, my
daughters are very young.
I wish you'd call
me Lane, lovely lady.
No, sir.
Not on your life.
No nonsense.
This is gonna be
cold and business-like.
I'm gonna call you Mr. Haggard
and you're gonna
call me "lovely lady."
I mean Mrs. Bradley.
This sounds very serious.
It is.
My daughters never had a chance
to be around a
sophisticated man like you.
So they don't understand
that it doesn't mean anything
when you pour out
those honey words.
They've been taking you serious.
And they're gonna get hurt,
and I'm not gonna stand for it.
Mrs. Bradley, I think your
daughters are wonderful girls.
I wouldn't hurt them
for a million dollars.
I know you don't
set out to hurt them.
You see, Mrs.
Bradley, the trouble is,
making love to
good-looking girls
has become a
reflex action with me.
I do it automatically,
without thinking.
You got to stop it.
You're right.
That's what I've
been telling myself.
But as I said, I don't
even realize I'm doing it.
Do you know
what a pleasure it is
to be able to talk this way
to an intelligent woman,
who also happens to be
one of the loveliest and
most devastating creatures
I have ever met?
No, no, Mr. Haggard.
No, no.
I was doing it again, huh?
You got to
concentrate real hard.
BILLIE JO: Hi there, Lane.
Now then, let her have
it right between the eyes.
Go on.
Concentrate.
Hello, Butch.
It's you.
I was wondering who that
skinny bow-legged kid was
coming up the road.
Oh, you naughty boy.
The new words were fine.
But you're still singing
the same old music.
And the girls think he means it.
Mrs. Bradley,
Hollywood is full of girls
who thought he meant it.
Why do you think
we're hiding out like this?
You don't say.
I know of ten women
who expect to marry him
and 18 more who think
he's madly in love with them,
and all because he
simply cannot resist
exercising his charm
on a pretty face.
You know something?
What he needs to do is find
a nice girl and get married.
I know a nice girl who's
been trying to sell him
that idea for four years.
Really?
Well, do you think
she'd be good for him?
I think I'd be great for him.
Oh, you mean you.
Me is exactly whom I mean.
Well, what do you know.
Has he shown any interest?
Yeah, well, Lane is the most
wedding shy man I've ever met.
The sad part is he
admits he loves me,
and I know I could
make him happy.
He's afraid of marriage, huh?
The sound of wedding bells,
he disappears in
a puff of smoke.
Well... don't you give up.
You're a very sweet young
lady, and you'll get him yet.
But how? I can't
force myself on him.
Why not?
Listen, if they
waited for the sheep
to walk into the butcher shop,
it'd be a long time
between lamb chops.
You may be right, but I
suppose I have too much pride.
JOE: Afternoon, Miss Wayne.
Kate, can I see
you for a minute?
I have some work
to do in my room.
See you later.
Anything wrong?
Kate, what happened to
those three daughters of yours?
Well, nothing. I just gave
them a good talking to
about making fools out of
themselves over Mr. Haggard.
Well, I don't think it did
them too much good.
I just seen them
down by the well,
and they're quarreling
like three bobcats
over which one
he likes the most.
(sighs): I tell you, Uncle Joe,
I'm gonna have to ask
Mr. Haggard to move out.
The businessman in me
gets sick at the thought.
Hate to do it, but he's causing
more trouble than he's worth.
I've got sightseeing excursions
arranged for every day next
week at a quarter a head.
30 cents with his shirt off.
I know he can't help it,
but he's a real menace
to all single women as
long as he's not married.
Uncle Joe,
I just got a
lollapalooza of an idea.
There's no money in it;
you got no head for business.
But I'm gonna need your help.
You get hold of Sam Drucker
and maybe Floyd and Charley.
And you're gonna
need your shotgun.
Sounds like a wedding.
That's the general idea.
Now, here's what we're gonna do.
(knocking)
Coming.
Lane!
Mrs. Bradley, stop it!
Mrs. Bradley!
I just can't help myself.
I've been thinking about
all the things you said.
How you feel at home with
me because I'm so mature.
How pretty you think I am.
What are you talking about?
Lane, I'm talking about love.
I'm talking about us.
You and me?
Oh, I've been
fighting it all right.
First, I thought it was silly...
You and me getting married.
Married?!
After all, you're younger
than I am by weeks.
And then I realized it was
fate that brought you here.
Now, wait a minute... Yes.
Now I know why I said
no to Eldridge Wormser.
Harness salesman
from Medicine Bend.
And it was for you that I
turned down Walter Schwartz,
one of the best Mr. Bones
that Simpson's traveling
minstrels ever had.
It was fate saving me for you.
Kiss me, Lane.
Now, look, Mrs.
Bradley, this is, this is...
Oh, you're fighting it.
You never felt such an
overwhelming emotion,
and it scares you.
You've got to listen to me.
I'm listening to my heart.
It's saying, "Lane loves
me, Lane loves me."
He does not, he does not.
Go ahead, fight
it, you foolish boy.
(giggles)
Hollywood will accept me.
Uh, I'll fit in; I learn fast.
In no time at
all, I'll be jumping
in the swimming pool
with my clothes on,
and every now and
then, we can get a divorce.
Oh, we'll be so happy.
Stop this!
This has gone far enough.
Are you kidding me?
Kidding you?
Of course not.
You do want to
marry me, don't you?
Marry you? Of course I
don't want to marry you.
I can't believe my ears.
(calling out): Uncle
Joe, Charley, Floyd!
They were right.
They said you were a flame,
and I was only a foolish moth.
What happened?
I flew too close and
burned my wings.
You foolish moth.
I don't know what's
going on here.
Boys, this movie star's been
trifling with Kate's affection.
I didn't like his
last movie either.
I was miscast.
My agent talked me into it.
What movie was that?
He played a minister
on this South Sea island.
The picture was terrible.
Allow me to remind
the critics circle
that a woman's
heart has just been
kicked around like a football.
Hanging's too good for him.
We don't allow our
women to be trifled with.
He thinks he's
back in Hollywood.
I say if we don't make
an example of him,
we're gonna be
flooded with movie stars
trifling with our women.
He's right.
Now's the time
to nip it in the bud.
Let's leave it up to the little
woman who's been trifled with.
Kate, do you want
to marry this polecat?
Not unless he wants to marry me.
I got my pride.
Do you want to marry her?
Of course not.
I'll take him anyway.
Charley, Floyd, go
get Sam Drucker.
Tell him to bring
his justice of the peace
certificate and some cheap rice.
Oh, come on.
Now, you know as well as I do,
you can't make me marry anybody.
Why not?
Because it's against the law,
that's why not.
Now, Sam Drucker's the marshal.
And he never said
anything against
shotgun weddings
being against the law.
Suppose I refuse
to go through with it.
Well, sure, he could do that.
There was that underwear
drummer from Charlotte
who refused to go
through one last April.
That's right.
What was Judge
Drucker's verdict on that?
Killed while
resisting a wedding.
Now, listen, let's
talk this over.
Uh, let's don't lose our heads.
Uh, I can't marry Mrs. Bradley.
Why not?
Well, because I... because.
You married already? No.
You fixin' to marry somebody?
(knocking) KATE: Come in.
I just happened
to be passing by.
What's going on?
Lucy, save me.
I was just saying, the
only way he's gonna
get out of marrying me is
to marry somebody else.
Well, he's in quite
a spot, isn't he?
Lucy, will you marry me?
Bye. Bye.
Much happiness.
You know, of course, I plan
to have this marriage annulled.
Oh, really?
Yes.
In about 50 years.
Golly, that was a
wonderful wedding.
Yeah, I hope I gave
them their $20 worth.
You did just fine, Sam.
Well, I'm plumb tuckered.
$20 is a lot of wedding.
I think they're gonna
be real happy together.
She better treat him right.
'Cause I'll always be
ready to take him back.
So will I.
Me, too.
Silly girls.
I just hope he'll be able to get
his "lovely lady"
out of his system.
♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪
This has been a
Filmways presentation.