Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 1, Episode 12 - Honeymoon Hotel - full transcript
Uncle Joe has come up with another scheme to attract guests to the hotel: advertise it as a wedding/honeymoon destination. The special wedding/honeymoon package would include among other things Uncle Joe actually officiating the wedding ceremony. The existing Justice of the Peace just resigned and with two months until the next election, Uncle Joe plans on getting Sam, the county judge, to appoint him JP pro tempore until the election. Uncle Joe figures that by the time the election rolls around, his experience will sweep him to an election win. Kate and the girls can't argue with the idea, except that it was conceived and will be executed by Uncle Joe, whose plans always go awry. Uncle Joe manages to catch Sam to swear him in just before Sam leaves on a one week hunting vacation at Lost Lake. All Uncle Joe has to do is file the documentation at the courthouse to make it legal. After Uncle Joe performs his first wedding, for a young couple named Walter Shepherd and Elsie Gregg, Uncle Joe realizes that he forgot to file the documentation at the courthouse. Uncle Joe doesn't want to admit that he made a mistake to Walter and Elsie, and with it being Friday night and three days until the courthouse opens again, Uncle Joe and the gang try whatever they can either to maneuver Walter and Elsie up to Lost Lake or to find Sam themselves and bring him to the hotel so that he can perform another wedding ceremony before Walter and Elsie consummate what they believe is their marriage. Actually finding Sam is a whole different problem.
(train whistle blows twice)
♪ Come ride the little train ♪
♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪
(bell clanging)
♪ Forget about your cares ♪
♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪
(whistle blows twice)
♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪
♪ And even more when you get ♪
♪ To the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
(snare drum plays train rhythm)
♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
♪ At the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪
(train whistle blows twice)
♪ ♪
All right, Billie Jo, um...
Uh-oh, I lost one of my links
out of my chain gang, huh?
Billie Jo.
BILLIE JO: Be right there, Mom.
Betty Jo, you start
with Uncle Joe's room.
Right, Mom. And
look under the bed.
He knows this is
our big cleaning day,
so he's probably hiding there.
What's this?
Oh, that must be the
sheet Uncle Joe made
into the victory banner
for the side of the train.
Hmm.
I was afraid all that
paint wouldn't come out.
Well, I thought I'd
better iron it anyway.
We're low on sheets.
(chuckles)
Some victory special that was.
Yeah, we got
clobbered 84 to nothing.
(laughing)
Listen, tell you what you do.
Put this on Uncle Joe's bed,
and maybe it will discourage him
from painting silly signs
all over my good linen.
Okay, Mom. Billie Jo!
BILLIE JO: Coming, Mom.
Hey.
Don't you start that.
One Zsa Zsa in
the family's enough.
BETTY JO: Mom? Mom!
I found something
under Uncle Joe's bed.
I'll bet it was Uncle Joe.
It's another bed sheet, Mom,
and wait till you see
what's printed on this one.
"Marrying Joe Carson"?
"Honeymoon Special"?
How does that grab you?
JOE: Kate! Kate!
Here comes the mad painter.
Quick, hide those clean sheets.
Kate, girls, we struck it rich.
I got the greatest news you...
Oh, you found my banner.
Spoiled the surprise.
I'm gonna hate
myself for asking,
but what's the surprise?
Wait till you hear.
Wait till I sit down.
All of you sit down.
From now on, you're gonna
be leading a life of ease.
No more work.
Now, starting today,
this lovely little hotel
is gonna be known
as Honeymoon Haven,
home of Marrying Joe Carson,
originator of the
package wedding plan
that's gonna
make us all so rich,
you'll be lighting the
stove with ten dollar bills.
All right, girls, let's
get back to work.
Kate...
Kate, l-listen to
what I'm offering.
A free ride down here from town
on the Honeymoon Special,
originally known as the
Hooterville Cannonball.
The wedding ceremony
performed by Judge
Carson, the Marrying Judge,
the wedding supper, the
honeymoon and free rice,
all thrown in for the
unbelievable price
of ten dollars. Uncle Joe...
We'll make this the
honeymoon capital of the USA.
We'll slow Niagara Falls down
to a trickle. Uncle Joe...
Where else can folks
get a deal like ours?
I'll bet we even
get that Burton fella
if he ever marries that,
uh... wh-what's her name?
Uncle Joe, when did
you become a judge?
Well, I ain't one yet, but
I'm on my way to Hooterville
right now to take
care of that little detail.
Well, that little detail
consists of getting elected.
Oh, no, it don't, Kate.
(train whistle blowing)
The boys are holding
the train for me,
so I'll have to
give it to you fast.
The justice of the
peace, Dave Pierce,
just resigned his office.
It'll be two months
until election.
Somebody has to fill that
job for the two months.
Early this morning, I
caught the train to Pixley,
and I called Sam
Drucker long distance
and asked him as county judge
to appoint me justice
pro tem till election.
Can Sam Drucker make you a JP?
Sure, he can, Sam's
the law west of Pixley.
(train whistle blowing)
I'm coming, I'm coming!
By election time, I'll be
the popular incumbent.
I'll be swept into office
by the thousands of
grateful honeymooners
that have united
in happy wedlock.
Betty, give me the banner
for the Honeymoon Special.
I'd ask you all to
my swearing in,
but you got too much to do:
clean up the rooms, put a
wedding cake in the oven,
practice that wedding
march on the piano
and singing, "Oh, Promise
Me" and stuff like that.
And thinking of ways of spending
all that money we're gonna make.
Well, Mom, what do you think?
I'm worried.
I'm awful worried, girls.
I thought it
sounded pretty good.
Yeah, me, too. Yeah.
That's what worries
me... It sounded too good.
(bell clanging)
Will you stop swooping
that pen around
and start signing?
I want to get up to
Lost Lake before dark.
I hear they seen a
14-point buck up by the lake.
Boy, would I like to
get him in my sights.
A 14-point buck.
Will you stop swooping
that gun and start swearing?
Oh, all right.
Do you solemnly swear
to perform your duties
as temporary justice of the
peace in the proper manner?
Sam, I'm going to
perform my duties so good
that folks from all over the
country are going to come
to Hooterville and ask
for Justice Joe Carson,
the man who...
Joe, just say, "I do so
swear." I do so swear.
That makes it official,
as soon as you get
that document
countersigned and recorded
by the county clerk
at the courthouse.
Joseph Carson,
justice of the peace.
Not until you get that document
recorded at the courthouse.
I'm on my way, Sam.
So long, Joe.
Tell Kate I'll bring
her some venison.
So long, Sam.
Why isn't Charley helping you?
You sent him over to the
marriage license bureau
to drum up business.
Oh, yeah.
You better let
me do that, Floyd.
You've been riding
this wobbly train so long
on these crooked old tracks,
you wouldn't know
straight when you see it.
Don't call the Hooterville
Cannonball wobbly.
Don't call the
Hooterville Cannonball
"the Hooterville Cannonball".
From now on, she's
the Honeymoon Special.
CHARLEY: Joe... Listen, Joe.
No, no, no more Joe.
From now on, you
boys call me judge
or justice or Your Honor.
Okay.
Listen, Joe, I seen
this young couple
coming out of the
marriage license bureau,
and I told them about
your package deal.
They're all set to take it.
Good work, Charley.
Is that them?
Yeah.
Come on, kids, don't be bashful.
Shake hands with the
fella that's gonna marry you:
Joe... uh, Judge Carson.
Hello, young lovers.
How do you do, sir?
I'm Walter Shepherd,
and this is...
Elsie Gregg.
But she'll soon
be Elsie Shepherd.
Mrs. Walter Shepherd.
Yeah, but I'll
still call you Elsie.
Oh, I want you to, always.
Excuse me, kids.
I hate to bust in, but it's time
to say, "All aboard
for Shady Rest."
Honeymoon Haven.
Well, whatever it
is, all aboard for it.
See you at the hotel, kids.
I'll stand up for you, Walt.
Would you young folks like
to board the Honeymoon Special?
Oh, would you, Walt?
Would you, Elsie?
Why, I'd love to.
(sighs)
I love the way you say, "love".
♪ All aboard the
Honeymoon Special ♪
(humming)
(train whistle blowing)
BOBBIE JO: ♪ Those
first sweet violets ♪
♪ Of early spring ♪
♪ Which come in whispers ♪
♪ Thrill us both and sing ♪
♪ Of love unspeakable ♪
♪ That is to be ♪
♪ Oh, promise me ♪
♪ Oh, promise me... ♪
Floyd, stop that.
I thought it was pretty.
But this is a solemn occasion.
Oh.
(Wagner's "Bridal
Chorus" playing)
Floyd, you and
Charley over there.
You're the groom's witnesses.
And Bobbie, you
and Kate over there.
You're the bride's witnesses.
Now join hands.
Not us.
We're just witnessin'.
Are you ready?
I do.
I mean, I am.
Walter and Elsie,
we're gathered here to unite you
in the bonds of matrimony.
You know, you two have the
honor of being the first couple
I've ever married,
and I'd appreciate it
if you'd tell all
your single friends
about my unusual package deal,
'cause, you know,
you get the trip
out here from
town, the ceremony,
the wedding supper, cake, the...
Joe, this is no time
for a commercial.
Oh... oh, oh.
Then, I'll start right
from the beginning again.
And go on to the ending.
Walter and Elsie,
we're gathered here to unite you
in the bonds of matrimony.
(Mendelssohn's
"Wedding March" playing)
All right, everybody,
a toast to the bride and groom,
Mr. and Mrs. Walter Shepherd.
Congratulations. Thank you.
Oh, that sounds so wonderful.
Well, how does it feel
to be actually married?
How do you feel, Elsie?
Well, how do you feel?
I feel just like you feel.
I feel exactly the same way.
It's a wonderful
feeling, isn't it?
It sure is.
Uh, ladies and gentlemen...
(clears throat)
Ladies and gentlemen,
may the bride and
groom propose a toast?
Sure, sure. Go ahead.
My wife and I would
like to propose a toast
to the marvelous
man who married us,
Justice of the Peace
Joseph Carson.
ALL: To Joe.
Now, let's have a
little of that cake.
Uncle Joe...
I want to apologize
for doubting you.
This is such a happy,
wonderful occasion.
This is only the
beginning, Kate.
You'll have to hire
you one of them CPAs
to count all your money.
Oh, I don't care
if we lose money.
Having weddings here
is gonna be such a joy.
Oh, I love you, Uncle Joe.
Judge Carson in front of folks.
Oh.
JOE: Joseph Carson,
justice of the peace.
DRUCKER: Not till you get that
document recorded at the courthouse.
What's the matter?
You look a little
green around the gills.
Charley, what time's
the courthouse close?
About 5:00.
What time is it now?
About 9:00.
What time does it
open in the morning?
It don't; tomorrow's Saturday.
Oh, me.
You feel all right, Joe?
I mean, Judge.
Just call me Joe.
We're friends.
Let's hurry up and get the
rice before she comes in.
Oh! Give me some of that rice.
(laughing): Here you go.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, here they come,
here they come!
(laughter)
(girls shriek)
There you go. Good luck!
Good luck.
Just a minute! Come back here!
KATE: Uncle Joe,
what's the matter?
What are you doing?
I'm seeing that these kids
get what they paid for...
The whole package deal.
And that includes, uh...
includes a wedding picture!
Yeah, you got to have
your wedding picture took.
Uh, y-you want a picture of
this happy moment, don't you?
Well, yes, I'd love one.
I love the way you say "love."
See, Kate?
You was gonna shortchange them
out of their wedding picture.
Well, all right, get your
camera and take their picture.
You'll have to excuse me.
I want to get the girls
started in the kitchen.
Thank you for
everything, Mrs. Bradley.
It was a wonderful
wedding supper.
Gee, I don't know who you'd
call the captain of a train.
I think it'd be the conductor.
Why do you ask, Joe?
Well, the captain of a
ship can marry people.
I thought maybe the
captain of a train could, too.
In an emergency.
Oh, I don't think so.
Only competition you got
around here is Judge Drucker.
And he'll be up at
Lost Lake for a week.
Yeah.
Well, thanks, boys.
Thank you for the bouquet.
It was nice to be
here. Congratulations.
Bye.
Now, because
you're my first couple,
besides the package deal, I'm
gonna give you a bonus surprise.
What is it?
A moonlight canoe
ride on Lost Lake.
Tonight?
Now, wait, this ain't
an ordinary canoe ride.
This is a combination canoe
ride and Indian wedding ceremony
performed by
Deer Slayer himself,
old big Chief Drucker.
But we're already married.
Not Indian style.
You'll love it.
Did you get the
wedding pictures?
You wait right here.
Kate, the kids want
to go up to Lost Lake
for a moonlight canoe ride.
Tonight?! Shh!
You'll embarrass them.
Walter and Elsie, I
wouldn't recommend
trying to go to
Lost Lake tonight.
Why, you'd have to hike
through the woods in the dark.
We don't want to
go, Mrs. Bradley.
No, it was Judge Carson's idea.
Well, it's ridiculous.
Why, you might get lost
and have to spend
your wedding night there.
Kate, let me talk to you alone.
You wait right
here; I'll be back.
Sit down, Kate.
Uncle Joe, I got
a terrible feeling
that something's awful wrong.
Oh, not at all.
Up till now, everything's
gone as smooth as butter.
What do you mean "up till now"?
Well, for the rest
of the evening,
we got a teensy little
problem on our hand.
What teensy little problem?
Them two kids ain't married.
Oh, no!
I won't be a legal justice
of the peace until Monday.
That's why I wanted to take
them kids up to Lost Lake,
get Sam Drucker to marry them.
They can't hike up to Lost
Lake on their wedding night!
It ain't exactly
their wedding night.
Don't you dare tell them!
Getting a start in life
like that could ruin them.
Oh, those poor kids.
What'll we do?
You're gonna hike
up to Lost Lake
and bring Sam Drucker back here.
All alone?
Oh, take Floyd or Charley.
They're out in the kitchen.
Now, move.
While I try and
think of something.
Wait a minute!
Uh, Walter, tell me something.
Um... do you like hot, fluffy
buttermilk pancakes
for breakfast?
I sure do.
Come on, Elsie, I'll show
you how to make them!
On our honeymoon?
Look who's here.
Hi, Elsie. Hi.
Hi, Elsie.
Betty Jo, you get
Elsie an apron, huh?
An apron? Yes, an apron, apron.
Well, Mom, surely
the bride isn't
going to wash dishes
on her wedding night.
Of course not.
She's gonna make pancakes.
Your mother thinks I should
learn how to make
pancakes for Walter.
Tonight?
Listen, young lady,
you could learn
a lesson from this.
Oh, sure, honeymoons are
fine and exciting and romantic,
but a smart bride learns
how to keep her
marriage exciting forever.
And you think she can
do that with pancakes?
Why don't you go in the
lobby and keep Walt company.
Hey, swell!
Does he like to dance?
Uh... Just a minute.
Floyd, why don't you go in the
lobby and keep Walt company.
Sure will, Kate.
Does he play checkers?
Why, I don't know.
Well, sure he does.
Now take off your
apron and run along.
Now then, Elsie's all ready
for her pancake lesson.
Mom... And I'll do the talking.
Elsie?
No. My name's
Floyd, Floyd Smoot.
We met earlier, remember?
Yeah.
Sure.
Boy, sit right down here.
We're gonna have us
a checker tournament.
Checker tournament?
Don't you play checkers?
Well, yeah, I have.
But this is my honeymoon.
Okay, we'll play hearts.
No.
Checkers are fine.
Joe, you said you knew
the way to Lost Lake.
I did, but that was
before it got lost.
Very funny.
What do we do now?
Wait a minute, Charley.
I got my bearings.
I recognize that old bristly
cone pine tree over there.
So do I; we passed
it 20 minutes ago.
Well, don't get
excited, Charley.
We'll find Sam.
(calling out): Hello!
(echo): Hello!
There he is.
That's your echo.
Oh.
Well, let's follow that
and see where it takes us.
Oh, Elsie, you're getting
the hang of it just fine.
Walter's gonna
be so proud of you.
Oh, I just hope he remembers me.
Think those are about ready.
(sighs): Oh, my!
Just look at that
golden brown color.
And they're so light and fluffy.
Elsie, this is the
best batch so far.
Hey, you know something, Kate?
It's a lucky thing I
got ahold of this boy.
He needs checker
lessons something awful.
I whupped him
140 straight games.
He can't keep his
mind on the game.
(giggling)
Elsie, did you cook
all those pancakes?
Yes, I did.
Well, honey, I hope
you won't get mad at me,
but there's something
I got to tell you.
What?
I can't eat that
big a breakfast.
Mom, Floyd, can I
see you a second?
No sign of Uncle
Joe and Charley.
(whispering): Oh, dear!
What am I gonna do
with Walt and Elsie?
Floyd and I could take
them for a train ride.
That's a good idea.
You two go down
and fire up the boiler.
And hurry.
Kids?
Walt?! Elsie?!
Walter... Shh!
I think we've lost her.
Let's get our suitcases
and get out of here.
Mrs. Bradley.
How did you get up there?
Up the back stairs
through the kitchen.
I have to have a
little talk with you two.
We're awful tired, Mrs. Bradley.
Yeah, could we talk
about it tomorrow?
This is the kind of talk
that can't be put off.
Now, just sit down.
(chuckles)
(clears throat)
Well... there's sure
nothing like a honeymoon!
Sure nothing like
it around here.
(laughs)
That's very funny.
Elsie, you're very lucky.
You got a husband
with a sense of humor.
Oh, I think I'm lucky.
I'm the lucky one.
Well, you're both
lucky, you're both lucky.
But you know something,
it takes more than luck
to make a marriage a success.
Oh, there are the
dangers and the pitfalls
that you have to guard against.
For example, you got
to watch out for HLD.
HLD?
Honeymoon letdown.
You mean it gets worse?
(laughing): She's got
a sense of humor, too.
Oh, isn't that wonderful.
Honest, Mrs. Bradley, we
don't want to take a train ride.
But it's part of the package.
Do us a favor and keep
the rest of the package.
Don't you want the honeymoon?
Oh, yes, we want that.
Well, then you have
to take a train ride.
All part of the same package.
(train whistle blowing)
Come on, kids, can't
keep the train waiting.
We might as well go, Elsie.
Maybe we can catch a little nap.
I hope so.
I'm just dead on my feet.
Oh, any sign of Joe
and Charley yet?
Not a sign, Mom.
Now what are you gonna do, Mom?
I got one last desperate idea.
But I'm gonna need
your help. Come on.
Elsie, I'd carry you
over the threshold,
but I don't think I
can get over it myself.
I know what you mean, darling.
I don't care what the
rest of the package is,
we're taking the
honeymoon and that's all.
I'm with you.
Oh, Walter, look!
It can't be.
What could've happened?
Termites.
Isn't it terrible?
Termites?
Thank goodness the building
inspector was staying here,
and he caught it
before anybody got hurt.
Well, there's still
the back stairs.
Come on, Walt.
Oh, no, they're even worse.
He had to tear
those out altogether.
Mom?
Mom, they're coming.
But they're carrying
Mr. Drucker.
Carrying him?
Sam, are you hurt?
No, these idiots woke
me out of a sound sleep,
and I got the zipper jammed.
We offered to cut him
out of it, but he's too cheap.
This is a $60 sleeping bag!
Well, prop him up.
We got to get those
poor kids married.
By the power vested in me,
I now pronounce
you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
You may kiss the bride.
All right, boys, carry
Sam out in the kitchen,
and I'll feed him while
you work on that zipper.
Take it easy.
Watch my head.
Help me, girls, huh?
(chuckles)
♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪
This has been a
Filmways Presentation. ♪
♪ Come ride the little train ♪
♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪
(bell clanging)
♪ Forget about your cares ♪
♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪
(whistle blows twice)
♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪
♪ And even more when you get ♪
♪ To the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
(snare drum plays train rhythm)
♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
♪ At the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪
(train whistle blows twice)
♪ ♪
All right, Billie Jo, um...
Uh-oh, I lost one of my links
out of my chain gang, huh?
Billie Jo.
BILLIE JO: Be right there, Mom.
Betty Jo, you start
with Uncle Joe's room.
Right, Mom. And
look under the bed.
He knows this is
our big cleaning day,
so he's probably hiding there.
What's this?
Oh, that must be the
sheet Uncle Joe made
into the victory banner
for the side of the train.
Hmm.
I was afraid all that
paint wouldn't come out.
Well, I thought I'd
better iron it anyway.
We're low on sheets.
(chuckles)
Some victory special that was.
Yeah, we got
clobbered 84 to nothing.
(laughing)
Listen, tell you what you do.
Put this on Uncle Joe's bed,
and maybe it will discourage him
from painting silly signs
all over my good linen.
Okay, Mom. Billie Jo!
BILLIE JO: Coming, Mom.
Hey.
Don't you start that.
One Zsa Zsa in
the family's enough.
BETTY JO: Mom? Mom!
I found something
under Uncle Joe's bed.
I'll bet it was Uncle Joe.
It's another bed sheet, Mom,
and wait till you see
what's printed on this one.
"Marrying Joe Carson"?
"Honeymoon Special"?
How does that grab you?
JOE: Kate! Kate!
Here comes the mad painter.
Quick, hide those clean sheets.
Kate, girls, we struck it rich.
I got the greatest news you...
Oh, you found my banner.
Spoiled the surprise.
I'm gonna hate
myself for asking,
but what's the surprise?
Wait till you hear.
Wait till I sit down.
All of you sit down.
From now on, you're gonna
be leading a life of ease.
No more work.
Now, starting today,
this lovely little hotel
is gonna be known
as Honeymoon Haven,
home of Marrying Joe Carson,
originator of the
package wedding plan
that's gonna
make us all so rich,
you'll be lighting the
stove with ten dollar bills.
All right, girls, let's
get back to work.
Kate...
Kate, l-listen to
what I'm offering.
A free ride down here from town
on the Honeymoon Special,
originally known as the
Hooterville Cannonball.
The wedding ceremony
performed by Judge
Carson, the Marrying Judge,
the wedding supper, the
honeymoon and free rice,
all thrown in for the
unbelievable price
of ten dollars. Uncle Joe...
We'll make this the
honeymoon capital of the USA.
We'll slow Niagara Falls down
to a trickle. Uncle Joe...
Where else can folks
get a deal like ours?
I'll bet we even
get that Burton fella
if he ever marries that,
uh... wh-what's her name?
Uncle Joe, when did
you become a judge?
Well, I ain't one yet, but
I'm on my way to Hooterville
right now to take
care of that little detail.
Well, that little detail
consists of getting elected.
Oh, no, it don't, Kate.
(train whistle blowing)
The boys are holding
the train for me,
so I'll have to
give it to you fast.
The justice of the
peace, Dave Pierce,
just resigned his office.
It'll be two months
until election.
Somebody has to fill that
job for the two months.
Early this morning, I
caught the train to Pixley,
and I called Sam
Drucker long distance
and asked him as county judge
to appoint me justice
pro tem till election.
Can Sam Drucker make you a JP?
Sure, he can, Sam's
the law west of Pixley.
(train whistle blowing)
I'm coming, I'm coming!
By election time, I'll be
the popular incumbent.
I'll be swept into office
by the thousands of
grateful honeymooners
that have united
in happy wedlock.
Betty, give me the banner
for the Honeymoon Special.
I'd ask you all to
my swearing in,
but you got too much to do:
clean up the rooms, put a
wedding cake in the oven,
practice that wedding
march on the piano
and singing, "Oh, Promise
Me" and stuff like that.
And thinking of ways of spending
all that money we're gonna make.
Well, Mom, what do you think?
I'm worried.
I'm awful worried, girls.
I thought it
sounded pretty good.
Yeah, me, too. Yeah.
That's what worries
me... It sounded too good.
(bell clanging)
Will you stop swooping
that pen around
and start signing?
I want to get up to
Lost Lake before dark.
I hear they seen a
14-point buck up by the lake.
Boy, would I like to
get him in my sights.
A 14-point buck.
Will you stop swooping
that gun and start swearing?
Oh, all right.
Do you solemnly swear
to perform your duties
as temporary justice of the
peace in the proper manner?
Sam, I'm going to
perform my duties so good
that folks from all over the
country are going to come
to Hooterville and ask
for Justice Joe Carson,
the man who...
Joe, just say, "I do so
swear." I do so swear.
That makes it official,
as soon as you get
that document
countersigned and recorded
by the county clerk
at the courthouse.
Joseph Carson,
justice of the peace.
Not until you get that document
recorded at the courthouse.
I'm on my way, Sam.
So long, Joe.
Tell Kate I'll bring
her some venison.
So long, Sam.
Why isn't Charley helping you?
You sent him over to the
marriage license bureau
to drum up business.
Oh, yeah.
You better let
me do that, Floyd.
You've been riding
this wobbly train so long
on these crooked old tracks,
you wouldn't know
straight when you see it.
Don't call the Hooterville
Cannonball wobbly.
Don't call the
Hooterville Cannonball
"the Hooterville Cannonball".
From now on, she's
the Honeymoon Special.
CHARLEY: Joe... Listen, Joe.
No, no, no more Joe.
From now on, you
boys call me judge
or justice or Your Honor.
Okay.
Listen, Joe, I seen
this young couple
coming out of the
marriage license bureau,
and I told them about
your package deal.
They're all set to take it.
Good work, Charley.
Is that them?
Yeah.
Come on, kids, don't be bashful.
Shake hands with the
fella that's gonna marry you:
Joe... uh, Judge Carson.
Hello, young lovers.
How do you do, sir?
I'm Walter Shepherd,
and this is...
Elsie Gregg.
But she'll soon
be Elsie Shepherd.
Mrs. Walter Shepherd.
Yeah, but I'll
still call you Elsie.
Oh, I want you to, always.
Excuse me, kids.
I hate to bust in, but it's time
to say, "All aboard
for Shady Rest."
Honeymoon Haven.
Well, whatever it
is, all aboard for it.
See you at the hotel, kids.
I'll stand up for you, Walt.
Would you young folks like
to board the Honeymoon Special?
Oh, would you, Walt?
Would you, Elsie?
Why, I'd love to.
(sighs)
I love the way you say, "love".
♪ All aboard the
Honeymoon Special ♪
(humming)
(train whistle blowing)
BOBBIE JO: ♪ Those
first sweet violets ♪
♪ Of early spring ♪
♪ Which come in whispers ♪
♪ Thrill us both and sing ♪
♪ Of love unspeakable ♪
♪ That is to be ♪
♪ Oh, promise me ♪
♪ Oh, promise me... ♪
Floyd, stop that.
I thought it was pretty.
But this is a solemn occasion.
Oh.
(Wagner's "Bridal
Chorus" playing)
Floyd, you and
Charley over there.
You're the groom's witnesses.
And Bobbie, you
and Kate over there.
You're the bride's witnesses.
Now join hands.
Not us.
We're just witnessin'.
Are you ready?
I do.
I mean, I am.
Walter and Elsie,
we're gathered here to unite you
in the bonds of matrimony.
You know, you two have the
honor of being the first couple
I've ever married,
and I'd appreciate it
if you'd tell all
your single friends
about my unusual package deal,
'cause, you know,
you get the trip
out here from
town, the ceremony,
the wedding supper, cake, the...
Joe, this is no time
for a commercial.
Oh... oh, oh.
Then, I'll start right
from the beginning again.
And go on to the ending.
Walter and Elsie,
we're gathered here to unite you
in the bonds of matrimony.
(Mendelssohn's
"Wedding March" playing)
All right, everybody,
a toast to the bride and groom,
Mr. and Mrs. Walter Shepherd.
Congratulations. Thank you.
Oh, that sounds so wonderful.
Well, how does it feel
to be actually married?
How do you feel, Elsie?
Well, how do you feel?
I feel just like you feel.
I feel exactly the same way.
It's a wonderful
feeling, isn't it?
It sure is.
Uh, ladies and gentlemen...
(clears throat)
Ladies and gentlemen,
may the bride and
groom propose a toast?
Sure, sure. Go ahead.
My wife and I would
like to propose a toast
to the marvelous
man who married us,
Justice of the Peace
Joseph Carson.
ALL: To Joe.
Now, let's have a
little of that cake.
Uncle Joe...
I want to apologize
for doubting you.
This is such a happy,
wonderful occasion.
This is only the
beginning, Kate.
You'll have to hire
you one of them CPAs
to count all your money.
Oh, I don't care
if we lose money.
Having weddings here
is gonna be such a joy.
Oh, I love you, Uncle Joe.
Judge Carson in front of folks.
Oh.
JOE: Joseph Carson,
justice of the peace.
DRUCKER: Not till you get that
document recorded at the courthouse.
What's the matter?
You look a little
green around the gills.
Charley, what time's
the courthouse close?
About 5:00.
What time is it now?
About 9:00.
What time does it
open in the morning?
It don't; tomorrow's Saturday.
Oh, me.
You feel all right, Joe?
I mean, Judge.
Just call me Joe.
We're friends.
Let's hurry up and get the
rice before she comes in.
Oh! Give me some of that rice.
(laughing): Here you go.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, here they come,
here they come!
(laughter)
(girls shriek)
There you go. Good luck!
Good luck.
Just a minute! Come back here!
KATE: Uncle Joe,
what's the matter?
What are you doing?
I'm seeing that these kids
get what they paid for...
The whole package deal.
And that includes, uh...
includes a wedding picture!
Yeah, you got to have
your wedding picture took.
Uh, y-you want a picture of
this happy moment, don't you?
Well, yes, I'd love one.
I love the way you say "love."
See, Kate?
You was gonna shortchange them
out of their wedding picture.
Well, all right, get your
camera and take their picture.
You'll have to excuse me.
I want to get the girls
started in the kitchen.
Thank you for
everything, Mrs. Bradley.
It was a wonderful
wedding supper.
Gee, I don't know who you'd
call the captain of a train.
I think it'd be the conductor.
Why do you ask, Joe?
Well, the captain of a
ship can marry people.
I thought maybe the
captain of a train could, too.
In an emergency.
Oh, I don't think so.
Only competition you got
around here is Judge Drucker.
And he'll be up at
Lost Lake for a week.
Yeah.
Well, thanks, boys.
Thank you for the bouquet.
It was nice to be
here. Congratulations.
Bye.
Now, because
you're my first couple,
besides the package deal, I'm
gonna give you a bonus surprise.
What is it?
A moonlight canoe
ride on Lost Lake.
Tonight?
Now, wait, this ain't
an ordinary canoe ride.
This is a combination canoe
ride and Indian wedding ceremony
performed by
Deer Slayer himself,
old big Chief Drucker.
But we're already married.
Not Indian style.
You'll love it.
Did you get the
wedding pictures?
You wait right here.
Kate, the kids want
to go up to Lost Lake
for a moonlight canoe ride.
Tonight?! Shh!
You'll embarrass them.
Walter and Elsie, I
wouldn't recommend
trying to go to
Lost Lake tonight.
Why, you'd have to hike
through the woods in the dark.
We don't want to
go, Mrs. Bradley.
No, it was Judge Carson's idea.
Well, it's ridiculous.
Why, you might get lost
and have to spend
your wedding night there.
Kate, let me talk to you alone.
You wait right
here; I'll be back.
Sit down, Kate.
Uncle Joe, I got
a terrible feeling
that something's awful wrong.
Oh, not at all.
Up till now, everything's
gone as smooth as butter.
What do you mean "up till now"?
Well, for the rest
of the evening,
we got a teensy little
problem on our hand.
What teensy little problem?
Them two kids ain't married.
Oh, no!
I won't be a legal justice
of the peace until Monday.
That's why I wanted to take
them kids up to Lost Lake,
get Sam Drucker to marry them.
They can't hike up to Lost
Lake on their wedding night!
It ain't exactly
their wedding night.
Don't you dare tell them!
Getting a start in life
like that could ruin them.
Oh, those poor kids.
What'll we do?
You're gonna hike
up to Lost Lake
and bring Sam Drucker back here.
All alone?
Oh, take Floyd or Charley.
They're out in the kitchen.
Now, move.
While I try and
think of something.
Wait a minute!
Uh, Walter, tell me something.
Um... do you like hot, fluffy
buttermilk pancakes
for breakfast?
I sure do.
Come on, Elsie, I'll show
you how to make them!
On our honeymoon?
Look who's here.
Hi, Elsie. Hi.
Hi, Elsie.
Betty Jo, you get
Elsie an apron, huh?
An apron? Yes, an apron, apron.
Well, Mom, surely
the bride isn't
going to wash dishes
on her wedding night.
Of course not.
She's gonna make pancakes.
Your mother thinks I should
learn how to make
pancakes for Walter.
Tonight?
Listen, young lady,
you could learn
a lesson from this.
Oh, sure, honeymoons are
fine and exciting and romantic,
but a smart bride learns
how to keep her
marriage exciting forever.
And you think she can
do that with pancakes?
Why don't you go in the
lobby and keep Walt company.
Hey, swell!
Does he like to dance?
Uh... Just a minute.
Floyd, why don't you go in the
lobby and keep Walt company.
Sure will, Kate.
Does he play checkers?
Why, I don't know.
Well, sure he does.
Now take off your
apron and run along.
Now then, Elsie's all ready
for her pancake lesson.
Mom... And I'll do the talking.
Elsie?
No. My name's
Floyd, Floyd Smoot.
We met earlier, remember?
Yeah.
Sure.
Boy, sit right down here.
We're gonna have us
a checker tournament.
Checker tournament?
Don't you play checkers?
Well, yeah, I have.
But this is my honeymoon.
Okay, we'll play hearts.
No.
Checkers are fine.
Joe, you said you knew
the way to Lost Lake.
I did, but that was
before it got lost.
Very funny.
What do we do now?
Wait a minute, Charley.
I got my bearings.
I recognize that old bristly
cone pine tree over there.
So do I; we passed
it 20 minutes ago.
Well, don't get
excited, Charley.
We'll find Sam.
(calling out): Hello!
(echo): Hello!
There he is.
That's your echo.
Oh.
Well, let's follow that
and see where it takes us.
Oh, Elsie, you're getting
the hang of it just fine.
Walter's gonna
be so proud of you.
Oh, I just hope he remembers me.
Think those are about ready.
(sighs): Oh, my!
Just look at that
golden brown color.
And they're so light and fluffy.
Elsie, this is the
best batch so far.
Hey, you know something, Kate?
It's a lucky thing I
got ahold of this boy.
He needs checker
lessons something awful.
I whupped him
140 straight games.
He can't keep his
mind on the game.
(giggling)
Elsie, did you cook
all those pancakes?
Yes, I did.
Well, honey, I hope
you won't get mad at me,
but there's something
I got to tell you.
What?
I can't eat that
big a breakfast.
Mom, Floyd, can I
see you a second?
No sign of Uncle
Joe and Charley.
(whispering): Oh, dear!
What am I gonna do
with Walt and Elsie?
Floyd and I could take
them for a train ride.
That's a good idea.
You two go down
and fire up the boiler.
And hurry.
Kids?
Walt?! Elsie?!
Walter... Shh!
I think we've lost her.
Let's get our suitcases
and get out of here.
Mrs. Bradley.
How did you get up there?
Up the back stairs
through the kitchen.
I have to have a
little talk with you two.
We're awful tired, Mrs. Bradley.
Yeah, could we talk
about it tomorrow?
This is the kind of talk
that can't be put off.
Now, just sit down.
(chuckles)
(clears throat)
Well... there's sure
nothing like a honeymoon!
Sure nothing like
it around here.
(laughs)
That's very funny.
Elsie, you're very lucky.
You got a husband
with a sense of humor.
Oh, I think I'm lucky.
I'm the lucky one.
Well, you're both
lucky, you're both lucky.
But you know something,
it takes more than luck
to make a marriage a success.
Oh, there are the
dangers and the pitfalls
that you have to guard against.
For example, you got
to watch out for HLD.
HLD?
Honeymoon letdown.
You mean it gets worse?
(laughing): She's got
a sense of humor, too.
Oh, isn't that wonderful.
Honest, Mrs. Bradley, we
don't want to take a train ride.
But it's part of the package.
Do us a favor and keep
the rest of the package.
Don't you want the honeymoon?
Oh, yes, we want that.
Well, then you have
to take a train ride.
All part of the same package.
(train whistle blowing)
Come on, kids, can't
keep the train waiting.
We might as well go, Elsie.
Maybe we can catch a little nap.
I hope so.
I'm just dead on my feet.
Oh, any sign of Joe
and Charley yet?
Not a sign, Mom.
Now what are you gonna do, Mom?
I got one last desperate idea.
But I'm gonna need
your help. Come on.
Elsie, I'd carry you
over the threshold,
but I don't think I
can get over it myself.
I know what you mean, darling.
I don't care what the
rest of the package is,
we're taking the
honeymoon and that's all.
I'm with you.
Oh, Walter, look!
It can't be.
What could've happened?
Termites.
Isn't it terrible?
Termites?
Thank goodness the building
inspector was staying here,
and he caught it
before anybody got hurt.
Well, there's still
the back stairs.
Come on, Walt.
Oh, no, they're even worse.
He had to tear
those out altogether.
Mom?
Mom, they're coming.
But they're carrying
Mr. Drucker.
Carrying him?
Sam, are you hurt?
No, these idiots woke
me out of a sound sleep,
and I got the zipper jammed.
We offered to cut him
out of it, but he's too cheap.
This is a $60 sleeping bag!
Well, prop him up.
We got to get those
poor kids married.
By the power vested in me,
I now pronounce
you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
You may kiss the bride.
All right, boys, carry
Sam out in the kitchen,
and I'll feed him while
you work on that zipper.
Take it easy.
Watch my head.
Help me, girls, huh?
(chuckles)
♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪
This has been a
Filmways Presentation. ♪