Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 1, Episode 11 - Uncle Joe's Replacement - full transcript

When Kate and the girls go into town to pick up the pocket watch they ordered through Drucker's store - the watch being Uncle Joe's birthday present - Kate, in an effort to boost Herby's confidence, he who is working for Sam, inadvertently offers him a job as Assistant Manager at the hotel, with an imminent promotion to Manager. Herby readily accepts. Kate doesn't have the heart not to give him the job, so she decides that she can give him some menial tasks at the hotel under the guise of the important sounding position. However, Uncle Joe believes that Herby's arrival and Kate not wanting him to go into town with her and the girls among other things means that Herby is his professional replacement at the hotel and Kate is setting him out to pasture against his will. Wanting to feel useful while doing something important, Uncle Joe goes in search of a job. He gets one, telling everyone that he is an executive with some large company. Knowing that he's probably earning money in some low level job, Kate comes up with a scheme that will make Uncle Joe's wish to be an executive come true. However, that scheme backfires, which sets in motion a deal between Kate and Sam to bring life in the valley for both Uncle Joe and Herby back into equilibrium.

(train whistle blows twice)

♪ Come ride the little train ♪

♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪

(bell clanging)

♪ Forget about your cares ♪

♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪

(whistle blows twice)

♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪

♪ And even more when you get ♪

♪ To the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪



(snare drum plays train rhythm)

♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪

♪ At the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪

(train whistle blows twice)

(train chugging)

It'll be here in four minutes.

Hey, if we're lucky, we can get

on the train, be in Hooterville

before Uncle Joe wakes
up and finds out we're gone.



Uncle Joe won't wake up.

For dessert, I slugged him

with a double dose
of pumpkin pie.

That'll keep him out
like a light till dinner.

(laughing): Oh,
Mom, you're awful.

(laughing): Ain't it the truth.

But, you know, he's so nosy.

It's the only way to
keep him from coming

into Sam Drucker's
store and finding out

we got him a watch
for his birthday.

And it'll work, too.

A couple helpings of
Mama's pumpkin pie

is better than hitting him
over the head with a club.

Hi, gang.

I should've used a club.

Joe, why aren't you sleeping?

I was, but I woke up.

Had too much pumpkin pie.

But pumpkin pie
always keeps you asleep.

No, it's mince that does that.

Listen, anybody
can make a mistake.

(train whistle blowing)

Well, so long, Uncle Joe.

See you when we get back.

What do you mean, so long?

This is buying day, ain't it?

I'm going into Drucker's store

with you like I always do.

Well, uh, we're not
gonna buy much today,

and the... and the girls
can help me carry it.

They're young and strong.

(bell clanging)

Meaning I ain't?

Well-well, of course not.

It's just that you've
been working so hard

around here lately, uh,
thinking and planning.

I have been pushing
pretty hard lately.

Sure, you've worked
hard all your life.

You're entitled
to relax a little.

You've done your share.

Come on, girls. Bye.

Bye, Uncle Joe. Bye, Uncle Joe.

(whistle blowing)

Save your steam,
they're getting on.

Bye, Uncle Joe.

(chuckles)

(whistle blowing)

(bell clanging)

Bye, Kate. Bye, girls.

Don't buy anything I
wouldn't approve of.

Ooh-wee.

It's Billie Jo Bradley and-and
her mother and sisters.

Ooh, they'll be coming by

to pick up this watch
for Uncle Joe's birthday.

That Billie Jo is as pretty

as the moon rising
over Snively Swamp.

What a beauty.

Yeah.

Real smooth movement, too.

Yeah.

Mr. Drucker!

It ain't right for you to talk
that way about Billie Jo.

I'm talking about this watch!

And you keep your
mind on your work.

Hi, Herby.

SAM: Oh, hi, Kate.

KATE: Hi, Sam.

Hi, Herby.

Gee, Billie, hi.

Here's Uncle Joe's watch, Kate.

14 karat, 17 jewel,
just like you ordered.

Oh, Sam.

Girls, look.

Isn't that beautiful?

Oh, Mom, that's lovely.

Oh, that's beautiful.

Hey, give it here, Kate.

I'll have it wrapped for you.

Herby?

Oh, yes, Mr. Drucker, I...

Herby, you knucklehead!

Look at the mess you've made.

Do I have to?

I mean, just hearing
it was bad enough.

Herby, you ten-thumbed nitwit!

Now, Sam, stop picking
on him, it was Billie's fault.

Your Herby was
just trying to help out.

I'd like to help him out,

right out the front door.

Now, Sam, you simmer down.

That clumsy kid.

Sam, Herby's a
hardworking, fine boy.

He just acts clumsy
because he doesn't

have any confidence in himself.

He feels inferior.

Well, who has a better right?

Now, Sam, you see?

You see how
you're picking on him

and knocking down
his confidence?

Let me talk to him...
Maybe I can help.

All right, Kate, but
I'm warning you,

when you talk to him, don't
stand under anything loose.

Oh, lay off him, Sam.

Herby?

Don't look so sad.

Accidents like that
can happen to anybody.

I know they could. Well, good.

But they don't,
they happen to me.

Oh... (clanging)

Let's... talk over here,

away from anything loose.

Huh?

It's nothing, nothing.

It's just that I
need room, I, um...

talk a lot with my hands.

Now, Herby, what
I'm trying to tell you is,

if you had the
confidence in yourself

that I have in you,
you'd go right to the top.

Oh, you're just saying
that to make me feel good.

Are you kidding?

Anybody in these parts
who runs a business,

they'd love to have
you working for them.

And you know why?

Yeah, 'cause I work cheap.

No, because you're dependable,

you're reliable,
and you're willing.

Ah, go on.

Too bad you're Sam's right arm,

or you could be working
for me right this minute,

starting out as, um...
well, as assistant manager.

Ah, go on. No, I mean it, Herby,

and in no time at all,
you could be manager.

I accept the job!

I'm gonna quit here
and go to work for you.

Ah, go on. Oh...

Thank you, Mrs.
Bradley, thank you.

At last, someone believes in me.

Whippee! When do I start?

Herby, l-l-listen,

l-let's not rush
into anything, huh?

Oh, I get it, you
just were talking.

You didn't really mean it.

Nobody in this whole
world needs me.

Oh, I need you,
I-I-I'd love to hire you.

It's just that, uh, that, uh...

it-it's Sam, that's it.

He needs you more
than I do. I do? What for?

See? Mr. Drucker doesn't care.

I'm yours.

Now, Herby, uh,
before we go any farther,

uh, I gotta straighten
you out about something.

Sure, Mrs. Bradley,
and I want to thank you

for hiring me as your
new assistant manager,

because it's done
more for my confidence

than anything in my whole life.

Now, what'd you
want to tell me, boss?

Your hours are nine to five.

You get Thursdays
off, and the...

customer's always right.

Oh, all that and working

side by side with Billie Jo.

I can hardly stand it!

I feel the same way.

Thanks, Herby. Merci, Herbert.

Thank you, Herby.

Oh, Mrs. Bradley. Hmm?

What room are you
gonna give your willing

and dependable
assistant manager?

Who? Uh, me.

Oh, yes, you.

Uh, for a second, I didn't
recognize the description.

Um, well, I was thinking,
uh, why don't you take,

uh, Uncle Joe's room
and move his things

into that big corner room
that he's been wanting.

Right, boss, I'll start
moving stuff right away.

Uh, oh, uh, willing

and dependable
assistant manager.

Yes, boss?

Uh, it's gonna be a problem

moving all those things

with your arms
full of groceries,

so why don't you take
them into the kitchen

and take these
into the storeroom?

Oh, smart thinking.

Boy, I can see I'm
gonna learn a lot

working with other
smart thinking people.

Here, I'll take them all.

Oh, don't... Here, Herby.

Thank you, Herby.

Here you go, manager.

I've got them.

(girls giggling)

Mom. Hmm?

The next time you get an idea

to build somebody's
character... Don't?

GIRLS: Don't.

Well, Herby, my boy.

Here, let me give you a hand.

Gee, thanks, Mr. Carson.

There you are.

Thanks a lot.

Don't mention it.

(train whistle blowing)

Hey, you better
get barreling, Herby.

The Cannonball will
run off and leave you.

Oh, I'm not talking
the Cannonball.

I'm living here now.

Mrs. Bradley made me
the new assistant manager

of this here hotel.

Well, congratulations, Herby.

Say, you're coming
up... Hold on a minute.

What do you mean,
assistant manager?

Oh, she says I'm bright

and dependable and trustworthy,

and I'm going far in
the hotel business.

Well, gotta get to the business

of assistant managing.

Why would she want a
young squirt like Herby around?

Why, he...

KATE: You've worked
hard all your life, Uncle Joe.

You've earned the
right to relax a little.

You've done your share.

Rest now, Uncle Joe.
Done your share...

Relax. Take it easy.

Relax. Take it easy.

Relax, relax.

So that's what Kate's up to.

She wants to put
me out to pasture

just because I got a
couple of gray hairs.

Okay, couple of dozen.

Can't believe that
this terrible thing

is being done to
me by my own niece.

Oh, Uncle Joe, I wonder...

Don't speak to me,
my own former niece.

Uncle Joe, what are you...
Same goes for accomplices.

Uncle Joe, what are you

so darned steamed up about?

You know darn well

what I'm so darn
steamed up about.

You hired that squirt,
Herby, to replace me.

Oh, I did no such thing.

All right then, prove it

by firing him out
of here right now.

B-but... well, I can't.

You see... You bet
I see. Real good.

I may be an old man
with double chins to you,

but I still got pride enough
to hold them both up.

I can't even reason
with Uncle Joe.

He locked his door.

And when I knock,
he just growls.

It sounds like a
room full of Airedales.

Well, maybe I ought to go upstairs...
Come on, my old and only friend.

You and I are gonna
wait for the train

down by the railroad tracks.

Uncle Joe!

I don't cotton to hanging around

with a bunch of strangers.

No, wait, Uncle Joe.

Uncle Joe, why
are you carrying on

so much about
absolutely nothing?

Well, it ain't my idea
of absolutely nothing.

You think I'm an old man.

You're putting me out to pasture

just because I got
a few gray hairs.

Oh, I'm not putting
you out to pasture

because you've
got a few gray hairs.

No?

Then, what are you putting
me out to pasture for?

Uncle Joe...

This morning, you went to town,

and you bamboozled
me out of going with you.

Yes or no?

Well, yes, but...

And when you come back,
you brung that young squirt,

Herby Bates, with
you and made him

the new assistant manager
of the hotel... yes or no?

Well, yes, but I can
explain everything.

All right, then explain the part

about not wanting me
to go to town with you.

That part, I can't explain.

Aha.

And what about bringing
that young squirt, Herby, here

and making him
assistant manager?

Oh, aha to you.

I gave Herby a little
job with a big title

just to build his confidence.

Oh?

I wanted to make
him feel important.

That's why I can't fire him.

Maybe I was a mite hasty
with my conclusion jumping.

Well, then, it's all settled.

You're staying.

Here, I'll take your
suitcase upstairs...

No, let go, I can handle it.

No, no, no, I'll take it,
give it to me. No, let go!

Uncle Joe.

Well, I-I travel light.

You old fraud, you
never intended leaving.

Oh, there's just
nobody else like you.

Nobody could
replace you, Uncle Joe.

Mrs. Bradley, I'm all set
to move everything out

of Uncle Joe's room and
put my own stuff in there,

like you told me.

Tell me that part again
where you can't replace me.

Well, Uncle Joe, I...

I can explain everything.

Badly, of course.

No more empty talk, no
more empty suitcases.

I'm walking out of here

and landing myself
a big executive job.

Uncle Joe, wait.

Yup, I walked out of there

and landed myself
a big executive job.

That's right, Lon.

No, no, I can't disclose the
exact nature of my business.

It's top secret.

But if you happen to run
into Kate and the girls,

tell them I'm in great
spot to clean up.

Bye, Lon.

Evening.

Uncle Joe!

BETTY JO: Oh, Uncle Joe!

Where have you
been, Uncle Joe...?

Uncle Joe?

You look like Mr. Carmichael,

the funeral director.

No wisecracks, please.

I want a little service.

(laughs) Well, what do
you think you're doing?

I am registering for a room,

and I demand the same respect

you give other paying guests.

Paying guests?

Cash on the barrelhead

for the best room in the place.

Oh, but Uncle Joe, you...

That's Mr. Carson.

Mr. Carson?

Now you're talking.

I've just accepted
an important position

as Executive Vice President

of one of Hooterville's
leading industries.

You may think
my registering here

as a paying guest
kind of strange.

Oh, not strange.

Ridiculous.

The explanation is quite simple.

I decided to be a guest here

because it is convenient to
my important executive work

and because the Shady Rest
Hotel has always been famous

for its fine
management in the past.

My key... give it to me.

Boy, would I like to...

Here you are, Mr. Carson... sir.

Thank you, Mrs.
Bradley... ma'am.

Oh, yes.

And I'll expect breakfast
promptly at 7:30.

Mom? Hmm?

Remember, the
customer is always right.

What loudmouth says so?

You, Mom.

Oh, that loudmouth.

I'm Joe Carson of Hooterville.

Are you traveling men?

Ned Hooper. Jenkins here
and me are in the hardware line.

I'm in the executive
line myself.

Oh?

Right. I hold an
important position

with a firm that
recognizes the value

of experience and
mature judgment.

Not like some
backward people I know

who are in the hotel game.

Oh, baloney.

What?

Oh, baloney with
your eggs or ham?

Oh. I'll try the
baloney, Miss Bradley.

Yes, Mr. Carson.

It's easy to tell
you're a baloney man.

Excuse me.

28, 29, 30... Hey,
Mom, what's the matter?

I'm counting to ten

so I'll lose the
urge to kill him,

but it doesn't work.

Mom, how come
he's acting this way?

It's not like him.

Oh, he just wants to prove to us

what a valuable man he is

and that we don't
appreciate him enough.

That's why he's staying here

and bragging about
his big, executive job.

A job that doesn't even exist.

Oh, he's got some kind of job.

He came home
with money last night.

My guess is that he's
clerking in a drugstore,

or he's selling ribbons
over a dry goods counter.

(voice breaking): Poor man.

Mom, why don't we follow
him to where he works

and blow the lid
off this whole thing?

Oh, we couldn't do that

on account of his pride.

But we've got to do something.

Honey, believe me,

he's gonna get tired
of pretending real soon

and go back to being his
own sweet loveable self.

Hurry up with my breakfast,

or I'm reporting
you to my colleagues

at the businessmen's club.

The service here is pathetic.

Girls... (clears throat)

we're going to follow Uncle Joe

to where he's working

and blow the lid off everything,

including Uncle Joe.

But how about his pride?

Yeah, how about that?

(bell clanging)

Come on, we'll ride
in the baggage section

where he can't see us.

(chickens clucking)

Oh.

Hey, we forgot.

It's market day.

We'll have to ride with
a carload of chickens.

Oh, dear.

Well, maybe we
better wait till tomorrow.

Oh! Tomorrow
it'll be full of hogs.

Oh.

Well, don't just stand there.

Start clucking.

(clucks)

(chickens clucking)

Give Uncle Joe a job

as Executive Vice
President of my store?!

Oh, Kate, there's a lot less
painful ways of going broke.

Yeah, but-but
Sam, if you told him

that he'd be a
great help to you,

then he could quit that
horrible job at Luke's Eatery

and not be humiliated.

Remember, he's one
of your oldest friends,

and you've known him for years.

No, I-I can't do it.

Uncle Joe is a fine fella,

but he'd just be in
the way around here.

Oh, I don't think
I'd want to hire him,

even if you threw
in one of your girls.

What's wrong with her girls?

Yeah. Yeah.

Any one of us could
do a darn good job here.

Darn right. I'll bet
if I worked here,

why, business would
double in a week.

Especially among the boys.

Okay, Billie Jo,
you've got the job.

Oh. Whoa, Sam, whoa!

We want the job for Uncle Joe.

He's got it if you
throw in Billie Jo.

I like the way she works.

But I didn't mean that I...

Remember, you're
one of his oldest friends.

You've known him for years.

All right, Mr. Drucker,
bring on the work.

Uncle Joe and I
are raring to go.

Sam, hiring me as
Executive Vice President

was the smartest
move you ever made.

Yeah, I've been
thinking about that.

I'll tell you, you won't
even know this business

when I get through with it.

Yeah. I've been
thinking about that, too.

Hey, what's this?

A bill for $33.87 from
McGonigle the printer?

Oh, that must be

for those 20,000 advertising
circulars I had printed.

Part of my clever
promotional scheme.

20,000 advertising circulars?!

There are only 3,000
people in the whole county.

I said my scheme
was clever, not perfect.

Joe, since I made
that smart move

of hiring you as
my vice president,

my business has suffered
four major disasters.

WOMAN: Say, uh,

you the fellas that
put up that poster

in the town hall about minding
kids and livestock for free?

Correction. Five
major disasters.

Quiet in front of
customers, Sam.

Yes, madam.

You've come to the right place.

Drucker's always lives up
to their advertising claims.

I expect to be a very sick man
when I hear about it, ma'am,

but what advertising
claims did I make?

Oh.

Here are some of the circulars.

See for yourself, Sam.

"Notice: as part
of our new policy,

"Drucker's Store will
cheerfully take care

"of all children

"and livestock while parents

or owners are shopping."?

You see, Sam? Now folks
don't have to stay home

because they got nobody to
look after the kids and the pets.

They come here and shop,
and we take care of everything.

Just like the big
stores up at the city.

Shrewd, huh? Not bad, Joe.

Look, it's getting late.

I got to get started.

Come on, in boys.

What'll it be, ma'am?

Now, keep an eye on 'em,

and make sure
they get fed proper.

The dog's hungry,
so are the kids.

I'll be back in a
couple of hours.

Well, wait a minute.
Where are you going?

Shopping over at
Cartright's Emporium.

Got a lot of bargains
going on there today.

Just a second, ma'am.

You got it wrong.

We only watch kids and
dogs if you shop here.

It don't say that on
that poster, mister.

And you know what
happens to stores

that lies in their advertising.

Oh. And Bosco only
eats fresh ground sirloin...

else he bites.

Oh, no. Sam Drucker
can't fire Uncle Joe.

It'll wipe out his self-respect.

But if he doesn't fire him,

it'll wipe out Mr. Drucker's
bank account.

And Mr. Drucker looks
so pitiful when he cries.

Well, so will Uncle
Joe when he fires him.

Now there must be another
way we can handle this thing.

Hi. Let me think...
Oh, Billie Jo, hi.

Oh. Herby, watch out!

(dishes breaking)

That's it. That's what?

Another way.

A secret weapon sometimes
called a Herby Bates.

And the hotel can also use some

of them fancy gourmet
foods I've been reading about.

Like, uh, caviar and
pickled octopuses.

Order me a dozen of each.

Herby Bates, when
they handed out brains,

you wasn't behind the door.

You wasn't even in the building.

I'm the assistant
manager of the hotel.

And Mrs. Bradley says

whatever I think we
need, I should order.

That ties it!

Herby, you're pathetic.

You know less about
the hotel business

than a backward polecat.

I wouldn't talk if I
were you, Mr. Carson.

No offense, but from what
I've been hearing around town,

you know less about
the grocery business

than a whole flock
of backward polecats.

Look what you're doing
to my beautiful hotel.

Well, look what you're
doing to my beautiful store.

I'm-I'm terribly
sorry, Mr. Drucker.

Well, Herby, I guess I'm going
to have to hire you back again.

Me? You're joshing.

Well, might as well,

if you're going to come
here and break things.

That way, at least I can
take it out of your salary.

Oh, great, Mr. Drucker.

Boy, I've really been
missing this place.

All the hay and the grain
and the chicken feed,

and especially you.

Would you like your
old job back, Uncle Joe?

We sure need you.

Yeah, you bet you do.

I haven't made up my mind

whether I want to get
back into the hotel game.

Oh, please Uncle Joe...

(all talking at once)

Well, that depends.

Depends on what?

On whether Sam can spare me.

How about it, Sam?

Can you spare him?

Could George Washington
spare Benedict Arnold?

Huh?

Uh, I say, it'll be a struggle,

but with Herby here helping me,

I'll try to scrape through.

(all talking at once)

Quiet! Quiet, everybody.

And to top off the
homecoming celebration,

the girls and me would
like to present you

with this fine watch in
honor of your birthday.

(all talking at once)

Open it up.

I want to see if you like it.

Come on. Kate!

Girls! Gee, thanks
for the beautiful watch.

It's just what I wanted.

You shouldn't have done it.

Considering all the
trouble it caused,

you're right, I shouldn't have.

(laughter) Congratulations,
Mr. Carson.

Happy... birthday.

Oh, Herby.

Welcome back to the
grocery game, Herby.

♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪

This has been a
Filmways Presentation. ♪