Pete Versus Life (2010–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Fankoo - full transcript

At a party Jake tells Pete that his child-like girlfriend Rachel - who says Fankoo rather than Thank You - sticks her finger up his bottom during sex. Pete promises to keep the confidence but tells their friends,leading to Rachel dumping Jake and ending up in the sack with Pete when he goes to apologize, though his tactlessness sends her back to Jake. However Pete is responsible for splitting up another mate Ollie from his girlfriend after a drunken night out leads to the loss of the expensive trainers she has given Ollie.

[intro music playing]
HOST: This week on
Pete Versus Life,
the socially-challenged,
sports-writing hopeful
faces an old foe
on tip-top form.
Ex-flat mate Jake,
who once survived
eight days on an arctic ice floe
after a dispute with his husky.
There's Jerome, the
fashionista who also worked
as an informal prostitute.
And girly-girl Rachel,
who loves cooking but is
frightened of carrots.
Let's see how he gets
on in Pete Versus Life.
[music playing]
Good evening, I'm Colin King.
And I'm Terry McIlroy.
Ah typical start to
a party, this for Pete.
He's not a great mingler.
And he's trying to
avoid talking to Jake
by pretending to read a book on
the care and upkeep of ponies.
Hello Pete, great to see you.
How are you?
- Fine.
Well, that's really good.
[music playing]
[clears throat]
How are you?
Absolutely fabulous,
thanks for asking.
Still doing my polar
ice core research.
But now based in [inaudible].
- How's the Arctic?
Is it still melting?
Like you wouldn't believe.
The government's doing
absolutely nothing about it.
It's criminal.
Still, Rachel's a
great consolation.
COLIN KING: Well, to Jake and
most well-adjusted people,
this is a normal
friendly conversation.
But to Pete, it's
just a series of digs.
That's right, he's
already ticked off the fact
he's got an interesting job
and a girlfriend.
But I won't get
to see her much,
because at the end
of the month I'm
supposed to be going to some
bloody conference in Madrid.
COLIN KING: That was nice
backhanded mention of travel
plus hitting job again.
Which couldn't
have come at a worse
time, because I'm supposed
to be completing on my flat.
Only time I really get to
myself is my marathon training.
Thanks for letting me unload.
[girl in background exclaims]
Oh, fank you.
So how's it all
going with Rachel?
Oh yeah, really well.
Very well indeed.
[soft music playing]
No, is there something up?
- No.
- She get on your nerves a bit?
How do you mean?
Well, all that girly
stuff and the way she talks.
I mean, who says fank
you instead of thank you.
And what's wrong
with saying fank you?
It's good But go on.
Tell me, what's happening?
No, no, no.
I shouldn't.
Come on.
Let it all out.
You can speak to me.
I think you'll find I'm
a very good listener.
Well, she's got
into this habit of--
--when we're making love,
putting her finger up my bum.
- Yeah, just as I'm about to--
- Launch torpedoes?
Up it goes.
She is so cute.
Thank you.
You sure?
She doesn't seem the type.
Somebody is putting
their finger up there,
and it sure ain't me.
I'll bet that can
be a bit distracting.
It's a little
bit more than that.
Hello, Petey.
[nervous laughter]
What do you think of
my eco doll, Petey?
It's not bad.
Oh, see?
Petey likes you.
Do you mind if me and my eco
doll borrow Jakey for a second?
Fank you.
[music playing]
Oy, Pete.
What happened to you?
I got sucked
into the one show.
Oh, thanks very much.
All right, fellas.
Oh, Rob.
Me and Emma are going to
go for a drink after this.
Do you fancy it?
- Ah, no.
I better not.
I have got to get up
early and look at carpets.
Oh, I've got to go
give some nuts to Anna.
Oh, hi Rach.
Food's nice.
Oh, fank you.
Yeah, I was going to
try some of these dips,
but you've run out of
them little carrot sticks.
Oh well, don't
worry about that.
Use your fingie.
No, thanks though.
Don't be shy.
No really.
Come on.
I don't really like humus.
But I made it
all on my own-some.
I'm allergic to lentils.
It's not made with lentils.
It's made with chickpeas.
- I meant chickpeas.
- Eat it, Peter.
I'll try some.
Mm, yes, delicious.
Told you.
Fank you, Ollie.
What was all that about?
Rachel sticks her finger
up Jake's bum during sex.
Shall we go?
COLIN KING: Oh, poor Ollie.
he's going to need a
stiff drink after that.
TERRY MCILROY: Well, he did.
And they had quite
a night of it.
COLIN KING: Yeah, they were
refused entry to a nightclub
so they ended up drinking
till 3:00 in the morning
in a Turkish restaurant.
not a girl in sight.
Classic Pete.
And if we take a quick
look at the restaurant's
pricing policy for beer--
COLIN KING: Oh, that's
quite a mark up.
and supply, Colin.
managing to look
quite sprightly this morning.
damage will be all internal.
Where's your rucksack?
[pete groans]
PETE: Bullock.
Pete, my new
trainers are in there.
They're a birthday
present from Mexico.
COLIN KING: Pete's still
getting a bit thrown
by Ollie's girlfriend's name.
Even though Ollie's been going
out with her for quite a while,
she changed her name when she
went to the fashion industry.
Mexico, of course, formerly
Susan Bates of Penge.
You must have left them
in that Turkish restaurant.
Oh, I must have
left them, must I?
Come on.
Let's go see if they're there.
COLIN KING: Well, Pete
doesn't seen keen.
TERRY MCILROY: Well, he was
so cross about the price
of the beer that he took
matters into his own hands.
As they were leaving
the restaurant,
Pete decided to nick the
laminated board with the photos
of the males on offer.
a bit petty, Terry.
time, it seemed like justice.
COLIN KING: Well, might be
worth hearing a bit more
about these elusive trainers.
TERRY MCILROY: Aye, they're the
most [inaudible] this season.
Bet like perms used to be.
COLIN KING: I think that
was just footballers, Terry.
My friend here has
something for you.
Ah, hello.
We were here last
night, and I got home,
and somehow ended up with this.
I really hope it wasn't too
confusing to your customers.
I mean, I wouldn't
recognize a [inaudible]
unless I saw a picture of it.
photography, by the way.
Spot on.
Oh, you haven't seen
my rucksack, have you?
No rucksack here, no.
Ah, come on.
You've got your
kabob poster back.
I think what my
friend means is
if it's not too much
trouble, perhaps you
can have another quick look?
I already told you,
no rucksack here.
OK, I see.
Perhaps this will
refresh your memory.
75 pence.
75 pence?
It's a fortune
to these people.
Well, go on then.
Have a look.
I'm telling you for the
last time, no rucksack here.
And I'm telling you
we can't think where
else we might have left it.
There they are.
There's your trainers.
Ah, come on.
Get them off, love.
These are my mama's trainers.
Oh, don't be stupid.
Come on.
Hand them over.
Shut up.
Oh, actually on
second thought,
I think we'd better make a move.
Shut up.
Look, I definitely need
those trainers, mate.
You're going to have
to get me a new pair.
Don't worry, I'll
give you the money.
Who said anything about
you paying for them?
Well you're hardly
going to cough up for me.
What's that supposed to mean?
No, you can put
that away as well.
I think I can scrabble
together enough pennies
to buy a pair of [inaudible],,
thank you very much.
How much are they?
200 quid.
200 quid?
That's fine.
COLIN KING: Oh, he talked
himself into that one, Terry.
A bit silly really when you
consider his last paid job
was writing the program
notes for Leyton Orient.
TERRY MCILROY: That's right,
he falsified an interview
with Mike Lawrence ranking
in order of preference
the players Mike most
enjoyed rubbing down.
COLIN KING: Which lead to
some unfortunate chants
from the OA fans.
But he's not exactly snapped
into action, has he Terry?
TERRY MCILROY: No, but he's
got the best part of all week
to a part.
Here he is watching this
fascinating first division
COLIN KING: Yes, he looks
a very happy man there.
He's got his pint of strong
lager, his packet of crisps.
But oh no, here's Anna.
that's a mistake.
He's not going to get away with
pretending he's not seen her.
COLIN KING: Well, let's have
a look at some Anna stats.
No phobias, so quite fearless.
Although occasionally has
nightmares that she's gained
Oh, here she comes, Terry.
I thought it was you.
Oh, hello Anna.
What are you doing here?
Oh, I'm just around
the corner with Rob.
Didn't you see me at the bar?
Are you sure?
Because I saw you.
Well you were staring
directly at me,
and I thought you were
going to say something.
And then you just turned away.
Eyes, my eyes.
I really need some glasses.
Well you seem to be
watching the telly OK.
Well I need them
for distances.
That is distance.
Well the truth is I was
actually just miles away.
Then what was all that
eyesight stuff about?
I don't know.
I think I was probably
just embarrassed
about being miles away.
Why would that
be embarrassing?
Unless you were
lying, and you just
didn't want to say hello to me.
[pete scoffs]
COLIN KING: Pete's painted
himself into a corner
on this one.
got his excuses completely
the wrong way around.
If he'd of opened
with I was miles away,
the whole incident
could have been
brushed over in a
matter of seconds
and he'd be back
at the football.
COLIN KING: Well, he didn't.
So let's see what he's got
in his locker Oh my word,
he's pretending to cry.
Absolutely astonishing.
Pete, what's wrong?
It's probably just best if
you leave me alone, all right?
I can't leave you like this.
Come and join us.
No, I think I'll just stay
here and watch the football.
- No, you're coming with me.
- But the football.
No, come on.
What is it, Pete?
Yeah, come on, Pete.
You're watering your beer down.
What was the score, by the way?
That's not important, Rob.
[crowd noise in background]
Now come on, Pete.
Tell us what it is.
You'll feel much better.
No, no, no, I'd
really rather not.
going on, Terry?
Why doesn't he just
make something up?
mind's frozen, Colin.
He can't think of
anything, nothing at all.
And as we know from
bitter experience,
Pete doesn't cope
well with pressure.
COLIN KING: Well it looks
like he's got something.
Yeah, and he's
going to go with it.
Pete, tell us.
What is it?
It's Jake.
When him and Rachel
are having sex, she--
she keeps on sticking
her finger up his bum.
And that's what's upset you?
He doesn't like it.
That's not so bad, is it?
We thought something
terrible had happened to you.
No, you're right.
It's not that bad, is it?
Do you know what?
I might just go and watch
the rest of the football.
In fact, I might just--
Rachel, you little minx.
Fancy you sticking your
finger up Jake's bum.
I think I might go and
catch the result at home.
OK, bye.
COLIN KING: Well Terry,
now might be a good time
to bring in TV presenter
and sex expert Tracey Cox
and ask the question, Tracey,
what exactly is the appeal
of the finger up the bum?
Well physically,
finger up the rectum
stimulates the prostate
gland, which causes pleasure.
But of course
psychologically, it
also excites because
it's all about a notion
of danger and taboo.
thank you Tracey.
Fascinating stuff.
Doesn't look like Pete's getting
is five a day there Terry.
say I think a lot of nonsense
gets talked about so-called
nutrition these days.
[doorbell rings]
COLIN KING: Surely all the
clubs you played for had
nutritionists even back then.
although we called it bourbon.
COLIN KING: Nice one, Terry.
Oh, hello Jake.
Why did you tell her?
I couldn't think of
anything else to say.
Well you know when your
mind just goes blank?
I suppose you
wouldn't, would you?
Well thanks to you,
she's going to dump me now.
What, just for that?
What's the problem?
I thought didn't like the
old finger up the bum.
There was a lot
more to a relationship
than just a finger up a bum, OK?
Anyway, I kind of miss it now.
Oh, so you did like it?
But she did, and that's what
relationships are about, Peter.
Respecting your partner's needs.
If it may, no one needs
to stick their finger
up another person's bum.
Look, I'm sorry, all right?
Just leave it to me.
I'll sort it out.
I'll go over and see her.
No, just keep away
from her, all right?
You've done enough
damage already.
How's it?
What's going on?
Pete's been gossiping
about intimate aspects
of my relationship
with my girlfriend.
And as a result,
she's dumped me.
Oh,so you're the
finger up the bum guy.
he's gone to Rachel's.
Surely another mistake.
I'm really sorry.
And if I could turn
back the clock,
I would never have blurted out
that you stick your finger up--
you know what?
There's no need to
say it, is there?
Jake's bum.
I can't believe he told you.
Yeah, I know.
It was really indiscreet.
But look, don't pin it
all on Jake, because I'm
partly to blame as well.
Yes, I know you are.
Well, you apologized.
You can go now.
Look, I didn't only
come to apologize.
I'd really like to help patch
things up between you two.
That's not going to happen.
Yeah, that's what he said.
Did he?
You've spoken to Jake?
I mean, he told
me not to bother.
But like personally, I
really think that you've got
something worth fighting for.
God, he really is a shit.
Do you want a drink?
Oh, yes please.
COLIN KING: Now that should
have been his cue to go.
but he's always
had a problem turning
down free alcohol, Colin.
Jake is a twat, isn't he?
He's such a sanctimonious twat.
It was just everything
he does is just so good.
Oh, what a tosser.
It was just such hard work
trying to keep up with him.
Yeah, I know.
It's like oh, look at me.
I'm so many with
my big bushy beard.
[rachel laughing]
You are so funny.
You've really cheered me up.
[music in background]
Oh, always a pleasure.
Never a chore.
No thanks.
I'm single.
You're single.
We're both lonely.
What's the harm?
Oh well, I mean, if you
put it like that, yeah.
COLIN KING: Surely no good
can come of this, Terry.
TERRY MCILROY: No way, Colin.
COLIN KING: Well the tongues
are well and truly in.
And there goes the hand.
I'll stick it up your jumper.
COLIN KING: I'm not sure, but I
think he's just undone her bra.
we take a look at this
with the audio isolated.
Yeah, there it is.
That's right, Colin.
In old money, that's
upstairs inside.
COLIN KING: Well a funny way
to patch up our relationship,
I must say.
- Come on.
You want it as much as I do.
- Yeah.
You're right.
COLIN KING: Oh, that's
a schoolboy error.
And what seemed like a good idea
after four bottles of vodka,
now looking like
a flawed decision.
I'll just go and
put the kettle on.
Back in a secky weck.
COLIN KING: Oh, looks like
the sexually voracious Sienna
Miller character of last night
has reverted to Julie Andrews,
albeit with a hangover.
And Pete using this opportunity
to make good his escape.
all been there.
Personally, I always nip out
while they're still asleep.
What a gent.
Now I don't want you to get
all sort of cross with me,
but you do understand last
night was just a one off?
Oh yeah.
No, it had one-nighter
written all over it.
Oh good, because I really
think I can make a go of it
with Jake.
Then my work here is done.
It's quite relaxing,
sex, isn't it?
Blimey, did you do that?
I don't remember.
To be honest, I'm not feeling
particularly proud of myself
this morning.
- No, me neither.
I'm feeling pretty disgusted
with myself as well.
Well, what was I thinking?
Last night was
lovely, wasn't it?
Thank you.
Well, yeah.
Fank you.
OK, I'll see you around.
Oh, by the way.
Last night was great.
And don't take
this the wrong way,
but how comes I didn't
get the finger up the bum?
Well, we all know you do it.
And last night was
perfectly nice.
But how come I didn't get
the finger up the bum?
Oh I see.
Would you like it now?
- What?
Would you like a
finger up your bum now?
Well not if
you're in that mood.
well-intentioned fiasco there.
But Pete now finally on
the hunt for those trainers
in a rather strange outfit and
looking a bit perturbed, Terry.
took the rather bold decision
to nick the trainers, Colin.
COLIN KING: Goodness me.
This is of a very
different magnitude
from the laminated
photographs of Turkish food.
How is he rationalizing this?
TERRY MCILROY: By promising to
donate 35 quid to a charity.
And that's the amount he thinks
a pair of trainers should cost.
COLIN KING: So using
that warped logic,
he now sees himself
as the good guy?
TERRY MCILROY: Exactly, Colin.
see how he gets on.
- Yes?
- Oh, hello.
I'd like to look at
the Rakis, please.
The Riakis?
- Yeah.
- Are you sure?
Because he's
wearing the Riakis,
but if you buy the shoes, you're
not going to look like that.
I know.
He's got those stupid
trousers on as well.
These shoes, they're
a lot of money.
Well can I have a look
at them anyway, please?
What size?
Oh, size 8.
You look more like a 10 to me.
I think you're a 10.
- No, I'm
A size 8.
Would you like me
to measure your feet?
Have you ever heard the phrase
the customer is always right?
No, I'm from Paris.
Just go get the shoes, please.
COLIN KING: Well that was
a wrinkle he didn't expect.
TERRY MCILROY: Aye, but the
snooty attitude of that shop
assistant has only made
him more determined to nick
those trainers.
COLIN KING: It doesn't look
like he gave a lot of thought
to his socks before he
embarked on this caper.
Here we are.
Thank you.
Please, be careful
not to damage them.
Oh, a bit flimsy, are they?
Because they were knocked
up in some sweat shop
by a group of six-year-olds?
Right, yeah they're
actually very good.
Very nice.
Very comfy.
They're clearly too small.
You're ruining them.
No, no, I like a snug trainer.
I'll take them.
- OK.
COLIN KING: Looks to me
like he's had an idea.
Let's get these
paid for, shall we?
up to something.
TERRY MCILROY: Yeah, if we
take a look at his vital signs,
these are the sort of
figures you'd expect to see
on an astronaut during takeoff.
COLIN KING: So what's
he going to do?
Oh, I didn't know Sex and the
City was on this time of day.
Wanky shop.
[music playing]
COLIN KING: And they're off.
Well, they look pretty
evenly matched, Terry.
handicapped by having shoes
two sizes too small,
but Frenchmen equally
hampered by his stupid shoes.
Let's have a closer
look at those.
COLIN KING: Looks like
something Lady Gaga might wear.
Yeah, and the less
said about his colleagues
trousers, the better.
COLIN KING: Oh, looks like
Pete's dropped something,
but he hasn't noticed.
That's his little notebook.
Contains ideas on future
articles in sports,
plus his own design for
a car of the future.
That vision now sadly lost.
So Terry, Pete's rummaging
around in a large bin.
TERRY MCILROY: He's realized
if he's to present the stolen
trainers to Ollie
this evening as new,
they're going to need a box.
Now this is the wee bin
used by the snooty shop.
But he's going to have to
be very careful that he's
not caught here, Colin.
I thought it was you.
Oh, Mr. Spencer.
Sorry, I thought I was
going to get caught.
COLIN KING: Yes, Mr. Spencer.
Pete's old English teacher
from Gaston High in Watford.
Very well-liked.
TERRY MCILROY: Yeah, in sharp
contrast to Mr. Small, the math
teacher, who was
unable to gain the kids
respect because he wore a wig.
COLIN KING: Fooling no one.
- So how are things going?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Really well, really well.
I'm a sports journalist now.
Well, on and off.
Are you working on
anything at the moment?
No, not at this exact moment.
But a few irons in the fire.
Why are you in a bin?
I'm just trying to find a
cardboard box for tonight.
Actually Pete, I
volunteer at a hostel.
Oh, no, no, I'm not a tramp.
No, I really am a sports writer.
In fact, I've got one
of those ideas books
that you told us
about in English.
Hang on, it's here somewhere.
I might have dropped it
when I was running away.
If you won't go to the
hostel, at least take this.
No, I don't need your money.
Spend it on food.
No, Mr. Spencer, I
really am a sports writer.
I used to write the program
notes for Leyton Orient
until I got fired.
Oh, brilliant.
after Mexico's party,
and he's looking quite
pleased with himself, Terry.
TERRY MCILROY: Oh that's right.
Earlier on he gave Ollie
the replacement trainers,
and it seemed to
go off rather well.
COLIN KING: Let's take a look.
Oh, brilliant.
When your old mate Pete says
he's going to get something
done, he gets it done.
- Oh, this is great.
I can wear them
to Mexico's party.
COLIN KING: There it is again.
Mexico's a girl, not a country.
But I can't let
you pay for them.
Oy, stop that.
It's the least I
can do, all right?
You've got me out of
enough scrapes in the past.
It's on me, all right?
Well, at least let's split it.
Well, if it'll make
you feel better, OK.
I'll get my wallet.
It's 100 quid.
COLIN KING: No wonder
he's in a good mood.
All set for a night of
fun at Mexico's party
at [inaudible] town.
Hello, Ollie.
Hello, Mexico.
It's pronounced Mexico.
Oh yeah, I'm sorry Susan.
I'll get the drinks in then.
Oh, I should mention
they don't serve alcohol.
Which I think is
a really good thing.
Alcohol is one of the greatest
poisons Western society
ever produced.
- Yeah, exactly, exactly.
Who's up for fruit juice then?
Bloody hell.
COLIN KING: Get ready to rumble.
Have we met?
Of course we've met.
When you stole my
shoes from my shop.
- What?
- Where are they?
You've got the shoes on.
What are you talking about?
He came into my shop
and stole those trainers.
Now you be very careful
what you're saying, young man.
Because in this
country, that's slander.
You stole my shoes.
I certainly did not.
In fact, Mexico, didn't
you buy those trainers
for Ollie's birthday?
- That's right, isn't it Ollie?
- Yeah.
I think this
aggressive attitude
you've bought in with you
is completely inappropriate.
Yeah, we're just
trying to relax
with a few glasses of fruit
juice and some ambient music,
- You stole those shoes.
Then how do you explain this?
It's the receipt.
I don't understand it.
I was sure it was you.
Look, we all make mistakes.
Listen, it might be all
right to go around making
wild accusations in
your country, France,
but we live in a democracy, OK?
COLIN KING: He's got
away with it, Terry.
- Hi guys.
Lovely to see you.
Hi, Jake.
[kissing sounds]
Isn't this place fantastic?
Finally, a bar that
doesn't serve alcohol.
You seem in a better mood.
You over your split with Rachel?
- Very much so.
Oh good, because
quite frankly mate,
I think she's a bit of a knob.
I mean, those teddy bears
all over her bedroom.
It's like she's 12.
How do you know
what's in her bedroom?
Oh, well, I hope you don't
mind, but me and Rachel,
we actually had a bit
of a bunk up last night.
- A bunk up?
- Yeah.
It was you.
You dropped this while
you were running.
This is yours, isn't it?
Cricket, why the
bat must be smaller.
You've told me the
idea before, Peter.
Look, hundreds
of sports writers
must have had the same idea.
Let me see this.
Ollie's girlfriends.
[inaudible],, Angelique,
Tonya, Colleen.
That's quite a list, Ollie.
Oh, and Pete, you've made
little comments after them.
Mexico, OK I definitely would.
Why have you made a
list of all my partners?
It's because
you've got so many.
Sometimes it's hard to remember.
And so this is to avoid
an embarrassing situation.
The trainers.
What, you want?
Unless you want me
to call the police.
Sorry, Ollie.
Come on.
I'm having your trainers.
Thank you.
So you lost my trainers and
he stole you another pair?
Yeah, but no, he--
Can you believe her?
I mean, she's almost
as bad as Rachel.
By the way, you are so much
better off without that.
Seriously, mate.
She's really mental.
The reason I'm
over my breakup up,
Pete, is because
we're back together.
What have you said?
Look, if it's any
consolation, she didn't
stick her finger up my bum.
I really didn't want
to have to do that.
those ambient people
looking very put out.
And if this was any
other kind of nightclub,
I would say it could turn nasty.
Yeah, lucky for Pete
they've had nothing
stronger to drink
than a wheat-grass smoothie.
COLIN KING: Well, Pete perhaps
getting his just desserts.
TERRY MCILROY: It's difficult
to see Oxfam getting
that 35 quid now though.
Oh, look at Mr. Spencer.
What happened to your shoes?
I'm not drunk, I was just--
I had to give them to a mate.
I'm almost finished here.
What about I drop
you at a hostel?
COLIN KING: Well he hasn't even
got enough money for the night
bus, and zone four is an awful
long way to walk in your socks.
Yeah, all right.
Thank you.
This is Derek.
He'll show you the
ropes at the hostel.
TERRY MCILROY: It looks like
Pete might be getting a finger
up the bum after all, Colin.
COLIN KING: Thank you, Terry.
Your highlights tonight?
Well, I think it's
got to be the moment when
Pete was nicking the trainers
and he shouted wanky shop.
bit of an unfortunate
choice from Terry there, thank
you for your contributions.
Thank you for watching,
and join us again next time
when Pete takes on life.
[music playing]