Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 8, Episode 4 - The Baby Quiz - full transcript

Balki and Mary Anne sign up Larry and Jennifer to be on the game show 'The Baby Quiz'. But Larry, desperate to win as always, tries to cheat.

[theme music]

♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪

♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪

♪ Sometimes you just
get a feeling ♪

♪ Like you need some
kind of change ♪

♪ No matter what the odds
are this time ♪

♪ Nothing’s gonna
stand in my way ♪

♪ This flame in my heart ♪

♪ And a long lost friend ♪

♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪

♪ Standing tall ♪



♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

♪ Rise and fall ♪

♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

♪ The rain and thunder
the wind and haze ♪

♪ I’m bound for better days ♪

♪ Ooh oh ooh ♪

♪ It’s my life and my dream ♪

♪ And nothing’s going
to stop me now ♪

[theme music]

Mary Anne! Mary Anne!
He’s almost here!

The mailman’s almost here!

He’s only three doors away
and he’s got

the letters that
we’ve been waiting for!

‐Oh! Oh!
‐Oh!



(Larry)
’Oh, hey, hey! Oh.’

What’s Balki so excited about?

Is it some, uh,
Myposian holiday?

Did Mud Day sneak
up on us again?

Mud Day is not until next week

but if I were you two,
I’d be getting my hats ready!

’Oh!’

Well, uh, mail call.

Why, look at this, Mary Anne.

You and I got a letter from
"The Baby Quiz" television show.

‐Oh!
‐And...

Look, Jennifer and Cousin Larry
got a letter from them, too.

What a completely
unplanned coincidence!

Well, what would some stupid
game show want with us?

Well, how would we know?
Why are you staring at us?

Why are you boring holes
through us

with your accusing,
questioning eyes?

What, what makes you
think we know?

We, we don’t have a clue.
Do we have a clue?

‐Clueless! Clueless!
‐Clueless! Absolutely clueless!

And we don’t appreciate
the insinuation.

Well, something tells me
you’re behind this, Balki.

[sniggers]

Whatever... What‐what‐whatever
would you say that for, cousin?

Well, the address says "Jennifer
and Cousin Larry Appleton."

Well, I guess you caught
us with our pants on.

Um, when Mary Anne and I found
out that "The Baby Quiz" show

was looking for new contestants

we thought it would be
wild, wacky, whimsical fun

for both families to be on
at the same time.

So, after filling out 800
of our own applications...

...we quickly scribbled
out one for you.

Open yours first.
The suspense is killing me!

‐We were accepted!
‐Hot doggy!

Now we all can be on together!

No, we won’t.

We were rejected.

Oh, Balki!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Now there, there, my little
cement mixer. Don’t be sad.

Now, listen.

Just because we filled out
Cousin Larry and Jennifer’s

winning application and, and
had 800 of our own rejected

that’s no reason
to be upset.

Right?

We are very...

...ha‐ha‐happy for you.

[sobbing]

Well, thank you, Balki,
but, uh

I‐I don’t think we’ll be going
on "The Baby Quiz" show.

I am not about to let my wife

and unborn child be exploited
just so that we can win

a year’s supply of baby wipes.

Larry, I think it would be fun.

No! No, no!

My mind is absolutely made up.

Balki, why, why don’t
you take this letter

and try to go on in our place?

Cousin...

I am so touched.

It is so generous of you
to give up your chance

to win your child
a college scholarship.

College scholarship?

To the school of your choice.

Well, you know, it does
have our name on it

and we don’t want to, uh

deceive those nice
game show people.

So I guess, uh, we will be
going on "The Baby Quiz" show.

I don’t want to do this.
Why do we have to do this?

Come on, Larry.
It’ll make ’em happy,

Hello, everybody!

Let’s give a big
"Baby Quiz" welcome

to our host, Lance Edwards!

It’s really Balki.

["The Baby Quiz" theme music]

Thank you.

He’s wearing my suit.

And welcome to "The Baby Quiz".

The show that poses
the age‐old question

"Hey, you’re havin’
a baby and now what?"

[guffaws]

Alright, I’m Lance Edwards

and this is my lovely
"Baby Quiz" co‐hostess, Tyanna.

‐Kootchie‐kootchie‐koo.
‐Kootchie‐kootchie‐koo.

‐Mwah!
‐Mwah!

Oh!

Alright, Tyanna, let’s meet
our first contestants.

Please welcome
Larry and Jennifer Appleton

from Chicago, Illinois.

Jennifer is eight
months pregnant

and hasn’t seen
her feet since February!

’Thank you, Tyanna.’

As you know, this is how
"The Baby Quiz" works.

We’ll ask you questions
about your pregnancy

while your spouse is secured
in our soundproof booth.

’Tyanna?’

Later on, we’ll reunite you

and we’ll see how
your answers compare.

The couple with the most matches
wins. Isn’t that something?

Tell them what they’ll win,
Johnny!

A trip to Mexico!

Our winning couple will
fiesta and frolic

at the fabulous
Corona del Corona Hideaway!

They’ll swim
in crystal tide pools

and enjoy sumptuous meals
at the Cafeteria Corona.

’All prizes non‐transferable,
subject to availability.’

Holidays and weekends excluded
and it’s all for you

from "The Baby Quiz!"

Back to you, Lance!
Thank you, Johnny.

Oh, no, thank you, Lance!

[giggles]
Wow!

Alright, round one.

Each question’s
worth ten points.

Tyanna, has Cousin
Larry Appleton

been secured in the special
soundproof booth?

[laughs]

All secured!

Alright!

Jennifer, we’ll start with you.

’Jennifer, you’re lovely.’

I love the crazy little
flip in your hair.

You and I had chatted backstage

and you’d mentioned that,
uh, this has been

a particularly difficult
pregnancy for you.

Is that right?

And that you’ve been
under a lot of stress

and you’ve developed kind
of a quirky little nervous tick.

Is that right?

Come on, let’s see it.

’Let’s see your little
nervous tick.’

’There it is and it’s adorable!’

Well, you’ll be happy
to know the first question

has nothing to do with your
crazy, quirky little tick.

Jennifer...since
you’ve been pregnant

which part of your
body hurts the most?

Is it your upper half...
or your lower half?

It’s my lower half.
I get terrible leg cramps.

Alright, let’s bring back
Cousin Larry Appleton

and see how well he knows
the mother of his child.

[laughs]

Alright!

Alright, Cousin Larry Appleton,
it’s good to have you back.

Your wife is lovely.

And you and I were chatting
backstage earlier.

And you mentioned to me that
one of your greatest fears...

...is that your unborn
child might inherit

your short, stubby legs
and your hammer toes.

Your hammer toes. Father
had them, they’re no fun.

’You’ll be happy to know...’

’...your first question...’

[laughs]

Alright!

Your first question,
we asked Jennifer

"Jennifer, since
you’ve been pregnant

"which part of your
body hurts the most?

Is it your upper half
or your lower half?"

Easy question.

She has constant headaches
and a stiff neck.

Definitely upper half.

Ooh! I’m sorry!

No, she said that
she had leg cramps.

That’d be lower half.

Larry, I get leg
cramps every night.

Where have you been
the last 32 weeks?

Do we know each other?
Have we met?

Hey, th‐that’s just
the first question.

Th‐the next question’s probably
going to be something about

food cravings and‐and
I happen to know

you have a thing
for ice cream.

‐Pop tarts.
‐Pop tarts, I knew that.

[upbeat music]

Larry, this is making
me nervous.

We played this game with Balki
for two hours yesterday

and didn’t get
a single answer right.

We’re gonna make fools
of ourselves on television.

We are not going to make fools
of ourselves on television.

Look, if we just answer
the questions

the way we practiced
this morning

everything will be fine.

What if they don’t
ask those questions?

I have a hunch they will.

Hey, hey, hey!
Here’s my lucky contestants!

How are you? Ha, ha, ha.

Oh‐oh! Who’s got a bun
in the oven, huh?

[laughs]

Alright.

I‐I‐I guess that would be us.

Uh, Larry and Jennifer Appleton.

Well, nice to meet you,
Appletons.

[laughs]

Mary Anne, it’s‐it’s him!

It’s Lance Edwards!

And you must be my other
lucky contestants.

No. We applied, but we were
unfortunately overlooked.

Eight hundred times.

But we have front row tickets!

Lance, I’m sorry. I just cannot
keep it to myself any longer.

You are my favorite
game show host!

Uh, Lance,
we have a problem.

Yeah, don’t worry,
I can handle him.

No, no, uh, the other game show
contestants went into labor.

They’re on their way
to the hospital.

Ooh, well, that’s too bad.

I guess that means,
uh, we win by default.

Uh no, no. Actually,
that happens all the time.

We’ll just, uh, pick another
couple from our studio audience.

‐Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
‐Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Alright. Here’s kind
of a kooky thought.

How about you two?

Oh, Lance!
That’s a dream come true!

‐Lance, capture the moment.
‐Oh, sure.

‐You got to advance it.
‐Oh, alright!

[instrumental music]

Alright, everybody!
It’s time to play...

‐The Baby Quiz!
‐The Baby Quiz!

So daddies, if you’ll follow
our hostess, the lovely Tyanna

to our soundproof booth

we’re going to ask your wives
a series of questions

and then bring you back out
to see how your answers compare.

[both laugh]

‐Alright!
‐Alright!

Alright. Jen, we’re prepared,
we’re gonna be great, right?

Right.

[upbeat music]

Tyanna. I’ve always
wanted to meet you.

I read your book.

And I thought
your layman’s slant

on the Middle East
was mesmerizing.

I especially liked
that chapter called

"There’s No Such Thing
as Too Much Moisturizer."

You have no pores
in your skin, do you?

Hey, cousin,
can you believe it?

We got inside the booth!

It’s kind of like
a big fish tank, isn’t it?

Alright. Let’s begin
"The Baby Quiz."

I hope they could get
a good shot of this

on the special booth camera.

Special booth camera?

Yeah, it’s a special camera

and they have it
focused on the booth.

It’s called
"The Special Booth Camera."

’Cause they love to get

shots of the daddies making
fools of themselves.

Well, they are not going
to get any shots of you

or me making fools
of ourselves, alright?

So let’s just,
let’s just, keep quiet.

Why we have to keep quiet?
It’s a soundproof booth.

Nobody can hear us.

Let’s see if it works.

Mary Anne!

Ladies, how much weight
have you gained

so far during your pregnancy?

Cousin, it really does work!

Well, I’ll be my uncle’s monkey!

We can say anything you want!

Mary Anne!

Okay, alright, that’s enough.

That’s enough, alright?

Let’s just, let’s just
keep quiet now. Okay?

Let’s just be quiet
and just behave ourselves.

Whoa!

Those lights are so bright

they hurting my eyes.

Studio lights
have to be bright...

Yeah, but they’re so bright,
I can’t even look anywhere.

Don’t stare into them.

‐Don’t stare into them.
‐What am I gonna look at?

‐Look at something else.
‐There’s nothing I can see.

Just look at something else.

I’m gonna look
at something else?

Look at something
else, you’ll be fine.

‐Alright.
‐Huh...

Cousin, you know
what the problem is?

Those lights draw me.

They draw me.
They are penetrating.

They fascinate me.
I cannot stop!

I know they’re frying
my retinas.

But I just cannot take my eyes
off them! I’m trying to be good.

I’m trying to look where
you told me to look.

But I cannot! I cannot!
Look at those lights!

Alright. Alright.
Okay. Okay.

Cousin, if I don’t
change places with you

I’m gonna go
out of my mind!

Alright, let’s switch places.

‐Let’s just switch places.
‐Alright, alright.

And just sit down and please

just try not to embarrass me.

Jennifer, what animal will your
husband say best describes you

during your pregnancy?

Animal describes you
during your pregnancy?

Why hide behind
a question, Lance?

Let’s face it,
I’m, I’m a whale.

Ooh!

What are you doing?

Well, I’m trying
to get comfortable.

This chair is like iron.

You sat in this for all
that time and you...

This is unbelievably
uncomfortable! It’s so hard!

It’s like, what is this? Is this
some kind of torture instrument?

And it looks just like
the chair I was just in.

That’s the interesting bit.

I mean... Any... With my...

If I lean...

Maybe if I just kind of lean...

Could I put my head
partially on, on you, maybe?

Alright, let’s switch places.

No, I don’t want
to switch places.

Let’s switch places.

No, I don’t want
to switch places.

I like my new place.

Because when I sit over there,
the light’s in my eyes.

‐Alright, fine.
‐I like my new place.

I don’t have any problem
with where I am.

‐Fine. Fine.
‐It’s the chair I want.

I have to have that chair
in order to be comfortable

because this chair is some kind
of iron maiden torture thing

and I don’t like it.

‐Impossible to get comfy.
‐No.

‐Well, I want that chair.
‐No.

‐Just give me the chair!
‐No.

Cousin, I want that chair!

I’m gonna go crazy
if I don’t get that chair!

Now get out of it!

Stop it! Stop it!
Put it back! Put it back!

Stop it! Stop it!

Listen to me!
Listen to me!

Cousin Larry is not
switching chairs!

Cousin Larry is not moving!

In fact, Cousin Larry
is just going to sit here

and pretend that he
doesn’t even know you!

Cousin.

I’m sorry, have we met?

Now, we’re moving on to
the third trimester round

where the points are doubled
and you can really fatten up...

...your score, that is!

[guffaws]

Alright.

Hey.

You have writing
on the bottom of your shoe.

Hmm?

You have writing
on the bottom of your shoe.

I know. No, I don’t.

Yes, you do.
Let me see that shoe!

Not this shoe. This one says,
"Little Man’s Footwear."

Sure, of course there’s writing
on the bottom of my shoe.

Because, because that’s, uh,
that’s, that’s, that’s, uh...

That’s, that’s
my Christmas list.

And, uh, and well, well
I can’t let you see it

because I, I don’t want
to spoil the surprise.

[chuckles]

[chuckling continues]

Ah‐ha!

Jennifer’s favorite
food is pop tarts!

So this is your
Christmas list, eh?

’Okay, think now, if your
husband were a tree’

’what kind of tree would he be?’

‐This is no Christmas list!
‐Ow!

These are the answers
to the game show!

You’ve been cheating!

‐Get up here!
‐Ow!

You know what? Cheating
is a revolting practice.

Balki, I couldn’t help it!

‐There’s the camera! The cam...
‐Camera! The camera.

[indistinct muttering]

Don’t you see? I had no choice!

When I couldn’t match answers
with Jennifer yesterday

I panicked!

So, so, I called "The Baby Quiz"

and I told them I was doing
a story on the show

and they sent me a 150
questions as research.

And I only did it so I could
win a scholarship for my child.

Cousin, I’m sorry, but
I cannot condone this cheating.

I’m gonna tell Lance.
I’m gonna stop the game.

‐Oh, you’re gonna tell Lance?
‐Yes, I’m gonna tell Lance.

You’re gonna turn me in!

I just hope you can live
with the consequences!

What consequences?

A child’s shattered dreams.

A child’s pain,
his sorrow, his agony!

Look, Balki! Look!

On that, on that college campus

you see happy students off to
their first day of class!

Oh, but, but there’s
one little boy

who, who just stands
and watches.

It’s Larry Junior!

And the other students
just point

and laugh as they
go on their way.

They’re, they’re playing
keep‐away with his dreams.

And he wants to go to class.

He wants to go but he can’t!

He can’t because his Uncle Balki

robbed him of his
college scholarship!

Oh, look, Balki, look! Look!

He’s, he’s,
he’s starting to cry.

Look...

His, his little tears dropping
into his empty notebook.

Look.

You see him, Balki?

Do you see him

crying out there?

Oh, God! My boy.

[sobbing]

Help him, help him!

You know what?

There’s nothing out there.

There’s just nothing out there.

You always point, I always look.

There’s nothing out there.

I’ve just realized this is
a sick game you’ve been

playing with Balki for six years
and I’m tired of it.

Just tired of it.

Now if you’ll excuse me,
I’ll be getting those

answers off the bottom
of your foot.

Since you became
pregnant, ladies

are you most comfortable
sleeping on your side...

[humming "Baby Quiz" theme song]

Larry, I’m glad Balki
turned you in. You deserved it.

Actually, Jennifer, I didn’t
have to turn Cousin Larry in.

The game show people saw
the writing on his feet

when we knocked the booth over

and they had to pry us out
with the jaws of life.

If you ask me,
those game show people

take their jobs
way too seriously.

Oh, I don’t know, Larry.

They did let Balki and me finish
the game with another couple.

And we did win that
college scholarship

for...little Robespierre
or Marge.

Come on, Mary Anne. Let’s get
something to eat. I’m hungry.

Good news, I hid some
cookies in the cupboard.

‐Found ’em.
‐Ice cream in the fridge?

‐Had it.
‐Pastrami in the pantry?

Ate it.

Well...

...Balki...I did it again.

And I reached
for the brass ring...

...wound up with a...bill
for a broken

Plexiglas sound‐proof booth.

Well, cousin, there’s
nothing wrong with wanting

a college education
for your child.

It’s just the lying, cheating

deceitful way
you went about it.

But anyway, I, I got them
to give you a parting gift

just as if you were
an honest contestant.

‐You got me a parting gift?
‐I surely did.

Well, that’s very nice of you.

What’d you get me?

Tell them, Johnny!

"The Baby Quiz Home Version!"

Now, Cousin Larry Appleton

can play "The Baby Quiz"
every night!

Back to you, Lance!
Thank you, Johnny.

Oh, no, thank you, Lance!

[laughs]

Alright!

[theme music]

That’d be lower half and again,
I mentioned you get no points.

Larry, I get leg cramps
every night.

Where have you been
the last 32 weeks?

Do we know each other?
Have we met?

Hey, this is j‐just
the first question.

And the next question
is probably going to be

something about
food cravings and, and

I happen to know you have
a thing for ice cream.

‐Pop tarts.
‐Pop tarts. I knew that.

’Johnny?’

We’ll be right back after
a message from our sponsors.

Ladies, unsightly varicose veins
got you down?

Try new flesh‐colored
Hidey Hose.

One size fits all.

Back to you, Lance.
Thank you, Johnny.

No problem, Lance.

[laughs]

Who am I? Alright.