Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 7, Episode 23 - It Had to Be You - full transcript

[theme song]

♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪

♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪

♪ Sometimes you just
get a feeling ♪

♪ Like you need
some kind of change ♪

♪ No matter what
the odds are this time ♪

♪ Nothing’s going to stand
in my way ♪

♪ This flame in my heart
like a long lost friend ♪

♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪

♪ Standing tall ♪

♪ On the wings of my dream ♪



♪ Rise and fall ♪

♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

♪ The rain and thunder
the wind and haze ♪

♪ I’m bound for better days ♪
♪ Haa ♪

♪ It’s my life and my dream ♪

♪ Nothing’s going
to stop me now ♪

[instrumental music]

[telephone ringing]

Hello!

Yeah, yeah, Tina, Hi!

Yeah. No, Balki’s
not here right now.

Can I take your number?

Uh‐huh.

Okay, well,
you know, I really have



no idea
if he is free on Tuesday.

Oh, your second date!

Well, you are a lucky,
lucky girl!

Uh‐huh.

Okay, bye‐bye.

Larry, dating
all these women at once is

is sending Balki down a‐a
terrible and‐and lonely road.

I‐I think that deep down,
he’s miserable.

Okay, you lost me.

Balki has had twenty dates

in the last two weeks.

You call that misery?

Balki is trying to fill
the void left by Mary Anne.

He’s never gonna be happy
until they get back together.

Alright, alright, uh‐Jen,
I‐I‐I know that

Mary Anne is your dearest friend

but Balki has moved on.

[chuckling]
He is now living

every bachelor’s dream.

Trust me,
he is very, very happy.

Well, thank you, thank you
very much for driving.

Well, aren’t ya gonna invite me
in for a nightcap?

Well, I would but I don’t think

any of my nightcaps
would fit you.

‐Uh! Oh!
‐Goodnight. Oh!

Watch your fingers,
watch your fingers, fingers.

Well, here’s the happy bachelor!

[laughing]

So, Balki...

...did you have fun
on your date with Heather?

She owns her own trampoline.

Need I say more?

See? Huh?

And what about last night, uh

did you have fun with Kimberley?

Ooh, Kimberley. Yeah.

Yeah. What a woman.

What a wonderful woman

and what a special
evening we had.

We went to a magic show

and, uh, she was picked out
of the audience

to be a contestant.

They put her in a box

and I still don’t know
where she is.

Oh, yeah, Jen,
he is real miserable.

Yeah, life don’t get
much better than this.

No‐o‐o, sir!

[laughs]

No way!

[laughing continues]

So you really are happy?

[crying]
Oh, God! Jennifer!

You can see through me
like an empty aquarium.

I feel like I’m sitting
on the dock at the bay...

...wasting time.

[crying]

Alright, maybe "Happy"
isn’t exactly the right word.

Larry, you have to go
talk to him.

He’s feeling empty

and‐a‐and shallow
and he’s quoting song lyrics

because he misses Mary Anne.

Alright, alight,
I’ll talk to him

but this has nothing
to do with Mary Anne.

‐Yes, it does.
‐N‐no, he just...

He just needs
to slow down his dating habits.

He’s confused
because he’s dating

too many women at a time.

I experienced the same thing
when I was in college.

Well, I read about the same
thing when I was in college.

An‐an‐anyway,
I will straighten him out.

[crying]

Balki, Balki, Balki,
come on, come on.

Now let me,
l‐let me get this straight.

You’re...you’re dating

all these gorgeous women

sometimes two, three a day.

Yeah.

You’re not happy?

I‐I know that you told me

the American bachelor’s dream

was to juggle
three women at the same time...

I tried it and I almost

dislocated my shoulder.

[groaning]

Alright, Balki, listen, listen.

I‐I‐I’m gonna give you
a‐a slight adjustment

to some of the advice
I gave you earlier.

Well, cousin,
your exact words were

"Balki, you got to date
until your head caves in

"and then remember
every little detail

so you can tell me
about it later."

Balki, I‐I think
you gotta slow down.

You know, get to know
the women that you date.

You know,
find out who they are

w‐w‐what they’re like.

Learn to listen to their

inane little stories.

(Larry)
’I talked to Balki, he’s happy.
End of conversation.’

Larry, he’s not happy!

I’m sure he still
loves Mary Anne

and Mary Anne still loves him.

[sighs]
Well, I think
he’s over Mary Anne.

I’m glad you’re both here,
I have some wonderful news

to share with you.

I’ve met her!
The girl of my dreams!

And I owe it all to this
big Cucamonga over here!

Cousin Larry!

Hey, we’re all gonna go out
to dinner tonight to celebrate!

‐Really?
‐Well, Balki.

Congratulations!
Where’d you meet her?

On the carousel in the park,
about an hour ago.

I‐I think she was swayed
by the fact that

uh, my shirt
wasn’t tucked into my underwear.

Balki, before you decide
she’s the girl for you

don’t you think you should spend
a little more time with her?

Oh, sometimes,
you know, love just

hits you in the stomach
and makes you nauseous.

And this girl...makes me sick.

She’s in the kitchen right now,
I’d like to bring her out

and introduce you to her.

Well, there goes one happy man!

He’s met a girl

he’s moving on with his life

and he owes it all to me.

I don’t buy it, Larry.
He still loves Mary Anne.

Oh, Jen‐Jennifer,
I know how you feel

but Mary Anne
is in his deep past.

He is over Mary Anne
for good.

Cousin Larry?

Honey, this is Cousin Larry

and his wife, Jennifer.

Pleased to meet you.

Cousin Larry, are you a friend

of Balki’s or are you related?

Is she one of a kind or what?

Balki, you said
that before dinner

we could race our jackets
down the laundry chute.

Last one up the stairs
is a rotten eggbeater!

And we owe this all to you!

[instrumental music]

Honey, I think you’re really
gonna like this restaurant.

The food is excellent,
the service is great

and the bread sticks
are just small enough

to stick up your nose.

Good evening.

May I help you?

Yes, uh,
Bartokomous, party of four.

The other two
are in the parking lot.

My Cousin is negotiating
with the parking attendant.

Jennifer,
for the last time I admit

I was wrong about Balki.

Larry, it doesn’t matter
who’s right or wrong.

What’s important
is what we do about it.

Got any ideas?

Not a one.

But I did just save us
a buck on parking!

Oh, here we are.

‐Excuse us.
‐Oh.

Uh‐uh, uh, move, uh, move.

[laughing]

Okay, okay, fine.

Hi. We have reservations...

[gasps]
Look who just walked in!

Oh, oh, alright,
alright, don’t panic.

I, I’ll, I’ll take care of this.

Uh, Balki, uh

I think you should know

an old friend of yours is here.

Ah! Well, of course.

Mary Anne.

How long is the wait?

Mary Anne. Mary Anne.

Hi, Balki.

Hi, Mary Anne.

Um...how are you?

Fine.

‐You look great.
‐Thank you, you look great too!

You look just great.

‐Are you happy?
‐Yeah, I’m happy!

‐Are you happy?
‐Oh, couldn’t be happier!

Well, I’m happy
to hear you’re happy.

Honey, this is happy.

I mean, this is, uh...

’This is, this is Mary Anne.’

And Mary Anne, this is Honey.

It’s nice to meet you, Honey.

It’s very nice to meet you, too.

I love your hair.

I could never get mine
to do that.

Mary Anne,
would you like to join us?

Okay, but,
but I’m here with my date.

Oh, you‐you are?
Well, that’s great.

Yeah, I think
you’d really like him.

Well, sure.
Well, he can join us, too.

Where is he?

Oh, there he is.

Yoo‐hoo, over here.

Everyone, this is Nico.

He’s pretty special.

Oh, go on with you.

I’m happy to make
your acquaintance.

What did he just say?

He said he’s happy
to make your acquaintance.

Oh, pleased to meet you.

Larry, what are we going to do?

I don’t know.

But maybe two people
who look exactly like us

will come in
and explain it to us.

[instrumental music]

Mary Anne and Balki are dating

mirror images of each other
and they don’t even see it.

I‐I can’t believe it!

Well, I can’t believe
there’s no cheesecake.

Larry!

Alright, alright, alright, look.

We’ll‐we’ll just
go back to the table

sit down,
drop a few subtle hints

and get them to see
what’s going on.

So anyway to this day

the moose doesn’t know

what happened to his shower cap.

[laughing]

[sighing]

I don’t get it.

Neither do I.

Oh,
but I love your accent, Nico.

Are you from Mypos, too?

No, I’m from Greece.

Why does everyone think
I’m from Mypos?

With that nose?

Uh, Nico, your,
your vest is very beautiful.

I‐I know I’ve seen one
very similar to it before.

Mary Anne, does this vest
look familiar to you?

You know you’re right!

I don’t believe
I didn’t see this sooner!

We used to have a couch
made out of that same material.

‐Balki?
‐Mm‐hmm.

Would you like some pepper?

Pepper!
Oh, Balki never uses pepper.

It makes his feet itch.

You remembered.

Is it just me...

...or is there
an amazing similarity

between the four of you?

Well, of course there is.
Don’t be ridiculous!

‐Finally!
‐We all ordered rice.

‐Okay, Balki.
‐’Mm?’

Come with me
to the dessert cart.

No, cousin, I’ve got
a knife full of peas here

and they’re all just nice

and peppered
at room temperature...

Yeah, very nice.

This is a lovely meal, you know

and, oh, my goodness!

Cousin, cousin!

You’re embarrassing me!

Don’t you see
what’s going on here?

‐You mean about Mary Anne?
‐Yes!

I can’t believe you
brought that up.

I thought
I was the only one that saw it.

Nico is all wrong for her.

I mean, the‐the, he’s just

he’s got a silly accent...

...he smells of goat cheese
and those clothes!

Those clothes! Stop it!
Take him shopping!

Plus he’s got
the attention span of a child.

’Oh, they’re balancing
spoons on their noses.’

I want in on this.

[piano music]

Wrong seat! Wrong seat! Um...

Can I, would it be alright
if I, if I, I’m sorry.

‐I didn’t mean to‐‐
‐You know, that’s alright.

It’s alright. Alright. Go ahead.

‐No, go ahead.
‐Thank you very much, cousin.

[chattering]

[instrumental music]

Balki, would you
come down here, please?

We have to talk!

You know, I was sure
they would catch on last night

wh‐when people in the restaurant
kept on coming up

and asking them if they were
the Doublemint twins.

Well, they,
they didn’t catch on, Larry

and that’s why
it’s up to you and me to just

point them
in the right direction.

Is this gonna take long?
Because I have plans.

Uh, Honey and I are going
to the museum today.

This is the day
they wax the floors.

It’s perfect
for skating in your socks.

Balki, have a seat.

Uh, Jennifer and I wanted
to ask you about something.

Uh, uh,
how do you feel about Honey?

I adore honey on a muffin.

In tea, I have to go
with granulated sugar.

I mean Honey, the girl.

Honey LeBelwich!

Oh, she’s terrific.
She’s, you know, so, so sweet.

Innocent.

Naive yet with
an occasional spark of genius.

So...you like her?

Oh, no one compares
to Mary Anne.

Ah‐ha! What did you just say?

She‐she‐she just said,
"So, you like her?"

and I said,
"No one compares to Honey."

No, you said Mary Anne,
not Honey.

You said,
"No one compares to Mary Anne."

‐No, I didn’t.
‐I heard it, too.

What? What is it with you two?

I know my own voice.

Hello?

[knocking on door]

Hi, Mary Anne!
Look, everyone, it’s Mary Anne!

‐Hi, Mary Anne.
‐Hi, Balki.

How are you?

Is this gonna take long?

They wax the floors
at the museum today.

Before you say anything
to these two

I just want you to know

the lights are on

but they don’t own homes.

If you get what I mean, okay.

Mary Anne,
I‐I’m glad you’re here.

Jennifer and I thought that, uh

we should all
get together and, uh, chat.

You know, about, uh,
current events, the weather...

...displacement of true feelings

for one person onto another

having similar, almost
identical characteristics.

You know...stuff!

Need I say more?

[whistling]

Mary Anne, have you noticed

that you and Balki are dating

people who look
exactly like you?

Well, I don’t think
I look anything like Nico!

Our mistake, our mistake.

No, I‐I‐I think what

what Jennifer means is‐is‐is

it’s just that, you know,
after meeting Nico and Honey

[chuckling]
it seems that both of you
are attracted

to people who‐who seem
to resemble one another.

And don’t you find that odd?

When you say "Odd..."

...do you mean odd funny

or odd weird?

Weird.

When you say "Attracted"

do you mean attracted allured

or attracted a force acting
between particles of matter

tending to draw them together
and resisting their separation?

Allured.

‐What was the question?
‐What was the question?

Oh, God!

‐Conference.
‐Okay, alright.

Okay, alright, uh,
y‐y‐you know something

we’ll be right back.

Wh‐why don’t you just, uh

chat amongst yourselves?

Well, I’m sure glad
you met someone that you like.

I did? Who?

‐Nico.
‐Oh, Nico, right.

Yeah.

And you and Honey
make a lovely couple.

Oh, thank you,
thank you very much.

Hey, hey, hey, hey,
you wanna laugh?

[laughing]

Can you believe that at one time

you and I were thinking
of getting married?

[laughing]

Oh, boy, that seems
like a thousand years ago!

Does it ever! Oh...

[both sighing]

Well, we’ve gone
with the subtle approach

and the not‐so‐subtle approach.

Do you have any other ideas?

We could wrap them
together with duct tape

until they come to their senses.

Larry, I’m serious.

We have to go back in there

tell them they’re perfect
for each other

and force them
to get back together again.

If that doesn’t work
we’ll go with the duct tape.

Okay, you two. Listen up.

You... Oh!

Well, I guess
they did get it on their own.

Well, now this I like!

Now this is a good first step.

Alright, now you two kids
get reacquainted.

You know, take it slow.

Spend some time together.

And who knows?

You might even have
a future together.

Mary Anne and I
are getting married.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

[music continues]