Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 7, Episode 20 - Stress Test - full transcript
[theme music]
♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you just
get a feeling ♪
♪ Like you need
some kind of change ♪
♪ No matter what
the odds are this time ♪
♪ Nothing’s going
to stand in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart ♪
♪ Like a long lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪
♪ Standing tall
on the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Rise and fall
on the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Rain and thunder ♪
♪ Wind and haze ♪
♪ I’m bound for better days ♪
♪ It’s my life and my dream ♪
♪ Nothing’s gonna
stop me now ♪
[instrumental music]
Well, this is the biggest joke
in the world.
What is?
Wainwright has got
some psychiatrist
doing a stress evaluation
with the printers.
[laughing]
That is the biggest joke
in the world.
I‐I, I, I love it. I’m just not
quite clear on the punchline.
What I’m trying to tell you
is that Wainwright
volunteered to help some doctor
who’s doing a stress test
with the printers.
The printers aren’t
under any stress at all!
[laughing]
Appleton, Bartokomous
I’m gonna need your Dimitri
cartoon one day early this week.
We’re trying a new format
on the Sunday paper.
Well, you can count on us, sir.
And may I compliment you
on your selection
of the printers
for the stress evaluation?
They’re under a lot of pressure
down there.
[laughing]
Of course, it doesn’t
come anywhere near
the level of stress we have
up here in the nerve center.
[laughing]
He’s killing me.
Well, I guess
we’ve become somewhat, uh
experts at, uh, managing stress.
Appleton, you’ve given me
an excellent idea.
Well, just part of my job, sir.
And, uh, what idea
would that be, sir?
The idea is to forget
the printers.
I’m gonna send
the doctor up here
to the nerve center
to talk with the experts.
‐What have I done?
‐I have no idea.
But you were on a roll, buddy.
I think, I just got everybody
in the City Room
volunteered for a stress test.
‐That could be fun.
‐No, it’s not gonna be fun.
Balki, there’s gonna be
some psychiatrist up here
trying to find out
everything we’re thinking.
Well, uh, that might be
possible with you, cousin
but I don’t think
he can do that to me.
Most of the time,
I don’t know what I’m thinking.
I mean, sometimes I think
I know what I’m thinking
and then I start to try to think
about what I’m thinking
and just when I think
the thought that I think
I’m thinking...
the thought is gone.
What are we talking about?
We, uh, a, wait.
We’re talking
about the psychiatrist.
‐The psychiatrist‐‐
‐Oh, the psychiatrist.
Do you see the way
your mind wanders?
No, hey, no, Balki.
Balki, no, see, see
that is just what is going
to get you into trouble.
You have to be very careful
what you say
to the psychiatrist, okay?
Because he’s gonna take
everything you say
and, and twist it and,
and turn it and, and think that
just because your,
your brother Billy
was your dad’s favorite
that you’re bitter and neurotic.
Well, it’s not true, I tell you.
And, and I just never had
the chance to show dad that I...
Cousin, cousin, listen, cousin.
Cousin, it’s okay.
It’s alright. It’s alright.
It’s alright, now, now,
just don’t‐don’t worry about
your brother Billy
and don’t worry about me
because when the psychiatrist
comes to talk to me
I’m just gonna be myself.
‐You’re just gonna be myself.
‐You’re just gonna be yourself?
I’m just gonna be myself.
Let me tell you
something, Balki.
You have gotta tell these people
exactly what they want to hear.
Whatever you do,
do not speak Myposian.
‐Why not?
‐No, not a word.
‐It’s a noble language.
‐No, not a word of Myposian.
No, no, none of this oh!
Po, po, po, po, po, po.
’Boing‐boing‐boing.’
Diggi, diggi, diggi,
diggi, diggi, diggi, diggi.
Boochi, boochi, boochi!
Excuse me!
I don’t want to interrupt
your...chant.
Uh, I’m Dr. Michael Aldrich.
Mr. Wainwright sent me up here.
Oh! Oh! That right, Dr. Aldrich.
[laughing]
Oh, no. No, no, not a chant.
Hello, hello,
I’m Balki Bartokomous and...
And this my‐my cousin,
Larry Appleton.
And, uh...
I wouldn’t bring up
his brother, Billy.
I’m just gonna ask
a few questions
do some word association,
show you some ink blots
and ask for your
interpretations.
[instrumental music]
Alright, Larry.
What do you see?
Man’s, uh, relentless quest
to return to and liberate
the child within, as I have.
Butterfly.
And what do you see in this one?
Man in turmoil,
uh, struggling to reach
the level of inner peace I have.
Bowling ball.
Now, we’re going to do
some word association.
I’ll say a word,
you say the first thing
that comes in your head.
Boy.
Young, well‐adjusted
urban warrior with a vision
desire to help others
on his road toward adulthood.
Girl.
‐Career.
‐Struggling, clutching.
Climbing, always trying to reach
the next rung
of the corporate ladder
all while being a loyal soldier
to Mr. Wainwright, which I am.
Job.
Now, there’s just one more area
that I’d like to cover.
I understand
that even though you’re married
your cousin
still lives with you.
Tell me about that.
Oh, I do, uh, well,
no, no, that’s...
I know that it may seem
a little peculiar but, uh...
No, uh, well, uh...
I had no choice.
Because, well‐well,
to be‐be perfectly honest
uh, he’s,
he’s helpless without me.
Cousin Larry said that
he needed help with the rent
but to tell you the truth
he’s...helpless without me.
[instrumental music]
Bartokomous, Appleton.
‐Hi, Mr. Wainwright.
‐Yes, sir, Mr. Wainwright.
I just finished talking
with Dr. Aldrich.
And he’s given me some
very constructive ideas
about changes
I could make around here.
Well, you know, I was pretty
impressed with him myself.
Dr. Aldrich, uh, found you two
very, um, interesting.
Uh, in fact, he’s so impressed
by you that he wants both of you
to do further stress testing
at his clinic.
Be there tomorrow morning
at nine.
Cousin, did you hear that?
We get to go down to the clinic
for further testing!
Oh, I’m so excited!
I don’t know about you but I’m
not gonna sleep a wink tonight.
What am I gonna wear?
What am I gonna wear?
Oh, I guess, we shouldn’t flaunt
our good fortune
in front of the others.
I knew it. I knew it.
Dr. Aldrich found something
to make him think
that we’re unstable, the quack.
What did you tell him?
Did you tell him
about the Dance of Joy?
Tell him about it?
I taught it to him.
He did this snappy little
knee‐jerk thing
with a little rotation up here.
I’m gonna have you try it.
Balki, Balki. Don’t you see
what’s going on here?
When Wainwright said he’s,
he’s gonna make some changes
around here,
what‐what he means is that
he’s gonna find out who can’t
handle stress and fire them.
And I’m gonna be
one of the first ones to go.
[instrumental music]
[instrumental music]
So, this is the clinic.
It’s even more wonderful
than I dreamed.
So much formica
and simulated wood.
Well, I‐I, I don’t
have to work at the paper.
I could cut hair.
My Uncle Bud had a barbershop,
did‐did well.
And my Uncle Ed
sold meat door‐to‐door
always made a very nice living.
Cousin.
Cousin, listen.
This is not necessary.
You’re not going to
lose your job.
And can we please
just be adults about this?
Popsicle sticks!
No, no, Balki,
those are not popsicle sticks.
Those are tongue depressors.
Well, of course they are,
don’t be ridiculous.
After the popsicle’s gone...
...your tongue gets depressed.
Hello, Larry, Balki.
Dr. Mike!
[both chuckle]
Well, are you ready
to get started?
Dr. Mike, before we get started
I just got to hear
your duck imitation.
‐My duck imitation?
‐Yeah.
Cousin Larry says
you’re a big quack.
‐Will you stop it?
‐Ow! Ow!
He’s, he’s a little
nervous about the test.
Oh!
Look, cousin, chest watches.
What these devices will do is
measure the amount of stress
that your body is feeling.
Please, be seated.
We’re just gonna ask you
to perform a few simple tasks.
There’s no right or wrong way
to do them.
No passing or failing.
Just do your best.
[door closes]
No passing or failing.
We’re going to be graded
on everything we do.
Oh, come on, cousin,
Dr. Mike left the room.
We can do anything we want
in this palace of fun.
I’m so excited.
Balki, we cannot do
anything we want.
Dr. Mike is gonna be watching us
from behind the mirror.
Get out of the city.
There’s no room
behind that mirror.
It’s just right up
against the wall.
No, Balky, there is another room
on the other side of the mirror.
He can see us,
but we can’t see him.
‐Really?
‐’Yes.’
And stretch!
‐Balki!.
‐What?
He is watching us
from over there.
He is going to be evaluating
everything we do.
You know, and‐and, and
without even knowing it
we could be revealing our,
our deepest inner most thoughts.
Will you stop it?
What’s the matter with you?
Oh, God! Look! I’m‐I’m already
registering stress!
‐Cousin, cousin...
‐I’m failing the test.
Calm down. Calm down.
Calm down. Calm down.
Remember. Remember your
"Think and Grow Calm" tapes?
‐Yeah.
‐Well, now.
Just remember,
you take a deep breath.
[inhales]
‐Ah!
‐Repeat after me.
I am a Halloween.
‐I am a Halloween.
‐No, no, no.
It’s not "I am a Halloween."
It’s "I am a hollow reed."
Well, that makes absolutely
no sense whatsoever.
But if it works for you,
go with it.
I am a hollow reed.
I am a hollow reed.
Trouble blows through me
like the wind.
Alright. We’re going to begin
with a simple task.
Please, be seated.
Oh. You know, I decided
I like this seat because it’s...
(Dr. Mike)
’Assemble the puzzle of
the United States on the table.’
‐You have one minute. Begin.
‐Alright, alright, Balki.
You start with East Coast,
work your way this way
I’ll start with the West Coast
and work my way that way.
Come on.
No, no. I don’t know.
‐I don’t want to have a plan.
‐Just start on the East Coast.
‐And work your way this way.
‐No. I don’t want to have.
Cousin, I want to be
here with the farms
where people have
nice braids and‐‐
Alright, alright, Balki,
I’ll start on the coasts
and work my way in,
and you start
in the middle
and work your way out.
Oh, come on, cousin.
No, look.
Balki, if we don’t do this
I’m gonna lose my job!
Oh, cousin, for goodness sake.
Let’s make a game out of it.
Balki, we have wasted
15 seconds.
We’ve only got 45 seconds left.
Cousin, cousin, look,
the only way
to accomplish a difficult task
is to make it fun, okay?
California!
Where is California?
♪ California here I come ♪
♪ Right back where
I started from ♪
Start in the middle
of the country.
♪ There’s a yellow rose of Texas
that I am gonna see ♪
♪ Oh the sun shines bright
on my old Kentucky home ♪
♪ Oh I come from Alabama
with a banjo on my knee ♪
♪ I’m goin’ to Louisiana
my true love for to see ♪
♪ Oh Susannah
don’t you cry for me ♪
♪ For I come from Alabama
with a banjo on my knee ♪
♪ Carry me back
to old Virginny ♪
Alright, Balki, we just need
New York. Where’s New York?
‐Where is New York?
‐Just find New York.
I’ll‐I’ll do the rest.
You just find New York.
Find New York. Go on.
If I can make it there
then I’ll make it anywhere.
It’s up to you!
New York! New York!
♪ These vagabond shoes ♪
♪ Ta ta ta‐ra‐ra ♪
♪ Are leaving today ♪
♪ Ta ta ta‐ra‐ra ♪
♪ I want to be a part of it ♪
♪ In old New York ♪
♪ If I can make it there ♪
♪ I’ll make it anywhere ♪
♪ It’s up to you New York ♪
♪ New York ♪
Time.
You did very well.
’Are you ready for step two?’
Oh, you bet, we are.
‐Hi‐yah!
‐Hi‐yah!
Raise the temperature
in the lab to 100 degrees.
I love this part.
Here’s a stack of assorted
colored papers in front of you.
’Separate them according
to color and count them.’
You have two minutes.
Alright, Balki, this will go
faster if we each take half
and then‐then add them up
at the end.
Okay, could I have that pile?
‐Because I’ve always loved...
‐’Begin.’
One, two, sweep the hut.
Three, four, milk the goat.
Five, six, tend the flock.
Seven, eight, run next door
and see if Stavros
has any extra lard.
‐Nine‐‐
‐Balki, will you stop that?
It doesn’t even rhyme.
Well, it does in Myposian.
Now, I’ll have to start
all over again.
Boy, it’s getting hot in here.
‐Balki.
‐Uh‐huh.
(Dr. Mike)
’What is your phone number?’
Five, five, five,
nine, eight, seven, six.
Five, four, three,
two, one, zero.
Will you shut up?
[device beeping]
Cousin, now, cousin,
cousin, look.
Just remember,
deep breath, deep breath.
I am hollow reed and wind blows
through me with no trouble.
Trouble blows through me
like the wind.
Wind blows through me...
One, two...
(Dr. Mike)
’Larry, what is your
wife’s occupation?’
Five... Flight attendant.
Six...
Does it bother you that
your wife spends a lot of time
away from home
with good‐looking pilots?
Twelve, thirteen, fourteen,
fifteen... No!
Sixteen...
[device beeping]
Seventeen, eighteen...
‐Cousin, I am a hollow reed.
‐Nineteen... I am a hollow reed.
‐Hollow reed.
‐Twenty... I am a hollow reed.
‐Hollow reed.
‐I am a hollow reed.
Oh, who’s kidding who?
I’m not a hollow reed.
How can I be a hollow reed when
my wife’s off sharing peanuts
with some square‐jawed
jet jockey?
I am a hollow reed.
If hollow reed doesn’t work,
you try "I’m a Halloween."
(both)
I’m a Halloween.
‐I’m a Halloween.
‐I’m a Halloween.
‐I’m a Halloween.
‐I’m a Halloween.
I’m alright.
‐Okay. Yeah.
‐Thank you, buddy. Thank you.
Alright, let’s get these things
counted and get out of the oven.
‐Okay.
‐Don’t let him distract you.
Alright, alright.
[whispering]
Four, five, six‐‐
‐’Balki.’
‐Uh‐huh.
I understand your girlfriend
lives in the same house
with you?
Yes, that’s right. She lives
right across the hall.
Are you a feeling a lot
of pressure to get married?
To who?
Balki, we gotta do something
about the heat in here.
‐Turn on the fan.
‐No, no, cousin.
‐I don’t thin‐‐
‐Turn on the fan.
‐Cousin, cousin, listen to me.
‐Turn on the fan.
Turn on the fan!
Turn on the fan, now!
[device beeping]
‐I’m hollow reed.
‐Turn the fan on, now!
[yelling]
Cousin...
‐Balki, turn off the fan!
‐I am hollow reed.
Turn off the fan, now!
Turn the fan off!
I can’t.
Cousin, I can’t turn it off.
I can’t turn it off.
I can’t move it.
‐I can’t move it, cousin.
‐You have 20 seconds.
Balki, help me pick up the
papers or I’m gonna lose my job!
Hey, cousin, listen.
You know what?
Don’t think about.
Don’t worry about it.
Nothing, nothing is that
important, cousin. It’s just...
Cousin, oh, gosh, if you lose
your job, you get another job.
‐’Balki.’
‐Yah?
Did your Cousin Larry tell you
that he’s going to Disneyland
this summer and he’s not
taking you?
[device beeping]
How...could you do that to me?
You, you know that
going to the Magic Kingdom
is my life‐long dream?
Balki, I didn’t say that!
He’s lying.
Doctors don’t lie.
And anyway, lying about
Disneyland is illegal.
Balki...I’m telling you,
I didn’t say that.
Don’t you see
what he’s trying to do?
He’s trying to pit us
against each other
so he’ll raise our,
raise our stress level.
And you thought you’d just go
to Disneyland and unwind!
[device beeping]
I’m not going to Disneyland!
Nobody is going to Disneyland!
(Dr. Mike)
’Time’s up!’
Oh, God! Oh, no.
We didn’t finish the test!
We’re gonna lose our jobs.
Yeah, well, one of us
is goin’ to Disneyland!
Yes, I am.
[instrumental music]
Yes, thank you, Alice.
That was Wainwright’s secretary.
‐Alice.
‐Alice.
He’s on his way down here.
We may as well clean out
our desks now.
Cousin, I’m so sorry
that I let you down.
I, I‐I...
When Dr. Aldrich said that
you were going to Disneyland
without me, I just
completely lost it and...
It wasn’t very nice of
Dr. Aldrich to lie to me.
He really got your goat.
Oh, no. He’s got Binki?
No. No, he doesn’t have Binki.
It’s an expression.
"He’s got Binki"
is an expression?
What does that mean?
Appleton, Bartokomous.
I’ve just been on the phone
with Dr. Aldrich.
Well, I’m surprised
you both fit.
Mr. Wainwright, I‐I...
I can explain everything
about the stress test.
There’s nothing to explain.
Dr. Aldrich thinks I’m brilliant
because
I teamed you two together.
He thinks
your obsessiveness offsets
Bartokomous’
lack of concentration
and his level of composure
offsets your level of neurosis.
But‐but, sir, we,
we failed the stress test.
We‐we crumbled.
That’s the point of the test,
Appleton, everyone crumbles.
You two did fairly well,
until you
started fighting
with each other.
Then you crumbled in a big way.
I saw the tape.
It was quite amusing.
As a matter of fact,
my wife and I
are having people
over tonight to view it again.
My favorite part is
"I am a Halloween!"
[laughing]
I am a Halloween.
Well, cousin, you see,
it weren’t for nothing.
We still got our jobs
and we’re bringing big laughs
to Mr. and Mrs. Wainwright’s
parties
and, uh...we learned
a valuable lesson.
That we make a great team...
till we start to fight.
So, uh, let’s just
see to it that, uh...
...we don’t have
any more fights, okay?
W‐w‐w‐wait a minute,
wait a minute.
Are‐are you saying that I am
the one who starts the fights?
[scoffs]
Well, I’m not saying that no
although you are the one that
that has always started them.
I mean, for six years anyway,
you have been the one who starts
but, look, but that is
water under the fridge
you just, it’s not,
the important thing.
What do you mean?
What do you mean for six years?
I’ve been the one
who has started the fights?
Well, you’re the one that
comes two inches from my ear
and says "What,
are you outta your mind?"
Alright, well, well,
I am not the one
with the attention span
of a flea.
Well, I am not the one
that comes up behind you
and does this
when you want me to shut up.
Oh, well, I am not the one
who’s always saying
"Oh, go on with you."
Yeah, but you do this.
Aw!
No. You do this!
Ow!
Actually, I guess...
(both)
We both do this.
(both)
Aw!
[instrumental music]
[theme music]
♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you just
get a feeling ♪
♪ Like you need
some kind of change ♪
♪ No matter what
the odds are this time ♪
♪ Nothing’s going
to stand in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart ♪
♪ Like a long lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪
♪ Standing tall
on the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Rise and fall
on the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Rain and thunder ♪
♪ Wind and haze ♪
♪ I’m bound for better days ♪
♪ It’s my life and my dream ♪
♪ Nothing’s gonna
stop me now ♪
[instrumental music]
Well, this is the biggest joke
in the world.
What is?
Wainwright has got
some psychiatrist
doing a stress evaluation
with the printers.
[laughing]
That is the biggest joke
in the world.
I‐I, I, I love it. I’m just not
quite clear on the punchline.
What I’m trying to tell you
is that Wainwright
volunteered to help some doctor
who’s doing a stress test
with the printers.
The printers aren’t
under any stress at all!
[laughing]
Appleton, Bartokomous
I’m gonna need your Dimitri
cartoon one day early this week.
We’re trying a new format
on the Sunday paper.
Well, you can count on us, sir.
And may I compliment you
on your selection
of the printers
for the stress evaluation?
They’re under a lot of pressure
down there.
[laughing]
Of course, it doesn’t
come anywhere near
the level of stress we have
up here in the nerve center.
[laughing]
He’s killing me.
Well, I guess
we’ve become somewhat, uh
experts at, uh, managing stress.
Appleton, you’ve given me
an excellent idea.
Well, just part of my job, sir.
And, uh, what idea
would that be, sir?
The idea is to forget
the printers.
I’m gonna send
the doctor up here
to the nerve center
to talk with the experts.
‐What have I done?
‐I have no idea.
But you were on a roll, buddy.
I think, I just got everybody
in the City Room
volunteered for a stress test.
‐That could be fun.
‐No, it’s not gonna be fun.
Balki, there’s gonna be
some psychiatrist up here
trying to find out
everything we’re thinking.
Well, uh, that might be
possible with you, cousin
but I don’t think
he can do that to me.
Most of the time,
I don’t know what I’m thinking.
I mean, sometimes I think
I know what I’m thinking
and then I start to try to think
about what I’m thinking
and just when I think
the thought that I think
I’m thinking...
the thought is gone.
What are we talking about?
We, uh, a, wait.
We’re talking
about the psychiatrist.
‐The psychiatrist‐‐
‐Oh, the psychiatrist.
Do you see the way
your mind wanders?
No, hey, no, Balki.
Balki, no, see, see
that is just what is going
to get you into trouble.
You have to be very careful
what you say
to the psychiatrist, okay?
Because he’s gonna take
everything you say
and, and twist it and,
and turn it and, and think that
just because your,
your brother Billy
was your dad’s favorite
that you’re bitter and neurotic.
Well, it’s not true, I tell you.
And, and I just never had
the chance to show dad that I...
Cousin, cousin, listen, cousin.
Cousin, it’s okay.
It’s alright. It’s alright.
It’s alright, now, now,
just don’t‐don’t worry about
your brother Billy
and don’t worry about me
because when the psychiatrist
comes to talk to me
I’m just gonna be myself.
‐You’re just gonna be myself.
‐You’re just gonna be yourself?
I’m just gonna be myself.
Let me tell you
something, Balki.
You have gotta tell these people
exactly what they want to hear.
Whatever you do,
do not speak Myposian.
‐Why not?
‐No, not a word.
‐It’s a noble language.
‐No, not a word of Myposian.
No, no, none of this oh!
Po, po, po, po, po, po.
’Boing‐boing‐boing.’
Diggi, diggi, diggi,
diggi, diggi, diggi, diggi.
Boochi, boochi, boochi!
Excuse me!
I don’t want to interrupt
your...chant.
Uh, I’m Dr. Michael Aldrich.
Mr. Wainwright sent me up here.
Oh! Oh! That right, Dr. Aldrich.
[laughing]
Oh, no. No, no, not a chant.
Hello, hello,
I’m Balki Bartokomous and...
And this my‐my cousin,
Larry Appleton.
And, uh...
I wouldn’t bring up
his brother, Billy.
I’m just gonna ask
a few questions
do some word association,
show you some ink blots
and ask for your
interpretations.
[instrumental music]
Alright, Larry.
What do you see?
Man’s, uh, relentless quest
to return to and liberate
the child within, as I have.
Butterfly.
And what do you see in this one?
Man in turmoil,
uh, struggling to reach
the level of inner peace I have.
Bowling ball.
Now, we’re going to do
some word association.
I’ll say a word,
you say the first thing
that comes in your head.
Boy.
Young, well‐adjusted
urban warrior with a vision
desire to help others
on his road toward adulthood.
Girl.
‐Career.
‐Struggling, clutching.
Climbing, always trying to reach
the next rung
of the corporate ladder
all while being a loyal soldier
to Mr. Wainwright, which I am.
Job.
Now, there’s just one more area
that I’d like to cover.
I understand
that even though you’re married
your cousin
still lives with you.
Tell me about that.
Oh, I do, uh, well,
no, no, that’s...
I know that it may seem
a little peculiar but, uh...
No, uh, well, uh...
I had no choice.
Because, well‐well,
to be‐be perfectly honest
uh, he’s,
he’s helpless without me.
Cousin Larry said that
he needed help with the rent
but to tell you the truth
he’s...helpless without me.
[instrumental music]
Bartokomous, Appleton.
‐Hi, Mr. Wainwright.
‐Yes, sir, Mr. Wainwright.
I just finished talking
with Dr. Aldrich.
And he’s given me some
very constructive ideas
about changes
I could make around here.
Well, you know, I was pretty
impressed with him myself.
Dr. Aldrich, uh, found you two
very, um, interesting.
Uh, in fact, he’s so impressed
by you that he wants both of you
to do further stress testing
at his clinic.
Be there tomorrow morning
at nine.
Cousin, did you hear that?
We get to go down to the clinic
for further testing!
Oh, I’m so excited!
I don’t know about you but I’m
not gonna sleep a wink tonight.
What am I gonna wear?
What am I gonna wear?
Oh, I guess, we shouldn’t flaunt
our good fortune
in front of the others.
I knew it. I knew it.
Dr. Aldrich found something
to make him think
that we’re unstable, the quack.
What did you tell him?
Did you tell him
about the Dance of Joy?
Tell him about it?
I taught it to him.
He did this snappy little
knee‐jerk thing
with a little rotation up here.
I’m gonna have you try it.
Balki, Balki. Don’t you see
what’s going on here?
When Wainwright said he’s,
he’s gonna make some changes
around here,
what‐what he means is that
he’s gonna find out who can’t
handle stress and fire them.
And I’m gonna be
one of the first ones to go.
[instrumental music]
[instrumental music]
So, this is the clinic.
It’s even more wonderful
than I dreamed.
So much formica
and simulated wood.
Well, I‐I, I don’t
have to work at the paper.
I could cut hair.
My Uncle Bud had a barbershop,
did‐did well.
And my Uncle Ed
sold meat door‐to‐door
always made a very nice living.
Cousin.
Cousin, listen.
This is not necessary.
You’re not going to
lose your job.
And can we please
just be adults about this?
Popsicle sticks!
No, no, Balki,
those are not popsicle sticks.
Those are tongue depressors.
Well, of course they are,
don’t be ridiculous.
After the popsicle’s gone...
...your tongue gets depressed.
Hello, Larry, Balki.
Dr. Mike!
[both chuckle]
Well, are you ready
to get started?
Dr. Mike, before we get started
I just got to hear
your duck imitation.
‐My duck imitation?
‐Yeah.
Cousin Larry says
you’re a big quack.
‐Will you stop it?
‐Ow! Ow!
He’s, he’s a little
nervous about the test.
Oh!
Look, cousin, chest watches.
What these devices will do is
measure the amount of stress
that your body is feeling.
Please, be seated.
We’re just gonna ask you
to perform a few simple tasks.
There’s no right or wrong way
to do them.
No passing or failing.
Just do your best.
[door closes]
No passing or failing.
We’re going to be graded
on everything we do.
Oh, come on, cousin,
Dr. Mike left the room.
We can do anything we want
in this palace of fun.
I’m so excited.
Balki, we cannot do
anything we want.
Dr. Mike is gonna be watching us
from behind the mirror.
Get out of the city.
There’s no room
behind that mirror.
It’s just right up
against the wall.
No, Balky, there is another room
on the other side of the mirror.
He can see us,
but we can’t see him.
‐Really?
‐’Yes.’
And stretch!
‐Balki!.
‐What?
He is watching us
from over there.
He is going to be evaluating
everything we do.
You know, and‐and, and
without even knowing it
we could be revealing our,
our deepest inner most thoughts.
Will you stop it?
What’s the matter with you?
Oh, God! Look! I’m‐I’m already
registering stress!
‐Cousin, cousin...
‐I’m failing the test.
Calm down. Calm down.
Calm down. Calm down.
Remember. Remember your
"Think and Grow Calm" tapes?
‐Yeah.
‐Well, now.
Just remember,
you take a deep breath.
[inhales]
‐Ah!
‐Repeat after me.
I am a Halloween.
‐I am a Halloween.
‐No, no, no.
It’s not "I am a Halloween."
It’s "I am a hollow reed."
Well, that makes absolutely
no sense whatsoever.
But if it works for you,
go with it.
I am a hollow reed.
I am a hollow reed.
Trouble blows through me
like the wind.
Alright. We’re going to begin
with a simple task.
Please, be seated.
Oh. You know, I decided
I like this seat because it’s...
(Dr. Mike)
’Assemble the puzzle of
the United States on the table.’
‐You have one minute. Begin.
‐Alright, alright, Balki.
You start with East Coast,
work your way this way
I’ll start with the West Coast
and work my way that way.
Come on.
No, no. I don’t know.
‐I don’t want to have a plan.
‐Just start on the East Coast.
‐And work your way this way.
‐No. I don’t want to have.
Cousin, I want to be
here with the farms
where people have
nice braids and‐‐
Alright, alright, Balki,
I’ll start on the coasts
and work my way in,
and you start
in the middle
and work your way out.
Oh, come on, cousin.
No, look.
Balki, if we don’t do this
I’m gonna lose my job!
Oh, cousin, for goodness sake.
Let’s make a game out of it.
Balki, we have wasted
15 seconds.
We’ve only got 45 seconds left.
Cousin, cousin, look,
the only way
to accomplish a difficult task
is to make it fun, okay?
California!
Where is California?
♪ California here I come ♪
♪ Right back where
I started from ♪
Start in the middle
of the country.
♪ There’s a yellow rose of Texas
that I am gonna see ♪
♪ Oh the sun shines bright
on my old Kentucky home ♪
♪ Oh I come from Alabama
with a banjo on my knee ♪
♪ I’m goin’ to Louisiana
my true love for to see ♪
♪ Oh Susannah
don’t you cry for me ♪
♪ For I come from Alabama
with a banjo on my knee ♪
♪ Carry me back
to old Virginny ♪
Alright, Balki, we just need
New York. Where’s New York?
‐Where is New York?
‐Just find New York.
I’ll‐I’ll do the rest.
You just find New York.
Find New York. Go on.
If I can make it there
then I’ll make it anywhere.
It’s up to you!
New York! New York!
♪ These vagabond shoes ♪
♪ Ta ta ta‐ra‐ra ♪
♪ Are leaving today ♪
♪ Ta ta ta‐ra‐ra ♪
♪ I want to be a part of it ♪
♪ In old New York ♪
♪ If I can make it there ♪
♪ I’ll make it anywhere ♪
♪ It’s up to you New York ♪
♪ New York ♪
Time.
You did very well.
’Are you ready for step two?’
Oh, you bet, we are.
‐Hi‐yah!
‐Hi‐yah!
Raise the temperature
in the lab to 100 degrees.
I love this part.
Here’s a stack of assorted
colored papers in front of you.
’Separate them according
to color and count them.’
You have two minutes.
Alright, Balki, this will go
faster if we each take half
and then‐then add them up
at the end.
Okay, could I have that pile?
‐Because I’ve always loved...
‐’Begin.’
One, two, sweep the hut.
Three, four, milk the goat.
Five, six, tend the flock.
Seven, eight, run next door
and see if Stavros
has any extra lard.
‐Nine‐‐
‐Balki, will you stop that?
It doesn’t even rhyme.
Well, it does in Myposian.
Now, I’ll have to start
all over again.
Boy, it’s getting hot in here.
‐Balki.
‐Uh‐huh.
(Dr. Mike)
’What is your phone number?’
Five, five, five,
nine, eight, seven, six.
Five, four, three,
two, one, zero.
Will you shut up?
[device beeping]
Cousin, now, cousin,
cousin, look.
Just remember,
deep breath, deep breath.
I am hollow reed and wind blows
through me with no trouble.
Trouble blows through me
like the wind.
Wind blows through me...
One, two...
(Dr. Mike)
’Larry, what is your
wife’s occupation?’
Five... Flight attendant.
Six...
Does it bother you that
your wife spends a lot of time
away from home
with good‐looking pilots?
Twelve, thirteen, fourteen,
fifteen... No!
Sixteen...
[device beeping]
Seventeen, eighteen...
‐Cousin, I am a hollow reed.
‐Nineteen... I am a hollow reed.
‐Hollow reed.
‐Twenty... I am a hollow reed.
‐Hollow reed.
‐I am a hollow reed.
Oh, who’s kidding who?
I’m not a hollow reed.
How can I be a hollow reed when
my wife’s off sharing peanuts
with some square‐jawed
jet jockey?
I am a hollow reed.
If hollow reed doesn’t work,
you try "I’m a Halloween."
(both)
I’m a Halloween.
‐I’m a Halloween.
‐I’m a Halloween.
‐I’m a Halloween.
‐I’m a Halloween.
I’m alright.
‐Okay. Yeah.
‐Thank you, buddy. Thank you.
Alright, let’s get these things
counted and get out of the oven.
‐Okay.
‐Don’t let him distract you.
Alright, alright.
[whispering]
Four, five, six‐‐
‐’Balki.’
‐Uh‐huh.
I understand your girlfriend
lives in the same house
with you?
Yes, that’s right. She lives
right across the hall.
Are you a feeling a lot
of pressure to get married?
To who?
Balki, we gotta do something
about the heat in here.
‐Turn on the fan.
‐No, no, cousin.
‐I don’t thin‐‐
‐Turn on the fan.
‐Cousin, cousin, listen to me.
‐Turn on the fan.
Turn on the fan!
Turn on the fan, now!
[device beeping]
‐I’m hollow reed.
‐Turn the fan on, now!
[yelling]
Cousin...
‐Balki, turn off the fan!
‐I am hollow reed.
Turn off the fan, now!
Turn the fan off!
I can’t.
Cousin, I can’t turn it off.
I can’t turn it off.
I can’t move it.
‐I can’t move it, cousin.
‐You have 20 seconds.
Balki, help me pick up the
papers or I’m gonna lose my job!
Hey, cousin, listen.
You know what?
Don’t think about.
Don’t worry about it.
Nothing, nothing is that
important, cousin. It’s just...
Cousin, oh, gosh, if you lose
your job, you get another job.
‐’Balki.’
‐Yah?
Did your Cousin Larry tell you
that he’s going to Disneyland
this summer and he’s not
taking you?
[device beeping]
How...could you do that to me?
You, you know that
going to the Magic Kingdom
is my life‐long dream?
Balki, I didn’t say that!
He’s lying.
Doctors don’t lie.
And anyway, lying about
Disneyland is illegal.
Balki...I’m telling you,
I didn’t say that.
Don’t you see
what he’s trying to do?
He’s trying to pit us
against each other
so he’ll raise our,
raise our stress level.
And you thought you’d just go
to Disneyland and unwind!
[device beeping]
I’m not going to Disneyland!
Nobody is going to Disneyland!
(Dr. Mike)
’Time’s up!’
Oh, God! Oh, no.
We didn’t finish the test!
We’re gonna lose our jobs.
Yeah, well, one of us
is goin’ to Disneyland!
Yes, I am.
[instrumental music]
Yes, thank you, Alice.
That was Wainwright’s secretary.
‐Alice.
‐Alice.
He’s on his way down here.
We may as well clean out
our desks now.
Cousin, I’m so sorry
that I let you down.
I, I‐I...
When Dr. Aldrich said that
you were going to Disneyland
without me, I just
completely lost it and...
It wasn’t very nice of
Dr. Aldrich to lie to me.
He really got your goat.
Oh, no. He’s got Binki?
No. No, he doesn’t have Binki.
It’s an expression.
"He’s got Binki"
is an expression?
What does that mean?
Appleton, Bartokomous.
I’ve just been on the phone
with Dr. Aldrich.
Well, I’m surprised
you both fit.
Mr. Wainwright, I‐I...
I can explain everything
about the stress test.
There’s nothing to explain.
Dr. Aldrich thinks I’m brilliant
because
I teamed you two together.
He thinks
your obsessiveness offsets
Bartokomous’
lack of concentration
and his level of composure
offsets your level of neurosis.
But‐but, sir, we,
we failed the stress test.
We‐we crumbled.
That’s the point of the test,
Appleton, everyone crumbles.
You two did fairly well,
until you
started fighting
with each other.
Then you crumbled in a big way.
I saw the tape.
It was quite amusing.
As a matter of fact,
my wife and I
are having people
over tonight to view it again.
My favorite part is
"I am a Halloween!"
[laughing]
I am a Halloween.
Well, cousin, you see,
it weren’t for nothing.
We still got our jobs
and we’re bringing big laughs
to Mr. and Mrs. Wainwright’s
parties
and, uh...we learned
a valuable lesson.
That we make a great team...
till we start to fight.
So, uh, let’s just
see to it that, uh...
...we don’t have
any more fights, okay?
W‐w‐w‐wait a minute,
wait a minute.
Are‐are you saying that I am
the one who starts the fights?
[scoffs]
Well, I’m not saying that no
although you are the one that
that has always started them.
I mean, for six years anyway,
you have been the one who starts
but, look, but that is
water under the fridge
you just, it’s not,
the important thing.
What do you mean?
What do you mean for six years?
I’ve been the one
who has started the fights?
Well, you’re the one that
comes two inches from my ear
and says "What,
are you outta your mind?"
Alright, well, well,
I am not the one
with the attention span
of a flea.
Well, I am not the one
that comes up behind you
and does this
when you want me to shut up.
Oh, well, I am not the one
who’s always saying
"Oh, go on with you."
Yeah, but you do this.
Aw!
No. You do this!
Ow!
Actually, I guess...
(both)
We both do this.
(both)
Aw!
[instrumental music]
[theme music]