Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 6, Episode 7 - The Men Who Knew Too Much: Part 1 - full transcript

* Sometimes the world
looks perfect

* Sometimes you just
get a feeling

* Like you need
some kind of change

* No matter what the odds are
this time

* Nothings gonna stand
in my way

* This flame in my heart

* Like a long lost friend

* Gives every dark street
a light at the end

* Standing tall
on the wings of my dream

* Rise and fall
on the wings of my dream

* The rain and thunder
the wind and haze



* I'm bound for better days
* Ooh oh ooh

* It's my life and my dream

* Nothings gonna
stop me now *

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(GUNSHOTS)

Cousin, uh-uh-uh,
they're gaining on us.

You better step in it.

Look at the road,
watch the road.

Woah! Woah!

(GROANING)

Cousin, are you aware
you just ran a stop sign?

Yes, I'm aware of that.
Well...

I'm also aware there are
people trying to kill us.

But I happen to prefer
traffic school to death.



(BOTH GRUNTING)

This is the worst day
of my life.

Oh, cousin, come on.

Oh, you're right.
They've stopped shooting at us.

Maybe they're
out of bullets.

(GUNSHOT)

Ah.
And maybe not.

How did we ever get
into this mess?

Well... Well, to make
a short story long

it was a crisp day
in the windy city

and Balki had
a new toy and...

Balki, I have great news.

Oh, cousin, so do I.

I got a new video camera
and I can videotape you

telling me your great news
and we can relive it forever.

Balki.
Cousin, this is
gonna be great.

I read the manual
back to front.

I set the aperture at 1.3.

And I set the white balance
at 42.8, and it's just--

Balki, Balki, Balki...
I adjusted the, the thing...

(SCREAMS)

Oh, that is much better.

I have incredible news.

I just got an out of town
assignment.

Oh, cousin,
that's wonderful.

All my hard work
is finally paying off.

I'm getting a perk.

I had to have it surgically
removed by the village barber.

Mr. Wainwright is sending me
to Los Angeles to cover a story.

Los Angeles? Oh, cousin,
what's the assignment?

Political scandal? Oil spill?
No. No.

Not Zsa Zsa again?
No, no, no.

No, it's a wedding.
But not just any wedding.

It's a big
Hollywood wedding.

Ed Albrecht, the Chicago Civic
Affairs Commissioner

is marrying the actress
who plays Darla Wayne

on that TV soap opera,
El Segundo.

Darla Wayne!

I... I...
She's my favorite.

I never miss that show.

Oh, cousin, well, finally
she's marrying a decent man.

Balki, Darla Wayne
is not real.

Cousin, I know a lot of people
think Darla's a phony

but deep down
she's a good girl.

Darla Wayne is a character
on TV.

She's played by an actress
named Marcy Eden.

A new husband, a new,
a new job, a new name.

What a year this is going
to be for Darla.

Yes, yes, it is.

Hi.
Well, hi.

Are you guys ready
to go to lunch?

The paper is sending me
to Los Angeles for the weekend

in first class.

But the best part
is cousin Larry

is going to do a story
on Darla Wayne's wedding.

Darla Wayne?
Yeah.

I love Darla Wayne.

Although she hasn't
quite been the same

since that
quicksand incident.

Mary Anne,
Darla Wayne is not real.

Jennifer, Jennifer...
You see, she's played by--

Unh.
Let it go.

Well, Larry, if you're gonna be
in Los Angeles this weekend

Mary Anne and I could switch
to the L.A. flight

and meet you there.

Well, that would
be terrific.

After the wedding
we could get together

and see the sights of L.A.

We can, we can,
we can go to Disneyland.

And then we can go watch
the sunset from the Sunset Strip

and we can play polo
at the Polo Lounge

and we can go bowling
at the Hollywood Bowl.

I mean, I mean, all of you

three could, could
do those things.

I, of course
won't be there.

You know, Larry,
you could always cash in

your first class ticket
for two coach seats

and then Balki could come.

Balki, you wouldn't wanna go
to L.A., would you?

I mean, it's hot, it's smoggy,
the traffic is horrible.

Oh, no, no, cousin,
I, I, you're right.

I, I wouldn't want to go to
Los Angeles, California, USA

with my closest friends
on Earth

or, or meet Darla Wayne
in person or...

Have my picture
taken with Mickey and...

Mm-mm-Min-Minnie.

Okay, then it's just
the three of us.

Larry.
You heard him.

He doesn't wanna go.

(SOBBING)

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.
Oh, cousin.

Oh, God.

Oh, cousin, this means
a lot to me because...

* I love L.A.

* From the South Bay
to the Valley

* From the West Side
to the East Side

* Everybody's very happy

* Cause the sun is shining
all the time

* Looks like another
perfect day

* I love L.A.

* We love it

* I love L.A.

* We love it

* I love L.A. *

What a lovely wedding.

Doesn't Darla look beautiful?

(CHATTER)

Oh. Oh.

You're that jealous
dress designer that

that deliberately put Darla
in horizontal stripes.

Shame on you, Ms. Longiene.

Balki, stop it.
Stop taping.

Stop shoving that thing
in people's faces.

Cousin, I got to get close,
I can't see a thing.

Well, here.
Use the zoom lens.

Oh, cousin,
look at the time.

We're supposed to meet
Jennifer and Mary Anne in
the lobby.

Well, I can't leave,
I don't have a story yet.

Champagne and sushi.

Cousin, how you can say
you don't have a story?

You interviewed Darla Wayne.

Well, I'd hardly
call it an interview.

We talked for ten minutes
about her new perfume

Suddenly Darla.
I got nothin.

Cousin, remember
what you told me?

Small. I said there were no
small stories and I was wrong.

This is a small story.

Look.

Over there is
Commissioner Albrechts

secretary stuffing
hors doeuvres into her purse.

And over there
is a guy who keeps

trying to sell me
life insurance.

Oh, my Lord.

What is it, cousin?
That's Marco Madison.

He's very big
in the underworld.

Really?
Yes.

Boxers or briefs?

Not underwear, underworld.
He's big in the underworld.

There he is.
Let's go.

Right behind you, boss.

Hey, pal.
Wanna have a little talk?

Well, I--
Now.

Balki, there may be
a story here yet.

I don't understand.
Now you don't understand.

MAN 1: I really don't know
what you're talking about?

MARCO: I think you know
exactly what I'm talking about.

You got it all wrong.
Get down, get down.

MALE 1:
I wouldn't double-cross you.

I, I thought
we were in this together.

You know my people.

MARCO:
Yeah, but I know
my people better.

They seem to be arguing
about something.

Balki, tape this for me.
No, no, cousin.

No, you-you distinctly said,
"Balki, stop it."

And then you took my...
You pulled it down... Ow.

Tape it.
Okay.

MARCO: You delivered the
stuff, and I want the money.

And don't lie.
I'm not lying.

What do you mean
you're not lying?

(GROANS)

(GASPS)

Oh, my Lord.

I knew it.

Every time Darla
gets married

somebody gets killed.

Boss, over there.

MARCO: Let's get em.

MALE 2: Boss,
he's got a camera.

Uh, no, no.
Uh-uh, it's not this one.

It's a blue Mercedes and
there's, uh, no one on
the hood.

Uh, right away.

I'll go with you.

Get those guys.
Run, cousin, run.

Get that camera.

This way, Balki.

Check the basket,
check the basket.

MALE 2: They must be
here somewhere.

Cousin, cousin, cousin.

Maybe this isn't the best
of all possible hiding places.

(ALL CHEERING)

I just...
I just wanna tell everyone

how very happy
I am to be here.

Where are we?
I don't know.

Congratulations, Darla.
Congratulations, Darla.

(CHATTERING)

Oh, look, who's that?
What are they doing here?

(GROANING)

Rosebud.
Oh, he said something.

What did he say?
I don't know.

Call the police!

Oh, he's dead.
That man is dead.

Call the police.

(ALL SCREAMING)

I hope we haven't missed them.

Oh, relax, Jennifer.
We're only a few minutes late.

Well, we wouldn't have
been late at all

He was a movie producer.

He was driving
an ice cream truck.

(GASPING)

Oh, hi. Something came up.
Call you later.

BALKI: You look lovely,
Mary Anne.

Thank you, Balki.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(HONKING)

What was that all about?

Oh, my God.

Those lucky stiffs.

Larry and Balki got parts
in a movie.

(GROANS)

Oh, damn it, Sheila.

Because we're on vacation.

And riding bicycles is
what people do in California.

It's something
I want to do in California.

(GASPING)

Look.

What are you doing?
What're you doing there?

Now don't do that.
What are you doing?

I'm sorry.
I know what you must think.

But you see, we were at
Darla Wayne's wedding

and there was, there was
a murder, there was a murder.

It was right after the ceremony
and before they cut the cake--

Balki.

But I just
want to explain, cousin.

(SCREAMING)

They stole our bike.

Is that something else
people do in California?

MALE 3: Out of my way.

* Rollin down

* The Imperial Highway

* With a big nasty
redhead at my side

* Santa Ana winds blowing
hot from the north

* And we was born to ride

* Roll down the window
put down the top

* Crank up the Beach Boys baby
don't let the music stop

* We're gonna ride it till
we just can't ride it no more

* From the South Bay
to the Valley

* From the West Side
to the East Side

* Everybody's very happy

* Cause the sun
is shining all the time

* Looks like another
perfect day

* I love L.A.

* We love it *

Balki!
Look out.

Sorry.
Coming through.

Sorry.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

Oh.
Come, come on. Come on.

BALKI: But, but cousin, I got
I gotta get the camera.

Balki, we're trapped.

No, cousin, no, we're not.

Oh, oh, oh.

We're dead men.
Cousin, we, we can jump.

We're still dead men.

We, we have to jump.

No. No. No.
We have to jump.

Now, come on.
Whoa! Oh, no. No.

Cousin, on the count of three.
Okay, ready?

One... Two... Three.

(SCREAMS)

Sorry, cousin. It, uh,
it was a natural mistake.

You said, "Jump."

Well, if you didn't mean
jump into the water

Learn to be specific.

jump into the water.

You could have hurt yourself.

when people are
trying to kill me.

Cousin, we got to get
to the police.

They'll protect us.

We can't go to the police.

200 people saw
a dead man in my arms

while I was holding the murder
weapon over his lifeless body.

Cousin, I videotaped
the murder.

The tape will
prove us innocent.

be anything
on that tape?

You are not the worlds greatest
cameraman, you know.

Now why don't we just
play that tape back?

Well, cousin, that's
going to be a little tough.

Well, no, it's not gonna be
a little tough.

You just put your finger
on the play button and push.

Well... The play button
has been replaced...

Okay, okay, all right.
It's not the end of the world.

All we need is
to, to find someplace

where we can
playback the tape.

A, a video store.

Of course, uh, we're not
familiar with the city.

So, so, we'll
have to get a map.

All we need is
the yellow pages and a map.

Of course, we have
no transportation.

So, so, uh, we, we'll
get a bus schedule.

So all we need is the yellow
pages, a map and a bus schedule.

Or we could go in there.

That's another way to go.

(CHATTERING)

Cousin, look at this.
Stop it.

No, thanks.
We're just looking.

Well, you came
at the right time.

Cousin, look at this.

We can get 25 percent off any
floor item with our good credit.

That's right,
during our sale

Let me get my money.
Uh, no, no, no thanks.

We're just looking.

We're just looking.

I hope you got this.

TV ANNOUNCER: An additional
clean-up crew is expected to
arrive on the scene.

This just in, earlier today
violence rocked the wedding

of soap opera star Marcy Eden
who plays Darla Wayne

on the popular daytime drama,
El Segundo.

The celebration was cut short
when two men posing as
reporters

brutally murdered one
of the wedding guests.

Cousin, cousin, cousin,
cousin... You've got to
see this.

Cousin, you've got
to pay attention.

Leave me alone,
we have got to see this.

Okay, okay. Okay, okay.
Leave me alone.

Police are searching
for the two assailants

tentatively identified as
Larry Appleton and Balki Bar...

Bart...
Bartokomous.

Cousin, you've got to...
You've just got to come. Please.

Balki, I am trying
to work on this VCR.

I am trying to work on it.

(INDISTINCT ARGUING)

Your listening skills have not
been honed. Listen.

The victim was an undercover
narcotics agent, Richard Tracy.

The two suspects are considered
armed and dangerous.

There they are.
Those are the killers.

The killers?
Hurry.

Balki, the tape is jammed.
Oh, God.

(CHATTERING)

Oh, my God.
They're the murderers.

All right, here we go.

Hey, hey. Wait. Stop.
They're taking my machine.

Cousin.
What is it?

Now come on.

Run.
Ah.

I hate Los Angeles.

It's smoggy, the only celebrity
Ive seen is Jerry Mathers

and two madmen stole
our rent-a-bike.

Herb, please.

We just had a bad morning,
that's all.

Now it's all over.

Now, let's just get in the car
and go to Disneyland.

Give me the keys.

Cousin.
It's them again.

Yeah, is this a small
world or what?

You're never gonna
guess what happened to us.

We were on the pier
and there was this

horrible miscommunication.

Now if I said jump...

Balki!
Balki, get in the car!

Get in the car! Get in!
Oh. Oh, God. God. God.

What're ya... That's my car.
You're doing that...

That's my car.

Whoa!

Let's go!

So anyway, uh... Then we ran
into that nice couple again

and they were nice enough
to lend us their car

which was really quite
generous of them.

Thank you, Balki.
You're most welcome.

(GUNSHOT)

Balki, I think
they're getting closer.

BALKI: Oh. Oh. Oh.

Uh, cousin,
don't worry about them.

Worry about that!

(SCREAMING)