Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 6, Episode 5 - Family Feud - full transcript
A man whose family have been having a feud with Balki's for a long time shows up to keep it up. When they trade barbs, Larry says something that offends him. So he challenges Larry to a duel with swords.
* Sometimes the world
looks perfect
* Nothing to rearrange
* Sometimes you just
get a feeling
* Like you need
some kind of change
* No matter what
the odds are this time
* Nothing's gonna
stand in my way
* This flame in my heart
like a long lost friend
* Gives every dark street
a light at the end
* Standing tall
* On the wings of my dreams
* Rise and fall
* On the wings of my dreams
* The rain and thunder
* The wind and haze
* I'm bound for better days
* It's my life and my dream
* Nothing's gonna stop me now *
Copy.
Balki... Ah!
Ah!
Look, you've been moping around
for two days now.
This secret thing
has gone on long enough.
Cousin, I have nothing to say.
and we are gonna talk about it
Right here right now.
Cousin, forget it. Wild pigs
couldn't drag it out of me.
Balki...
And that's final.
Well, it doesn't matter
whether you tell me or not.
I know everything.
Well, you didn't think you could
keep something like this
a secret, did you?
Oh, cousin.
You're right.
A feud?
A five-hundred-year-old feud?
as the feud between
the Bartokomouses
and the Bauchelitises
from Skeptos.
A five-hundred-year-old feud
Well, who else
would you feud with?
Well, who else indeed?
So Zoltan Bauchelitis will be
here Friday to fight the duel.
A duel?
You're gonna fight a duel?
Cousin, for someone
who knows everything
you, you seem surprised
you, you seem...shocked.
You seem like...like a person
who...who...
Yes, I tricked Balki.
And it's a good thing I did.
'Cause Balki wasn't going to
tell me about this duel.
Well, cousin, Balki didn't want
You have Balki's Bartokomous
blood in your body.
Beating in your heart.
Coursing through your veins.
Balki, you can't fight a duel.
A duel is savage,
cruel, primitive.
Oh, not this one, cousin.
First we do the basic ritual,
Crowing.
Then, we do the standard ritual,
Dance of Danger.
And then, of course,
there's the puppet show, and...
Finally we kuzotski until
one of us gets his ears boxed.
That's it?
You don't try to
kill each other?
That would take all the fun out
of the puppet show.
Now...let me get this straight.
A man is coming over here
to make arrangements
to fight a duel,
so he can hurt you real bad.
And you're serving him food?
What do you do when you go
to war? Have it catered?
Now, cousin, Zoltan is our guest
so we have to treat him
with respect and courtesy.
And, cousin,
this is very important.
The Bauchelitises...
...are very,
very sensitive
about their appearance.
So whatever you do
Don't say anything
about his crow's feet
or those lines around his eyes,
and most importantly...
Okay, Balki, Balki.
Listen, listen, never, ever--
Cousin, listen--
Balki--
The Appletons
have not fought a duel
for five or six
hundred years now.
Which would seem to indicate
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Cousin, just to be
on the safe side.
Don't let him know
you're my cousin.
Greetings, you Bartokomous
shydbok.
Welcome, you Bauchelitis
babasticki.
Make yourself comfortable.
My home is infested
by your presence.
Snout puff?
Who you calling a snout puff?
I made them myself.
Your snout puffs are a little
on the runny side.
You always
were a picky eater, Zoltan.
Oh, uh, you two, uh,
know each other?
We were bandage boys at the last
Bartokomous-Bauchelitis duel.
The good old days.
(BOTH SIGH)
Please, my sofa is soiled
by your sitting.
So, Zoltan, when would you like
to fight the duel?
Tomorrow, at sunset.
Agreed.
It's a done duel.
All right, now, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Two grown men
fighting like children?
Why is this person here?
He's not related to you, is he?
Let me handle this.
Cousin Larry is just a friend.
What? A cousin.
He's a Bartokomous.
Well, just barely.
Much like Tito
is one of the Jackson 5.
but I'm sure if you talk it out
No reason?
Your thieving Bartokomous
ancestor
sold my trusting ancestor an
anti-social near-sighted goat.
Who led the rest of the flock
over a cliff to their deaths.
I beg to quibble with you.
That goat was not near-sighted.
He was depressed.
And he committed suicide
because your insensitive
Bauchelitis ancestors
ignored his little goat cries
for help.
All right, all right, all right,
all right.
So, five hundred years ago
there was a horrible goat
tragedy.
It's time to let it go.
We will never reconcile
with a family
whose dishonesty stretches
as long as their noses.
We will not be insulted
by a family
whose honor is as small
as their loincloths.
Hold it.
Will you listen
to the two of you?
Your feud has become
nothing but silly insults.
You're-you're fighting
about how you look.
Now, I wouldn't fight a duel
if someone said I was short.
Well, of course not, cousin,
you'd be fighting every week.
And, Balki...
Balki, you wouldn't fight
a duel with me
if I said that, uh...
your feet were so big
they came into the room
five minutes before you did?
Ha.
I have big feet?
No, no.
Well...no, no.
But if I said you had big feet
you wouldn't fight a duel
with me over it, would you?
Well, no.
Well, there you go.
Well...
There you go.
Well...
And, Zoltan, you wouldn't
fight a duel with me
if I said that your...
Your eyebrows look like
a fur headband.
What?
Oh, cousin.
He didn't say your eyebrows look
like a fur headband.
He said he thought
he saw you before on Bandstand.
Yeah, that's it.
Oh, cousin.
Balki, I was just making...
You just don't know
what you did.
It was just a joke.
You're dead.
It was just a joke.
You're dead.
Now I said your eyebrows look
like a fur headband.
Oh, God.
Well, I guess it bothers
you a little bit.
Zakina boot.
Rak mordik inta.
Now, what was that all about?
Well, so?
You insulted his loincloth.
But, cousin, I told you the
Bauchelitises are very sensitive
about their appearances
and they're most especially
sensitive about their eyebrows.
Well, why didn't you tell me?
Because you wouldn't
let me get it in
Mr. My-family-hasn't-fought-
a-duel-in-five-hundred-years.
Well, the streak is over.
What are you talking about?
Cousin, Zoltan said, "Zakina
boot, Rak mordik inta."
That means...
Oh how do you conjugate zakina?
Zakini, zakino, zakina.
The duel is on, and I'm fighting
it with you, short, lipless one.
What do you mean, I'm fighting
the duel with Zoltan?
Cousin, he tweaked your nose.
Cousin, you have to.
No, I don't.
Cousin, if you refuse
to fight the duel
at the time agreed upon, then
Zoltan can attack you any time
any place without warning.
Zoltan didn't look
so tough to me.
Yeah, he may find out
Cousin, biting's against
the rules.
No, I mean I can
take care of myself.
Yeah, I might like
fightin' this guy.
Yeah, yeah, I'd like to
pay Zoltan back
for tweakin' my nose.
That hurt.
Well, cousin, since this is
your first Myposian duel
uh, maybe I should tell you
about it.
No need.
I know what to do.
I crow like a rooster.
Then we kuzotski until one of us
gets his ears boxed.
That is correct.
Here's the box
to put Zoltan's ears in.
What are you talking about?
What did you think boxing
his ears meant?
It's an expression. It means
to punch someone in the ear.
It is?
On Mypos it means
to cut off someone's ears
and put them in a box.
Oh, my lord.
Cousin, your worries are over.
Mama paid a visit
to the scroll mobile
and she sent me
Robert's Rules of Duels.
I'm sure there's something
in here to disqualify you.
It's not necessary, Balki.
I'm not fighting a duel.
Unlike Mypos,
this is a civilized country.
When someone threatens
to cut off your ears
you do the civilized thing.
You call the police,
and have them deported.
So it is "So long, Zoltan."
Let's go to dinner.
Cousin, cousin, I hope
you know what you're doing.
Just as I suspected.
Oh, yeah? Well,
if Cousin Larry was a coward
he'd be calling
the police right now.
9-1-1. 9-1-1. 9-1-1. 9-1-1.
Prepare to defend yourself,
Bartokomous pukiliki.
W...w...w...wait a minute,
wait a minute.
D...don't I have to crow
like a rooster first?
Zoltan, you're gonna love this.
Cousin Larry
does a terrific rooster.
Go ahead, cousin.
(IMITATES ROOSTER CROWING)
My blade thirsts for your ears.
Uh-oh.
As for the rest of
the preliminaries, I win them.
Balki, can he do that?
I'm afraid so, cousin.
Boy, you really
know your rules.
What about the puppet show?
Ooh, nice ear extensions
on the mask, Zoltan.
Thank you.
I'll give you a moment to gather
your puny Bartokomous nerve.
Cousin, cousin,
just stay away from him
until I can find a loophole.
Well, I don't know if I can.
Well, sure you can, cousin.
Zoltan might not be very good
with the kuzotski.
You think so?
but sometimes the skill
skips a generation.
Nice...nice slashing, Zoltan.
Balki, find a loophole.
Bauchelitis eterminiki.
A-ha!
Cousin, cousin, I think I found
a rule that can work for us.
Once you get your blood spilled
you get a free penalty hack.
Balki, that's not good enough.
Find a loophole
that doesn't require blood.
That's it.
Oh, thank God.
Well, Zoltan, good clean fight.
No hard feelings.
Cousin...that's just
the end of round one.
Round one?
Yeah, but don't worry, cousin.
After seven hundred and fifty
rounds it's declared a draw.
Round two begins now.
Can he do that?
Well, we'll appeal it, cousin.
En kuzotski.
No.
Ha! Oh!
Oh, boy.
I do?
Yeah.
He's trying to disembowel you
and if you die before he cuts
off your ears he loses the duel.
Rule 27, paragraph 3.
(GRUNTS)
Wave goodbye to your ears.
Balki.
Back off, Bauchelitis.
You can't interfere.
This is my fight.
My name is Balki Bartokomous.
You scared my cousin.
Prepare to lose your lobes.
(INTENSE MUSIC)
Balki, watch his left.
He favors his left.
Thanks, cousin.
Have you noticed his right
ain't too shabby, either?
(LAUGHS)
Ready when you are, Zoltan.
There's something
I think you should know.
What is that?
I can fence with both hands.
I'm amphibious.
Wow-wah.
Bartokomouki ekaniki!
Cousin.
Your ears are mine,
Bartokomous swine.
Go ahead, Zoltan.
Make my day.
Bartokomous, you have prevailed.
I give you my ears.
I give them back to you.
This feud has
gone on long enough.
It ends here.
Mama says that the feasting
went on for days
and, eh, they were going
to kill the fatted calf
but everyone was so happy
they decided to put it
on a diet instead.
Well, the end of a
five-hundred-year-old feud
is cause for celebration.
Yeah.
Oh, cousin, mama says there's
talk of a Bauchelitis marrying
a Bartokomous and everyone
is hoping that the baby
gets the Bartokomous eyebrows.
And the Bauchelitis nose.
Yeah.
Well, I'm just glad that
everything turned out all right.
Cousin, thank you for showing
me how futile the feud was.
Well, thank you
for saving my ears.
Oh! Guess what mama sent us to
commemorate the end of the duel.
A box of ears.
Oh, Oh.
Cousin, vegetables
are your friends.
(THEME MUSIC)
looks perfect
* Nothing to rearrange
* Sometimes you just
get a feeling
* Like you need
some kind of change
* No matter what
the odds are this time
* Nothing's gonna
stand in my way
* This flame in my heart
like a long lost friend
* Gives every dark street
a light at the end
* Standing tall
* On the wings of my dreams
* Rise and fall
* On the wings of my dreams
* The rain and thunder
* The wind and haze
* I'm bound for better days
* It's my life and my dream
* Nothing's gonna stop me now *
Copy.
Balki... Ah!
Ah!
Look, you've been moping around
for two days now.
This secret thing
has gone on long enough.
Cousin, I have nothing to say.
and we are gonna talk about it
Right here right now.
Cousin, forget it. Wild pigs
couldn't drag it out of me.
Balki...
And that's final.
Well, it doesn't matter
whether you tell me or not.
I know everything.
Well, you didn't think you could
keep something like this
a secret, did you?
Oh, cousin.
You're right.
A feud?
A five-hundred-year-old feud?
as the feud between
the Bartokomouses
and the Bauchelitises
from Skeptos.
A five-hundred-year-old feud
Well, who else
would you feud with?
Well, who else indeed?
So Zoltan Bauchelitis will be
here Friday to fight the duel.
A duel?
You're gonna fight a duel?
Cousin, for someone
who knows everything
you, you seem surprised
you, you seem...shocked.
You seem like...like a person
who...who...
Yes, I tricked Balki.
And it's a good thing I did.
'Cause Balki wasn't going to
tell me about this duel.
Well, cousin, Balki didn't want
You have Balki's Bartokomous
blood in your body.
Beating in your heart.
Coursing through your veins.
Balki, you can't fight a duel.
A duel is savage,
cruel, primitive.
Oh, not this one, cousin.
First we do the basic ritual,
Crowing.
Then, we do the standard ritual,
Dance of Danger.
And then, of course,
there's the puppet show, and...
Finally we kuzotski until
one of us gets his ears boxed.
That's it?
You don't try to
kill each other?
That would take all the fun out
of the puppet show.
Now...let me get this straight.
A man is coming over here
to make arrangements
to fight a duel,
so he can hurt you real bad.
And you're serving him food?
What do you do when you go
to war? Have it catered?
Now, cousin, Zoltan is our guest
so we have to treat him
with respect and courtesy.
And, cousin,
this is very important.
The Bauchelitises...
...are very,
very sensitive
about their appearance.
So whatever you do
Don't say anything
about his crow's feet
or those lines around his eyes,
and most importantly...
Okay, Balki, Balki.
Listen, listen, never, ever--
Cousin, listen--
Balki--
The Appletons
have not fought a duel
for five or six
hundred years now.
Which would seem to indicate
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Cousin, just to be
on the safe side.
Don't let him know
you're my cousin.
Greetings, you Bartokomous
shydbok.
Welcome, you Bauchelitis
babasticki.
Make yourself comfortable.
My home is infested
by your presence.
Snout puff?
Who you calling a snout puff?
I made them myself.
Your snout puffs are a little
on the runny side.
You always
were a picky eater, Zoltan.
Oh, uh, you two, uh,
know each other?
We were bandage boys at the last
Bartokomous-Bauchelitis duel.
The good old days.
(BOTH SIGH)
Please, my sofa is soiled
by your sitting.
So, Zoltan, when would you like
to fight the duel?
Tomorrow, at sunset.
Agreed.
It's a done duel.
All right, now, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Two grown men
fighting like children?
Why is this person here?
He's not related to you, is he?
Let me handle this.
Cousin Larry is just a friend.
What? A cousin.
He's a Bartokomous.
Well, just barely.
Much like Tito
is one of the Jackson 5.
but I'm sure if you talk it out
No reason?
Your thieving Bartokomous
ancestor
sold my trusting ancestor an
anti-social near-sighted goat.
Who led the rest of the flock
over a cliff to their deaths.
I beg to quibble with you.
That goat was not near-sighted.
He was depressed.
And he committed suicide
because your insensitive
Bauchelitis ancestors
ignored his little goat cries
for help.
All right, all right, all right,
all right.
So, five hundred years ago
there was a horrible goat
tragedy.
It's time to let it go.
We will never reconcile
with a family
whose dishonesty stretches
as long as their noses.
We will not be insulted
by a family
whose honor is as small
as their loincloths.
Hold it.
Will you listen
to the two of you?
Your feud has become
nothing but silly insults.
You're-you're fighting
about how you look.
Now, I wouldn't fight a duel
if someone said I was short.
Well, of course not, cousin,
you'd be fighting every week.
And, Balki...
Balki, you wouldn't fight
a duel with me
if I said that, uh...
your feet were so big
they came into the room
five minutes before you did?
Ha.
I have big feet?
No, no.
Well...no, no.
But if I said you had big feet
you wouldn't fight a duel
with me over it, would you?
Well, no.
Well, there you go.
Well...
There you go.
Well...
And, Zoltan, you wouldn't
fight a duel with me
if I said that your...
Your eyebrows look like
a fur headband.
What?
Oh, cousin.
He didn't say your eyebrows look
like a fur headband.
He said he thought
he saw you before on Bandstand.
Yeah, that's it.
Oh, cousin.
Balki, I was just making...
You just don't know
what you did.
It was just a joke.
You're dead.
It was just a joke.
You're dead.
Now I said your eyebrows look
like a fur headband.
Oh, God.
Well, I guess it bothers
you a little bit.
Zakina boot.
Rak mordik inta.
Now, what was that all about?
Well, so?
You insulted his loincloth.
But, cousin, I told you the
Bauchelitises are very sensitive
about their appearances
and they're most especially
sensitive about their eyebrows.
Well, why didn't you tell me?
Because you wouldn't
let me get it in
Mr. My-family-hasn't-fought-
a-duel-in-five-hundred-years.
Well, the streak is over.
What are you talking about?
Cousin, Zoltan said, "Zakina
boot, Rak mordik inta."
That means...
Oh how do you conjugate zakina?
Zakini, zakino, zakina.
The duel is on, and I'm fighting
it with you, short, lipless one.
What do you mean, I'm fighting
the duel with Zoltan?
Cousin, he tweaked your nose.
Cousin, you have to.
No, I don't.
Cousin, if you refuse
to fight the duel
at the time agreed upon, then
Zoltan can attack you any time
any place without warning.
Zoltan didn't look
so tough to me.
Yeah, he may find out
Cousin, biting's against
the rules.
No, I mean I can
take care of myself.
Yeah, I might like
fightin' this guy.
Yeah, yeah, I'd like to
pay Zoltan back
for tweakin' my nose.
That hurt.
Well, cousin, since this is
your first Myposian duel
uh, maybe I should tell you
about it.
No need.
I know what to do.
I crow like a rooster.
Then we kuzotski until one of us
gets his ears boxed.
That is correct.
Here's the box
to put Zoltan's ears in.
What are you talking about?
What did you think boxing
his ears meant?
It's an expression. It means
to punch someone in the ear.
It is?
On Mypos it means
to cut off someone's ears
and put them in a box.
Oh, my lord.
Cousin, your worries are over.
Mama paid a visit
to the scroll mobile
and she sent me
Robert's Rules of Duels.
I'm sure there's something
in here to disqualify you.
It's not necessary, Balki.
I'm not fighting a duel.
Unlike Mypos,
this is a civilized country.
When someone threatens
to cut off your ears
you do the civilized thing.
You call the police,
and have them deported.
So it is "So long, Zoltan."
Let's go to dinner.
Cousin, cousin, I hope
you know what you're doing.
Just as I suspected.
Oh, yeah? Well,
if Cousin Larry was a coward
he'd be calling
the police right now.
9-1-1. 9-1-1. 9-1-1. 9-1-1.
Prepare to defend yourself,
Bartokomous pukiliki.
W...w...w...wait a minute,
wait a minute.
D...don't I have to crow
like a rooster first?
Zoltan, you're gonna love this.
Cousin Larry
does a terrific rooster.
Go ahead, cousin.
(IMITATES ROOSTER CROWING)
My blade thirsts for your ears.
Uh-oh.
As for the rest of
the preliminaries, I win them.
Balki, can he do that?
I'm afraid so, cousin.
Boy, you really
know your rules.
What about the puppet show?
Ooh, nice ear extensions
on the mask, Zoltan.
Thank you.
I'll give you a moment to gather
your puny Bartokomous nerve.
Cousin, cousin,
just stay away from him
until I can find a loophole.
Well, I don't know if I can.
Well, sure you can, cousin.
Zoltan might not be very good
with the kuzotski.
You think so?
but sometimes the skill
skips a generation.
Nice...nice slashing, Zoltan.
Balki, find a loophole.
Bauchelitis eterminiki.
A-ha!
Cousin, cousin, I think I found
a rule that can work for us.
Once you get your blood spilled
you get a free penalty hack.
Balki, that's not good enough.
Find a loophole
that doesn't require blood.
That's it.
Oh, thank God.
Well, Zoltan, good clean fight.
No hard feelings.
Cousin...that's just
the end of round one.
Round one?
Yeah, but don't worry, cousin.
After seven hundred and fifty
rounds it's declared a draw.
Round two begins now.
Can he do that?
Well, we'll appeal it, cousin.
En kuzotski.
No.
Ha! Oh!
Oh, boy.
I do?
Yeah.
He's trying to disembowel you
and if you die before he cuts
off your ears he loses the duel.
Rule 27, paragraph 3.
(GRUNTS)
Wave goodbye to your ears.
Balki.
Back off, Bauchelitis.
You can't interfere.
This is my fight.
My name is Balki Bartokomous.
You scared my cousin.
Prepare to lose your lobes.
(INTENSE MUSIC)
Balki, watch his left.
He favors his left.
Thanks, cousin.
Have you noticed his right
ain't too shabby, either?
(LAUGHS)
Ready when you are, Zoltan.
There's something
I think you should know.
What is that?
I can fence with both hands.
I'm amphibious.
Wow-wah.
Bartokomouki ekaniki!
Cousin.
Your ears are mine,
Bartokomous swine.
Go ahead, Zoltan.
Make my day.
Bartokomous, you have prevailed.
I give you my ears.
I give them back to you.
This feud has
gone on long enough.
It ends here.
Mama says that the feasting
went on for days
and, eh, they were going
to kill the fatted calf
but everyone was so happy
they decided to put it
on a diet instead.
Well, the end of a
five-hundred-year-old feud
is cause for celebration.
Yeah.
Oh, cousin, mama says there's
talk of a Bauchelitis marrying
a Bartokomous and everyone
is hoping that the baby
gets the Bartokomous eyebrows.
And the Bauchelitis nose.
Yeah.
Well, I'm just glad that
everything turned out all right.
Cousin, thank you for showing
me how futile the feud was.
Well, thank you
for saving my ears.
Oh! Guess what mama sent us to
commemorate the end of the duel.
A box of ears.
Oh, Oh.
Cousin, vegetables
are your friends.
(THEME MUSIC)