Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 6, Episode 4 - A Horse Is a Horse - full transcript
* Sometimes
the world looks perfect
* Nothing to rearrange
* Sometimes you just
get a feeling
* Like you need
some kind of change
* No matter what the odds
are this time
* Nothing's gonna
stand in my way
* This flame in my heart
like a long lost friend
* Gives every dark street
a light at the end
* Standing tall
* On the wings of my dream
* Rise and fall
* On the wings of my dream
* The rain and thunder
* The wind and haze
* I'm bound for better days
* It's my life and my dream
* Nothing's gonna
stop me now *
Whoa! Appleton, watch it.
You almost had
a very expensive lawsuit
on your hands.
(STAMMERS) I'm sorry,
Mr. Gorpley. I'm just
a little excited.
I just bought
a racehorse!
Where did you get the money
to buy a racehorse?
No, that's the beauty of it.
This horse only cost $2,200.
Oh, I get it. It's stuffed.
No, the reason
it is so cheap is
because the guy
who sold it to me
and he's got to liquidate
all his assets,
It won't work.
They find everything.
Tell him he can
kiss his assets goodbye.
* You can't touch this
(HUMMING TUNE)
* Stop! Hammer time
(HUMMING)
* Break it down
* Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh...
Balki, I have something
to tell you. Balki...
BOTH:
* Oh-oh-oh oh-oh-oh
oh-oh-oh-oh
* Oh-oh
* Every time you see me
that Hammer's just so hype
* I'm dope on the floor
and I'm magic on the mic
* Now why would
I ever stop doing this
* When others makin' records
that just don't hit
* I've toured around the world
from London to the Bay
* It's Hammer
Go Hammer MC Hammer
* Yo Hammer
And the rest can go and play
* Can't touch this *
Cousin, how was your
afternoon at the races?
Oh! Oh!
Balki.
Balki, it was a great day.
I bought a horse.
Get out of the city!
Yeah, it was fate, Balki.
It was fate.
It was meant to be.
The horse's name
is Larry's Fortune.
(STAMMERS) Well,
I don't exactly own him yet.
See, I gave the guy
half the money
and unless I give him
the other half
I lose the first half.
So what do you say, buddy?
How would you like to be the
co-owner of Larry's Fortune?
Oh, cousin, I would love
to own a horse again.
I had a horse on Mypos.
His name was Trotski.
Oh, I raised him
from when he was just a baby.
He could plow 40 acres
in half a day.
That Trotski
could work like a horse.
And still, he had the energy
left over for fun.
One day, I, uh,
I started giving
rides to the little
children on his back.
My back was out that day...
Yeah, Balki, Balki...
Balki, buddy, buddy, baby.
Why don't we talk about
your horse another time?
Let's talk about our horse!
Are you in?
Well, you know, I,
I try to be kind of fresh...
(SNAPS FINGERS)
Kind of happenin',
kind of in.
(SNAPS FINGERS)
No, I mean, are you with me?
Well, of course
I'm with you.
No, I mean, you're gonna
buy the damn horse?
Yeah.
You are?
Sure.
Good!
so that the horse
will have something to do.
You know what they say,
No, no, no, Balki, uh,
this is not a farm animal.
This is a racehorse.
One of the fastest
creatures on Earth.
We are going to race him!
(LAUGHS)
Cousin, give me
a line of credit.
We could never run
faster than a horse!
Gee, when you look
through this end
everything looks so far away.
Ah, this is a perfect day.
The sun is shining,
the birds are singing.
Appleton's gonna
lose his shirt.
Life is good.
What is it, kitten?
Well, do you think
it was a good idea
to use our honeymoon money
to buy this horse?
Kitten, kitten, kitten...
If... Excuse me,
when Larry's Fortune
wins this race,
we'll be able to go
anywhere you want.
Well, I just wish you had
discussed it with me first.
And, Larry...
Don't call me "kitten."
You're right.
...cupcake.
ANNOUNCER: (ON SPEAKERS)
A reminder,
pick six wagering
begins with this,
the fourth race.
Oh!
Cousin Larry, we don't have
a thing to worry about.
Cousin Larry's Fortune
is ready for the race.
He was a little nervous at
first, but he calmed right down
when I sang
Danke Schoen to him.
And, cousin, you're not
going to believe this,
but the man riding him
is even shorter than you!
(TRUMPET BLOWING)
Mary Anne, look! There he is!
Cousin Larry's Fortune!
Oh, Balki, he's beautiful.
I combed his mane myself.
I tried giving him a ponytail,
but it seemed redundant.
ANNOUNCER: It's time
for the fourth race...
This is it, Jennifer.
You just start thinking about
where you wanna spend
our honeymoon.
ANNOUNCER: The flag is up!
(BUZZING)
They're off!
Silent Gold
is right alongside second
followed by Paris Red
coming third...
Where's Larry's Fortune?
(INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT)
...and trailing back by some
40 lengths is Larry's Fortune.
There he is!
What's he doing back there?
It looks like walking to me.
BALKI: Oh, cousin,
look how handsome he is.
He's not sweating and breathing
hard like all the other horses.
Well, he's 50 lengths behind!
Come on, Paris Red!
That's it! Come on!
(ANNOUNCER CONTINUES)
Way to go!
Way to go! I won!
I won! What a surprise.
(LAUGHS)
Well, gee, I guess I'll just go
collect my, uh, winnings.
It's really a shame
they wouldn't let me bet
on the horse
that was gonna finish last.
I had that right, too.
I've gotta go.
I got lucky, too.
Did you pick a winner?
I sure did!
I don't believe it!
I could have run
faster than that.
I don't think so.
At least not
with a man on your back.
I lost.
Well, it was a lot easier
to see Larry's Fortune
without all those other
horses around him.
I lost!
I guess this is
a bad time to tell you
where I was hoping to go
on our honeymoon.
I lost big.
There you are,
Cousin Larry's Fortune.
Is this what you've
been waiting for?
I was so proud of you today!
You were so polite
in that race.
You didn't push and shove
your way ahead of the others.
What is wrong with you?
I mean,
they had to delay the start
of the next race
because of you.
Cousin, you are really hung up
on this winning/losing thing.
of the positive space
we're in?
MAN: Excuse me.
Oh, my God, he can talk!
This could be a whole
new career for him!
MAN: I'm Dr. Tierney.
He does Dr. Tierney.
Who's Dr. Tierney?
I'm Dr. Tierney.
You should hear him do you.
Balki, it wasn't the horse.
It was the doctor talking.
Are you the owners
of this horse?
Yes, I'm Larry Appleton.
And this is my co-owner,
Balki Bartokomous.
I'm the track veterinarian.
You know, I don't eat
a whole lot of red meat myself.
Not "vegetarian."
"Veterinarian."
Veterinarian.
Oh! (LAUGHS)
I'm sorry. Which war?
Horse doctor!
He's a horse doctor!
I just finished
examining your horse
and I'm afraid
we got a problem here.
It appears he's suffering
from Wright's Syndrome.
It's a lung disorder,
and I'm sorry to say
it has no known cure.
I'm afraid the only thing
you can do is put him to sleep.
I can take care of it
in the morning.
Thank you.
(FAUCET RUNNING)
(SIGHS)
(SIGHS)
(BANGING ON DOOR)
LARRY: Balki!
Balki, get out here
this minute!
Cousin,
what's all the yelling about?
Balki, what is that horse
doing in our apartment?
(PANTING)
What horse?
Balki!
Balki. Balki, this is crazy!
You cannot keep a horse
in an apartment.
Oh, cousin, please, please,
please!
It's the only way
I can cure him.
Cousin, just say yes!
Balki, you heard Dr. Tierney,
there is no cure.
Cousin, he said,
"No known cure."
I just want to use
an old remedy we use on Mypos.
It works on sheep,
and you can use
what's left over
to weatherproof your henhouse.
Can you believe they're getting
$8.95 a pound for yak tail?
Balki,
the horse can't stay here.
Cousin, all I need is 48 hours
to see if the cure will work.
Balki, he's a horse!
You don't keep a horse
in an apartment.
How can I possibly
lose this argument?
Okay, okay, fine, cousin.
You want to tell the horse,
you tell him yourself.
Come here,
Cousin Larry's Fortune.
Now...
You look this gifted horse
in the mouth
and tell him
there's no room at the inn.
Come on,
give Cousin Larry a kiss.
Give him a kiss.
All right, you can keep
Larry's Fortune
Thank you, cousin.
So, this is it.
You're just going to sit there
not taking your medicine.
I worked my fingers to the bone,
chopping and grating,
not to mention pureeing...
And this is the thanks I get?
I want you to know you're
putting a knife in my heart.
All right, come on,
Cousin Larry's Fortune
just, just try it.
I ground the buzzard bones
extra fine.
Come on. Come on.
Cousin Larry,
I need your help again.
Balki, I did it twice yesterday
and once this morning.
Please, don't make me
do it again.
Do you want Cousin Larry's
Fortune to get better?
Yes.
And don't kink the straw
like you did last time.
Don't push me, Balki.
Mmm...
Mmm...
Good medicine.
(SLURPING) Mmm!
Oh! Can I have all of this?
No, Cousin Larry.
No. No. No. No. No. No.
Well, okay,
if I have to, I have to.
Good boy.
(SLURPING)
Oh, good boy.
Oh, that's a good horsey.
You'll be trotting
around in no time.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Oh, here, take this.
Oh, hi, Mary Anne.
Hi, Jennifer.
Hi, Fortune.
Does he like
carrot cake, Balki?
I even planted carrots
in the window box.
They should be up by spring.
Look what else
we brought you, Fortune.
I'll get the plates.
Oh! Wow!
Look at that!
Aren't you a lucky horse?
And the red really brings out
the highlights in your mane.
We thought that would
come in handy this winter.
You know how drafty
it gets in here.
BALKI: Yeah.
LARRY: Carrots in the spring?
A blanket for the winter?
Am I the only one
who sees a problem
with having a horse
in the apartment?
Calm down, Larry.
Yeah, cousin, he's having
a much better day today
than he did yesterday.
I think it was that
bubble bath we gave him.
Well, maybe he is
getting better.
He does seem to have
a little more color.
Mmm-hmm.
Oh, no, no, no.
Before you get dessert,
Oh, no, no.
Okay, cousin.
You know what to do.
Yeah, yeah.
Mmm. Mmm.
Oh.
Yeah.
Mmm, mmm, good medicine.
Mmm...
(COUGHS)
Balki. It's almost time
for Mr. Ed.
I'll get the popcorn.
You get the...
Is he taking a little nap?
Cousin, we have to talk.
Cousin, I'm afraid
Cousin Larry's Fortune
has taken a turn
for the worse.
He's been lying down
all morning.
If the medicine,
was going to work,
he'd be
on his feet by now.
(STAMMERS) Well,
we'll give him more medicine.
I think he was really starting
to like the buzzard bones.
Uh, I know I was.
(STAMMERS) Well, here...
Cousin, Cousin Larry...
Here, Fortune. Come on.
Come on. Here. Here.
Look, good... Here.
Cousin, cousin, excuse me.
Good medicine. Good medicine.
What are you doing?
Just taking off the parsley.
Balki,
I don't like parsley.
Cousin,
it's not a decorative touch.
It's the secret
power ingredient.
It flushes toxins
out of the pancreas
and freshens the breath.
Balki, I've taken off
the parsley every time.
Parsley!
Parsley.
Nothing's happening.
Just a minute. Just a minute.
It's gliding down
his elementary canal...
It's, it's...
It's shimmying
through his stomach.
And it should be
hitting his pancreas...
...now!
I guess... I guess we...
We waited a little too long.
Sorry, buddy.
(HORSE GRUNTING)
Cousin Larry's Fortune!
You're cured! You're cured!
Cousin, we did it!
We did it! We saved him!
Balki, you did it.
I can't share the credit.
Why not, cousin?
You shared the medicine.
(INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT)
I think it's very nice
that the new owners
are going to race
Larry's Fortune again.
Well, it's nice,
but it's, uh, not very smart.
Fortune's new owners, uh,
gave me $2,000 for a horse
that's the longest shot
in the race. Look at that.
Fortune's going off
at ninety-nine to one.
when you're calm.
Hey, I'm just here to spend
a nice afternoon at the races.
ANNOUNCER:
Horses and riders board
the fifth race at the gates.
I can't wait to see Cousin
Larry's Fortune run again.
We just saw him in the paddock.
He looked really frisky.
Well, that's one of the
side effects of the cure.
Side effects?
Beg pardon?
"Side effects of the cure"?
Oh, yeah, the cure
sure makes them frisky.
Puts a beautiful shine
on their coats,
makes them run like the wind...
Sometimes it gives
them the hiccups.
What was that?
Don't worry, cousin, you just
make them breathe
into a paper bag,
and the hiccups go away.
(STAMMERS) No, I mean,
what was that
run-like-the-wind thing?
Well, when, when we give
the cure to the sheep,
they run so fast
the poor sheepdogs
can't keep up with them.
(STAMMERS) Well, why
didn't you say something?
Quite frankly, cousin,
Not to speak of.
Wait a minute.
ANNOUNCER:
And they're off.
No! No! How can they be off
when I've got
a 99-to-one sure thing?
When I can't get a bet down!
Why does this always
happen to me?
You did? You did?
God bless you!
Come on, Fortune! Come on!
Come on!
Come on!
Balki! Balki!
Thank you! Thank you.
Come on!
Wow!
Come on, Fortune!
(INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT)
(ALL CHEERING)
Balki! Balki,
I don't know how to thank you.
You have made us rich!
Oh!
How much did you bet?
$100? $200?
Well, uh, no.
$300?
You bet $300?
That means we won $30,000.
Oh!
Did you bet $300?
Uh...
That's okay. That's okay.
What'd you bet, $100?
That means we won $10,000.
Ow!
Still enough for
a darn nice trip!
Well, I think the important
thing is that Fortune won.
Well, it's one of the
important things, Mary Anne.
Balki, how much did you bet?
Two bucks, two bucks, all on
the nose, right on the nose.
Two dollars?
Yeah.
Two dollars?
Larry, you won $200.
Yeah... (MUMBLES)
That's... That's just enough
to repair the hoof damage
to the bathtub.
He only bet $2.
(SOBBING)
(WHINING)
the world looks perfect
* Nothing to rearrange
* Sometimes you just
get a feeling
* Like you need
some kind of change
* No matter what the odds
are this time
* Nothing's gonna
stand in my way
* This flame in my heart
like a long lost friend
* Gives every dark street
a light at the end
* Standing tall
* On the wings of my dream
* Rise and fall
* On the wings of my dream
* The rain and thunder
* The wind and haze
* I'm bound for better days
* It's my life and my dream
* Nothing's gonna
stop me now *
Whoa! Appleton, watch it.
You almost had
a very expensive lawsuit
on your hands.
(STAMMERS) I'm sorry,
Mr. Gorpley. I'm just
a little excited.
I just bought
a racehorse!
Where did you get the money
to buy a racehorse?
No, that's the beauty of it.
This horse only cost $2,200.
Oh, I get it. It's stuffed.
No, the reason
it is so cheap is
because the guy
who sold it to me
and he's got to liquidate
all his assets,
It won't work.
They find everything.
Tell him he can
kiss his assets goodbye.
* You can't touch this
(HUMMING TUNE)
* Stop! Hammer time
(HUMMING)
* Break it down
* Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh...
Balki, I have something
to tell you. Balki...
BOTH:
* Oh-oh-oh oh-oh-oh
oh-oh-oh-oh
* Oh-oh
* Every time you see me
that Hammer's just so hype
* I'm dope on the floor
and I'm magic on the mic
* Now why would
I ever stop doing this
* When others makin' records
that just don't hit
* I've toured around the world
from London to the Bay
* It's Hammer
Go Hammer MC Hammer
* Yo Hammer
And the rest can go and play
* Can't touch this *
Cousin, how was your
afternoon at the races?
Oh! Oh!
Balki.
Balki, it was a great day.
I bought a horse.
Get out of the city!
Yeah, it was fate, Balki.
It was fate.
It was meant to be.
The horse's name
is Larry's Fortune.
(STAMMERS) Well,
I don't exactly own him yet.
See, I gave the guy
half the money
and unless I give him
the other half
I lose the first half.
So what do you say, buddy?
How would you like to be the
co-owner of Larry's Fortune?
Oh, cousin, I would love
to own a horse again.
I had a horse on Mypos.
His name was Trotski.
Oh, I raised him
from when he was just a baby.
He could plow 40 acres
in half a day.
That Trotski
could work like a horse.
And still, he had the energy
left over for fun.
One day, I, uh,
I started giving
rides to the little
children on his back.
My back was out that day...
Yeah, Balki, Balki...
Balki, buddy, buddy, baby.
Why don't we talk about
your horse another time?
Let's talk about our horse!
Are you in?
Well, you know, I,
I try to be kind of fresh...
(SNAPS FINGERS)
Kind of happenin',
kind of in.
(SNAPS FINGERS)
No, I mean, are you with me?
Well, of course
I'm with you.
No, I mean, you're gonna
buy the damn horse?
Yeah.
You are?
Sure.
Good!
so that the horse
will have something to do.
You know what they say,
No, no, no, Balki, uh,
this is not a farm animal.
This is a racehorse.
One of the fastest
creatures on Earth.
We are going to race him!
(LAUGHS)
Cousin, give me
a line of credit.
We could never run
faster than a horse!
Gee, when you look
through this end
everything looks so far away.
Ah, this is a perfect day.
The sun is shining,
the birds are singing.
Appleton's gonna
lose his shirt.
Life is good.
What is it, kitten?
Well, do you think
it was a good idea
to use our honeymoon money
to buy this horse?
Kitten, kitten, kitten...
If... Excuse me,
when Larry's Fortune
wins this race,
we'll be able to go
anywhere you want.
Well, I just wish you had
discussed it with me first.
And, Larry...
Don't call me "kitten."
You're right.
...cupcake.
ANNOUNCER: (ON SPEAKERS)
A reminder,
pick six wagering
begins with this,
the fourth race.
Oh!
Cousin Larry, we don't have
a thing to worry about.
Cousin Larry's Fortune
is ready for the race.
He was a little nervous at
first, but he calmed right down
when I sang
Danke Schoen to him.
And, cousin, you're not
going to believe this,
but the man riding him
is even shorter than you!
(TRUMPET BLOWING)
Mary Anne, look! There he is!
Cousin Larry's Fortune!
Oh, Balki, he's beautiful.
I combed his mane myself.
I tried giving him a ponytail,
but it seemed redundant.
ANNOUNCER: It's time
for the fourth race...
This is it, Jennifer.
You just start thinking about
where you wanna spend
our honeymoon.
ANNOUNCER: The flag is up!
(BUZZING)
They're off!
Silent Gold
is right alongside second
followed by Paris Red
coming third...
Where's Larry's Fortune?
(INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT)
...and trailing back by some
40 lengths is Larry's Fortune.
There he is!
What's he doing back there?
It looks like walking to me.
BALKI: Oh, cousin,
look how handsome he is.
He's not sweating and breathing
hard like all the other horses.
Well, he's 50 lengths behind!
Come on, Paris Red!
That's it! Come on!
(ANNOUNCER CONTINUES)
Way to go!
Way to go! I won!
I won! What a surprise.
(LAUGHS)
Well, gee, I guess I'll just go
collect my, uh, winnings.
It's really a shame
they wouldn't let me bet
on the horse
that was gonna finish last.
I had that right, too.
I've gotta go.
I got lucky, too.
Did you pick a winner?
I sure did!
I don't believe it!
I could have run
faster than that.
I don't think so.
At least not
with a man on your back.
I lost.
Well, it was a lot easier
to see Larry's Fortune
without all those other
horses around him.
I lost!
I guess this is
a bad time to tell you
where I was hoping to go
on our honeymoon.
I lost big.
There you are,
Cousin Larry's Fortune.
Is this what you've
been waiting for?
I was so proud of you today!
You were so polite
in that race.
You didn't push and shove
your way ahead of the others.
What is wrong with you?
I mean,
they had to delay the start
of the next race
because of you.
Cousin, you are really hung up
on this winning/losing thing.
of the positive space
we're in?
MAN: Excuse me.
Oh, my God, he can talk!
This could be a whole
new career for him!
MAN: I'm Dr. Tierney.
He does Dr. Tierney.
Who's Dr. Tierney?
I'm Dr. Tierney.
You should hear him do you.
Balki, it wasn't the horse.
It was the doctor talking.
Are you the owners
of this horse?
Yes, I'm Larry Appleton.
And this is my co-owner,
Balki Bartokomous.
I'm the track veterinarian.
You know, I don't eat
a whole lot of red meat myself.
Not "vegetarian."
"Veterinarian."
Veterinarian.
Oh! (LAUGHS)
I'm sorry. Which war?
Horse doctor!
He's a horse doctor!
I just finished
examining your horse
and I'm afraid
we got a problem here.
It appears he's suffering
from Wright's Syndrome.
It's a lung disorder,
and I'm sorry to say
it has no known cure.
I'm afraid the only thing
you can do is put him to sleep.
I can take care of it
in the morning.
Thank you.
(FAUCET RUNNING)
(SIGHS)
(SIGHS)
(BANGING ON DOOR)
LARRY: Balki!
Balki, get out here
this minute!
Cousin,
what's all the yelling about?
Balki, what is that horse
doing in our apartment?
(PANTING)
What horse?
Balki!
Balki. Balki, this is crazy!
You cannot keep a horse
in an apartment.
Oh, cousin, please, please,
please!
It's the only way
I can cure him.
Cousin, just say yes!
Balki, you heard Dr. Tierney,
there is no cure.
Cousin, he said,
"No known cure."
I just want to use
an old remedy we use on Mypos.
It works on sheep,
and you can use
what's left over
to weatherproof your henhouse.
Can you believe they're getting
$8.95 a pound for yak tail?
Balki,
the horse can't stay here.
Cousin, all I need is 48 hours
to see if the cure will work.
Balki, he's a horse!
You don't keep a horse
in an apartment.
How can I possibly
lose this argument?
Okay, okay, fine, cousin.
You want to tell the horse,
you tell him yourself.
Come here,
Cousin Larry's Fortune.
Now...
You look this gifted horse
in the mouth
and tell him
there's no room at the inn.
Come on,
give Cousin Larry a kiss.
Give him a kiss.
All right, you can keep
Larry's Fortune
Thank you, cousin.
So, this is it.
You're just going to sit there
not taking your medicine.
I worked my fingers to the bone,
chopping and grating,
not to mention pureeing...
And this is the thanks I get?
I want you to know you're
putting a knife in my heart.
All right, come on,
Cousin Larry's Fortune
just, just try it.
I ground the buzzard bones
extra fine.
Come on. Come on.
Cousin Larry,
I need your help again.
Balki, I did it twice yesterday
and once this morning.
Please, don't make me
do it again.
Do you want Cousin Larry's
Fortune to get better?
Yes.
And don't kink the straw
like you did last time.
Don't push me, Balki.
Mmm...
Mmm...
Good medicine.
(SLURPING) Mmm!
Oh! Can I have all of this?
No, Cousin Larry.
No. No. No. No. No. No.
Well, okay,
if I have to, I have to.
Good boy.
(SLURPING)
Oh, good boy.
Oh, that's a good horsey.
You'll be trotting
around in no time.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Oh, here, take this.
Oh, hi, Mary Anne.
Hi, Jennifer.
Hi, Fortune.
Does he like
carrot cake, Balki?
I even planted carrots
in the window box.
They should be up by spring.
Look what else
we brought you, Fortune.
I'll get the plates.
Oh! Wow!
Look at that!
Aren't you a lucky horse?
And the red really brings out
the highlights in your mane.
We thought that would
come in handy this winter.
You know how drafty
it gets in here.
BALKI: Yeah.
LARRY: Carrots in the spring?
A blanket for the winter?
Am I the only one
who sees a problem
with having a horse
in the apartment?
Calm down, Larry.
Yeah, cousin, he's having
a much better day today
than he did yesterday.
I think it was that
bubble bath we gave him.
Well, maybe he is
getting better.
He does seem to have
a little more color.
Mmm-hmm.
Oh, no, no, no.
Before you get dessert,
Oh, no, no.
Okay, cousin.
You know what to do.
Yeah, yeah.
Mmm. Mmm.
Oh.
Yeah.
Mmm, mmm, good medicine.
Mmm...
(COUGHS)
Balki. It's almost time
for Mr. Ed.
I'll get the popcorn.
You get the...
Is he taking a little nap?
Cousin, we have to talk.
Cousin, I'm afraid
Cousin Larry's Fortune
has taken a turn
for the worse.
He's been lying down
all morning.
If the medicine,
was going to work,
he'd be
on his feet by now.
(STAMMERS) Well,
we'll give him more medicine.
I think he was really starting
to like the buzzard bones.
Uh, I know I was.
(STAMMERS) Well, here...
Cousin, Cousin Larry...
Here, Fortune. Come on.
Come on. Here. Here.
Look, good... Here.
Cousin, cousin, excuse me.
Good medicine. Good medicine.
What are you doing?
Just taking off the parsley.
Balki,
I don't like parsley.
Cousin,
it's not a decorative touch.
It's the secret
power ingredient.
It flushes toxins
out of the pancreas
and freshens the breath.
Balki, I've taken off
the parsley every time.
Parsley!
Parsley.
Nothing's happening.
Just a minute. Just a minute.
It's gliding down
his elementary canal...
It's, it's...
It's shimmying
through his stomach.
And it should be
hitting his pancreas...
...now!
I guess... I guess we...
We waited a little too long.
Sorry, buddy.
(HORSE GRUNTING)
Cousin Larry's Fortune!
You're cured! You're cured!
Cousin, we did it!
We did it! We saved him!
Balki, you did it.
I can't share the credit.
Why not, cousin?
You shared the medicine.
(INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT)
I think it's very nice
that the new owners
are going to race
Larry's Fortune again.
Well, it's nice,
but it's, uh, not very smart.
Fortune's new owners, uh,
gave me $2,000 for a horse
that's the longest shot
in the race. Look at that.
Fortune's going off
at ninety-nine to one.
when you're calm.
Hey, I'm just here to spend
a nice afternoon at the races.
ANNOUNCER:
Horses and riders board
the fifth race at the gates.
I can't wait to see Cousin
Larry's Fortune run again.
We just saw him in the paddock.
He looked really frisky.
Well, that's one of the
side effects of the cure.
Side effects?
Beg pardon?
"Side effects of the cure"?
Oh, yeah, the cure
sure makes them frisky.
Puts a beautiful shine
on their coats,
makes them run like the wind...
Sometimes it gives
them the hiccups.
What was that?
Don't worry, cousin, you just
make them breathe
into a paper bag,
and the hiccups go away.
(STAMMERS) No, I mean,
what was that
run-like-the-wind thing?
Well, when, when we give
the cure to the sheep,
they run so fast
the poor sheepdogs
can't keep up with them.
(STAMMERS) Well, why
didn't you say something?
Quite frankly, cousin,
Not to speak of.
Wait a minute.
ANNOUNCER:
And they're off.
No! No! How can they be off
when I've got
a 99-to-one sure thing?
When I can't get a bet down!
Why does this always
happen to me?
You did? You did?
God bless you!
Come on, Fortune! Come on!
Come on!
Come on!
Balki! Balki!
Thank you! Thank you.
Come on!
Wow!
Come on, Fortune!
(INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT)
(ALL CHEERING)
Balki! Balki,
I don't know how to thank you.
You have made us rich!
Oh!
How much did you bet?
$100? $200?
Well, uh, no.
$300?
You bet $300?
That means we won $30,000.
Oh!
Did you bet $300?
Uh...
That's okay. That's okay.
What'd you bet, $100?
That means we won $10,000.
Ow!
Still enough for
a darn nice trip!
Well, I think the important
thing is that Fortune won.
Well, it's one of the
important things, Mary Anne.
Balki, how much did you bet?
Two bucks, two bucks, all on
the nose, right on the nose.
Two dollars?
Yeah.
Two dollars?
Larry, you won $200.
Yeah... (MUMBLES)
That's... That's just enough
to repair the hoof damage
to the bathtub.
He only bet $2.
(SOBBING)
(WHINING)