Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 6, Episode 2 - New Kid on the Block - full transcript
When Larry spots Big Jim Morris, a crooked contractor who's been banned from doing business with the city, talking to 2 city aldermen, he's sure it's his big break! All he needs now is a ...
* Sometimes the world
looks perfect
* Nothing to rearrange
* Sometimes you just
get a feeling
* Like you need
some kind of change
* No matter
what the odds are this time
* Nothing's going to
stand in my way
* This flame in my heart
* Like a long lost friend
* Gives every dark street
* A light at the end
* Standing tall
* On the wings of my dream
* Rise and fall
* On the wings of my dream
* The rain and thunder
* The wind and haze
* I'm bound for better days
* It's my life and my dream
* Nothing's going to
stop me now *
That's one small sip for Balki
one giant slam dunk
for the environment.
(TELEPHONE RINGS)
Thank you for reaching out
and touching me.
Who is this?
Oh, Mrs. Holland!
Mrs. Holland, how are you?
No, you're not
interrupting anything.
I was just crushing my can.
Crushing my can.
Well, certainly I can
babysit Tess tonight.
Yeah.
Balki!
No, it's...
Just bring her over any time.
Balki!
Uh, yeah.
We'll have a lot of fun.
Okay, okay, Mrs. Holland
and thank you for using AT&T.
Balki.
Cousin, you picked up garbage!
I'm so happy you decided
to give a hoot and not pollute.
No, no, Balki, Balki.
What looks like garbage to you
are notes on the most
important story
to hit Chicago in years.
While I was down
at City Hall this morning
I saw Big Jim Morris.
You saw Big Jim Morris?
Who's Big Jim Morris?
Big Jim Morris.
He's a crooked contractor
who's been banned from doing
business with the city.
So you tell me, Balki,
what was Big Jim doing
talking to two city aldermen?
I wouldn't know, cousin.
Mama always told me
when you go to the park,
don't talk to older men.
Not older men.
Aldermen. Aldermen.
He was talking to Aldermen.
Well, I knew something was afoot
so I spent the rest of the day
digging up enough evidence
to prove that Big Jim
is still involved
with dirty dealings.
(GASPS)
I loved that movie!
Patrick Swayze was brilliant!
No. No.
Not Dirty Dancing.
Dirty dealings.
Dirty dealings.
Phony contracts,
payoffs, bribes.
Balki, this is my big break.
I've got the jump on every
reporter in this city.
If I can get this story
in tomorrow's edition,
you'll be rooming
with a journalistic superstar!
Sam Donaldson is moving in?
No!
No!
Not him!
Me!
Me! I'll be a superstar!
Tough break for Sam.
Listen to me.
Look, Balki, listen to me!
Listen to me!
Tonight, I don't want
any phone calls.
Got it.
I don't want any interruptions.
Got it.
Got it! Got it! Got it!
Argh!
Cousin, I got it.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
That must be Tess.
We're babysitting tonight.
Hello, Balki.
Could you excuse us
for just a moment?
Who are these people?
Cousin, that's
Mrs. Holland
and her daughter, Tess.
If you'd do the laundry once
in a while, you'd meet people.
Balki, why are we babysitting
on the one night
when I need absolute quiet?
Because I made
a promise, cousin,
and I need
to keep my promises.
You won't even know
Tess is here.
Hey, Balki,
let's play boochi tag!
Boochi, boochi, boochi!
(GASPS)
I'm safe. I got the boochi.
Oh, you're good!
Uh, Balki, uh, aren't you going
to introduce me to your friends?
Oh, I'm sorry, Boochi break.
Um, Mrs. Holland,
I want you to meet my cousin
Cousin Larry Appleton.
who is dancing in the park
with older men.
Nice to know you, Larry.
I really appreciate
you taking care of Tess.
Well, I better scoot.
Now, Tess, you be a good girl.
I will, Mom.
Okay.
Buh-bye.
Oh, bye-bye.
Let's party!
Tess, dear.
Tonight is quiet night.
And Balki is gonna
show you
a lot of quiet things to do,
aren't you, Balki?
Yes, cousin.
Good.
Boochi, boochi, boochi.
Boochi, boochi, boochi.
(TESS GIGGLING)
TESS: Balki.
(GRUNTS)
You missed me!
I'll get you next time.
(GRUNTING)
Balki, I thought
you were gonna play outside
so that I could
get some work done.
It's cold and dark
and some big kid wants my shoes.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
* She is wicked
nasty and mean
* As a girl can be *
Balki, could you possibly
do something about this?
Cousin, she don't know where
the volume control button is.
Yes, I do. Here.
* She made me wait
I just wanna cry... *
How's that, cousin?
Lower.
(IN LOW VOICE)
How's that, cousin?
Turn it down.
Better?
Turn it down.
Better?
Turn it down.
Perfect! Enjoy!
Tess, maybe you'd like
to wear the earphones.
No.
But why not?
Earphones mess up my hair.
Oh.
Cousin, earphones mess up
her hair.
Here, Tess.
Your hair looks even nicer
like this.
Cousin, don't you think you're
being just a little hard on her?
The girl just wants
to have fun.
Well, Balki, the next time
she wants to have fun
just tell her no.
I cannot believe
what you just said.
What did I say?
I just told you to tell her no.
You said it again.
What kind of monster are you?
Balki, occasionally a child
will do something wrong
and you have to say that word.
Cousin, on Mypos
we never say no.
We believe that children
should be allowed to grow
like wild flowers
on the side of the mountain,
their little faces
turned up toward the sun.
Hey, girls.
Do you believe in love?
Well, I got something
to say about it.
* Don't go for
second best baby
* Put your love to the test
* You know you know got to... *
Balki!
Ah!
Is that too loud
for you, cousin?
Well, cousin,
if you get lonely
Thank you.
* Yeah I wanna dance
with somebody
* Say you wanna dance *
* Say you wanna dance *
Oh, my Lord!
Were we robbed?
(MUFFLED)
Don't be ridiculous.
Well, did you, uh... Did you
get a good look at who did this?
Tess did it.
Cousin, we were playing
Cowboys and Mypiots.
And you lost?
No, I won.
has turned her into a monster?
Cousin, she's not a monster.
Listen, could you untie me?
I, uh, I had a big glass
of iced tea
about an hour ago.
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)
Good story, Appleton.
I'm putting it on page one.
Thank you, Mr. Wainwright.
But it's too long.
Take out a hundred words.
You'll get it to me
in ten minutes.
Ten minutes, of course, sir.
Yeah, and you can count on me.
And when I first joined the--
Nine and half minutes.
All right, okay.
Nine minutes, fifteen seconds.
Nine minutes, ten seconds.
Nine, eight...
Seven, six...
Oh, my God! I'm freezing up.
Okay! Where is the Mypiot?
He'll be late.
I need him to find out
what is going on around here.
Somebody's been pushing
all the elevator buttons
leaving phones off the hook
and there's a Barbie doll
stuck in the mail chute.
Well, I gotta get to work.
A Barbie doll
stuck in the mail chute?
She's here.
Okay! We're almost done
with our mail delivery.
Now, uh, Mr. Gorpley's mail.
That's right. That's right.
Very good.
You almost got it
in the box this time.
Okay, and last, but not yeast,
Cousin Larry's mail.
Air mail.
Very funny, dear.
Uh, would you excuse us
for just a moment?
Why did you...
(GIGGLING)
Come on, here we go.
Here we go.
Go on, go on and play.
Why did you bring her here?
Well, she wanted to come.
Balki, people do not bring
children to the workplace.
Oh, is that so, Mr. Spock?
Well, for your information,
on Mypos
we always bring children
to the workplace.
Well, Balki, on Mypos,
the workplace is a field.
And the worst damage a child
could do is to trample a gourd.
Now, this is a major
metropolitan newspaper
and I have to finish a story
in exactly...
In exactly...
Where's my watch? Where
is my watch? My watch is gone!
Where's my watch?
I have your watch.
Now, you see it...
...now you don't.
Cousin, cousin, I'm,
I'm sorry I took so long.
I, I found your watch
in the sports department.
And, and in the,
the advertising department
and...in the,
the classified department
and this doesn't go with
the watch but isn't it pretty?
Are you going to have
a nervous breakdance?
(CLINKING)
Balki,
nothing can spoil this day.
In less than an hour,
the Chicago Chronicle
hits the streets
with my story on the front page.
Cousin, that's wonderful!
Wait 'til I tell Tess.
She'll be pleased as lunch.
Where is the little darling?
Don't suppose it's too much
to hope the police have her?
Cousin, she's with Miss Lydia,
who unlike you,
has the patience
to nurture a child.
Wait 'til I get
my hands on you!
You little devil child!
Don't let her get me!
Uh, uh, Lydia! Lydia!
Wh-what is going on?
That little monster
left me a note!
Okay, okay, okay, okay,
who covered my telephone
in peanut butter and jelly?
I just got
a melted chocolate bar
in the inter-office mail.
I want an explanation,
Gorpley!
We have got to get her
out of here.
Look how big I am.
I can reach this.
That turns on the sprinklers!
ALL: No!
It's been quite a day,
hasn't it?
Let me run the highlight film
for you, Balki.
(SIGHS)
For the first time
in 75 years,
the Chicago Chronicle
didn't publish.
But what do I care?
At some time,
in the next 75 years,
maybe I'll get another chance
to have a story
on the front page.
And who do we have to thank?
Tess, the Terrible
and her Mypiot babysitter!
(SIGHS)
I'm sorry, cousin,
I wasn't paying attention.
I was sitting here,
sitting here thinking
maybe I was too lenient
with Tess.
No.
Thanks, cousin,
but you can't change my mind.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
(SIGHS)
My mother said
I should give these to you.
And thank you
for taking care of me.
Oh, these are my favorite.
Tollbooth cookies.
Are you mad at me because I
made it rain on your newspaper?
Oh, I'm not mad at you.
Uh, I'm not mad at you,
but, but you-you-you
shouldn't have
turned on the sprinklers.
That was wrong,
but I was also wrong because
I shouldn't have let you do
whatever you wanted to do.
It got us all into
a lot of trouble.
Does, does this mean
we can't be friends anymore?
We can still be friends
but I'm going to have
to say a word to you
that I've never said
to a child before.
I'm-I'm going to
have to-to say...
...no.
I can live with that.
Oh, Tess, Tess, I can't
expect you to understand
how anybody ever going
to say such an ugly world
but sometimes in life,
you just have to be--
Balki. Balki!
Yeah?
I get it.
You don't mind.
No.
I'm going to have
to ask you to do something
you might not want to do.
Like what?
for everything you did today.
I'm really sorry
that I got you all wet.
And I'm sorry I got you
in trouble with your boss.
And I'm sorry I broke
your watch.
Well...
...that's okay.
It was an old watch.
Bu you're gonna have to be
a little more careful
from now on.
Yeah, yeah, I will.
Okay.
Well, bye, Larry.
Bye-bye.
Bye, Balki.
Well...I guess
she's not so bad after all.
You know...
...I'll never forget the look
on Wainwright's face
when that water hit him.
Was it me,
or did you see steam
rising from his head?
Are you asking
did I see steam
rising from his head,
or did I see you
rising from his head?
I'm asking was it me,
or did you see steam
rising from his head?
Okay, okay, are you asking
was it me who saw steam
rising from his head
or was it you who saw steam
rising from his head?
I'm asking was it me
or did you see steam
rising from his head?
Yes. Now I have one for you.
Was it me,
or was that Miss Lydia's
beauty mark
sliding down her cheek?
It was you.
It was definitely you
sliding down her cheek.
TESS: Balki.
Hey, Balki.
Hi, Tess.
I wanna talk
to Uncle Cousin Larry.
Oh.
Uh, Cousin Larry,
come-come and talk to Tess.
I think she wants to be friends.
No.
Cousin Larry,
you come over to the window.
She came all
the way down here...
She came all the way down here
to make friends
and say she was sorry,
the least you can do
is stick your head out
the window and say hello.
Okay, okay. Hmm.
I...guess I haven't been
very nice to her.
Hi, Tess.
(TESS GIGGLING)
Is it me...
...or is that steam
rising out of your head?
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
looks perfect
* Nothing to rearrange
* Sometimes you just
get a feeling
* Like you need
some kind of change
* No matter
what the odds are this time
* Nothing's going to
stand in my way
* This flame in my heart
* Like a long lost friend
* Gives every dark street
* A light at the end
* Standing tall
* On the wings of my dream
* Rise and fall
* On the wings of my dream
* The rain and thunder
* The wind and haze
* I'm bound for better days
* It's my life and my dream
* Nothing's going to
stop me now *
That's one small sip for Balki
one giant slam dunk
for the environment.
(TELEPHONE RINGS)
Thank you for reaching out
and touching me.
Who is this?
Oh, Mrs. Holland!
Mrs. Holland, how are you?
No, you're not
interrupting anything.
I was just crushing my can.
Crushing my can.
Well, certainly I can
babysit Tess tonight.
Yeah.
Balki!
No, it's...
Just bring her over any time.
Balki!
Uh, yeah.
We'll have a lot of fun.
Okay, okay, Mrs. Holland
and thank you for using AT&T.
Balki.
Cousin, you picked up garbage!
I'm so happy you decided
to give a hoot and not pollute.
No, no, Balki, Balki.
What looks like garbage to you
are notes on the most
important story
to hit Chicago in years.
While I was down
at City Hall this morning
I saw Big Jim Morris.
You saw Big Jim Morris?
Who's Big Jim Morris?
Big Jim Morris.
He's a crooked contractor
who's been banned from doing
business with the city.
So you tell me, Balki,
what was Big Jim doing
talking to two city aldermen?
I wouldn't know, cousin.
Mama always told me
when you go to the park,
don't talk to older men.
Not older men.
Aldermen. Aldermen.
He was talking to Aldermen.
Well, I knew something was afoot
so I spent the rest of the day
digging up enough evidence
to prove that Big Jim
is still involved
with dirty dealings.
(GASPS)
I loved that movie!
Patrick Swayze was brilliant!
No. No.
Not Dirty Dancing.
Dirty dealings.
Dirty dealings.
Phony contracts,
payoffs, bribes.
Balki, this is my big break.
I've got the jump on every
reporter in this city.
If I can get this story
in tomorrow's edition,
you'll be rooming
with a journalistic superstar!
Sam Donaldson is moving in?
No!
No!
Not him!
Me!
Me! I'll be a superstar!
Tough break for Sam.
Listen to me.
Look, Balki, listen to me!
Listen to me!
Tonight, I don't want
any phone calls.
Got it.
I don't want any interruptions.
Got it.
Got it! Got it! Got it!
Argh!
Cousin, I got it.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
That must be Tess.
We're babysitting tonight.
Hello, Balki.
Could you excuse us
for just a moment?
Who are these people?
Cousin, that's
Mrs. Holland
and her daughter, Tess.
If you'd do the laundry once
in a while, you'd meet people.
Balki, why are we babysitting
on the one night
when I need absolute quiet?
Because I made
a promise, cousin,
and I need
to keep my promises.
You won't even know
Tess is here.
Hey, Balki,
let's play boochi tag!
Boochi, boochi, boochi!
(GASPS)
I'm safe. I got the boochi.
Oh, you're good!
Uh, Balki, uh, aren't you going
to introduce me to your friends?
Oh, I'm sorry, Boochi break.
Um, Mrs. Holland,
I want you to meet my cousin
Cousin Larry Appleton.
who is dancing in the park
with older men.
Nice to know you, Larry.
I really appreciate
you taking care of Tess.
Well, I better scoot.
Now, Tess, you be a good girl.
I will, Mom.
Okay.
Buh-bye.
Oh, bye-bye.
Let's party!
Tess, dear.
Tonight is quiet night.
And Balki is gonna
show you
a lot of quiet things to do,
aren't you, Balki?
Yes, cousin.
Good.
Boochi, boochi, boochi.
Boochi, boochi, boochi.
(TESS GIGGLING)
TESS: Balki.
(GRUNTS)
You missed me!
I'll get you next time.
(GRUNTING)
Balki, I thought
you were gonna play outside
so that I could
get some work done.
It's cold and dark
and some big kid wants my shoes.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
* She is wicked
nasty and mean
* As a girl can be *
Balki, could you possibly
do something about this?
Cousin, she don't know where
the volume control button is.
Yes, I do. Here.
* She made me wait
I just wanna cry... *
How's that, cousin?
Lower.
(IN LOW VOICE)
How's that, cousin?
Turn it down.
Better?
Turn it down.
Better?
Turn it down.
Perfect! Enjoy!
Tess, maybe you'd like
to wear the earphones.
No.
But why not?
Earphones mess up my hair.
Oh.
Cousin, earphones mess up
her hair.
Here, Tess.
Your hair looks even nicer
like this.
Cousin, don't you think you're
being just a little hard on her?
The girl just wants
to have fun.
Well, Balki, the next time
she wants to have fun
just tell her no.
I cannot believe
what you just said.
What did I say?
I just told you to tell her no.
You said it again.
What kind of monster are you?
Balki, occasionally a child
will do something wrong
and you have to say that word.
Cousin, on Mypos
we never say no.
We believe that children
should be allowed to grow
like wild flowers
on the side of the mountain,
their little faces
turned up toward the sun.
Hey, girls.
Do you believe in love?
Well, I got something
to say about it.
* Don't go for
second best baby
* Put your love to the test
* You know you know got to... *
Balki!
Ah!
Is that too loud
for you, cousin?
Well, cousin,
if you get lonely
Thank you.
* Yeah I wanna dance
with somebody
* Say you wanna dance *
* Say you wanna dance *
Oh, my Lord!
Were we robbed?
(MUFFLED)
Don't be ridiculous.
Well, did you, uh... Did you
get a good look at who did this?
Tess did it.
Cousin, we were playing
Cowboys and Mypiots.
And you lost?
No, I won.
has turned her into a monster?
Cousin, she's not a monster.
Listen, could you untie me?
I, uh, I had a big glass
of iced tea
about an hour ago.
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)
Good story, Appleton.
I'm putting it on page one.
Thank you, Mr. Wainwright.
But it's too long.
Take out a hundred words.
You'll get it to me
in ten minutes.
Ten minutes, of course, sir.
Yeah, and you can count on me.
And when I first joined the--
Nine and half minutes.
All right, okay.
Nine minutes, fifteen seconds.
Nine minutes, ten seconds.
Nine, eight...
Seven, six...
Oh, my God! I'm freezing up.
Okay! Where is the Mypiot?
He'll be late.
I need him to find out
what is going on around here.
Somebody's been pushing
all the elevator buttons
leaving phones off the hook
and there's a Barbie doll
stuck in the mail chute.
Well, I gotta get to work.
A Barbie doll
stuck in the mail chute?
She's here.
Okay! We're almost done
with our mail delivery.
Now, uh, Mr. Gorpley's mail.
That's right. That's right.
Very good.
You almost got it
in the box this time.
Okay, and last, but not yeast,
Cousin Larry's mail.
Air mail.
Very funny, dear.
Uh, would you excuse us
for just a moment?
Why did you...
(GIGGLING)
Come on, here we go.
Here we go.
Go on, go on and play.
Why did you bring her here?
Well, she wanted to come.
Balki, people do not bring
children to the workplace.
Oh, is that so, Mr. Spock?
Well, for your information,
on Mypos
we always bring children
to the workplace.
Well, Balki, on Mypos,
the workplace is a field.
And the worst damage a child
could do is to trample a gourd.
Now, this is a major
metropolitan newspaper
and I have to finish a story
in exactly...
In exactly...
Where's my watch? Where
is my watch? My watch is gone!
Where's my watch?
I have your watch.
Now, you see it...
...now you don't.
Cousin, cousin, I'm,
I'm sorry I took so long.
I, I found your watch
in the sports department.
And, and in the,
the advertising department
and...in the,
the classified department
and this doesn't go with
the watch but isn't it pretty?
Are you going to have
a nervous breakdance?
(CLINKING)
Balki,
nothing can spoil this day.
In less than an hour,
the Chicago Chronicle
hits the streets
with my story on the front page.
Cousin, that's wonderful!
Wait 'til I tell Tess.
She'll be pleased as lunch.
Where is the little darling?
Don't suppose it's too much
to hope the police have her?
Cousin, she's with Miss Lydia,
who unlike you,
has the patience
to nurture a child.
Wait 'til I get
my hands on you!
You little devil child!
Don't let her get me!
Uh, uh, Lydia! Lydia!
Wh-what is going on?
That little monster
left me a note!
Okay, okay, okay, okay,
who covered my telephone
in peanut butter and jelly?
I just got
a melted chocolate bar
in the inter-office mail.
I want an explanation,
Gorpley!
We have got to get her
out of here.
Look how big I am.
I can reach this.
That turns on the sprinklers!
ALL: No!
It's been quite a day,
hasn't it?
Let me run the highlight film
for you, Balki.
(SIGHS)
For the first time
in 75 years,
the Chicago Chronicle
didn't publish.
But what do I care?
At some time,
in the next 75 years,
maybe I'll get another chance
to have a story
on the front page.
And who do we have to thank?
Tess, the Terrible
and her Mypiot babysitter!
(SIGHS)
I'm sorry, cousin,
I wasn't paying attention.
I was sitting here,
sitting here thinking
maybe I was too lenient
with Tess.
No.
Thanks, cousin,
but you can't change my mind.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
(SIGHS)
My mother said
I should give these to you.
And thank you
for taking care of me.
Oh, these are my favorite.
Tollbooth cookies.
Are you mad at me because I
made it rain on your newspaper?
Oh, I'm not mad at you.
Uh, I'm not mad at you,
but, but you-you-you
shouldn't have
turned on the sprinklers.
That was wrong,
but I was also wrong because
I shouldn't have let you do
whatever you wanted to do.
It got us all into
a lot of trouble.
Does, does this mean
we can't be friends anymore?
We can still be friends
but I'm going to have
to say a word to you
that I've never said
to a child before.
I'm-I'm going to
have to-to say...
...no.
I can live with that.
Oh, Tess, Tess, I can't
expect you to understand
how anybody ever going
to say such an ugly world
but sometimes in life,
you just have to be--
Balki. Balki!
Yeah?
I get it.
You don't mind.
No.
I'm going to have
to ask you to do something
you might not want to do.
Like what?
for everything you did today.
I'm really sorry
that I got you all wet.
And I'm sorry I got you
in trouble with your boss.
And I'm sorry I broke
your watch.
Well...
...that's okay.
It was an old watch.
Bu you're gonna have to be
a little more careful
from now on.
Yeah, yeah, I will.
Okay.
Well, bye, Larry.
Bye-bye.
Bye, Balki.
Well...I guess
she's not so bad after all.
You know...
...I'll never forget the look
on Wainwright's face
when that water hit him.
Was it me,
or did you see steam
rising from his head?
Are you asking
did I see steam
rising from his head,
or did I see you
rising from his head?
I'm asking was it me,
or did you see steam
rising from his head?
Okay, okay, are you asking
was it me who saw steam
rising from his head
or was it you who saw steam
rising from his head?
I'm asking was it me
or did you see steam
rising from his head?
Yes. Now I have one for you.
Was it me,
or was that Miss Lydia's
beauty mark
sliding down her cheek?
It was you.
It was definitely you
sliding down her cheek.
TESS: Balki.
Hey, Balki.
Hi, Tess.
I wanna talk
to Uncle Cousin Larry.
Oh.
Uh, Cousin Larry,
come-come and talk to Tess.
I think she wants to be friends.
No.
Cousin Larry,
you come over to the window.
She came all
the way down here...
She came all the way down here
to make friends
and say she was sorry,
the least you can do
is stick your head out
the window and say hello.
Okay, okay. Hmm.
I...guess I haven't been
very nice to her.
Hi, Tess.
(TESS GIGGLING)
Is it me...
...or is that steam
rising out of your head?
(MUSIC CONTINUES)