Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 6, Episode 1 - Safe at Home - full transcript

When Larry and Balki are robbed, Larry decides to install a high tech security system. He doesn't read the manual and refuses to let Balki know what the code is. But when they trigger the ...

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

* Sometimes the world
looks perfect

* Sometimes you just
get a feeling

* Like you need
some kind of change

* No matter what
the odds are this time

* Nothing's gonna stand
in my way

* This flame in my heart
like a long-lost friend

* Gives every dark street

* A light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dream



* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dream

* The rain and thunder
the wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* Ah

* It's my life and my dream

* And nothing's gonna
stop me now *

Alright, nobody peek.
Nobody peek, come on.

Come on, come on, come on,
keep going, keep going.

Go on, go on.
Alright, turn right.

Whoa!

Okay.
I didn't, I didn't peek.

I know.

Okay, alright.



Now, ready?

You said it was, uh,
it was hours of fun

and something we can all enjoy.

I know! A Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtle Dreamhouse?

No. Now. Ready? Set? Open.

What do you think?

I see it...

I love it...

What is it?

It's one of those chairs
that plays music, right?

Plays music? Plays music?

This happens to be
a state of the art

stereo chair.

Wow!

A Sony Sit-man!

Alright, alright,
listen to this.

You are going to love it.

I don't hear anything.

I think you have to be
in the chair.

Kenny Rogers on CD. Fantastic.

* Know when to hold 'em

* Know when to fold 'em

* Know when to walk away

* Know when to run

* You never count your money

* When you're sittin'
at the table

* There'll be time enough
for countin'

* When the dealin's done

* You got to know
when to hold 'em

* Know when to fold...

Balki, this was
meant for one person.

Only if that one person
don't want to share.

You know, Larry,
I'd be nervous with something

this expensive in my apartment.

Maybe you should
get a burglar alarm.

A burglar alarm?
I don't think so.

Oh, we have that on Mypos.

You told me there are
no burglars on Mypos.

Well, there aren't,
but you never know

It's a lovely island
but, boy, those Kleptos...

Maniacs.

Larry, you have
a lot of valuable things

worth protecting,
maybe you should get an alarm.

I don't need to spend
a lot of money

on an alarm system
to protect my home.

Well, you don't have
to spend a lot of money.

Mary Anne and I got a simple,
inexpensive alarm.

Someone breaks in, the bell
goes off, the police show up.

Jennifer's always
reminding me to set it.

Did you set it?

No, you didn't remind me.

We better go.

Do I have to remind you
to do everything?

No, you didn't remind me
to turn off the iron.

Did you hear that?

An alarm system. Women!

They're such fragile creatures.

All the protection
men like us need

is a sturdy oak door
and a good deadbolt.

(LAUGHING)

Come on, Balki, we gotta
go pick up the girls.

We have, uh, dinner reservations
at Antoine's Cajun Kitchen?

Well, um, ahem,
cousin, you, you know

you always eat too much
of Antoine's Four-Alarm Shrimp.

So don't you think before we go
you ought to coat your stomach?

Well, good idea, Balki. Uh,
could you get the Maalox for me?

Why don't you get it yourself?

Alright.

(BALKI LAUGHING)

(SCREAMING)

Get, get it off!

Get it off!

Ow!

Pretty good, huh?

I suppose you have
an explanation for this?

Well, of course, I do.
Don't be ridiculous.

The ice prevents swelling.

No, I mean...

An explanation for this.

Oh, well...

(CLEARS THROAT)

I took the liberty of installing

several Myposian crimestoppers.

They're all
absolutely foolproof.

I know because

Well, I'm going to rest easy

knowing that my antacid is safe.

Now, can we go to Antoine's?

Uh, not just yet, cousin.

Please.

(METAL CLANKING)

Pretend it's late at night.

We're all snug in our beds.

The moonlight shining
through the window.

Suddenly the window opens...

And in he comes...
Balki.

Balki.

It's the beginning of Peter Pan.

Yeah, but, cousin,
this is where the story

takes an unexpected turn.

It's a burglar.

He comes into the apartment...

He looks around and
he says...

"Hey, this is a nice
lookin' apartment.

Wow, what do we have here?"

But before he can lay one
fingerprint on our valuables

he steps right into the middle

of this innocent looking rug

and we've had him
right where we want him.

Upside down
in the Kleptos-Katcher.

Well, I pity the golf bag
that breaks into this apartment.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

Oh, my Lord.

Somebody's been in here.

Oh, my God.

and we left the place a mess.

I am so embarrassed.

No. Balki.

I mean, we've been robbed.

They took my stereo chair!

The police!
We got to call the police!

Uh, no. Cousin.

Whoa!

At least we know
one thing for sure.

The burglar didn't
come in through the window.

Balki! Balki!

Come here!

How much longer
is this gonna take?

You don't put in
a top of the line

security system in 15 minutes.

I mean, Rome might've been
built in a day

but it took 'em
a month to secure it.

(CHUCKLING)

(DOOR CREAKING)

Boy, when I signed up
for home banking

I had no idea they'd put
a vault in the living room.

That is part
of our new security system.

Cousin, you changed your mind.

Okay.
Aah!

Aah!

Balki, this is Joe McNulty.

Joe, this is Balki Bartokomous.

Ah.

Joe is from
Safe at Home Security Systems.

You're not safe at home
until you call Safe at Home.

And you are not fully clean,
until you are Zestfully clean.

Well, you are now protected by

the world's
only Doomsday System.

Designed and developed
by yours truly.

I've adjusted
the templates in the window

and the overall timing
mechanism has been programmed

to prevent any
microprocessor overload.

Cousin, I think
we've gone way beyond

a sturdy oak door
and a deadbolt.

Balki...

I went out and spent good
money

on another stereo chair

and I'm gonna make sure
no one steals this one.

Yeah, but...

Kleptos out there.

These are high-tech criminals.

They got beepers,
cellular phones, laptops.

What have we got?
A golf bag on a rope.

We need security,
we need peace of mind

we need the Doomsday System.

Yeah, but I...
Well, I'm on my way.

All you have to do is
punch in a secret code

and you can turn
the system on and off.

Now the doomsday
is a one-of-a-kind system.

If you have any questions

consult these
easy to follow instructions.

Goodbye.
Thank you.

(DOOR CREAKING)

I'll read this later.

Ah!

Now, what would be
a good secret code?

Okay. Okay, secret code.

Okay, I know, I'll say...

The clumsy giant plays

hopscotch in the moonlight.

And you'll say...
That's not what I meant.

No, cousin, that's too simple.

You will say...

In the dead of night
the humpback whale...

Balki, Balki, Balki.

The secret code
is a four-digit number.

but they might
be easier for Jennifer

and Mary Anne to remember.

No.

No one can know
the secret code.

Not Jennifer,
not Mary Anne, not Lydia...

In fact, not you.

Why not, cousin?

You're too honest,
too good, too trusting.

I could change.

shoulder this
responsibility alone.

Now, what would be

a good secret code?

Got it.

Ah.

No one would guess this
in a million years.

The year you were born?
Lucky guess.

It's obvious, we need something

just a little bit
more complicated.

Ah.

Okay, I'll use
the middle four digits

of my driver's license number

divide that by my inseam.

Subtract my shoe size...

Five thousand
two hundred ninety one.

Okay. Got it.

Ah!

There. Now, only I know
the secret code.

The code is mine.
It is my code.

Fine, it is your code.

It's your alarm. It's
your country. Who am I?

I'm just a simple Mypiot boy
who has always dreamed

of knowing the code

Goodnight, cousin.

Is it the year
your mother was born?

No.

Goodnight.

Damn!

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

Balki! Balki!

Wake up!

Cousin?

Something's gone wrong.

What?

What are you doing?

Laser beams!

Ah!

Somebody must have
broken in to the house.

Balki, it was me.

Oh.

Why did you break in?
You, you live here.

No, I didn't break in.

I accidentally
triggered the alarm.

Now, listen, we have got
to get over to the keypad

without breaking the beams
or the siren will go off.

Okay.
No!

What?

Stay down.

Follow me.
Okay.

Aah!

Aah!

Thank God. We made it.

Cousin, now we're so happy,
we do the Dance...

No!
Of joy!

Oh!

(ALARM RINGING)

Alright. Alright.
Now, now don't panic.

Now, all I have to do,
uh, uh, to deactivate the system

is punch in the security code.

Uh, the security code.

The year I was born.

Uh, no, the y...
The year you were born.

The year my mother was born.

Alright, now... Now, listen.

There must be
some other way

to shut off the system.

Oh!

There.

System deactivated.

AUTOMATED VOICE:
Attention, intruders.

Your presence has activated
the Doomsday System.

Cousin,
this might be a good time

to read that
instruction manual.

Relax. How bad could it be?

AUTOMATED VOICE:
Intruder,
you have chosen to violate

the home of a law-abiding
citizen for the last time.

You have exactly 60 seconds

to the release of poison gas.

Poison gas!
Poison gas!

(SCREAMING)

AUTOMATED VOICE:
Attention, intruder.

Fifty seconds
to the release of poison gas.

Alright, Balki.

Oh, my God! What's the code?

Cousin...
I got it!

I remember the code!

It's the combination
of my gym locker.

Cousin, I haven't actually
read the instruction manual

but I don't think
the keypad works

once you rip it out of the wall.

AUTOMATED VOICE:
Intruder, 30 seconds
to the release of poison gas.

(SOBBING)

We're gonna die. Thank you.

You're welcome.

Cousin, we can
get out the window.

Oh!

(GASPING)

(GRUNTING)

Alright, stand back.

I forgot.
It's reinforced security glass.

Well, who did you think
was gonna break in?

The Terminator?

Well, there must be something

big enough to break it with?

No!

No!

Yes!

six, five,

four, three...

Two.
Hold your breath!

AUTOMATED VOICE:
One, zero.

Attention, owners.

The intruders
have been frightened away.

Please reset the system.

Thank you,
and have a nice day.

(SNIFFING)

Wait a minute.
There's no poison gas.

Balki!

Breathe!

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

Well...

I really made a mess
of things, didn't I?

I could have got
a simple basic alarm system

but no, I had to go
with the laser beams

and the security glass.

I dove off the deep end.

Bit off more than I could chew.

Yes, cousin,
once again you did it

your way.

I'm just sorry
about the chair.

Oh, don't worry
about the chair.

I worked a small miracle
putting it back together.

I even surprised myself.

(THEME MUSIC)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)