Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 5, Episode 8 - Father Knows Best?: Part 2 - full transcript

(male narrator)
Last week
on "Perfect Strangers."

I’m just a little tensed
about my dad’s visit.

Now, I want this visit
to be perfect.

This is my chance to show dad
I’ve made it on my own.

And when he see’s the life
I’ve made for myself

he’ll be so proud of me,
he’ll say

"Well done, son."

I still have the bat
Mickey Mantle autographed.

It wasn’t Mickey Mantle,
it was Roger Maris.

It was Mickey Mantle
a‐and I can prove it.

I‐I have the bat right here
in the closet.



The bat’s in the basement.

[water sloshing]

It‐it‐it won’t turn, dad.

Well, no wonder. It’s rusted.

And how do we get rid
of rust, son?

We knock it off with a hammer.

[clanks]

‐Balki, Larry, are you...
‐Oh.

[indistinct chatter]

Hey, hey, hey!

You just locked us all in.

Wait a minute.

This place is gonna
fill up with water.

‐I don’t wanna drown!
‐Nobody’s gonna drown.



By the time the water reaches
this fuse box...

...we’ll all be electrocuted.

[dramatic music]

[theme song]

♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪

♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪

♪ Sometimes
you just get a feeling ♪

♪ Like you need
some kind of change ♪

♪ No matter what the odds are
this time ♪

♪ Nothing’s going to stand
in my way ♪

♪ This flame in my heart ♪

♪ Like a long‐lost friend ♪

♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪

♪ Standing tall ♪

♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

♪ Rise and fall ♪

♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

♪ The rain and thunder ♪

♪ The wind and haze ♪

♪ I’m bound for better days ♪

♪ It’s my life and my dream ♪

♪ And nothing’s gonna
stop me now ♪

[instrumental music]

(all)
He‐e‐elp!

Again.

(all)
He‐e‐elp!

Cousin, cousin.

We’ve been screaming for an hour
and if we keep it up

we’re going to do some permanent
damage to our vocal cords.

‐Nobody can hear us, anyway.
‐Oh.

There must be something
we can do!

I don’t wanna be electrocuted!

I don’t wanna die!

Not in this ensemble.

If we stay calm
and keep our wits about us

I’m sure we can think of a way
to keep ourselves from dying.

[gasps]

I got nothing.

I’ve got an idea.

Oh! He’s got that look
in his eyes.

Normally that scares me

but when
you’re thigh‐deep in water

you lower your expectation.

This oughta do it.

Now, cousin, this is no time
to try your ventriloquist act.

I’ve seen it
and his lips move constantly.

[Larry panting]

[all cheering]

(Balki)
’Cousin!’

Appleton finally came up
with something that worked.

‐I don’t believe it.
‐There.

One problem solved.

Well, cousin, I must say

this time
you really used your head.

That was a really good idea,
Larry.

[rumbling]

Well, I just spotted the problem

and used a little
of the old Appleton know‐how.

[chuckles]

Cousin! Cousin!

[screams]

[screams]

[instrumental music]

Balki.

Now do you see
why bailing won’t work?

Yes, cousin, you’re right

but I appreciate
your letting me take the shot.

Well, somebody better
do something.

We’re four inches
from being deep‐fried.

Actually,
it’s three and a half inches.

Don’t worry. I’ve got another
plan to get us out of here.

You have another plan?

You call sticking a head
in the pipe a plan?

It was a good plan.

Just poorly executed.

Alright, now,
now listen to me, everyone.

This is no time to lose hope

because if we all
put our heads together

I’m sure
we can think of something.

You know what they say

"United we stand

and Delta is ready
when you are."

Alright, c‐come on, everybody

we’ve got to find something
to knock the door down with.

Hey, cousin

maybe we could knock the door
down with one of these beams.

Good idea, Balki.

Alright, l‐let’s get
this beam over to the stairs.

Okay, Balki, you take that end

and I’ll get this end.
Lawrence, you get the middle.

Alright, alright. Lift!

[grunting]

Okay, walk it on over!

‐Uh...
‐’Walk it over!’

‐Be careful, Larry.
‐I’m okay. I’m okay.

Alright, alright,
swing it on in.

Swing it on in.
Yeah. Yeah. Oh, good.

Alright. Alright, alright,
set it down.

Set‐set it down. Oh.

Uh...

[sighs]

Oh, that was close, Appleton

it almost touched
your hands once.

[chuckles]

Alright, alright, everybody,
get down here, out of the way.

What, are you crazy?
These are alligator shoes.

Oh, well, good. Then they’ll be
right at home in the water.

What? Oh, oh, oh, oh.

[breathing heavily]

Alright, let’s lift it up.

[grunting]

Mr. Gorpley, you could help us.

Oh, goody.

You’re gonna pay
for these shoes, Appleton.

Alright, ready,
on the count of three

we’ll ram this baby
into the door.

‐One‐‐
‐Wait a minute, wait a minute.

What is it, dad?

I think we should say
ready, set, go.

Dad, I think there are times
when a ready, set, go

is called for

but I don’t think
this is one of those times.

‐Oh, brother.
‐Lawrence.

How many basement doors
have you knocked down?

‐Well‐‐
‐’How many?’

‐Well, I‐‐
‐How many‐‐

Guys, guys, guys.

How about if we,
if we say one, two, three

but, but we’re thinking
ready, set, go?

One, two

three!

[thud]

One, two, three!

[thud]

Any other ideas, Appleton?

Alright, we just need
a little more weight behind us.

Jennifer, Mary Anne, Lydia,
give us a hand.

I don’t know, son, I...

I don’t, I don’t think
this landing can hold all of us.

Trust me, dad.

Lawrence, if the four of us
just keep hitting it

the door will give way,
eventually.

But that could take all night,
dad. It stands to reason.

The more people, the more force,
the quicker we’ll open the door.

And it’s my beam.

And a very handsome beam it is,
too, cousin

but I think the point
your father is trying to make

is that this landing
may not be able to support

seven people and your beam.

So prove me wrong.

Come on, ladies.
Let’s put our backs into it.

Oh, no.
I hope I don’t break a nail.

Alright,
on the count of three. Ready?

One, two, three!

[thud]

Well, it didn’t
knock down the door.

Well, it didn’t knock
the landing down, either.

[gasping]

‐Oh, my God!
‐No.

Oh.

[screaming]

‐’We’re going down.’
‐Ah.

Ah, ah...

[screaming]

Well...

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Okay, okay.
So we’ve had a little setback.

A little setback?

You mean, like, the Titanic
had a little setback?

At least I tried.

I don’t hear anybody else
coming up with a plan

to get us out of here.

You’re right, son.

‐You did have a plan.
‐Thanks, dad.

Just wasn’t a very good one.

Ah. Well,
I was only trying to help.

You wanna help?
Go play in the deep end.

Shame on you.

Didn’t you ever make a mistake?

Yeah. Coming to this party.

It’s getting deeper.

If we don’t get out of here soon

we might as well
forget about the party.

Cousin, um

the‐the‐the festive mood
seems to be slipping away.

Everyone seems to be
getting cranky.

That’s because they’re going
to die, and it’s all my fault.

They hate me, don’t they?

Well, of course they don’t.
Don’t be ridiculous.

I wanted this to be a weekend
my father would never forget.

Now I’ve killed him.

Well, it will be a weekend

your, your, your mother
will never forget.

And I’ll die without ever
making my father proud of me.

Cousin, you know...

...maybe your father
is proud of you

and you just don’t know it.

Well, he’s never said so.

Well, he, fathers don’t
always say what they feel.

Cousin, if you tell your father

how you feel

maybe you will be surprised
at how he feels.

Well, I‐I would, but...

Yeah, but I just don’t know
how to get started.

Well, I’m gonna help you.

‐Uncle Walter.
‐Oh, no.

Would you swim over here
for just a moment, please?

Cousin Larry has something
he want to tell you.

‐No, no.
‐Cousin, cousin.

Just open your mouth

and let your heart
do the talking.

What is it, son?

Dad, I...

B‐Balki, could you...

...give us a minute?

Dad, we may not have
much time left

but we need to talk,
you and me.

You and I, Lawrence.

You and I.

W‐well, it’s not so much
you and I

i‐it’s more you.

Well, it’s you
when you’re r‐relating to me.

To I. To‐to me.

Lawrence, if you want
a career in journalism

you’ve got to be
more articulate.

Well, t‐this is exactly
what I’m talking about.

Nothing I do
is ever good enough for you.

When I was in sixth grade
I got a 96 on a test.

You, you asked what happened
to the other four points.

And now I’ve got a good job
at the newspaper

you tell me
I should work in television.

When are you gonna be
proud of me?

Lawrence,
I’ve always been proud of you.

Well, all you do is criticize.

Just once
I’d like to hear you say

"Well done, son."

I, I know I criticize you a lot

but it’s only because I want you
to be the best you can be.

For heaven’s sake,
I’m always bragging about you.

I tell everyone what a,
what a wonderful son I have.

But you never tell me.

I don’t, do I?

I’ve always found it hard

to express my feelings...

...to those
that I love the most.

And I love you, Lawrence.

[instrumental music]

I love you, too, dad.

[panting]

‐Thank God!
‐Balki.

Could, could you give us
just, uh, another minute?

‐Huh?
‐Please?

Except for the fact
that we’re going to die soon...

...I’ve never been happier.

Well, we’re not dead yet

so let’s try to find a way
to get out of here.

[chuckles]

[water bubbling]

[grunting]

Balki!

Just kidding, cousin.

Cousins should joke more!

[laughs]

Come on, we’re gonna
find a way out of here.

Cousin, you know,
I wish MacGyver were here.

That man
could take a Hershey bar

a thumbtack and a rubber band

and make a bomb that would blow
the socks off that door.

Well, MacGyver’s
got nothing on Lawrence.

Remember when you got
that chemistry set

and you blew up the garage?

Yeah. I loved
that chemistry set.

It was the best
Christmas present I ever got.

I believe
it was a birthday present.

No, dad, I distinctly remember‐‐

Cousin, cousin, cousin

i‐is that the chemistry set
you won’t let me play with?

Balki, it’s dangerous. That’s
why we keep it in the basement.

‐The basement!
‐The basement!

Guys! Guys!

That chemistry set
could be in the basement!

[instrumental music]

(Larry)
Sulfur.

‐Potash.
‐ Gesundheit.

Give me the potash.

There.

Was it 75% fulminate of zinc

or potassium nitrate?

Who are we kidding? He can’t
even make instant coffee.

Listen, pal.

If my son can blow up
an entire garage

he can certainly blow up
a little door.

Thanks, dad.

Come on, Larry, you can do it.

I don’t know.
It’s not coming back to me.

Well, if it were me, Larry,
I’d go with 10% potash

15% sulfur and 75% zinc.

We used to summer in Beirut.

Alright.

I think we’re ready.

Now I need something to use
as a fuse.

Uh, how about your tie?

Mine won’t work. It’s wet.

We could use Mr. Gorpley’s tie.

It’s dry and it’s making
a nifty fashion statement.

Wait a minute.
This is a $50 tie.

‐Ooh!
‐Just give them the tie, Sam.

Okay, it’s yours.

Alright, now I need something
to light it with.

Oh, wait.

Dad.

It’s the lighter I gave you
when I was ten.

Yes, it is.

And you were eleven.

Alright, Balki,
lift me up on your shoulders

so I can reach the doorknob.

[dramatic music]

Uh, come on, girls.
Better get down.

This could be dangerous.

[grunting]

[grunting]

‐’Be careful, Larry!’
‐’Let’s go!’

‐’Uh, door, door.’
‐’Hurry, Balki, hurry!’

[indistinct chatter]

[indistinct yelling]

You burned a $50 tie
for nothing?

I could have been buried
in that tie.

[explosion]

[all cheering]

Alright, come on!

‐Let’s get outta here!
‐Wait a minute! Wait a minute.

Well done, son.

Now let’s get out of here.

[instrumental music]

Gee, dad, I wish you didn’t
have to leave so soon.

Well, I gotta be back by 7:00

and if I leave now, I’ll miss
the rush hour on I‐94.

Oh! Oh, uh, dad...

‐Uh, your shoes are still wet.
‐Oh.

But I stuffed them with paper

so they’ll be okay
’til you get home.

Well, now,
if you get your shoes wet

and you don’t put
shoe trees in ’em

you can kiss ’em goodbye.

Well, no, dad, the paper
will absorb the moisture.

Lawrence, how many shoes
have you dried?

Today? Fourteen.

Well, then I guess
you know what you’re doing.

Thanks, dad.

Uncle Walter

I made you a nice, big plate
of moogli boozachmonk

to take back to Madison.

Oh! Well, what is it?

Pig bladder stuffed with cheese.

‐Can I tempt you?
‐Uh...

Maybe later.

Uh, Balki, I can honestly say

that meeting you
is an experience

I will never forget.

You know,
a lot of people say that.

Oh, oh, I‐I almost forgot.

Dad, I wouldn’t eat those

or you’ll be stopping a lot.

Ah. Thank you
for the advice, son.

Oh, thank you, Cousin Larry.

Oh, well...

...thank you.

‐Bye, Balki.
‐Bye, Uncle Walter.

Bye, son.

Goodbye, dad.

Balki, I want to thank you

for making me
have that talk with my dad.

Ah, cousin.

Now, you Mypiots may not have

television or radio

or indoor plumbing

but you really know
how to talk to each other.

There isn’t
that much else to do.

You know, it’s like
we always say on Mypos

"A few well‐chosen words
with a loved one

"are worth more than the picture

"that came with the frame

even if that picture
is Olivia Newton‐John."

Words to live by.

I’ll tell you what?

Let’s just relax
for the rest of the weekend.

Hey, great idea.

What do you say
we go get two towels

go down to the basement
and take a dip?

I’ll call the girls?

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

[music continues]