Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 5, Episode 7 - Father Knows Best?: Part 1 - full transcript

[theme music]

♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪

♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪

♪ Sometimes you just
get a feeling ♪

♪ Like you need
some kind of change ♪

♪ No matter what the odds
are this time ♪

♪ Nothing’s gonna stand
in my way ♪

♪ This flame in my heart
like a long lost friend ♪

♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪

♪ Standing tall
on the wings of my dream ♪

♪ Rise and fall
on the wings of my dream ♪



♪ Through the rain and thunder
the wind and haze ♪

♪ I’m bound for better days ♪

♪ It’s my life my dream ♪

♪ And nothing’s gonna
stop me now ♪

[instrumental music]

[sighs]

[knocking]

Dad, it’s good to see you.

Oh, oh.
Oh, put me down.

Uh, dad,
uh, this is Balki.

And this is my apartment.

Oh, no, no.
I didn’t hire a decorator.

I did this all myself.

Oh, this?



This is my scrapbook.

Yeah, I keep all my newspaper
articles in here.

This is Volume One.

Volume Two is, uh,
still being bound.

Hmm? Oh.
Oh, yeah, the trophies.

Yeah, well,
they’re really starting to...

...stack up, aren’t they?

Oh, this one?
Yeah, this is my pride and joy.

I won this playing softball.

I took a ragtag team
of rank amateurs

all the way to the Park District
Softball Championship.

Cousin?

I hate to interrupt
your talk with your...

...invisible friend...

...but your‐your papa’s
going to be here any minute.

Yeah, I was just practicing,
uh, what I’m gonna say to him.

Oh, what a great idea.
I’ll help you.

Yeah, what’s in the bag?

Oh, cousin, I got...

...the biggest cheese wheel
I could find.

You should have seen
the cheese car I took it off of.

Well, that’s great.
Dad loves a good cheese wheel.

Cousin, you know what
I thought I would do?

I thought I would take
this cheese wheel

and‐and cut it up
into little geometric shapes.

You know, uh, circles,
uh, rectangles.

Maybe a trapezoid
or a rhombus.

Balki, cheese wheels are always
cut in triangular wedges.

Well, I beg to take issue.

Balki, how many cheese wheels
have you cut in your lifetime?

‐Well, eh, cousin‐‐
‐How many? How many?

How many cheese wheels,
how many cheese wheels

have you cut
in your lifetime?

‐None.
‐None? As in zero?

As in never ever have you cut
a cheese wheel in your lifetime?

This would have been my first.

Well, I’m from Wisconsin,
the cheese wheel state

and we always cut cheese wheels
in triangular wedges.

Not circles, not rectangles,
not trapezoids

and never, ever, ever...

...a rhombus.

Cousin?

Cousin...

...th‐this is very disturbing.

Usually geometric discussions
have a calming effect on you.

I’m just a little tensed
about my dad’s visit.

I want this visit to be perfect.

This is my chance to show dad
I’ve made it on my own.

When he sees the life
I’ve made for myself

he’ll be so proud of me,
he’ll say, "Well done, son."

Wh‐when I was a kid,
I used to live

for a "well done, son."

‐I never got one.
‐Oh!

Except for the one time I asked
dad how he wanted his steak.

[knock on door]

Oh, that must be dad.

Woo.

This is it.

‐Dad.
‐Lawrence.

It is good to see you, son.

Good to see you too, dad.

Well, this is for you.

A genuine
Wisconsin cheese wheel.

Don’t cut it
into triangular wedges.

It dries out.

Right you are, dad.
Uh, dad, this is Balki.

Balki.

Uncle Walter.

Uncle Walter, I’ve been looking
forward to‐to seeing you

for a sheepdog’s age.

And you’re everything
I thought you would be.

Only taller.

Well, uh,
height runs in the family.

Usually.

Well, so, dad, uh, what do you
think, uh, of my apartment?

Well...

Hope you didn’t hire
a decorator.

Oh, no, I didn’t hire
a decorator.

I did this all my‐myself.

[instrumental music]

Where do you want
these snacks, Larry?

On the dining room table.

Uh, finger food
goes on the coffee table.

Good point, dad.

Finger food goes
on the coffee table, Jennifer.

Excuse me, Lawrence.

Ladies, let me show you
the Appleton method

of folding napkins.

I can show you
the threefold star

’or the Appleton tulip.
Neither aren’t easy...’

Cousin, I bet
your papa will say it

when he tastes your onion dip.

Say what?

Well done, son.

Oh, Balki, I’m sure he’ll say it
when I deserve it.

He doesn’t just throw
around well dones

for‐for the heck of it.

Well, you know, cousin,
I‐I’ve noticed

he is rather thrifty

with his "well done,
sons" and...

...so generous with his
"not that way, Lawrences."

He’s just being helpful.
Dad’s great that way.

He spots what I’m doing wrong

and shows me
how to do it his way.

Like, like the same way
you help me.

Exactly.

Come on.
Let’s go sit down.

You must be very proud
of Larry, Mr. Appleton.

You know, "The Chronicle"
doesn’t pick just anybody

for its Investigative Reporting
team.

Oh, I was very impressed
with that.

‐You were?
‐Oh, you bet.

Of course,
when it comes to reporting

television’s the place to be.

Television, right.
Thanks for the advice, dad.

Well, I try. After all,
what’s a father for?

You know, my father
was for higher mutton prices.

I just remember all the fun
I had with my father.

He used to take me everywhere.

To the lake, to the golf course,
to ball games.

Oh, I did the same thing
with Lawrence.

Do you remember that time
the Yankees played the White Sox

and we drove down to Chicago?

I got us box seats
right behind the Yankee dugout?

How could I forget?

I still have the bat
Mickey Mantle autographed.

[chuckles]
We had such fun that day.

It wasn’t Mickey Mantle.
It was Roger Maris.

Oh, remember the time I took you
to the circus in Milwaukee?

Oh, I love the circus.

Show me 50 clowns
in a flaming Volkswagen

and I’m a happy Mypiot.

Uh, dad.

It was Mickey Mantle.

’A‐and I can prove it.’

I have the bat
right here in the closet.

Uh...

Cousin, cousin,
the bat’s in the basement.

No, Balki,
the bat’s in the closet.

‐The bat’s in the basement.
‐The bat’s in the closet.

The bat’s in the basement.

The bat’s in the closet.

[rattling]

The bat’s in the basement.

Lawrence, it doesn’t matter
who signed the bat.

Let’s get ready for the party.

But it was Roger Maris.

Mickey Mantle.

Dad, uh, you taught me
that being right is important

and I’m right about this.

Alright, let’s go down
to the basement and find out.

Good idea, uh, if anybody comes
while we’re gone

just tell ’em
we’ll be right back.

Come on, Balki,
you seem to be the only one

who knows where this bat is.

Lawrence, I remember it
distinctly.

Roger Maris was standing by the
dugout. You didn’t even see him.

I had to tell you, "Have
Roger Maris sign your bat."

‐Mickey Mantle.
‐Roger Maris.

‐Mickey Mantle.
‐Roger Maris.

‐Mickey Mantle.
‐Roger Maris.

Tastes great. Less filling.

Tastes great. Less filling.

I just got caught up
in the rhythm.

Alright, here it is.

‐Roger Maris, right?
‐No.

‐"Joey Dolan."
‐Who’s Joey Dolan?

Look, he‐he autographed
the ball too.

"Joey Dolan, bat boy."

You thought the bat boy
was Roger Maris?

No, I thought the bat boy
was Mickey Mantle.

I thought the bat boy
was Batman’s son.

It’s an easy mistake, son.

Baseball never was your sport.

Oh, I don’t know about that.

Cousin Larry knows an awful lot
about baseball.

He taught me how to swing
this old hickory stick

so I could just knock
that horsehide

right into the next county.

You show a lot
of natural ability, Balki.

Oh, thank you, Uncle Walter.

But whoever taught you
that stance

didn’t know what he was doing.

I taught him that stance,
and you taught it to me.

Here, you‐you crouch
like Stan Musial

squint like Ted Williams

stride like Mickey Mantle.

Swing like Grandma Moses.

Well, you know, dad, I’ve done
pretty well with that swing.

To prove it, I’ve got
that trophy on my mantel.

‐Maris.
‐Mantel.

‐Maris.
‐Mantel. Will you stop it?

Uh, no offense, son,
but with that swing

I’ll bet even I could throw
the ball by you.

Well, there’s a ball
right there.

If you feel lucky, dad,
let’s see what you can do.

You’re on.

‐Oh, you know, cousin, I‐‐
‐Balki, Balki, Balki, Balki.

‐’Yes.’
‐You can bat next.

‐Oh, no, that’s nothing.
‐’Balki.’

‐I want to tell you something‐‐
‐’Balki, Balki‐‐’

Let me just tell you something.
Cousin, cousin.

Get out of the way.

’Get out of the way.’

Okay. Here it comes.

Nothing fancy. Just smoke.

‐’Cousin, let me just‐‐’
‐Balki.

‐Just let me say something‐‐
‐Balki. Balki. Balki.

‐One thing.
‐Later.

Let her rip, dad.

[clanking]

What did you wanna say, Balki?

‐Well, I wanted to say...
‐Hmm...

"Cousin Larry,
you’re standing too close

to the water pipe."

But now,
that seems rather obvious.

Oh, I don’t think
it’s very serious.

Just a simple repair job.

Oh, God.

Well, we better go tell
the janitor anyway.

[speaking in foreign language]

[rattling]

‐Balki, open the door.
‐Cousin, I would love to.

But there’s one
little difficulty.

The door is locked.

We can’t get out.

[instrumental music]

‐Help.
‐Help.

‐Help.
‐Help.

Help.

It’s no use.
The door’s solid.

No one can hear us.

Don’t worry, Lawrence.

You’ve gotten us
into bigger jams than this one.

If we don’t come back,
Jennifer and Mary Anne

will come down and let us out,
so there’s no harm done.

Well, you know, I think we can
count on some water damage.

No problem, all we have to do
to stop the leak

is turn off the valve.
Presto, no more leak.

Oh, I’ll do it, dad.

[grunting]

It‐it‐it won’t turn, dad.

Well, no wonder, it’s rusted.

And how do we get rid
of rust, son?

We knock it off with a hammer.

‐Right.
‐I’ll get one.

Uh, uh, cousin, cousin. Oh!

‐Uh, U‐Uncle Walter.
‐Yes.

Hitting it with a hammer?

Doesn’t that seem
like a‐a rather violent way

to deal with rust?

‐Oh, you think so?
‐Yes, I do.

Tell me, Balki.

How many leaks have you
fixed in your lifetime?

‐Uh...
‐How many?

‐Well...
‐How many?

How many leaks,
how many leaks

have you fixed
in your lifetime?

Um...

‐None.
‐None? As in zero?

As in never ever have you fixed
a leak in your lifetime?

‐That is correct.
‐Oh!

You see, I’ve always worked
with an Appleton.

Let’s listen to dad, Balki.

He taught me everything
I know about plumbing.

That’s what worries me.

We’re in good hands.

Dad uses tools like a surgeon.

[clanking]

Looks like the surgeon
lost a patient.

And then, after Larry’s father
separated the crackers

by size, shape, and flavor...

...he counted the toothpicks

separating the round ones
from the flat ones.

’Anyway, next he and Larry got’

into some fight
about a silly bat

and they went down
to the basement to find it.

Where are they?

It shouldn’t take this long

to find a baseball bat.

You’ve got two compulsives
and an idiot down there.

For all we know, they could
be tunneling to China.

[laughing]

I think I’ll‐I’ll go downstairs

and see what’s taking them
so long.

Well, tell them not to hurry
on my account.

Let’s analyze the problem.

What is causing the flooding?

Balki.

My guess would be...water.

Good, Balki, good.

Alright. Let’s think.

‐All basements have drains.
‐Right.

But the water isn’t running off.

Which means a stopped up drain.

Right.

You are listening to the master.

Shh. Shh.
I’m listening.

All we have to do is find it,
free it

and presto, no more flood.

Lawrence, you look over there.

Uh, Balki,
you look around in there

and I’ll look over here.

♪ I’m singin’ in the rain ♪

♪ Just singin’ in the rain ♪

♪ What a glorious feeling ♪

♪ I’m happy again ♪

Balki.

♪ The clouds in the sky ♪

Balki.

Balki.

‐We can play later.
‐But I‐I‐‐

Later.

After we find the drain.

Ow. Ow. Ow.

Ow. Ow.

‐Get it off.
‐Oh, my goodness.

‐Get it off.
‐Does that hurt much?

Get it off.

Ow.

Well...

...we know the drain’s
not over there.

‐Larry, what’s taking so long?
‐Don’t let the door close.

Uh, the door locks
from the outside.

Let’s get out of here.

Larry, what happened here?

Dad hit the valve with a hammer.

Only after Lawrence hit the pipe
with a bat.

You were playing
some kind of game?

Yeah, baseball.
Appleton style.

Wow. I didn’t know
there was a pool down here.

This is a dangerous place
for a fire extinguisher.

(all)
No!

[door closes]

Mary Anne,
the fire extinguisher

was holding the door open.

Now we’re locked in.

Well, gee, tell a person.

I‐it’s alright,
when we don’t come back

Lydia and Mr. Gorpley will come
down here and let us out.

In the meantime,
let’s get back to work.

I think I found it.

Is it, is it usually
about a foot wide?

‐Yes.
‐Does it have grating on top?

Yes. Yes.

Well, then, here it is.

Oh, there’s my hibachi.

Why are you guys
looking for a hibachi?

We’re not.
We’re looking for the drain.

Well, you can forget it, Larry,
the drain was sealed over

when Mr. Winslow spilled
a load of cement down here.

Balki, Larry, are you...
Oh, what in the world‐‐

‐Keep the door open.
‐Hold the door. Hold it.

‐Keep the door open.
‐Hold it.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

[door closes]

If you’ve got something to say
to me, say it one at a time.

You just locked us all in.

‐Okay.
‐How could you do this?

[indistinct]

Calm down. Alright.
Everybody. Everybody.

Calm down. Calm down.
What’s done is done.

Oh, I don’t know
if anyone’s noticed

but this water is rising
awfully fast.

Larry, there isn’t a chance
we could drown, is there?

Nobody’s going to drown.

When our other guests
are wondering where we are

they’ll come down
and let us out.

That would be true, Appleton,
if any other guests had arrived.

You‐you invite people
for seven o’clock

you’d think they’d have
the common decency

to show up on time.

Wait a minute.

This place is gonna
fill up with water.

I don’t wanna drown.

Now, hold it. Hold it.

Lawrence is right.

‐Nobody’s gonna drown.
‐’Thanks, dad.’

By the time the water
reaches this fuse box...

...we’ll all be electrocuted.

[dramatic music]

[theme music]