Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 5, Episode 24 - Eyewitless Report - full transcript
[theme music]
♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you just
get a feeling ♪
♪ Like you need
some kind of change ♪
♪ No matter what the odds
are this time ♪
♪ Nothing’s gonna stand
in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart
like a long lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪
♪ Standing tall
on the wings of my dreams ♪
♪ Rise and fall
on the wings of my dreams ♪
♪ The rain and thunder
the wind and haze ♪
♪ Are bound for better days ♪
♪ My life my dream
nothing’s gonna stop me now ♪
♪ Put on your Sunday clothes ♪
♪ There’s lots of world
out there ♪
♪ Get out the brilliantine
and dime cigars ♪
♪ We’re gonna find adventure
in the evening air ♪
Balki, I have great news.
♪ Girls in white
in the perfumed night ♪
♪ Where the lights are bright
as the stars ♪
♪ Put on your Sunday clothes ♪
♪ We’re gonna ride
through town ♪
♪ In one of those new
horse‐drawn open cars ♪
♪ We’ll see the shows
at Delmonicos ♪
♪ And we’ll close the town
in a whirl ♪
♪ And we won’t come home ♪
♪ And we won’t come home ♪
♪ Until we’ve kissed a girl ♪
That was fun, huh?
Well, at least we’re not
doing "Cats" any more.
[Balki humming]
Oh, uh, Balki...
Balki.
I have great news.
My name was mentioned
at the weekly editors’ meeting.
I’m not sure
but I think they’re gonna
give me a big assignment.
Cousin, that’s wonderful!
How you did get
into the editors’ meeting?
Well, I wasn’t exactly
in the meeting.
I was near the meeting.
Cousin, you were listening
through the vent
in the men’s room again,
weren’t you?
Uh, you’re right.
I shouldn’t do that.
When somebody turns on the hand
dryer, you can’t hear a thing.
Appleton!
Y‐yes, sir, Mr. Wainwright?
Your name was mentioned
at the editors’ meeting.
He knows that
and he would know why
if you would just get rid
of that noisy hand dryer.
Balki.
I have a special assignment
for you.
A special assignment?
That’s great, sir.
You can count on me.
I want you to interview
Uncle Shaggy.
‐Uncle Shaggy?
‐Uncle Shaggy?
He’s the host
on that kids’ TV show.
"Uncle Shaggy’s Dog House."
It’s the show’s
tenth anniversary.
First aired March 10th, 1980.
Appleton, Bartokomous seems
to know more about this
than you do.
You’d better take him with you.
Yes! Yes!
Take him with you!
And you’re expected
at the TV show in two hours.
Cousin, you‐you were right.
He is give you the best
assignment you ever have.
The best assignment
I ever have?
Balki, I’m interviewing a man
who wears a dog suit.
[instrumental music]
Well, that’s the end
of our run in the park.
[imitates dog howling]
Now it’s time to look in
Uncle Shaggy’s mailbox.
Today’s letter is
from Ryan Douglas, age six.
And he wants to know...
Cousin, cousin, it’s him.
It’s Uncle Shaggy in the fur.
He’s‐he’s at the magic mailbox.
Maybe he’ll read my letter.
Come on, Balki. Concentrate.
I really need your help here.
N‐now how about this
for a title?
"Uncle Shaggy,
My Life As A Dog."
[gasps]
No!
Been done.
Balki, this is hopeless.
Sam Donaldson couldn’t find
that angle on this story.
Cousin, remember what
Uncle Shaggy always says?
[imitating Uncle Shaggy]
"A difficult task
falls into place
when you start that job
with a smile on your face."
[imitates dog howling]
And that’s why
we always brush our teeth.
Okay, boys and girls,
one more game of leap dog
then Uncle Shaggy has to say,
"S‐o‐o‐o long!"
[imitates dog howling]
[instrumental music]
[imitates dog howling]
‐Say goodbye, Frenchie.
‐Ruff!
‐Say goodbye, Hot Dog.
‐Hoof‐woof!
Bye‐bye, boys and girls.
[imitates dog howling]
[imitates dog howling]
And we’re off the air.
Okay, everyone, that’s a wrap.
Frenchie, you’re looking
a little chunky.
Lay off the table scraps.
[growling]
E‐excuse me.
Uh, Uncle Shaggy?
My name is, uh, Larry Appleton
from the "Chicago Chronicle."
And this is Balki Bartokomous.
Pleased to meet you.
Uncle Shaggy,
I‐I‐I can’t believe
that‐that it’s you!
I‐I watch your show
every week.
Good dog, Uncle Shaggy.
Woo‐woo‐woo.
[laughing]
Don’t mind us. We’re just
laughin’ and scratchin’.
Uncle Shaggy, do you mind
if I sniff around your house?
Not at all.
Make yourself at home.
Uh, he’s your biggest fan.
Cousin, look, it’s‐it’s
Uncle Shaggy’s Frisbee
and his favorite sneaker.
I...
I can’t believe
I’m actually holding things
that have been
in Uncle Shaggy’s mouth.
Well, I can see how that would
be very special for you, Balki.
Oh, uh, Balki, look,
did you see the park?
Well, why don’t you go
for a run in the park?
That’d be fun, eh?
I’ll go through the doggie door.
So, that’s Balki Bartokomous.
I always wondered
who wrote those letters.
My producer said something
about an interview?
Well, yeah, my paper
would like to do a piece
on your tenth anniversary.
Oh, that’s great.
Give me a few minutes
to get out of my costume
then we can talk,
but don’t bring the camera.
I’m never photographed
without my makeup.
Well, it might be fun
for the kids
to see what
you really look like.
No, no,
I never allow pictures.
Okay, I won’t take any pictures.
I’ll see you in ten minutes
for the interview.
But no cameras.
Okay, no cameras,
no pictures.
Thanks.
I gotta get a picture.
Cousin!
Help! Help!
[panting]
Thank you.
I just did 0 to 60
in 9.2 seconds.
Cousin, the canine couch.
Do you think Uncle Shaggy
allows humans on it?
Let’s take a chance.
Ah!
Cousin, look.
Uncle Shaggy sheds.
Balki, I just had a great idea
for an angle on this story.
Male pattern baldness in dogs?
No. No.
But you’re really starting
to think like a reporter.
[laughing]
Oh, I don’t know.
You know, I think a great angle
on this story would be
to get a picture of Uncle Shaggy
without his makeup.
Cousin, that’s a great idea.
The Man Behind The Nose
And Ears.
Yeah.
Too bad we can’t get
the picture.
Why not?
Well, it seems
Uncle Shaggy is, uh
a little camera shy
especially around reporters.
Well, true geniuses often are.
If only there was someone
who wasn’t a reporter.
Someone who’s a big fan of his.
Someone who could get a picture
of Uncle Shaggy
without his makeup.
Ooh, what a story
that would be.
Right up there with the tearing
down of the Berlin Wall.
Well, I guess we’ll just have to
do without a picture. Too bad.
Wait a minute, are you saying
that if you were to hang around
Uncle Shaggy after the
interview, distract him
with some idle fan chatter,
and then at the right moment...
And this is the important part,
Uncle Shaggy
must not know
what you are doing.
...you could snap the picture?
Is that what you’re saying?
I must have blacked out.
I‐I didn’t hear me say that.
Well, Balki,
that is a great idea.
Well, thank you very much.
I‐I...
I‐I do try.
[chuckles]
Too bad it wouldn’t work.
‐Why? Why not?
‐Well, it just wouldn’t work.
But‐but you just said
it was a great idea.
You have plenty of great ideas
that don’t work.
Why I can’t have one?
Well, Balki, you can’t
take the picture.
‐You’re not a real reporter.
‐Well, I...
‐Let me take the picture.
‐No.
‐I want to take the picture.
‐I know you do.
‐I want to take the picture.
‐No, no.
‐Please. Please!
‐No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Well, okay.
Thank you.
But only because
it means so much to you.
I owe you one.
"Story by Larry Appleton.
Photo by Balki Bartokomous."
Sounds pretty good, huh?
Cousin, it’s muzak in my ears.
Thank you again for giving me
my first photo opportunity.
Well, you don’t have
to thank me.
The cufflinks and the money clip
were enough.
[knock on door]
Well, Uncle Shaggy,
what a surprise!
Uncle Shaggy,
welcome to our home.
You‐you want to get
on our sofa?
You‐you want to chew my sneaker?
I’m not here for fun.
How dare you print this picture?
Oh‐oh.
I didn’t capture your best side?
I could take another one.
You had no business
taking this one, Balki.
Oh, come on, Shaggy.
I know you’re a little sensitive
about the makeup thing
but you’re a public person.
This is great publicity for you.
Yeah, great publicity!
Because of this picture,
I’ve been fired.
They fired you
because of this picture?
I, uh, alright.
It’s‐it’s a little out of focus
and the lighting’s dim but...
...that’s not your fault.
I got fired because
somebody recognized me
from this picture
and called the station.
Well, why would they fire you?
[sighs]
I have a prison record.
Don’t tell me.
"Jailhouse Rock?"
I love that record.
Balki, Balki,
a prison record
doesn’t mean a recording.
It means he was in prison.
Why you were in prison?
Twenty years ago, I got
into some financial trouble.
I tried to get out of it
by writing bad checks.
I thought my past was behind me
and it was
until you printed this picture.
Well, well, they can’t
fire you for something
you did 20 years ago.
Tell that to the producer.
She says parents don’t want
their kids watching an ex‐con.
So tomorrow’s my last day
in the "Dog House."
Why did you do this? I told you
I didn’t want my picture taken.
‐Cousin, he told you that?
‐I‐I’m sorry.
This‐this is all my fault.
I‐I didn’t know that’s why you
didn’t want your picture taken.
I thought I could trust you.
I guess I was wrong.
Cousin, we‐we can’t let them
do that to Uncle Shaggy.
I feel terrible but there’s
nothing we can do about it.
Yes, yes, there is.
We‐we can go right down
to that TV studio
and talk to Uncle Shaggy’s
producer.
And if she thinks
she’s going to fire Uncle Shaggy
she’ll have to do it
over my dumb body.
Cousin, there she is.
There’s the producer.
Now we have to go talk to her.
We have to go tell her, "No way
can she fire Uncle Shaggy."
Balki, now I know
this means a lot to you.
I know you’re upset.
But remember,
you have to stay calm.
Well, of course, I will.
Don’t be ridiculous.
Please don’t fire Uncle Shaggy!
Please, please, please, please!
Why is this person
wrapped around my feet?
Uh, I’m Larry Appleton
from the "Chicago Chronicle"
and, uh, this is
Balki Bartokomous.
Uh, we came down to talk
about Uncle Shaggy.
We really don’t think
you should take him off the air.
I’m not taking Uncle Shaggy
off the air.
Well, that was easy.
Maybe we should try
to get him a raise.
The Uncle Shaggy show stays.
I’m just getting
a different actor to play him.
We’d like to see the old
Uncle Shaggy keep his job.
Are you crazy?
He’s a convicted felon!
I don’t want any controversy.
I’m replacing him.
But you cannot!
You cannot replace Uncle Shaggy
just like that.
Uncle Shaggy is more than
just a pair of floppy ears.
More than a set of whiskers.
More than a press‐on nose.
‐More than a tail!
‐Ah!
Balki.
[clears throat]
What my friend is
trying to say
is that Uncle Shaggy
has a special place
in the hearts of his fans.
They’re kids!
They’ll get over it.
Excuse me.
[sighs]
Cousin, what are we going to do?
Well, we still have the power
of the press behind us.
I’m gonna write an article
exposing this whole thing.
No, cousin, we don’t have time
to wait for an article.
We have do something today.
Well, Balki,
what are we gonna do?
Go on TV and tell the kids
that Uncle Shaggy
has been eighty‐sixed?
I don’t think
his age is the issue.
But we could go on TV
and tell the kids
that Uncle Shaggy
has been fired.
Balki, we can’t do that.
We could if we were dogs.
‐Oh, no. No, no.
‐Oh!
Psst!
I don’t believe this.
First, I have to interview
a man in a dog suit.
Now I am a man in a dog suit.
(male #1)
’We’re back in five
four, three, two...’
Welcome back,
puppies and hounds.
Wasn’t that some great cartoon?
[laughing]
[howling in distance]
Oh‐oh.
I think I hear
Frenchie and Hot Dog.
[imitates dog howling]
[instrumental music]
Woof, woof, woof.
Well, boys and girls
it looks like
Frenchie and Hot Dog
are not themselves today.
So I think Uncle Shaggy’s
gonna have to run to the park...
...alone.
[instrumental music]
Didn’t you hear me,
Frenchie and Hot Dog?
I said I’m going
to the park alone.
But, Uncle Shaggy...
Whoa!
Whoa!
Time for a commercial,
boys and girls.
Let’s hear from Water Wonder
Backyard Pools.
Remember, kids, Water Wonder
is impervious to mildew and rot.
We’re in the commercial.
[sighs]
What are you two doing here?
‐Haven’t you done enough?
‐Uh, listen, Shaggy.
We’re‐we’re here
because we wanna tell
the kids at home
about what’s going on.
Oh, it’s too late,
you make a mistake
you pay for it
the rest of your life.
No, no, that’s not true.
Come on, Uncle Shaggy,
you‐you have to give the fans
a chance to show
how much they love you.
Look, I’ve got two minutes
of showtime left.
Let me finish it with some
dignity and get out of here.
Shaggy, you’re on
in three, two...
Welcome back,
puppies and hounds.
Frenchie and Hot Dog
were just leaving.
No, no, wait a minute.
Boys and girls,
and any parents out there
I have an important
announcement to make.
Down, Frenchie.
Bad dog.
Boys and girls,
are you listening?
Shaggy, 30 seconds.
A long time ago,
Uncle Shaggy was a bad dog
but now he’s a good dog
and, uh, they want to
to‐to give his nose and ears
to somebody else
but we cannot let
that happen because‐‐
‐Twenty seconds.
‐Because Uncle Shaggy is‐‐
Balki, we’re running
out of time.
Uncle Shaggy...
Ow!
Listen, kids
and any parents out there.
A long time ago,
Uncle Shaggy went to jail
because of something
that he is very sorry he did.
But that’s behind him now
and he’s changed his life.
But now his boss
want to fire him.
‐So if you love Uncle Shaggy‐‐
‐And we know you do.
...then call this station
right now
and tell them
that you want him to stay.
And we’re off the air.
‐We’re off the air?
‐Yeah.
Thanks, guys.
Now everyone in the world
knows I’m an ex‐con.
Balki, you’ve barely
touched your food.
I’ve never seen you turn up
your nose at pig snout.
I just, the thought of never
seeing Uncle Shaggy on TV again
has made me lose my appetizers.
Well, Balki, we did
everything we could.
We put on dog suits. We sat up
and begged on television.
It just didn’t work.
[knock on door]
‐Uncle Shaggy?
‐Hi, Larry.
‐Hi, Balki.
‐Hi, Uncle Shaggy.
They gave me my job back!
Oh!
What happened?
Well, thanks to you,
the station was flooded
with hundreds of calls,
telegrams.
Kids showed up
with picket signs.
It seems you were right.
I have lots of fans out there.
Well, we tried to tell you that
but you wouldn’t listen.
Thanks a lot, guys.
Hey, why you don’t stay
and we’ll celebrate
with some pig snout?
Uh, tempting
but I gotta go.
I gotta go to the dry cleaners
and pick up my ears.
Oh!
I really wanna thank you
for what you did.
You saved my tail.
Well, it’s the least
we could do.
Oh!
I thought you might like these.
Swell.
My own dog nose?
[sobbing]
I love this country.
[theme music]
♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you just
get a feeling ♪
♪ Like you need
some kind of change ♪
♪ No matter what the odds
are this time ♪
♪ Nothing’s gonna stand
in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart
like a long lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪
♪ Standing tall
on the wings of my dreams ♪
♪ Rise and fall
on the wings of my dreams ♪
♪ The rain and thunder
the wind and haze ♪
♪ Are bound for better days ♪
♪ My life my dream
nothing’s gonna stop me now ♪
♪ Put on your Sunday clothes ♪
♪ There’s lots of world
out there ♪
♪ Get out the brilliantine
and dime cigars ♪
♪ We’re gonna find adventure
in the evening air ♪
Balki, I have great news.
♪ Girls in white
in the perfumed night ♪
♪ Where the lights are bright
as the stars ♪
♪ Put on your Sunday clothes ♪
♪ We’re gonna ride
through town ♪
♪ In one of those new
horse‐drawn open cars ♪
♪ We’ll see the shows
at Delmonicos ♪
♪ And we’ll close the town
in a whirl ♪
♪ And we won’t come home ♪
♪ And we won’t come home ♪
♪ Until we’ve kissed a girl ♪
That was fun, huh?
Well, at least we’re not
doing "Cats" any more.
[Balki humming]
Oh, uh, Balki...
Balki.
I have great news.
My name was mentioned
at the weekly editors’ meeting.
I’m not sure
but I think they’re gonna
give me a big assignment.
Cousin, that’s wonderful!
How you did get
into the editors’ meeting?
Well, I wasn’t exactly
in the meeting.
I was near the meeting.
Cousin, you were listening
through the vent
in the men’s room again,
weren’t you?
Uh, you’re right.
I shouldn’t do that.
When somebody turns on the hand
dryer, you can’t hear a thing.
Appleton!
Y‐yes, sir, Mr. Wainwright?
Your name was mentioned
at the editors’ meeting.
He knows that
and he would know why
if you would just get rid
of that noisy hand dryer.
Balki.
I have a special assignment
for you.
A special assignment?
That’s great, sir.
You can count on me.
I want you to interview
Uncle Shaggy.
‐Uncle Shaggy?
‐Uncle Shaggy?
He’s the host
on that kids’ TV show.
"Uncle Shaggy’s Dog House."
It’s the show’s
tenth anniversary.
First aired March 10th, 1980.
Appleton, Bartokomous seems
to know more about this
than you do.
You’d better take him with you.
Yes! Yes!
Take him with you!
And you’re expected
at the TV show in two hours.
Cousin, you‐you were right.
He is give you the best
assignment you ever have.
The best assignment
I ever have?
Balki, I’m interviewing a man
who wears a dog suit.
[instrumental music]
Well, that’s the end
of our run in the park.
[imitates dog howling]
Now it’s time to look in
Uncle Shaggy’s mailbox.
Today’s letter is
from Ryan Douglas, age six.
And he wants to know...
Cousin, cousin, it’s him.
It’s Uncle Shaggy in the fur.
He’s‐he’s at the magic mailbox.
Maybe he’ll read my letter.
Come on, Balki. Concentrate.
I really need your help here.
N‐now how about this
for a title?
"Uncle Shaggy,
My Life As A Dog."
[gasps]
No!
Been done.
Balki, this is hopeless.
Sam Donaldson couldn’t find
that angle on this story.
Cousin, remember what
Uncle Shaggy always says?
[imitating Uncle Shaggy]
"A difficult task
falls into place
when you start that job
with a smile on your face."
[imitates dog howling]
And that’s why
we always brush our teeth.
Okay, boys and girls,
one more game of leap dog
then Uncle Shaggy has to say,
"S‐o‐o‐o long!"
[imitates dog howling]
[instrumental music]
[imitates dog howling]
‐Say goodbye, Frenchie.
‐Ruff!
‐Say goodbye, Hot Dog.
‐Hoof‐woof!
Bye‐bye, boys and girls.
[imitates dog howling]
[imitates dog howling]
And we’re off the air.
Okay, everyone, that’s a wrap.
Frenchie, you’re looking
a little chunky.
Lay off the table scraps.
[growling]
E‐excuse me.
Uh, Uncle Shaggy?
My name is, uh, Larry Appleton
from the "Chicago Chronicle."
And this is Balki Bartokomous.
Pleased to meet you.
Uncle Shaggy,
I‐I‐I can’t believe
that‐that it’s you!
I‐I watch your show
every week.
Good dog, Uncle Shaggy.
Woo‐woo‐woo.
[laughing]
Don’t mind us. We’re just
laughin’ and scratchin’.
Uncle Shaggy, do you mind
if I sniff around your house?
Not at all.
Make yourself at home.
Uh, he’s your biggest fan.
Cousin, look, it’s‐it’s
Uncle Shaggy’s Frisbee
and his favorite sneaker.
I...
I can’t believe
I’m actually holding things
that have been
in Uncle Shaggy’s mouth.
Well, I can see how that would
be very special for you, Balki.
Oh, uh, Balki, look,
did you see the park?
Well, why don’t you go
for a run in the park?
That’d be fun, eh?
I’ll go through the doggie door.
So, that’s Balki Bartokomous.
I always wondered
who wrote those letters.
My producer said something
about an interview?
Well, yeah, my paper
would like to do a piece
on your tenth anniversary.
Oh, that’s great.
Give me a few minutes
to get out of my costume
then we can talk,
but don’t bring the camera.
I’m never photographed
without my makeup.
Well, it might be fun
for the kids
to see what
you really look like.
No, no,
I never allow pictures.
Okay, I won’t take any pictures.
I’ll see you in ten minutes
for the interview.
But no cameras.
Okay, no cameras,
no pictures.
Thanks.
I gotta get a picture.
Cousin!
Help! Help!
[panting]
Thank you.
I just did 0 to 60
in 9.2 seconds.
Cousin, the canine couch.
Do you think Uncle Shaggy
allows humans on it?
Let’s take a chance.
Ah!
Cousin, look.
Uncle Shaggy sheds.
Balki, I just had a great idea
for an angle on this story.
Male pattern baldness in dogs?
No. No.
But you’re really starting
to think like a reporter.
[laughing]
Oh, I don’t know.
You know, I think a great angle
on this story would be
to get a picture of Uncle Shaggy
without his makeup.
Cousin, that’s a great idea.
The Man Behind The Nose
And Ears.
Yeah.
Too bad we can’t get
the picture.
Why not?
Well, it seems
Uncle Shaggy is, uh
a little camera shy
especially around reporters.
Well, true geniuses often are.
If only there was someone
who wasn’t a reporter.
Someone who’s a big fan of his.
Someone who could get a picture
of Uncle Shaggy
without his makeup.
Ooh, what a story
that would be.
Right up there with the tearing
down of the Berlin Wall.
Well, I guess we’ll just have to
do without a picture. Too bad.
Wait a minute, are you saying
that if you were to hang around
Uncle Shaggy after the
interview, distract him
with some idle fan chatter,
and then at the right moment...
And this is the important part,
Uncle Shaggy
must not know
what you are doing.
...you could snap the picture?
Is that what you’re saying?
I must have blacked out.
I‐I didn’t hear me say that.
Well, Balki,
that is a great idea.
Well, thank you very much.
I‐I...
I‐I do try.
[chuckles]
Too bad it wouldn’t work.
‐Why? Why not?
‐Well, it just wouldn’t work.
But‐but you just said
it was a great idea.
You have plenty of great ideas
that don’t work.
Why I can’t have one?
Well, Balki, you can’t
take the picture.
‐You’re not a real reporter.
‐Well, I...
‐Let me take the picture.
‐No.
‐I want to take the picture.
‐I know you do.
‐I want to take the picture.
‐No, no.
‐Please. Please!
‐No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Well, okay.
Thank you.
But only because
it means so much to you.
I owe you one.
"Story by Larry Appleton.
Photo by Balki Bartokomous."
Sounds pretty good, huh?
Cousin, it’s muzak in my ears.
Thank you again for giving me
my first photo opportunity.
Well, you don’t have
to thank me.
The cufflinks and the money clip
were enough.
[knock on door]
Well, Uncle Shaggy,
what a surprise!
Uncle Shaggy,
welcome to our home.
You‐you want to get
on our sofa?
You‐you want to chew my sneaker?
I’m not here for fun.
How dare you print this picture?
Oh‐oh.
I didn’t capture your best side?
I could take another one.
You had no business
taking this one, Balki.
Oh, come on, Shaggy.
I know you’re a little sensitive
about the makeup thing
but you’re a public person.
This is great publicity for you.
Yeah, great publicity!
Because of this picture,
I’ve been fired.
They fired you
because of this picture?
I, uh, alright.
It’s‐it’s a little out of focus
and the lighting’s dim but...
...that’s not your fault.
I got fired because
somebody recognized me
from this picture
and called the station.
Well, why would they fire you?
[sighs]
I have a prison record.
Don’t tell me.
"Jailhouse Rock?"
I love that record.
Balki, Balki,
a prison record
doesn’t mean a recording.
It means he was in prison.
Why you were in prison?
Twenty years ago, I got
into some financial trouble.
I tried to get out of it
by writing bad checks.
I thought my past was behind me
and it was
until you printed this picture.
Well, well, they can’t
fire you for something
you did 20 years ago.
Tell that to the producer.
She says parents don’t want
their kids watching an ex‐con.
So tomorrow’s my last day
in the "Dog House."
Why did you do this? I told you
I didn’t want my picture taken.
‐Cousin, he told you that?
‐I‐I’m sorry.
This‐this is all my fault.
I‐I didn’t know that’s why you
didn’t want your picture taken.
I thought I could trust you.
I guess I was wrong.
Cousin, we‐we can’t let them
do that to Uncle Shaggy.
I feel terrible but there’s
nothing we can do about it.
Yes, yes, there is.
We‐we can go right down
to that TV studio
and talk to Uncle Shaggy’s
producer.
And if she thinks
she’s going to fire Uncle Shaggy
she’ll have to do it
over my dumb body.
Cousin, there she is.
There’s the producer.
Now we have to go talk to her.
We have to go tell her, "No way
can she fire Uncle Shaggy."
Balki, now I know
this means a lot to you.
I know you’re upset.
But remember,
you have to stay calm.
Well, of course, I will.
Don’t be ridiculous.
Please don’t fire Uncle Shaggy!
Please, please, please, please!
Why is this person
wrapped around my feet?
Uh, I’m Larry Appleton
from the "Chicago Chronicle"
and, uh, this is
Balki Bartokomous.
Uh, we came down to talk
about Uncle Shaggy.
We really don’t think
you should take him off the air.
I’m not taking Uncle Shaggy
off the air.
Well, that was easy.
Maybe we should try
to get him a raise.
The Uncle Shaggy show stays.
I’m just getting
a different actor to play him.
We’d like to see the old
Uncle Shaggy keep his job.
Are you crazy?
He’s a convicted felon!
I don’t want any controversy.
I’m replacing him.
But you cannot!
You cannot replace Uncle Shaggy
just like that.
Uncle Shaggy is more than
just a pair of floppy ears.
More than a set of whiskers.
More than a press‐on nose.
‐More than a tail!
‐Ah!
Balki.
[clears throat]
What my friend is
trying to say
is that Uncle Shaggy
has a special place
in the hearts of his fans.
They’re kids!
They’ll get over it.
Excuse me.
[sighs]
Cousin, what are we going to do?
Well, we still have the power
of the press behind us.
I’m gonna write an article
exposing this whole thing.
No, cousin, we don’t have time
to wait for an article.
We have do something today.
Well, Balki,
what are we gonna do?
Go on TV and tell the kids
that Uncle Shaggy
has been eighty‐sixed?
I don’t think
his age is the issue.
But we could go on TV
and tell the kids
that Uncle Shaggy
has been fired.
Balki, we can’t do that.
We could if we were dogs.
‐Oh, no. No, no.
‐Oh!
Psst!
I don’t believe this.
First, I have to interview
a man in a dog suit.
Now I am a man in a dog suit.
(male #1)
’We’re back in five
four, three, two...’
Welcome back,
puppies and hounds.
Wasn’t that some great cartoon?
[laughing]
[howling in distance]
Oh‐oh.
I think I hear
Frenchie and Hot Dog.
[imitates dog howling]
[instrumental music]
Woof, woof, woof.
Well, boys and girls
it looks like
Frenchie and Hot Dog
are not themselves today.
So I think Uncle Shaggy’s
gonna have to run to the park...
...alone.
[instrumental music]
Didn’t you hear me,
Frenchie and Hot Dog?
I said I’m going
to the park alone.
But, Uncle Shaggy...
Whoa!
Whoa!
Time for a commercial,
boys and girls.
Let’s hear from Water Wonder
Backyard Pools.
Remember, kids, Water Wonder
is impervious to mildew and rot.
We’re in the commercial.
[sighs]
What are you two doing here?
‐Haven’t you done enough?
‐Uh, listen, Shaggy.
We’re‐we’re here
because we wanna tell
the kids at home
about what’s going on.
Oh, it’s too late,
you make a mistake
you pay for it
the rest of your life.
No, no, that’s not true.
Come on, Uncle Shaggy,
you‐you have to give the fans
a chance to show
how much they love you.
Look, I’ve got two minutes
of showtime left.
Let me finish it with some
dignity and get out of here.
Shaggy, you’re on
in three, two...
Welcome back,
puppies and hounds.
Frenchie and Hot Dog
were just leaving.
No, no, wait a minute.
Boys and girls,
and any parents out there
I have an important
announcement to make.
Down, Frenchie.
Bad dog.
Boys and girls,
are you listening?
Shaggy, 30 seconds.
A long time ago,
Uncle Shaggy was a bad dog
but now he’s a good dog
and, uh, they want to
to‐to give his nose and ears
to somebody else
but we cannot let
that happen because‐‐
‐Twenty seconds.
‐Because Uncle Shaggy is‐‐
Balki, we’re running
out of time.
Uncle Shaggy...
Ow!
Listen, kids
and any parents out there.
A long time ago,
Uncle Shaggy went to jail
because of something
that he is very sorry he did.
But that’s behind him now
and he’s changed his life.
But now his boss
want to fire him.
‐So if you love Uncle Shaggy‐‐
‐And we know you do.
...then call this station
right now
and tell them
that you want him to stay.
And we’re off the air.
‐We’re off the air?
‐Yeah.
Thanks, guys.
Now everyone in the world
knows I’m an ex‐con.
Balki, you’ve barely
touched your food.
I’ve never seen you turn up
your nose at pig snout.
I just, the thought of never
seeing Uncle Shaggy on TV again
has made me lose my appetizers.
Well, Balki, we did
everything we could.
We put on dog suits. We sat up
and begged on television.
It just didn’t work.
[knock on door]
‐Uncle Shaggy?
‐Hi, Larry.
‐Hi, Balki.
‐Hi, Uncle Shaggy.
They gave me my job back!
Oh!
What happened?
Well, thanks to you,
the station was flooded
with hundreds of calls,
telegrams.
Kids showed up
with picket signs.
It seems you were right.
I have lots of fans out there.
Well, we tried to tell you that
but you wouldn’t listen.
Thanks a lot, guys.
Hey, why you don’t stay
and we’ll celebrate
with some pig snout?
Uh, tempting
but I gotta go.
I gotta go to the dry cleaners
and pick up my ears.
Oh!
I really wanna thank you
for what you did.
You saved my tail.
Well, it’s the least
we could do.
Oh!
I thought you might like these.
Swell.
My own dog nose?
[sobbing]
I love this country.
[theme music]