Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 5, Episode 2 - Lie-Ability - full transcript
When Larry learns that his father can't pay his sister's tuition to Julliard, he asks Larry if he could help. Larry tries to find a way to get the money. When he gets into an accident, on ...
[theme music]
♪ Sometimes
the world looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you just
get a feeling ♪
♪ Like you need
some kind of change ♪
♪ No matter what
the odds are this time ♪
♪ Nothings gonna
stand in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart ♪
♪ And a long lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪
♪ Standing tall ♪
♪ On the wings
of my dream ♪
♪ Rise and fall ♪
♪ On the wings
of my dream ♪
♪ The rain and thunder
the wind and haze ♪
♪ I’m bound for better days ♪
♪ It’s my life ♪
♪ My dream ♪
♪ Nothing’s gonna stop me now ♪
[instrumental music]
(Larry)
’Now, don’t worry.’
’Everything is
gonna be alright.’
No, I, I promise.
Now, I’ll call you back
in a couple of days. Bye‐bye.
Cousin Larry...
...you and your date
Jennifer Lyons
will be the hit of
the airline tennis tournament.
Why?
Because, surprise.
I’ve decorated
your tennis racket!
Thanks, Balki.
Well, you don’t
seem too jazzed.
Did I go over the top
with the kri‐kri tassels?
No, no. I, uh,
I love the kri‐kri tassels
but I just got a call
from my sister Elaine.
She got a scholarship to go to
the Juilliard’s School Of Music.
‐That’s wonderful.
‐Not quite.
She only got
a partial scholarship.
What does that mean, she can
only go to part of the school?
No.
No, it means
they’ll only give her
part of the money for tuition.
And she won’t be able
to go to the school at all
if she doesn’t come up
with other $3875.
Does Cousin Elaine
have that kind of money?
Of course not.
That’s why she called me.
Oh.
Do you have
that kind of money?
Of course not.
But I promised her
I’d come up with the money
and I’m not gonna let her down.
I just have to think
of a way to raise it.
Cousin, cousin, you know,
on Mypos, on Mypos
a surefire way
to raise money
has always been the goat spleen
and pig snout breakfast.
All you can eat
for 50,000 digdas.
Limit, ten per family.
Let me give that some thought.
[instrumental music]
(Larry)
’Aah! Aah!’
(Lydia)
’Balki, what happened?’
After we left the bank
we had a car accident.
We stopped at the red light
but the car
behind us didn’t
and we got rear‐ended
right in our rear ends.
[grunting]
Now, cousin, I can fix this.
I used to take care of
sheep with lower back spasms.
‐Take the head, please.
‐Aah. Balki, please.
[Larry screaming]
Balki, please.
[screaming]
Balki, ple...
Balki...
Please...don’t help me.
Please, don’t help me.
Excuse me.
[panting]
Appleton, Bartokomous
has to sort the mail.
If you want to rest
sleep on your own desk.
He is not resting.
He’s in pain.
[panting]
The boys were just
in a car accident.
Larry hurt his back.
Yeah, and I hurt my little
finger right there.
Pretend you’ve got a heart, Sam.
Oh, that’s terrible.
[scoffs]
Get off the table.
We’ve got mail to deliver.
I’ll be off in a minute.
I’ll be fine.
‐Cousin, let me help you.
‐No, no. No!
Please, don’t help me.
That would be my hurt finger.
I know.
[grunts]
‐Larry.
‐Ow!
I have seen some backs
go out in my time.
In fact, uh...I’ve put
a few backs out in my time.
[laughing]
So take my advice,
go to the hospital
and have your back looked at.
Uh, it’s nothing. I throw
my back out all the time.
Help me sit‐up.
[grunting]
Oh, much better.
Look, I appreciate
your concern
but I know
how to handle this.
A little ice,
a heating pad.
I’m sure it’ll snap
right back into place.
I have got a heating pad
in my desk drawer.
I won’t be needing it
till the, uh, 26th.
Uh, cousin,
I’ll go get the ice.
Do you prefer
the wet or the dry?
‐Wet.
‐Excellent choice.
Smokeless and it don’t
stick to your skin.
[sighs]
Ah! Ah!
Ow!
Oh!
[grunting]
Oh!
Aah! Oh!
Ow! Ow!
[bones cracking]
Ah! Much better.
Ooh!
[exhales sharply]
So...you got a lawyer yet?
What?
Got a lawyer yet?
Appleton, you were rear‐ended.
You could claim whiplash
and sue the pants off the guy.
Oh, but my back
popped into place. I’m fine.
So?
So I don’t believe
in making somebody pay
for an injury I don’t have.
[scoffs]
Appleton, the guy
wouldn’t pay a thing.
His insurance company would.
Hey, it’s no big deal to them.
I mean, we’re only talking
about four or five thousand.
Four or five thousand dollars?
Yeah, but, hey...
...maybe you have no use
for that kind of money.
[scoffs]
Four or five thousand dollars?
[instrumental music]
Dr. Volvo said
that the best thing
for Cousin Larry
to do is nothing.
And I’m here
to make sure he do it.
Well, he’s been a prince
through all this.
Now, cousin, shh! Shh! Shh!
But the toughest part
is the mental anguish.
You done?
I mean, uh...
...when you’re used
to being a‐an active
vital, independent
member of society.
It’s tough to sit back and...
...not be able to do
things for yourself.
Even the simplest things, uh...
‐Picking up a magazine.
‐One moment.
Tying my shoes,
turning on the TV.
They’re impossible.
And, uh, of, of course the...
...pain is unbearable at times.
But really,
it’s, it’s the helplessness.
The complete dependence
on someone else
that, I think, is the...
...the, the toughest pill
to swallow.
It must be pure hell.
Oh, girls,
he’s, he’s, he’s exhausted.
I’m afraid
visiting hours are over.
Oh, uh, well, we’ll, we’ll
come back tomorrow, Larry and...
Now, don’t worry about
the tennis tournament.
We can play in the next one.
Oh, Jennifer, that’s too bad.
You bought that
cute little outfit, too.
‐Well, don’t cancel yet.
‐Shh! Shh! Shh!
I mean, miracles can happen.
Uh...feel better, Larry.
‐’Bye.’
‐Bye‐bye.
‐Feel better.
‐’I guess.’
No way am I missing
that tennis tournament.
Cousin Larry, you get
those thoughts of tennis
right out of your
curly little mind.
We have a lot
of rehab ahead of us
before you even think about
mixing any doubles
with Jennifer.
Oh, you’re probably right, Balki
but i‐it gives me a goal
something to strive for.
Shh! Shh! Shh!
Now, listen, I’m going
to go to the market
to pick up some
high fiber items.
You just sit there
and leave the striving to us.
Where do I come up with them?
I don’t know.
[laughing]
And...it is triple set point...
...for the mixed doubles
championship.
Appleton begins his
picture‐perfect serve...
[smacks lips]
...deep into the corner,
but it’s returned.
Jennifer’s cute little outfit
billows in the breeze...
...as she watches Appleton
send a screaming
passing shot down the line.
[smacks lips]
Oh, no! Top spin lob.
Appleton back pedals
sets and smashes an overhead...
[pop]
...onto the chalk!
For the winner.
Game! Set! Match!
Listen to that crowd!
Ow!
Ow, oh!
Balki, did you see that?
I sure did.
It was a miracle.
For, for a moment,
I was completely healed.
Completely, but alas,
that moment is gone.
Alas.
I thought you were
going to the store?
‐I forgot my car keys.
‐Oh, lucky for me.
[chuckling]
Could you just, just, just
help me over to the couch here?
[grunting]
(Larry)
Alright. You’re right.
I’ve got to start doing
these things for myself.
I got it.
[grunting]
You’re not buying
this anymore, are you?
I’m not even renting it.
Okay. Okay.
I can see
how from your point of view
it looks kinda bad.
"Kinda bad?"
You have got to understand that
I am only doing this for Elaine.
You’re only doing
this for Elaine?
Cousin, you’re up to your
belly button in babasticki.
No, no!
I really am doing this
for Elaine.
See, the guy who
hit me has insurance
and I can get money
from his insurance company
for my back injury.
You mean, your back injury
that you don’t have.
Yes. That’s the one.
And then I am going
to take that money
and give it to Elaine
for Juilliard.
And nothing you can do or say
will make me change my mind.
Oh, really?
Well, how about,
liar, liar, pants on fire?
Nope.
Well, then, let me
tell you this, Mr. Hot Pants.
It ain’t over
until Roseanne Barr sings.
[instrumental music]
[knock on door]
Come in.
Mr. Appleton...
...I’m Joseph Garber
from the insurance company.
Oh, please, uh, sit down.
A wheelchair.
Nice touch.
I’ve been going over
your accident report.
[sighs]
Bamba stiki ekta kiki
iki eke bakoom. Oh, baby.
Eeni pini epapepopokono
hodgi bodgi bam boom. Yo, mama.
Bamba stiki ekta kiki
iki eke bakoom.
Oh, baby.
Eeni pini epapepopokono.
Hodgi bodgi bam boom.
Yo, mama.
’Bamba stiki ekta kiki
iki eke bakoom.’
‐’Oh, baby...’
‐Excuse me.
(Balki)
’Hodgi bodgi bam boom.’
’A little softer, now.’
What are you doing?
I’m preparing to chant
the epapepopokono
hodgi bodgi bam boom.
The Myposan Litany of Truth.
Do you have
to do that now?
Yes, I do, cousin.
While there might still be
a small glimmer
of honesty left in you.
And if there is that glimmer...
...that small ember
the epapepopokono
hodgi bodgi bam boom...
...will fan it into a flame.
Okay, fine, but chant quietly.
I’m negotiating here.
Bamba stiki ekta kiki
iki eke bakoom. Oh, baby.
Eeni pini epapepopokono
hodgi bodgi bam boom.
A little softer now.
’Briber briber steka deta tiber’
’iki eke bakoom.
Oh, baby.’
Eeni pini epapepopokono
hodgi bodgi bam boom.
From the top now!
The things some people
will do for rain.
[laughing]
Now, uh, where were we?
Based on the accident report
and your medical file,
we’re prepared to offer you
a very handsome
settlement of $2000
for your pain and suffering.
Two thousand dollars?
But th‐that barely
covers my pain
let alone my suffering.
I was thinking more along
the lines of say...
...three thousand eight hundred
and seventy‐five dollars.
Well...you drive
a hard bargain, Mr. Appleton
but you’ve got yourself a deal.
I’ll get the paper work ready.
[Balki chanting]
Elefday, ho hoo
ho ho hoo ho.
Elefday, ho hoo
ho ho hoo ho.
Elefday, ho hoo
ho ho hoo ho.
Elefday, ho hoo
ho ho hoo ho.
Elefday, ha hoo
ho ha ha hoo ow.
Stop it!
Stop it! Stop it!
It’s over.
You can knock off
The Litany of Truth.
I already did, cousin.
The Litany of Truth
failed as we have seen.
Now, I’m chanting
The elefday,
ho hoo ho ho hoo ho.
The Myposian Litany of Hope,
for Elaine.
I only hope you have not
doomed her to the same fate
as that great Myposian
accordion player
Oompo Mousikako.
"Oompo Mousikako?"
I never heard of him.
So few people have.
And do you know why?
Because he, too...
...began a very promising career
in music with...
...tainted money.
Tragic.
You’ll have to tell
me about it later.
I think I’ll tell you
about it now.
Now would be good.
You see, cousin...
...when Oompo was very young
his brother, Bimbo...
...gave him some money to buy
his very first accordion...
...and for years, Oompo
made the most beautiful music
in all of Mypos.
In fact, it was said of him
he could make the sheep dance.
What am I saying,
make the sheep dance?
He could make the sheep dip.
And then one day,
Oompo discovered
that the money his brother Bimbo
had given him was stolen.
He began to play badly
which, on an accordion,
can be fairly irritating.
His brother Bimbo’s
dishonesty robbed him...
...of the most beautiful joy
in his life, his music.
And I only hope
you have not doomed
Cousin Elaine
to the same fate.
Mr. Appleton, I think
I’ve got everything in order.
Cousin, I think Mr. Garber
want to see you.
Listen...
...we both know that this
is a dishonest thing...
...and we also both know
that deep down inside
you are an honest man
...and not a Bimbo.
If you’ll just
sign this here...
...my company will send you
a check for $3875.
[exhales sharply]
Something wrong?
Y‐yes, I‐I‐I...just remembered
that I suffered
a similar injury
when I was
in Little League...
...and if there’s
the slightest chance
that this is just
a recurrence of that injury
uh, well, I, I...
Uh, let’s just say
that my conscience
won’t allow me to take
your company’s money.
[laughing]
You’re joking, right?
I beg to take issue.
Cousin Larry don’t joke
when it comes to
matters of conscience.
Well, great.
Uh...in that case
if you’ll just sign this
release form here...
...I’ll be on my way.
[chuckles]
The guys down at the office
aren’t gonna believe this.
Cousin, you did it.
You did it.
I’m proud of you.
Thanks, Balki.
[inhales deeply]
But I wouldn’t have had
to do the right thing if I...
...hadn’t been
doing the wrong thing
for the past five days.
Oh, well, cousin...
...you know, it,
it usually takes a while
for your conscience
to kick in.
For you, five days
is pretty good.
I suppose it is.
Well, I wasted
the last five days
when I should’ve
been thinking
of a way to raise money
for Elaine’s tuition.
Well...maybe
we could sell something.
I know. I’ll sell my car.
Balki, you paid $600
for that car.
I don’t think
we could get 3875.
Even if we threw in
the fuzzy dice.
Which we wouldn’t.
We wouldn’t.
Well, she’s my sister.
There’s only one thing to do.
[inhales deeply]
I’ll sell my car.
Oh, cousin.
I think your sister
is very lucky
to have you for a brother.
Thanks, Balki.
Come on. Let’s go hit
the used car lots.
Uh, Balki...
...you’re not going out
like that, are you?
Well, of course not.
Don’t be ridiculous.
I’d look silly like this.
Come on, cousin,
let’s go make a deal.
[theme music]
[music continues]
♪ Sometimes
the world looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you just
get a feeling ♪
♪ Like you need
some kind of change ♪
♪ No matter what
the odds are this time ♪
♪ Nothings gonna
stand in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart ♪
♪ And a long lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪
♪ Standing tall ♪
♪ On the wings
of my dream ♪
♪ Rise and fall ♪
♪ On the wings
of my dream ♪
♪ The rain and thunder
the wind and haze ♪
♪ I’m bound for better days ♪
♪ It’s my life ♪
♪ My dream ♪
♪ Nothing’s gonna stop me now ♪
[instrumental music]
(Larry)
’Now, don’t worry.’
’Everything is
gonna be alright.’
No, I, I promise.
Now, I’ll call you back
in a couple of days. Bye‐bye.
Cousin Larry...
...you and your date
Jennifer Lyons
will be the hit of
the airline tennis tournament.
Why?
Because, surprise.
I’ve decorated
your tennis racket!
Thanks, Balki.
Well, you don’t
seem too jazzed.
Did I go over the top
with the kri‐kri tassels?
No, no. I, uh,
I love the kri‐kri tassels
but I just got a call
from my sister Elaine.
She got a scholarship to go to
the Juilliard’s School Of Music.
‐That’s wonderful.
‐Not quite.
She only got
a partial scholarship.
What does that mean, she can
only go to part of the school?
No.
No, it means
they’ll only give her
part of the money for tuition.
And she won’t be able
to go to the school at all
if she doesn’t come up
with other $3875.
Does Cousin Elaine
have that kind of money?
Of course not.
That’s why she called me.
Oh.
Do you have
that kind of money?
Of course not.
But I promised her
I’d come up with the money
and I’m not gonna let her down.
I just have to think
of a way to raise it.
Cousin, cousin, you know,
on Mypos, on Mypos
a surefire way
to raise money
has always been the goat spleen
and pig snout breakfast.
All you can eat
for 50,000 digdas.
Limit, ten per family.
Let me give that some thought.
[instrumental music]
(Larry)
’Aah! Aah!’
(Lydia)
’Balki, what happened?’
After we left the bank
we had a car accident.
We stopped at the red light
but the car
behind us didn’t
and we got rear‐ended
right in our rear ends.
[grunting]
Now, cousin, I can fix this.
I used to take care of
sheep with lower back spasms.
‐Take the head, please.
‐Aah. Balki, please.
[Larry screaming]
Balki, please.
[screaming]
Balki, ple...
Balki...
Please...don’t help me.
Please, don’t help me.
Excuse me.
[panting]
Appleton, Bartokomous
has to sort the mail.
If you want to rest
sleep on your own desk.
He is not resting.
He’s in pain.
[panting]
The boys were just
in a car accident.
Larry hurt his back.
Yeah, and I hurt my little
finger right there.
Pretend you’ve got a heart, Sam.
Oh, that’s terrible.
[scoffs]
Get off the table.
We’ve got mail to deliver.
I’ll be off in a minute.
I’ll be fine.
‐Cousin, let me help you.
‐No, no. No!
Please, don’t help me.
That would be my hurt finger.
I know.
[grunts]
‐Larry.
‐Ow!
I have seen some backs
go out in my time.
In fact, uh...I’ve put
a few backs out in my time.
[laughing]
So take my advice,
go to the hospital
and have your back looked at.
Uh, it’s nothing. I throw
my back out all the time.
Help me sit‐up.
[grunting]
Oh, much better.
Look, I appreciate
your concern
but I know
how to handle this.
A little ice,
a heating pad.
I’m sure it’ll snap
right back into place.
I have got a heating pad
in my desk drawer.
I won’t be needing it
till the, uh, 26th.
Uh, cousin,
I’ll go get the ice.
Do you prefer
the wet or the dry?
‐Wet.
‐Excellent choice.
Smokeless and it don’t
stick to your skin.
[sighs]
Ah! Ah!
Ow!
Oh!
[grunting]
Oh!
Aah! Oh!
Ow! Ow!
[bones cracking]
Ah! Much better.
Ooh!
[exhales sharply]
So...you got a lawyer yet?
What?
Got a lawyer yet?
Appleton, you were rear‐ended.
You could claim whiplash
and sue the pants off the guy.
Oh, but my back
popped into place. I’m fine.
So?
So I don’t believe
in making somebody pay
for an injury I don’t have.
[scoffs]
Appleton, the guy
wouldn’t pay a thing.
His insurance company would.
Hey, it’s no big deal to them.
I mean, we’re only talking
about four or five thousand.
Four or five thousand dollars?
Yeah, but, hey...
...maybe you have no use
for that kind of money.
[scoffs]
Four or five thousand dollars?
[instrumental music]
Dr. Volvo said
that the best thing
for Cousin Larry
to do is nothing.
And I’m here
to make sure he do it.
Well, he’s been a prince
through all this.
Now, cousin, shh! Shh! Shh!
But the toughest part
is the mental anguish.
You done?
I mean, uh...
...when you’re used
to being a‐an active
vital, independent
member of society.
It’s tough to sit back and...
...not be able to do
things for yourself.
Even the simplest things, uh...
‐Picking up a magazine.
‐One moment.
Tying my shoes,
turning on the TV.
They’re impossible.
And, uh, of, of course the...
...pain is unbearable at times.
But really,
it’s, it’s the helplessness.
The complete dependence
on someone else
that, I think, is the...
...the, the toughest pill
to swallow.
It must be pure hell.
Oh, girls,
he’s, he’s, he’s exhausted.
I’m afraid
visiting hours are over.
Oh, uh, well, we’ll, we’ll
come back tomorrow, Larry and...
Now, don’t worry about
the tennis tournament.
We can play in the next one.
Oh, Jennifer, that’s too bad.
You bought that
cute little outfit, too.
‐Well, don’t cancel yet.
‐Shh! Shh! Shh!
I mean, miracles can happen.
Uh...feel better, Larry.
‐’Bye.’
‐Bye‐bye.
‐Feel better.
‐’I guess.’
No way am I missing
that tennis tournament.
Cousin Larry, you get
those thoughts of tennis
right out of your
curly little mind.
We have a lot
of rehab ahead of us
before you even think about
mixing any doubles
with Jennifer.
Oh, you’re probably right, Balki
but i‐it gives me a goal
something to strive for.
Shh! Shh! Shh!
Now, listen, I’m going
to go to the market
to pick up some
high fiber items.
You just sit there
and leave the striving to us.
Where do I come up with them?
I don’t know.
[laughing]
And...it is triple set point...
...for the mixed doubles
championship.
Appleton begins his
picture‐perfect serve...
[smacks lips]
...deep into the corner,
but it’s returned.
Jennifer’s cute little outfit
billows in the breeze...
...as she watches Appleton
send a screaming
passing shot down the line.
[smacks lips]
Oh, no! Top spin lob.
Appleton back pedals
sets and smashes an overhead...
[pop]
...onto the chalk!
For the winner.
Game! Set! Match!
Listen to that crowd!
Ow!
Ow, oh!
Balki, did you see that?
I sure did.
It was a miracle.
For, for a moment,
I was completely healed.
Completely, but alas,
that moment is gone.
Alas.
I thought you were
going to the store?
‐I forgot my car keys.
‐Oh, lucky for me.
[chuckling]
Could you just, just, just
help me over to the couch here?
[grunting]
(Larry)
Alright. You’re right.
I’ve got to start doing
these things for myself.
I got it.
[grunting]
You’re not buying
this anymore, are you?
I’m not even renting it.
Okay. Okay.
I can see
how from your point of view
it looks kinda bad.
"Kinda bad?"
You have got to understand that
I am only doing this for Elaine.
You’re only doing
this for Elaine?
Cousin, you’re up to your
belly button in babasticki.
No, no!
I really am doing this
for Elaine.
See, the guy who
hit me has insurance
and I can get money
from his insurance company
for my back injury.
You mean, your back injury
that you don’t have.
Yes. That’s the one.
And then I am going
to take that money
and give it to Elaine
for Juilliard.
And nothing you can do or say
will make me change my mind.
Oh, really?
Well, how about,
liar, liar, pants on fire?
Nope.
Well, then, let me
tell you this, Mr. Hot Pants.
It ain’t over
until Roseanne Barr sings.
[instrumental music]
[knock on door]
Come in.
Mr. Appleton...
...I’m Joseph Garber
from the insurance company.
Oh, please, uh, sit down.
A wheelchair.
Nice touch.
I’ve been going over
your accident report.
[sighs]
Bamba stiki ekta kiki
iki eke bakoom. Oh, baby.
Eeni pini epapepopokono
hodgi bodgi bam boom. Yo, mama.
Bamba stiki ekta kiki
iki eke bakoom.
Oh, baby.
Eeni pini epapepopokono.
Hodgi bodgi bam boom.
Yo, mama.
’Bamba stiki ekta kiki
iki eke bakoom.’
‐’Oh, baby...’
‐Excuse me.
(Balki)
’Hodgi bodgi bam boom.’
’A little softer, now.’
What are you doing?
I’m preparing to chant
the epapepopokono
hodgi bodgi bam boom.
The Myposan Litany of Truth.
Do you have
to do that now?
Yes, I do, cousin.
While there might still be
a small glimmer
of honesty left in you.
And if there is that glimmer...
...that small ember
the epapepopokono
hodgi bodgi bam boom...
...will fan it into a flame.
Okay, fine, but chant quietly.
I’m negotiating here.
Bamba stiki ekta kiki
iki eke bakoom. Oh, baby.
Eeni pini epapepopokono
hodgi bodgi bam boom.
A little softer now.
’Briber briber steka deta tiber’
’iki eke bakoom.
Oh, baby.’
Eeni pini epapepopokono
hodgi bodgi bam boom.
From the top now!
The things some people
will do for rain.
[laughing]
Now, uh, where were we?
Based on the accident report
and your medical file,
we’re prepared to offer you
a very handsome
settlement of $2000
for your pain and suffering.
Two thousand dollars?
But th‐that barely
covers my pain
let alone my suffering.
I was thinking more along
the lines of say...
...three thousand eight hundred
and seventy‐five dollars.
Well...you drive
a hard bargain, Mr. Appleton
but you’ve got yourself a deal.
I’ll get the paper work ready.
[Balki chanting]
Elefday, ho hoo
ho ho hoo ho.
Elefday, ho hoo
ho ho hoo ho.
Elefday, ho hoo
ho ho hoo ho.
Elefday, ho hoo
ho ho hoo ho.
Elefday, ha hoo
ho ha ha hoo ow.
Stop it!
Stop it! Stop it!
It’s over.
You can knock off
The Litany of Truth.
I already did, cousin.
The Litany of Truth
failed as we have seen.
Now, I’m chanting
The elefday,
ho hoo ho ho hoo ho.
The Myposian Litany of Hope,
for Elaine.
I only hope you have not
doomed her to the same fate
as that great Myposian
accordion player
Oompo Mousikako.
"Oompo Mousikako?"
I never heard of him.
So few people have.
And do you know why?
Because he, too...
...began a very promising career
in music with...
...tainted money.
Tragic.
You’ll have to tell
me about it later.
I think I’ll tell you
about it now.
Now would be good.
You see, cousin...
...when Oompo was very young
his brother, Bimbo...
...gave him some money to buy
his very first accordion...
...and for years, Oompo
made the most beautiful music
in all of Mypos.
In fact, it was said of him
he could make the sheep dance.
What am I saying,
make the sheep dance?
He could make the sheep dip.
And then one day,
Oompo discovered
that the money his brother Bimbo
had given him was stolen.
He began to play badly
which, on an accordion,
can be fairly irritating.
His brother Bimbo’s
dishonesty robbed him...
...of the most beautiful joy
in his life, his music.
And I only hope
you have not doomed
Cousin Elaine
to the same fate.
Mr. Appleton, I think
I’ve got everything in order.
Cousin, I think Mr. Garber
want to see you.
Listen...
...we both know that this
is a dishonest thing...
...and we also both know
that deep down inside
you are an honest man
...and not a Bimbo.
If you’ll just
sign this here...
...my company will send you
a check for $3875.
[exhales sharply]
Something wrong?
Y‐yes, I‐I‐I...just remembered
that I suffered
a similar injury
when I was
in Little League...
...and if there’s
the slightest chance
that this is just
a recurrence of that injury
uh, well, I, I...
Uh, let’s just say
that my conscience
won’t allow me to take
your company’s money.
[laughing]
You’re joking, right?
I beg to take issue.
Cousin Larry don’t joke
when it comes to
matters of conscience.
Well, great.
Uh...in that case
if you’ll just sign this
release form here...
...I’ll be on my way.
[chuckles]
The guys down at the office
aren’t gonna believe this.
Cousin, you did it.
You did it.
I’m proud of you.
Thanks, Balki.
[inhales deeply]
But I wouldn’t have had
to do the right thing if I...
...hadn’t been
doing the wrong thing
for the past five days.
Oh, well, cousin...
...you know, it,
it usually takes a while
for your conscience
to kick in.
For you, five days
is pretty good.
I suppose it is.
Well, I wasted
the last five days
when I should’ve
been thinking
of a way to raise money
for Elaine’s tuition.
Well...maybe
we could sell something.
I know. I’ll sell my car.
Balki, you paid $600
for that car.
I don’t think
we could get 3875.
Even if we threw in
the fuzzy dice.
Which we wouldn’t.
We wouldn’t.
Well, she’s my sister.
There’s only one thing to do.
[inhales deeply]
I’ll sell my car.
Oh, cousin.
I think your sister
is very lucky
to have you for a brother.
Thanks, Balki.
Come on. Let’s go hit
the used car lots.
Uh, Balki...
...you’re not going out
like that, are you?
Well, of course not.
Don’t be ridiculous.
I’d look silly like this.
Come on, cousin,
let’s go make a deal.
[theme music]
[music continues]