Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 5, Episode 14 - Disorderly Orderlies - full transcript

Balki has been volunteering at the hospital and asks Larry if he wants to join. Larry refuses. But he learns that an athlete who's recovering from an injury is among the patients Balki is ...

[theme music]

♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪

♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪

♪ Sometimes you just
get a feeling ♪

♪ Like you need
some kind of change ♪

♪ No matter what
the odds are this time ♪

♪ Nothing’s gonna
stand in my way ♪

♪ This flame in my heart ♪

♪ Like a long lost friend ♪

♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪

♪ Standing tall ♪



♪ On the wings of my dreams ♪

♪ To rise and fall ♪

♪ On the wings of my dreams ♪

♪ Through the rain and thunder
the wind and haze ♪

♪ I’m bound for better days ♪

♪ It’s my life ♪

♪ And my dream ♪

♪ And nothing’s gonna
stop me now ♪

[instrumental music]

Look, I know your place

is a big hangout
for football players.

I know Hank Peterson
comes in there a lot.

So, if he shows up,
have him call me.

Yeah, I‐I know he doesn’t
like to talk to reporters.



I’m not a reporter.

That... I‐I‐I’m‐I’m Mike Ditka.

He‐hello? Hello?

Je‐jerk.

Oh, who am I kidding?

I’ll never find him.

I’ll never get this interview.

Life stinks.

♪ It’s a hap‐hap‐happy day ♪

♪ Doodle loodle loodle
loodle loodle lay ♪

♪ The sun shines bright ♪

♪ And the world’s alright ♪

♪ It’s a hap‐hap‐happy day ♪

Cousin, I just found
a $20 bill on the street.

It’s raining 20s from heaven.

Terrific, Balki.

And, cousin, yesterday
the counterman at the deli

gave me an extra
slice of pickle.

And the day before that

a butterfly landed
on my shoulder.

When will it all end?

I don’t know,
but I hope it ends soon

because it’s getting
on my nerves.

Cousin, what’s wrong?

I promised Wainwright I’d
interview this football player.

The whole town wants to know

if he’s gonna play
football next season.

I can’t even find the guy.

Oh, cousin.

You know, when rainy days
and Mondays always get me down

you know what picks me back up?

Tuesdays?

No.

Helping others.

You know, turning darkness
into sunlight?

Turning frowns into smiles?

Turning fish heads
into chowder?

‐You should try it.
‐I don’t know, Balki.

Doing good for others has...

...never appealed
to me very much.

Come on, cousin.

Come with me to Chicago General

and do volunteer work.

Listen, getting
your mind off yourself

and onto some other
needy person who really‐‐

B‐Balki, I don’t
wanna help others.

I wanna help myself,
so go away.

Alright. Alright. You need
time to think this over.

I’ll be in the archives

trying to figure out
this Dan Quayle thing.

Appleton.

Yes, sir, Mr. Wainwright.

About that Hank Peterson
interview...

Don’t worry, sir. I’m going
to find him. I promise.

We’ve already found
him, Sherlock.

He’s in Chicago General
waiting to have knee surgery.

Well, that’s great, sir.
I’m on my way.

I’ll have that interview
typed in on your desk

before you can say byline.

‐Appleton.
‐Yes, sir, Mr. Wainwright.

You ought to know
they’re not letting reporters

anywhere near him.

Well, that’s that. We gave it
our best shot, didn’t we, sir?

You haven’t given it
any shot yet.

Now get down there
and get that interview.

Bu‐but‐but if they’re not
allowing reporters in

how am I gonna do that, sir?

Maybe this will motivate you,
Appleton.

Just pretend your job
is at stake.

‐It’s working, sir.
‐I knew it would.

Uh, oh...Chicago General.
Chicago Ge...

Who was just talking
about Chicago General?

I get it now.

The vice president
doesn’t actually do anything.

Balki...

B‐Balki, were you saying

that if I focus less
on myself and help others

it would be a good thing?

Well, are we feeling better now?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now, a‐about this, uh,
volunteer hospital job

uh, uh, can you go anywhere
you want in the hospital?

Oh, yeah. The volunteers
get special passes.

So, if I became a volunteer

I could get one of those
special passes?

Cousin, you’re thinking
of becoming a volunteer?

‐You changed your mind?
‐Yeah, yeah, right.

Complete change of heart.

So...I could get one
of those special passes?

Well, of course you could.
Don’t be ridiculous.

We’ll go down first
thing next week.

No, not next week.
I want to help people tonight.

Well, aren’t you
the eager leave it to beaver?

Well, I figured, once you decide
to help others, why wait?

Let’s go.

[instrumental music]

[woman speaking indistinctly
over PA]

So, nurse, how long
before this shot kicks in?

I’d like to watch a little...

General anesthetic
to remove a corn. What a wuss.

Is this Hank Peterson’s room?

He’s right over there.

Mr. Peterson?

Hank?

Hank?

Uh, Larry Appleton.
Chicago Chronicle.

I know you’re a very busy man.

But, uh, just a few questions.

Are you ever going to
play football again?

[mumbling]

I didn’t quite catch that.

Are you ever going to
play football again? Hank?

Hank? Hank?

Hank? Hank. Hank.
Wake up. Hank.

Hank. Wake up.

Hank. Hank!

Hank. Hank.

Hank! Talk to me.

Hank! Hank.

Cousin, making friends already?

Oh!

You are one caring human being.
Come on, we got to go now.

No, Balki, we can’t leave yet.

Well, we came here to comfort
and console the patients.

And we do that by
relating to them.

Oh, look. Here’s a patient
we can relate to.

Cousin...I don’t know
how much relating Hank can do.

Obviously, this man is sedated.

See?

Come on, we got to go.

Well, Balki, uh,
people relate awake or asleep.

Uh, uh, watch.

Hank, if you can hear me

don’t raise your hand.

See?

Wow!

I’ve never seen
reflexes like that.

‐Hi, Balki.
‐Hi, Nurse Bagley.

Why don’t you change
Mr. Vaughan’s bed?

‐I’ll do my best.
‐I know you will.

He’s the "Bed Changer
Of The Month", you know.

I know.

I saw the plaque.

Okay, cousin. Come on.

You take this side.

Oh, okay.

Alright. Well, let’s
get this over with.

Uh, come on,
Mr. Vaughan, get up.

We gotta change the bed.

Cousin...cousin.

I‐I know you’re new at this

but my trained eye tells me
that this man’s asleep.

See?

We’ve got to change
this bed with him in it.

I know the proper procedure.

It’s hospital tested,
hospital approved.

Okay, but let’s make it fast.

Okay. Now...yeah.

First, you gently
fold down the blanket.

Yeah, what can I do?

You can gently
remove the pillows

from underneath
the patient’s head.

[clearing throat]
Now, the next step
is to gently move Mr. Vaughan

into a comfortable
sitting posture.

[grunting]

[grunting]

[grunting]

Okay. What now?

Okay, now, the next step

is to strip the sheet
from the bed.

You, uh, pick up the mattress

taking care not
to disturb the patient.

Okay.

[grunting]
You do that. I’ll hold him.

Okay.

[Balki whistling]

Cousin.

Cousin.

[Larry grunting]

This is not proper
hospital procedure.

Get him off!

Ow.

[grunting]

‐Okay, let him go.
‐Okay.

You’re starting to get
the hang of this.

Okay, now, ahem,
the next step is to gently

gently roll Mr. Vaughan
on his side

and remove the sheet
out from underneath him.

Alright.

[both grunting]

Alright. I’ll hold him.
You strip.

What?

I’ll hold Mr. Vaughan.
You strip.

‐Cousin, I‐I‐‐
‐Balki, please, do as I say.

I’ll hold, you strip.

I’ll hold, you strip.
Is this too hard for you?

No.

The sheets!

Strip the sheets!

Oh! Okay.

[grunting]

Uh‐oh.

Oh, Balki, Balki,
I can’t hold him.

‐Oh, okay.
‐I can’t hold him.

Get him up. Get him up.

[grunting]

Oh, no, Balki!
Balki! Help! Help! Help!

I got him. I got him.

Aah!

Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!
Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!

Aah!

Is that Hank Peterson?

No, he’s the one in the bed.

Okay, thanks.

Excuse me...could you help us?

Come on, pal,
we can’t do every thing.

Aah!
Wait a minute.

You can’t take him.
I need him.

So does the surgeon.

He can’t operate on
his knee without ’em.

We’ll be back
for Mr. Vaughn later.

[Balki groaning]

Balki, this‐this‐this
is terrible.

Oh, cousin, it’s not so bad.

I’m sure Mr. Vaughn
don’t mind waiting.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Cousin, you know,
it was so easy

to get Mr. Vaughan back
in bed after I found out

that he likes to play
"Simon says" in his sleep.

Simon says raise your legs.

Put your legs down.

He’s good.

Simon says put your legs down.

Cousin, we can go now.

Balki, I’m not leaving until
they bring Hank back.

Cousin, learn to let go.

Hank is in good hands

and there are plenty of other
patients who need our help.

But they don’t play football
for the Chicago Bears

and Hank Peterson does.

Oh‐ho, now I get it!

You didn’t come here
to‐to‐to help patients.

You came to get an interview
with Hank Peterson.

So what if I did?

If I get this interview
it’ll mean a lot for my career.

But, cousin, you’re doing a good
thing for a selfish reason.

That’s wrong. Do I have to
review the order for you again?

First you do good things,
then good things happen.

Balki, you know
what your problem is?

You’re too rigid.

I’ll do my hospital work

after they bring Hank back
and I interview him.

Well, they’re not going to bring
him back, Mr. Smarty Trousers.

He’s going to the Recovery Room.

Well, then I’ll interview him
in the Recovery Room.

‐Good thinking, cousin.
‐Thank you.

(Balki)
’Can you pretend to have a key?’

A key?

Doctors use them to open
the Recovery Room.

‐Someone else must have a key.
‐Nope, only doctors

and the occasional
trusted Mypiot volunteer.

‐Balki?
‐Yes?

Do you have a key?

‐No.
‐No?

That was the other
Mypiot volunteer.

Balki, may I have
the key, please?

No, cousin!

And I’ll never
tell you where it is.

Balki, give me the key!

Ha!

When pigs walk!

No, no, no, no. No, no, no.

Aah! No, no, no.

Balki...

...give me the key.

Never!

[air hissing]

Balki, give me the key.

Never!

[air hissing]

Balki, give me the key

or I’ll squeeze
your brains out.

Never!

[air hissing]

Never!

[hissing continues]

[indistinct chatter]

Balki! Balki! Balki!

Just kidding, cousin.
Hee hee hee.

Ha!

You’ll never get that key!

Aah!

Aah!

Ha ha ha!

Oh, oh, oh!

Simon says hug!

Alright, Balki.
Two can play at this game.

Simon says let go.

Ha!

It only works for me.

I’m it.

Alright, Balki,
please, please, please.

I need the key.

Cousin, you promised to work for
the hospital, not for yourself.

Balki, if you help me,
I’ll work here for a month.

A month? Ha!

Simon says hug tighter.

[Larry groaning]

Six months!

Simon says let go.

[instrumental music]

Hank. Hank. Hank, wake up.

Hi, mom. We’re number one.

Hank, Hank, Hank, wake up.

We’re doctors

and‐and we need a little
post‐operative information.

What?

Are you ever going to
play football again?

Oh, you’re the doctor.
What are you asking me for?

Balki?

Hi, Hank.

What are you doing here?

Is it story time?

Not until after dinner.

Hank, we‐we were,
we were wondering‐‐

Balki, please.
Balki, Balki, please.

Hank, my name is Larry Appleton.

I’m a reporter with
The Chicago Chronicle.

Cousin, I think I can help.

Balki, you can help
by being quiet.

So, short interview?
What do you say, Hank?

I say no.

Well, that’s it.
I’m through. I’m finished.

Cousin, may I speak now?

You can do anything you want.
My life is over.

Hank, he’s a friend of mine.

Well, why didn’t you say so?

I tell you what, my doctors are
gonna be in in a few minutes.

Why don’t you stick around

and we’ll find out
whether or not

they’re gonna retire my jersey?

You have a cow?

[instrumental music]

Appleton.

‐Yes, sir, Mr. Wainwright.
‐Great interview.

We were the first paper to tell
Chicago Hank will be back.

Thank you, sir.

But‐but I couldn’t have done it
without Balki’s help.

Nice work, Bartokomous.

Thank you, Mr. Wainwright.

Well, you and Appleton
make a good team.

Well, you know what they say...

...a bird in the hand

will just keep pecking

and pecking and
pecking and pecking

until your hand
starts to bleed.

He helped you?

Uh, a lot.

Well, I don’t know
how you did it

but you brought in a big story.

Maybe I should think about
making this team permanent. Hm.

Permanent?

‐Did you hear that?
‐Yes.

He’s going to do our hair.

Yes, that’s right.

Well, Balki,
it looks like our careers

are starting to take off.

This is a big day for me.

‐Well, it’s a big night, too.
‐What do you mean?

Well, you go to work
at the hospital tonight.

You got your interview.

And now you have to pay
Peter Piper.

Hey, I’m happy to do it.

Well, that’s a good attitude.

Now, what would you like to do
for the first three months

mash down garbage
or work on the third floor?

Ooh, that’s a toughie.

I’ll take the third floor.

Bedpans it is.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

[music continues]

[music continues]