Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 5, Episode 13 - Because They're Cousins - full transcript

[theme music]

♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪

♪ Nothin’ to rearrange ♪

♪ Sometimes you just
get a feeling ♪

♪ Like you need
some kind of change ♪

♪ No matter what the odds
are this time ♪

♪ Nothing’s gonna stand
in my way ♪

♪ This flame in my heart ♪

♪ Like a long lost friend ♪

♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪

♪ Standing tall ♪



♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

♪ Rise and fall ♪

♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

♪ The rain and thunder ♪

♪ The wind and haze
I’m bound for better days ♪

♪ It’s my life my dream ♪

♪ Nothing’s gonna stop me now ♪

[instrumental music]

Cousin, hurry up.

Cousin Bartok will
be here any minute.

[sniffles]

‐Balki?
‐Yeah.

Have you washed
this sheepskin since your mama

sent it from Mypos?



Well, of course not.
Don’t be ridiculous.

If we want Cousin Bartok
to feel at home here

the apartment has
to smell barnyard fresh.

Cousin, did I ever
tell you about the time

that Cousin Bartok and I
made a water balloons out of...

(together)
...sheep bladders.

And we climbed up
on the roof of...

(together)
...Cousin Bartok’s hut.

And we dropped them on...

(together)
Devo the butcher.

And he thought
it was a sign from God

so he lowered his prices.

Were you there?

No. No, I was here.

I was here
listening to you

tell that story over
and over and over again.

Cousin, I‐I can’t help myself.

I’m just, I’m just so...

I’m just so excited that,
that Cousin Bartok is coming.

My favorite cousin
from Mypos is finally

going to meet my favorite cousin
from America.

Well, I’ll be honored, Balki.

Uh, who knows, as long
as he’s here

maybe we can show him
what it’s like

to be a bachelor
on the loose in Chicago, huh?

Huh? Huh? Ho‐ho‐ho.

[grunts]

[laughing]

A‐ah, ha ha!

[both sighing]

What are we talking about?

‐Forget it.
‐Oh.

Cousin, I‐I got to warn you.

Now, um, Cousin Bartok

is a kind of meek

and mild and shy.

He only arrived in Los Angeles
six months ago.

So, you know

you‐you can’t expect him

to be as, Neopolitan as I am.

That’s cosmopolitan.

And, uh, after
the last four years

I think I’m prepared
for anything.

Thank you, cousin.

Oh, I almost forgot
the Babo‐digo‐bo wreath.

The Babo‐digo‐bo wreath?

The traditional
Myposian welcome wreath.

Made from the beards
of 100 un‐milked goats.

I’ll be right back.

[knock on door]

Hey, hi.

I’m looking for
Balki Bartokomous.

Balki Bartokomous?

Sorry, dude. I must have
the wrong apartment.

No, no, no, no.

You‐you must be Bartok.

‐Yo.
‐Well, come in.

Alright!

’Excellent.’

I hope Cousin Bartok
gets here soon.

The Babo‐digo‐bo wreath
is starting to shed.

Balki!

Cousin Bartok!

Alright.

♪ Babo‐babo
digo‐digo‐bo ♪

Wow! A Babo‐digo‐bo wreath.

Alright. Heavy, dude.

Oh, Cousin Bartok

I want to introduce
you to my Cousin Larry.

Cousin Larry,
Cousin Bartok.

Cousin Bartok,
Cousin Larry.

Well, it’s very nice
to meet you, Bartok.

Likewise, dude.

Just go ahead
and call me Bart

that’s cash.

Are‐are you sure
you two are just cousins?

I‐I can’t believe how much
you look much alike.

Oh, wow.

You‐you really think so.

Well, cousin, maybe a little
around the eyes

but I mean, it’s not like
"The Patty Duke Show."

Dudes, I really appreciate
your letting me crash here

for a couple of nights.

Well, why should you
spend money on a hotel

when we have a very
comfortable couch right here?

Oh, wow.

A couch!

If I didn’t
have a bad back

that couch would sound
totally bodacious but...

Ah, maybe I better
just scope out a hotel.

A hotel!

Bite you tongue off.

You’re staying right here.

I’ll sleep on the couch

and‐and you stay
in my room.

You just take your suitcase
and march right on in there.

First door on the left.

Alright. Excellent.

Alright, B‐man.
You’re alright.

Oh, dude, I almost forgot

I got the taxi cab
waiting downstairs.

I’m a little
lean on green.

No. You look fine.

I’m a little,
a little low on cash.

Oh, oh, don’t worry,
Cousin Bartok.

I’ll take care of cab.
You make yourself at home.

Excellent.

♪ But they’re cousins ♪

♪ Identical cousins
and you’ll find... ♪

Uh, B‐Bart, I‐I have to tell you

you’re not at all
what I expected.

I‐I thought somebody
from Mypos

would be much more...Myposian.

Yeah, well, um...

Let me tell you a little story
about that, Larr.

Hey, mind if
I call you Larr?

Well, uh, actually
I prefer‐‐

Great, Larr.
Well, the deal is...

See, uh, when,
I first hit LA

I looked like our friend
Balki out there.

And, uh, people looked at me
like I was this total geek

and I was like,
oh, wow, I was like bummed.

And then, I was lucky enough
to, uh, hook up with this dude

Frankie Bathgate

and he goes to me,
he goes, Dude.

And I go, what?

And he goes, oh, wow.

And I’d go, huh?

And he goes, numero uno,
what you gotta do is get rid

of everything that says Mypos

and that includes,
like, the clothes

the accent, and anything
made out of goat hair.

Hey, um...

...does your apartment
always look like this?

Well, no, Balki
decorated it this way

so you’d feel
more at home.

Dude, the way to really

make me feel more at home

is to get a couple
of babes up here.

You know what I mean?

[laughing]

[instrumental music]

‐Hi, Larry.
‐Hi, Lydia. Uh, Lydia?

I heard you met
Balki’s cousin, Bart.

What’d you think of him?

Ooh, nice.

What’d you really
think of him, Lydia?

Well, it may just be me

but it really turns me off
when someone says

hey, babe. Nice to you.

How many bucks
do you pull down a week?

Well, I like the guy.

(Larry)
’You like him? Wait a minute.’

After you had breakfast
with him and Balki

he stuck you with the check.

I know, that’s why I like him.

Everybody, everybody,
I have great news.

Balki, you got
new sunglasses.

Yeah. Cousin Bartok kind of
talked me into them.

Totally tubular, huh?

Mr. Gorpley, Miss Lydia

I want to invite you
to a party

I’m having
for Cousin Bartok

on Saturday night.

Saturday? I thought Bart
was leaving on Wednesday.

That’s the good news, cousin.

Ah, Cousin Bartok has decided
to‐to start his business

right here in Chicago
and he’ll be staying with us

until he can find an apartment
in my price range.

Isn’t that way cool?

I am totally stoked!

Excuse me.

I‐I’ve got to go tell
everyone else about the party.

(Balki)
’Hey, dudes! Let’s party!’

You have got to hand it
to a guy who can

rip off his own family.

I think I’ll go call my mother.

[instrumental music]

[jazz music]

(Sam)
’So, Bartokomous.’

What’s this great business idea
that Bart has?

Well, it’s really not
Cousin Bartok’s idea.

The idea actually belongs
to a dude in California

named John Greeley.

But Cousin Bartok
has obtained

all the marketing rights.

All that’s left to do

is the, is the wheeling
and dealing

and shakin’ and bakin’.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fine.
Now what’s the idea?

Hold on to your cats.

It’s a beach towel.

A beach towel?

Well, move over Donald Trump.

Balki, I‐I hope this
doesn’t come as a shock

but they’ve already
invented the beach towel.

I know that.

But not a Piece o’ the Beach
beach towel.

Cousin Bartok says
it’s truly bodacious.

You see, it’s a towel,
the color of sand.

So it actually looks like

a piece o’ the beach.

But‐but‐but what happens
if you go swimming?

How‐how do you find
your towel again?

Wow.

That is a good question.

But I’m sure Cousin Bartok
has already thought of that.

He never thinks about
anything but business.

You know...

...the minute I saw you...

...I knew you were awesome.

I was, like, oh, wow!

Obliterated.

But...

...there’s something missing.

Me.

Oh, you’re not missing.

You’re right here.

You are heavy.

This sounds like
a cheap come‐on line.

Forget it.

And I’m not heavy.

Don’t tell me.
You’re Bart‐‐

You know,
the minute I saw you...

...I knew you were awesome.

I was, like, oh, wow!

Obliterated.

But there’s
something missing.

And you’re right.
It’s me.

I see you’ve, uh,
met Jennifer

my girlfriend.

And‐and she’s a total babe.

I should know.
I am licensed babe‐tician.

[laughing]

Where do I
come up with them?

Uh, Jennifer,
would you mind seeing

if the rest of
the Cheddar puffs are ready?

Sure, um, nice
meeting you, Bart.

Later, babe.

Oh, wow.
Oh, wow.

Larr, major wipe out
on my part.

Way sorry, dude.

Look, Bart never hits
on another dude’s lady.

Well, I’m happy
to hear that, Bart.

Listen, Larr, I got
some killer news.

I finally got the financial
backing for my project

and I’ll be getting
my own pad this week.

Well, that is killer news.

Well, congratulations.
Who’s your backer?

Everyone! Everyone!

I have an announcement to make.

Uh, Cousin Bartok

would you join me, please?

Hit it, Balkman.

Uh, Cousin Bartok and I are
going into business together.

Um, with his keen
business instincts

and my life savings

I don’t see
how we can miss.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Okay, cousin, here we go.

Balki, where‐where’s Bart?

It would’ve been nice
if he helped us clean up.

Oh, he’s playing basketball.

Basketball?

‐At 1 o’clock in the morning?
‐Yeah.

He told me he was
going to play

a little one on one with
Ms. Kelly from advertising.

Balki.

We have to talk.

I know what
you’re going to say.

‐You do?
‐Yes, I do.

And I couldn’t
agree with you more.

Cousin, I’m
as tired as you are

of always having
Cheddar puffs at our parties.

Now, I thought,
maybe, we could have‐‐

No, Balki.
No. No. Balki.

Balki. Balki.

I‐I don’t wanna, uh,
talk about hors d’oeuvres.

I wanna talk about
this beach towel business.

You know, it sounds very...

...risky.

Oh, well...

Cousin Bartok and I have
talked about the risk

and we agree it’s
a no‐prob situation.

As he says, you have
to spend money to make money.

Balki, he’s using
the fact that he’s a relative

to take your money.

Cousin, on Mypos

family trusts one another.

Balki, LA
did something to him.

He’s changed.

Cousin, just because he

dresses different
and talks different

and acts different

don’t mean that
he’s different.

Balki

if it walks like a duck
and quacks like a duck

chances are, it’s a duck.

Now, you‐you were talking
about my Cousin Bartok

and then, you’re
talking about a duck.

I know it’s late
and‐and you’re tired

so I’m gonna give
you some time

to organize your thoughts.

[instrumental music]

Larr, dude!
What’s happenin’?

Everything leveled out
and cool, bro‐heim?

Hey, is the Balkster home?

No, the Balkster
is at the bank

transferring his life savings

into his checking account.

Alright, ’cause
I’m psyched to get

the ball rolling on this deal.

I noticed.

Bart, I know
what you’re doing

and I am not gonna
let you get your hands

on Balki’s money.

Oh, wow!

I catch what’s going on here.

I come up
with the most happenin’

outer‐lunar,
money‐making scheme

since the talking teddy bear

and I don’t offer you
a piece of it.

[laughs]
Oh, well, Larr.

You have every right
to be angry.

Mea culpa, amigo.

Larr, I’ll let you in
on the deal.

Go ahead and get your checkbook.

Oh, look,
my two favorite cousins.

I’m so happy
you’re getting along.

Balkman, glad you made it.

I was startin’ to worry.

Oh, don’t worry. Be happy.

It’s check writing time.

Now wait a minute, Balki.

There’s something
you should know.

I did a little investigating.

I called the west coast.

I talked to the designer of

the Piece o ’the beach,
beach towel.

Oh, wow. You talked
to Mr. Greely?

Yes, and according to him,
Bart has absolutely

no marketing rights
to the towel at all.

Cousin, I thought you had
an agreement with Mr. Greely.

But hey, no biggie.
I mean, I get...

Those‐those rights
are just a phone call away.

I can reach out and touch
the dude tonight.

Bart, it won’t matter.

Mr. Greely said he has
no intention of ever

giving you those rights.

Oh, wow!

Major downer.

But hey,
there’s like, you know

there’s like a zillion killer
ideas out there.

Like, I heard‐I heard
one the other day.

Pet rock candy.

Blow my mind!

Balki, with my brains

and you’re righteous bucks

we can make it happen.

Bart, it’s over.

You’re the last person on Earth

Balki would lend money to.

Balki, what are you doing?

I’m writing a check
for my life savings.

‐You’re what?
‐Cousin.

When a member
of your family needs your help

you help him,
no matter what the cost.

Oh, Balki, uh,
you made a mistake.

You‐you made this
check out to‐to Bartok.

And the bank only
knows me as Bart.

No, cousin,
I didn’t make a mistake.

I’m not giving
this money to Bart.

That would be stupid.

I’m giving
this money to Bartok

because I know
that somewhere inside

them fancy clothes
is the Bartok I grew up with.

And I know that, that Bartok

will use this money wisely.

I hate when you do this.

Bart.

Your Myposian accent’s
coming out.

And that means,
the rest of the old Bartok

can’t be far behind.

Come on, cousin.
Come on.

Let it out.

You’ve kept Bartok
locked up for too long.

I have to keep
Bartok locked up.

Bartok is a dork.

Cousin, why would
you say such a thing?

And what is a dork?

A loser.

The only way
I can be a success

is by being Bart.

My‐my friend
Frankie Bathgate says so.

Cousin, excuse me
for saying so

but your friend
Frankie Bathtub

don’t know Dick Butkus
about success.

The only way
to be a true success

is by being yourself.

Yeah, well...

I...

I don’t...

I’m not sure I know
who‐who Bartok is anymore.

I think I lost him
somewhere along the way.

Well, I think I know where
you can find Bartok again.

Mypos.

Well, how I can get back?
I don’t have any money.

Well, I tell you what.

I’ll lend you
the money to go home.

You will?

Thank you, Cousin Balki.

[instrumental music]

"And make sure you give
Cousin Larry my regards

"and tell him when
I visit America again

"we’ll do lunch.

"That’s a joke.

"Where do I
come up with them?"

Well, it sounds like Bartok
is happy to be back on Mypos.

Oh, look, cousin,
he sent his business card.

"Bartok’s glow in the dark
sheep collars.

"Never lose a lamb
at night again."

It looks like Bartok
took a little bit of Bart

back to Mypos with him.

Well, of course, he did.

Don’t be bogus, dude.

Balki, promise me you’ll
never say dude again.

You got it.

Larr.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]