Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 5, Episode 1 - Good Skates - full transcript

[theme music]

♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪

♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪

♪ Sometimes you just
get a feeling ♪

♪ Like you need
some kind of change ♪

♪ No matter what the odds
are this time ♪

♪ Nothings gonna
stand in my way ♪

♪ This flame in my heart ♪

♪ Like a long lost friend ♪

♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪

♪ Standing tall ♪



♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

♪ Rise and fall ♪

♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

♪ The rain and thunder ♪

♪ The wind and haze ♪

♪ I’m bound for better days ♪
♪ Ah ah ♪

♪ It’s my life and my dream ♪

♪ And nothing’s
gonna stop me now ♪

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

Balki, that was a wonderful
Myposian dinner.

Oh. Heh heh.

Don’t spoil it for me
by telling me what it was.

Okay, cousin.



The pig bladder au jus

will be my little secret.

[knocking on door]

I’ll get it.

‐Hi.
‐Hey, guys.

Um, Mary Anne and I are raising
money for the Big Brothers.

[gasps]
I love the Big Brothers!

First time I ever saw them

on "Saturday Night Live"

I said to myself,
"Those guys are good."

No, no, Balki.

That’s the Blues Brothers.

Blues Brothers.

The Big Brothers
is a charitable organization.

Men who belong to it
act as big brothers

to boys who need fathers.

Oh‐h‐h.

We’re roller‐skating
in a ten‐hour marathon

to help raise money for them.

A marathon?
I love marathons.

Will you get
to meet Jerry Lewis?

No, Balki.
Marathon. Marathon.

Not a telethon.

Oh‐h‐h.

Anyway, uh, we thought

you guys might
like to sponsor us.

You know, pledge money
for every hour we skate.

Well, Balki and I will
be happy to sponsor you.

Great.

[knocking on door]

I’ll get that.

How much do you want?

How much you got?

‐Hi.
‐Hi.

Hi, Jennifer,
Mary Anne.

‐Hi, Grant.
‐Hey.

Uh, Larry, Balki...

...this is Grant Larkin.

‐How you do you?
‐Okay.

Grant’s a flight
attendant on our crew.

Oh, I just came by
to drop off my pledge sheets

for the skate‐a‐thon.

Thanks, Grant.

Grant is a terrific fund raiser.

Last year,
this wonderful guy

raised $1,000
for Big Brothers.

‐Oh! You’re kidding me!
‐He’s just amazing.

‐You should have seen him.
‐For those little, tiny...

‐He’s incredible.
‐That’s wonderful!

‐It was nothing.
‐Oh!

Oh, you’re being modest.

It was more than
anyone else raised.

[indistinct chattering]

Oh! Oh, a‐a skate‐a‐thon!

A roller‐skating marathon!

Y‐you know...instead
of, uh, pledging money

I should be skating myself.

‐Do you roller‐skate?
‐’Do I roller‐skate?’

The kids used to call me

Wheels Appleton.

Kids can be so cruel.

No. No, no, they called me that
because I was a terrific skater.

Larry, I never knew that.

Here. Here’s a pledge sheet.

That’s great. We need
all the help we can get.

Well, I gotta go.
I’ll see you guys on Saturday.

‐See you.
‐Great.

‐Bye.
‐It’s nice meeting you, Wheels.

‐Bye‐bye.
‐Bye.

Balki, why don’t you skate too?

Oh, I would love to,
but‐but I don’t know how.

Well, maybe Wheels
can teach you.

Would you, Wheels?

Why not?

[instrumental music]

(Balki)
’I’m so excited.’

Learning how to skate at
the feet of Wheels Appleton.

Tell me, Wheels...

...how long will it take
me to learn how to skate?

I don’t know.

Ha! How long did it take
you to learn how to skate?

I don’t know.

I never had a pair
of skates on before

in my life.

I‐I‐I hate to dig up
a can of worms

but...don’t that mean
you lied to Jennifer

about being
able to skate?

Well, what was
I supposed to do?

Let Grant raise all
that money for charity

and‐and be a big
hero for Jennifer?

Well, cousin, you
can’t keep her by lying.

Lord knows you’ve tried.

And every time you do...

...you wind up with
a pocketful of babastiki.

It’s time to talk
about reality.

It’s time to talk
about the hard facts.

It’s time to talk about
the wrath of the Gabuggis.

"The Gabuggis?"

The Gabuggis...

...the Myposian fib furies.

Eva, Magda and Zsa Zsa.

They are the daughters
of Vertash...

...God of Truth...

...and his lovely
wife, Succotash.

Each of the Gabuggis...

...has one
penetrating eye...

...right in the middle
of her nose bridge...

...that sees everything.

And they punish those
who dishonor truth

by telling lies.

Fascinating.

Balki, I’m sure
I’ll be safe

f‐from the wrath
of these Gabuggis...

...because I am
doing a good thing.

I am helping children.

And even Eva,
Magda and Zsa Zsa

won’t mind if I tell
a teeny‐tiny, litsy‐bitsy

little white lie.

Pop!

To help children?

‐But, cousin, it’s‐‐
‐Children.

Helping little children.

Cousin, you know, I‐I‐I...

...I know there’s an error
in logic here somewhere

but I‐I‐I can’t
put my finger on it.

Well, while you’re
trying to figure out

where to put
your finger...

...why don’t we
learn how to skate?

‐Well, how we do that?
‐How?

I figure the quickest
way to learn

is to keep
these skates on

and never
take them off.

Come on.
Let’s give it a try.

It’ll be easy.

There. See?
What did I tell you?

Well, we’re
not moving yet.

If the sport
was roller‐standing

we’d get a ten.

Alright.

Now we wanna
start moving, okay?

‐Okay.
‐Here we go.

Huh?

‐See?
‐Yes.

‐See?
‐Yes.

[gasps]

[gasps]

Whoa...

[tapping skates]

See? Huh?

We are doing great!

[tapping skates]

Well, well, technically...

...we’re‐we’re
not roller‐skating.

We’re still just
roller‐walking.

All we need
is a little speed.

[gasps]

There, you see?

[tapping skates]

Learning to roller‐skate

is just like learning
to ride a bicycle.

All we need is speed.

Now...you give me a push.

[thumping]

[Larry screaming]

[shattering]

[Larry screaming]

[thumping]

(Larry)
’I’m fine.’

’I’m fine.’

Larry’s good.

[instrumental music]

[telephone ringing]

[ringing continues]

[ringing continues]

[thud]

[ringing continues]

[ringing continues]

[ringing continues]

[ringing continues]

[ringing continues]

Hello?

Hello? Hello?

[clears throat]

There’s your mail,
by the way.

Oh, cousin,
skating is so simple.

And so grand.

So free.

So fluid.

So...

...swan‐like.

So light, so airy.

So cholesterol‐free.

I told you
it was easy to learn.

[tapping skates]

You’re both on roller skates.

Did I miss a memo?

No, Mr. Gorpley.
We’re‐we’re practicing.

We’re raising
money for charity.

Charity begins at home.
Practice there.

It’s for a good
cause, Gorpley.

We’re in a skate‐a‐thon.

We’re‐we’re raising money
for the Big Brothers.

You?

[laughing]

I hope they
don’t need much.

[laughs]

Well, for your information...

...I have collected
the most pledges.

Of course, you did.

Nobody thinks you’ll
finish. Ha ha ha.

‐Oh, yeah?
‐Oh, ho ho ho.

Well, I intend to skate
the full ten hours...

...and to raise more
money than anyone else.

Now, cousin...

...that’s not
going to happen.

Why?

Because you’re not
lying to help children.

You’re lying
to impress Jennifer.

And until you
tell the truth...

...Eva, Magda and Zsa Zsa...

...will continue to be
a thorn in your sideburns.

Balki, I am going
to impress Jennifer.

And if the Gabuggis
think they can stop me

let them try.

’Come on, ladies!’

Take your best shot.

I thought not.

[thud]

Cousin...

...you’re lucky.

That was Magda.

She’s the nicest one.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

So...

...this is Skateland.

Not a professional rink,
but I guess it’ll have to do.

The important thing is raising
money for Big Brothers.

Larry, how did you manage
to get $1,200 in pledges?

Even Grant
couldn’t do that.

I guess some
of us have it

and some
of us don’t.

[imitating Larry]
And some of us can’t
get rid of it.

Jennifer, let’s go
put on our skates.

‐Hi, Grant.
‐Hi, Wheels.

I’ll catch you later.

Cousin...

...this is your
last chance

to tell Jennifer
the truth.

The air is thick
with Gabuggis.

Oh. Another Gabuggi update.

You know, Balki, I’m
beginning to understand

why on Mypos a sheep can
run for public office.

(male announcer)
’The skate‐a‐thon is underway!’

’Good luck, everybody!’

[instrumental music]

’Three hours to go!’

’Hang in there, skaters!’

[music continues]

’We’re in the homestretch!’

[music continues]

’Twenty seconds to go!’

You can do it, Larry!

‐Go, Balki!
‐Go, Larry!

Go, Balki!

Why can’t you ever
cheer for my boyfriend?

Oh, okay. Go, Larry!

Are we moving?

Are we moving?

Three.

Two.

One!

[buzzer buzzing]

I did it. I did it!

I raised more money than Grant.

Larry, you
were wonderful.

Oh, Balki, did you hear that?

Jennifer thinks I’m wonderful.

You were wonderful
too, Balki.

And my heart is pure.

I’m so proud
of you, Larry.

Do you know you
raised the most money?

Did I?

Well...it doesn’t matter

who raised the most money.

I never thought of this
as a competition.

I just welcome
the opportunity

to unselfishly
devote my time

and skating ability
to those in need.

[drumroll]

Ladies and gentlemen, may I
have your attention, please?

Cunningham hardware has
offered to donate $500

to the Big Brothers
in the name of the person

who can jump the most barrels.

[indistinct chattering]

Well, their
money is safe.

After ten hours,
nobody’s got

the energy
to do that.

I do.

‐You do?
‐Sure.

I’ll give it a shot.

This is exciting.

Jennifer, let’s
go over there

where I can get
a better picture.

No. This can’t
be happening.

The skate‐a‐thon is over.

I won, and they’re
taking a picture of Grant?

[intense music]

‐Come on, Grant! You can do it!
‐Come on, Grant! Go, Grant!

‐’Come on!’
‐’You can do it!’

[crowd cheering]

[indistinct chattering]

[music continues]

[crowd cheering]

[crowd clapping]

[clapping continues]

Face it, cousin.

All your lying
was for nothing.

But it’s still
not too late

to save yourself from
the wrath of the Gabuggis

by telling
Jennifer the truth.

[sighs]
Maybe you’re right.

‐Larry.
‐Jennifer.

Did you see Grant fly
over those barrels?

It is the most beautiful
thing I ever saw.

Add another barrel!

Larry, you
jump barrels?

I’m from Wisconsin,
the barrel‐jumping state.

I’m gonna get
Mary Anne’s camera.

Cousin, no, no, no.

I can’t let you do this.

The Gabuggis,
I had a feeling

have been just waiting
to get you over a barrel.

Balki, I can’t
let Grant beat me.

‐Now, get out of my way!
‐No, cousin.

I have to save you.

Oh, my Lord!

‐What?
‐Balki, you were right.

‐I see them.
‐Who?

‐The Gabuggis.
‐Where?

Over there!

[grunts]

[intense music]

‐Go, Larry!
‐Come on, Wheels.

‐’Come on, Wheels.’
‐’You can do it.’

[crowd cheering]

[intense music]

[music continues]

[clanging]

[instrumental music]

[Larry grunting]

[grunting continues]

[sighs]
Larry...

...I’m sure
you’re a good skater

but you were crazy to try
to jump that many barrels.

Jennifer, I have
a confession to make.

Until four days ago

I never skated
before in my life.

And Wisconsin is
actually the dairy state.

And, uh, I’m not
five foot ten.

Boy, when
you come clean

you leave a ring
around the tub.

Why did you
lie to me, Larry?

I was just
jealous of Grant.

Jealous of Grant?

Grant is a happily
married man.

Well, you never
mentioned he was married.

Well, I didn’t think
it was important.

I guess I made a fool
out of myself, Jennifer.

Well, you‐you didn’t...

...except for maybe
the barrel‐jumping thing, but...

[sighs]

...at least you
raised a lot of money

for the Big Brothers.

Thanks for that.

Balki, I had
a wonderful time.

Maybe tomorrow
you can come up

and we can play
roller derby.

I’m counting the moments

my little lamb‐shank.

Well, bye, Larry.

We’ll see you
guys tomorrow.

Oh, yeah. And by then I’ll
have the pictures developed.

And then we can
relive the whole thing.

Oh, good.

[grunts]

Ah!

I never should
have lied, Balki.

‐That is correct.
‐You were right.

That is correct.

When I lie,
something bad happens.

The Gabuggis
make sure of that.

‐Are they still here?
‐No.

They slipped out the moment
you told the truth.

Oh.

They’re probably
on their way

back to Washington.

[theme music]

[theme music]