Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 4, Episode 8 - College Bound - full transcript

[David Pomeranz performing
"Nothing's Gonna Stop Me Now"]

♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪

♪ Nothin' to rearrange ♪

♪ Sometimes you just
get a feeling ♪

♪ Like you need ♪

♪ Some kind of change ♪

♪ No matter what the odds
are this time ♪

♪ Nothing's gonna
stand in my way ♪

♪ This flame in my heart ♪

♪ And a long lost friend ♪

♪ Gives every dark street ♪



♪ A light at the end ♪

♪ Standing tall ♪

♪ On the wings
of my dream ♪

♪ Rise and fall ♪

♪ On the wings
of my dream ♪

♪ Through the rain and thunder
the wind and haze ♪

♪ I'm bound for better days ♪

♪ It's my life ♪

♪ And my dream ♪

♪ And nothing's gonna
stop me now ♪

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

What are you doing?

I'm gonna put ice cream
in the punch.



You don't
put it in now!

It's gonna melt
before Balki gets here.

Well, you‐you're
putting the soda in!

Soda doesn't melt.

Don't you know anything
about making punch?

Hello, I can
make a punch!

M‐maybe, I should have gone
down to the school with Balki.

Uh, he was so nervous.

Larry, you can't take
his entrance exam for him.

It's just one of those things
has to do on his own.

But getting into college
is so important to Balki.

Gosh! Balki going to college?

It seems like he just
graduated from high school.

He did just graduate
from high school.

Oh, right.

You know, I don't know what
the big deal is about college?

I went to college
and other than learning

how complex hydrocarbons are
broken down to make glyceride

I didn't get
anything out of it.

Alright, Balki
going to college.

Duh, I can't believe
he's come so far so fast.

And if you had seen him when he
first walked through my door

you‐you wouldn't have thought
he was college material.

Am I looking up
Larry Appleton?

Larry Appleton.
That's me.

Larry, Larry, Larry!

I look
everywhere for you!

I walked the streets,
I searched the alleys.

I say to everyone,
"Have you seen Larry?"

You don't know how many people
have never heard of you!

But now I find you

and I'm safe, I'm safe!

Yes, yes,
now you're safe.

Who are you?

I'm Balki Bartokomous.

Philo, my fifth cousin,
three times removed

is a step‐uncle to your father
on my mother's side

two continents removed.

I see, so we're
sort of related by rumor.

[sighs]
America.

Land of my dreams..

...home of the whopper.

You mean, that's why you two
got to be roommates?

Balki just showed up
on your doorstep one day?

Yeah.

He was a real babe
in the woods.

Yeah, if I hadn't taken
him under my wing

there's‐there's no telling

what would've happened to him.

He had no experience
with women.

I had to teach
him everything.

You know, Balki told me
about the time

you took him
to that singles bar..

He did?

Uh, the way
Balki tells it

you were both
babes in the woods.

So Larry took Balki
to a singles bar to meet women..

[instrumental music]

So, this is one
of your American mating places?

Meeting.
A meeting place.

People meet
each other here.

They mate
somewhere else.

Go slow.
Take it easy.

Be cool.

I know how to be cool.

Hey, mama, you be getting down
with you bad self.

What are you doing?

Alright, let's
get this over with

so I can go home.

Now, the first thing is
what we call eye contact.

Eye contact.

Like the three stooges?

Ay‐na‐nay, pook.

‐ Alright, I'm going, I'm out‐‐
‐ No, no, cousin, cousin.

Okay. Okay.

Look, for safety's sake, we had
better define eye contact.

You look, look

into a woman's eyes
from across the room

and if she looks back, you know,
and you kind of hold the look

that's eye contact.

Like that woman
is looking at you?

What woman?

Don't point.

After you've made,
uh, eye contact..

...you work your way
over to the woman

and, uh, use
your opening line.

Something like, uh

"You come here often?"

"Can I buy you
a drink?"

"Didn't we meet
in the Oval Office?"

Things like that.

‐ Can I try it?
‐ Oh...okay.

I have made
eye contact.

Oh, boy.

‐ Can I try my opening line?
‐ Alright, go ahead.

Just, uh, don't
tell her you know me.

Hello.

Do you
come here often?

No.

Would you smother me

with your
beautiful American body?

Excuse us.

You were one step away
from throwing yourself

at that woman's feet,
weren't you?

Old habits die hard.

Why don't you show me,
Cousin Larry?

You're the expert.

Look, look, I‐I just don't
like these places.

And besides, I'm..

...I'm more of a kind of, uh,
talking expert

than a, uh..

Uh...I really don't
wanna meet anyone.

That woman is still
looking at you.

She is?

Yes, she is.

Oh, my God,
she is.

Go ahead and get her,
you love‐devil.

Alright...but this
is a little faster

than I usually
like to operate.

I'm only doing this
for you.

So..

Hey, pal,
that's my girlfriend!

Balki..

'Balki.'

Balki..

[laughing]

I wish, I wish
I could've seen that.

I'm a sucker
for a cheap laugh.

Uh, you know, I‐I don't mean
to split hairs here

but, uh, that is

not at all the way
I remember it.

Well, did the guy
beat you up or not?

Well..

Uh..

"Beat up"
is such a strong term.

Sounds like he got
his butt kicked.

[laughs]

Look, there have been
countless times

th‐that Balki has needed me

and I have been
there for him.

I mean, for instance, the time
he invited his friend Gina

to‐to stay with us while
her husband was out of town‐‐

Gina, i‐isn't she the one
who had her baby

while she was
staying with you?

Yes, in the middle
of the night.

And if I had not been there
with one of my foolproof plans

well, there is no telling
what would've happened.

Oh, that's interesting.

Uh, the way I heard it

your plan
sort of fell apart!

Well..

Larry had rehearsed
everything

using a stopwatch, so..

Balki, it's time.

‐ Gina? It's time?
‐ Yes.

Ah, Gina, how exciting!

‐ Little baby.
‐ Mm.

Why is the light on?

The‐the baby's
coming, Larry.

What baby?

Who are you?

Why am I holding a sheep?

He doesn't
wake up well.

Cousin, it's Gina.
Remember the plan?

The plan? Yes.
Of course, I remember the plan.

It's my plan.
Alright.

No need to worry.
First babies take a long time.

Oh, well, Larry,
I've been in labor a long time.

Why didn't you tell us?

Well, I didn't wanna
bother you.

You were up so late.

Alright.
Don't panic!

Go!

‐ Are you alright?
‐ Yes. Yes, I'm okay.

‐ What are you doing?
‐ Calling the hospital.

Ca‐calling the hospital
is my job.

‐ You get the suitcase!
‐ But..

I‐I called the hospital
last time.

Look, I gave you
a chance to prove

you're a good communicator,
and what did you say?

"Hello, hospital?
Baby is coming."

Cavemen are
more articulate!

Could you please hurry?

Oh!

Hello, hospital?
The baby is coming.

Brilliant!

‐ I forgot to tell who‐‐
‐ Oh, L‐Larry, there's no time.

We get to the hospital

they'll probably figure out
why I'm there.

Good‐good thinking.
Okay. Alright.

No need to panic.
Everything is under control.

Alright, I get the note

and we are gone..

Yes!

My keys. My keys.
Where are my keys?

‐ They're in your pants.
‐ Where are my pants?

‐ Where are my pants?
‐ They're in the closet.

Where is the closet?
Where is the closet?

‐ Cousin..
‐ Look, look.

We can't get to the hospital
without my keys.

‐ 'Cousin‐‐'
‐ Don't cousin me now.

Look, look,
I don't have my keys.

I don't have my pants.

I can't do this!

She'll just have to have
the baby at some other time!

Why don't you help me?

[panting]

Oh. Oh, I see.

You're trying to make me
look bad in front of Gina.

Where is Gina?
Where is the mother?

We can't do this
without the mother!

[panting]

Cousin.

Someday you'll forgive me
for this.

Feel better?

No.

Can we go have a baby now?

Okay.

I'll follow you.

Where're you going?

‐ To the hospital.
‐ Right, yes.

Gina, there you are.
Thank God!

[instrumental music]

You know, I'm a little worried
about Balki.

Shouldn't he be finished
with his exam by now?

What if he sat down

to take the test and froze up?

I mean, what‐what‐what
if his mind went blank

and he couldn't
remember a thing?

What‐what‐what if
he got dizzy

and, and the room
started spinning and..

...and he started
hyperventilating..

You mean, like what
happens to you

when you sit down to write
your advice column?

Alright.

Alright. I'm just not
gonna talk anymore.

That way no one
can make fun of me.

Ladies, ladies,
we're‐we're all a little edgy

because we're worried
about Balki.

Oh, but maybe I should
have gone down there with him.

He always needs me
to get through

these pressure situations.

You know, if I
wasn't there to help him

he wouldn't have gotten through
his first day of work.

Wait a minute.
I was there.

And I wouldn't call
what you did help.

Now Gorpley was looking
for a reason to fire Balki.

And Larry was trying to write
his first article

for the newspaper,
when all of a sudden..

‐ You've finished?
‐ Yes, yes, yes.

I'm finished.

This is all of 'em?

Yes. I'm sorry
it take so long.

But I‐I thought that I would
alphabeticalize them.

Is that okay?

You think you're pretty smart,
don't you?

Well, I'm no
Sam Donaldson, but..

We'll see
how smart you are.

I need 100 copies
of this flyer.

You've got ten minutes.

Oh, but guess what?
The copy machine is broke.

Hey, relax,
I'm looking out for you.

You can use
the mimeograph machine.

See, I even got your stencil.
All ready to go.

Ten minutes,
Bartokomous.

Now, if you can't
do the job..

...I know someone who can.

Balki, you need help with
the mimeograph machine?

‐ Oh, no, no, cousin.
‐ Good.

Just...point
it out to me.

Oh.

Back here, look here.

Just wheel it out to your table

and I'll plug it in.

Alright.

‐ 'Alright, get the stencil!'
‐ Okay.

Okay, get the paper.

Paper.

‐ Paper.
‐ Okay. Stencil's on.

Paper goes in here

and turn it on here.

‐ Get it?
‐ Got it.

Good.

‐ How's it going, Balki?
‐ Oh, it's going fine!

Just, just dandy.

You just finish
your article.

‐ Balki.
‐ No, no. No problem.

No problem, cousin.

‐ Appleby?
‐ Uh, yes, sir.

I need that article
in five minutes.

Yes, sir.
Appleton, sir, Appleton.

‐ Alright.
‐ Cousin, no!

You have to do
your article.

Balki, look, I can
do this in just a‐‐

Cousin, you only have
five minutes and you just‐‐

I'll‐I'll just take
a look at this here.

Alright, look, see,
here's the problem.

You got all these papers
jammed under the drum, here.

Alright.

Oh, alright. Oops!

Get the basket!

‐ The basket?
‐ The paper basket!

The paper basket.

'I got it.'

‐ Ooh! Balki!
‐ Cousin! Cousin!

It's alive!

And it's hungry!

Turn it off!
Turn it off!

It, it...I can't!

[groaning]

[whirring]

[groaning]

‐ Balki, Balki!
‐ What?

The plug, the plug,
the plug.

‐ The plug?
‐ The plug. The plug, Balki.

The plug!

Ow. Ow.

‐ I did it!
‐ Oh!

Appleman, where
is the story?

Mr. Burns, something came up

and I still have a bit of
polishing to do.

This is‐this is news,
not silverware.

I need a story!

Mr. Burns, it was my fault.

I accidentally threw
his article away.

But I just found it.

Well, actually,
that's not the final

final version.

‐ If I could just have a..
‐ It's pretty good.

Well, Mr. Burns, if I could
only.. Pretty good?

I'd say, for your first
assignment

it's pretty good.

See you on Monday,
Appleton.

Then maybe
you can explain to me

why you were trying
to mimeograph your tie!

[laughing]

Okay. Okay, alright.

That particular time

Balki was more help to me
than I was to him.

But that was
an exception.

I mean, more often than not

he wouldn't know what to do

unless I led him
by the hand.

Come on, you guys
know that!

I mean, why do I feel like
I'm defending myself?

I think of all the times

that if I wasn't there

he wouldn't know
what to do.

Jennifer, you can think
of something.

Oh, of course I can.

‐ Harriette?
‐ I got nothin', baby.

‐ Lydia?
‐ I'm not saying anything.

I don't want to open myself
to insults.

‐ I've got one.
‐ Yeah, there. You see?

I remember the time you
taught Balki all about plumbing?

'You see, Jennifer and I
were out of town'

and Larry offered
to fix our shower.

And so he and Balki went up
there while we were..

Boy, cousin.

This place looks like the
Ty‐D‐Bol Man man went berserk.

If you want
to make an omelet

you've got to break some eggs.

A few cans of spackle

and they'll never know
we've been here.

Boy, this spackle
must be amazing stuff.

Yes, it is.

Now, what do you say
we button this job up?

Jennifer and Mary Anne
will be back tonight.

Cousin..

...where does this go?

Trash.

Well, I think we're ready
to test this baby.

[air howling]

[shattering]

It's broken.

No!

[groaning]

[sputtering]

[splashing]

Well, do something!

[grunting]

[sputtering]

Don't look at me!

Find the cut‐off valve!

I think it's underneath
the sink!

‐ Then turn it off!
‐ But I can't‐‐

Turn it off!

Cousin, I can't!
My fingers are stuck.

Go on without me,
cousin.

[sobbing]
Save yourself!

Aah!

[groaning]

Balki, get up!

[splashing]

[indistinct yelling]

[panting]

[sobbing]

[water gurgling]

Well..

Maybe that wasn't
a good example.

I guess I'm wrong.

I haven't been
helping Balki.

I've been
holding him back.

Oh, my God!

I helped him study
for his entrance exam.

He probably went
down there and failed

all because of me.

I should get out
of his life.

Look at me!
I'm a college man!

Balki, you did it!

Alright,
alright.

♪ For he's a jolly good ♪

No, no.
Wait, wait, wait.

Wait, before you sing
"For He's a Jolly Good Felon"

there's something
I want to say.

Like so many other things
that have happened to me

since I come
to this country

I couldn't have done this
without my Cousin Larry.

‐ Really?
‐ Well, yes!

Did you hear that?

He couldn't have
done it without me.

What was it? The coaching I gave
you on language section?

Or the work I did with you
on the math drills?

O‐or the mnemonic coding

I gave you to remember
the history dates?

Well, those were all great

but I was referring
to the fact

that you loaned me
your pencil.

Oh, come on, cousin,
I‐I'm‐I'm just kidding.

That's‐that's college humor.

Cousin, what do you say?

Now we're so happy,
we do the dance of joy!

♪ Di di di di ♪

♪ Di di di di di ♪

♪ Hey hey hey hey ♪

♪ Hey hey hey ♪

(all)
Yay!

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

[music continues]