Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 4, Episode 3 - Aliens - full transcript

[David Pomeranz performing
"Nothing's Gonna Stop Me Now"]

♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪

♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪

♪ Sometimes you just
get a feeling ♪

♪ Like you need
some kind of change ♪

♪ No matter what the odds
are this time ♪

♪ Nothing's gonna stand
in my way ♪

♪ This flame in my heart ♪

♪ Like a long lost friend ♪

♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪

♪ Standing tall ♪



♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

♪ Rise and fall ♪

♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

♪ The rain and thunder
the wind and haze ♪

♪ I'm bound for better days ♪

♪ It's my life ♪

♪ My dream ♪

♪ And nothing's gonna
stop me now ♪

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

Well, it's gonna be
a great party.

Okay, well, maybe next year.

Okay. Bye‐bye.

Okay, we're here.
What's all the fuss about?



Larry, what's the matter?

I was in the middle
of a very important phone call.

What were you doing?

Asking your hairdresser
if you should go back to

your natural color?

Ladies.

For your information, Harriette,
This is my natural color.

Ladies.

It's about as natural
as Astroturf.

Ladies, Balki and I want
you to come

to our Halloween party.

We're gonna watch
the horror movie marathon.

Oh, no thanks,
I hate Halloween.

I don't like any holiday

that condones wearing
orange and black together.

The real reason
you don't wanna go

is because you're chicken.

I am not.

Oh, come on.

You haven't showered alone
since you saw "Psycho."

Well, I guess now I know
who I can tell my secrets to.

Excuse me.

I have an advice
column to write.

How about you, Harriette?
I know you don't scare easily.

I don't scare at all, baby.

Oh, so, you'll be there?

Sorry,
my mother‐in‐law's in town.

Now, why watch movie monsters
when you can see the real thing?

No Harriette.

No Lydia.

Cousin, guess who.

Oh my goodness,

Who could that be
under that mask?

Uh, Mr. Gorpley?

No! Guess again.

I don't know. I'll never get it.

Tell me who you are, Balki.

It's...Balki.

‐ Ah!
‐ Oh!

[laughing]

I guess I'm one good
Halloween player, huh?

‐ The best.
‐ No.

‐ Oh, yes, you are.
‐ No.

‐ Yes, you are.
‐ No, no.

‐ Yes, yes..
‐ No, no, no.

Y‐you know..

...everyone's gonna love this
at the party tonight.

Well, I'm not wearing
this to the party tonight.

This is just my office costume.

‐ Oh. Well, uh..
‐ Hm.

You might as well wear it.

Because no one from the office

is coming to the party.

It's just us and Jennifer
and Mary Anne.

No one else wants to watch
the horror movie marathon.

Well, if nobody else
wants to watch it

why do we want to watch it?

Because horror is the fun part
of Halloween.

Yeah, about that, cousin.

I still don't understand.

Why would anybody
want to sit through

twelve hours of horrible movies?

I could barely
make it through "Ishtar."

No, not horrible movies.

Horror movies.

Movies that scare you to death.

I don't want to be scared
to death.

Well, sure you do.

People love to be frightened.

That's why so many
of them live in New York.

[instrumental music]

[screaming]

[eerie music on television]

‐ Well, I've had enough.
‐ What?

‐ Me too.
‐ What?

What? You‐you can't go now.

We're only halfway
through the marathon.

We've got three movies to go.

Six hours of watching
scary movies

is too much for me.

My head hurts, my stomach
is all tied up in knots

and I think I'm getting hives.

Thanks for a lovely evening.

Oh, how about a little peck?

[chuckles]

‐ Bye.
‐ Uh, good night.

‐ Bye.
‐ Bye‐bye.

‐ Good night.
‐ Good night.

Well, what's wrong
with everybody?

They're just scary movies.

You know, you're right.

Who would be afraid
of scary movies?

Oh, look at this.

They're gonna miss the best one

"Invasion
Of The Body Snatchers".

"Aliens take over the planet
by replacing everybody

with identical twins that
they've grown in giant pods."

This wouldn't be a light‐hearted
comedy, would it?

Oh, don't tell me
you're scared too.

Well, of course I'm not,
don't be ridiculous.

I was just hoping
for a little change of pace.

Well, if you want a
change of pace,

Let's watch this
next one in the dark.

Don't do that.

Afraid of the dark?

No, I'm not.

Don't do that.

You are afraid of the dark.

No, I'm not.

‐ Yes, you are.
‐ No, I'm not.

‐ Yes, you are.
‐ No, I'm not.

[screaming]

Yes, I am.

Well, we don't have to watch it
in the dark.

Well, I‐I don't think
we should watch it at all.

What's the matter,
you're chicken?

In a manner of speaking.

Balki, these movies
are just make‐believe.

Cousin, they are about bad
people doing bad things

and I believe they put
bad thoughts in our heads.

But, Balki,
they're‐they're harmless.

They go in one eye
and out the other.

Well, I don't want
to watch any more.

No, what's the matter?

You're afraid you watch
too many horror movies

it'll make you into a monster?

Well, I don't know
what it make me into

and I don't want
to take any chances.

So I'm going to go in there

brush my teeth, say my prayers

and read
"The Little Engine That Could"

just to clear my head.

[sighs]

What planet are you from?

Well, I guess I'm the
only fun guy left

"Our horror movie marathon
continues with

'Invasion of the Body
Snatchers.'"

[instrumental music]

[screaming]

Morning, cousin.

You sleep well?

Well, I guess I can't scare you.

What? You got eyes
in the back of your head?

Well, of course not,
don't be ridiculous.

Your third button
from the top is unbuttoned.

Hmm?

Oh, thank you.

So...what're you making?

This is, uh, mach ba sik sik.

Pig stomach stuffed
with head cheese.

And just a pinch of cardamom.

Eh, hm, hm.

I thought we'd take some on
our trip, it travels so well.

‐ We're taking a trip?
‐ Oh, yes.

We're going to Mypos.
Didn't I tell you?

‐ No, you didn't tell me.
‐ Well, I'll be snookered!

Balki, if you wanna
take a trip like that

we have to plan ahead.

We've got to check
discount fares

we've gotta coordinate
vacation schedules.

I need a passport.

How did you do that?

Do what?

You just shot a laser beam

out of your finger

and set that on fire.

No, I didn't.

‐ Yes, you did.
‐ Nope, didn't.

Balki, I was standing
right here, I saw it.

Well, cousin, I think
you must be suffering

from an optical delusion.

Maybe you didn't get
enough sleep last night.

Do you want me to make you
a cup of coffee?

No, I don't think so.
I'll stick with milk.

My stomach feels a little queasy

from all that junk
I ate last night.

Your sik sik's still burning.

Oh, so it is.

‐ How did you do that?
‐ Do what?

You made the milk stop

and wait for you.

No, I didn't.

Balki, you‐you turned away

and‐and then..
Oh, wait a minute.

I know what's happening.

You're getting back at me

for scaring you last night.

Very clever.
What is it, magic tricks?

Well, cousin, no,
I don't know no magic tricks.

Very good.

Okay, okay. You win.

I apologize for what I did
last night.

I will never, ever

try to frighten you again.

Thank you, cousin.

Well, I think I'll just let this

mach bach sik sik curdle.

Come on, cousin,
let's go to work.

Sure, let's go to work.

Shall we take my car or are you
just going to beam us over?

Oh, come on, cousin.

You know on my salary
I can't afford a beamer.

Where do I come up with them?

Balki..

...a giant pod?

Oh come on, Balki,
this is going too far.

Balki?

[instrumental music]

Harriette, Lydia, thank god
you're here.

You're not gonna believe it.

This morning, I saw Balki

walk through a door.

He‐he made a carton of milk
float in mid‐air

and he started a fire
with his finger.

Let me smell your breath, baby.

Harriette.

I have not been drinking.

Uh, excuse me, Larry

but did you watch
all twelve hours

of that horror movie marathon
last night?

What's that got to do
with anything?

Well, you watched
weird movies last night

now you're seeing
weird things today.

I suppose that could
be an explanation.

You bet it could, cousin.

Why did you say that?

Say what?

‐ You called me "cousin."
‐ No, I didn't, baby.

Yes, you did.

I called you baby, baby.

There's no way we're cousins.

Wait a minute.

You two seem...different.

You're just now noticing that?

Relax.

Th‐the next thing you know
you'll be saying that Balki's

an alien and he's turning us
into aliens

to take us back
to his home planet.

[cackling]

I'm going crazy.

Too many horror movies.

That's gotta be it.

Uh, I just gotta relax.

Just gotta relax and think
about something else.

The Bears, the Bears.

How are the Bears doin'?

"Planet Mypos discovered
behind Pluto."

‐ "Planet Mypos."
‐ Hi, cousin.

Huh?

‐ How did you get here?
‐ Oh, just dropped in.

Well, you can't
fool me anymore.

I know all about Mypos.

It's right here
on the Chronicle's front page.

[gasps]

‐ Where were you?
‐ I never left the room.

Well, maybe you won't be
so glib after you read this!

"City Council
approves annual budget".

You're right, cousin,
I'm glib‐less.

But it was right
on the front page.

Well, cousin, I think
your mind is pulling your leg.

Oh, what's happening?

Why am I seeing things
that aren't there?

I mean what's, uh, what's, uh,
what's, uh..

What's in that mail cart?

The mail.
It comes at this time every day.

That was a pod!

Now, I get it!

The fire, the milk

walking through doors,
it's all coming together.

You are a strange visitor
from another planet

who came to Earth
with powers and abilities

far beyond that
of mortal man, and who

disguised as Balki Bartokomous,
mild‐mannered sheepherder

working for a great
metropolitan newspaper

is turning us all into Mypiots

so you can take us back
to your planet!

Darn, you got me.

[gasps]

You mean it's true?

Yepper.

I may be an alien bent on

world conquest but I'm no liar.

Cousin, you're gonna love Mypos.

The climate is perfect.

All men are created cousins

and we've conquered cellulite.

I'm not going to another planet.

Oh, come on, cousin, I..

I always go
where you want to go.

I don't want to go to Mypos,
I'll never go to Mypos.

Nothing you can do
or say will ever make me

want to go to Mypos.

Cousin, you want to go to Mypos.

I want to go to Mypos.

When the mama ship gets here,
you'll be the first one in line.

When the mama ship gets here,
I'll be the first in line.

And when we say,
"Who wants pig snout?"

You'd say, "I do! I do!"

And when you say

"Who wants pig snout?"

I'll say..

I'll say..

Ugh.

I'll never eat pig snout!

You have a very strong will,
Earth boy.

Balki, how can you
do this to the Earth?

You used to be so nice.

Well, we Mypiots were nice

for 6,000 years

and then one day,
somebody suggested

"Hey, why you don't watch
scary movies?

"They won't hurt you..

...they just go in one eye
and out the other."

Well, they checked in
but they didn't check out.

They set up housekeeping.

They begat bad thoughts.

And those bad thoughts
got together

and had little bad thoughts.

And those little bad thoughts

grew up into big bad thoughts.

And now, all we have

are big bad thoughts.

So, we're taking over the Earth

just for kicks!

[evil laughter]

[instrumental music]

[panting]

Hello, Jennifer? It's Larry.

Drop whatever you're doing
and get down here.

[knocking on door]

‐ Who is it?
‐ 'It's Jennifer.'

How did you get here so fast?

You sounded upset so I hurried.

What's wrong?

I have proof that Balki

is from a planet called Mypos

and they're taking over
the Earth.

You've got to believe me.

‐ Larry, I believe you.
‐ You do?

Why?

Well, for one thing

Balki is floating
outside the window.

No, no, don't let him in.

We've got to leave right now.

There's no hurry.

What do you mean,
"There's no hurry?"

If we stay we'll become Mypiots!

Is that really so bad, cousin?

You're wearing a vest.
You're one of them!

[panting]

(all)
Hi, cousin.

Going somewhere?

Time to go.

The mama ship is double‐parked.

[laughs]

You mean he's changed
you all into Mypiots?

(all)
Well, of course he has,
don't be ridiculous.

Let me give you a hand, cousin.

Oh, no.

I'm not falling
for that one again.

You'll never take me.

Oh, come on, cousin.

Be one of us.

Put on the vest.

‐ Alterations are free.
‐ No.

No, no, no.

[panting]

Get away. Get away.

[evil laughter]

Oh, no. Oh, no.

(all)
Cousin. Cousin. Cousin.

‐ Cousin, cousin‐‐
‐ Get away, get away.

‐ Cousin.
‐ Ah. Huh!

Huh, don't come any closer!

How would that be possible?

You'll never put that vest
on me.

But, cousin,
I wasn't thinking of it.

It don't go with
the knife in your chest.

What?

[shrieks]

Oh. Oh.

I've got a knife in my chest.

Oh, that's great.

Oh. Oh..

I must have fallen asleep

in front of the television!

Cousin, I think you
were having a bad dream.

Oh, I was.

And, Balki, it was awful.

In my dream, you were
from a‐a planet called Mypos

and‐and you were
taking over the Earth.

And that wasn't the awful part.

The awful part was
that you were not nice.

[chuckles]

Can you imagine that?

Balki Bartokomous, not nice?

[chuckling]

Balki, uh, just
for argument's sake, uh..

...what would you do if a total
stranger came up to you

on the street
and took your money

kicked you in the shins and said
your mama wears army boots?

Well, um..

...if he, uh, took my money

I'd say, "Spend it wisely."

And if he kicked me
in the shins, I'd say

"You know, you should join a gym
to find a more

positive way
of taking out aggression."

And if he says
my mama wears army boots

then I'd say, "You've seen mama?
How does she look?"

You are Balki. Uh‐huh..

Ow.

‐ Oh.
‐ Cousin.

Well..

Balki.. Woop!

Balki, I never want to have

a nightmare like that again.

‐ Observation.
‐ Hmm?

If you hadn't watched
all those scary movies

you wouldn't have
had that bad dream.

Well, you know,
ever since my parents

took me out of "Fantasia"
crying..

...I've been trying
to prove something.

Well, cousin,
you did prove something.

You proved
that if you watch twelve hours

of scary movies,
then you have a nightmare.

Of course, the rest of us
already knew that.

That's why you were
watching them alone.

Well, why learn the easy way

when you can learn the hard way?

Well, that's the motto
you live by.

Balki, what do you say,
next Halloween

we just hand out candy
to the kids and call it a night?

Okay by me.
Now, how about this?

We clean up this place,
I make you some breakfast

and you start to feel better.

Okay.

Boy, what a nightmare.

Huh. I, it‐it was
the craziest thing.

I, every time I turned around..

...you were gone.

Balki?

‐ Cousin?
‐ Huh!

[instrumental music]

[theme music]