Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 4, Episode 2 - Assertive Training - full transcript

[David Pomeranz performing
"Nothing's Gonna Stop Me Now"]

♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪

♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪

♪ Sometimes you just ♪

♪ Get a feeling like
you need some kind of change ♪

♪ No matter what
the odds are this time ♪

♪ Nothing's going
to stand in my way ♪

♪ This flame in my heart ♪

♪ Like a long lost friend ♪

♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪

♪ Standing tall ♪



♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

♪ Rise and fall ♪

♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

♪ Through the rain and thunder ♪

♪ The wind and haze ♪

♪ I'm bound for better days ♪

♪ It's my life and my dream ♪

♪ And nothing's gonna
to stop me now ♪

[instrumental music]

[sighs]

Uh! I can't believe it.

Took me a year
to finally get own parking space

and someone else parks in it.

Harriette, do you know anyone



who owns a black Porsche
with red pin striping?

Oh, yeah, that's
Doug Perkins' new car.

Yeah, well, I'm gonna have
to find this Perkins' guy

and set him straight.

Well, you're in luck,
here he comes now.

Aah, excuse me.

Are you the owner of the new
Porsche in the parking lot?

Stop! Right there!

I'm in your space, right?

Yeah, you are.

Hey, I know what
you're thinking.

But I can explain.

I've got a new car and your
space is right next to the wall.

So there's less chance of dings.

But listen I've got
your best interests at heart.

So, I'll park in your space,
you can park in mine.

Well, that sounds fair.

Super.

I gotta run.

Ah, ah, ah, wait.

Where's your space?

Well, I don't have one.
But when I get one, it's yours.

Well, after all,
it is a Porsche.

You're lucky
you're not parkin' it for him.

[singing in foreign language]

Hi, cousin.

Its a La Bamba kind of day.

[singing in foreign language]

Mr. Gorpley tell me that

I'm gonna find something
extra in my pay envelope today.

The last time
he said that you found

his laundry ticket
stapled to your check.

Bartokomous,
here's your paycheck.

Take it before
I spend it on gum.

‐ Ah, Mr. Gorpley‐‐
‐ What?

Uh...I just have looked

at my check and I cannot help

but notice that the amount
is the same as last week.

And..

...did somebody
forget something?

Let me see that.

I did forget something.
Thanks for reminding me.

Oh, just doing your job.

I forgot to tell you that
you're not getting a raise.

Why not?

Oh, nothing personal,
Bartokomous.

No, it is personal.

You're getting a raise
because you're a foreigner

you dress funny and I just
didn't feel like it.

Oh, well, as long as
you had a good reason.

[instrumental music]

[upbeat music]

(Larry)
'You know what I
should have told that Perkins?'

'I should have told him to
take a powder with his Porsche.'

Cousin, you know,
you could look at it this way.

Now everybody will think
you own a Porsche.

Balki, you're
just as bad as I am.

You just stood by and let
Gorpley take away your raise.

People walk all over us.
Look at this.

I order a cheeseburger
and I get a, get a, get a..

What is this?

I believe this
is a Fillet‐O‐Fish.

I never get what I order.

And you know why
I never get what I order?

Because you don't enunciate?

No! No!

Because waitresses
intimidate me.

And this one was only 14.

Now, cousin, look,
you know what we should do?

‐ Just let's eat our fish.
‐ Uh.

Fish is brain food.

Or is it brain is fish food?

Balki, how can you be so nice?

But, cousin, you know,
on Mypos, we have a saying.

You can never be
too nice or too thin.

Well, this isn't Mypos.

Here nice guys finish last.

[knocking on door]

‐ Oh, hi, Jennifer.
‐ Hi, Larry.

Look, I can't make
our date tonight.

An old high school friend
is in town.

I hope it's okay.

Oh, hey, no problem.

I knew you would
understand. Bye.

Bye.

Now, why did I say
it was no problem

it's a big problem.

I have tickets to the ballet.

[sighs]

[shoes squeaking]

Well, now, cousin

I think what you ought
to do is just eat your fish

and consider the whole thing
water under the Baryshnikov.

Balki! This is no
laughing matter.

Let's face it.

We have trouble being assertive.

(man on TV)
'Do you have trouble
being assertive?'

'Do you have trouble getting
what you order in restaurants?'

'Does your girlfriend
break dates with you?'

'At the last minute?'

'When you ask for a raise, does
your boss laugh in your face?'

'Do people steamroll over you
like you don't even exist?'

'Well, stop!'

'If you're tired
of being pushed around'

'take the Stop seminar
this weekend'

'and take charge of your life.'

'For more information, call
555‐STOP and do it today!'

Wow!

Talk about truth in advertising.

Balki, if we had taken a seminar
like that a long time ago

I'd be parking in my own space
and you'd have your raise.

Alright, cousin, there's two
things you've got to know

about the Mypiot right upfront.

Number one, we all
enjoy a good pomegranate.

That one don't apply here.

But the next one does.

We don't demand
things like raises.

We believe that if
we sow the seeds of hard work

and water them
with a cheerful attitude

then a tree
of blessings will take root

and grow and then we will reap
the fruit of our labors.

Which, in most cases, is
the aforementioned pomegranate.

Terrific.

This from a country that gave
us the Mediterranean fruit fly.

You're welcome.

Well, I'm going
to take that seminar.

[clicking]

Hello?

I want to sign up
for the STOP seminar

and take charge of my life.

Yes, I'll hold.

[instrumental music]

Balki.

I'm home.

How was your STOP seminar?

Very instructive.

(Balki)
'Good.'

Balki, look at me.
What do you see?

Oh, cousin, I love this game
but you make it too easy.

You should have tell
me to cover my eyes first.

Balki, uncover your eyes
and I'll tell you what you see.

You see a man
who ordered a cheeseburger

for lunch
and you know what I got?

A BLT?

At first.

But I sent it back
and got a cheeseburger.

Well, now, cousin,
isn't that nice.

You got to tell me all
about it all over dinner.

‐ I'll sit over there‐‐
‐ Stop!

Okay.

See, Balki, that's
what I learnt today.

When someone tries
to make you do something

you don't want to do,
you just tell them 'Stop.'

In this case, I'm not hungry.

But, cousin, why you didn't tell
me in the first place, I‐‐

Stop!

Are you telling
me what to tell you?

Eh, I'm not sure what
I'm telling you to tell me

but if you tell me what it is
you want me to stop telling you

I'll stop telling it to you.

Alright, Balki. It's okay.

I'm just trying
out the new Larry Appleton.

A man who's had it up to here
with having it up to here.

[knocking on door]

I'll get it.

But only because I choose to.

Come in.

‐ Hi, Larry.
‐ Jennifer.

Listen, about Monday night,
I can't make it.

‐ My supervisor called‐‐
‐ Stop!

What?

Jennifer, I don't wanna
hear about it.

I asked you out, you said
yes, so, get on the horn

to your supervisor, tell
him, you're not going anywhere

except out with me.

Do it now.

Well, okay.

Balki, you are looking

at a lean, mean,
assertive machine.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Cousin, don't you think
Jennifer will be mad at you?

No, no.

Balki,
that's what they teach you

at STOP training.

People, especially women..

...like it
when you talk to them like that.

‐ They do?
‐ Yes.

We‐well,
they don't like it at first

but pretty soon they learn

that you're doing them a favor.

You think
you're doing her a favor

by talking down to her
like you talk down to me?

Exactly.

You see, Balki, at STOP

we learn that bending people

to your will..

...is the most
unselfish thing you can do.

Cousin, I believe
in being nice to others.

Well, of course you do,
and I do too.

But before you can be
nice to other people

you have to be nice to yourself.

‐ Really?
‐ Yes.

Balki, how do you feel

when you see other people
get what they want?

‐ I feel happy.
‐ Right.

And other people will be happy

when they see you
get what you want.

‐ Really?
‐ Yes.

So if you want
other people to be happy

you have to take what you want.

Even if it doesn't
make them happy

while you are taking it.

‐ Let me get this straight.
‐ Mm‐hmm.

I can make others happy

by taking what I want

even if it makes them unhappy
while I'm taking it

because they don't realize
how happy they're going to be

after I have gotten it.

Ooh, you're good.

‐ You are a STOP natural.
‐ I..

‐ You are, I mean it.
‐ No.

I mean it.
Yes, yes, you are.

Balki, I am going to teach you

how to get your raise.

This is your raise.

Cousin, this is a cantaloupe.

Now cantaloupes are nice..

...but I was hoping for money.

Balki, this cantaloupe

represents your raise.

Alright, here, stand over here.

Stand over here. Uh‐huh.

Now..

...all you have to do
to get your raise

is to walk over here

and take it.

Not yet.

Alright, now.

Balki..

...concentrate

commit to your goal.

Don't let any obstacles

come between you and your raise.

Are you ready
to go get your raise?

Go.

Is that a spider on your neck?

Don't step on the Dimitri.

‐ Too bad about Wayne Newton.
‐ Something happened to Wayne?

‐ Ah‐ha!
‐ Oh.

Cousin, I don't know
if I can do this.

Yes, you can.
Yes, you can.

All we have to do..

...is focus your anger.

[chuckles]
I don't have any anger.

Oh, yes, you do.

[laughs]

‐ No, I don't.
‐ Yes, you do.

‐ No, I don't.
‐ Yes, you do.

‐ No, I don't.
‐ Yes, you do.

I don't have any anger!

Where do you think
that come from?

Balki, that is the anger
you have for Mr. Gorpley.

The man who promised you a raise

and then viciously
took it away from you!

Well, I'll be snookered.

I didn't know that was in there.

Well, there's a lot more
where that came from.

Don't you send half
your paycheck home to your mama?

Yes, yes, I do.

That way she don't have to work
so hard in her golden years.

So, wouldn't you have sent half
your raise home to your mama?

Well, yes, I would.

So by taking money away from you

Mr. Gorpley is taking money
away from your mama.

What kind of man would steal

from a kindly, old woman?

‐ A bad man.
‐ Mm‐hmm.

And..

...and how does that
make you feel, Balki?

[crying]
Awful.

How does that make you feel?

‐ Bad.
‐ How does that make you feel?

That makes me angry!

Good! Good! Good!
Put me down!

Alright, now what are you
going to do with that anger?

I'm going to use it
to get what I want!

And why are you
going to get what you want?

‐ Because I'm selfish!
‐ And why are you selfish?

Because I want
to make people happy!

‐ Yes, yes, you've got it.
‐ Happy!

‐ You've got it.
‐ Ha, ha, ha!

[instrumental music]

(Larry)
'Balki, go in there'

'and get your raise.'

Alright, Mr. Gorpley..

...you can run..

...but you cannot ride.

[door slams]

Stop!

Last week I asked you
very nicely to move your car.

You refused.
I let you get away with it.

Well, those days are over.

I want you out of my space

and I want you out now.

Oh, man!

You've been to STOP seminar,
haven't you?

Yes, I have.

I went to that seminar
last week.

That's why I took your space.

I thought
it would make you happy.

Then I spent the whole weekend
telling my wife where to get off

she threw me out.

Just went upstairs,
demanded a raise..

...I was fired.

STOP ruined my life.

Do yourself a favor!

Forget everything
they told you..

...before it's too late!

Balki.

Uh, Mr. Gorpley, Mr. Gorpley.

Mr. Gorpley, uh,
if‐if you see Balki before I do

you should know
that‐that‐that he was, he was

uh, he was hypnotized at a party

and thinks he's General Patton.

If this is some sob story
about the Mypion's raise

save your breath.

Over the weekend
I thought about it

and I decided to give it to him.

You did?

Balki! Balki!
Hey, Balki!

Listen, buddy, listen.
Balki! Balki! Balki!

Change o' plan.

Balki! Balki!

You got your raise!

Of course I did.

Balki! Balki!
You cannot do this!

Out of my way, little man.

I have a date with dynasty.

Balki! Balki!

You have got to stop STOP!

Cousin, if you don't want
to make the trip to success

then get out of the road.

[clanking]

Ah, Bartokomous‐‐

Stop!

Excuse me?

Nobody takes money

out of my mama's mouth.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking
about my mama's mouth

and the act of taking
money out of it.

I deserve a raise.

Therefore, it's mine.

I demand it now.

Let me get this straight.

You are demanding a raise?

You got that right

you Mypiot mother mugger.

Do you know what this is?

[blowing a raspberry]
It's a piece of paper.

Yes.

But not just any piece of paper.

This is the authorization
for your raise.

I was just taking it
up to payroll.

Well, of course you were.

Don't be ridiculous.

I got my raise?

You had it.

Now you don't.

Balki, Balki, what happened?

Balki!
What are you doing?

I'm focusing my anger.

[instrumental music]

Cousin, great news!

Mr. Gorpley give me
my raise back.

Oh, that's great, Balki. I'd..

I'm afraid
I owe you a big apology

and I hope Mr. Gorpley
wasn't too hard on you.

Actually,
all I had to do was tell him

that I had been listening to you
and that seemed to be enough.

[sighs]

Balki, I‐I don't know

how I bought that STOP business.

I mean, I‐I‐I just wanted to
be able to stand up for myself

so that people
wouldn't walk all over me.

I just thought that a little
aggressiveness would help.

Cousin, it's okay
to stand up for yourself

as long as
you don't stand on other people.

You know,
on Mypos we have a saying.

Would you care
to hear it in the original?

‐ No, translation would be fine.
‐ Okay.

It says,
"You get more flies with honey

than with a rifle."

I would think so, yes.

So anyway it's okay
as long as you learned a lesson.

Oh, eh, uh, Balki, I have.

And never again will I jump

into something
like this blindly.

Well, the good news is
that we've taken care

of all the harm
that's been done.

[knock on door]

(both)
Come in!

(Larry)
'Oh, Jennifer.'

Larry, I've been
thinking about the way

you treated me the other night.

Yes, about that I..

Don't ever talk to me
that way again.

Cousin, it was a sucker punch.

You'll get her next time.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]