Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 4, Episode 19 - Just a Gigolo - full transcript
[David Pomeranz performing
"Nothing's Gonna Stop Me Now"]
♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you just
get a feeling ♪
♪ Like you need
some kind of change ♪
♪ No matter what
the odds are this time ♪
♪ Nothing's going to
stand in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart ♪
♪ Like a long lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪
♪ Standing tall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Rise and fall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ The rain and thunder ♪
♪ The wind and haze ♪
♪ I'm bound for better days ♪
♪ It's my life and my dream ♪
♪ And nothing's going
to stop me now ♪
[instrumental music]
Hi, baby.
Have you seen Lydia?
Yeah, she just wandered
into the archives.
I hate to see her
wandering around
in the condition she's in.
Yeah, I heard.
Frank dumped her?
Frank?
That was last week.
Norman dumped her
this morning.
Boy, she has more trouble
picking men than George Bush.
(Larry)
Uh, Lydia.
I heard about Frank..
...and Norman.
I know it's been a rough week
for you. Are you okay?
Oh, I'm fine!
I don't know why everybody's
so upset about this.
Men are like buses
if you miss one there'll be
another one around in a minute.
Three, two, one.
[crying]
I've been through this
with her before.
Cousin, I did it!
I figured out a way to make
Miss Lydia feel better.
Did you get her flowers?
That's cute.
Cousin, flowers are nice but..
...they don't keep you
warm at night.
I got her a man.
Whoa, wait a minute!
Wait a minute! No, no.
No, n‐no, n‐no,
no, no, no, no, no.
Balki, finding Lydia a man
is none of your business.
Well, technically,
that's true.
Matchmaking is actually
my mama's business.
But, I used to do her books.
‐ Your mama was a matchmaker?
‐ Still is.
For six generations
Mypos has depended
on the Bartokomous family
for matchmaking.
In fact, our house
was fondly referred
to as the love connection.
W‐well, who is this guy?
It's not somebody you just
met on the street, is it?
Well, of course not!
Don't be ridiculous!
I met him across the street
in the diner.
His name is Jack Colby and he's
coming over later this afternoon
just to meet, just to talk,
just to have a look‐see.
Thanks, Harriette,
I'm alright now.
Bye, boys!
Have a nice weekend!
Wait a minute! Lydia!
Lydia, you can't leave now!
I have found the perfect man
for you.
Eh, his, his name is Jack
and, uh, he's tall
he's good‐looking,
and get this
he don't spit when he talks.
Lydia, I'm afraid Balki has been
playing matchmaker for you
I tried to tell him
it was a mistake.
Oh, Balki.
Well, I appreciate what
you're doing but, you know
I've been thinking,
I'm doing okay.
I've got friends, a nationally
syndicated column
I have a little money...okay,
I've got a ton of money.
The last thing I need
in my life is a man.
‐ Balki!
‐ Jack!
Hi, how are you?
‐ Good, good.
‐ Good.
Now, now, Jack, uh, this is
the Lydia that I told you about.
And Lydia, this is the Jack
that I told you about.
You're Lydia?
You're not at all
what I expected.
You see, I read your column
every single day and
and the advice you give
your readers is so wise
so obviously born
from experience..
...that I didn't expect
someone quite so young.
You didn't?
Listen, Jack, I'm sorry
if Balki's caused you
any inconvenience,
but Lydia's decided‐‐
Shut up, Larry.
So, you read my column?
Yes, everyday.
Now I hope this doesn't
sound forward but..
...would you have dinner
with me later?
Oh, well, well, why wait?
I haven't eaten
anything all day
due to a minor trauma
in my life.
I'm starved!
Bye, boys!
Now, uh, Jack I want to know
everything about you..
[sighing]
Well, another Bartokomous match.
Over three thousand served.
This may be worth a photograph
in mama's brochure.
That was amazing.
Balki, you are quite
a matchmaker.
So tell me something
I don't know.
Was that Jack Colby with Lydia
in the parking lot?
Mr. Gorpley,
you know Mr. Colby?
Only by reputation.
What is his reputation?
Well, the guy dresses
for success
but he's never worked
a day in his life.
He charms women into giving him
cash, clothes and cars
and then he kisses them goodbye.
He's been married four times
and he's got two
count 'em, two ex‐wives
paying him alimony.
The man's a gigolo!
Yeah. He's my hero.
Oh, cousin, I've dropped
Miss Lydia
in some deep babasticki.
Still no answer?
No, cousin, I can't believe
Miss Lydia's been gone
all weekend!
This is all my fault.
I never should have
practiced matchmaking
with only a learner's permit.
Cousin, what if Jack
has already tricked her
and‐and broken her heart?
What if he's already tricked her
and taken all her money?
Alright, Balki.
Balki, stop it. Stop it!
That's enough.
Now, relax. Deep breaths!
Alright, Balki.
Listen, listen.
Lydia's not stupid.
I bet she went out
with this guy and realized
right away he was
only after her money.
She'll probably
come through that door
a sadder but wiser woman.
♪ Day‐O ♪
♪ Day‐O ♪
♪ Daylight come and me
wanna go home ♪
Miss Lydia, we've been
calling you all weekend.
Where have you been?
Jamaica.
[giggling]
With Jack.
Jamaica?
Well, I thought you were
just going out to dinner.
Well, we were, but after
we left here Friday
we realized we were
muy simpatico.
Oh, Balki, I just don't
know how to thank you.
Well, you may wanna
hold off on that.
Uh, Lydia, listen.
I know this is gonna hurt,
but there are a few things
you should know about Jack.
Number one‐‐
‐ He's been married four times.
‐ You know about that?
Oh, of course I do!
He told me everything
He did?
Did he tell you that two of his
ex‐wives are paying him abalony?
That is alimony.
And he feels terrible about it.
Um, Miss Lydia,
now, now, uh
as your friends
we just want to
encourage you
to find out
what kind of
person Jack is
before you get
too serious about him.
We are way beyond serious.
We're getting married Saturday!
Married?
Saturday?
Oh, I knew you'd be thrilled.
We're having an engagement party
tonight. Eight o'clock.
Don't be late.
Oh, Balki, thanks again!
I never would have met
Jack without you!
Oh, God!
♪ Come Mister Tally Man
tally me banana ♪
Cousin, I have ruined
Miss Lydia's life.
Jack is going to take her money
and break her heart
and it's all my fault.
According to the..
...matchmaker's code I must
now forever deny myself
smoked meat.
Well, wait a minute, Balki.
Don't do anything drastic.
‐ We'll think of something.
‐ What, cousin?
‐ She won't listen to reason.
‐ I know.
So we'll have to show her that
Jack will go after
any woman with money.
[piano music]
Cousin, aren't you coming?
[piano music]
Cousin, usually your plans
are a bust but..
...tonight your bust
is the plan.
Where do I come up with them?
This wasn't my plan.
My plan was for you
to be the woman.
Well, cousin, we have
to convince Lydia
that Jack is only after
her money, not her body.
And I think
we both agreed that
I looked a little bit
too much like Sophia Loren.
Come on, let's go.
I told you to wear flats.
Flats with a dress
like this?
I don't think so.
Now, come on.
Dance me over to Jack.
Is that when you're gonna
put the moves on him?
No, I'm not gonna put
the moves on him.
I‐I'm just going
to drop subtle hints
about how incredibly rich
and lonely I am.
Now, come on,
let's dance.
Now, wait a minute.
I'm the man. Shouldn't I
ask you to dance?
Fine.
May I have this dance?
Charmed, I'm sure.
Oh, hi, Balki.
Who's your date?
This is
Cousin Larry's aunt.
Cousin Larry
isn't feeling well
and Cousin Larry's aunt
was visiting
so I asked Cousin Larry's
aunt to come.
I'm Lydia Markham and this is
my fiance, Jack Colby.
Desiree Appleton.
‐ How do you do?
‐ How do you do?
‐ So nice to meet you.
‐ Nice to meet you.
You can call her Desi.
So, Desi, what brings
you to Chicago?
Oh, well, I'm taking a trip
around the world
to inspect my late husband's
hotels and casinos.
Aunt Desi's late
and very dead husband..
...was also a very
successful shipping maggot.
‐ Excuse me?
‐ Magnate.
Shipping magnate.
Magnate!
Fascinating.
Uh, sweetheart,
we mustn't ignore
our other guests,
so excuse me.
Well, certainly.
‐ Bye‐bye Lydia.
‐ Bye.
Cousin, you're dyin'
over here.
I think you got to dump
the Bea Arthur look
and...maybe show
a little thigh.
Forget it.
I only shaved to the knee.
Nice party, huh?
Yes, it's delightful.
Larry?
‐ Harriette, I can explain this.
‐ Hey!
I don't know what you're doin'
and I don't wanna know.
Cousin, this chocolate mouse
is to die for!
‐ You've got to try it!
‐ No, I can't, Balki.
Not if I want to
stay a size ten.
Well, hello again.
Oh, Jack!
Oh, look, it's Jack.
So, uh, Desiree, how long
are you in town for?
‐ A week.
‐ A month.
A week and a month.
Five weeks altogether.
Then I'm off to the far east.
China, Japan, Tibet..
Oh, Aunt Desi loves to bet.
She must go to Vegas five,
six times a year.
In fact, she loves Vegas
so much
she's thinking of buying it!
Balki.
But, before she does that
she's got to think about
selling Atlantic City.
You know there was this one time
where we were talking about..
Would you get me
a glass of water?
Well, sure, you can have mine,
I haven't touched it.
Where was I?
Oh, there was an interesting
moment once when she..
Would you get me
a glass of water..
...from a well?
Oh! Right, right.
Aunt Desi loves
her well water
and well she should.
Where does he come up
with them?
Hors d'ouvres?
Well, yes, of course.
Thank you.
You'll‐you'll have
to forgive Balki.
Well, he's a, he's a dear
really but, uh..
...he's a little awkward
around me.
Probably because I'm so
unbelievably wealthy.
Well, you're
very fortunate that
your husband left you
so well taken care of.
I suppose so.
But I think Lydia's the
fortunate one...she has you.
Well, thank you.
Well, I didn't mean
to embarrass you.
It's just that, you know,
I've always thought if I..
...if I found the right person
my life would be perfect.
Someone to whisper sweet
nothings in my ear
to exchange
a knowing glance with.
Someone to walk
hand in hand through the..
...many shopping centers
and retail outlets I own.
I hope you find what
you're looking for.
Excuse me.
What's a woman gotta do?
‐ Desiree!
‐ Oh! Oh, Jack!
Desiree, I can't stand it any
longer! I can't resist you!
Oh, Jack, what on earth
are you talking about?
I'm talking about us!
When you walked through
that door I felt something.
And just hearing you talk about
whispering sweet nothings
knowing glances
and taking long walks
I realized that you
were whispering to me
and glancing at me,
and walking with me.
Sweetheart.
‐ Oh, Jack.
‐ Yes.
You can't imagine how much
I was hoping you'd say that.
Sweetheart, let's run away
tonight and get married.
No! No! No, no.
‐ Well, what about Lydia?
‐ Who?
Lydia.
Oh, her.
Forget her.
She's a child.
You're a woman!
No! No!
No, no.
First, you have to tell Lydia.
We can't begin our life
together until
I'm sure it's over
between you two.
‐ I'll phone her from Vegas.
‐ No! No, no.
You have to tell her now!
Of course.
[sighing]
Ho.
(Balki)
Cousin?
It's working!
Cousin, that's great!
Jack took the bait.
Oh! Now reel him in
and hit him with an oar!
That's how we fish on Mypos.
Oh, Jack! There you are.
Um, attention, everyone!
Jack and I have
an announcement to make.
Tell them, Jack.
Jack...be gentle.
I will.
Lydia, you're history.
I'm marrying somebody else.
What is this?
Dump Lydia Month?
Yes, I thought that I loved you
but then I met Desiree and
I discovered what real love is.
Desiree?
This Desiree?
Hey, stuff happens!
You're leaving me for
a woman you just met?
No, Miss Lydia.
He's leaving you for
a man he just met!
No problem.
We'll find the best psychiatrist
that money can buy.
‐ I have no money.
‐ No money?
Lydia, the wedding's back on!
Let's make our announcement.
Just one minute,
you Jell‐O mold.
Gigolo.
You Goldfinger!
Gold digger.
You old‐timer!
Two‐timer.
You wanna do this?
No, no, no, you go ahead.
You're doing fine. Go ahead
Just who do you
think you are?
Some kind of
Don Juan Johnson?
Well, I have a hot
flash dance for you.
Miss Lydia's been dumped
by better men than you..
...and that was
just this week!
She is a wonderful person
and a snappy little dresser..
...and you are not worthy to
spit on the ground she walks on.
So hit the road, Jack!
And I mean maybe!
Do you want me to go?
Not just yet.
Now you can go.
[people cheering]
Miss Lydia, are you alright?
Oh, I'm fine.
No big deal.
Men are like freeway exits.
If you miss one, there's
another one down the road.
Oh, please, everyone!
Don't let this spoil the party!
Eat! Drink! Be merry!
Three, two, one.
[crying]
What a night!
Boy, I'll say.
Cousin, Miss Lydia's lucky
to have a friend like you.
By the end of the evening,
you had her
laughing out of
the palm of your hand.
Well, I hope you
learned your lesson!
Why, cousin, I did!
Oh, I did!
Thank you, cousin.
[knocking on door]
Come in.
Hi, Larry, I was
just wondering
if you wanted to go
get some coffee.
I‐I should have called first.
[instrumental music]
[theme music]
"Nothing's Gonna Stop Me Now"]
♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you just
get a feeling ♪
♪ Like you need
some kind of change ♪
♪ No matter what
the odds are this time ♪
♪ Nothing's going to
stand in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart ♪
♪ Like a long lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪
♪ Standing tall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Rise and fall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ The rain and thunder ♪
♪ The wind and haze ♪
♪ I'm bound for better days ♪
♪ It's my life and my dream ♪
♪ And nothing's going
to stop me now ♪
[instrumental music]
Hi, baby.
Have you seen Lydia?
Yeah, she just wandered
into the archives.
I hate to see her
wandering around
in the condition she's in.
Yeah, I heard.
Frank dumped her?
Frank?
That was last week.
Norman dumped her
this morning.
Boy, she has more trouble
picking men than George Bush.
(Larry)
Uh, Lydia.
I heard about Frank..
...and Norman.
I know it's been a rough week
for you. Are you okay?
Oh, I'm fine!
I don't know why everybody's
so upset about this.
Men are like buses
if you miss one there'll be
another one around in a minute.
Three, two, one.
[crying]
I've been through this
with her before.
Cousin, I did it!
I figured out a way to make
Miss Lydia feel better.
Did you get her flowers?
That's cute.
Cousin, flowers are nice but..
...they don't keep you
warm at night.
I got her a man.
Whoa, wait a minute!
Wait a minute! No, no.
No, n‐no, n‐no,
no, no, no, no, no.
Balki, finding Lydia a man
is none of your business.
Well, technically,
that's true.
Matchmaking is actually
my mama's business.
But, I used to do her books.
‐ Your mama was a matchmaker?
‐ Still is.
For six generations
Mypos has depended
on the Bartokomous family
for matchmaking.
In fact, our house
was fondly referred
to as the love connection.
W‐well, who is this guy?
It's not somebody you just
met on the street, is it?
Well, of course not!
Don't be ridiculous!
I met him across the street
in the diner.
His name is Jack Colby and he's
coming over later this afternoon
just to meet, just to talk,
just to have a look‐see.
Thanks, Harriette,
I'm alright now.
Bye, boys!
Have a nice weekend!
Wait a minute! Lydia!
Lydia, you can't leave now!
I have found the perfect man
for you.
Eh, his, his name is Jack
and, uh, he's tall
he's good‐looking,
and get this
he don't spit when he talks.
Lydia, I'm afraid Balki has been
playing matchmaker for you
I tried to tell him
it was a mistake.
Oh, Balki.
Well, I appreciate what
you're doing but, you know
I've been thinking,
I'm doing okay.
I've got friends, a nationally
syndicated column
I have a little money...okay,
I've got a ton of money.
The last thing I need
in my life is a man.
‐ Balki!
‐ Jack!
Hi, how are you?
‐ Good, good.
‐ Good.
Now, now, Jack, uh, this is
the Lydia that I told you about.
And Lydia, this is the Jack
that I told you about.
You're Lydia?
You're not at all
what I expected.
You see, I read your column
every single day and
and the advice you give
your readers is so wise
so obviously born
from experience..
...that I didn't expect
someone quite so young.
You didn't?
Listen, Jack, I'm sorry
if Balki's caused you
any inconvenience,
but Lydia's decided‐‐
Shut up, Larry.
So, you read my column?
Yes, everyday.
Now I hope this doesn't
sound forward but..
...would you have dinner
with me later?
Oh, well, well, why wait?
I haven't eaten
anything all day
due to a minor trauma
in my life.
I'm starved!
Bye, boys!
Now, uh, Jack I want to know
everything about you..
[sighing]
Well, another Bartokomous match.
Over three thousand served.
This may be worth a photograph
in mama's brochure.
That was amazing.
Balki, you are quite
a matchmaker.
So tell me something
I don't know.
Was that Jack Colby with Lydia
in the parking lot?
Mr. Gorpley,
you know Mr. Colby?
Only by reputation.
What is his reputation?
Well, the guy dresses
for success
but he's never worked
a day in his life.
He charms women into giving him
cash, clothes and cars
and then he kisses them goodbye.
He's been married four times
and he's got two
count 'em, two ex‐wives
paying him alimony.
The man's a gigolo!
Yeah. He's my hero.
Oh, cousin, I've dropped
Miss Lydia
in some deep babasticki.
Still no answer?
No, cousin, I can't believe
Miss Lydia's been gone
all weekend!
This is all my fault.
I never should have
practiced matchmaking
with only a learner's permit.
Cousin, what if Jack
has already tricked her
and‐and broken her heart?
What if he's already tricked her
and taken all her money?
Alright, Balki.
Balki, stop it. Stop it!
That's enough.
Now, relax. Deep breaths!
Alright, Balki.
Listen, listen.
Lydia's not stupid.
I bet she went out
with this guy and realized
right away he was
only after her money.
She'll probably
come through that door
a sadder but wiser woman.
♪ Day‐O ♪
♪ Day‐O ♪
♪ Daylight come and me
wanna go home ♪
Miss Lydia, we've been
calling you all weekend.
Where have you been?
Jamaica.
[giggling]
With Jack.
Jamaica?
Well, I thought you were
just going out to dinner.
Well, we were, but after
we left here Friday
we realized we were
muy simpatico.
Oh, Balki, I just don't
know how to thank you.
Well, you may wanna
hold off on that.
Uh, Lydia, listen.
I know this is gonna hurt,
but there are a few things
you should know about Jack.
Number one‐‐
‐ He's been married four times.
‐ You know about that?
Oh, of course I do!
He told me everything
He did?
Did he tell you that two of his
ex‐wives are paying him abalony?
That is alimony.
And he feels terrible about it.
Um, Miss Lydia,
now, now, uh
as your friends
we just want to
encourage you
to find out
what kind of
person Jack is
before you get
too serious about him.
We are way beyond serious.
We're getting married Saturday!
Married?
Saturday?
Oh, I knew you'd be thrilled.
We're having an engagement party
tonight. Eight o'clock.
Don't be late.
Oh, Balki, thanks again!
I never would have met
Jack without you!
Oh, God!
♪ Come Mister Tally Man
tally me banana ♪
Cousin, I have ruined
Miss Lydia's life.
Jack is going to take her money
and break her heart
and it's all my fault.
According to the..
...matchmaker's code I must
now forever deny myself
smoked meat.
Well, wait a minute, Balki.
Don't do anything drastic.
‐ We'll think of something.
‐ What, cousin?
‐ She won't listen to reason.
‐ I know.
So we'll have to show her that
Jack will go after
any woman with money.
[piano music]
Cousin, aren't you coming?
[piano music]
Cousin, usually your plans
are a bust but..
...tonight your bust
is the plan.
Where do I come up with them?
This wasn't my plan.
My plan was for you
to be the woman.
Well, cousin, we have
to convince Lydia
that Jack is only after
her money, not her body.
And I think
we both agreed that
I looked a little bit
too much like Sophia Loren.
Come on, let's go.
I told you to wear flats.
Flats with a dress
like this?
I don't think so.
Now, come on.
Dance me over to Jack.
Is that when you're gonna
put the moves on him?
No, I'm not gonna put
the moves on him.
I‐I'm just going
to drop subtle hints
about how incredibly rich
and lonely I am.
Now, come on,
let's dance.
Now, wait a minute.
I'm the man. Shouldn't I
ask you to dance?
Fine.
May I have this dance?
Charmed, I'm sure.
Oh, hi, Balki.
Who's your date?
This is
Cousin Larry's aunt.
Cousin Larry
isn't feeling well
and Cousin Larry's aunt
was visiting
so I asked Cousin Larry's
aunt to come.
I'm Lydia Markham and this is
my fiance, Jack Colby.
Desiree Appleton.
‐ How do you do?
‐ How do you do?
‐ So nice to meet you.
‐ Nice to meet you.
You can call her Desi.
So, Desi, what brings
you to Chicago?
Oh, well, I'm taking a trip
around the world
to inspect my late husband's
hotels and casinos.
Aunt Desi's late
and very dead husband..
...was also a very
successful shipping maggot.
‐ Excuse me?
‐ Magnate.
Shipping magnate.
Magnate!
Fascinating.
Uh, sweetheart,
we mustn't ignore
our other guests,
so excuse me.
Well, certainly.
‐ Bye‐bye Lydia.
‐ Bye.
Cousin, you're dyin'
over here.
I think you got to dump
the Bea Arthur look
and...maybe show
a little thigh.
Forget it.
I only shaved to the knee.
Nice party, huh?
Yes, it's delightful.
Larry?
‐ Harriette, I can explain this.
‐ Hey!
I don't know what you're doin'
and I don't wanna know.
Cousin, this chocolate mouse
is to die for!
‐ You've got to try it!
‐ No, I can't, Balki.
Not if I want to
stay a size ten.
Well, hello again.
Oh, Jack!
Oh, look, it's Jack.
So, uh, Desiree, how long
are you in town for?
‐ A week.
‐ A month.
A week and a month.
Five weeks altogether.
Then I'm off to the far east.
China, Japan, Tibet..
Oh, Aunt Desi loves to bet.
She must go to Vegas five,
six times a year.
In fact, she loves Vegas
so much
she's thinking of buying it!
Balki.
But, before she does that
she's got to think about
selling Atlantic City.
You know there was this one time
where we were talking about..
Would you get me
a glass of water?
Well, sure, you can have mine,
I haven't touched it.
Where was I?
Oh, there was an interesting
moment once when she..
Would you get me
a glass of water..
...from a well?
Oh! Right, right.
Aunt Desi loves
her well water
and well she should.
Where does he come up
with them?
Hors d'ouvres?
Well, yes, of course.
Thank you.
You'll‐you'll have
to forgive Balki.
Well, he's a, he's a dear
really but, uh..
...he's a little awkward
around me.
Probably because I'm so
unbelievably wealthy.
Well, you're
very fortunate that
your husband left you
so well taken care of.
I suppose so.
But I think Lydia's the
fortunate one...she has you.
Well, thank you.
Well, I didn't mean
to embarrass you.
It's just that, you know,
I've always thought if I..
...if I found the right person
my life would be perfect.
Someone to whisper sweet
nothings in my ear
to exchange
a knowing glance with.
Someone to walk
hand in hand through the..
...many shopping centers
and retail outlets I own.
I hope you find what
you're looking for.
Excuse me.
What's a woman gotta do?
‐ Desiree!
‐ Oh! Oh, Jack!
Desiree, I can't stand it any
longer! I can't resist you!
Oh, Jack, what on earth
are you talking about?
I'm talking about us!
When you walked through
that door I felt something.
And just hearing you talk about
whispering sweet nothings
knowing glances
and taking long walks
I realized that you
were whispering to me
and glancing at me,
and walking with me.
Sweetheart.
‐ Oh, Jack.
‐ Yes.
You can't imagine how much
I was hoping you'd say that.
Sweetheart, let's run away
tonight and get married.
No! No! No, no.
‐ Well, what about Lydia?
‐ Who?
Lydia.
Oh, her.
Forget her.
She's a child.
You're a woman!
No! No!
No, no.
First, you have to tell Lydia.
We can't begin our life
together until
I'm sure it's over
between you two.
‐ I'll phone her from Vegas.
‐ No! No, no.
You have to tell her now!
Of course.
[sighing]
Ho.
(Balki)
Cousin?
It's working!
Cousin, that's great!
Jack took the bait.
Oh! Now reel him in
and hit him with an oar!
That's how we fish on Mypos.
Oh, Jack! There you are.
Um, attention, everyone!
Jack and I have
an announcement to make.
Tell them, Jack.
Jack...be gentle.
I will.
Lydia, you're history.
I'm marrying somebody else.
What is this?
Dump Lydia Month?
Yes, I thought that I loved you
but then I met Desiree and
I discovered what real love is.
Desiree?
This Desiree?
Hey, stuff happens!
You're leaving me for
a woman you just met?
No, Miss Lydia.
He's leaving you for
a man he just met!
No problem.
We'll find the best psychiatrist
that money can buy.
‐ I have no money.
‐ No money?
Lydia, the wedding's back on!
Let's make our announcement.
Just one minute,
you Jell‐O mold.
Gigolo.
You Goldfinger!
Gold digger.
You old‐timer!
Two‐timer.
You wanna do this?
No, no, no, you go ahead.
You're doing fine. Go ahead
Just who do you
think you are?
Some kind of
Don Juan Johnson?
Well, I have a hot
flash dance for you.
Miss Lydia's been dumped
by better men than you..
...and that was
just this week!
She is a wonderful person
and a snappy little dresser..
...and you are not worthy to
spit on the ground she walks on.
So hit the road, Jack!
And I mean maybe!
Do you want me to go?
Not just yet.
Now you can go.
[people cheering]
Miss Lydia, are you alright?
Oh, I'm fine.
No big deal.
Men are like freeway exits.
If you miss one, there's
another one down the road.
Oh, please, everyone!
Don't let this spoil the party!
Eat! Drink! Be merry!
Three, two, one.
[crying]
What a night!
Boy, I'll say.
Cousin, Miss Lydia's lucky
to have a friend like you.
By the end of the evening,
you had her
laughing out of
the palm of your hand.
Well, I hope you
learned your lesson!
Why, cousin, I did!
Oh, I did!
Thank you, cousin.
[knocking on door]
Come in.
Hi, Larry, I was
just wondering
if you wanted to go
get some coffee.
I‐I should have called first.
[instrumental music]
[theme music]