Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 4, Episode 18 - Car Wars - full transcript

[David Pomeranz performing
"Nothing's Gonna Stop Me Now"]

♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪

♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪

♪ Sometimes you just get
a feeling ♪

♪ Like you need some kind
of change ♪

♪ No matter what the odds
are this time ♪

♪ Nothing's gonna stand
in my way ♪

♪ This flame in my heart ♪

♪ And a long lost friend ♪

♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪

♪ Standing tall
on the wings of my dreams ♪



♪ Rise and fall
on the wings of my dreams ♪

♪ The rain and thunder ♪

♪ The wind and haze ♪

♪ I'm bound for better days ♪

♪ It's my life and my dream ♪

♪ And nothing's gonna stop me
now ♪

Cousin, cousin, I did it!

I did it, I did it!

I cashed my paycheck.

I withdraw all my savings,
and I recycled

all our aluminum cans.

And I have enough money
to buy a car.

Well, congratulations, Balki.

Well, thanks, come on,
let's go buy me a car right now.



You can't just go out
and buy a car.

‐‐No?
‐‐No, you gotta do

some research first.

‐‐Research?
‐‐Yes, you gotta read

Consumer Reports about the makes
and models

you're interested in.

You gotta check around,
shop around

to the various dealers,
see what they have to offer.

No, no, cousin,
no need for that.

I'm gonna go right down to
Honest Achmed's

Used Car Caravan.

Honest Achmed?

Yeah.

You know, the guy on television
who says he'd kiss

a camel to sell a car.

Uh, Balki, sit down.

Now, how can I say
this tactfully?

I wouldn't know.

If you try to buy a car
from Honest Achmed,

he'll eat you alive.

He's a cannibal?

No, no.

What I'm trying to say is that
Honest Achmed isn't honest.

He isn't even Achmed.

His real name is Burt Williams,
and he probably stole

that camel he kisses.

Cousin, why would he lie?

To make money.

You know, Balki, my father had
a system for finding

reliable cars.

He called it the Appleton
Used Car Rating System.

I think it might be
just what you need.

Well, well, cousin, come on.

I'm sure your father was wise
behind his ears but,

I don't think I need
his system.

You know, this, this Mepio
didn't just fall

off the turnip train,
you know.

Well, I know you didn't.

But, suppose you buy a car
without the Appleton

Used Car Rating System.

What would happen?

Well, let's look
into the future.

Look, it's a dark
and stormy night.

I wake up
with terrible pains.

Cousin, where does it hurt?

Well, right there, right there.

Right, I think it's
my appendix.

And oh, Balki, you've
got to get me to the hospital.

Cousin, it's no problem.

I drive you in my new car.

Oh, good, good.

But when we get into your car,
it won't start.

You've got to get
me to the hospital.

Cousin, I'm trying, but
my car won't start.

Help!
Help!

Help!

It's two in the morning.

There's no one around.

Oops, my appendix just burst.

I'm dead.

And all because you
wouldn't use

the Appleton Used Car
Rating System

and bought a bad, bad car.

Oh, cousin, I don't want,
I don't want

your death on my head
and shoulders.

Give me the Appleton
Used Car Rating System.

Only if you're sure.

Cousin, I'm sure, I'm sure.

I'm sure, what do I do?

Now, first, give me
all your money.

Who are you kidding?

Give me your money.

Okay.

Now, don't worry.

I'll use the Appleton System
to get you

the right car
at the right price.

Thank you, cousin.

And after you pick out my car,
can I get

a personalized license plate?

Oh, sure, why not?

I want one that says,
"Make the world

a better place by being
nice to everyone you meet."

You think that one
is taken?

We'll have to check.

My second choice is,
"Eat my rust."

Come on, I want you
to see this.

Hey, Harri, Lydia.

Just keep up what
you're doing, I want Lydia

to watch it for awhile.

Oh, so, Harriette's told
you about the Appleton

Used Car Rating System.

You know, it was developed
by my dad to make sure

we kids bought used cars
that would run

trouble‐free for years.

This is a computer print out of
every used car for sale

in the Chicagoland area.

Oh, there certainly are
a lot of them.

14,227.

Before computers, used to take
my dad forever to do this.

He started shopping
for my first car

when I was 12 years old.

Ask him how he plans
to narrow that down.

Well, using another computer
program, I've eliminated

all the trucks,
four‐wheel drive vehicles, RVs

and everything costing
more than $2500.

But, don't‐‐

then the cars themselves
are rated according

to such things as, mileage,
previous service record,

coefficient of drag.

Do you feel‐‐

and then the ratings are
factored

against the sale prices of the
cars,

which reduces
the list even further

down to the one car in Chicago
most likely to give Balki

worry‐free driving
well into the next century.

Were you a bedwetter?

I'm just tryin'
to help the guy.

Uh‐huh, what if your computer
doesn't find a car

that Balki likes?

Well, what does "like"
have to do with it?

I didn't like the car
my father got for me.

But it is still running.

Well, what do ya think?

You're right.

He is a sick man.

That's what I thought.

I just wanted
a professional opinion.

Dad always said
people wouldn't understand.

Cousin, cousin, I found it,
I found it.

I found the car of my dreams,
and it's right here

in our parking garage, come on!

And what is it, Balki,
that makes this the car

of your dreams?

It's red.

Come on!

Cousin, you can't see
it from there.

Balki, Balki, you're gonna
have to have

better reasons for buying
a car, other than the fact

that it's red.

Oh, I do, I do.

You do?

Yes, I do.

Well, let's list your reasons.

List them?

Well, uh, it's got
those little flaps

that keep the mud
from getting up on the fender.

Uh‐huh.

And, uh, it's got, it's got,
the aerial goes at an angle,

so you feel like you're drivin'
fast all the time.

Uh‐huh.

Oh, oh, and this is what
really sold me.

It's got one of those
Garfields stuck to the window.

Balki, I thought that car
might catch your eye.

You saw it, too?

Yeah, saw, I ran it
through the Appleton System.

How did it do?

It didn't measure up.

Cousin, you know, I...

I had a silly idea that buying
a car would be fun.

Balki, buying a car is not
supposed to be fun.

The fun comes years from now
when you look back

and see you were
a good consumer.

You weren't breastfed,
were you.

Years from now,
you'll thank me.

Years from now,
I'll buy a red car.

Don't look, don't look.

Cousin, I can't stand it,
I can't stand it!

I got you the most
reliable used car in Chicago.

Okay, open your eyes.

Oh, cousin, it's beautiful.

I think so, too.

Balki, Balki.

Cousin, you are the best.

Cousin, I'm sorry I talked all
those terrible things about you.

I mean, never, never in my
wildest dreams.

It's a convertible!

It's a convertible!

No, no, no.

Balki, come on, no, no, no, no.

Balki, Balki.

This isn't your car.

‐ It isn't?
‐ No.

This is your car.

Oh, god.

I knew you'd like it.

And thanks to the Appleton
System, this car is so reliable,

you could be driving it forever.

That long?

So, what do you say
we start this baby up

and take her for a spin?

I was just as excited
when I got my first car.

Come on, come on, come on.

Don't be shy.

Huh?

Listen to that engine purr.

That is the sound
of the Appleton System at work.

Okay, Balki, start it up.

Okay, Balki, start the engine.

Balki, turn the key,
start it up.

Balki, start her up.

Balki, turn it‐‐

What are you doing out here?

Just hangin' out.

I told you to start the car.

Yeah, well, I tried,
nothing happened.

Well, I'm sure it's just
a simple problem.

Well, I have a simple solution.

Why don't we take this thing
back and get another one?

Possibly a red one.

Balki, we are not taking
it back.

There is nothing wrong
with it.

Well, there is one thing
wrong with it.

It won't start.

I'm sure it's just
a small adjustment.

It passed the Appleton
System with flying colors.

Well, maybe the Appleton System
should take a flying leap.

Cousin, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry.

It just slipped out.

Balki, have a little faith.

Even as kids, some of us had
our doubts about dad's system.

I can see why.

But it never, ever
let us down.

Now, come on, give me
a hand here.

The problem seems to be
with the electrical system.

So, we have to check and see
if the battery

is delivering sufficient power.

Grab a screwdriver.

All we have to do
is touch these screwdrivers

to the battery terminals and see
if there's any electricity.

Cousin, it seems that
the battery is dead.

You know, Mr. Wizard once said
that electricity won't flow

unless there is
a complete circuit.

I wonder what he meant by that?

Ah!

Battery's fine.

Okay.

I think now we're
getting somewhere.

Well, that's what you said
when you stripped

the threads on the carburrito.

It's carburetor.

Car‐bur‐etor.

And it was an accident.

What, you never made a mistake
in your life?

Not of this magnitude.

You know, Balki, I am doing
all this for you.

I found the car for you.

I made the deal for you.

And I am trying to fix it
for you.

You're right there, cousin.

We wouldn't be here
if it wasn't for you.

Okay, well, tell you what,

if you don't wanna help,
why don't you just go home.

Cousin, I would love
to go home,

but my car don't work.

All right, look, I tell
you what,

we're both very tired
and we've been working

on this all weekend.

Well, I think it would be best
if we just put our differences

aside and worked together.

Cousin, you're right.

You're right, and you're right.

You're right.

Okay, what can I do to help?

Well, well, to start with
you could

put in the oil.

Of course, we wouldn't have
to put in new oil

if you hadn't broken
the oil filter

when you were trying to fix
the fuel pump, huh?

Well, the fuel pump wouldn't
have been broken

if you hadn't hit it
with a hammer.

Huh?

Cousin, you told me
to hit it with a hammer.

I said tap, tap it
with a hammer.

Tap, hit, eight of one,
half a dozen of another.

Just put in the oil.

Cousin, when you, when you‐‐

‐ Balki.
‐ Let me just ask you this.

Balki, just put in the oil.

‐ Put in the oil!
‐ Let me just ask you this.

Let me just ask you this
question.

Put in the oil.
Put in the oil.

Put in the oil, now!

Now!
Now!

Okay.

Cousin, I just wanna ask you
one little question.

Balki, put in the oil, now!

Cousin, was this what you‐‐

Thank you.

Well, Balki, we did it.

Yup, we took apart everything
in my car

and put it back together again.

You have to do that sometimes.

The amazing thing is we don't
have any parts left over.

Always a good sign.

Well, Balki, why don't we
start it up

and take this baby
for a spin.

Cousin, it started.

Chalk up one more
for the Appleton System.

Why don't we turn it off
and call it a victory?

No, no, no, no.

Put her into drive.

That would be the d?

Yes, it would.

Perfect.

Balki, you are about to drive
your very own car

for the first time.

This is a moment you'll
never forget.

Cousin, thank you
for making it possible.

Hey, don't thank me.

Thank the Appleton Used
Car Rating System.

Go ahead, Balki, step
on the gas.

Cousin, in the Appleton System,
exactly when do

you admit failure?

Cousin, thank you for helping
me buy my first car.

Actually, it was your second.

No, I don't count
the first one.

I never actually drove it,
forward.

Well, I'm just glad
Honest Achmed gave ya

a good deal on the trade‐in.

Yeah, $150 for a car
that only drives backwards

ain't bad.

And I'm really happy
with the red car I just bought.

Balki, I owe you an apology.

I thought the Appleton System
was foolproof

and that's why I couldn't admit
that...

Your car was a lemon.

No, cousin, it was
a sedan.

And it was just about
the ugliest one I've ever seen

in my life,

except for that picture you
showed me

of your first car.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

My dad picked that car out.

That car was reliable.

Car was fuel efficient.

Car was ugly.

Oh, boy.

You know something, I hated
that, I hated that car.

But I could never tell my dad.

Cousin, you know what I think?

First thing in the morning,
you should call up

your papa and get that piece
of your mind off your chest.

You're right, I will, I will.

And Balki, tomorrow,
when we go into work,

we don't know anything about
that hole in the wall.