Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 4, Episode 11 - That Old Gang of Mine - full transcript

When Mary Ann moves away because of work, Balki falls into a depression. Larry suggests to get his mind of it is to get a hobby. And what Balki ends up doing is joining a motorcycle gang called the motor psychos.

[David Pomeranz performing
"Nothing's Gonna Stop Me Now"]

♪ Sometimes
the world looks perfect ♪

♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪

♪ Sometimes
you just get a feeling ♪

♪ Like you need
some kind of change ♪

♪ No matter what the odds
are this time ♪

♪ Nothing's gonna stand
in my way ♪

♪ This flame in my heart,
And a long lost friend ♪

♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end. ♪

♪ Standing tall ♪

♪ On the wings of my dream ♪



♪ Rise and fall ♪

♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

♪ Through the rain
and thunder ♪

♪ The wind and haze ♪

♪ I'm bound for better days ♪

♪ It's my life
and my dream ♪

♪ And nothing's
gonna stop me now ♪

[instrumental music]

(Jennifer)
'Okay Mary Anne, say goodbye.'

'We've got to hurry,
or you'll miss your plane.'

Good luck.

Good luck
on your new job.

Thanks. I'll write every day.
I promise.

‐ Okay, bye.
‐ Bye.



Well, Balki, I..

...guess you're feeling
a lot of pain right now.

Oh, no, no, cousin.

I mean,
she's going away

but that don't change our
feelings for one another and..

...she'll stop by when she's
in the neighborhood.

Stop by when she's
in the neighborhood?

Balki, Mary Anne
is moving to London.

I know what you're feeling.
I've been there.

You've been to London?

No. No.. Here.
Balki, sit down.

I've had
a traumatic experience

like the one
you're about to have.

When I was
in fifth grade

I was in love
with Carolyn Smyser.

Every day
we'd eat lunch together.

We'd walk home from
school holding hands.

And then one day
she dropped a bomb on me.

She was a terrorist?

No.

Th‐the bomb,
was it a water bomb?

‐ No.
‐ A flea and tick bomb?

Balki, no, no.

Just‐just..
Just listen.

Carolyn's father..

...Carolyn's father bought a..

...cattle ranch in Texas

and she told me
she'd write every day

and that she'd spend her
summer vacation's in Madison.

And that
we'd always be together.

A lip bomb?

Try not to speak..

... until I point to you.

Okay?

Well, for a while, I got
a letter from Carolyn every day

and then once a week
and then a card at Christmas.

Then...nothing.

That girl
I‐I'd loved..

...was gone...forever.

That's
the saddest story..

...I've ever heard.

What does that have
to do with Mary Anne?

It's the same thing.

Mary Anne's new life
will be filled with..

...with glamour
and excitement.

Well, she'll be..

...too tired to write.

She'll forget to call.

She won't have time
to visit.

Balki, she means well

but face it,
that chick is gone.

Oh, cousin I had no idea
I hurt so much

until you
pointed it out to me.

Hey..

That's what friends
are for.

Balki, it's three o'clock
in the morning.

What are you doing?

I'm listening to the
refrigerator turn on and off.

Well, that sounds like
something worth doing.

Balki, why do‐don't you
try and get some sleep.

No, cousin.

We need to go to work
in a few hours.

I don't care.

I...It‐it don't matter.

I can't eat.
I can't sleep.

I can't do anything
except think about..

...except think about...
Mary Anne.

You feel like
you wanna die, don't you?

Balki..

...if you wanna stop
thinking

about Mary Anne, you know
what you have to do?

No.

You have to get
yourself a hobby.

‐ A hobby?
‐ Yes.

Yes, a hobby.
Something new and exciting

to take your mind off her.

I got over Caroline Smyser
By taking up photography.

Really?

Yes, I spent so much time
taking pictures

that I forgot all about her.

Really?

Yes, I even joined a photography
club and met a lot of people.

‐ Really?
‐ Yes.

There must be something
that you've always wanted to do.

No, there isn't.

There's got to be one thing

that you've always dreamed
of doing.

There is one thing.

Good, what is it?

‐ Sheep vaulting.
‐ Well, there you go.

Sheep vaulting?

Cousin, it is the number one

spectator sport on Mypos.

Stop me if I have
told you this before.

I was actually there
when Tony Tomopolos

jumped over 37 sheep
in one vault.

Unfortunately
he was trying for 38.

On Mypos they still
use that shot

at the beginning
of White Wilder Sports.

They call it,
"The thrill of victory

the agony of the sheep."

Sheep vaulting?

Balki, I‐I don't think
sheep vaulting

has hit the States yet.

But just look wha‐what
talking about a new hobby

has done for you already.

‐ What has it done for me?
‐ It's taking your mind off her.

‐ Who?
‐ Mary Anne.

Sorry.

[instrumental music]

I'm telling you, go ahead.

Ask him
where Balki is.

Where's Balki?

He took
the day off.

Ask him why?

Why?

As I explained
to Harriette

Balki's been very upset ever
since Mary Anne moved to London

so I gave him a little advise
about how to handle it.

And he's out..

...following my advice.

Now, ask him what
the advice was.

I told him if he wanted
to take his mind off Mary Anne

he should find a hobby
maybe join a club.

I told him to check out
coin collecting

model building,
historical walks‐‐

Balki's suffering
from a broken heart

and you told him to take
a historical walk?

Take it from a professional
advice columnist, Larry.

Your advice stinks.

I can't believe
I'm about to say this

but Lydia's right.

Harriette,
oh, thank you.

If Balki doesn't
get some help

he's going to end up
as crazy as she is.

You just
cannot pay me a compliment

and let it drop, can you?

I mean, would it kill you
just to be nice?

Nice?

I've got one nerve left
and you're leaning on it.

You'll see.

When Balki finds a hobby,
he'll be a new man.

[motorcycle engine revving]

[instrumental music]

[motorcycle engine revving]

What did you do?

I joined the club.

What, the Peter Fonda
fan club?

No.

The motor psychos.

The motor psychos?

The motor psychos.

"If you're looking for trouble
we'll help you find it."

I think they're kind of
a public service organization.

Oh, my lord.

You've got a tattoo.

It's not a real tattoo.

It's a loaner.

Cousin, you were right.

Joining a club
is just what I needed

to help me
to get my mind off of..

...that person I'm trying
to get my mind off of.

You should join too. Then
we can ride our hogs together.

I don't want
to ride a hog.

I don't want
to join the club.

I've heard about
the motor psychos.

They are
awful people.

No, they're not.

The motor psychos
are a swell bunch of guys.

I've got an initiation
ceremony to get to.

Balki..

...you are not joining
that club.

Oh, yes, I am.

Alright, Balki, listen to me.

[engine starting]

[inaudible]

[engine revving]

Hi, Cobra.

Hey, kid, how you doing?

Just fine, thank you.

Sorry about that.

That's okay.
I've got another neck.

[laughs]
That's great!

Hey, everybody,
the funny kid's back.

‐ Hey!
‐ Yeah!

So, Cobra, when
is the initiation?

You know the rules.

You can't be
a...motor psycho..

...till you get yourself
an old lady.

Oh, well, I know that rule.

I stopped at the senior
citizens' home on the way here.

But I got to tell you

those old ladies
can really put up a fight.

[laughs]
Don't worry, kid.

I'll take care of you.

I'll get you one.

Yo, Flame!

(Cobra)
'Flame will be
your old lady.'

It's initiation time!

(all)
'Yeah!'

I'll go get
the pitbulls.

Oh, thank you very much.

Don't mind if I do.

Grrr!

For an old lady,
you are in remarkable shape.

Clean living.

Oh, cousin, you
changed your mind

about the motor psychos!

Now we're both
going to be members!

Now we're so happy,
we do the dance of joy.

Stop it.

No, I have not
changed my mind

about the motor psychos.

I came down here to talk
some sense into you.

Now, come on. Let's go.

Who's the pocket yuppie?

Oh, this is my cousin, Larry.

Cousin, this is my
new friend, Cobra.

It's spelled
just like the snake.

Well, it's very nice
to meet you, Mr. Cobra.

String tie.

Nice look for you.

Listen, I'd love
to stay and chat

but I‐I really just stopped
by to get Balki.

So if you'll excuse us‐‐

Hey!

The kid stays.

He makes us laugh.

Well, you know if it's‐if it's
laughs you're looking for

I‐I could send you
some comedy albums.

Y‐you like Steve Martin?

Robin Williams?

Oh, w‐what about Jay Leno?

He rides a motorcycle.

Jay leno?

Jay Leno's funny.

But..

...he's no Garry Shandling!

I can get Shandling.

You know what I think, pal?

I think you came
to the wrong place..

...at the wrong time.

Oh, oh.

What are you doing
to my cousin, Larry?

Cousin, I..

It's just a little game we play.

It's called target practice.

Cobra..

...I'm beginning to think
there's a dark side to you.

I don't think
I wanna be in your club.

That's okay.

You don't have to join

but..

...we're still going to go
ahead with the initiation.

Hey! A beer truck just
overturned down the street!

'There's free beer
for everyone!'

(all)
Yeah!

I'll be back.

Balki, Balki, stop!

Let me help you down.

‐ Come on. Okay? Ready?
‐ Yes.

One, two, three, ugh!

One, two, three, ugh!

One, two, three, ugh!

Alright, stop.

Unh! Stop.

Unh! Stop.

Unh! Balki, stop it!

Balki.

Reach for that chair.

Balki..

...with your foot.

Reach with your foot. Go on.

Go on.

Go ahead. Reach.

Oh, just.. G‐good.
Go ahead. Reach.

Alright, here, let me help you.

Reach.

Reach, reach, reach.

Oh! Aah!

Aah! Aah!

Oh. Alright. Pull it over.

Come here. Alright.
Good. Good. Good.

Alright. Alright.

Come on.

That‐a‐boy. Okay.

Alright.

Okay. Balki, help me down.

Cousin, cousin, do it for me.

‐ No, no, Balki.
‐ 'Oh, please, cousin.'

Please, please, Mr. Scarecrow..

...which way
to the Emerald city?

(both)
Some people go that way

and some people
go that way.

Of course...people do go
both ways.

I love it!

I love it!

I love it!

Balki!

Get me down!

Oh, oh, oh.

‐ Oh, oh.
‐ Oh, oh.

Oh!

What's this?

I thought
I was riding with kitten lips.

‐ Get 'em.
‐ Alright, hold it!

Don't come any closer!

[glass breaking]

Is that what you
were trying to do?

Well, I wasn't going
for the head.

No, you were going for
this kind of piston movement..

[indistinct chattering]

You know sometimes
the label covers

over the part of the bottle..

(both)
Yes, that was it.

Let's go.

Cousin, cousin, cousin.

It's initiation time!

(all)
Yeah!

Oh, look!

There's Elvis!

‐ Where's Elvis?
‐ I don't see Elvis.

Cousin, I‐I want to..

Hey, get those guys!

‐ Hey!
‐ Yeah!

[both panting]

‐ Are you sure we lost them?
‐ Positive.

Are you sure you didn't
tell them where you live?

Positive.

Are you sure you never
told them your name?

‐ Positive.
‐ Ah, good.

I think we're safe.

Of course, I did give your name
and address as a reference.

You what?

‐ Just kidding.
‐ Oh.

Cousins should joke more.

Balki..

...let me give you
a little tip.

Anytime you meet someone

with the word "death"

tattooed anywhere
on their body..

...stay away.

Words to live by.

Oh, cousin, I should
have listened to you

when you told me not to join
the motor psychos.

Well..

...I can understand
why you did it.

It's the only thing that kept
your mind off Mary Anne.

[sobbing]

Oops.

[crying]
I'm never going to get over her.

[knock on door]

Mary Anne!

Do you have to keep
mentioning her name?

Balki.

Oh, boy,
now I'm hearing her voice.

Balki?

Cousin, I'm halluciginating.

Balki, this is Mary Anne.

Mary Anne.

You came back.

You came back.

I came back.

Nice outfit.

Mary Anne, why did
you come back?

Oh, I had to.

I missed Chicago..

...but most of all,
I missed you.

Well, believe me, Mary Anne

Balki missed you, too.

Mary Anne, you are
not going to believe

what happened
while you were gone.

I can hardly believe it myself.

‐ What?
‐ Cousin Larry saw Elvis.

[theme music]