Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 4, Episode 10 - Maid to Order - full transcript

When the apartment gets messy. The guys decide to hire a housekeeper. They hire a woman named Mrs. Bailey who works cheap and very efficient. But when she ingratiates herself into every ...

[David Pomeranz performing
"Nothing's Gonna Stop Me Now"]

♪ Sometimes
the world looks perfect ♪

♪ Nothin' to rearrange ♪

♪ Sometimes you just
get a feelin' ♪

♪ Like you need
some kind of change ♪

♪ No matter what
the odds are this time ♪

♪ Nothing's gonna
stand in my way ♪

♪ This flame in my heart ♪

♪ Like a long‐lost friend ♪

♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the e‐end ♪

♪ Standing ta‐a‐all ♪



♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

♪ Rise and fa‐a‐all ♪

♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

♪ Through the rain and thunder ♪

♪ The wind and haze ♪

♪ I'm bound for better days ♪

♪ Aah ah ♪

♪ It's my life and my dream ♪

♪ And nothing's gonna
stop me now ♪

[instrumental music]

Ah, this is getting ridiculous.

I didn't have time
to do the laundry yesterday.

This is the only clean shirt
I've got to wear to work.

You think this looks okay
with a tie?



Well, it looks
pretty stylish to me.

Yeah.

Cousin, don't worry.
I do the laundry tonight.

‐ Mm.
‐ Oh, wait a minute.

I, I can't.

I got, uh, to study for history

and I'm three days
behind on the dishes.

Well, now I barely have
time to eat breakfast.

Cousin, I'm, I'm sorry

but there are
no clean bowls for your cereal.

But that's okay because

there are no clean spoons
for your cereal.

[exhales]

Care for a handful of cereal?

Balki, the apartment is a mess.

Mm.

Between your goin'
to college at night

and my extra work at the paper,
w‐we don't have time

to get caught up on
the household chores anymore.

I think we should get a maid.

Cousin, I hardly think getting
a young woman to milk a goat

is going to solve our problem.

Not a milkmaid.

I'm talking about a maid.

Someone who comes in while
we're at work, cleans up

and is gone
by the time we get home.

O‐o‐oh! On Mypos, we call
those people thieves.

[exhales]
Well, in America
we call them maids

and we're going to get one.

We're gonna hire someone
to come in once a week

and clean this place up.

Fine by me!

Milk?

[instrumental music]

‐ Uh.
‐ Cousin..

I've been lookin'
for two days and nothin'.

I can't believe what
they charge for housekeepers!

Well, wait till
you hear this, I got..

Most of these people
make more money than I do!

Well, wait till you hear this.

It's impossible to find a maid

who'll work for $35 a day.

Cousin, I found a maid!

‐ You did?
‐ Y‐yeah!

‐ You found a maid?
‐ Yeah!

You found someone who's willing
to work for $35 a day?

No.

I found someone who's
willing to work every day

for thirty five dollars a week!

Can I sniff out
a bargain or what?

There's gotta be a catch.

You gotta be crazy
to work for $35 a week.

You didn't hire
a crazy person, did you?

Well, of course I didn't,
don't be ridiculous!

Would I give
the week's grocery money

to a crazy person
to shop for us?

You gave the week's grocery
money to a total stranger?

Cousin, try to pay attention.

I didn't give the week's grocery
money to a total stranger.

I gave it to a woman
who I have very

very good feeling about.

O‐o‐oh! You had
a good feeling about her?

‐ Yes.
‐ Oh, well, I stand corrected.

It's okay.

You didn't give
our money to a crazy person..

‐ No.
‐ ...you are the crazy person!

What is the matter with you?

Balki, that's the last
you'll see of her.

She's probably out
blowing our money at the track.

Uh. Oh, I'm sorry.

It took so long,
but I got a butcher

who didn't know his ribs
from his rump, heh, heh, heh.

O‐oh, you must be Larry.

I've heard a lot about you. Heh.

Listen, I've seen your bedroom.
I think I can save it.

Uh.

Cousin, this, this is she.

This is our new housekeeper.

I like you to meet Mrs. Bailey.

Mrs. Bailey, I‐I think
there's been a misunderstanding.

Oh, you probably think
you're dealing

with a crazy person, right?

Well, well, why would
I think that? Heh.

Well, because
only a crazy person

would work for $35 a week.

Well, that does seem logical.

The only thing
that makes me crazy

is sitting around
my empty house doing nothing.

[chuckles]
I don't need the money.

It's the work
that makes me happy.

You got
an 8 inch springform cake pan?

I, uh, kinda doubt it.

Well, now, I've got
just enough time

to do the laundry
before I start making dinner.

‐ You boys like chocolate cake?
‐ Yes!

It's Cousin Larry's favorite!

Then chocolate it is. Heh, heh.

Heh, wai.. Uh, uh, here

uh, Mrs. Bailey, let
me give you a hand‐‐

No, no, no. That's my job.

Your job is to get
these clothes dirty.

And by the looks of things,
you're the best.

[laughs]
Thanks. I'll be back.

Well, uh, cousin, it appears

that someone has found us
a rather incredible maid.

Is there anything you'd like
to say to that someone?

Yes.

What the hell is
an 8 inch springform cake pan?

[instrumental music]

Good morning, Harriette.

Oh, good mornin', baby.

Mmm‐mm, look at you.

I haven't seen you this
wrinkle‐free in ages.

That new maid
must really be somethin'.

Oh, yes, she is something.

She is somethin'.

She's there early before we get
up, has a big breakfast waiting.

Dinner's ready when we get home.

She does the laundry,
the dishes, the shopping.

She even turns down the beds

and has a little mint
on the pillow.

Sounds like you died
and went to a Holiday Inn!

Yeah.

And I should be happy.

So what's the problem?

Well, uh, I, I don't know.

I got somebody who waits
on me hand and foot

and, uh

it's startin'
to get on my nerves.

Look, you're never
gonna believe this.

[Harriette laughing]

‐ Mr. Gorpley's in a good mood!
‐ You're kidding.

No, he, he let me play
darts with him.

‐ Is that right?
‐ 'Yeah!'

I got to hold the board!

What's that on your shirt, baby?

Oh, this is a, a note
that, that Mrs. Bailey

pinned to me to remind me
to take my vitamins.

Isn't it a good idea?

Now, Cousin Larry
and I will never..

Cousin Larry and I will never

forget anything.

What? You‐you took
your note off?

I think I can remember to floss.

Well, I certainly hope so

because as Mrs. Bailey says

plaque is the leading cause of
tooth decay and gingivitis.

Mm.

Mrs. Bailey is so smart.

I always thought that gingivitis

was Fred Astaire's
dancing partner

Oh, there you are.

Mrs. Bailey! Mrs. Bailey!

...oh, oh, what am I
gonna do with you boys?

You walked right out
without taking your galoshes.

I mean, it's bad enough
you're gonna ruin your shoes

you wanna ruin
your health, too?

No, I don't! I would never do
anything like that to you.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, and you‐you came
all the way down here.

You‐you shouldn't have
come down here.

Uh, he's right.
You really shouldn't have.

Bartokomous!

Get these memos out
to everybody in circulation.

Okay.

See to it that all
these sacks are sorted.

Oh, okay.

And remember to get all
your pick‐ups done early today.

Okay.

‐ Go!
‐ Okay.

Go!

Pardon me, young man.

There is a nicer way
to ask for things.

And I didn't once hear
you use the magic word.

‐ Excuse me?
‐ No, no, no. Not excuse me.

Ple‐e‐ease.

And you should smile
more! Heh, heh.

Balki, come here.

Say you're sorry.

[sobs]
I'm sorry.

Is he always like that?

No.

Sometimes he'll wear a plaid.

Oh, I almost forgot.

I tried that recipe you told
me about for pig snout puffs.

‐ You did?.
‐ Mm‐hmm.

Now, be honest.

I've never worked
with snout before.

Just like Mama used to make!

‐ Heh, heh, heh.
‐ Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Mrs. Bailey, let's go offer

the uneaten ones to my friend
Jimmy the security guard.

‐ Oh, that'll be fun.
‐ Okay. Come on.

Oh, Larry, what did I
tell you about your posture?

That's better.

(Balki)
'Jimmy! Jimmy!'

You've got a problem, baby.

You didn't hire a maid,
you hired a mother.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Wow!

That was some concert, huh?

I just love George Michael.

I think it's so sexy when
someone has two first names.

You know, when he sang
"Careless Whisper," I melted.

Just makes me feel so romantic.

Well, why don't you select
some music to sustain the mood.

And we'll be right back.

Balki.

I think this could be
the greatest night of my life.

Now, when we go back into the
living room, I'll dim the lights

ask Jennifer to dance and then

when I feel the time
is right, I'll do this.

Why would anybody do this?

Because when I do this..

...that means that you will tell

Mary Anne that you want
to go upstairs and see

her "Great Cities of the World"
place mat collection.

I've already seen it.

I was quite disappointed
in Barcelona.

Balki, trust me.

Barcelona is much prettier
this time of year.

[instrumental music on radio]

May I have this dance?

Why, yes, you may.

So, uh, Mary Anne

uh, would you like to

join Cousin Larry and Jennifer?

What..

[music continues]

Ooh!

[fingers snapping]

[fingers snapping]

Wow!

Uh, Mary Anne, why don't you
take Balki upstairs and show him

your "Great Cities of the World"
place mat collection?

Well, okay!

[door opens]

Oh, you're home!

Mrs. Bailey!

‐ Mrs. Bailey.
‐ Yes..

Listen, I‐I want you
to meet our friends.

This is Mary Anne.

‐ Hello, Mary Anne.
‐ Hi.

And, uh, this is Jennifer.

‐ Hello, Jennifer.
‐ Hi.

And, and this,
this is Mrs. Bailey

our new housekeeper.

Mrs. Bailey, what
are you doing here?

I work here.

Oh, honey, this
one's crazy about you.

Uh, listen, Mrs. Bailey

I think you've done
enough work for one day.

Now, why don't you take
the rest of the evening off?

Oh, Larry, that's
so sweet of you.

Well, if I don't have
to fold the clothes

why don't I mix up a batch
of chocolate chip cookies

and then I can get
to know your friends better.

Chocolate chip cookies!
What a great idea!

Yeah, I really think it's,
uh, kind of late for all this.

Yeah, i‐it is late.
We, we better be going.

What? What?
Uh, you're leaving?

Well, Larry, I have to get
up early tomorrow morning

and we've kind of lost the mood.

Oh, no, no, no. We haven't.

Once she's gone,
the lights go down

the music will come up
and I'll find

the mood if it kills me.

Larry, I'll talk
to you tomorrow.

Thanks for a wonderful evening.
Come on, Mary Anne.

Yeah, but‐but, uh, but, but..

I don't understand,
is anybody gonna come

and look at
my place mats or what?

Did your dates leave?

Ye‐e‐es, yes, they did.

O‐oh. I hope I didn't
ruin the evening.

Oh, no, no, Mrs. Bailey.
You didn't ruin anything.

They, they always leave
around this time.

Anyway, we can still have
those chocolate chip cookies.

Aw, of course, we can.

Okay and.. Ah, let me just fold

these and then
I'll mix up a batch.

Here we go.

Alright, Balki. We have
to talk about Mrs. Bailey.

Well, well, you know,
that's a good idea.

Look, it's‐it's midnight

and she's here baking
chocolate chip cookies.

We should give her a raise.

A raise wasn't
what I had in mind.

Look, Balki, I‐I like
Mrs. Bailey as much as anybody

but it's like
living with my mother.

I know it!
It gets better and better!

Mrs. Bailey is driving me crazy.

Cousin, what are
you talking about?

Mrs. Bailey's a wonderful woman

and a terrific housekeeper.

She's everything
we wanted and more.

It's the more that's
driving me crazy.

I‐it's the more
that is always here

when I want to be alone.

It's the more that
always makes sure

I wash my hands before dinner.

And it's the more that ruined

what could have been

the most wonderful night
of my life.

So what are you saying?

I am saying I just wanted
someone who would come in

and clean up a little,
not someone

who would tuck me
in every night.

Balki, I'm going to have
to fire Mrs. Bailey.

(Balki)
'Well, you can kiss
that notion goodbye!'

Mrs. Bailey likes
taking care of us

and I like being taken care of.

So it's two against
one. She stays.

No, Balki, no, I, I should go.

Oh, Mrs. Bailey,
I‐I, I didn't mean, uh..

‐ No, that's alright.
‐ W‐what I, what I meant‐‐

‐ He means he didn't mean it.
‐ No, please, no, please.

‐ Mrs. Bailey, I'm sorry, I..
‐ Please don't do this..

Please, please, don't apologize.

It's just a situation
that didn't work out.

I'm very pleased
to have met you both.

And I'm sure you'll find
someone more suitable.

Please don't,
please don't, don't..

Aah, look, uh, Balki,
believe me that

this is, this is
really not what I had..

[door slams]

...in mind.

[blows]

[instrumental music]

Oh! Hey, buddy.
You're home early.

So how was class?

You know, Balki, there's‐there's

somethin' I wanna tell ya.

Eh, Balki?

Balki?

I think you
should know that‐that..

[sighs]

Okay, it's been three days now.

Balki, how long you
gonna keep this goin'?

Forever or until
you hire Mrs. Bailey back

whichever comes first.

Uh, did you hire her back?

Well, Balki, I'm not gonna
hire Mrs. Bailey back..

[knock on door]

‐ Oh.
‐ Oh, hi, Mrs. Bailey.

‐ Hi, Larry.
‐ Come on in. Sit down.

This is for you and Balki.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, my goodness!

Three days and this place
hasn't fallen apart? Heh, heh.

‐ My, I'm proud of you.
‐ Well, thanks.

Mrs. Bailey! Mrs. Bailey,
you came back!

You came back!

She came back!

I still can't believe
what you boys did for me.

I just had to come back
and say thank you.

Thank us? For what?

Well, we were glad to do it.

Took a little legwork,
but when Balki and I found

that sorority at Northwestern
that needed a housemother

well, we both knew you'd
be perfect for the job.

You were so right.
I've never enjoyed a job more.

But, but, but, don't
you enjoy working for us?

Oh, of course, sweetheart.

But Larry was right.
I, I really don't belong here.

‐ We need you.
‐ No, you don't!

‐ Yes, I do!
‐ No, you don't.

You can take care
of yourself. Heh.

But these college kids, they
really need me. Heh, heh.

Oh, well, I've got to get going

but please, come
and visit me, will you?

‐ Oh. Sure, we will.
‐ Oh, that's great.

Come on, heh, heh.

And enjoy the cake.

Ah. Heh. Heh.

Don't forget now,
come and visit.

‐ Oh, we will.
‐ Will do, will do!

Ooh, ooh, one more thing.

Try to make it a habit
to keep the toilet seat down.

You'll thank me
when you get married.

Well, I'll be snookered.

You, you went out
and, and found Mrs. Bailey

a job that makes her happy.

Oh, Balki, was that you?

Well, I didn't
recognize your voice.

It's been so long
since I heard it.

Uh, heh, cousin

um, I'm sorry.

I feel awful.

You know, for,
for, for three days

I've done nothing

but‐but‐but sit in my bedroom

and be angry at you.

Oh, is that where you were?
I was so worried.

I, I thought you moved out.

You're not gonna
make this easy, are you?

No.

I don't get
many opportunities like this.

[chuckles]

Cousin, I apologize.

Uh, I, I‐I

I can't believe that

I was having bad thoughts about

how selfish you were

when‐when you were out
giving of yourself.

You know, you are a saint.

I'm humbled in your presence.

I, I would be honored to be

the dirt on your shoes.

No, dirt is too
honorable for me.

‐ Yeah.
‐ Mm.

‐ I would be honored to be..
‐ Jo, j.. Okay, okay.

To be the mildew
on your shower curtain.

Yeah, Balki, that's enough.

That, that's good,
that, that's, that's good.

Uhh.

‐ Cousin, I'm sorry.
‐ I forgive you. Uh.

Now, why don't
we have a piece of

Mrs. Bailey's chocolate cake?

‐ Oh, good idea.
‐ Heh, heh, heh.

You want, uh,
real plates or paper?

Well, uh, let me see.

Whose turn is it
to do the dishes?

‐ Yours.
‐ Paper!

Right.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]