Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 3, Episode 9 - Future Shock - full transcript
Jennifer gets a job opportunity but it requires for her to move. Larry doesn't like it but he says nothing. Balki tells him he should speak up or he could live to regret it. He goes to ...
(NOTHING'S GONNA STOP ME NOW
PLAYING)
* Sometimes the world
looks perfect
* Nothin' to rearrange
* Sometimes you just
* Get a feelin' like you need
* Some kind of change
* No matter what
the odds are this time
* Nothing's gonna stand
in my way
* This flame in my heart
like a long lost friend
* Gives every dark street
a light at the end
* Standing tall
* On the wings
of my dreams
* Rise and fall
* On the wings
of my dreams
* The rain and thunder
* The wind and haze
* I'm bound
for better days
* And my dream
* And nothing's gonna
stop me now *
Cousin, hold on to your pants!
And fasten your neck brace
because I'm gonna
show you something
that's gonna make your head spin
like Linda Blair.
Look.
New watch?
No, uh-uh...
More than a new watch.
It's a, it's a Rolex!
With, with solid quartz crystal
and genuine Swiss movements
and if you look at it
in a certain light,
you can see
up your nose.
Balki, Rolexes
are very expensive.
Well, I guess I really stepped
in something good this time.
Yeah, let me look at it.
No, no.
Come, on, let me
see your new watch.
No, no. I don't think so.
Well, why not?
Well, why look at my watch,
when you can look
at your own watch!
Yes, Cousin Larry Appleton!
Your very own watch!
Tell us about it, Balki.
Well, Balki, it's a Rolex
with solid quartz crystal
and genuine Swiss movement,
automatic day and date display.
Promotional consideration
by Bartokomous of Mypos.
Back to you, cousin.
Well, this is a Rolex,
all right.
Well...
Oh.
The stem came off.
And the crystal.
And the back.
Is this a kit?
Where'd you buy this?
From Leon.
Leon
Leon. The human discount
department store.
All of the merchandise,
none of the parking problem.
And I bet he gave you
a good deal, right?
Well, you can say that again.
He let me have it for $38.95.
Balki...
Leon is a crook.
These watches are counterfeit.
You've been ripped off.
Wait a minute.
And that these watches
are counterfeit?
And that I've been ripped off?
Yes.
What's your point?
My point is,
first thing tomorrow morning
we are going down to
the police and tell them
about this Leon.
You didn't buy anymore watches
from him, did you?
Well, of course not.
Don't be ridiculous.
I just bought Mary Anne
this priceless pearl necklace.
Leon said it used to belong
to Elvis Presley.
LARRY: Going to the
police department
was a complete waste of time.
Let me guess.
You're upset.
We're more than upset.
We're...really upset.
What's wrong?
I'll tell you what's wrong.
Tell her, cousin.
A scam artist sold Balki
two phony watches
and a necklace
of no value whatsoever,
so we went to the police
and, quite frankly,
they were no help at all.
They said,
"Don't call us,
we'll call us."
The police department
is incompetent,
inefficient,
and stinks on ice.
I wasn't finished.
They're also
overworked, underpaid,
and unappreciated.
Don't kiss up, baby.
Can't your husband help us?
Well, he could,
but he's in Homicide.
Well, when he gets back,
can't he give us a call?
No, uh, you see, honey,
Homicide isn't a place.
It's, uh...
I'll give him the message.
Well, nothing to be done.
I guess Princess Di is cast.
No use crying over spilt curd.
It's just not right.
Hoodlums operating
out in the open,
taking advantage
of the little people.
I know.
Wait a minute.
What am I thinking of?
Is it a number
between one and ten?
Good guess, but no.
Twelve?
No.
Uh, is it bigger
than a head cheese?
All right, Balki.
Just let me tell you
what I'm thinking.
in the city,
and we're wondering what to do
about a measly scam artist?
That's what
you were thinking?
How is a person
supposed to guess that?
Balki, I'm a reporter.
We can expose Leon.
We can infiltrate
the whole operation.
We can put those guys
out of business.
Let me get this straight.
You and I,
two complete amateurs,
are going to go down
and fool people
who make their living
fooling people?
Right.
I don't think so.
Come on, Balki.
We have certain advantages.
We have the element of surprise.
I know what I'm doing.
I've already figured out a plan.
You introduce me to Leon
as a big time player
a mover and a shaker.
but we only want to deal
with the boss.
Bruce Springsteen
is involved in this?
Not "The Boss." Leon's boss.
His supplier. We'll set up
a meeting in a couple of days.
That'll give us time
to get the newspaper involved.
They'll give us marked money.
We'll make the buy and blow
their operation wide open.
It'll be just like
Miami Vice.
You and me, undercover.
Can I be Don Johnson?
Sure.
You got it.
Balki?
Aren't you taking
this Miami Vice thing
a little too far?
Now, wait just a minute.
Isn't that a bit like
Pa Kettle calling
Ma Kettle black?
Balki, this is my disguise.
I'm pretending
to be a tough guy.
Well, if Leon buys that,
he'd buy some
of his own watches.
Watch this.
Que pasa, bro?
What's happening?
Where's the action?
First day undercover?
All right,
I'll lose the accent.
You call that an accent?
BALKI: Look, cousin, there
he is. There's Leon.
Let's go.
Excuse me, Mr. Leon.
Uh, we, we want to talk...
Hey, hey, hey.
No refunds, man. No way.
Oh, no. I don't want a refund.
You don't?
No, I want to introduce you
to my friend, Cousin Larry.
He's a big-time player.
He's a mover and a shaker.
And, uh... and, um...
Wait, wait, wait.
Balki.
I want to buy
a lot of watches.
I can move them
on the west side.
We're talking big bucks here.
How big?
Uh...
Three, four Gs.
Three, four Gs?
That's chump change!
Three, four Gs. Ha!
Try five Gs.
Balki.
Try ten Gs.
Balki.
Try 15 Gs.
Balki.
Question, what's a G?
It's a thousand dollars.
Gee.
You sure you guys
can get this kind of money?
We're sure.
There's one condition.
We only deal with the top man.
You can?
Uh...
Friday night
good for everybody?
Tonight!
Midnight.
Right here.
Midnight? That only gives us
an hour and a half.
Oh, out of the question.
How about Thursday morning
over pancakes?
How about midnight?
My thought exactly. Cousin?
Good. I'm gonna
go set it up.
Don't you guys try
and pull anything funny,
or we'll hurt you.
And you'll never get well.
I'm ready to go, cousin.
Is this okay?
Fine.
Balki,
in your coat pocket.
The recorder will be hidden
in your pocket.
When I say,
"Let's make a deal,"
you turn it on.
When I say,
"Let's make a deal."
Can you remember that?
Well, of course I can.
Don't be ridiculous.
Here's the tape.
"Motown's Biggest Pop Hits"?
Are you sure you want to record
over The Supremes?
Yes, I do.
Now, Balki, we're supposed
to meet these guys
in half an hour.
The money's ready.
Let's get going.
Okay, cousin, um,
before we go...
I think I ought to point out
one small but
significant flaw
in your otherwise
brilliant plan.
Um...
Somebody...
I'm not naming names.
...forgot to put
The President's face on this.
Blank green paper.
on the top
of each stack of paper.
So that it looks like
there's $15,000
in the briefcase.
Of course, they'll want
to see the money.
But I will only
let them look, not touch.
I will open the briefcase,
like so...
Then I'll quickly
close the briefcase, like so.
They will have seen the money,
Therefore, they will believe
that there is $15,000
in fact in the briefcase.
Now can we go?
Question.
What?
After you open the briefcase
aren't they going
to grab the money?
Oh, I see.
You think
they can grab the money
before I can close
the briefcase.
That is correct.
Try it. Hmm?
Try it.
You wanna grab
the money
Okay, smart guy,
you got a better idea?
Well, of course I do.
Don't be ridiculous.
Oh
I do.
You do?
I do.
But I'm sure there is one.
would have thought
of it long ago.
Now, can we leave?
We have hoodlums waiting.
Wow, I've never been
here this late.
I can't believe
how quiet it is.
Yeah.
Too quiet.
Hello!
Will you stop it?
Well, I'm sorry.
Look, just stay cool.
When Leon gets here,
all we have to do
is make the deal.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
I'm turning on
the tape recorder.
You gave me the signal.
No. Not yet.
The signal is,
"Let's make a deal."
Let's.
Oh. Okay, okay, I got it.
Now, just stay calm.
Yo!
Oh.
Leon.
Okay, boys,
let's make a deal.
No! Not yet!
What?
No. Yes. Yes, Leon.
We told you.
We only deal with the boss.
The boss.
Mr. Big.
The top banana man.
The headless honcho.
The guy...
He's got it.
Okay.
You'll see him
as soon as I see the money.
No dice.
We only show this money
to one guy.
Right, Balki?
Right, baby. One guy.
The Kingpin.
The Godfather.
The big cheese wiz.
The guy...
He's got it.
Okay, okay.
Don't move.
Cousin, it's working.
Of course, it's working.
We're dealing
with mental midgets.
These mental midgets
have gigantic bodies.
This is Fat Jack.
Okay.
Let's make a deal.
Okay by me.
This ain't no social call.
I said,
let's make a deal.
Hey, I heard you.
I'm pathological, not deaf.
Let's make a deal.
Fine by me, cousin.
I wanna get the heck
out of here.
Excuse us.
Turn on the tape recorder!
Turn on the tape recorder!
Oh. Oh, oh, yes.
So, uh, you're
the big player, huh?
Yes, he's the big player
You.
Yes?
Shut up!
Okay.
You, let's see the money.
The money?
You mean the $15,000
I'm giving you
for the counterfeit watches?
The watches that you sell
on the black carpet?
Ow!
Who are these clowns?
Hey, they said
they had the money.
Hey, open that up.
Oh, it's locked.
And, oh, darn,
I forgot the combination.
Yeah, well, maybe I can
remember it for you.
Oh...
Goodness gracious.
That's just paper.
You guys are dead meat.
Hold it right there.
I'm packin' a heater.
A heater?
A rod.
What?
A piece.
Hmm?
A gun.
Oh. A gun. Right.
All right, everybody,
up against the wall.
Move it!
You're bluffin'.
Don't tempt me.
I've got a scratchy
trigger finger.
* Baby love, my baby love
* I need your love
* Oh, how I need your love... *
Hey, what was that?
Uh, Ain't No Mountain
High Enough?
No. Sounded more like,
uh, Love Child.
What's wrong with you people?
That's Baby Love.
You guys ought to brush up
on your Motown.
Let's get them.
911.
911.
911.
911.
911.
Well, now you've done it.
You're going to have to answer
to the phone company.
You know something?
Hold it right there!
Police.
You're all under arrest.
Up against the wall.
It's the police.
Boy, are we glad to see you.
Larry Appleton,
Chicago Chronicle.
Cousin, it's the police.
And you said that they were
incompetent and inefficient.
And...
Uh, and that they
stink on ice.
You said that?
Well, I meant it
in the nicest possible way.
Up against a wall.
"In a predawn
undercover operation,
"Balki Bartokomous,
arrested three men
"and seized a large quantity
of counterfeit watches
"and other bogus jewelry."
Balki, they gave me a byline.
Yes, and they
put your name on it.
So, cousin,
all's well that ends.
Well.
Well what?
"All's well that ends well."
I just said that.
No.
I'm trying to pay you
a compliment.
You gonna be one heck
of a reporter
if you live long enough.
We make a good team,
don't we?
You can say that again.
Really?
I love Woodward
and Bernstein.
Which one am I?
Joanne Woodward
or Leonard Bernstein?
PLAYING)
* Sometimes the world
looks perfect
* Nothin' to rearrange
* Sometimes you just
* Get a feelin' like you need
* Some kind of change
* No matter what
the odds are this time
* Nothing's gonna stand
in my way
* This flame in my heart
like a long lost friend
* Gives every dark street
a light at the end
* Standing tall
* On the wings
of my dreams
* Rise and fall
* On the wings
of my dreams
* The rain and thunder
* The wind and haze
* I'm bound
for better days
* And my dream
* And nothing's gonna
stop me now *
Cousin, hold on to your pants!
And fasten your neck brace
because I'm gonna
show you something
that's gonna make your head spin
like Linda Blair.
Look.
New watch?
No, uh-uh...
More than a new watch.
It's a, it's a Rolex!
With, with solid quartz crystal
and genuine Swiss movements
and if you look at it
in a certain light,
you can see
up your nose.
Balki, Rolexes
are very expensive.
Well, I guess I really stepped
in something good this time.
Yeah, let me look at it.
No, no.
Come, on, let me
see your new watch.
No, no. I don't think so.
Well, why not?
Well, why look at my watch,
when you can look
at your own watch!
Yes, Cousin Larry Appleton!
Your very own watch!
Tell us about it, Balki.
Well, Balki, it's a Rolex
with solid quartz crystal
and genuine Swiss movement,
automatic day and date display.
Promotional consideration
by Bartokomous of Mypos.
Back to you, cousin.
Well, this is a Rolex,
all right.
Well...
Oh.
The stem came off.
And the crystal.
And the back.
Is this a kit?
Where'd you buy this?
From Leon.
Leon
Leon. The human discount
department store.
All of the merchandise,
none of the parking problem.
And I bet he gave you
a good deal, right?
Well, you can say that again.
He let me have it for $38.95.
Balki...
Leon is a crook.
These watches are counterfeit.
You've been ripped off.
Wait a minute.
And that these watches
are counterfeit?
And that I've been ripped off?
Yes.
What's your point?
My point is,
first thing tomorrow morning
we are going down to
the police and tell them
about this Leon.
You didn't buy anymore watches
from him, did you?
Well, of course not.
Don't be ridiculous.
I just bought Mary Anne
this priceless pearl necklace.
Leon said it used to belong
to Elvis Presley.
LARRY: Going to the
police department
was a complete waste of time.
Let me guess.
You're upset.
We're more than upset.
We're...really upset.
What's wrong?
I'll tell you what's wrong.
Tell her, cousin.
A scam artist sold Balki
two phony watches
and a necklace
of no value whatsoever,
so we went to the police
and, quite frankly,
they were no help at all.
They said,
"Don't call us,
we'll call us."
The police department
is incompetent,
inefficient,
and stinks on ice.
I wasn't finished.
They're also
overworked, underpaid,
and unappreciated.
Don't kiss up, baby.
Can't your husband help us?
Well, he could,
but he's in Homicide.
Well, when he gets back,
can't he give us a call?
No, uh, you see, honey,
Homicide isn't a place.
It's, uh...
I'll give him the message.
Well, nothing to be done.
I guess Princess Di is cast.
No use crying over spilt curd.
It's just not right.
Hoodlums operating
out in the open,
taking advantage
of the little people.
I know.
Wait a minute.
What am I thinking of?
Is it a number
between one and ten?
Good guess, but no.
Twelve?
No.
Uh, is it bigger
than a head cheese?
All right, Balki.
Just let me tell you
what I'm thinking.
in the city,
and we're wondering what to do
about a measly scam artist?
That's what
you were thinking?
How is a person
supposed to guess that?
Balki, I'm a reporter.
We can expose Leon.
We can infiltrate
the whole operation.
We can put those guys
out of business.
Let me get this straight.
You and I,
two complete amateurs,
are going to go down
and fool people
who make their living
fooling people?
Right.
I don't think so.
Come on, Balki.
We have certain advantages.
We have the element of surprise.
I know what I'm doing.
I've already figured out a plan.
You introduce me to Leon
as a big time player
a mover and a shaker.
but we only want to deal
with the boss.
Bruce Springsteen
is involved in this?
Not "The Boss." Leon's boss.
His supplier. We'll set up
a meeting in a couple of days.
That'll give us time
to get the newspaper involved.
They'll give us marked money.
We'll make the buy and blow
their operation wide open.
It'll be just like
Miami Vice.
You and me, undercover.
Can I be Don Johnson?
Sure.
You got it.
Balki?
Aren't you taking
this Miami Vice thing
a little too far?
Now, wait just a minute.
Isn't that a bit like
Pa Kettle calling
Ma Kettle black?
Balki, this is my disguise.
I'm pretending
to be a tough guy.
Well, if Leon buys that,
he'd buy some
of his own watches.
Watch this.
Que pasa, bro?
What's happening?
Where's the action?
First day undercover?
All right,
I'll lose the accent.
You call that an accent?
BALKI: Look, cousin, there
he is. There's Leon.
Let's go.
Excuse me, Mr. Leon.
Uh, we, we want to talk...
Hey, hey, hey.
No refunds, man. No way.
Oh, no. I don't want a refund.
You don't?
No, I want to introduce you
to my friend, Cousin Larry.
He's a big-time player.
He's a mover and a shaker.
And, uh... and, um...
Wait, wait, wait.
Balki.
I want to buy
a lot of watches.
I can move them
on the west side.
We're talking big bucks here.
How big?
Uh...
Three, four Gs.
Three, four Gs?
That's chump change!
Three, four Gs. Ha!
Try five Gs.
Balki.
Try ten Gs.
Balki.
Try 15 Gs.
Balki.
Question, what's a G?
It's a thousand dollars.
Gee.
You sure you guys
can get this kind of money?
We're sure.
There's one condition.
We only deal with the top man.
You can?
Uh...
Friday night
good for everybody?
Tonight!
Midnight.
Right here.
Midnight? That only gives us
an hour and a half.
Oh, out of the question.
How about Thursday morning
over pancakes?
How about midnight?
My thought exactly. Cousin?
Good. I'm gonna
go set it up.
Don't you guys try
and pull anything funny,
or we'll hurt you.
And you'll never get well.
I'm ready to go, cousin.
Is this okay?
Fine.
Balki,
in your coat pocket.
The recorder will be hidden
in your pocket.
When I say,
"Let's make a deal,"
you turn it on.
When I say,
"Let's make a deal."
Can you remember that?
Well, of course I can.
Don't be ridiculous.
Here's the tape.
"Motown's Biggest Pop Hits"?
Are you sure you want to record
over The Supremes?
Yes, I do.
Now, Balki, we're supposed
to meet these guys
in half an hour.
The money's ready.
Let's get going.
Okay, cousin, um,
before we go...
I think I ought to point out
one small but
significant flaw
in your otherwise
brilliant plan.
Um...
Somebody...
I'm not naming names.
...forgot to put
The President's face on this.
Blank green paper.
on the top
of each stack of paper.
So that it looks like
there's $15,000
in the briefcase.
Of course, they'll want
to see the money.
But I will only
let them look, not touch.
I will open the briefcase,
like so...
Then I'll quickly
close the briefcase, like so.
They will have seen the money,
Therefore, they will believe
that there is $15,000
in fact in the briefcase.
Now can we go?
Question.
What?
After you open the briefcase
aren't they going
to grab the money?
Oh, I see.
You think
they can grab the money
before I can close
the briefcase.
That is correct.
Try it. Hmm?
Try it.
You wanna grab
the money
Okay, smart guy,
you got a better idea?
Well, of course I do.
Don't be ridiculous.
Oh
I do.
You do?
I do.
But I'm sure there is one.
would have thought
of it long ago.
Now, can we leave?
We have hoodlums waiting.
Wow, I've never been
here this late.
I can't believe
how quiet it is.
Yeah.
Too quiet.
Hello!
Will you stop it?
Well, I'm sorry.
Look, just stay cool.
When Leon gets here,
all we have to do
is make the deal.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
I'm turning on
the tape recorder.
You gave me the signal.
No. Not yet.
The signal is,
"Let's make a deal."
Let's.
Oh. Okay, okay, I got it.
Now, just stay calm.
Yo!
Oh.
Leon.
Okay, boys,
let's make a deal.
No! Not yet!
What?
No. Yes. Yes, Leon.
We told you.
We only deal with the boss.
The boss.
Mr. Big.
The top banana man.
The headless honcho.
The guy...
He's got it.
Okay.
You'll see him
as soon as I see the money.
No dice.
We only show this money
to one guy.
Right, Balki?
Right, baby. One guy.
The Kingpin.
The Godfather.
The big cheese wiz.
The guy...
He's got it.
Okay, okay.
Don't move.
Cousin, it's working.
Of course, it's working.
We're dealing
with mental midgets.
These mental midgets
have gigantic bodies.
This is Fat Jack.
Okay.
Let's make a deal.
Okay by me.
This ain't no social call.
I said,
let's make a deal.
Hey, I heard you.
I'm pathological, not deaf.
Let's make a deal.
Fine by me, cousin.
I wanna get the heck
out of here.
Excuse us.
Turn on the tape recorder!
Turn on the tape recorder!
Oh. Oh, oh, yes.
So, uh, you're
the big player, huh?
Yes, he's the big player
You.
Yes?
Shut up!
Okay.
You, let's see the money.
The money?
You mean the $15,000
I'm giving you
for the counterfeit watches?
The watches that you sell
on the black carpet?
Ow!
Who are these clowns?
Hey, they said
they had the money.
Hey, open that up.
Oh, it's locked.
And, oh, darn,
I forgot the combination.
Yeah, well, maybe I can
remember it for you.
Oh...
Goodness gracious.
That's just paper.
You guys are dead meat.
Hold it right there.
I'm packin' a heater.
A heater?
A rod.
What?
A piece.
Hmm?
A gun.
Oh. A gun. Right.
All right, everybody,
up against the wall.
Move it!
You're bluffin'.
Don't tempt me.
I've got a scratchy
trigger finger.
* Baby love, my baby love
* I need your love
* Oh, how I need your love... *
Hey, what was that?
Uh, Ain't No Mountain
High Enough?
No. Sounded more like,
uh, Love Child.
What's wrong with you people?
That's Baby Love.
You guys ought to brush up
on your Motown.
Let's get them.
911.
911.
911.
911.
911.
Well, now you've done it.
You're going to have to answer
to the phone company.
You know something?
Hold it right there!
Police.
You're all under arrest.
Up against the wall.
It's the police.
Boy, are we glad to see you.
Larry Appleton,
Chicago Chronicle.
Cousin, it's the police.
And you said that they were
incompetent and inefficient.
And...
Uh, and that they
stink on ice.
You said that?
Well, I meant it
in the nicest possible way.
Up against a wall.
"In a predawn
undercover operation,
"Balki Bartokomous,
arrested three men
"and seized a large quantity
of counterfeit watches
"and other bogus jewelry."
Balki, they gave me a byline.
Yes, and they
put your name on it.
So, cousin,
all's well that ends.
Well.
Well what?
"All's well that ends well."
I just said that.
No.
I'm trying to pay you
a compliment.
You gonna be one heck
of a reporter
if you live long enough.
We make a good team,
don't we?
You can say that again.
Really?
I love Woodward
and Bernstein.
Which one am I?
Joanne Woodward
or Leonard Bernstein?