Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 3, Episode 8 - Night School Confidential - full transcript

* Sometimes
the world looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Sometimes
you just get a feeling

* Like you need
some kind of change

* Nothing's gonna
stand in my way

* This flame in my heart
like a long lost friend

* Gives every dark street
a light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dreams

* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dreams



* The rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* And nothing's gonna
stop me now *

My first happy hour.

You know what
I don't understand?

I don't understand
how a restaurant

can make money
by giving away food.

Oh, the food
is just an inducement.

And it looks so real.

The food is real.

will spend a lot
of money on drinks.

Oh. Oh!

So, people like you,
who only drink ice water
make out like bandits.



Shh. Shh. Shh.

Oh.
Yes, yes.

Mary Anne, are you coming?

Well, I guess
I could
come back later.

Hey, baby.

My name is Chuck.
You wanna go home
with a love machine?

I hate to pull the plug
on you, Chuck

but the lady is already
going home with someone.

Wait a minute.
A happy hour game.

Love machine,
pull the plug.

I get it, I see it,
and I love it.

I'd love stay and chat,
but we're going to
sitting down now.

Stay and chat?
Sit down now?

It's a little weak.

I think you can
do better, cousin.

Your turn, Chuck.

Why would you wanna
go home with him anyway?

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

It's shrimp night.

He's got you
two to one, cousin.

Say, Chuck, do you have
a blueprint for your brain?

I'm building an idiot.
Oh, yeah?

Cousin, you didn't
tell me you were
building an idiot.

It was going
to be a surprise.

I don't like your jokes,
little man.

Humor is very subjective.

What are you doing?
What are you doing?

Put, put Cousin Larry down.

Now, you know that
isn't what I meant.

BALKI: Ooh! Oh!

I was humiliated
in front of Jennifer.

Well...

Maybe, you were not
the only one
who was humiliated.

Perhaps you
have forgotten,

I don't understand
how one mean person

can ruin everyone's
happy hours.

I do.

All my life, bullies
have pushed me around

I'm like a bully magnet.

You think when
you grow up
things would change,

but they don't.

It's always the same.

The big guy takes
advantage of the...

Little, tiny...
...more average-sized guys.

And you know
what really makes
my blood boil?

Mexican food.

You know, what
really makes me angry

can do about
guys like Chuck.

Now, you know,
I'm not so sure
I agree with you.

What about
David and Goliath?

What about the
Captain and Tennille?

What are you talking about?

Cousin, I've been
thinking about this

all on the way home
and I've got an idea.

Now.

A crazy man
standing on one foot.

No. I'm the Karate Kid.

And I'm Ferris Bueller.

What are you talking about?

Cousin, we learn karate.

Oh, Balki, it takes
years to learn karate.

Well, cousin, I've got
a bulletin for you.

I saw that movie.

I went back for popcorn
and when I got back

that kid was
kicking everything
he could get his feet on.

I don't know.
Larry Appleton,
fists of fury.

It just doesn't
sound right.

This is America.

Don't forget.
Where the little, tiny...

More average-sized guys

can, can do whatever
they set their minds to.

Think of it, cousin.

Not afraid
of the Chucks
of this world.

Never again
we be humiliated.

Naaaa.

That's impossible.

What did you say?

I said,
"That's impossible."

* To dream

* The impossible dream

I don't know, Balki.

* To fight

* The unbeatable foe

Chuck's an awfully big guy.

* To bear

* With unbearable sorrow

But we've got
to do something.

* To run

* Where the brave
dare not go

You're right, Balki.

* This is my quest

Bring it on home, cousin.

* Follow my star

We'll never be
afraid again.

* No matter how hopeless

We'll take karate.

* No matter how far

* To dream

* The impossible

* Dream *

Welcome to my dojo.

I am Sensei Pete Nakima,
your instructor.

I'm Larry Appleton,
and this is...

This is my cousin,
Balki Bartokomous.

Why did you come
to my karate class?

Wait, are you familiar
with the concept
of happy hour?

I'm with
the Chicago Chronicle

and I'm doing a piece
on self-defense

and the urban male ego
for our Sunday
magazine section.

I want to explore
how civilized man

deals with his
own primitive instincts.

You got beat up, huh?

Yes.

I can help you with that.

Koi, come.

Time to start class.

Please sit around
the edge of the mats.

Konnichiwa.
Good afternoon, everyone.

I'd like to introduce you
to our new students.

Oh, God.

Hui.

Goldstein will
help me demonstrate

what you will be
learning today.

I need a volunteer.

What about one of
the new students?

Up!

Koi.

Bartokomous-san,
I want you to attack

Goldstein-san from the back.

Why?

I'm not even mad at him.

Attack him.

Ha-ha-ha!
Bartokomous-san!

Now, attack him
from the front.

I don't think so.

Is he gonna
do that again?

No. He'll do something

different.

Balki, Balki,
are you all right?

Well, I, I think so.

Balki, this karate stuff
is great!

It is?

Before you know it
we're gonna be

two of the toughest guys
in Chicago.

Good. 'Cause
here comes Goldstein.

Balki?

Kyai.

Balki?

Ha.
Aah.

Ho!
Hah!

Ah, ow!
Ha!

Whoa!

Ooh.

I'll get that.

Hello?

Oh, that's...

Hmm?
Oh, the noise.

Well, we were just
moving the furniture.

No, no.
Thank you.

Pretty good workout, huh?

You know, Balki,
these sneak attacks

have really
sharpened my reflexes.

My senses have been
honed to a razor's edge.

Yeah, you could cut
your toenails
on my senses, too.

Cousin, now that we are

lean cuisine,
fighting machines.

I hope we don't have
to use karate on anyone

because as
the sensei said,

"The most powerful weapon
is the voice of love."

Right.
Tell me about it.

It's not like
I'm looking for trouble.

Hey, you!

Get away from my car!

Now, get out of here!

Cousin, I

think that lady
was just waiting
for the bus.

You know, Balki,
I was surprised

to hear you wanted
to came back here

I didn't want
to come back here.

Oh, I'm not wild
about this place.

The lighting makes
my skin look sallow.

Balki, Larry told us
you wanted to come here.

I can see clearly now
the lane is gone.

Nobody wants to be here.

How come we're here?

I wanted to come here, okay?

So relax.

Cousin, your motives
are less than pure.

You came here to
pick a fight with Chuck.

Now, we're leaving.

Now, we've been avoiding
this place for weeks.

I came here
as a matter
of principle.

We should have
the freedom to eat

where we want
without having to

worry about
bar slime like Chuck.

Larry, you better
lower your voice

because the bar slime
just slid in.

Oh, well you
look at that.
I'm out of water.

I better go to the bar
and get a refill.

Cousin, cousin, cousin.

Have you forgotten
what our sensei told us?

"A victory
born of revenge

will satisfy only
the shallowest of souls."

I've got
no problem with that.

It's not like
I'm looking for trouble.

Cousin, cousin.

If you're not
looking for trouble,
then sit down at the table.

Balki, I'm out of water
and I'm darn thirsty.

Come on, do you...
Look, I promise

I'll go out of my way
to avoid a fight.

Is that what you wanna hear?

Yes, it is.

Fine.

I'll be right back.

Watch it, buddy.

Sorry.

I just bet you are.

You don't remember me,
do you?

Should I?

A few weeks ago,
you hit on the woman
I was in here with.

When I said something
about it, you dragged me
down this bar

then you beat up
my cousin.

Now do you remember me?

You beat me up.

That may not have
meant anything to you,

Look, I don't
apologize to nobody.

Jerk, I think you and I
had better step outside.

Why don't you get
outta here before
you get hurt?

What's the matter?
You chicken, Chuck?

Hey, everybody.
Chuck here is chicken.

Nobody calls me chicken.

Oh, is that right,
my fine
feathered friend?

Now, Chuck, Chuck.

You know, where I
come from
that's a compliment.

The chicken is a symbol
of bravery and honor.

And as a matter of fact
the chicken happens to be

the Myposian
national bird.

And that's the kind
of thing that I felt
would be of interest

to a man of your
integrity and obvious
physical strength.

I must warn you,
I know karate.

I must warn you,
I don't care.

Wait. Wait.

Everything is under control.
Go back to your libations.

Show's over.

Please, do you mind?
I'm having a moment.

What are you doing?

Stop it, guys.
Don't do it.

Balki.
Leave Cousin Larry alone.

Larry, are you sure
you're all right?

I'm fine, fine.

In karate, we learn
how to take a fall.

And you do it
very well.

Well, I'm just glad
everyone's all right.

Come on, Mary Anne.

Bye, Balki.
Bye-bye.

Cousin, don't feel bad.

You almost had him.

Balki, it's not just
that I got beaten up.

Again.

And it's not
that I was humiliated.

Again.

Again.
Are you helping?

Is this
some kind of help?

Don't you see
what's happened?

I've gone from peaceful
little Larry Appleton

to a guy who
picks fights in bars.

At least when I was
getting beaten up
I was a nice person.

I was a nice person,
wasn't I?

Oh, I'm just kidding.
Of course,
you are a nice person.

You still a nice person.
That's why you are upset.

Now, sit down, listen.

You learned a very
important lesson tonight.

Oh, you're
darn right I did.

No, no, no.

No?
What did I just say?

No.
That's right.

Now, cousin there's
nothing wrong with
taking karate.

It's fun.
It's good exercise.

We get to wear
snazzy outfits
and go barefoot.

But, you're doing
what you always do.

You take a good thing
and you pound it
into the ground.

and learn self-defense
and be a nice person?

I do enjoy the classes.

And our sensei said
you were a karate natural.

He said I was a natural?

He probably said that
because I move so well.

You know,
I think he said it

because your legs
are so short.

Just kind of...
Come on. Get up.

Come on, try again.
Oh, no, cousin.

Try and hit me.
Cousin, cousin.

Come on, give it
your best shot.

Cousin, we've had
enough hitting for one...

Come on, come on,
I won't hurt you.

Uh!

Cousin, are you,
are you all right?

Fine.

I'm fine.

Balki.

I'm going to
pass out now.