Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 3, Episode 7 - Karate Kids - full transcript

After Larry and Balki get beaten up by a bully, they decide to learn karate for self-defense.

* Sometimes
the world looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Sometimes you just
get a feeling

* Like you need
some kind of change

* Nothing's gonna
stand in my way

* This flame in my heart
like a long lost friend

* Gives every dark street
a light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dreams

* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dreams



* Through the rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life

* My dream

* Nothing's gonna
stop me now *

* Give me a ticket
on an airplane

* Ain't got time
to catch a fast train

* Lonely days are gone

* I'm a-going home

* My baby just
wrote me a letter *

I can't believe a
prestigious paper like
the Chicago Chronicle

would run the predictions
of some two-bit stargazer.

Claire Hayden happens
to be the world's
the greatest psychic.



You got that right.
I read her predictions
every day.

I have
an inquiring mind,
you know.

Well, stick around,
Balki.

Get back,
funky cat.

Oh, it's true.
She's with
Mr. Burns right now.

When they're finished
I have to drive her
to the airport.

Cousin, you are
one lucky dude.

You get to spend
rush hour with
a famous prophet.

Balki, she's as much
of a prophet as I am.

Get out of the city.

You can tell the future?

Balki, I can't
tell the future,
and neither can she.

She just flies in
once a year

makes some guesses
about the future

Well, if they're
just guesses
they're pretty good.

She predicted
Sean Penn would do time.

Well, anybody
could have
predicted that.

I can't wait to see
the newspaper tomorrow.

"This year
Claire Hayden predicts

the Earth will revolve
around the sun."

No, we'll be
burned to a crisp!

He's your cousin.

Balki, the Earth
revolves around
the sun every year.

Oh, that's right.
I always get mixed up
on that point.

On Mypos they only
teach science up through
the Bronze Age.

Get a move on, Appleton,
Ms. Hayden will
miss her plane.

Yes, I'm going to
get the car now, sir.

And another thing, Appleton.

Uh, will you
excuse us, Claire?

I'll make this up
to you, Appleton.

I couldn't be with
that woman
another minute.

I'll get her out
of your hair, sir.

Claire, if you only
knew how much
I wanted to drive you

to the airport,
but I've got to
put this edition to bed.

It was nice seeing
you again, Harry.

See you next year, Claire.

Just a moment.

Yes, you will.

Miss Hayden?

You'd like my autograph.

Wow!

You are good.

No. No, that
wasn't a prediction.

A lot of people
ask for my autograph.

I'll need a pen.

Oh, you spell my name
B-A-L-K-I...

Miss Hayden?

I see a terrible storm.

I see a man.

He's eating a golden ring
and sitting on a sheep.

Would you like
a glass of water?

A chair?

An exorcist
of some kind?

The clock strikes midnight.

There's a knock
at the door.
Who is it?

I don't know.

It's death.

That's B

There you are.

But, those
things you said?

Sometimes when I
pick up something

I get these premonitions
about the owners
of the objects.

Is this your pen?

No.

Well, I hope
I predicted good things.

It was nice meeting you.
I have to go now,
my car's ready.

Ms. Hayden, your car is...
Yes, I know.

Oh, there's my lucky pen.

No, I... I'm...
No, thank you.

I-I don't want
a supersaver.

No, I...
No, thank you.

Read my lips.

where it doesn't rain
and there are no sheep.

Hello?

Hel...

Oh.

What a nightmare.

I'm stuck in the car
with one of the witches
of Eastwick.

Oh, by the way,

Where am I going?

Cousin, great news!
We won a free vacation!

The only thing is,
in order to
collect the prize

we got to get out
the door by midnight.

Wait, little buddy.

What free vacation?

What free vacation?

Cousin, we got to
hit the road, Zack.

* On the road again

* And that's just
what they'll... *

Balki!

I'm not going anywhere
until you tell me
what's going on.

Well, cousin,
I've said everything
there is to say.

Sit down.

It's been a long time.

So, how the heck are you?

Balki, I want the truth.

Are you in some kind
of trouble?

If you are,
I'll help you.

I don't know
how to tell you.

Just say it.

Well, it's bad news.

Well, well,
you just say it.

Well, it's very
bad news.

Balki, how bad
can it be?

Whatever it is
we'll deal
with it together.

Just say it.
Just come right out
and say it.

I found out
you're going to die.

My, gosh,
that's how you
tell somebody?

You just blurt it out?

Oh, my God. Oh!

Cousin, you told me
to tell you.

Well, you could have
used a little tact.

Let me tell you,
finding out,
you're gonna die.

It's,it's,
it's a bit
of a shock.

I'm, I'm so young.

I've never had an
apartment by myself.

How did you find out?

No.

Then who?

I don't want
to tell you.

What do you mean?
You don't want
to tell me?

You told me
I was going to die.
This is the easy part.

If I tell you,

will you promise
not to laugh at me
and not to talk down to me?

Of course, I promise.
Why would I laugh?

I'm dying.

Cousin,

Ms. Claire Hayden
picked up your lucky pen

and she went
into a trance

and she said,
and I quote,

"There will be
a terrible storm

"and at the stroke
of midnight

"you will sit on a sheep
and eat a golden ring

"and then, Mr. Death...

"Mr. Death will
come and
take you away

"forever."

Let it out, cousin.

You

promised not to laugh.

I'm sorry.
I know, I know.

I know you believe
in this stuff.

But, really,
Mr. Death?

Does he look like,
Jack Nicholson?

You promised not to laugh
and not to talk down to me

and now, you're doing both.

Balki, think about it.

She said there would be
a terrible storm, right?

Well, look,
there is not
a cloud in the sky

and the weather report
says nothing but sunshine
for the next week.

This lady's predictions
are absurd.

There. You see?
A storm.

Now, do you believe
the predictions?

Balki, a little lightning
a little thunder,
a little rain.

It means nothing.

Boy, that really
came out of nowhere,
didn't it?

Cousin,

now, do you believe
Mr. Death is
coming to get you?

But if he's coming

I'd better change.

Oh, what do you think?

Oh! I wonder
if he's bringing
Mrs. Death.

Cousin,
I wouldn't joke
if I were you.

Mr. Death don't
have such a great
sense of humor.

Balki, you're right.

We wouldn't want
the angel of death

He's early.

Early?

I like that in
a Grim Reaper.

No, cousin!
No, no, no, no!

We just got Balki's
message on our
answering machine.

Larry, I can't believe it.

I didn't even know
you were sick.

There so much
we should've
talked about.

There so much
we should've done.

Well, we still have
a little time.

Uh, oh, well, uh...

No, look, I'm
not sick at all

and I'm definitely
not dying.

Then what is this about?

Jennifer, Mary Ann,

would you please try to
talk some sense into him?

At the stroke of midnight
Mr. Death is going to come

for Cousin Larry right
after he sits on a sheep
and eats a golden ring.

What is this really
all about?

Balki met Claire Hayden
at the paper.

And she made
these crazy predictions
about me.

Oh, is that all it is?

"Is that all it is?"

Mr. Death is coming
for Cousin Larry
and that's what you say?

"Is that all it is?
Is that all it is?"

Oh, God.
Now, I have a headache.

What does it take
to impress you people?

I'm impressed.

Finally, a rational person.

Look, there's
an easy way to prove

that all of this
is just nonsense.

I'll call Pioli's.
We'll order pizza.

Then we'll wait
till midnight.

If Mr. Death shows up,
I'll admit I'm wrong.

How much longer?

Five minutes 'til midnight.

All right, what's
the name of the game?

Gin.

I'm unbeatable.
I should be doomed
every night.

What is that?

Myposian death repellent.

A little dab will do you.

It smells terrible!

But cousin,
that's how
we think it works.

It makes you smell so bad

that Mr. Death
don't want to
get near you.

It's working on me.

Death repellent?

buy into
such hocus-pocus.

Cousin, we're running
out of time.

If we don't do
something soon,

Hey, here I am,
Mr. Death!

Come and get me!

Oh, Balki, will you
get away from me
with that stuff?

I think I can get
through the next...

Four minutes.

Maybe Larry's right.

Now, why don't we
have some coffee
and something to eat

and try to relax.

Aah!

Sorry, Larry.

Yes, why don't we
just try to remain calm.

All right, now, it's just...

Three minutes.
Three minutes 'til midnight.

Let's just sit down
and not get crazy.

I mean, come on people.

You look like
you're going to
somebody's funeral.

Oops!

I said the f-word.

Ohh!

Ooh.
What's this?

You sat on a sheep!

Mr. Death is probably
on the stairs by now.

It's a, it's not a sheep,
it's a toy.

This doesn't count, does it?
I don't know.

Balki, did she say
it had to be a real sheep?

Why did you have to
sit on Dimitri?

All right, Balki, Balki!

Oh. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
All right.

So I sat on a sheep.

One of Claire Hayden's
predictions came true.

All right, two.

Aah!

You ate the golden ring.

I'm all right.
Cousin, are you all right?

Are you okay
Yes. I'm fine.

You're okay.

Why did you eat
the golden ring?

Now, three of
the predictions
have come true.

Ten seconds till midnight.

It's not a golden ring.
It's a doughnut.

What kind of doughnut?
Five seconds.

A golden doughnut!

Four, three...
Oh, no.

Oh, no. No, no, no.
Two, one.

Wait!

It's after midnight.

Are

No.

Oh, yay!

Oh, oh, good!

Boy, nothing like
a little terror

to get your
heart started.

I'm really glad
you're all right, Larry.

Well...

I'll see you tomorrow.

Good night, Balki.
I had a wonderful evening.

Except for
the screaming part.

I'm glad you're alive.

Thank you.

Bye-bye.
Bye.

Boy...

I just can't believe
you're not dead.

You know, Balki,
it's coincidences
like those

that happened
here tonight

that cause primitive
cultures to believe
superstitions.

Well, what do you say
we get some sleep? Hmm.

We gotta get up
early tomorrow.

And, uh, it's almost
midnight. Hmm.

Did you say almost midnight?

Mary Ann's watch
must have been fast.

Let's call the time lady.

He's here.

Wait, wait, wait.
Why didn't
I think of this before?

We just won't
answer the door.

All right.

All right, I, I know
what I must do.

I'll go to the door myself.

Mr. Death will take me.

I'll tell him
I'm Larry Appleton.

No! No. No.
Cou...

There's no
Larry Appleton here!

You've got the wrong address!

Mr. Death..

Mister...

Mr. Death.

Mr. Death.
Mr. Death.

Oh, Mr. Death.
No, no.

Mr. Death.

BOTH: Hi.

I forgot my purse.

Are you sure
you guys are all right?

Really good.

Bye.

It, uh...

It wasn't Mr. Death.

No, no, no.

It was, uh, Jennifer.

Yes, yes, yes, it was.

Mr. Death would
have been

less humiliating.

Far, far less humiliating.
Less humiliating.

You were really serious
about taking my place.

Oh, well,
it was only Jennifer.
It didn't matter.

But you, you didn't
know that.

You thought
it was Mr. Death.

You would have really
taken my place

even though I
made fun of you.

Yes, you did do that.

Even though I talked
down to you.

Well, you always do that.

Even though I laughed
in your face.

Now, that hurt.

I guess I don't say
this often enough
but, uh,

I'm glad you're my cousin.

Well,

Well, I don't think
I'm gonna be
able to sleep tonight.

Me neither.

("THE TWILIGHT ZONE"
THEME PLAYS)

Well, that's
enough for me.