Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 3, Episode 6 - The Horn Blows at Midnight - full transcript

When a psychic has a premonition while holding Larry's lucky pen, Balki worries that "Mr. Death" is coming to take his cousin.

* Sometimes
the world looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Sometimes you just
get a feeling

* Like you need
some kinda change

* No matter what the odds
are this time

* Nothing's gonna
stand in my way

* This flame in my heart
like a long lost friend

* Gives every dark street
a light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dream

* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dream

* The rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life and my dream

* And nothing's gonna
stop me now *

Cousin, how's
that article coming?

Well, it's coming along
fine, considering
the J, the K

and the period
don't work.

You want me to take
anything upstairs?

Yeah, give me
a minute.
I'm almost finished.

Did you want
an envelope for that?

You'd think a newspaper
could give its reporters

typewriters that work.

I'll be right back.

Baa-baa, baa-baa.


* Ba-ba-ba ba-Barbara Ann

* Ba-ba-ba
ba-Barbara Ann

* Ba-ba *

Don't do that, baby.

Larry's not here.
Come on, come on.

What you doing here?

If Cousin Larry
sees you again,

Uh, now, excuse me, baby.
I'm not one to pry.

Wait a minute.
Back that up.
I am one to pry.

Why all the sneaking
around the past three days?

Balki, Mary Anne, and I

Not just a typewriter.

No, no.
A Wellington
4000 with

"feather-touch control."

Balki, I've
been everywhere.

Oh, bummer!

Have you tried
Anderson's Office Supply?


It's out
the front door,

Knock twice,
and ask for Malcolm.

And whatever you do,

don't stare
at his tattoo.

Terrific, I'm going
down an alley

to talk to a man
with a tattoo.



Look who came
to visit us!

Again? That's
three days in a row.

Are you, uh,

placing another ad
in the classifieds?

Yes, she just came to visit

us right after
she place her ad
in the classifieds,

in the Chronicle,
in Chicago!


My toaster.
Her oven. Her toaster oven.

Are we still on for tonight?
JENNIFER: Tonight?


Oh, dinner.
Sure. Right.

Well, I gotta run.

You know, Balki,

I can see
right through her.

Did you send away
for those
special glasses?

No, I'm talking about
that classified ad nonsense.

The first day
she said she was selling
her sewing machine.

I checked the ads.

The next day,
she was supposedly
selling her Waterpik.

No way, she loves
that Waterpik.

And today,
her toaster oven?

Balki, I think
I know what's going on.

You do?

Obviously, Jennifer's
got a bad case of

the Larries.

Well, of course
she does.
Don't be ridiculous.

No. No.
They're nothing
like the willies.


I think she's
falling for me.


Tonight I'm taking
Jennifer out to dinner

and I'm going
to pull out all the stops.

Oh, cousin!


You're taking waiters
and you're not taking me?

I'll take you next time.
Oh, I see.

You're too kind.

I'll get it!

Where's Larry?

Did you get
the Wellington 4000
with feather touch control?

Now, listen. Anderson's
is still too expensive.

But they me their supplier's
having a clearance sale

and maybe I can bargain
with him.

Oh! I love bargaining!

I got this vest
by bargaining.

I hate it.
Well, let's not
mince words.

Oh, no. Not the vest!
I hate bargaining.

Balki, you have to
come with me.

No, no, no. Tonight.
It's the last night
of the sale.

Well, what about
your date
with Cousin Larry?

Don't worry about it.
I'll just make it up
to him another time.

Just meet me downstairs
in five minutes.


Oh, Jennifer.

You're, you're
here already.

Uh, Larry, I'm terribly sorry
but I can't go out
with you tonight.

Something came up.


Oh. Oh.


What what?

What, what,
what came up?


Well, uh,
you see, I...

I got a chance to
work the Concorde
flight to Paris.

It's a once-in-a-lifetime

Oh! I didn't know
the Concordes
flew out of Chicago.

That's why it's
once in a lifetime.


Well, I'll see you
when I get back then.

Okay. Bye.

Pretty lucky break
for Jennifer, huh?

The Concorde? Please.

If she's going to
lie to me, I deserve
better than that.

Oh, cousin...

What makes you think
she's lying to you?
She's your friend.

Friends don't lie
to friends.

Thanks. I know
you're trying to
cheer me up.


Times like these.

It's important to
have a friend
like you to talk to.

Oh, cousin.
Thank you.

I'm glad I could
be here for you.

Where are you going?

that you spend time
by yourself, so...

I think I'm just
gonna go to a movie.

I'll go with you.

You know,
on second thought,

I really don't
feel like a movie.

But, why don't you
just go ahead?

Eh, who am I kidding?

A movie's not
gonna help.

I'd rather stay
here with you
and talk it out.

That always
makes me feel better.

Okay, fine.

I spend all evening
trying to cheer you up.

I... I give you
one pep talk
after another.

I invite you to
go to a movie,

but you insist
I go with you.

I... I give,
give, give,

until I'm blue
in the head.

But you want more.

Well, let me tell you
something, buster.
I have no more to give.

The cupboard is bare.

So, if you want to
sit by yourself
and feel sorry,

go ahead, but don't
make me look at it.

Now, if you'll excuse me
I need some fresh air.

Balki, I still can't
believe we got
such a great deal!

Where did you learn
to bargain like that?

Well, on Mypos
only a fool buys retail.

Well, you were incredible.
BALKI: Oh...

Yes, you were!

Yes, you were!

Shh! Larry's going to
hear us.

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Well, just remember,
if Larry finds out,

it will ruin everything.

Get some sleep.

BALKI: You've earned it.


I'm exhausted.

Well, you were!

I learned a few things
from you tonight.

You know, it's like
I always say,

the more you do it,
the better you get at it.

Well, you're the best.

Good night.

Hi, Larry. Come on in.

Nice robe.

Is Balki here?

Larry, Balki's
your roommate.
I live with Jennifer.

Is Jennifer here?

Mary Anne, I think
you had better sit down.

I have some

rather shocking
news to tell you.

Have they discontinued
this pattern?

Mary Anne.
Listen very carefully.

Jennifer and Balki

are having an affair.

What do you mean?

An affair. A tryst.

A liaison.


Balki and Jennifer
are having a

cheap, sordid,
sex thing.

Balki and Jennifer?

I can't believe it.

Balki's the sweetest
guy I ever met.

And Jennifer and I
have been best friends
since we were eight.

Love hurts.

Doesn't it, Mary Anne?

It sure does.

But, Larry?

Why are you so upset?

He's still asleep.

Good morning, cousin.

Good morning, cousin.

Well, you're just
as smooth as you
can be, aren't you?

Well, I... I do use
a moisturizer.

Enough about me.

You look hungry.
You know what?

Why don't we go
out for breakfast?

Let's get you
some breakfast.
And I'll buy.

I'm not hungry.

Well, then.
Why don't we stroll?

We'll just walk
down State Street

that great street
and build up an appetite.


Cousin, don't put
your coat in this closet.

Because the other day,
I saw a roach in there

the size of
a Winnebago.

Oh, boy,
was it a big roach!

And... Ooh!
Oh, there it goes!
You're going to get it.

Okay, Balki...

When you're ready
to be honest with me,

let me know.

Until then,

Now wait
a minute, cousin!

Wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.

Don't go to your room.

Let's just...
Let's just be honest.

and let's just
be straightforward

and honest, and...

And just let
our hair down.

You go first.

Okay, Balki,
let's stop the charade.

I know what's going on.
You do?

Yes, I do. I know
all about
you and Jennifer.


You... You take
my breath away!

If you only knew
how hard we tried
to keep it from you.


So you admit it?

Cousin, I am so bummed
you had to find out.

Just tell me.

How long has
this been going on?

Well, we've been kicking
around the idea
a couple months.


We really didn't do
anything about it
until last week.

How could you
deceive me
all this time?

You're asking me?

It wasn't easy!

But, you know,
it got kind of fun

when we pictured
how surprised
you would be

when we sprung it on you.

When you
sprung it on?
But wha-wha...

What were you
going to do?
Send me a telegram?

No, we were going
to invite you
over to dinner.

And then right before
the dessert come out,

we were going to
yell, "Surprise!"


That's how you were
going to tell me?

That you and Jennifer
are lovers?

You steal my girl,

and then throw me a party
to tell me about it?

Have you no guilt?

No shame, no remorse?

Well, obviously not.

Larry Appleton!


How dare you talk
that way to Balki?

He's your best friend.

My best friend?

Oh, really?


An office supply
clearance sale.



Actually, we were buying
a present for you.

Oh, is that why
you were in
Balki's bedroom?

That's exactly why
I was in Balki's bedroom.

Oh, yeah.
What... And what
were you doing?


That's a Wellington 4000!

With feather-touch control.

Ooh, boy.


Mary Anne!
Don't you Mary Anne me.

How dare you try to steal
the man I like a lot
away from me?

Mary Anne,
I wasn't stealing
Balki away from you.

We were shopping
for a typewriter,

Oh, right!

Larry, they weren't
having a cheap,
sordid sex thing.

I know that now.

I think we'd better go.

Let's talk later,
Larry, okay?

What's going on?

Oh! Ho, ho!

Oh, what crazy things

people do

when they
each other!

And I mean,
when you think

of the stupid things

I did

Well, it... It just
makes you want to laugh
out loud, doesn't it?



Balki, I

don't know
what to say.

I am so sorry.

It's just that when...
When I thought
you and Jennifer were


I kind of

Kind of overreacted?

Kind of overreacted?

You had a meltdown.

Well, I thought
you stole my girl!

But, you didn't.

No, I didn't.

You were buying me
a Wellington 4000.

Why would you do that?

It's not my birthday,
it's not Christmas.

Why would you
buy this for me?

Why would
your best friend
buy you a present?

What am I? The first
best friend
you've ever had?

Oh, boy.

Am I the first
best friend
you ever had?

Oh, boy.

I am the first
best friend
you ever had.


But, I guess

after what I did,
that's all over, huh?

Cousin, so much
to teach you

so little time.

Of course
our friendship
isn't over.

And I forgive you.

Now, let's open
this baby up and see
what she can do.

No, Balki.
I don't deserve that.

Oh, cousin,
please take it.

No, I can't.

Please take it!
I can't.

Take it! Take it!
I can't, no.

Take the typewriter!

It's a gift from a friend.

BOTH: Okay.