Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 3, Episode 5 - Your Cheatin' Heart - full transcript

Balki and Jennifer are trying to get Larry a new typewriter and surprise him with it. So they sneak around. And when Larry discovers their sneaking around, he assumes the worst.

(NOTHING'S GONNA
STOP ME NOW PLAYING)

* Sometimes
the world looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Sometimes you just
get a feeling

* Like you need
some kind of change

* No matter what
the odds are this time

* Nothing's gonna stand
in my way

* This flame in my heart

* Like a long lost friend

* Gives every dark street
a light at the end

* Standing tall



* On the wings of my dreams

* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dreams

* Through the rain and thunder
the wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life

* My dream

* And nothing's gonna
stop me now *

What are you doing?

Well, cousin, don't worry
about it. They're free.

No, No, Balki.
Those are free.

These are... $3.95?

Oh, no.

We are not here to buy



disgusting little
cheese dogs.

You know, you're the kind of guy
supermarket owners love.

Thank you.

That was not a compliment.

You obviously don't know
the basic rules of shopping.

But, cousin, on Mypos, we don't
have rules for shopping.

Come to think of it,
we don't have rules for games.

This is America.
We have rules for everything.

It's what distinguishes
us from the...

Unruly.

Cousin, will you teach me?

Well, I suppose
I could give you

a few pointers
on comparison shopping.

Well, you're going
to have to because

Balki, comparison shopping
is when you compare

the price of one item
with another.

For instance, take this rice.
Don't take the rice.

Which package
would you choose?

Well, that one
looks nice.

Very nice
and expensive.

Rule one, don't fall for
the attractive package trick.

You have to
compare prices.

Check the weight.
Find the best value.

Well, where is the best value?
Ah.

That's where this
little baby comes in.

This is the calculator
my father gave me

the first time
I went shopping alone.

Sometime, I'll teach
you how to use it.

Now...

Divided by 16 ounces,
that would be...

Twelve cents.

Twelve cents an ounce.

All right.
Five pounds is $8.80 cents

that would be...

Eleven cents.

Eleven cents an ounce.

Now, the next size is...

That would be
eight cents an ounce.

Therefore, this
is the best value.

(GRUNTS)

Cousin, you know,
I can't help noticing

that the best value
weighed 25 pounds.

we can save
four cents an ounce.

But, cousin we have
only eaten rice

three times
in the last year.

And that means, we won't
have to buy rice again for...

Sixteen years.

Sixteen years.

Now, if you'll notice,
I've arranged the list

according to the four
major food groups.

Wait. Wait, cousin.
Cousin. Cousin. Cousin--

Look, I'm trying to
explain the rules to you.

Yes, yes, yes, but--
Do you mind?

Do you, do you?
Cousin, cousin--

Do you want to learn
about shopping or not?

Yes, I do but--
All right, Balki...

Just watch and learn.

This is my shopping cart.

Learn how to shop.

Why didn't you tell me
I took the wrong cart?

Because I was busy
watching and learning.

WOMAN ON SPEAKER:
Tuna fish, $1.19.

Macaroni, $1.29.

Did you say something?

That was the cash register.

Excuse me.

My cousin tell me that
this cash register is talking.

It is.

It's the latest thing
in grocery technology.

Pretty radical, huh?

WOMAN ON SPEAKER:
Your total is $69.25.

Thank you.
Have a nice day.

Cousin, machines that talk.

Cousin, isn't this fun?

Yes, tons.

I've got to get some antacid.

Ah!

How are you today?

Well, my day started out
kind of rough actually.

Cousin Larry wanted
to go shopping

but he didn't want
to take me with him.

So we had kind
of a big fight

and then we
got here and...

We've had our ups
and downs, but...

When you come to think of it,
we always have our ups and downs

if you know what I'm saying.

And then over there
he let me push the cart

And so, I'm happy,
you know.

I'm happy.
How are you today?

Fine.

(SIREN WAILING)

I didn't touch it.
I didn't touch it.

Hi, I'm Pete Zaveni,
the manager.

Please, please don't
call the police.

Balki, what's going on?

I told them, I was sorry,
but she keep throw papers at me.

It's all right, it's all right,
it's all right.

As a matter of fact,
you've been chosen

by our computerized
cash register

to win our
grand opening prize.

A prize?
We won a prize, cousin. A prize.

All right, good,
let's just get our oven mitt

or whatever we won
and get out of here.

Have we won an oven mitt?

No. You have won our
grand prize shopping spree.

Balki, did you hear that?

Well, of course, I did.
Don't be ridiculous.

You know what this means?

I have no idea.

(ALL CHEERING)

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Hi, cousin.

Where have you been? I have been
waiting for you for two hours.

Oh, cousin, I've been
telling all of our neighbors

about the free
shopping spree.

that I don't think I'm going to
be able to sleep a wink tonight.

I don't know how
I'm going to do it.

Maybe I'll just count sheep.

One...

Where do I come up
with them?

Balki, this is no time
to fool around.

Cousin, you know,
you're right?

This is a time
to be serious.

Tomorrow is the time
to fool around.

Dai, dai, dai.
Balki, Balki, get back here.

This shopping spree
is serious business.

Now... I have a plan.

Cousin, why is it that
every time we have

a chance to have fun,
you have to have a plan?

what kind of opportunity
this shopping spree is.

Oh, but I do,
it's an opportunity

for you to have a plan.

Well, excuse me

for being organized.

Well, do you know
what I thought?

and every time
we see something we like

we throw in the cart it.

Oh-oh!

and throw in
the cart things.

Balki, do you know what
we would wind up with?

Eight hundred pounds
of ding dongs.

Oh, cousin.

That is not fair

and that is not true
and that is not right.

Because I would also
like to pick up

some of those
cheese franks

and some of those potato chips
that taste like tacos.

All right. All right.

And some after dinner mints.
Which you...

All right, all right,
fine, good, good, good.

That is one way to go.

Let us call that plan Z.

Now, let us listen to my plan
which we will call plan A.

and labeled all the sections
where we have to go.

What is...
What is gourmet section?

The gourmet section is where
they keep the expensive foods

like caviar and escargot.

Oh.
Mmm-hmm.

All right.
What are they?

Caviar and escargot?

Fish eggs and snails.

They are considered delicacies.

Well, on Mypos,
they're considered fertilizer.

I don't want to
eat that stuff.

You can just count me
out and down in Beverly Hills.

Balki, you don't understand.

We are not going
to eat the food.

Well, silly me.

Why would I think
we would eat the food?

This morning I must have got up
on the wrong side of my brain.

If I could just finish?

I stopped by Chez Robert.
And I talked to the chef.

He'll buy everything we get.

We'll sell him the food,
take the money

and buy this.

A living bra.

No. No. This.

An air conditioner.

Oh, cousin

we don't need
an air conditioner.

Balki, have you forgotten
last summer?

Well, of course, I haven't.
Don't be ridiculous.

It was my first
summer in America.

I was drinking in
the sights and sounds

of a new country.

I was learning
the difference

between beta and VHS.

The weather.

The heat.

Do you remember
the heat?

Well, it wasn't
the heat so much.

It was really the humidity.
Oh, God!

You put on a shirt 5:00
in the afternoon

it's wringing wet--

Balki. Balki. Balki.

The point

that I am so desperately

trying to make here

is that we...

The air conditioner?
Yes! Yes!

Yes, the air conditioner.

Balki, look, look, look.

This air conditioner
could cool off

the whole apartment
for the summer.

Especially your room, hmm?

Balki.
My room?

Yes.
Think about it.

Well, maybe
it wouldn't hurt

to give your plan
a little listen.

Yes, thank you.
Thank you. Okay.

Look, now...

We will have one cart
and three minutes

to get as much as we can.

our value per cubic foot
of cart space.

Now, the rules say
we cannot use any baggage

but it says
nothing about pockets.

So, in the event
we run out of cart space

we will be wearing special
outfits with lots of pockets.

Well, I had a whole outfit
picked out, you know...

Well, I'll tell you what,
why don't you just

All right, now, we will hit
the meat department

and go straight
to the expensive cuts.

No ground beef.
I repeat, no hamburger.

Then we'll swing
by the produce section.

The failure of the Cassava
crops has pushed

the prize of those melons
right through the roof.

Then it's over
to the gourmet section.

You get the escargot,
I'll get the caviar

if the prize of
the white fish is still up

we'll clean them out.

Any questions so far?
Balki.

Does Sylvester Stallone
do his own stunts?

Hmm...

Uh, what I meant was

are there any

questions about
the shopping spree?

Oh, oh, oh!

No, no, not a one.

Good.

When we get to the...

Cute outfits.
Well, thank you.

They're part of
Cousin Larry's plan.

You know we can carry
twice our body weight.

We're about to start.

Uh, Mary Ann, do you need
anything besides the shampoo?

Oh, no, thanks. I think
I'm fine on conditioner.

Well, Larry,
do you think you'll have

enough time to get
my nail polish?

Nail polish?

Super.

Uh, Balki, could I speak to
you for just a moment?

Excuse us.

What are you doing?

to get some things
for our neighbors.

We can't do that!

But Mrs. Schlegelmitz
needs some salami.

Balki, we only have
three minutes

to get everything
on our list.

But cousin, I promised.

Well, well,
you shouldn't have.

Balki, this is going
to throw the plan way off.

Well, then we just
change the plan.

Change the plan?

We can't change the plan
right before we start.

Why do you think
they call it a plan?

Ladies and gentlemen, may I have
your attention, please?

The contest is about to begin.

Gather round.
Gather round.

Welcome to our
Grand Opening Celebration.

I'd like to introduce you
to our shopping spree winners

Mr. Balki Bartokomous.

Yay!

PETE: And Mr. Larry Appleton.

Yay!

Now, remember, boys

you will have exactly
three minutes

to cross this finish line

before the buzzer sounds,
or you lose everything.

Shoppers, take your marks.

why we don't we have time
to be nice to our neighbors?

I'll tell you what,
we'll throw them a dinner party.

Stick to the plan.

PETE: Ready.

Set.

Shop.

(ALL CHEERING)

Balki. Balki. Balki.

Balki, where are you going?

Well, I thought I would get
Mary Ann's shampoo before I--

You can get it later.

Stick to the plan.

Roasts!

Three.

Roast one.

Roast two.

Roast three.
LARRY: Ham.

Four.

Ham one.

Ham two.

Ham three.

Ham four.
Turkey!

Three, oh, God.

Turkey one.

Turkey two.

Turkey three.
LARRY: Pheasants!

Nine. Salami!

I told Mrs. Schlegelmitz
and she said

to me she said, "Balki,
if you get a chance, baby

"you gotta pick up
some of that."

Balki, forget the salami.

We've got to get
to the casabas.

Two minutes.

But what about
Mary Ann's shampoo?

Cousin, it's right over there.

We just have to get it...

Forget the shampoo.

Cousin, don't.

All right. All right.
Right here.

Come on, Balki, all right.
Right there.

Squeeze bottle or tube?

All right, all right. Here.

Shampoo!

Oh, wait, I see the diapers
for Mrs. Fargey...

No, no, Balki, Balki, Balki.
All right, get the diapers.

Get the diapers.

Balki, whitefish,
$19.95 a pound.

Looks like spawning season.

Oh.

Thirty seconds.

We have 30 seconds
to get the caviar.

But, cousin, if we don't
go, if we don't go right now

we'll lose everything we'll
lose everything we got.

I'm not leaving
without the caviar.

Oh, but, oh, cousin...

Ten seconds.

(ALL CHEERING)

PETE: Five...

Four, three.

Two, one.

(CHEERING) Yeah!

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Balki, we did it, $635.

Cousin, that's enough to buy

the air conditioner
and the living bra.

And we had fun, too.

You had fun?

Well, always, cousin.
Always.

That's why they call me
"The Jerry Lewis of Mypos."

Why is it always work for me
and fun for you?

Well, I don't know,
cousin. Um...

Maybe because you spend
so much time making plans

and you don't leave
enough time to have fun.

Now, that's not true.
Oh, cousin.

What are you going
to do now?

But that only makes sense.

You've gotta
comparison shop.

You've gotta
find the best deal.

Yes, but, cousin, you're
not going to have any fun.

I'll have an
air conditioner.

Yes, but you're
not going to have any fun.

I'll have an
air conditioner.

All right, cousin.
Do you want to have fun?

Do you? Do you?
Oh. Oh.

Do you want to have fun?

Yes, I do.

All right. Now, listen.

On Mypos, we have a saying.

(SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Need I say more?

A little more
might be helpful.

It says,
"If you let your hair down

"you might be surprised
what you find in it."

You know, Balki,

in your own odd way

you're right.

And you are going
to teach me

how to loosen up.

I am?
How I do that?

I'm going to give you
this money.

I want you to spend
every last penny of it.

But cousin--
And I don't care
how you do it.

'Cause I know
whatever you do

and totally spontaneous.

Well, cousin, I...
635 smackeroos.

You know,
I feel terrific.

I feel as if
this great weight

has been lifted
from my shoulders.

Well, you know,
I do, too.

(LAUGHING)

Ah...
Ah...

Well...

So, uh, Balki, uh...

Well, what are you gonna do
with all that money?

No, no, no.
No, that's not what I mean.

Just that if, uh,
I'm gonna learn

in a very loosely structured

you know, free kind of way.

Well, I'll tell you.

Mary Ann is going to have
a birthday soon.

And I thought what I would do
is rent one of those airplanes

that spit smoke
out of the back end

and write in the sky.

And I would have it say

"Happy birthday, Mary Ann

"from guess who."

Now, doesn't that
sound like fun?

(LAUGHING)

Doesn't it?
Doesn't it?

Doesn't it sound like fun?

Balki.
What?

Give me the money.
No! No!

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)