Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 3, Episode 20 - You Gotta Have Friends - full transcript

Balki claims to have met Carl Lewis at a convenience store and had to lend him money because he forgot his wallet buy Larry is convinced that someone took advantage of his cousin once again.

Sometimes
the world looks perfect

* Sometimes you just
get a feeling

* Like you need
some kinda change

* Nothing's gonna
stand in my way

* This flame in my heart
like a long lost friend

* Gives every dark street
a light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dream

* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dream

* The rain and thunder



* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life and my dream

* Nothing's gonna stop me now *

Balki.

Do we have any
dental floss left?

Oh, no cousin,
I tied the last
of it around

my finger
to remind me

to buy dental floss.

Oh, great.

Just when I could
really use
the confidence

a good flossing gives me.

Hey, cousin, I...

I gotta get
to the Paper early.



I've got a lot of
work to do.

Mr. Burns is taking me
to lunch today.

Mmm, cousin,
that's wonderful.

It ain't every day
your boss
take you to lunch.

It isn't any day.

He's never done it.

Mmm.
All right,
I got my lucky tie.

My lucky socks,
my lucky pen.

My lucky pen.

Balki, have you seen
my lucky pen?

Many times, cousin.

But I look at it again
if you want.

There it is.
What's it doing here?

Oh, po-po.
I forgot.

I use it to write
a letter to mama.

Cousin, did you know
that if you shake
the fountain pen

so that a big
glob of ink
come on the paper

and then you stick
the tip of your pen
in the glob

it will suck the ink
right back up
inside itself?

I show you.

Balki, you want to write
a letter to your Mama,

here are pens.
Use any of them
you like.

Do not use my lucky pen!

Well, excuse me
for being a good son.

My keys.
Where are my keys?

Are you talking about
your regular keys
or your lucky keys?

Balki, I've lost
my car keys!

No, you haven't,
I know where they are.

You do

I give them to Jennifer.

You gave my car keys
to Jennifer?

Well, of course I did,
don't be ridiculous.

Your car wouldn't start
without them.

Jennifer had to go
to the airport

and her car wouldn't work,
so I give her your car.

My car?
Yes.

She was very grateful.
She give me a hug.

A big one.

I can't believe
this is happening.

I can't believe
you're doing this to me.

Cousin, correct me
if I'm wrong,

but I have
a stinkin' feeling.

Are you angry with me?

Yes! Yes, I am angry!

Because of you,
I can't floss

I wasted precious time
looking for my lucky pen

and now I have to
take the bus which
leaves in five minutes!

Wait, wait, wait.
Cousin, please, don't go.

I... I'm sorry, I almost
ruined your day but,
but don't go.

We have to talk
about it.

I don't want to
talk to you.

But cousin,
I could get dressed,

or we can talk about it
when we get to work,

or we could talk about it
on our coffee break or...

You, mail-boy.

Oh, hello,
Mrs. Van Wisser,
having a nice day?

As a matter of fact,
I'm not.

You know something,
I'm not either.

that would have
curdled your hair.

There were 20 messages
from Mrs. Porterfield
on my desk.

Didn't you mail
my RSVP to her
daughter's wedding?

Well, of course I did.

Thank goodness,
we wouldn't want
the most important

society editor
in town to miss it.

Well, of course
we wouldn't.
Don't be ridiculous.

Me, you cretin.

Oh, po-po!
I'm not a Cretan,
I'm a Mypiot.

But we're often mistaken
for Cretans

because there is a certain,
uh, similarity in
the bone structure

and the long
tapering face and, uh,

somewhat lugubrious
nose and, uh...

Oh. Who cares?
As long as you
mailed the RSVP.

Well, I did,

What little note?

You know,
the one you clipped
to the outside

of the envelope
that says,

"I wouldn't miss
this marriage
for the world.

"It must have cost
the old bag

"a bundle
to marry off
her daughter.

"Remind me to send
a sympathy card
to the groom."

Now, you find a Cretan
who can remember that.

You sent that note
to Mrs. Porterfield?

Yes, and you don't
have to thank me now.

It's just part of my job,

just part of my job.

That was a note
to my secretary.

Oh, well, that's where
you made your mistake.

When you want to
send something
to your secretary,

you use an inter-office
envelope.

And that way
you save 22 cents.

You're going to
pay for this.

Well...

Okay, but
just this once.

Next time you buy
your own stamps.

Thank you, Harry.

Cousin. Cousin.

Can we talk now?

Cousin.

Cousin, please,
stand still
and talk to me.

Balki, I am having
a bad day.

I got pushed off the bus
at the wrong stop,

my lucky pen leaked,

Cousin, I know
you're nervous
about your lunch today,

but, listen, on Mypos
we have a saying,

and I'm gonna skip
right to the English,

'cause I know
you're in a hurry.

When you have
an argument
with a friend

you've got to
stop right now
and talk about it,

otherwise your
anger will grow
and fester inside of you

until you explode
like a cat on
a hot tin roof.

So...

we talk, talk when
you get back?

I'll be right here.

Well, if they let me
pack a gun,

crooks would
think twice about
robbing this joint.

If they let you
pack a gun,

Hi, Harriette.
Hi, Jimmy.

I'm goin' to lunch.

Can I, can I wear it?

That's a big 10-4,
good buddy.

Oh, well,
of course it is.
Don't be ridiculous.

Is that a yes
or a no?

It's a yes.

Be careful
of that nightstick.

You might put
someone's eye out.

Cousin.

Cousin.

What's his problem?

I am.

Cousin Larry's
very angry with me.

Oh, I know all about
that kind of thing.

My husband has two moods,
angry and angrier.

But Harriette,
he won't even
talk to me.

He won't even stand still
long enough to talk to me.

Well, you know what I do
when my husband
behaves like Larry?

I make him
get in the car
and I drive

until he decides
to talk about it.

Does it work?
Keeps my marriage together.

And we've seen
all 50 states.

You know, I would love
to take a car ride
with Cousin Larry,

but we don't have a car,

and I think that's
part of the reason
he's mad at me.

Well, listen, honey,
if you want things

to be right
between you two,

no matter what it takes.

why don't you take
the window?

I'll see you later, baby.
Thank you.

Bye.

Mmm.

Cousin, are you sure
you don't...

Balki, leave me alone.

Those are hand cuffs.

What are you doing?

They don't come off
until you talk to me.

Balki, take
these cuffs off.

Not until you talk to me.

Open these cuffs!

Balki, if you don't
take these...
All right.

I'm not angry anymore.
I'm over it.

Now, why don't you take
these cuffs off?

Give me the key!

Talk first, key second.

Oh! Stop it.
Stop it, stop it.
Would you stop it?

Okay, look, but you...
Oh, oh, oh, no...

All right, All right.

Balki, what do you
want from me?

Cousin, I want to
be friends again.

I want you to tell me
what it is I did wrong,

where it is I went wrong?

Look, you don't loan
a person's car

without asking
their permission!

your ox-cart
you lend them
your ox-cart.

Balki, if we were
talking about an ox-cart
I wouldn't care,

but we're talking
about my car.
I love my car.

Cousin, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry.

I never, never do it
again without asking
your permission.

Well, that's all I ask.

Mmm.

I'm sorry I got so upset,

Oh, I know, I know.

Can we take these off?
Oh, okay.

Appleton.

Uh, yes, sir.

Uh...

Will you excuse us,
Bartokomous?

Appleton, I...

Appleton?

Excuse us, Balki.

I suppose you're
wondering why I'm
taking you to lunch.

Yes, as a matter of fact
I was, sir.

Well, I didn't want to
tell you before because

quite frankly,
you're a little
high-strung.

You know,
I've noticed
that myself,

this man is just
gonna pop...

but I'll be right over here
in case anybody needs me.

The other day...

Mr. Wainwright
asked me which
of my reporters

showed the
most potential.

And in a very weak moment
I mentioned your name.

Yes, he wants to meet you,
so he's joining us for lunch.

Be at the restaurant
at 1:00.

I'm meeting the publisher?
Mr. Bainwright?

I mean Mr. Wainwright.

I hope I get
his name right.

Appleton, you're babbling.

LARRY: Yes, sir.

Balki, did you hear that?

Well, of course I heard it,
I was standing right here.

Balki, take these off.
Okay.

Hurry.
Okay.

I can do it quick...
Cousin, I know how do it.

The key broke.

Well, now you've done it.

Hello, I am Marcel,
your maitre d'.

I'm Larry Appleton,
I'm with the Burns' party.

I'll check on your table.

Uh, perhaps you would like
to look at our menu?

Thank you.

Balki, we're in luck.

Mr. Burns
and Mr. Wainwright
aren't here yet.

We'll sit at tables
that are next to each other.

If we keep our hands
out of sight

no one will know
we're handcuffed.

Ah! Mr. Burns?

This way, sir.
I'll be with you
in a moment.

We're not together,
but we'd like
to sit near each other.

We get lonely easily.

Of course.

Here are two tables.

Are they close enough?

Yes, this is fine.

I think things
are going well,
don't you?

Ahem!

R.T., this is
Larry Appleton.

How do you do?

Oh, well.

I always sit in the
no smoking section,
it's healthier.

Ordinarily, I'd agree.

Uh, but while I was
waiting for you I had
a chance to study

the air currents wafting,
wafting through the room.

And I noticed
that the smoke
is being blown

directly into
the no smoking area.

So, that while it may seem
that the no smoking section

is healthier than
the smoking section,
the truth is...

Appleton, you're babbling.

Yes, sir.

Why don't we sit
at another table?

First time in
a restaurant, Appleton?

Pull yourself together!

Oh.

You know,
I think you handled
that rather well.

Thank you.

All right, I'll sit there,
you sit there, come on.

Oh! There's
somebody sitting
at that table!

Uh, sorry about that
air current thing,

it's just that I'm so
nervous about meeting

the paplisher of the publer.

The peeblisher of the pobler.

The publisher
of the paper.

Is it getting warm in here?

Appleton, will you
for God's sake sit down!

Yes, sir.

Hello.

Oh, Mrs. Van Wisser.

Young man,
are you being paid
to destroy me?

If you aren't
out of here
in ten seconds,

I am calling the police.

Excuse me for
just one moment.

So, Larry, tell me

Well, an interesting story.
I started out
as a photographer...

Wo...

Cousin, I've got to
talk to you.

Balki, not now.

Appleton,
what are you doing?

I dropped a contact lens.

Cousin, I'm sitting
with Mrs. Van Wisser

and she has made it
very clear that she
wants to dine alone.

Cousin, I've got to
get out of here.

Balki, you can't.
Yes, I can.

Sorry, I just
thought that...

Oh, ah!
I'll, I'll be right back.

What are you doing?

Mrs. Van Wisser
will call the police!

Balki, if I don't
go back
to that table

I'm going to
lose my job!

No, no.

Uh, I was just looking
for a chair for my friend.

Oh!
Here's one.

Come on.
Just follow my lead.

BOTH: Hi!

Hi?

Small world.

I thought I saw
my cousin Balki

and, well,
sure enough I did.

Big deal, you work together.

Yes, but he is such
an interesting man

that if he's gone for
more than a minute,
your life gets boring.

Uh, Mr. Wainwright,
Balki Bartokomous.

A pleasure.

Balki's from Mypos.

An ambidextrous island.

But, uh, where are
our manners?

Uh, Balki,
won't you join us?

Oh, I couldn't possibly.
Oh, please.

Oh, no, absolutely
out of the question.

Oh, you must.

I insist.
Well, just this once.

Just where is Mypos,
Mr. Bartokomous?

Well, it's in
the Southeastern
Mediterranean.

That's funny, I thought
I knew all the islands

Well, um,
Mypos is very small.

During the war it was used
for target practice.

Would you like some food
of your own, Bartokomous?

Oh, no, no, no.

This is fine! So full.
This is fine.

Oh, well, we enjoy
doing things together.

Did I mention
that we're cousins?

Were your parents
cousins, too?

Is there something
wrong with your
left hand, young man?

I notice you don't
use it at all.

No, no, I just...
I like to save it

for emergencies.

Emergencies?
Yes.

Of course.

But enough about me!

Uh, more bread,
Mr. Wainwright?

Ooh! Oh,
I'm so sorry.

I, I, I...

Appleton, you'd better
have a good explanation
for this!

Oh! Oh! Eh... Explanation!

Oh, you dood I be.
You di dee boo.
You bet I do.

This... This could happen
to anyone.

It happened to me.
It happened to him.

Cousin, you're babbling.

Well, nip feedle stip net.

So, what could I do?

Well, it's a great pleasure
to meet you boys.

Oh, you were right, Harry.

Appleton, I hope
you realize
you're very lucky!

Yes, yes, sir,
I, I know, sir. I know.
I, I...

Mmm, we're lucky
we didn't have
to go to the men's room.

Good point.

Cousin.
What?

I got to say something.

None of this
would have happened if...

I know.
Cousin...

None of this
would have...
I know.

You're going to say
that none of this
would have happened

if I had talked to you
when I was angry.

I was wrong,
and I'm sorry.

Oh, cousin,
that's very nice.

That isn't actually
what I was going to say.

What I was going
to say is

none of this would
have happened if I had
just been patient

and waited for you to find
a time to talk to me.

I was just
trying to follow
my Myposian proverb.

Well, Balki, nobody enjoys
a good Myposian proverb
more than I do.

But life is a little
more complicated in America.

You might
have to adjust
your proverbs.

Well, I guess
they could use
some fine-tuning.

You know, on Mypos
when we say we have
to talk right now,

it's not so much
a problem

because there's really
nothing else to do.

How was your lunch?

What happened?

You two guys
look like Tony Curtis
and Sidney Poitier.

Well, actually,
you both look
like Tony Curtis.

Oh, it's a long story.

Have you seen Jimmy?

Maybe he's got
another key
to these things.

Oh, sure I have.
He went to the hospital.

His wife is
having a baby.

BOTH: Ohh...