Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 3, Episode 19 - My Brother, Myself - full transcript
When Larry's brother, whom he's been jealous of because he's so popular who is now a big shot, comes for a visit. He pretends to be a big shot himself. But when his brother stays longer than expected things get out of hand.
* Sometimes the world
looks perfect
* Nothing to rearrange
* Sometimes you just
get a feeling
* Like you need
some kind of change
* No matter what
the odds are this time
* Nothing's gonna stand
in my way
* This flame in my heart
* Like a long-lost friend
* Gives every dark street
a light at the end
* Standing tall
* On the wings of my dream
* Rise and fall
* On the wings of my dream
* The rain and thunder
the wind and haze
* I'm bound for better days
* Oh oh
* It's my life and my dream
* And nothing's going
to stop me now *
Fourteenth President?
Franklin Pierce.
Term?
Term?
Ow.
Oh, you're still here?
Cousin, I have to go to bed.
Balki, all you have
to do is get an A
on your history final
and you'll graduate high school
at the top of your class.
we've been studying for hours
and I'm scraping the bottom
of my bucket.
Well, scrape a little deeper.
Balki, nobody
in the family has ever
graduated at the top
of the class.
I came close.
All I needed was a 96
on my geometry final.
But Mr. Blanchard threw
in a trick question
I only got a 94.
I came in second to that
little tramp, Becky Jo Quinn.
Cousin, my history final
is in four hours
and if I don't get some sleep
my brain isn't going
to be worth babbasticki.
Balki. Don't you understand?
You could be the first
in the family
to be a valedictorian.
Well, I... I don't
think so, cousin.
I... I enjoy
eating meat so much.
No, no, Balki,
a valedictorian is the person
who is number one
in his graduating class.
And he gets to make
the big speech
at the graduation ceremony.
And all we need to do
is get a 100
on the final tomorrow.
But, cousin,
getting a perfect 100
on the history final is like, uh
swimming across Lake Mypos
without getting a single leech.
Balki, anything worth doing
is going to be hard.
Now...
Concentrate.
Ow!
Fifteenth President?
James Buchanan.
Term?
1857 to 1861.
Wife's name?
He wasn't married.
Why not?
Who the heck knows?
Cousin, I'm going to bed.
Balki.
into that graduation
valedictorian
number one, numero uno.
Are you gonna let a little thing
like sleep get in you way?
Yes. Now, cousin, I'm sorry
but I am not studying anymore
tonight and that's that.
Oh, that's that, is it?
That is exactly what that is.
I'm not studying
any more tonight.
My brain is exhausted
and besides I know everything
in the book.
You know everything in this?
Yes, I do.
You do
I do. I do.
You do?
I do.
Jefferson Davis.
Who is the vice president
of the Confederacy?
Alexander Stephens.
He was from Georgia.
He weighed under
a hundred pounds.
Who is the publisher
of your history book?
You're a sick man, cousin.
Oh, you don't know, do you?
Do you
You don't know!
Well, it's
the Warren Weber Company
of Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
Cousin, my teacher's not
going to ask that.
No. And I thought my teacher
wasn't gonna ask
how many pages there were
in the textbook.
But he did!
The only person
who knew the answer
Now, are you going to be
Balki Barotkomous,
valedictorian?
Or a nobody?
Valedictorian?
Or a nobody?
all right, cousin,
let's go for the mold!
That's the spirit.
"Chapter one..."
Balki.
Balki.
What time is it?
BALKI: It's "Howdy Doody" time.
Oh, my Lord! We fell asleep.
It's 10 o'clock.
Balki.
Your history exam.
It started an hour ago.
Really
Coats, coats. Get the coats.
Get the coats.
Door. Door. Open the door.
Door.
Uh, Mr. Jones,
I finished with the test.
I think you'll enjoy it.
the extra credit question.
Don't know it, huh?
Uh, that too.
Mister... Mister... Mister Jones
I can explain why I'm late.
and then I fall asleep
and then I didn't wake up
until this morning
when Cousin Larry
knocked me off the couch
and then
knocking my head against
the banister with each step.
Just between you and me,
it's a lucky thing
I don't have a percussion.
Can he still take the test?
Well, sure, but I'm afraid
he only has 20 minutes
to complete it.
It would take me 20 minutes
just to read this.
Don't read it.
Go on instinct.
Balki! Listen to me.
You can do it.
You know the answers.
But you're going to have
to work fast, very fast.
Ahem. He also has to work alone.
I'm out of here.
Oh, good, the seventh President
was Andrew Jackson.
I... I couldn't think whether
it was Andrew or Jermaine.
Uh, Balki, I have to turn
these papers in by noon.
Oh! Okay, I'm sorry.
Well, Balki, congratulations.
You got a 100.
Yes. Yes!
Uh, Cousin, I did it. I...
Oh.
Now.
Cousin!
Now we're so happy,
we do the dance of joy.
* Dai dai dai dai
dai dai dai dai
* Hey hey hey hey
hey hey hey hey *
Well, you should be happy, Balki
Second?
What do you mean second?
We got a 100. We're number one.
We're number one.
Uh, I don't know what you are
but Balki finished second
in the class.
You see, Henry Fong also got
a 100 on the test.
And his overall average is one
point higher than Balki's.
Oh!
Oh, cousin, I... I'm sorry,
I did the best I could.
No, a 100 is nothing
to be ashamed of.
Wait a second. You didn't answer
the extra credit question.
I didn't see an extra
credit question.
Well, I gave Henry a chance.
So I'll give you a chance
to answer it.
I must warn you it's kind
of a trick question.
Naturally.
But if you get it right
you will be number one
in the class.
Okay, now.
Who was the publisher
of our history book?
Balki. You know this.
Oh, cousin. Oh, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Oh, I see it. I see it.
It's... It's right
on the tip of my brain.
It's... coming closer. It's...
I see it. I see it. It's...
It's... gone.
Well, don't feel bad
nobody's ever gotten one
of my extra credit questions.
I'm sorry, cousin.
I let you down.
I should have remembered
The Warren Weber Company
of Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
He said it, he said it.
Congratulations, Balki.
This means that you graduate
with the highest average
in the class.
Oh, thank you, Mr. Jones.
Oh, I'm going to be so proud
when I get up
in front of everybody
to make my speech.
Come on, cousin,
I want to go buy
an underarm deodorant
that won't fail me.
MR. JONES:
Well, uh, hold on a minute.
What speech are you talking
about, Balki?
Oh, the speech that I make
at the graduation ceremony.
Uh, there is no
graduation ceremony.
There isn't?
Then... Oh-oh, I make
my speech at the prom
before all the promming starts?
Uh, there's no prom, either.
I suppose you're gonna tell me
there's no class picture.
No graduation
No class picture?
What is this
It's night school.
You'll get your diploma
in the mail.
You mean I don't get
to make a speech?
It's a school policy.
Well, the policy stinks.
Oh, no, cousin,
it's... It's all right.
Mr. Jones, I really enjoyed
having you as a teacher.
Thank you very much.
Goodbye, Balki, good luck.
Bye-bye.
I'm sorry, Balki.
I had no idea,
everybody gets a graduation.
No, cousin, it's all right.
It's really all right.
Um, but if you don't mind
I'm going to walk home
I just... I wanna be alone
for just a moment.
It's not fair.
Night school students
work... Work harder
than anyone to get
their diplomas.
They didn't do it the easy way
like you and I did.
Living at home, going to school
during the day
having all night to do homework.
No, no. They have to go
to classes in the evening
because they have jobs
during the day.
They study whenever
they can find the time.
On the bus, on the way
to work, on the weekends.
And what do they get from you?
Can you spare the postage?
Uh, listen, uh...
No, no, no! Hear me out!
These people earn
their diplomas.
If anyone deserves
a graduation, they do.
My summer camp had a graduation.
Even dog obedience school
has a graduation.
And all they have to do is
learn to go on the paper.
If you have any decency,
any compassion,
any sense of justice
you will see
that these people get
their own graduation ceremony.
That was very moving...
But I don't work
here anymore.
After I turn these papers in,
I'm finished for the semester.
Aw, come on.
Can't you do something?
Well... I guess we could
go talk to the principal.
Thank you. Thank you.
And try not to grovel.
She'll eat you alive.
Cousin.
Balki.
I have to talk to you.
I have to talk to you too.
Me first.
I spoke to Mr. Jones and he...
Cousin, cousin, cousin,
please, please.
Look, I've been walking
around the windy city
for two hours feeling
sorry for myself
and then just before my lips
were chapped beyond
recognition,
I say to myself "Balki,
what the matter with you is?"
Not only did I graduate from
high school, but thanks to you
I graduate number one
in my class.
Well, wait till you hear
what I have...
I mean, let's be real!
I didn't know about any
graduation ceremony
or giving a speech
or going to a prom
until you told me.
So why, why should I feel like
my heart has been torn out
by the roots?
I am a high school graduate.
I can cope.
You mean you really don't care
whether you have
a graduation ceremony or not?
Oh, cousin, I'm past that.
Cousin... This is a mature,
adult Balki you're talking to.
So, if I told you that Mr. Jones
and I spoke to your principal
and your class is going to have
a graduation ceremony
you would say...
Cowabunga!
This is the happiest day
of my life.
And you did it! You did it!
Balki! Balki! Balki!
If you don't put me down
Oh, oh, oh.
Cousin, I'm sorry.
I'm... I'm just... I'm so happy.
I get to have
a graduation ceremony.
And I get to give a speech.
I hope my lips heal in time.
Cousin, I can't believe this.
How can I ever thank you?
Just give a great speech.
If you need any help
you can always use the one
I wrote, but never got to use
because of that little tramp,
Becky Jo Quinn.
Cousin...
You're going to have
to let that go.
Graduation. Boy, does
this bring back memories?
You know, I was voted
most likely to succeed.
Well, we all have our
little disappointments.
Larry's such a sweet guy to go
to all this trouble for Balki.
I'm so excited.
I have never known anyone
We've got to move this along.
Traffic school meets
here in an hour.
It's time.
Let's take our seats.
What a coincidence. They
played that at my graduation.
I wanna thank you
all for coming.
Before I hand out
the diplomas, we'll hear
from our valedictorian,
Mr. Balki Bartokomous.
Thank you.
I'm a little nervous.
The last time I spoke
to a group this size
they were grazing
on a hillside.
I... I don't know
how to make a speech.
But I can tell you what I feel.
Right now, I'm so happy
that it's like
skyrockets are going off
inside my heart.
There goes one now.
You know, just a short while ago
I was tending sheep
on the hillsides of Mypos
and my only possessions
were the bearwood staff
that my grandfather give me
and my heavy wool blanket
to keep out the cold and
and, of course, my Sony Walkman.
I didn't even know
what a valedictorian was
and now...
I am one.
I keep thinking any minute
somebody's going to walk
through the door and say
"Hey you!
What you think you're doing?
"You think you really get
to live in this nice place
"and have a nice job
"and have wonderful friends
and get an education?
"Get real, farm boy."
But... It is real.
I live in America.
I have a job.
I... I get to pay taxes.
I even have a Visa card
with a $200 limit.
And in just a minute
I'm going to have
a high school diploma.
That's really something special.
I think that my fellow graduates
and I are going
to make you very proud.
We have a... Big curiosity
to learn things
and a big feeling
of how lucky we are
to live in America
and a... A big wish
that we can make America...
As happy as America makes us.
That's all that's in there.
I'm finished now.
Cousin, I don't understand
We've been driving around
for an hour.
Balki, it's tradition.
You graduate,
you drive to Evanston.
Everybody does it.
Welcome to your prom.
Congratulations, baby.
May I have this dance?
looks perfect
* Nothing to rearrange
* Sometimes you just
get a feeling
* Like you need
some kind of change
* No matter what
the odds are this time
* Nothing's gonna stand
in my way
* This flame in my heart
* Like a long-lost friend
* Gives every dark street
a light at the end
* Standing tall
* On the wings of my dream
* Rise and fall
* On the wings of my dream
* The rain and thunder
the wind and haze
* I'm bound for better days
* Oh oh
* It's my life and my dream
* And nothing's going
to stop me now *
Fourteenth President?
Franklin Pierce.
Term?
Term?
Ow.
Oh, you're still here?
Cousin, I have to go to bed.
Balki, all you have
to do is get an A
on your history final
and you'll graduate high school
at the top of your class.
we've been studying for hours
and I'm scraping the bottom
of my bucket.
Well, scrape a little deeper.
Balki, nobody
in the family has ever
graduated at the top
of the class.
I came close.
All I needed was a 96
on my geometry final.
But Mr. Blanchard threw
in a trick question
I only got a 94.
I came in second to that
little tramp, Becky Jo Quinn.
Cousin, my history final
is in four hours
and if I don't get some sleep
my brain isn't going
to be worth babbasticki.
Balki. Don't you understand?
You could be the first
in the family
to be a valedictorian.
Well, I... I don't
think so, cousin.
I... I enjoy
eating meat so much.
No, no, Balki,
a valedictorian is the person
who is number one
in his graduating class.
And he gets to make
the big speech
at the graduation ceremony.
And all we need to do
is get a 100
on the final tomorrow.
But, cousin,
getting a perfect 100
on the history final is like, uh
swimming across Lake Mypos
without getting a single leech.
Balki, anything worth doing
is going to be hard.
Now...
Concentrate.
Ow!
Fifteenth President?
James Buchanan.
Term?
1857 to 1861.
Wife's name?
He wasn't married.
Why not?
Who the heck knows?
Cousin, I'm going to bed.
Balki.
into that graduation
valedictorian
number one, numero uno.
Are you gonna let a little thing
like sleep get in you way?
Yes. Now, cousin, I'm sorry
but I am not studying anymore
tonight and that's that.
Oh, that's that, is it?
That is exactly what that is.
I'm not studying
any more tonight.
My brain is exhausted
and besides I know everything
in the book.
You know everything in this?
Yes, I do.
You do
I do. I do.
You do?
I do.
Jefferson Davis.
Who is the vice president
of the Confederacy?
Alexander Stephens.
He was from Georgia.
He weighed under
a hundred pounds.
Who is the publisher
of your history book?
You're a sick man, cousin.
Oh, you don't know, do you?
Do you
You don't know!
Well, it's
the Warren Weber Company
of Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
Cousin, my teacher's not
going to ask that.
No. And I thought my teacher
wasn't gonna ask
how many pages there were
in the textbook.
But he did!
The only person
who knew the answer
Now, are you going to be
Balki Barotkomous,
valedictorian?
Or a nobody?
Valedictorian?
Or a nobody?
all right, cousin,
let's go for the mold!
That's the spirit.
"Chapter one..."
Balki.
Balki.
What time is it?
BALKI: It's "Howdy Doody" time.
Oh, my Lord! We fell asleep.
It's 10 o'clock.
Balki.
Your history exam.
It started an hour ago.
Really
Coats, coats. Get the coats.
Get the coats.
Door. Door. Open the door.
Door.
Uh, Mr. Jones,
I finished with the test.
I think you'll enjoy it.
the extra credit question.
Don't know it, huh?
Uh, that too.
Mister... Mister... Mister Jones
I can explain why I'm late.
and then I fall asleep
and then I didn't wake up
until this morning
when Cousin Larry
knocked me off the couch
and then
knocking my head against
the banister with each step.
Just between you and me,
it's a lucky thing
I don't have a percussion.
Can he still take the test?
Well, sure, but I'm afraid
he only has 20 minutes
to complete it.
It would take me 20 minutes
just to read this.
Don't read it.
Go on instinct.
Balki! Listen to me.
You can do it.
You know the answers.
But you're going to have
to work fast, very fast.
Ahem. He also has to work alone.
I'm out of here.
Oh, good, the seventh President
was Andrew Jackson.
I... I couldn't think whether
it was Andrew or Jermaine.
Uh, Balki, I have to turn
these papers in by noon.
Oh! Okay, I'm sorry.
Well, Balki, congratulations.
You got a 100.
Yes. Yes!
Uh, Cousin, I did it. I...
Oh.
Now.
Cousin!
Now we're so happy,
we do the dance of joy.
* Dai dai dai dai
dai dai dai dai
* Hey hey hey hey
hey hey hey hey *
Well, you should be happy, Balki
Second?
What do you mean second?
We got a 100. We're number one.
We're number one.
Uh, I don't know what you are
but Balki finished second
in the class.
You see, Henry Fong also got
a 100 on the test.
And his overall average is one
point higher than Balki's.
Oh!
Oh, cousin, I... I'm sorry,
I did the best I could.
No, a 100 is nothing
to be ashamed of.
Wait a second. You didn't answer
the extra credit question.
I didn't see an extra
credit question.
Well, I gave Henry a chance.
So I'll give you a chance
to answer it.
I must warn you it's kind
of a trick question.
Naturally.
But if you get it right
you will be number one
in the class.
Okay, now.
Who was the publisher
of our history book?
Balki. You know this.
Oh, cousin. Oh, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Oh, I see it. I see it.
It's... It's right
on the tip of my brain.
It's... coming closer. It's...
I see it. I see it. It's...
It's... gone.
Well, don't feel bad
nobody's ever gotten one
of my extra credit questions.
I'm sorry, cousin.
I let you down.
I should have remembered
The Warren Weber Company
of Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
He said it, he said it.
Congratulations, Balki.
This means that you graduate
with the highest average
in the class.
Oh, thank you, Mr. Jones.
Oh, I'm going to be so proud
when I get up
in front of everybody
to make my speech.
Come on, cousin,
I want to go buy
an underarm deodorant
that won't fail me.
MR. JONES:
Well, uh, hold on a minute.
What speech are you talking
about, Balki?
Oh, the speech that I make
at the graduation ceremony.
Uh, there is no
graduation ceremony.
There isn't?
Then... Oh-oh, I make
my speech at the prom
before all the promming starts?
Uh, there's no prom, either.
I suppose you're gonna tell me
there's no class picture.
No graduation
No class picture?
What is this
It's night school.
You'll get your diploma
in the mail.
You mean I don't get
to make a speech?
It's a school policy.
Well, the policy stinks.
Oh, no, cousin,
it's... It's all right.
Mr. Jones, I really enjoyed
having you as a teacher.
Thank you very much.
Goodbye, Balki, good luck.
Bye-bye.
I'm sorry, Balki.
I had no idea,
everybody gets a graduation.
No, cousin, it's all right.
It's really all right.
Um, but if you don't mind
I'm going to walk home
I just... I wanna be alone
for just a moment.
It's not fair.
Night school students
work... Work harder
than anyone to get
their diplomas.
They didn't do it the easy way
like you and I did.
Living at home, going to school
during the day
having all night to do homework.
No, no. They have to go
to classes in the evening
because they have jobs
during the day.
They study whenever
they can find the time.
On the bus, on the way
to work, on the weekends.
And what do they get from you?
Can you spare the postage?
Uh, listen, uh...
No, no, no! Hear me out!
These people earn
their diplomas.
If anyone deserves
a graduation, they do.
My summer camp had a graduation.
Even dog obedience school
has a graduation.
And all they have to do is
learn to go on the paper.
If you have any decency,
any compassion,
any sense of justice
you will see
that these people get
their own graduation ceremony.
That was very moving...
But I don't work
here anymore.
After I turn these papers in,
I'm finished for the semester.
Aw, come on.
Can't you do something?
Well... I guess we could
go talk to the principal.
Thank you. Thank you.
And try not to grovel.
She'll eat you alive.
Cousin.
Balki.
I have to talk to you.
I have to talk to you too.
Me first.
I spoke to Mr. Jones and he...
Cousin, cousin, cousin,
please, please.
Look, I've been walking
around the windy city
for two hours feeling
sorry for myself
and then just before my lips
were chapped beyond
recognition,
I say to myself "Balki,
what the matter with you is?"
Not only did I graduate from
high school, but thanks to you
I graduate number one
in my class.
Well, wait till you hear
what I have...
I mean, let's be real!
I didn't know about any
graduation ceremony
or giving a speech
or going to a prom
until you told me.
So why, why should I feel like
my heart has been torn out
by the roots?
I am a high school graduate.
I can cope.
You mean you really don't care
whether you have
a graduation ceremony or not?
Oh, cousin, I'm past that.
Cousin... This is a mature,
adult Balki you're talking to.
So, if I told you that Mr. Jones
and I spoke to your principal
and your class is going to have
a graduation ceremony
you would say...
Cowabunga!
This is the happiest day
of my life.
And you did it! You did it!
Balki! Balki! Balki!
If you don't put me down
Oh, oh, oh.
Cousin, I'm sorry.
I'm... I'm just... I'm so happy.
I get to have
a graduation ceremony.
And I get to give a speech.
I hope my lips heal in time.
Cousin, I can't believe this.
How can I ever thank you?
Just give a great speech.
If you need any help
you can always use the one
I wrote, but never got to use
because of that little tramp,
Becky Jo Quinn.
Cousin...
You're going to have
to let that go.
Graduation. Boy, does
this bring back memories?
You know, I was voted
most likely to succeed.
Well, we all have our
little disappointments.
Larry's such a sweet guy to go
to all this trouble for Balki.
I'm so excited.
I have never known anyone
We've got to move this along.
Traffic school meets
here in an hour.
It's time.
Let's take our seats.
What a coincidence. They
played that at my graduation.
I wanna thank you
all for coming.
Before I hand out
the diplomas, we'll hear
from our valedictorian,
Mr. Balki Bartokomous.
Thank you.
I'm a little nervous.
The last time I spoke
to a group this size
they were grazing
on a hillside.
I... I don't know
how to make a speech.
But I can tell you what I feel.
Right now, I'm so happy
that it's like
skyrockets are going off
inside my heart.
There goes one now.
You know, just a short while ago
I was tending sheep
on the hillsides of Mypos
and my only possessions
were the bearwood staff
that my grandfather give me
and my heavy wool blanket
to keep out the cold and
and, of course, my Sony Walkman.
I didn't even know
what a valedictorian was
and now...
I am one.
I keep thinking any minute
somebody's going to walk
through the door and say
"Hey you!
What you think you're doing?
"You think you really get
to live in this nice place
"and have a nice job
"and have wonderful friends
and get an education?
"Get real, farm boy."
But... It is real.
I live in America.
I have a job.
I... I get to pay taxes.
I even have a Visa card
with a $200 limit.
And in just a minute
I'm going to have
a high school diploma.
That's really something special.
I think that my fellow graduates
and I are going
to make you very proud.
We have a... Big curiosity
to learn things
and a big feeling
of how lucky we are
to live in America
and a... A big wish
that we can make America...
As happy as America makes us.
That's all that's in there.
I'm finished now.
Cousin, I don't understand
We've been driving around
for an hour.
Balki, it's tradition.
You graduate,
you drive to Evanston.
Everybody does it.
Welcome to your prom.
Congratulations, baby.
May I have this dance?