Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 3, Episode 12 - To Be or Not to Be - full transcript
The newspaper is shooting a TV ad and Balki gets selected to be in it. But after taking acting lessons from Larry, things don't go as planned.
* Sometimes
the world looks perfect
* Nothing to rearrange
* Sometimes
you just get a feeling
* Like you need
some kind of change
* No matter what
the odds are this time
* Nothing's
gonna stand in my way
* This flame in my heart
* Like a long lost friend
* Gives every dark street
a light at the end
* Standing tall
* On the wings of my dreams
* Rise and fall
* On the wings of my dreams
* Through the rain and thunder
the wind and haze
* I'm bound for better days
* It's my life
* My dream
* And nothing's
gonna stop me now *
You're getting better, baby.
You'll get the hang of it.
All right.
What are we laughing about?
I spent the entire morning
covering a stupid dog show.
So I wrote this
to blow off some steam.
Listen to this.
"Society came out
on all fours today
"at the Fifth Annual
Pedigree Dog Show.
"Industrialist Henry Pryor
bragged that his dog
"was cheaper than his wife.
"The license was less
"and the dog came
with a fur coat."
Wait, wait, there's more.
"that when
she bent over to pet her dog
"there were reports
of a lunar eclipse."
Eclipse. That's good.
Cousin, I can't believe you
saying mean things about people.
Balki, these are
supposed to be jokes.
But, what if you hurt
somebody's feelings?
You never know who's listen.
On Mypos, we have a saying.
Enough said?
Not quite enough, no.
It says, "If you spit
into a windstorm
"you better carry
an umbrella."
Well, Balki, don't worry.
I'm not a big spitter.
No, cousin, it means
if you say something
cruel about someone
it might come back to haunt you.
Balki, this is humor.
In... In America
people pay big bucks
to go to Las Vegas
so that Joan Rivers
or Don Rickles
can insult them
in front of their loved ones.
Don Rickles? He's Wayne Newton's
favorite comedian.
That's right. That's right.
And I hear Wayne loves it
when Don makes fun
of his mustache.
So, you're making fun
of the dog show people
is like Don
making fun of Wayne?
More or less.
when they read
your article in the newspaper.
Oh, no. No, no, Balki.
This is not going
into the newspaper.
This is a joke.
Oh!
Well, can we send
the joke one to Wayne?
No, I think, uh, I'm gonna send
this to my brother Billy.
He'll get a kick out of it.
Oh, okay.
I'll just send Wayne
the peanut brittle
like I do every month.
Cousin. Cousin.
Can I try American humor?
BALKI: Okay.
Well, cousin
I guess when they
were handing out the lips
you only got one.
Why aren't you laughing?
It's hard to laugh with one lip.
Frank, what's
a five-letter word
for "Life?"
Hell.
That man is burned out.
Been working
for the crime beat too long.
I've never seen Frank
so down before.
Appleton.
LARRY: Yes, sir.
When you're finished
with the dog show story,
the publisher
wants to see it.
The publisher wants
to see my article
What's the publisher's name?
Mr. Wainwright.
The, uh...
Wainwright Kennel Club.
Are you making
the connection, Appleton?
Oh, yes. Right. Got it.
The publisher
sponsored the dog show.
Good!
See that you put it
on the publisher's desk
before you leave tonight.
Yes, sir.
Gorpley!
I'll get it to him tonight, sir.
Balki, did you hear that?
The publisher wants to read
something I wrote.
Oh!
HARRY: Appleton!
I almost forgot.
Where's that file
on the Fronzak baby
I asked for?
You didn't ask for it, sir.
Do I have to ask
for everything?
Learn to anticipate.
Where the hell is Gorpley?
Balki, do me a favor, would you?
Run the article I wrote
up to the publisher.
It's in the envelope
on my desk.
Okay.
Oh, I love Moonlighting.
Don't they have witty dialogue?
I just love when they say
How do they come up
with that stuff?
I bet Bruce Willis makes it up.
He's a funny guy.
Oh, if you think he's funny
wait until you hear
what this little curly hair
joke-meister wrote today.
Well, it wasn't really
all that funny.
Well, if you'd rather
not read it, Larry--
No, no, no.
I've got it right here.
Listen, listen, I,
I'm learning American humor.
Mary Anne, is that your hair
or did your head just explode?
It's my hair.
Balki hasn't quite
got the hang of it yet.
But listen to this.
It's hysterical,
even if I do say so myself.
Oh!
Oh!
Oh! Oh!
BALKI: Cousin,
did you swallow a hairball?
"Dog shows.
A cavalcade
of America's favorite pets."
By Larry Appleton.
"Collecting llamas may be
this country's latest fad
but man's best friend
continues to be the dog."
That's funny. Llamas.
Now, this isn't
the funny article.
You know what the publisher
must have the funny one.
Oh, boy, is he in for
a chuckle and a half.
Let's go, Mary Anne.
Why do we have to go?
I wanna find out
who won the dog show?
Now, now, now, cousin.
How could you do this?
How could you take the wrong
article to the publisher!
Don't you read the mail
before you deliver it?
Well, cousin, mailmen
don't read other people's mail
unless it's a postcard
and that we can't help it.
Right.
Oh.
Why am I blaming you?
I should have known
if I wrote two articles
one would fall
into the wrong hands.
Appleton's law.
No, he won't think it's funny.
I insulted his dog show.
Well, now, cousin,
I don't understand.
Is insults funny or not?
Sometimes it is.
Sometimes it's not.
Well, how you tell
the difference?
If you insult your boss,
it's not.
So, the Mypo saying is true!
Well, all I can say is
you better get out your umbrella
because the spit's
gonna hit the fan.
What am I gonna do?
Well, uh...
What are you going to do!
What am I going to do?
Balki, I have a bigger problem!
My job is in jeopardy!
Oh, I love that show.
You know, you know,
the irony is the publisher
would have
liked the real article
if only he had
a chance to read it.
If only I could undo
what's been done.
If only I could
switch the articles.
Why are you looking
at me like that?
Balki, you and I have to break
into the publisher's office
and switch the articles.
Oh, no, no.
Breaking in is wrong.
I'm not doing it, period.
Did I say break in?
Bad choice of words.
We have to go into
the publisher's office.
After all, you delivered
the wrong mail, didn't you?
And it's your duty
to deliver
the right mail, isn't it?
Yes, yes, yes.
Isn't it?
Anything less
would be irresponsible.
No.
Irresponsible.
I don't... I don't want
to be irresponsible.
Of course you don't.
What am I going to do?
Balki, you'll have to go down
to the publisher's office
and switch the articles.
Will you come with me?
All right.
I'll come with you.
What are cousins for?
Ah! Oh! Ah!
Cousin, explain to me again
how come we had
to climb up 11 flight of stairs.
Because if we took the elevator,
someone might see you
and find out
you delivered the wrong mail.
Oh!
I'm only trying to protect you.
Well, thank you, cousin.
Oh, well, the door's locked.
Listen, I appreciate everything
you try to do for me,
but I'm out of luck.
Now, Balki, don't you know
the mailman's oath?
"Neither rain nor sleet,
nor locked door
"shall stay these couriers
from the swift execution
"of their appointed rounds."
"Locked doors" isn't in there.
Yes, it is.
It's in the second verse.
Now, listen to me,
this is just a hunk.
But you know what I think?
I think you want to get in there
and get your article
and you don't care
anything about the mail.
Oh, oh, oh.
Balki, you're right.
I am in deep trouble.
I need your help.
Please.
If I don't get
that article back
I'm going to lose my job.
But you'll help me now,
won't you?
Cousin--
Please, please.
Stop it.
All right, I'll help you.
Thank you.
It's okay.
Would you stop it?
Sorry.
All right, now,
the door is locked.
How we going to get in?
We'll do what they did
on Moonlighting.
I do.
You do?
I do.
You do?
Credit card.
Maybe you're over
your credit limit.
Oh, great.
Okay, cousin. Maybe
we should just go home now.
Wait.
The transom.
Balki, give me a boost.
All right.
You're a snappy dresser.
Not that kind of boost.
But thank you.
Now lift me up here.
All right, ready?
Yeah.
Oh, one, two, three.
Okay, good, good.
I've got it. All right.
I'm stepping on your shoulder.
Tell me if I'm hurting you.
Give me, uh,
give me a little push.
Give me a little push.
Can you reach the knob?
I'm trying.
I'm trying.
Almost got it.
How about now?
I got it.
Let's just get the article
and get out of here.
Here it is.
All right.
Here's the real article.
The security guard.
Under the desk.
Cousin, I...
I can't help noticing
that things aren't going well.
What are we going to do?
Temporary setback.
We'll just wait
for the security guard to leave
and then we'll go back
in through the window.
That sounded like the guard
locked the window.
The guard didn't
lock the window.
Thank God.
All right, let's go back in.
Why?
Because the guard
locked the window.
Balki, you just told me
that the guard
didn't lock the window.
But that is because
you told me to tell you
that the guard
didn't lock the window.
Well, why don't we go see
if indeed the guard
locked the window.
The window is locked.
Perhaps the guard locked it.
Perhaps.
LARRY: Oh, my Lord.
What are they doing here?
Maybe there's
a donut shop down there.
And look, look.
A fire truck, too.
Hello! Hello!
Get back.
They'll see us.
Question.
Hmm? Sorry.
If they can't see us,
how they going to save us?
Balki, if they see us
they'll know we were
trying to break in.
And then
we'll be in big trouble.
Then we'll be in big trouble?
Cousin, we're up to our armpits
in sheep dip right now!
Get that spotlight
off me or I'll jump!
Frank?
Stay away!
You can't talk me out of this!
Frank, what you doing up here?
I don't know.
I'm confused.
I just came out here to think.
Well, you picked
a dangerous place to think.
Balki, he came up here
to think about suicide.
Oh, cousin.
Frank, I know you're
under a lot of pressure
but it can't be that bad.
What do you know about it?
Life stinks!
I see it every day.
Assaults, murders.
Look, robberies.
Nobody cares about anybody.
Mr. Peterson.
What are you guys
doing out here?
What are we doing out here?
We came out here to get
our friend off the ledge.
Oh, boy.
You never let up.
Not when it comes
to the life of a friend.
Frank, don't do this.
Leave me alone.
Well, we've done all we can do.
Leave this in the hands
of the professionals.
Now, cousin, cousin.
We've got to stop
thinking about ourselves
and maybe think about Frank.
Maybe he'll talk to us.
Balki, these people
have experience
with this sort of thing.
Get away from that window!
He don't won't to talk to them.
Well, I don't know
what to say to him.
Well, I...
Maybe I think of something.
All right. Go ahead.
But be careful.
One wrong word
and this man's gonna jump.
All right.
I'll be careful.
Frank.
Having a bad day?
Oh, this is Frank Jr.
He's moving up from T-Ball
to little league this year.
Oh, the kid's a natural.
Oh, I was a cesarean myself.
You know, Frank, this,
this doesn't make any sense.
You have a wonderful family.
You're one of the most respected
journalists in the city.
Why would you even think
of jumping of a building?
Because I'm sick of it.
I've been covering crime
for 12 years.
All I see all day are people
doing terrible things
to each other.
I can't take it anymore!
But, Frank,
if you, jump you'll be doing
something terrible
to your family.
Why don't you just go home
and hug your wife and children
and be glad that you're not one
of the terrible people
that you write about.
This is all so humiliating.
Thanks for staying
out here with me.
You know, Frank,
maybe you should get some help.
Cousin Larry's right.
there's a very good chance
we won't be here.
Frank, what do you say we go in?
In a minute.
This is the first
peaceful morning
I've had in 12 years.
Whoa.
What a night.
I never, never want
to go through that again.
Uh, I've learned my lesson.
All I want is a warm bed,
a soft pillow
and to put this night behind me.
Goodnight, Balki.
Goodnight, cousin.
Morning, Balki.
Morning, cousin.
the world looks perfect
* Nothing to rearrange
* Sometimes
you just get a feeling
* Like you need
some kind of change
* No matter what
the odds are this time
* Nothing's
gonna stand in my way
* This flame in my heart
* Like a long lost friend
* Gives every dark street
a light at the end
* Standing tall
* On the wings of my dreams
* Rise and fall
* On the wings of my dreams
* Through the rain and thunder
the wind and haze
* I'm bound for better days
* It's my life
* My dream
* And nothing's
gonna stop me now *
You're getting better, baby.
You'll get the hang of it.
All right.
What are we laughing about?
I spent the entire morning
covering a stupid dog show.
So I wrote this
to blow off some steam.
Listen to this.
"Society came out
on all fours today
"at the Fifth Annual
Pedigree Dog Show.
"Industrialist Henry Pryor
bragged that his dog
"was cheaper than his wife.
"The license was less
"and the dog came
with a fur coat."
Wait, wait, there's more.
"that when
she bent over to pet her dog
"there were reports
of a lunar eclipse."
Eclipse. That's good.
Cousin, I can't believe you
saying mean things about people.
Balki, these are
supposed to be jokes.
But, what if you hurt
somebody's feelings?
You never know who's listen.
On Mypos, we have a saying.
Enough said?
Not quite enough, no.
It says, "If you spit
into a windstorm
"you better carry
an umbrella."
Well, Balki, don't worry.
I'm not a big spitter.
No, cousin, it means
if you say something
cruel about someone
it might come back to haunt you.
Balki, this is humor.
In... In America
people pay big bucks
to go to Las Vegas
so that Joan Rivers
or Don Rickles
can insult them
in front of their loved ones.
Don Rickles? He's Wayne Newton's
favorite comedian.
That's right. That's right.
And I hear Wayne loves it
when Don makes fun
of his mustache.
So, you're making fun
of the dog show people
is like Don
making fun of Wayne?
More or less.
when they read
your article in the newspaper.
Oh, no. No, no, Balki.
This is not going
into the newspaper.
This is a joke.
Oh!
Well, can we send
the joke one to Wayne?
No, I think, uh, I'm gonna send
this to my brother Billy.
He'll get a kick out of it.
Oh, okay.
I'll just send Wayne
the peanut brittle
like I do every month.
Cousin. Cousin.
Can I try American humor?
BALKI: Okay.
Well, cousin
I guess when they
were handing out the lips
you only got one.
Why aren't you laughing?
It's hard to laugh with one lip.
Frank, what's
a five-letter word
for "Life?"
Hell.
That man is burned out.
Been working
for the crime beat too long.
I've never seen Frank
so down before.
Appleton.
LARRY: Yes, sir.
When you're finished
with the dog show story,
the publisher
wants to see it.
The publisher wants
to see my article
What's the publisher's name?
Mr. Wainwright.
The, uh...
Wainwright Kennel Club.
Are you making
the connection, Appleton?
Oh, yes. Right. Got it.
The publisher
sponsored the dog show.
Good!
See that you put it
on the publisher's desk
before you leave tonight.
Yes, sir.
Gorpley!
I'll get it to him tonight, sir.
Balki, did you hear that?
The publisher wants to read
something I wrote.
Oh!
HARRY: Appleton!
I almost forgot.
Where's that file
on the Fronzak baby
I asked for?
You didn't ask for it, sir.
Do I have to ask
for everything?
Learn to anticipate.
Where the hell is Gorpley?
Balki, do me a favor, would you?
Run the article I wrote
up to the publisher.
It's in the envelope
on my desk.
Okay.
Oh, I love Moonlighting.
Don't they have witty dialogue?
I just love when they say
How do they come up
with that stuff?
I bet Bruce Willis makes it up.
He's a funny guy.
Oh, if you think he's funny
wait until you hear
what this little curly hair
joke-meister wrote today.
Well, it wasn't really
all that funny.
Well, if you'd rather
not read it, Larry--
No, no, no.
I've got it right here.
Listen, listen, I,
I'm learning American humor.
Mary Anne, is that your hair
or did your head just explode?
It's my hair.
Balki hasn't quite
got the hang of it yet.
But listen to this.
It's hysterical,
even if I do say so myself.
Oh!
Oh!
Oh! Oh!
BALKI: Cousin,
did you swallow a hairball?
"Dog shows.
A cavalcade
of America's favorite pets."
By Larry Appleton.
"Collecting llamas may be
this country's latest fad
but man's best friend
continues to be the dog."
That's funny. Llamas.
Now, this isn't
the funny article.
You know what the publisher
must have the funny one.
Oh, boy, is he in for
a chuckle and a half.
Let's go, Mary Anne.
Why do we have to go?
I wanna find out
who won the dog show?
Now, now, now, cousin.
How could you do this?
How could you take the wrong
article to the publisher!
Don't you read the mail
before you deliver it?
Well, cousin, mailmen
don't read other people's mail
unless it's a postcard
and that we can't help it.
Right.
Oh.
Why am I blaming you?
I should have known
if I wrote two articles
one would fall
into the wrong hands.
Appleton's law.
No, he won't think it's funny.
I insulted his dog show.
Well, now, cousin,
I don't understand.
Is insults funny or not?
Sometimes it is.
Sometimes it's not.
Well, how you tell
the difference?
If you insult your boss,
it's not.
So, the Mypo saying is true!
Well, all I can say is
you better get out your umbrella
because the spit's
gonna hit the fan.
What am I gonna do?
Well, uh...
What are you going to do!
What am I going to do?
Balki, I have a bigger problem!
My job is in jeopardy!
Oh, I love that show.
You know, you know,
the irony is the publisher
would have
liked the real article
if only he had
a chance to read it.
If only I could undo
what's been done.
If only I could
switch the articles.
Why are you looking
at me like that?
Balki, you and I have to break
into the publisher's office
and switch the articles.
Oh, no, no.
Breaking in is wrong.
I'm not doing it, period.
Did I say break in?
Bad choice of words.
We have to go into
the publisher's office.
After all, you delivered
the wrong mail, didn't you?
And it's your duty
to deliver
the right mail, isn't it?
Yes, yes, yes.
Isn't it?
Anything less
would be irresponsible.
No.
Irresponsible.
I don't... I don't want
to be irresponsible.
Of course you don't.
What am I going to do?
Balki, you'll have to go down
to the publisher's office
and switch the articles.
Will you come with me?
All right.
I'll come with you.
What are cousins for?
Ah! Oh! Ah!
Cousin, explain to me again
how come we had
to climb up 11 flight of stairs.
Because if we took the elevator,
someone might see you
and find out
you delivered the wrong mail.
Oh!
I'm only trying to protect you.
Well, thank you, cousin.
Oh, well, the door's locked.
Listen, I appreciate everything
you try to do for me,
but I'm out of luck.
Now, Balki, don't you know
the mailman's oath?
"Neither rain nor sleet,
nor locked door
"shall stay these couriers
from the swift execution
"of their appointed rounds."
"Locked doors" isn't in there.
Yes, it is.
It's in the second verse.
Now, listen to me,
this is just a hunk.
But you know what I think?
I think you want to get in there
and get your article
and you don't care
anything about the mail.
Oh, oh, oh.
Balki, you're right.
I am in deep trouble.
I need your help.
Please.
If I don't get
that article back
I'm going to lose my job.
But you'll help me now,
won't you?
Cousin--
Please, please.
Stop it.
All right, I'll help you.
Thank you.
It's okay.
Would you stop it?
Sorry.
All right, now,
the door is locked.
How we going to get in?
We'll do what they did
on Moonlighting.
I do.
You do?
I do.
You do?
Credit card.
Maybe you're over
your credit limit.
Oh, great.
Okay, cousin. Maybe
we should just go home now.
Wait.
The transom.
Balki, give me a boost.
All right.
You're a snappy dresser.
Not that kind of boost.
But thank you.
Now lift me up here.
All right, ready?
Yeah.
Oh, one, two, three.
Okay, good, good.
I've got it. All right.
I'm stepping on your shoulder.
Tell me if I'm hurting you.
Give me, uh,
give me a little push.
Give me a little push.
Can you reach the knob?
I'm trying.
I'm trying.
Almost got it.
How about now?
I got it.
Let's just get the article
and get out of here.
Here it is.
All right.
Here's the real article.
The security guard.
Under the desk.
Cousin, I...
I can't help noticing
that things aren't going well.
What are we going to do?
Temporary setback.
We'll just wait
for the security guard to leave
and then we'll go back
in through the window.
That sounded like the guard
locked the window.
The guard didn't
lock the window.
Thank God.
All right, let's go back in.
Why?
Because the guard
locked the window.
Balki, you just told me
that the guard
didn't lock the window.
But that is because
you told me to tell you
that the guard
didn't lock the window.
Well, why don't we go see
if indeed the guard
locked the window.
The window is locked.
Perhaps the guard locked it.
Perhaps.
LARRY: Oh, my Lord.
What are they doing here?
Maybe there's
a donut shop down there.
And look, look.
A fire truck, too.
Hello! Hello!
Get back.
They'll see us.
Question.
Hmm? Sorry.
If they can't see us,
how they going to save us?
Balki, if they see us
they'll know we were
trying to break in.
And then
we'll be in big trouble.
Then we'll be in big trouble?
Cousin, we're up to our armpits
in sheep dip right now!
Get that spotlight
off me or I'll jump!
Frank?
Stay away!
You can't talk me out of this!
Frank, what you doing up here?
I don't know.
I'm confused.
I just came out here to think.
Well, you picked
a dangerous place to think.
Balki, he came up here
to think about suicide.
Oh, cousin.
Frank, I know you're
under a lot of pressure
but it can't be that bad.
What do you know about it?
Life stinks!
I see it every day.
Assaults, murders.
Look, robberies.
Nobody cares about anybody.
Mr. Peterson.
What are you guys
doing out here?
What are we doing out here?
We came out here to get
our friend off the ledge.
Oh, boy.
You never let up.
Not when it comes
to the life of a friend.
Frank, don't do this.
Leave me alone.
Well, we've done all we can do.
Leave this in the hands
of the professionals.
Now, cousin, cousin.
We've got to stop
thinking about ourselves
and maybe think about Frank.
Maybe he'll talk to us.
Balki, these people
have experience
with this sort of thing.
Get away from that window!
He don't won't to talk to them.
Well, I don't know
what to say to him.
Well, I...
Maybe I think of something.
All right. Go ahead.
But be careful.
One wrong word
and this man's gonna jump.
All right.
I'll be careful.
Frank.
Having a bad day?
Oh, this is Frank Jr.
He's moving up from T-Ball
to little league this year.
Oh, the kid's a natural.
Oh, I was a cesarean myself.
You know, Frank, this,
this doesn't make any sense.
You have a wonderful family.
You're one of the most respected
journalists in the city.
Why would you even think
of jumping of a building?
Because I'm sick of it.
I've been covering crime
for 12 years.
All I see all day are people
doing terrible things
to each other.
I can't take it anymore!
But, Frank,
if you, jump you'll be doing
something terrible
to your family.
Why don't you just go home
and hug your wife and children
and be glad that you're not one
of the terrible people
that you write about.
This is all so humiliating.
Thanks for staying
out here with me.
You know, Frank,
maybe you should get some help.
Cousin Larry's right.
there's a very good chance
we won't be here.
Frank, what do you say we go in?
In a minute.
This is the first
peaceful morning
I've had in 12 years.
Whoa.
What a night.
I never, never want
to go through that again.
Uh, I've learned my lesson.
All I want is a warm bed,
a soft pillow
and to put this night behind me.
Goodnight, Balki.
Goodnight, cousin.
Morning, Balki.
Morning, cousin.