Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 3, Episode 11 - The Break-In - full transcript

When Larry's joke article gets turned in by mistake, he talks Balki into helping him break into the Chronicle to exchange it for the real one.

Sometimes
the world looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Sometimes you just
get a feeling

* Like you need
some kinda change

* No matter what the odds
are this time

* Nothing's gonna
stand in my way

* This flame in my heart
like a long lost friend

* Gives every dark street
a light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dream

* Rise and fall



* On the wings of my dream

* The rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* Nothing's gonna
stop me now *

Okay, that's it.

You're official
cable subscribers.

Balki, give the man
back his belt.

Okay.
Okay.

Thanks a lot.

Ah, thank you.
You're welcome.

Bye-bye.
Bye-bye, now.

Cousin, does this mean
we're cable ready?

Yes.



Balki, that little wire

is going to change our lives.

Here. Look at this.

We never have to go
stand in line
to see a movie.

No need to join a gym.

We've got
the all-shopping channel.

We never have to go
to the mall again.

Well, we can go to the mall
once in a while.

Okay.
Oh, here. Sit down.

Sit down.

Balki, you are gonna
love this.

There's
the all-sports channel.

There's the all-news channel.

That must be
the all-music video channel.

Is that Michael Jackson
or his sister?

That's Diana Ross.

Cousin, cousin,
can I pick a channel?

Sure.
Really?

Yes, go ahead.
Oh.

What should I pick?

Pick anything you want.

You've got the control.

Anything?
Anything you want.

MAN ON TV:
And we are all tied up.

There are only
three seconds to go.

Here's the snap.
Hand-off goes
to Payton.

He's trapped.

Yes!
He's reversing
his field.

Yes! Yes!
He's starts for one.
He's--

What!

Why? Why did you
change the channel?

Well, you said that I could
pick anything that I want,

and I'm not in the mood
for football.

* A horse is a horse
Of course, of course *

Mister Ed!

* Go right to the source
and ask the horse

* He'll give you the answer
that you'll endorse

* He's always
on the steady course

* Talk to Mr. Ed *

* Who was bringing up
three very lovely girls...

BOTH: * Ta-da-da-da da *

All right, that's it.

The war is over.

Balki, it's time
to go to bed.

Balki?

Balki?

Balki?

What's shaking?
Balki, it is very,
very late.

Balki, Balki, listen to me.

Balki

Balki.

I learned that
on the all-wrestling channel.

Balki, go to bed.

Cousin, I will, I will,

as soon as
what I'm watching is over.

Ugh, how can you be
watching anything?

You keep changing
the channel.

But, cousin, it's easy.

On this channel,

And on this channel,

Arnold Schwarzenegger
is blowing up soldiers.

Oh, there goes one now.

And on this channel,

Arnold Schwarzenegger
is blowing up

drug-dealing soldiers.

I just love cable.
There's so much variety.

Balki,

go to bed.

It is almost time to get up.

But, cousin,
how will I know what happens
to Arnold Schwarzenegger?

He blows everybody up

Now get some sleep.

Okay, okay, cousin, okay.

Good night, good night.

Ah.

Maria, I'm home.

Hello.
Mailroom.

Uh, no, Balki's not here
right now, Mr. Myers.

Yeah, I'll have him
get it up to you
as soon as he gets back.

Yes, bye.

Larry, where is Balki?

He was supposed to drop off
the letters

for my advice column
over an hour ago.

Thank goodness,
my deadline's in 20 minutes.

Lydia, I know
you're busy, but, uh,

I need some advice.

Oh, well...

I am never too busy
to help a friend.

What's the problem, Larry,
can't get a date?

No, no, it's Balki.

Well, Balki shouldn't have
a problem getting a date.

No, no, this has nothing
to do with dating.

See, for the past two weeks

Balki has been glued
to the TV.

He won't go to bed at night.

What do you think
I should I do?

Lydia, what do you think?

Don't push me!

I am not good at these
spur-of-the-moment answers.

I am a small, neurotic woman

with problems
of my own, Larry.

I can't take
this kind of pressure.

Why is everyone
bothering me?

Why do all the people think
I have the answers?

Thank you.

Where is that idiot Mypiot?

He's not still
at lunch, is he?

No! No, he's here,
Mr. Gorpley.

I don't even know
if he went to lunch.

You know Balki,
he usually works

straight through
work, work, work.

Yes, something's wrong.

The managing editor sent out

an emergency
delivery yesterday

that never got there.

has fouled-up this week.

If I get one more complaint

we'll have to do something
about that, won't we?

Oh, I have an idea!

I'll fire him.

I'll make sure
he gets the message.

And you have
just a lovely, lovely--

Jerk.

Balki, did you go home
for lunch?

Did you turn on the TV?

I don't want
to talk about it.

Did you turn on
the TV?

Oh, cousin, you can read me
like a brown paper bag.

Leave It to Beaver was on.

It was a wonderful episode.

At the end, Ward said,

"Beav, no matter
what you do,

"your mother and I
will always love you."

Well, I gotta tell you,
I broke down and cried

till my eyes fell out.

Balki, you are
40 minutes late.

And Ward said that
at the end
of every episode.

Gorpley is going
to fire you.

All right, cousin, I...
I, I, I'm sorry.

I know I did wrong.

It won't happen again,
I promise.

Oh, good.
I'm glad to hear it.

Aren't you going
to forgive me
like Ward forgave the Beav?

Yes, I forgive you.
Hmm.

This stuff has got
to go up to Myers

in classified right away.

Okay, I'll get it fast.

I'm faster
than a speeding bullet!

More powerful
than a locomotive!

Able to leap small children

in a single bound!

You got
a problem there, sugar.

A couch potato?

You know,
one of those people

that spend so much time
watching TV

they end up with a butt
the size of Detroit.

Well, I think
it's just the novelty

of having 24-hour cable.

Oh, yeah?
Does he stay up all night?

No, no, not all night.

He's usually in bed
by 5:00, 6:00 in the morning

right after Gumby.

Mmm-hmm. Well, does he ever
hum the theme

from I Dream of Jeannie?

(SCATTING I DREAM OF JEANNIE
THEME MUSIC)

That's it.

You got yourself
a couch potato.

We've been robbed!

Balki.

Balki, we haven't been robbed.

I took the television.

Oh,
you took the television.

You took the television?

and what I've done
is for your own good.

You've been watching
too much television lately

and you've just got to stop.

Let me get this straight.

You're telling me that

I can't watch television.

Yes.
Yes, I see, and...

I'm telling you

give me the TV.

It's not here.

It's in a locker
at the bus station.

Oh, I see.

It's in a locker
at the bus station.

Give me the key.

I haven't got it.

I gave it to Jennifer
and Mary Anne.

They're on a flight
to Zurich.

What is this?
Some kind of sick joke?

Balki, ever since
we got cable

you spend all night
watching TV

and eating junk food.

Now, what kind
of life is that?

It's a wonderful life.

Now, cousin...

Cousin, if that's
all that's bothering you,

just sit down,
listen to this.

I can stop watching TV
anytime I want to.

You can stop anytime?

You have to ask?
Yes.

What was the question?

Of course, I can.
Then do it.

Do what?
Stop.

When?
Tonight.

Tonight?
Tonight.

Who?
You! Tonight!

Stop watching TV, tonight!

Well, all right.

We don't have a television.

I'll have to do without,
won't I?

Goodness gracious.

Great balls of fire.

So that's it?

What did I just say?

Good.

but I have to go.

Mr. Flynn wants me
to cover the hearing
at the Water Commission.

You'll be all right?
Well, I'll be fine.

I'll just sit here
and read this book.

Okay.

See you later?
See you later.

I'll just be sitting here,

Balki.

Balki.

Balki!

Where did you get that?

Crazy Al's Video.

All right, well, this has
gotten completely
out of hand.

We have to take this back.

I don't think so.

Give me the remote.

Get your own remote.

Oh, look, there's Gumby.

Oh!

You tricked Balki.

You're damn right
I tricked Balki.

Give me my remote!

Balki!

I don't want to see you
become a couch potato.

A couch potato?

Hah!

No way, Rosay.

And do you know why?

Because I have no idea
what that is.

Now give me my remote!

Balki!

A couch potato is someone

who is addicted to television.

They sit on the couch
watching it day and night.

They lose interest
in everything else.

Their life is reduced
to staring blindly

at some flickering images
on a little screen.

Is that what
you want to become?

Balki?

Balki?

What are you doing?

Is that a TV in the window
across the way?

That's a fish tank.

Oh, I thought
I was watching Sea Hunt.

Oh, God!

Now listen, cousin.

For the last time,

hand over the remote.

No.

-Balki!
-Cousin.

I want my MTV!

Balki, TV is ruining
your life.

Ever since we got cable

we don't go
to ball games anymore,

we don't go out
with Jenifer and Mary Anne,

we don't do anything.

You want to know
what you can do.

You can give me back
my remote!

All right, Balki,
take one more step

and the remote is dead meat.

You're bluffing.

Try me.

You don't have the guts.

I don't believe
you did that.

Well, believe it.
It's gone.

I don't need
a stinking remote.

I can still
turn on that television.

Why?
Because I've got this!

No, no, no. No, no.

All right, I wasn't going
to mention this,

because I thought
it would be too painful.

But you give me
no choice.

When was
the last time you wrote
a letter to your mama?

Mama?

Well, it... It was just
the other day.

Wrong!

It was over two weeks ago.

Well, that can't be.

It was...
It was right after

Time flies
when you're a potato.

There's the cable guide.

Why don't you look
and see when it was on.

Go ahead.
No.

Yes. Yes.
No. No.

Look! Look!
No.

What's today, Wednesday?
Wednesday.

It was two weeks ago.

Yes, it was.

I've never gone two weeks
without writing Mama.

She must think something
horrible has happened to me.

Something horrible
has happened to you.

Cousin, you're right.

I've turned into
a Mr. Potato Head.

What am I going to do?

Balki, television
is only bad if you abuse it.

All you have to do
is learn to be more selective

about what you watch.

Do you think
I could do that?

Of course you can,
I'll help you.

Oh, thank you, cousin.

Now, first thing
in the morning,

we'll go see Crazy Al

and return this TV.

That's a good idea.

You know,
while we're at it,

Leaving already,
Bartokomous?

Yes, Cousin Larry
surprised me.

He is taking me
to a rock concert tonight.

My life in America just keeps
getting better and better.

Isn't that nice?
Isn't it?

Did you get
the postage meter refilled?

Yes, sir, and I put
the receipit on your desk.

"Receipit"?
Receipit.

Did you copy
all those invoices?

Yes, sir, and I made
copies of the copies.

Aha, I bet you didn't get
those mail bags washed?

Oh, come on,
you weren't serious
about that, were you?

Cousin. Uh, yes, uh,
I got them washed
and ironed,

light starch, half in boxes,
half on hangers.

Anything else?

One of these days, Bartokomous,
you're going to foul up.

And when you do,
I'm going to throw a party.

Oh, thank you, sir.

And, listen, you don't have
to pay for everything.

Cousin Larry and I
will bring the little hats.

Come on, Balki,
let's get going.

Now, you sure you're ready
for a rock concert?

They might have those
big diamond-vision screens.

Cousin, nothing
I can't handle.

I've got that
TV turkey off my back.

Good.

you tell me who we're going
to go see tonight?

Chicago.

I know where we are,
I'm asking you

Chicago.
Yes, I understand.

I'm asking you

who's going to be singing
here in Chicago?

The Beatles.

Well, it was like
pulling teeth,

but thank you
for a straight answer.