Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 2, Episode 9 - Can I Get a Witness? - full transcript

Balki inadvertently takes a second job working for a criminal, and he and Larry are asked to testify against him.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

* Sometimes the world
looks perfect

* Sometimes you just

* Get a feeling like you
need some kind of change

* No matter what
the odds are this time

* Nothing's gonna
stand in my way

* This flame in my heart

* Like a long-lost friend

* Gives every dark street
a light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dream



* On the wings of my dream

* The wind and haze
I'm bound for better days

* My life, my dream

* Nothing's gonna stop me now

* Nothing's gonna stop me

* My life, my dream

* Nothing's gonna stop me now

* Nothing's gonna
stop me now *

Look at this. Balki!

They're all in
the wrong jackets.

Wayne Newton's in
Juice Newton's jacket.

There's no telling where
Olivia Newton-John is.

Elton John.

Cousin?



Something wonderful happened
to me on the way home.

Don't tell me.

You found work
as a human cannonball.

No, you big kidder.

I stopped by the newsstand
to pick up the latest edition
of Spider-Man comics

and a nice man there
offered me a delivery job.

A job? You already
have a job.

Yes, so now
we're a three-income family.

Right.

I buy you this.

Oh, well, Balki,
I don't know what to say.

Oh, well...

Oh, this is, uh...
This is, uh...

What is this?

It's a potato clock.

A potato clock?

Well, Balki, thank you.
But really,
you shouldn't have.

Oh, go...

No, I mean it.

I'm loaded.
Vince give me $50.

Who is Vince?

Vince is the man
who sits in the limousine

parked outside
the newsstand all the time.

He give me the money.

and then he does this
with his eye.

He likes Balki.

I'll bet he does.

You took a job from a man
whose office is a car?

Yes, and he's doing
pretty good.

He have two secretaries
in the back seat.

What exactly do you do
for this Vince?

Well, I take a package
from him and I deliver it
to his uncle downtown,

but it's not so simple
as it sound.

Vince says that
someone might follow me

so I must never walk
the same way twice.

So, today I walk
like this.

And tomorrow
I'm gonna walk like this.

Interesting.

Balki...
(CLEARS THROAT)

Vince is a crook!

You are obviously involved
in something illegal.

Cousin, delivering
a package is illegal?

Well, it could be
depending on what's in it.

What's in it?

I don't know.

Well, then, how do you
know it's illegal?

Because the package
belongs to a man

So?
They are not secretaries.

What is your point?

Which is why you
get into these messes
and I have to bail you out.

Now when is
your next delivery?

Tomorrow at lunch.

Cousin, I told you,
I don't have time
to stop here.

I have to make a delivery.

Uh, cousin, no.
Vince told me not to stop.

I have to deliver
this package.

We have to find out
what's inside it.

You could be smuggling drugs!

Cousin, we can't open it.
Vince told me not to.

That's exactly why
we have to open it.

No.
Balki.

Now we're going to open it.

Balki.

Give me that package!
Can't you spell?

Just try to--

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING CONTINUES)

I'm going to lunch.

Look at all the money.

Poor Vince must have
given me the wrong package.

Oh, yes,
I know how that can be.

Balki, Vince is
running numbers.

Well, of course he is.
Don't be ridiculous.

And you thought
he was doing something illegal.

They send people
to prison for that,
and you're involved.

they won't let me
become a citizen.

What I'm going to do?
All right, don't panic.

First thing to do
is tape up this package.

Get some tape.

You're gonna have to
take this back to Vince

and give him
back his $50.

All right, first we're
gonna have to take care
of these customers.

Okay? All right.

Uh, may we help you?

I think so. Police.

We've been following you
for a half hour.

You two are under arrest.

What?
Spread 'em.

Oh. Stop it, stop it.

Are we in trouble?

Yes. Yes, we're in trouble!

You have the right
to remain silent.

can and will be used
against you
in a court of law.

Thank you for picking us
up at the police station.

We were so worried
about you.

Well, it was pretty grim.

Cousin, they grilled me.
You fainted.

Well, it was hot
under those lights.

I'm glad they believed
you were innocent.

What did they do
about Vince?

Well, thanks to yours truly,
Vince was arrested.

The police practically
begged us to testify
at his arraignment tomorrow.

We are part of
the State v. Vince Lucas.

The police say
that he's involved

in all kinds
of illegal things.

Gambling is just
a tip of the ice cube.

You know, I think he's
the same jerk that was
bothering Mary Anne and me.

Why do people let him
get away with such things?

Well, I guess they're afraid.

But we do.

I just love it
when you talk like that.

Yeah, well.

A man's got to do
what a...man's got to do.

Uh, we'd better
let you get some rest.

You have a big day
in court tomorrow.

We'll, uh, see you down at,
uh, the courthouse tomorrow.

Good night, Balki.

You struck out, huh?

Well, you know, we're gonna
be doing a good thing

for the community
by putting Vince away.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

I'll get it.

Jennifer probably
wants to tell me

how proud she is
of me...in private.

(HUMMING)

Oh, my God. It's Vince!

Well, he probably
just wants to apologize
for getting us in trouble.

VINCE: Open the door!

Uh, this is not
a good time.

Uh, uh,
the place is a mess.

Uh, if you had
called first--

Vince, huh, hi.

Come on in.

Our door is always open.

Especially now.

Oh, hey,
heard you got busted.

Us, too.

You get a smart lawyer,
he'll get you off.

You won't do
a dime's worth of time.

You'll walk.
Yeah... Walk.

Can I talk now?
Sure.

I once had a guy named Lenny
who delivered packages for me.

He decided to sing.
Now, Lenny's with the angels.

Lenny's a singing
baseball player?

(CHUCKLES)

Let me try again.

Testify tomorrow and you'll be
holding your breath forever.

You got it?
Got it.

I don't got it.

If you hold your
breath forever, you--

Got it.

(SIGHS)

So... These are
the halls of justice.

Where are
the Halls of Montezuma?

They're in another building.

MAN: Excuse me.

Boy, am I glad
you guys showed up.

My case is falling apart.

Seven of the witnesses
suddenly got amnesia.

Well, you've still got
the eighth, don't you?

The eighth?
Can't find him at all.

What do you mean,
"Can't find"?

He just disappeared.
Go figure.

Balki, there are no
other witnesses. Just us.

Cousin, there's nothing
to worry about.

"Nothing to worry about"?

One of the witnesses
disappeared!

We have the whole
legal system behind us.

Hi, Balki, Larry,
this is so exciting.

Yes, isn't it?

Well, break a leg.

Balki...we can't testify.

What?

No. See, you don't understand.

If we testify
against this man,
he's going to kill us.

Cousin, we have
to go over there
and say what we know.

It's the right thing to do.

It's not like we're taking
a big bite out of crime.

I mean, if we testify
maybe we'll put away
one small-time criminal,

but someone else
will just take his place.
It's not worth dying for.

Psst!

Psst! Psst.

Uh, Mr. O'Day,
we've been thinking,

and we're not sure that
we can identify the man.

I mean,
it was awfully dark.

Right. Right.

I don't know
how to say this. Uh, but--

You've been thinking it over
and you've decided
not to testify?

Well, only in
the legal sense.

There goes my case.

All rise.

This hearing
is now in session.

The honorable
Francis T. Ceretto presiding.

Oh! I was hoping
for Judge Wapner.

Uh, Your Honor,
I'm, uh, sorry to say

that the State has
suffered a minor setback.

We have no witnesses.

Now, I'd call that a setback.

Well, if there
are no witnesses,
there's no case.

So I'm gonna--
BALKI: Please, please.

I am a witness.

He's not a witness witness,
he's a...Jehovah's Witness.

You can't do this.

Cousin, I have to do this.

Vince used me.

My honor is at stake.

My honor.

You don't mess around
with a Mypiot's honor.

Your Honor, the State would
like to call Balki Bartokomous.

Uh, one, uh, two,
uh, one, two--

Mr. Bartokomous,
you're supposed
to sit up there.

Really?
Yes.

Right next to the judge?
Yes.

Wow.

Hi.

Nice robes.

Please, uh, sit down.

Raise your right hand.

Do you swear
to tell the truth,

the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth?

Well, of course I do.
Don't be ridiculous.

Then, after Vince kicked down
our door and threatened us,

I went to sleep,
because I said to myself,

I said, "Balki,
you should go to sleep

"because tomorrow you're
going to have to go to court

"and testify,
and you don't want to have

"those big, black circles
under your eyes."

Like...

Cousin, you know
when you leave the eggs
in the pan too long

and they get all black
around the edges.

Your Honor!

Mr. Dunne.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Mr. Bartokomous...

I think it's rather obvious
that you're an immigrant.

So, let's stop
beating around the bush.

Why did
you come to America?

Oh, because when
I'm a little, small boy

I dream to come to America.

The land of the free,

the home of the braves.

And my dream was
to travel all over
this land.

From California
to the New York island.

From the Redwood forest...

to the Gulf Stream water.

This land
was made for you...

And me.

And if I had a hammer--
I see!

Yes, America,
a land of beauty,
a land of freedom,

a land of...opportunity?

Yes. It's a wonderful country.

So you came to get rich.
Didn't you?

I did.
Aha! So you admit!

You came here to get rich!

No.
Which is it? Yes or no?

I object!

You can't object!

Uh, who is this person?

That's Cousin Larry.

Cousin Larry, sit down.

I submit to the court
that this Balki Bartokomous--

Is that a Russian name?

No, it's Myposian.

I submit that Mr. Bartokomous
came to this country
with good intentions,

but when he discovered
that Americans, in fact,

work for a living, he decided
to take an easier route...

And that's when he
attempted to recruit my client

to join him
in his heinous plan,
illegal gambling.

Balki is being abused
by this ambulance chaser!

Your Honor.

Well, I don't care!

Okay.

Your Honor, the defense
moves that the charges
in this case be dismissed.

Uh, Mr. O'Day, unless there
are any other witnesses

to substantiate
Mr. Bartokomous' testimony,

I am afraid I'm going to
have to dismiss the charges.

How can you do that?

He's a bad man.

And you have
to take him away

because the good people
have to be safe.

How can this happen
in America?

It happens.

Uh, well, I have no choice
but to release the defendant.

Now wait a minute.

(LARRY SCOFFS)

Your Honor,
guys like Vince are allowed

to walk the streets,
because people like me

are afraid to
testify against them.

While this man,
who's not even
an American yet,

is up there risking
his life to do what's right.

(STUTTERS) Well, I...
I'm ashamed of myself.

Is this rambling
taking us any place?

Yes, it is.

I can back up
everything this man said.

I want to testify.

(CHEERING)

You're making
a big mistake.

My life is full
of big mistakes.

You can threaten us
all you want,

but we're still
gonna testify.

We're gonna send you up
the river without a poodle.

(CROWD CHEERING)

(KEYS JINGLING)

We're gonna have
to get that fixed.

Right.

Balki, I don't believe it.

(SIGHS)

I saw a side of myself today
that I never saw before.

Cousin, I saw that side, too.

It wasn't pretty.

Do you mind?
I'm trying to resurrect
a modicum of dignity here.

Oh, cousin, you got modicums
you don't even know about.

It just took a while
to get past all that fear.

Yeah, well... I'm sorry
I almost let you down.

Cousin, you don't have
to apologize to me.

When it really counted,
you came through
and I should thank you.

Thank you.

Well, the important
thing is, because of you,

Vince is out of business
for a long, long time.

I hope his secretaries
get work.

You know, buddy,
I fell apart a little
in court today,

but deep down inside,

I knew things
would work out.

you gotta show 'em
who's boss.

You gotta show 'em
they can't make you
run and hide.

Huh? Huh?

(PHONE RINGING)

(CHUCKLES)

Hello?

Just... Just a minute.

two plane reservations
to Buenos Aires.

I'll take this.

(IN SPANISH ACCENT)
This is Jose Vasquez.

No, no, I won't
be needing those tickets.

Yeah. Vaya con Dios
to you, too.

(CLEARS THROAT)

You gotta show 'em
they can't push you around.

You're not buying this,
are you?
No way, Jose.