Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 2, Episode 2 - Hunks Like Us - full transcript
The guys join a gym so Larry can impress a woman, but they overdo it just a bit.
* Sometimes the world
looks perfect
* Nothin' to rearrange
* Sometimes you just
get a feelin'
* Like you need
some kind of change
* No matter what
the odds are this time
* Nothing's gonna stand
in my way
* This flame in my heart
like a long lost friend
* Gives every dark street
a light at the end
* Standing tall
* On the wings of my dream
* On the wings of my dream
* The rain and thunder,
the wind and haze
* I'm bound for better days
* It's my life and my dream
* Nothing's going to
stop me now
* It's my life
and my dream
* Nothing's going to
stop me now
* Nothing's
going to stop me now *
Oh, nice job.
Thank you.
You finally found a task
worthy of your talent.
Cousin Larry,
congratulate me.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
Why?
Because today,
I joined a healthy club.
Now, why did you have to
do something like that?
Because, you see this?
Body fat. You don't need it.
But with aerobic exercise
and weight resistance,
you can whittle away
that disgusting body bag
of fat you got
and reap
cardiovascular benefits...
Balki, some of these clubs
are just out to rip you off.
What does that mean?
Turnip, turnip, turnip.
They sell memberships
to maroons like you
and then, uh, split town
with all the dough.
Wish I had thought of that.
Do you want to join with me?
Not on your life.
This river runs too deep.
You would meet women
in tight leotards.
Women who go to those clubs
aren't interested in guys
like you and me.
You're wasting your money.
Well, if you say don't join,
I don't join.
Don't join.
Don't say that.
Okay, I call and cancel
my membership.
Good.
But how I'm going
to get exercise?
Hey, hey, hey.
You want exercise?
I got 50 cases of motor oil
in the stockroom.
Why don't you work out
on those?
And you say he doesn't
care about me.
May I help you?
Well, I'm Balki
Bartokomous'... Cousin.
Larry Appleton.
I sold Balki a membership to
the Perfect Body Health Club.
He was so excited,
he forgot to sign
the application.
Oh, you're
with Perfect Body?
Part-time. Are you a member?
Uh, me? Uh, no.
But I was thinking of joining
a health club again.
Well, Reuben's Perfect Body
is the place.
I can see that.
I mean, I would hope so.
Jennifer. That was quick.
I didn't even call you yet.
What do you mean?
Well, what he means is,
he was gonna call you, uh...
To tell you that I wanted
to join the club with him.
No, cousin, you said--
Balki, I think you better
let me explain this.
Balki. Excuse me.
This river--
We'll be right back.
What are you trying to do?
You can't.
I am in love with her.
Did I miss something?
I think we are going
to spend the rest
of our lives together.
Not you and me.
But, did you ask her out?
(SCOFFING)
You can take the boy
out of Mypos...
Women like this
are only interested in jocks.
I can't just ask her out.
I have to deceive her first.
Uh, excuse me, guys,
but I have to get back to work.
Could you sign this?
Well, I guess I could.
I'll have to skip
my 15-mile run.
Good. Well, I'll see you
both tomorrow morning.
Okay.
Thanks.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
Bye, Jennifer.
You run 15 miles every day?
What do you do,
get up real early
before I'm awake?
Yes.
So many women.
So little body fat.
All right, look.
Here are the ground rules.
I saw her first.
But I lusted after her first.
This is America.
Learn the customs.
I never heard of that custom.
It's new. Come on.
All right. Now,
I'm gonna hit the weights.
Watch and learn.
You know, there's
a lot of weight
on there.
You probably
wanna lower it.
Nah.
No pain, no gain.
That other man
must have been
doing it wrong.
That's right.
Now, help me down.
This is fun.
Don't. Just get me down.
Hi, guys.
Hi.
Hi.
I'm about to start
an advanced aerobics class,
but there's a beginning one
going on in five minutes.
Well, uh, Jennifer,
I think we can handle
the advanced class.
INSTRUCTOR: Okay,
let's all start off
by doing a little
jogging in place.
Jog, two, three, four...
...six, seven, eight, jog,
two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight.
Jog, two, three, four...
This is an advanced class?
(SCOFFS) It's a joke.
So, uh, Jennifer,
you're not going
with anyone, are you?
INSTRUCTOR: And arms.
Hi. I'm Mary Ann.
I'm a Sagittarius.
Do you want to
go out with me?
I'd love to.
I think I just reaped
a cardiovascular benefit.
(PANTING AND GRUNTING)
(BALKI GRUNTING)
(GRUNTING)
(CHUCKLES)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
You guys look tired.
Tired? (CHUCKLES)
Jennifer, tired is a state
of mind. (CHUCKLING)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
And my mind is oatmeal.
Cousin?
Huh?
We have been
here four hours.
Are you going to
ask her out or what?
I'm going to.
I'm going to.
I'm not here
for my health,
you know?
I just haven't found
the right moment yet.
Well, we had a lot
of spare moments
during that 400 sit-ups
we had to do.
I feel like
I gave birth to an ox.
Well... Well,
I can't ask her now. I'm...
I'm all sweaty.
One...
Two...
(IN DEEP VOICE) 68, 69...
(PANTING)
I want you to know,
in Mypos, we have a saying.
(SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
It says, "He who hesitates
sleeps with the goats."
I thought you all slept
with the goats.
We do.
And this goat sleeper
just asked Jennifer
if she'd go out with you.
You-- You what?
I am going to deport you
in pieces.
Help me unbuckle this.
I don't think so.
(EXCLAIMS)
What?
You scheming, girl-poaching--
She said yes.
Oh, thank you,
thank you, thank you.
(INDISTINCT MUMBLING)
(EXCLAIMS)
Never knew a workout
could make you feel so...
I feel...
Massive!
I feel pumped up.
I am Conehead the Barbarian.
Well, nothing like
a tough workout
to make you feel alive.
(LAUGHS)
So you thought
the workout was tough, huh?
Did I say tough?
I meant challenging.
In fact, I found myself
wanting it to be
more challenging.
Didn't you?
Oh, yes.
You're not tired, are you?
Oh, no.
You know, Balki,
in six hours, two women--
Let me amend that.
Two gorgeous women
are coming to this apartment.
You know what that means,
don't you?
(CHUCKLING)
What are we talking about?
Okay. Balki,
for your benefit...
I think we should
identify our objective.
Is this where you
talk down to me?
Yes.
Now, here's the plan.
What we are trying
to achieve
is physical contact.
Now, how do we achieve
physical contact?
Begging?
Oh.
Dancing.
Cousin Larry,
you are a genius!
We'll dance, we'll eat,
we'll drink with visitors.
But first, we'll rest.
Neither am I.
(GROANS)
We better stockpile
some right now.
Well, if we have to.
Hey, this is no fun
for me, either.
I just hate sitting around
like a bump on a frog.
And if we can't sleep,
we'll go for a run.
Ow.
Ow.
Oh, my gosh.
What time is it?
Ow.
Ow.
Ow...
Oh! Oh! Oh!
It's almost 8:00.
Balki. Oh. Balki.
We overslept and died.
(GRUNTING)
Balki.
(SCREAMS)
A little sore?
I think we overdid
the workout a little.
Or you threw me
out the window.
Balki, it's almost 8:00.
The girls are gonna
be here any minute.
(GROANING AND GRUNTING)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Ow.
I have to call
and cancel the date.
Are you crazy?
No, are you?
Where are you going?
Oh, no, you're not.
Oh, yes, I am.
Oh, no, you're not.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
No, you don't.
Ow! Ow! Ow!
(KNOCKING)
It's too late.
They're here.
I'll tell them
to come back in a month.
If they find out
we're this sore
after one workout,
they'll drop us like that.
(SNAPS FINGERS)
Ow.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Yes, please.
I want Jennifer.
Okay.
(KNOCKING)
(GRUNTING)
Help me open the door.
All right. You get
the top, you get the top,
you get the top.
Turn, turn.
Open, open.
Hi, hi, hello.
Hello.
Come on in.
Hi.
Why is it
so dark in here?
Okay, Balki, come on.
You guys are walking funny.
Are you sore from your workout?
Yes--
Oh, of course not.
Not at all.
So, uh, why don't
we just sit down
and talk and get to know
one another?
(BOTH YELL)
Karate.
Karate yells.
We're into, uh,
many, many sports.
We have wine and cheese.
Oh! (CHUCKLES)
Well, why don't we...
I'm starving.
Well, uh, Balki,
why don't you go get it?
You brought it up.
Why don't you
help me go get it?
Excuse us.
You guys do everything
together, don't you?
(CHUCKLES)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
JENNIFER: Need any help?
Yes--
No, no, no!
No, of course not.
You just, uh,
make yourselves comfortable.
LARRY: All right,
all right, Balki.
You get the cheese.
I'll get the wine.
(GRUNTING)
(YELLS IN PAIN)
Ow. Ow.
Out of cheese.
Help me open the wine.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Where's Larry?
Oh, he's...
On the floor.
Doing sit-ups.
We have wine and...
No glasses.
Oh, here we go,
here are some glasses.
Here we go.
(GRUNTING)
(BOTH YELL)
Wine?
We don't drink.
Hey, why don't we dance?
We can dance.
No, we can't.
Yes, we can.
No, we can't.
We can dance. We can dance.
No!
We will dance.
No dance.
You're not gonna fight
over this, are you?
Fight? We can hardly move.
I have a confession to make.
We are not the jerks
you thought we were.
Jocks.
Well, we figured
the way you guys
overdid it this morning,
you'd be pretty sore.
Well, we were worried
that if you thought--
You didn't think just
because we work out,
we're only interested
in hunks?
(SCOFFING)
Well, yes.
We did.
Yeah, well, uh, I did.
and I'm slime.
And I guess
you'll probably want
to leave now.
I'm sorry.
Well, maybe we'll stay.
As long as
you've learned your lesson.
Oh, yes, I have.
I have, I have.
Tell you what.
Why don't you guys sit down?
We'll go get the cheese
out of the trash.
(BOTH YELL)
BALKI: Good night.
LARRY: Bye-bye.
Now, you see,
those were two nice ladies.
They were not just interested
in our semi-hard bodies.
Yeah.
Oh, I don't know.
I guess it's because
in high school,
the cheerleaders always
dated the jocks instead
of guys like me.
I mean, the girls
in the Latin Club were fine.
But just once,
I wanted a cheerleader.
I mean,
I really wanted a cheerleader.
I mean, I really
wanted a cheerleader.
Cousin, calm down,
you're going to hurt yourself.
Well, what do you
wanna do now?
Well, we could watch TV.
Who's gonna turn it on?
Stereo is way over there.
We could go to sleep.
Good night.
BOTH: Ow.
looks perfect
* Nothin' to rearrange
* Sometimes you just
get a feelin'
* Like you need
some kind of change
* No matter what
the odds are this time
* Nothing's gonna stand
in my way
* This flame in my heart
like a long lost friend
* Gives every dark street
a light at the end
* Standing tall
* On the wings of my dream
* On the wings of my dream
* The rain and thunder,
the wind and haze
* I'm bound for better days
* It's my life and my dream
* Nothing's going to
stop me now
* It's my life
and my dream
* Nothing's going to
stop me now
* Nothing's
going to stop me now *
Oh, nice job.
Thank you.
You finally found a task
worthy of your talent.
Cousin Larry,
congratulate me.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
Why?
Because today,
I joined a healthy club.
Now, why did you have to
do something like that?
Because, you see this?
Body fat. You don't need it.
But with aerobic exercise
and weight resistance,
you can whittle away
that disgusting body bag
of fat you got
and reap
cardiovascular benefits...
Balki, some of these clubs
are just out to rip you off.
What does that mean?
Turnip, turnip, turnip.
They sell memberships
to maroons like you
and then, uh, split town
with all the dough.
Wish I had thought of that.
Do you want to join with me?
Not on your life.
This river runs too deep.
You would meet women
in tight leotards.
Women who go to those clubs
aren't interested in guys
like you and me.
You're wasting your money.
Well, if you say don't join,
I don't join.
Don't join.
Don't say that.
Okay, I call and cancel
my membership.
Good.
But how I'm going
to get exercise?
Hey, hey, hey.
You want exercise?
I got 50 cases of motor oil
in the stockroom.
Why don't you work out
on those?
And you say he doesn't
care about me.
May I help you?
Well, I'm Balki
Bartokomous'... Cousin.
Larry Appleton.
I sold Balki a membership to
the Perfect Body Health Club.
He was so excited,
he forgot to sign
the application.
Oh, you're
with Perfect Body?
Part-time. Are you a member?
Uh, me? Uh, no.
But I was thinking of joining
a health club again.
Well, Reuben's Perfect Body
is the place.
I can see that.
I mean, I would hope so.
Jennifer. That was quick.
I didn't even call you yet.
What do you mean?
Well, what he means is,
he was gonna call you, uh...
To tell you that I wanted
to join the club with him.
No, cousin, you said--
Balki, I think you better
let me explain this.
Balki. Excuse me.
This river--
We'll be right back.
What are you trying to do?
You can't.
I am in love with her.
Did I miss something?
I think we are going
to spend the rest
of our lives together.
Not you and me.
But, did you ask her out?
(SCOFFING)
You can take the boy
out of Mypos...
Women like this
are only interested in jocks.
I can't just ask her out.
I have to deceive her first.
Uh, excuse me, guys,
but I have to get back to work.
Could you sign this?
Well, I guess I could.
I'll have to skip
my 15-mile run.
Good. Well, I'll see you
both tomorrow morning.
Okay.
Thanks.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
Bye, Jennifer.
You run 15 miles every day?
What do you do,
get up real early
before I'm awake?
Yes.
So many women.
So little body fat.
All right, look.
Here are the ground rules.
I saw her first.
But I lusted after her first.
This is America.
Learn the customs.
I never heard of that custom.
It's new. Come on.
All right. Now,
I'm gonna hit the weights.
Watch and learn.
You know, there's
a lot of weight
on there.
You probably
wanna lower it.
Nah.
No pain, no gain.
That other man
must have been
doing it wrong.
That's right.
Now, help me down.
This is fun.
Don't. Just get me down.
Hi, guys.
Hi.
Hi.
I'm about to start
an advanced aerobics class,
but there's a beginning one
going on in five minutes.
Well, uh, Jennifer,
I think we can handle
the advanced class.
INSTRUCTOR: Okay,
let's all start off
by doing a little
jogging in place.
Jog, two, three, four...
...six, seven, eight, jog,
two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight.
Jog, two, three, four...
This is an advanced class?
(SCOFFS) It's a joke.
So, uh, Jennifer,
you're not going
with anyone, are you?
INSTRUCTOR: And arms.
Hi. I'm Mary Ann.
I'm a Sagittarius.
Do you want to
go out with me?
I'd love to.
I think I just reaped
a cardiovascular benefit.
(PANTING AND GRUNTING)
(BALKI GRUNTING)
(GRUNTING)
(CHUCKLES)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
You guys look tired.
Tired? (CHUCKLES)
Jennifer, tired is a state
of mind. (CHUCKLING)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
And my mind is oatmeal.
Cousin?
Huh?
We have been
here four hours.
Are you going to
ask her out or what?
I'm going to.
I'm going to.
I'm not here
for my health,
you know?
I just haven't found
the right moment yet.
Well, we had a lot
of spare moments
during that 400 sit-ups
we had to do.
I feel like
I gave birth to an ox.
Well... Well,
I can't ask her now. I'm...
I'm all sweaty.
One...
Two...
(IN DEEP VOICE) 68, 69...
(PANTING)
I want you to know,
in Mypos, we have a saying.
(SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
It says, "He who hesitates
sleeps with the goats."
I thought you all slept
with the goats.
We do.
And this goat sleeper
just asked Jennifer
if she'd go out with you.
You-- You what?
I am going to deport you
in pieces.
Help me unbuckle this.
I don't think so.
(EXCLAIMS)
What?
You scheming, girl-poaching--
She said yes.
Oh, thank you,
thank you, thank you.
(INDISTINCT MUMBLING)
(EXCLAIMS)
Never knew a workout
could make you feel so...
I feel...
Massive!
I feel pumped up.
I am Conehead the Barbarian.
Well, nothing like
a tough workout
to make you feel alive.
(LAUGHS)
So you thought
the workout was tough, huh?
Did I say tough?
I meant challenging.
In fact, I found myself
wanting it to be
more challenging.
Didn't you?
Oh, yes.
You're not tired, are you?
Oh, no.
You know, Balki,
in six hours, two women--
Let me amend that.
Two gorgeous women
are coming to this apartment.
You know what that means,
don't you?
(CHUCKLING)
What are we talking about?
Okay. Balki,
for your benefit...
I think we should
identify our objective.
Is this where you
talk down to me?
Yes.
Now, here's the plan.
What we are trying
to achieve
is physical contact.
Now, how do we achieve
physical contact?
Begging?
Oh.
Dancing.
Cousin Larry,
you are a genius!
We'll dance, we'll eat,
we'll drink with visitors.
But first, we'll rest.
Neither am I.
(GROANS)
We better stockpile
some right now.
Well, if we have to.
Hey, this is no fun
for me, either.
I just hate sitting around
like a bump on a frog.
And if we can't sleep,
we'll go for a run.
Ow.
Ow.
Oh, my gosh.
What time is it?
Ow.
Ow.
Ow...
Oh! Oh! Oh!
It's almost 8:00.
Balki. Oh. Balki.
We overslept and died.
(GRUNTING)
Balki.
(SCREAMS)
A little sore?
I think we overdid
the workout a little.
Or you threw me
out the window.
Balki, it's almost 8:00.
The girls are gonna
be here any minute.
(GROANING AND GRUNTING)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Ow.
I have to call
and cancel the date.
Are you crazy?
No, are you?
Where are you going?
Oh, no, you're not.
Oh, yes, I am.
Oh, no, you're not.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
No, you don't.
Ow! Ow! Ow!
(KNOCKING)
It's too late.
They're here.
I'll tell them
to come back in a month.
If they find out
we're this sore
after one workout,
they'll drop us like that.
(SNAPS FINGERS)
Ow.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Yes, please.
I want Jennifer.
Okay.
(KNOCKING)
(GRUNTING)
Help me open the door.
All right. You get
the top, you get the top,
you get the top.
Turn, turn.
Open, open.
Hi, hi, hello.
Hello.
Come on in.
Hi.
Why is it
so dark in here?
Okay, Balki, come on.
You guys are walking funny.
Are you sore from your workout?
Yes--
Oh, of course not.
Not at all.
So, uh, why don't
we just sit down
and talk and get to know
one another?
(BOTH YELL)
Karate.
Karate yells.
We're into, uh,
many, many sports.
We have wine and cheese.
Oh! (CHUCKLES)
Well, why don't we...
I'm starving.
Well, uh, Balki,
why don't you go get it?
You brought it up.
Why don't you
help me go get it?
Excuse us.
You guys do everything
together, don't you?
(CHUCKLES)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
JENNIFER: Need any help?
Yes--
No, no, no!
No, of course not.
You just, uh,
make yourselves comfortable.
LARRY: All right,
all right, Balki.
You get the cheese.
I'll get the wine.
(GRUNTING)
(YELLS IN PAIN)
Ow. Ow.
Out of cheese.
Help me open the wine.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Where's Larry?
Oh, he's...
On the floor.
Doing sit-ups.
We have wine and...
No glasses.
Oh, here we go,
here are some glasses.
Here we go.
(GRUNTING)
(BOTH YELL)
Wine?
We don't drink.
Hey, why don't we dance?
We can dance.
No, we can't.
Yes, we can.
No, we can't.
We can dance. We can dance.
No!
We will dance.
No dance.
You're not gonna fight
over this, are you?
Fight? We can hardly move.
I have a confession to make.
We are not the jerks
you thought we were.
Jocks.
Well, we figured
the way you guys
overdid it this morning,
you'd be pretty sore.
Well, we were worried
that if you thought--
You didn't think just
because we work out,
we're only interested
in hunks?
(SCOFFING)
Well, yes.
We did.
Yeah, well, uh, I did.
and I'm slime.
And I guess
you'll probably want
to leave now.
I'm sorry.
Well, maybe we'll stay.
As long as
you've learned your lesson.
Oh, yes, I have.
I have, I have.
Tell you what.
Why don't you guys sit down?
We'll go get the cheese
out of the trash.
(BOTH YELL)
BALKI: Good night.
LARRY: Bye-bye.
Now, you see,
those were two nice ladies.
They were not just interested
in our semi-hard bodies.
Yeah.
Oh, I don't know.
I guess it's because
in high school,
the cheerleaders always
dated the jocks instead
of guys like me.
I mean, the girls
in the Latin Club were fine.
But just once,
I wanted a cheerleader.
I mean,
I really wanted a cheerleader.
I mean, I really
wanted a cheerleader.
Cousin, calm down,
you're going to hurt yourself.
Well, what do you
wanna do now?
Well, we could watch TV.
Who's gonna turn it on?
Stereo is way over there.
We could go to sleep.
Good night.
BOTH: Ow.