Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 2, Episode 19 - Snow Way to Treat a Lady: Part 2 - full transcript

I have great news.

We're going skiing.

No way are you getting me
up on that mountain.

Hi, Larry.
Ready to hit the slopes?

As soon as we get up there,
I'll insist we go for one run

before the lifts close.

Then, after about 100 yards

and spend the rest
of the weekend getting
sympathy from Jennifer.

Well, in Mypos, we've got
a saying.

It says, "He who lies
falls into a deep pit."

I'm skiing. Ooh!



Ahh! Oh!

We slide down the wrong side
of the mountain,

wander around for two hours,

and now we're stuck
in this cabin

with the girls
for the whole night.

You don't have
to thank me now.

I think we just
had an earthquake.

They don't have
earthquakes in Wisconsin.

It was probably just
an avalanche.

Mmm.

ALL: Avalanche!

Cousin Larry!

Oh, cousin,
we're buried alive.

Not for long.



Very soon
we'll all be dead.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

* Sometimes the world
looks perfect

* Nothin' to rearrange

* Sometimes you just
get a feeling

* Like you need
some kind of change

* No matter what
the odds are this time

* Nothing's going
to stand in my way

* This flame in my heart

* Like a long-lost friend

* Gives every dark street
a light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dream

* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dream

* The rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life and my dream

* Nothing's going to stop me
Nothing's going to stop me

* It's my life and my dream

* Nothing's going
to stop me now

* Nothing's going
to stop me now *

(WIND HOWLING)

We're trapped.

Exactly what do
you mean, "trapped"?

we can't get out
unless we have

an out-of-body experience.

I was afraid
that's what she meant.

All right, all right.
Let's not panic.

What are we going to do?
We're gonna die.

I don't wanna die.
I wanna leave, now.

Jennifer, you can't
go anywhere.

Out of my way, blondie.

Jennifer, Jennifer.

Don't talk
to your friend like that.

If we're going
to meet our maker,
we got to make nice.

All right.
Balki's right.

Let's try to accept
our fate with dignity.

I don't wanna
go out with dignity.

I don't wanna
go out at all.

Won't the ski patrol
find us?

Jennifer, a mountain
just fell on us.

They won't find our bodies
until after the spring thaw.

What are you doing?

Well, just because I'm gonna die
doesn't mean I have to look bad.

Larry, can't you think
of a way to get us
out of here?

I will.

I will.

I am going to find
a way out of here.

Larry, there is
no way out of here.

Balki, she's right.

There's no way out of here.

We are going to die.

Cousin, you're being
a little negative.

Really?

Now, let's look
at the good side.

We're still alive.

We have blankets
to keep us warm.

We have the sun in the morning
and the moon at night.

We have a nice roof
to keep us dry.

(ROOF CREAKING)

The roof is
going to collapse.
So much for staying dry.

Oh, Mary Anne.
Oh, Jennifer.

Oh, Balki.
Oh, please.

Listen, forget your troubles.
Come on, get happy.

You've got to chase
all your cares away.

Balki has a plan.
Come on.

I knew you'd think of something.
You know, you are brilliant.

Oh!
You are.

You are very good
under pressure.

Oh!

Now, what's the plan?
I don't have a plan.

We have got to have a plan.
Well, I'll think of a plan.

When?
Well, I--

Stop blowing on me.
I'm not a dandelion.

Hi.
Hi.

Is anything wrong?

Oh-oh-oh. Wrong?
No. No.

Nope, no. Uh...

Why don't you girls
just entertain yourselves

and we'll get
right back to you?

Because we...
We have a very,
very complicated plan

and we need to work out
the very fine details.

They're going to be very
disappointed, aren't they?

No, I don't think so.

Because I just
thought of a plan.

You did? What's the plan?

We're going to dig
a tunnel out of here.

That's the plan?

We're going to dig
a tunnel through the snow?

That is correct.
Balki, if we dig a tunnel

it'll collapse and we will
be crushed to death.

(CREAKING)

All right, here's the plan.

Watch it. I asked you
to keep it on the paper.

We don't wanna make a mess.

You're expecting guests?

Hammer.
Hammer.

(WHISTLES)

Balki, I don't understand.

How can you whistle
at a time like this?

(WHISTLES)

I enjoy my work.

Aren't you afraid?

Oh, cousin.
Of course, I'm afraid.

But a wise man once said,

"We have nothing to fear
but fear itself."

He said it too?

He must have heard it
from my father.

My father taught me
how to deal with fear.

He said, "You take that fear
and you mush it into a ball

"and you put it
in your pocket.

"And then you know where it is,
and it can't hurt you."

Put your fear
in your pocket?

and put it in your pocket,
just like this.

Take this,
put it in your pocket.

(GASPS)

Well, it's right
where I want it.

(EXHALES HEAVILY)

(LOUD RUMBLING)

Cave-in.
Crawl for your life!

Feet in the bucket,
feet in the bucket,
feet in the bucket.

Feet in the bucket,
feet in the bucket,
feet in the bucket.

Cousin?

Cousin. Come back.

You know, it wasn't
a cave-in after all.

It just was
a little bit of snow
falling from the ceiling.

Balki, a little bit
of snow falling

from the ceiling
is a cave-in.

Well, the tunnel
didn't close up.

It's... It's still open.

Look. See?

Right.

Well, I guess we should...

We should go back
and keep digging, huh?

Yeah.

What have we got to lose?

The girls are
depending on us.

It's our only chance.

Okay? Here we go.

Yes, sir,
we're moving now.

Balki.

I'm sorry I got you
into this mess.

Can you forgive me?

Oh, cousin.

Of course, I can.

I always forgive you.

You're my family.

If it wasn't for you,
I wouldn't be where I am today.

Thanks. Balki, I feel
bad enough as it is.

We can lick this.

Yeah.

Guess we've made
a pretty good team,
haven't we?

You got that right.

Except for this ski trip,
it's been great.

Come on,
let's get back to work.

Where there's a will,
there's a way.

Onward and upward.

Oh, cousin. I had no idea
we had come so far.

I'm exhausted.

(WHISTLES)

Balki. Balki, Balki.

We're gonna have
to start bearing

a little bit to the right.

Oh, no, no, no.
LARRY: Yes.

No.
Yes.

Balki, we're gonna...
To the right.
Balki, We're gonna--

No, cousin, cousin, cousin.
Shh, shh.

How many times
have you dug a tunnel?

Ah... Eh!
How many? How many?

How many times? How many times
have you dug a tunnel?

Three.

Through the snow?
None.

None? As in zero?

That is correct.
All right, there you go.

Balki, I am from Wisconsin.

I have been digging tunnels
through snow since I was five.

Now, I am going to lead

Switch places.
Come on, switch.
(GROANING)

I will stick it...
(SPEAKS GIBBERISH)

You know, Jennifer, I know
we're gonna get out of here,

but just in case we don't

I'm glad
you're my best friend

and there's no one else
I'd rather die with.

Thank you.

Get ready to
catch some snow.

This mountain isn't
gonna know what hit it.

Cousin, you're a lean, mean,
digging machine.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

(WHISTLES)

Okay. Balki. Balki.
I found it.

I found it.
You found a way out?

No, I found my ChapStick.

I lost it
in the avalanche. Mmm.

Cousin, we've been
digging for hours

and we have gotten nowhere.

I still think we
should have turned left.

No, I'm not.

(GRUNTS)

Balki. Balki, there's a light
at the end of the tunnel.

Yes, and every rolling stone
has a silver lining, doesn't it?

No, no, Balki, there is a light
at the end of this tunnel.

Look, look.

Oh, cousin. Cousin.
We made it. We made it.

(TAPPING ON WINDOW)

It's Larry. We're saved.

Hi, Larry.

Oh, no, no, no.

(SOBBING) No.

How did you guys
get over here?

I'll let you fill
that one, cousin.

It's all my fault.

I tunneled in a circle.

I'm an albatross.

A Jonah.

A bad-luck charm.

I'd tell you to cast me outside
if we could just get outside.

You shouldn't be
so hard on yourself, Larry.

Oh, yes, I should.

I am dirt.

If it wasn't
for my snowball of lies

we wouldn't be stuck
in this pit.

Jennifer.

Jennifer.

Jennifer.

Jennifer, I lied to you
about skiing at Innsbruck.

I've never raced
a giant slalom.

The truth is, I can't
ski at all, I just...

I just wanted you to like me
as much as I like you.

Larry, I don't know
what to say. I'm...

I'm flattered
that you would go
to so much trouble

to impress me yet

Don't be too angry
with him, Jennifer.

Think of him as one who
loved not wisely, but too well.

I think that's Shakespeare.

Or Moonlighting.

I forgive you, Larry.

Thank you.

I just want you to know
I think you're
a fine group of people

and it's an honor
to die with you.

Ditto.

Wait a minute.

I can't believe
the babasticki
that I'm hearing.

And you call
yourselves Americans?

"Don't give up the ship."

"Have it your way."

Americans aren't quitters.

If George Washington
had given up at Valley Forge

we'd all be
speaking English today.

Now, I'm going back
in that tunnel

and I'm going
to make a sharp left.

Are you coming with me?

Balki's right.
We're Americans.

If we're gonna go down,
we're gonna go down fighting.

It's just that
I am so tired.

Oh, cousin, cousin,
it's okay. It's okay.

Listen,
everybody gets tired.

George Washington
got tired.

That's why
he slept everywhere.

Now, I'm going to go back
in the tunnel

and do some digging.

I'll wake you up.

Good luck, Balki.

Here's something
to keep you warm.

Oh!

Be careful.

Be careful back there.

(GROANING)

Ow.

Ice Station Zebra?

Good morning.

He must still be
in the tunnel.

What a guy.

He didn't even wake me up
to relieve him.

Oh, no.

Balki? Balki?
Oh, no. I can't be--

LARRY: Balki! Balki! Balki!
Oh, God.

Balki! Balki.
JENNIFER: Larry. Larry.

Balki.
Larry, there's too much snow.

The tunnel's collapsed.

Balki, Balki.

Balki, Balki.

Larry. The tunnel must
have collapsed hours ago.

That's why he didn't
wake you up.

Oh... Oh...

Oh, this can't
be happening.

I belong in the pit,
not him. Oh.

Oh, why...
Why didn't I listen to him

instead of
to my own hormones?

Why do you have to be
so damned attractive?

I'm sorry, Larry.
Oh, oh...

I have just killed
the sweetest, bravest man

I have ever known

and now I'm trying
to blame it on you.

He came to America,
looking for a new life.

He moved in with a cousin
he didn't even know.

I thought I was
doing him a favor, no.

I was the lucky one.

If I know anything
about the goodness

and purity in life,

it's because
Balki Bartokomous taught me.

We're gonna
miss him too, Larry.

Oh...

I will never
forgive myself for this.

I think Balki
would forgive you.

Of course, he would.

Even dead,
he's a better man than me.

(MUMBLES)

If I could just hear
his voice one more time.

BALKI: Cousin Larry?

(SOBBING)

If I could
just see him again

and tell him
how much he meant to me.

I think he's up there.

Of course he is.

He was a saint.

(CREAKING)

BALKI:
Cousin, can you hear me?

Balki? Balki?

He's alive.
He's alive.

Balki! You're alive!

Well, of course I am,
don't be ridiculous.

What am I gonna be? Dead?

I can see the search party
from here. They're coming soon.

It's a wonderful day.

Yes. Yes, it sure is.

Yes. We're saved.
Ow. Ooh...

We're saved. Ow.

We're saved.

(LAUGHS)

Bye-bye.

All right, listen.
Live and learn.

Live and learn.

Oh, cousin, no.

(MUMBLES)

Well, no,
I agree with you there.

(MUMBLES)

Well, no, no, no.
I don't know about that.

(MUMBLES)

Well, of course not,
don't be ridiculous.

(SOBBING)

Oh, cousin, I know,
I know what it is.

You're still feeling
like a big slime ball.

You're too kind.

Oh.

Oh, no, cousin.
Listen. Listen, listen.

I know how to cheer you up.

No, no.

I don't think
that's possible.

Oh, yes, it is, cousin.
Now, listen to me.

Jennifer told me that
she thinks you are brave.

No, you're the one
that saved us.

Well, that's
a very good point.

Oh.

She told me she thinks
you are clever.

No, you're the one who
came up with all the ideas.

Well, that's true.
That's very, very true.

She... She told me that she
thought that you were...

Did she really say
she thinks I'm cute?

Well, of course she did.
I don't lie.

No, I'm the one who lies.

But I'm basically
an honest man.

I...
I never lied to my parents.

I never cheated in school.

It's just that when
I'm around Jennifer, I--

You lose your mind.
Yeah.

You're getting better.
You told her the truth.

Yeah, I guess I did.

And do you know why?
No.

Because, if you know
anything about the goodness

and purity in life,

Balki Bartokomous taught you.

Yeah.

Wait a minute.

How long were
you up on that roof?

Saint Balki.

I like that.