Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 2, Episode 18 - Snow Way to Treat a Lady: Part 1 - full transcript

* Sometimes the world
looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Sometimes you
just get a feeling

* Like you need
some kind of change

* No matter what
the odds are this time

* Nothing's gonna
stand in my way

* This flame in my heart

* Like a long lost friend

* Gives every dark street
a light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dream



* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dream

* The rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life and my dream

* Nothing's gonna stop me now
* Nothing's gonna stop me now

* It's my life and my dream

* Nothing's gonna stop me now

* Nothing's gonna stop me now *

Cousin, you'll
never guess what!

Oh!

Are you all right?
I couldn't be better.

Mmm-hmm.
I have great news.



I signed us up for three days
and two fun-filled nights

at the Hidden
Mountain Ski Resort.

We're going skiing!

Skiing? What are
you talking about?

That nice game where you
put sticks on your feet

and slide down a mountain.

Balki, I know
what skiing is.

And I hate skiing.

Oh, how do you know?
Have you ever tried it?

Yes.

Our family went
skiing every winter

and every winter I spent
a week with my face in the snow.

My brothers and sisters
would use me as a ski jump.

I'm the only
Appleton who can't ski.

But, cousin, you haven't
heard the best part yet.

Balki, Balki--
It-it, let me--

You signed me up
for something

without my permission,
didn't you?

Yes, I did, but-but--
And you shouldn't have.

You shouldn't have.
Cousin, cousin, cousin--

You shouldn't
have signed me up

No, I shouldn't have.
Fine.

I'm drained.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

But--
No matter what you do.

But--
No matter what you say.

No way are you getting
me up on that mountain.

Hey, Larry, ready
to hit the slopes?

Bad news, Jennifer.

Cousin Larry and I
can't go skiing

with you and Mary Anne.

We can't?

Oh, no, we needed two more

to get a group rate.
Why can't you go?

Because Cousin Larry
have a recess in his jeans.

Uh, no, no, no, Balki, uh,
uh, what I, what I said was

I had to reassess my means.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, and great news,
I can afford it.

Oh, good,
because I need your check

for the deposit.
It's $45.

Forty five dollars.

Well, that's
cheap when you're

used to skiing at
Aspen or the Alps.

But, cousin, you told
me you hate skiing!

Alone, I hate
skiing alone.

Going down the face
of a mountain

where no man
has skied before.

I want somebody
to share it with.

Well, there
will be 20 of us!

Cousin Larry used
to be a ski jump.

Er.

Ski jumper, yeah.

Used to be a ski jumper.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, oh... (CHUCKLES)

Terrific.
Yeah.

See you Friday.
Yeah.

(LAUGHS)

Me and Jennifer,

long talks by the fire.

Jacuzzi, moonlight.

I wish I had time
to grow a beard.

Sipping brandy.
Observation.

Yes.

A man says he hates skiing.
Yes.

A woman he yearns
for walks into the room

and suddenly that same
man is skiing the Alps.

Now, uh, cousin,
konk me on the head

with an anvil
if I'm wrong,

but didn't you just tell
one lallopalooza of a lie?

Not at all.

You told me
you hate skiing!

Balki, there's
a difference between skiing

and skiing with Jennifer.

One of them is a sport.

The other is something
worth dying for.

So, technically
I wasn't lying.

Well, in Mypos
we have a saying.

(SPEAKING IN MYPOSIAN)

Do you want me to translate?
Not really, no.

It says, "He who lies
falls into a deep pit."

In America
we have a saying.

"Butt out."

Candlelit dinners,
romantic music.

Maybe I should bring
my Julio Iglesias tapes.

How do those boots feel?

Well, ooh,

kinda make you
walk like Lee Majors.

How do I look?

Like six million bucks.

Okay, now, I got us a book

that will teach us
everything we need to know.

Have you seen the book?
Well, I think so.

Ah, here it is.
Oh, where?

Uh, careful.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Maybe I'll just put them down.
Yes.

(THUDDING)

I'll put them down,
you move the table

over there.

Boy, you know, these
boots are killing me.

(LAUGHS)

"The Zen Book Of Skiing.

Achieving Oneness
with the Snow."

"Oneness?"
Oneness.

This book will teach you
to think like an expert skier.

"Chapter one,
putting on your skis."

Well, I can
get us that far.

Here.

It's easy, just step in.

Toe in, heel down.

Toe in... In.

Heel down.
Yeah.

Toe in, heel down.

Toe in, heel down.

Boy,

Hmm.
Uh, how you get them off?

All right, now, let me,
let me get the book.

Just...
Yeah, yeah.

No, Balki, I,
I, all right, no.

Balki, look, back up.
Well, I--

Back up, back up,
Balki, back up.

(CREAKING)

You all right?
Think so.

All right.

(CREAKING)

Don't do that.

All right. Back up.
Maybe I...

(CREAKING)

(CREAKING)

Balki, Balki, let go.
You, let go.

You, let go first.
No, you, let go.

we'll both let go. Ready?

BOTH: One, two, three.

All right, on the count of three
we'll really let go. Ready?

BOTH: One, two, three.

All right, all right, move your,
move your right foot.

Pick up, pick up your right
foot, put it over there.

All right, move your left
foot, put it over there.

All right, straighten out,
straighten out.

(SIGHS)
All right, now
let's get the book.

Any idea how we
can get over there?

Ah, yes.

Uh, you take your downhill ski,
or is it your uphill ski?

No, you take
your downhill ski

and you put it over
your uphill ski

like that. Okay? Yeah.

I remember this move
because my brothers and sisters

used to use it
to step over me.

(CHUCKLES)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Cousin, do-do
you really think

you can be an expert skier
by tomorrow afternoon?

Well, I'm going to try.

Now, you just take your uphill
ski, put it over the other one

and you're home free.

Oh!
Oh!

All right, all right,
Balki, you're right.

Who was I trying to kid.

I can't even ski
in my own living room.

This isn't going to work.

But, cousin, I'm sorry
to say this, but I'm glad.

Now, you can make
a new beginning

and tell
Jennifer the truth.

The truth? The truth?

Who said anything
about the truth?

I just need a better plan.

(GRUNTING)

(LARRY PANTING)

How about this?

As soon as we get
up there, I'll insist

we go for one run
before the lifts close.

Then after about 100 yards,
I'll fall in a soft spot

fake an injury and spend
the rest of the weekend

getting sympathy from Jennifer.

Listen to yourself.

You want to tell one more lie

to cover up another.

By the time it get to the bottom

it's one humongous
snowball of lies!

What happened to the pit?

Where do you think
the snowball lands?

Now, you think
everything is so simple.

You think everything
is black and white.

Well, it's not.

There is a lot of gray
in this world. A lot.

I'm simply

reshaping the facts
into a greater truth.

Cousin, why you
have to do that?

Why you have to
reshape the facts?

Balki, where have you been?

I have been Larry Appleton
for the past six months

and Jennifer isn't
interested in him.

That's because she
never sees him.

After she's blinded by love

then I will show her
the real Larry Appleton.

But tomorrow, all
Jennifer is going to see

is Larry Appleton
downhill racer.

Oh...

(GRUNTS)

(PANTING)

That ski lift was fun.

Wasn't it?
Yeah.

You don't think anybody saw
me fall when I got off, do you?

Well, of course not.
Don't be ridiculous.

Those people were laughing
about something else.

Now...

I-I'm sorry about
skiing over your hand.

Uh, oh, don't
worry about it.

I'm used to it.

All right, now
there's a good spot.

in that soft pile of
snow and fake an injury.

The pit deepens.

All right, here come
the girls. Try to look cool.

What are you guys
doin' over here?

Trying to look cool.

I'm just a sucker
for fresh powder.

But the run is over there,
this side isn't even marked.

Oh.
Looks too steep for me.

Come on, take
a bite outta life.

No guts, no glory.

Ye-e-eah!

(LARRY SCREAMING)

Cousin, I think you
missed your soft spot!

Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, ho, ho!

Help! Help!

(SCREAMING)

Boy, he really likes
to show off, doesn't he?

No, he's screaming for help.

Help! Oh, no! Oh, no!

(LARRY SCREAMING)

No, no!

(SCREAMING)

(GRUNTS)

Hang on, Larry, we're coming!

Here we come!
Wait for me. Wait.

We're on our way, Larr.

Hang on.

Wait, you wait.

Whoo, oh...

(MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY)

Whoo! Oh! Oh, baby.

I'm skiing!

Whoo!

(SCREAMING)

Cousin, are we
having fun or what?

Yoo-hoo! Anybody home?

Oh, thank God.

We finally found a place

to get in out of the cold.

And then we'll make
our way down the hill

and see if we can
find the highway.

We've been walking for
two hours, I'm exhausted.

Well, I'll say one thing for us.

I think we all achieved
oneness with the snow.

And you, you achieved
oneness with that tree, huh?

Do I have any more pine needles
sticking out of my forehead?

No.

at 60 miles per hour.

Oh, poor thing.
Sit down.

You must be
really shaken up.

No, I'm fine.
Uh, except for my ankle.

I think I twisted it.

Oh, no, I'm so sorry.

Well, it's getting dark.

I think we better
stay here for the night.

I-I don't think I can
walk on this ankle.

Hey, look, I found a blanket
and a bottle of wine.

You two get out
of your wet coats.

I saw some firewood outside.

Come on, Mary Anne.

Well, I'll open that.

(DOOR CREAKS OPEN)

Well, well, well.

Mr. Liar-Liar-Pants-On-Fire.

I hope you're happy.
Yes, very happy.

How can you say that?

We slide down the wrong
side of the mountain

wander around for two hours

bodies all aching
and racked with pain,

and now, we're
stuck in this cabin

with the girls
for the whole night.

You don't have
to thank me now.

Looks like fate has put us
right where we wanted to be.

Cousin, no! Not faith.

It's your lies
that put us here.

Fate, lies, what's
the difference?

My plan is working.

Cousin, don't you
see what's happening?

"Going wrong?"
Balki, look around.

I have wine,
a beautiful woman

a mountain cabin.

I guess this puts
an end once and for all

to the great
Myposian pit theory.

Well, maybe things
look good now

but you mark my words

it ain't over 'til
the fat lady eats.

It was the Giant Slalom
Finals at Innsbruck.

It came down to a duel
between Ingmar and myself.

We stared across at each
other with a fierce respect

born out of years
of intense competition.

It's getting deeper

and deeper.

Anyway, by the first turn

I was already
a split second ahead

but then fate stepped in.

A few meters in front
of me, frozen in fear

was a snowshoe rabbit.

Poor little rabbit.
What did you do?

Well, I lost the race.

How tragic.

Not really.

I grew up a lot on
the mountain that day.

You see, I could have
skied right through

that furry little creature

but I learned that
there are a lot of things

more important than winning.

Is the truth one of them?

Anyway, my racing
days are in the past.

I like to live
in the present.

There's so much I
don't know about you.

Hmm, you can say that
again, and that reminds me

I have a story.
It's called...

(SPEAKING IN MYPOSIAN)

What does that mean?

It means the little
goat herder who lied.

Well, I think the girls
are a little tired of stories.

Not at all.
Go ahead, Balki.

Once upon a time

there was
a little goat herder

and he had curly brown hair

and, uh, little round cheeks

and, uh, no upper lip at all.

Balki.

It came to pass
that the king

announced a royal yak hunt.

Well, that was a wonderful

little folktale.
More wine, anyone?

It was the day of the hunt

and the little goat herder

decided to show off
for the fair maiden.

So he shot
an arrow into the air

and where it landed
he didn't care.

But he should have,
because it hit the king

right smack in
the royal buttocks.

And they all lived
happily ever after?

The king was
exceeding angry

and he threw the little
goat herder into a dungeon.

A dungeon not unlike a pit.

I think I saw that on TV.

Wasn't Richard Chamberlain
the little goat herder?

Ah, those Mypos tales.

Who knows what they mean?

And who cares?

Well, this is the last log.
Hmm.

Well, you know, the best
way to fight off the cold

is with, uh, body heat.

That's a great
last resort

but we have a fire.

Uh, I'll just get
some more wood.

Oh, no, no, no,
you stay here.

I'll go get it.
Uh. That's a man's job.

How's that ankle?

Oh, huh. Well, comes and goes.

Changes legs too.

Are you sure you
don't need any help?

Oh, no, no, I'll just go
rustle up some firewood.

(CHUCKLES)
Love to breath that
fresh mountain air.

(WIND WHOOSHING)

(BREATHES HEAVILY)

(COUGHING)

Good Lord, it's cold out here.

I'm getting hungry.

I'm really sorry that
we ruined your ski trip.

Oh, that's okay,
I'm having fun.

Well, it's a good thing
I brought my body.

(RUMBLING)

Wow!

Did you feel that?
Well, of course, I did.

Don't be ridiculous.

I still respect you.

I think we just
had an earthquake.

They don't have
earthquakes in Wisconsin.

It was probably
just an avalanche.

Hmm.

Cousin Larry!

I found the wood.

Get him to the couch.

(MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY)

(GROANING)

Oh, Larry, are you okay?

I was outside. I was happy.

I found the perfect log.

And suddenly I heard this...
This-this...

Rumbling?
Yes, this rumbling.

And I turned around
and saw this big, this big...

Mountain?
Yes, mountain!

The mountain started chasing
me towards the-the-the...

Pit?

No, not the pit.

Where we are now,
the cabin!

I never saw so much snow!

There was enough snow
to cover this entire...

(PANTING)

(WHIMPERING)

Oh, cousin,
we're buried alive.

Not for long.

Very soon
we'll all be dead.