Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 2, Episode 16 - Tux for Two - full transcript

Larry wins 10th place in a photo contest, and as a result, a well-known photographer invites him to a black tie party for the opening night of his latest photo exhibit. When Jennifer can't attend, Balki gets to go with Larry, who gives Balki a crash course in how he believes one is "supposed" to act at such an event.

* Sometimes the world
looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Sometimes you
just get a feelin'

* Like you need
some kinda change

* No matter what
the odds are this time

* Nothing's gonna
stand in my way

* This flame in my heart

* Like a long lost friend

* Gives every dark street
a light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the my wings of my dream



* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dream

* The rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life and my dream

* Nothing's gonna stop me now
* Nothing's gonna stop me now

* It's my life and my dream

* Nothing's gonna stop me now

* Nothing's gonna stop me now *

(WHIRRING)

Oh, thank you, cousin.

I thought it was gonna
suck my brains out.

Balki, you're not gonna believe
what I got in the mail today.



Your letter from
Publisher's Clearinghouse?

You may already have won?

No, no. But this
is almost as good.

Balki, what
do I wanna be?

What do I want
to do for a living?

Be a photographer.

Yes. And who inspired me
to become a photographer?

No.

Roger Morgan.

Who that?

"Who that?"
Roger Morgan?

Well, he happens to be the best
photographer in the world.

And this is an invitation for
Lawrence Appleton and a guest

to the black tie opening night
party of his new photo exhibit.

Everybody who's anybody in
the photobiz will be there.

Get out of the city!

Because I was
one of the winners

of the Chicago Gazette
Photo Contest

and Roger Morgan
was one of the judges.

Oh, cousin!

That's nice.
Now, Balki.

Balki, Balki, it is
more than just nice.

It's like me wanting
to be a baseball player
and meeting Pete Rose.

Or me wanting
to be an actor
and meeting Laurence Olivier.

Is it like me meeting
the great sheepherder
Zimdog Zakibatbat?

Yes. Yes!

Then this is
an exciting day for you!

Yes. Yes, it is.

And I'm glad I could
share it with you.

Oh, cousin, a party!
I love a party!

We can, we can play
pin the tail on the mule

and we can
bob for potatoes

and we can do
the Limbo Rock.

I think you misunderstood.

I'm sharing my
happiness with you

but I'm sharing
the evening with Jennifer.

Jennifer?

Why you ask Jennifer?

Because she's beautiful
and I want her.

That's a good point.
Very good point.

But I want you to know,
if she couldn't go
you were next on my list.

Oh! Oh.

Mr. Twinkacetti,
can you believe it?

Cousin Larry and Jennifer
are going to a black tie party!

Color me excited.

All right, you tell him
it was your fault.

It was a simple mistake.
"Simple mistake?"

All right, I'm a simple person.

Ladies, ladies, why
the stormy weather?

Larry, I can't go to
the party tomorrow night.

I'm working.
Working?

That's what I thought,
but Mary Anne
got our destinations mixed up.

We're not going to New York,
we're going to New Zealand.

New York, New Zealand.
It could happen to anybody.

You're going
to New Zealand?

The sheep capital
of the world?

How lucky can you get?

See?

We won't be back
till after your party.

I'm so sorry, Larry,
I feel terrible.

I just hope you can find
someone else to go with you.

Well, we better get going.
We've got a lot to pack.

We're comin' back
through New Delhi.

You didn't tell me
anything about New Delhi.

I don't know anything
about New Delhi.

Uh, who did you say
was next on your list?

Balki!

Cousin, I'm ready to party.

Now tell me...

How do I look?

(CLEARS THROAT)

Roger Morgan
dressed like that.

Why not?

Because this is
a black tie party
not a... Bullfight.

But I'm wearing
a black tie.

Balki, black tie means
you have to wear a tuxedo.

Well, of course, it does.
Don't be ridiculous.

I'll go splash some on.
No, Balki.

This...is a tuxedo.

Oh...

I don't have
one of that.

Oh, cousin.

It's beautiful.

You shouldn't have
bought this for me.

I didn't.
I rented it.

You paid somebody money
so I could wear his clothes?

Yes.

But I already
have clothes.

Ah, but not...like...these.

Yours looks just like mine.

Yes.

But if we dressed
exactly alike

how would people
tell us apart?

Dental records.

Balki...

Believe me,
this is not the kind of party

where you're
supposed to have... Fun.

Let me get this straight.

Uh-huh.

Everybody is going to
be wearing black suits.
Yes.

And nobody's
gonna have any fun?
Yes.

What the difference
is between this party
and a funeral?

There's no body.

But I can fix that.

Balki, this party is
very important to me.

It is vital that
we behave properly.

under his wing and make
them what they are today.

What are they today?

Photographers.

(GASPS)
That's what
you want to be.

Yes. Yes, it is.

(CHUCKLES)

Balki, look, so you
know what to expect

why don't we pretend
that the living room
is the gallery, all right?

There are photographs
on the walls,

We're looking
at a photograph.

Someone comes up
and asks...

What kind of drink
would you like?

Cola, please.

You have a cola.
Cola.

Someone comes up...
You have a diet?

You have diet?

You have a diet cola.

Someone comes up...
You don't
have caffeine free?

You have a caffeine-free

BOTH: Diet cola.

Someone comes up...
Unless you got a ginger ale.

But I...

No drinks,
we have no drinks.

We have a little pretzel...
No.

Or a chip of some kind?

No. No food,
no drinks. Nothing.

We are standing here
looking at a photograph.

Oh! Puppy dogs.

Fine.

Someone comes
up and asks

"What do you think
of this photograph?"

I think it's pretty.

I think it's... Ugly.

I think it's...

Pretty ugly.
(LAUGHS)

Is this how
you're going to act

when you meet
Roger Morgan?

No, I'll be good.
Mmm-hmm.

Boy, are you strict.

Yes, I am.

Balki, at this
kind of party

it doesn't matter
what you think.

What matters is that they
think you think what they think.

Got it?
I don't think so.

All right.

Let me make it
simple for you.

When they ask you
what you think,

you ask them
what they think

and then tell them
the same thing.

But they already
know what they think.

Exactly.

And they wanna hear
the same thing from you.

So let's try it again.

We're looking at picture.

Balki, where are you going?

I'm choosing a new picture.
It's enough with puppies.

Yeah, this is the one.

What do you think
of this picture?

Well, I, I... I...

What do you think?

I like it.
How about you?

All right, let's
try on your tuxedo.

Cousin, are you
sure this is the way

people act at
these parties?

Balki, of course,
I'm sure.

Trust me.

This is just
a game you play

to get your foot
in the door.

Don't worry.
I won't embarrass you.

Mmm-hmm.

You're gonna
be proud of me.

(RIPS)

I guessed at the size.

Guess again.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

I'm sorry the tuxedo
place was closed.

Me too.

But I don't mind
being a little different.

I'm proud of my heritage.

Okay. Be proud.

Just...

Stand behind me.

Which one's Roger Morgan?

Well, I don't see him.

Oh, look, that's
Frank Lambert.

And that's Dick Jorgeson.

He won a Pulitzer Prize
last year.

Oh, there's Margaret Milgram.

She owns the gallery.

Balki, I never thought
I'd be rubbing elbows

with so many
important people.

I'd love to rub
those elbows.

It's an expression.

Don't rub anything.

Let's mingle.
What does...

It means talk
without touching.

Without touching.

"Hitchhiker on
the Road to Bitterness."

Hmm.

Do you really think so?
Yes, I do.

What do you...

Think?

What do I think?
Yes.

I think it's the best
of his essence too.

We have a calendar
of all his work at home.

This is September.

A calendar?

Yes, it's right
over the toilet.

A toilet? Please!

Oh, it's right out
the door to your left.

Well, I never...

Dennis, I need a drink.

New rule.

Don't say anything
unless you've got something
caught in your throat.

But, cousin, I was just
agreeing with her like you said.

Don't you think
it's a good picture?

LARRY:
Yes, it's a good picture.

All his pictures are good.

I looked at this one
all through September.

I think it
might've been better

if he'd shot it
with a wide angle lens.

Boy, you know a lot
for a guy who's
never sold a picture.

Thank you.

You know,
I always wondered

why he only shoots
in black and white.

Uh, sir?

Thank you.

Balki, give the man
back his tray.

He give it to me.
Balki.

Thank you.

What this?

Those are
finger sandwiches.

No, Balki.

Balki.

Balki, they're not
what you think.

Just take something.

(GROANS)

Uh, perhaps
a cocktail frank?

Oh. My name's not Frank.
It's Balki.

And I think cocktails are
those little drinks over there.

Thank you.

I'll try to remember that.

You know, you'd think
they'd get a waiter

who knew what
he was doing.

Yes. You'd
think they would.

Oh, good to see you too.

Margaret, how are ya?
Roger.

So good to see you.
Well, it's good to be here.

Balki, that's him.
That's Roger Morgan.

Cousin, he's not
wearing a black tie.

No wonder everyone
is staring at him.

LARRY: All right. This is it.

Oh. Sweaty palms.

What if he wants
to shake hands?

All right. Oh, ah...

Mr. Morgan.
Yes?

I...

I, I, I'm Larry, Larry, Larry...

Appleton.
Appleton.

Uh, do you have something
caught in your throat?

No. No.

No, I'm fine.

You know, Mr. Morgan,
I've always wondered

why do you only
shoot black and white?

Well...
Cousin Larry was wondering that.

You were wondering
the same thing.

Weren't you, cousin?

Excuse us.

Well, that's it.
It's over.

The man obviously
thinks I'm an idiot.

No, he doesn't, cousin.

He might think
you talk a little funny

and, well, who
could blame him?

But he hasn't met
the real Larry Appleton.

The one who speaks English.

Now come on,
let's go play the game.

I had my chance
and I blew it.

Oh, you just try again.

I can't.

Yes, you can!

Cousin, if I was
standing there

and the great Zimdog Zakibatbat
was over there...

I would hope
you would do this.

No, Balki, Balki! All right,
put me down. Put me down...

Balki, put me down.

Mr. Morgan...

My Cousin Larry, again.

Yes, I remember.

He... He admires you.

I do, I really do.

And he...

Would like to be as
great as you are some day.

I would, I would.

You know, that's the great
thing about photography,
it's a non-verbal medium.

(MOUTHING)

The hitchhiker picture.
Yes.

Don't you think you took
it with the wrong lens?

(GASPS)

Mr. Morgan doesn't do
anything with the wrong lens.

Dennis...
Don't worry, Mr. Morgan.

I'll take care
of these people.

Margaret.

Don't mind Dennis, he was
born with a silver spoon
in his mouth.

Must have been
painful for his mama.

(LAUGHING)

Excuse us again.

Do you have any idea
what you just said?

I was just trying to help.

Well, you didn't.

And that I come from
a family of idiots.

I don't understand
these strange social rules.

Thinking one thing
and saying another.

People should
just be themselves.

Except Dennis, he
should be somebody else.

You're right.
I'm sorry we even came.

Those are they.

Pardon me, but how
did you get in here?

He's with me.
I was talking to you.

I was invited.

And I'm his invited guest.

Well, I'm uninviting
both of you.

You're a blithering fool.

And you... You come
here dressed like a...

Like a matador...
And proceed to utter

the most tactless,
inane dribble I've ever...

Now, wait a minute.

He is not being tactless.

He's being honest.

And don't put
down his clothes.

He is proud
of his heritage.

No one speaks
to her like that.

Well, I'm sorry,
but your nana was being rude.

His nana?

I'm calling security.

Dennis, really.

You're in trouble.

Come on, Balki,
let's get outta here.

Uh, young man,
about that lens comment...

Oh, but it wasn't stupid.

It was a very
perceptive comment.

I'm not ashamed
to admit it.

Not now, anyway.
Yes.

What lens would
you have used?

Well, I guess, I
would have used a 28 mm.

That's exactly
the lens I was gonna use.

But my camera bag
was locked in the car...

Along with my keys.

Oh!
(EXCLAIMING)

Cousin Larry does
that all the time.

It's refreshing to
hear an honest criticism.

Usually when I ask
people what they think,

they turn around and say,
"What do you think?"

(LAUGHING)

I hate that.

Uh, Larry, uh...
What was the name again?

Appleton.
Larry Appleton.

Appleton. I remember
the picture.

You do? My picture?
Yes.

If the committee had
listened to my opinion,

you would have done
better than tenth place.

Well, Mr. Morgan,
you have no idea
how that makes me feel.

Well, I was a beginner
once too, you know?

You've got a good eye, Appleton.

I'd like to see some
more of your work.

Really?

Drop some pictures
by the hotel.

Maybe I can be
of help to you.

Well, thank you.

Nice outfit, kid.

Very Myposian.

(SPEAKING IN MYPOSIAN)

I can't believe it. Roger Morgan
is gonna look at my pictures
and cry.

I'll bring him these.

I can't bring him that.

Maybe this.
What do you think?

What do you think?

No, Balki, we're not
at the gallery anymore.

I really need your opinion.

Cousin, everybody
has an opinion.

Me, Roger Morgan

even Dennis
and his nana.

But the only one
that matters is yours.

Now bring Mr. Morgan
the ones you like best.

Yeah.
You're right.

Come on, Balki.

I wanna bring these
over to his hotel.

Boy, this could be great.

If Roger Morgan
likes these,

I could be working
in a newspaper
in a couple of weeks.

I could be in a new apartment
in a couple of months.

In a year...

I could win a Pulitzer.

And if he
doesn't like them?

Cousin...

Don't you think you're
getting a little crazy again?

Isn't there somewhere
in the middle?

You're right.

and hope for the best?

I second that emotion.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)