Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 2, Episode 14 - Trouble in Paradise - full transcript

Conflict arises between the guys when they invite the girls over for a "casual dinner".

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

* Sometimes the world
looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Sometimes you just
get a feeling

* Like you need some
kind of change

* No matter what
the odds are this time

* Nothing's going
to stand in my way

* This flame in my heart

* Like a long-lost friend

* Gives every dark street
a light at the end

* Standing tall



* On the wings of my dream

* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dream

* Through the rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life and my dream

* Nothing's gonna stop me now

* Nothing's gonna stop me

* It's my life and my dream

* Nothing's gonna stop me now

* Nothing's gonna stop me now *

Lone Ranger masks?
Two dozen.

Vulcan ears?
Two dozen.



Dracula teeth?

Two dozen.
LARRY: All right.

Put 'em back.

How many Vulcan ears?
Two dozen.

Fine, Balki, I just
can't concentrate.

Jennifer's
getting back today.

I mean, I don't
wanna be pushy

(SIGHS) I... I just don't
understand exactly
what our relationship is.

Well...

Nancy and I have
a wonderful relationship.

Very sensitive.

(STUTTERS) I'm trying to share
a personal problem here,
and you're being silly.

No.
Aren't you?

Yes, I am.

How am I gonna find out
how she feels about me?

Cousin,
here's a shot in the dark.

Why don't you ask her?

(CHUCKLING)

Balki, Balki, Balki.

You have to read women.

You have to interpret
the subtle nuances

of what they say
or don't say.

The way they look at you
or don't look at you.

The way they touch you
or, as in my case,

don't touch you.

Boy, life is hard work
for you.

Cousin, why don't
we just have Mary Anne

and Jennifer over
for dinner tonight

and Mary Anne and I can eat

and you and Jennifer
can read each other?

I'll have to give
that some thought.

Hi, guys.
Hello. How was your flight?

Great.
It was great.

Thanks for the travel alarm,
Larry.

Oh, any time, Jennifer.

Boy, working those
flights to Rome

really play tricks
on your mind.

Is it Friday
or Saturday?

It's Friday.

I told you.

I wanted
a second opinion, okay?

Hey, why don't you
come over to our house
for dinner tonight?

You can relax
and shake off
your jet slag.

That sounds great.
We'd love to.

Are you sure it isn't
too much trouble?

Of course not.
Is it, cousin?

(SCOFFS) Trouble?
Uh, no, no.

We'll just throw
something together.

We'll uncork some vino,
kick back, relax.

It'll be very, uh, mellow.

Great.
Come on, Jennifer,

I may have left
the gas on.

the building
wouldn't be here.

Ciao.

(CHUCKLING)

Why did you do that?

Do what?
Ask the girls
to dinner tonight.

I just did.

Yes, why?

Oh, oh. Why did I ask
the girls to dinner tonight?

Why?
Why not?

You just don't
get it, do you?

Cousin, what you doing?

Closing early.

But, cousin, it would
be just like you said.

We'll relax,
do some kickbacks,
we'll be marshmallows.

What the big deal is?

No wonder parents in Mypos

have to buy wives
for their sons.

Balki, Jennifer
is a sophisticated woman.

She's been in every
airport in the world.

Now, if I'm
going to impress her,

This evening has got to be
very carefully orchestrated.

Cousin, you are taking
this too seriously.

You're going to get
simple nervous tension.

Did you know...
You're getting on my nerves?

I have to plan what could be
the most important
dinner of my life

and I've only
got three hours.

Well, don't worry,
I can help.

But, but I want
to help cook.
No.

I want to help cook.
No, you can't help cook.

I want to help cook.
Oh.

(CRYING)

Okay.
Look.

You get the stuff
for the appetizers
and the salad.

And what else?
Look, just get the appetizers
and the salad.

While you're doing that,
I'll go to the butcher.

Let's go!

* I'm so excited
and I just can't hide it

I shouldn't have
used a new cologne.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Well, what do you think?
About what?

No, I mean...

How do I look?

GQ.
You're welcome. (CHUCKLES)

What about me?

You think Mary Anne
will like this outfit?

Yeah, sure. You don't think
I'm overdressed, do you?

Well, of course not.

What if they dress casual?

Then you'll look
like a big jerk.

Maybe the jacket
is too much.

She'll think
I'm trying too hard.

She'll be right.

(COUGHING)

These aren't
the carrots.

Well... Well, of course not.
They're wild olives.

What are wild olives
doing here?

Well, they're
just lying there.

Marinating.

They're for the salad.
Come, I show you.

This is the salad?

Well, you said we should
impress the girls
so I thought...

Leaves?

That's not very impressive.

So I decided to make
Mama's special salad.

Wild olives, ginkgo root,
mustard curd, onions

and a dash of liver oil
to keep the ginkgo root down.

You didn't get
the lettuce, did you?
No, I didn't.

It was on my list.

And bean and curd things
were not.

Well, pardon me
for saying so

but your list was boring.

My list was food.

Yes, but not fun food.

And that's why Balki
made a few things
to spice the menu up.

Just how spicy
are we getting?

Well...

I thought we'd, uh,
treat ourselves
to that old standard

Ding Ding Machmood.

You know it as
pig snout with saffron.

And then I thought we'd go

bad bad meeche.

I was going
to surprise you,
but you forced me.

Balki, think.

Two girls that we like
and desire
are coming to dinner.

What possible advantage can be
gained from poisoning them?

Oh, cousin,

these are the staples
of the Myposian diet.

They made me into the big,
strong man I am today.

I don't want Jennifer
to be a big strong man.

I want her to like me.
I want her to be impressed.

I want her to survive
long enough
to bear my children.

Therefore,
this food is out.

Well, Mary Anne is my date,
and I want her to try it.

All right, all right,
all right.

Look, I'll tell you what,
we'll have my dinner tonight

and we'll save your food
for another special occasion.

Say, when the Cubs
win the World Series.

Oh!

What do you take me for?
Bozo the Clone?

Everybody knows the Cubs
have no quarterback.

Cousin, why are you getting
all poofed out of shape?

I am not getting
poofed out of shape.

Balki, how many times
have you served dinner
to two beautiful women?

Ah...
Hmm, hmm?

Ah...
How many?

How many times
have you served dinner
to two beautiful women?

Three.

In America?
None.

None? None, as in zero?

Look, I know
what I'm doing.

Let's just go with my plan
so I can save this evening.

But I went through
so much trouble!

I had to find
gingko root and pig snout.

They made fun of me
at the market.

They said,
"Price check on pig snout."

And now you won't
let me serve it.

You're squeezing
all of the fun
out of this date.

Balki, I am squeezing all the
fun out of this date
for a very good reason.

A casual dinner
is nothing to be
taken lightly.

(SNIFFING)

What's that smell?

My duck is burned.

Ow!
Hot, take it, take it.

(SCREAMING)

(YELPING)

Why is the oven turned
to 500 degrees?

Well, that's the
temperature I need for
my sheepherder's bread.

Where did
sheepherder's bread
come from?

Well, I think
its origins are a little
island off the coast--

I don't care
where it came from.

Well, why did you ask?

Look at my duck.

It's drying out
even as we speak.

How am I gonna serve this?

Oh, cousin, cheer up.

Balki.

I am not letting
you serve that food.

Well, maybe you can stop me.

Oh, well, maybe I can.

Give me the
Ding Ding Machmood.

No.

Give me the
Ding Ding Machmood.

Ha!
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(BOTH GASP)

BOTH: The girls.

and your food and try
to get through this thing.

Well, I'm not the one
with the problem.

You're the one
with the problem.
Yes.

I'm just trying to show
a lady a good time.

I'm just trying to show
a lady a good time.

Well, fine.
Have a good time.

Knock yourself out!

BOTH: Have a wonderful time!

BOTH: Hi.

Thank you, Balki.

May I?
May you what?

Dinner is served.

Did I mention
how lovely you look?

Yes, you did.

(STUTTERS)
What are we having?

and my specialty,
duck a l'orange.

But the best things
aren't even on the table.

Ooh, there's more?

so he cooked too.

Just dig in.
(CHUCKLES)

(SCRAPING)

Darn, dull knives.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Balki, I told you
to get these sharpened.

I'll get them sharpened.

Why is the rice
all clumped together?

Well, girls,
you're in luck

Oh. Keep eating,
keep eating.
Enjoy. Enjoy.

Balki, you are not
serving them
(STUTTERS) that stuff.

Why don't we ask them
if they want to try
(STUTTERS) that stuff?

Who would like
to try Myposian food?

I would.
Sounds great.

I've never had
Myposian food before.
This is exciting.

This looks interesting.

This looks incredible.

Balki, what do
you call this?

Ding Ding Machmood.

Oh, well,
what does that mean?

Excuse us.

Mmm... (GRUNTS)

I hope you're happy
you're making me look bad
in front of Jennifer.

I think you are
doing that yourself.

but no,
you had to be creative.

You had the wonderful idea
to serve the girls pig pucks.

You're just jealous
because I need a chainsaw
to cut your duck.

Well, in case you
haven't noticed

It's an acquired taste.

LARRY:
Oh, oh, is it?

Oh. Why? Because Balki
is acting like
a five-year-old?

Me? You're the one
that's acting like
a yak's behind.

Oh, a yak's behind?
Yes, a big fat one.

Balki, Larry, stop.

Do you have any ketchup?

Come on, Mary Anne.
I think we'd better go.

Oh, is dinner over?
Mmm-hmm.

No, no, you have to stay.
We have pie.
Oh.

I know it's good.
I didn't make it.

You guys have to work
this thing out,
whatever it is.

Arguments happen
between roommates.

Believe me, I understand.

Like when?

Like, when she spends
three hours

in the bathroom putting
on her makeup.

Oh, yeah.
She hates when I do that.

(ALL LAUGH)

(ALL SIGH)

And I hate when she rearranges
my closet without asking me.
(CHUCKLES)

Well, I wouldn't have to
if you'd keep
your things in order.

Well, everyone has their
own way of doing things.

Maybe the way I keep
my things is my business.

Fine.
I won't touch your things.

Just don't come begging me
to borrow a clean uniform

because you didn't realize
yours were at the cleaners.

Well,

here's to good friends.

Once, just once,
I borrowed a uniform
and got a spot on it

and you never
let me forget it.

Maybe if you were
more careful on the job

you wouldn't have
spilled anything.

Oh, so, now you're gonna
tell me how to do my job?

Who wants pie?

Well, somebody should tell
you how to do your job.

While I'm working my tail off,
trying to make the flight

a safe and
pleasant experience,
you're serving drinks

singing Belly Up
to the Bar, Boys.

Look, Jennifer.

At least when we're about
to land, I don't tell them

Those are the rules.

Everything
has to be perfect.

It's like living
with a Barbie doll.

Now, I'm mad.

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

Hold. Hold.

Mary Anne, Jennifer

you shouldn't talk
to each other like that,
you're friends.

and I'm sorry.

Nothing worked.

Cousin,
you're not helping.

Sorry.

Shame on you.

How long have you
known each other?

Too long.
How long?

Since we were
eight years old.

And now you want to throw
your friendship away

because you think
she's too perfect

and you think
she's not perfect enough?

Mary Anne, tell Jennifer
that you're sorry

and if it's really
that important, well,

you'll try to be
a little more organized.

I'm sorry.

Perhaps I am
a little messy.

Tell Mary Anne you're sorry
and, uh, you'll try
to take things

a little less seriously.

I'm sorry, sometimes
I get all worked up

over things that
aren't very important

but that Barbie doll
line really hurt.

I'm sorry.

Now, hug each other.

Like you mean it.

I'm sorry, Mary Anne.
Oh, me too. (CHUCKLES)

Like you mean it.

(CLEARS THROAT)
Yes, well, uh,

now that we have
that settled, uh,

why don't we
get back to dinner?

Well, who are we kidding?
All those in favor
of ordering pizza?

Might as well.

My Ding Ding's cold.

You really have to leave?
It's only 1 o'clock.

I'm exhausted.
We're still on Rome time.

To us, it's 7 o'clock
in the morning.

I had a nice time.

I'm really glad
I got to know you better.

Let's go, Mary Anne.

Oh. Goodnight.

Did you hear that?

She knows me better.

Better than what?
Let's not analyze it.

I just want
to enjoy the moment.

(BOTH SIGH DEEPLY)

Well, it was
really rough going.

Yeah.

Yes, but if we hadn't
have been there

they probably
wouldn't have fought at all.

Well, you know,
I, I didn't know
Jennifer could be that way.

What way?

Well, so nitpicky.

I mean, I know Mary Anne's
no rocket scientist, but...

Jennifer shouldn't be
so hard on her.

Well, I had no idea
Mary Anne
could be that way.

What way?

Cousin,

the wires up here
don't connect.

I mean, uh,
Jennifer is a little
crazy about being neat

but Mary Anne
was pretty hard on her.

Must be difficult
for them to live together

when they're so different.

Well, if they're gonna
stay best friends
and still live together

they're gonna have
to learn to compromise.

I mean, good friends
are hard to come by.

Mary Anne

could be a little
more organized.

I'm sorry I made
fun of your food.
It's okay.

I'm sorry I invite
the girls without
asking you.

That's okay.

If I had to wait
to get up the nerve,
think how tense I'd be.

That's a scary thought.

Well, I guess I can
throw this out.

No! Don't throw that out.

I'm gonna freeze
the Ding Ding Machmood.

Why?

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)