Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 2, Episode 12 - Dog Gone Blues - full transcript

* Sometimes the world
looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Sometimes you just
get a feeling

* Like you need
some kinda change

* No matter what the odds
are this time

* Nothing's gonna
stand in my way

* This flame in my heart
like a long lost friend

* Gives every dark street
a light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dream

* Rise and fall



* On the wings of my dream

* Through the rain and thunder
the wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life and my dream

* Nothing's gonna stop me now
* Nothing's gonna stop me

* It's my life and my dream

* Nothing's gonna stop me now

* Nothing's gonna stop me now *

BALKI: All right, cousin.

Cover your eyes,
I have a surprise for you.

You know
I don't like surprises

unless I know what they are.

What is it?

Balki.
Okay, I give you a hint.



Uh, it's bright green,
it-it-it hangs from a tree

and it's 24 feet long.

"Bright green,
hangs from a tree

"and it's 24 feet long."

Oh!

(LAUGHS)

It's a dog.

It certainly is.

My hint threw you off,
huh?

Yes. Way off.

Isn't he great?
Yes.

His name is Suprides.
Suprides?

Very good.
Oh.

Well, that's a very pretty name.

What does it mean?

It means dog?
Well, of course it does.

Don't be ridiculous.

What did you think
I'd call him? Table?

Well, he's a very cute dog.

Who does he belong to?
Cousin, that's the great part.

He belong to us.

Now, I am so happy.

I do the dance of joy.

* Dai, dai, dai, dai

* Hey, hey, hey , hey

* Hey, hey, hey *

Balki, did I miss something?

When I left this morning
I didn't own half a dog.

Well, you're a richer man today.

You're gonna love this.

The other day,
I am on my lunch hour

taking a walk and I see this
little dog taking a walk.

It must have been
his lunch hour too.

So, I wanted
to have lunch with him.

You want the, uh, spaghetti
or the meatloaf?

Meatloaf.

All right,
I'll have the spaghetti.

Okay.

Anyway, uh...

Before I could
ask him to lunch

a man comes up
in a prison truck

and jumps out
and arrests him.

Don't tell me.
You followed them
to the pound.

Did I tell you this story?

No, no, you didn't.

Well, I didn't think so.

And they, they tell me
that if nobody comes

to claim him,
that he could be ours.

and nobody claim him,
and they give him to me.

And so now, he's ours

and he comes
to live here with us.

And we take him to the park.
Wait.

And we teach him
to fetch and catch.

And... And we teach him
to save children

from the burning building
just like Loussie.

Lassie.

where he's going
to live here with us.

He's a very nice dog,
but, Balki,

I don't see
how we can keep him.

Don't...
Don't talk like that
in front of him.

You hurt his little feelings.

Uh, excuse us, Suprides.

Now, wait there, Suprides.
Balki? Balki?

Balki, Balki, Balki!

Have you given
any thought at all

to what's involved
in having a dog?

Well, of course I have.
Don't be ridiculous.

Balki, we don't even know
if he's housebroken.

Ah, I can train him.

I'm good at that.
I'm a sheepherder.

Of course,
you can't train a sheep.

They're dumb as a rock.

We're both ignoring
the biggest problem.

We can't keep Suprides

because our lease forbids us
to have pets.

Get out of the city.
Yes.

How could anyone
not allow animals?

Balki, Twinkacetti evicted
the last tenants
for having pets.

Do you want that
to happen to us?

No, but...

Cousin, don't make me
take him back.

I had, when I was a little boy,

I have a dog
on Mypos called Couscous.

And he grows up with me
and he tends sheep with me.

And before you,
he was my best friend.

And when I came to America,

I have to leave him behind.

And now I have a dog again.

Well, Balki,
I know how you feel.

I had a dog back in Madison.

Spot.

I named him myself.

Yeah, he showed up on
our front door one winter

half frozen,
the poor little fella.

We thawed him out,
nursed him back to health.

I taught him
to bring me the paper.

Spot was smart as a whip.

Well,
my little puppy dog Couscous
was smart as two whips.

In the morning, he use
to bring me my sandals.

When Spot fetched the paper,
he used to bring us

each the section we wanted.

When we wanted news,

Couscous used to drag home
the village gossip.

Spot could read the paper.

Couscous could play
the mandolin.

Spot did my taxes.

Bullwinkle.
All right, all right.

He didn't do my taxes,
but he was one

of the all-time great dogs.

Oh, cousin.
I miss him.

Cousin...

Wouldn't it be great
to have a dog again?

Yes, you like that,
don't you?

Yes, you do. Yes.

Yes, yes.

No. No!

No, no!

The bottom line
is our lease forbids it.

We'll have
to take him back.

But, cousin, the man
at the dog prison says

that the dogs that
nobody wants are put to sleep.

And if we take him back
this dog is a dead duck.

Yeah!

Maybe we could work it out.

And Twinkacetti is not
that hard to fool.

Well, you got that right.
He hired us.

All right, if we're gonna
break the rules

we have to do it right.

We'll have
to work the dog's schedule

around Twinkacetti's.

Make sure there's no
telltale doggy signs

around the apartment.

Yeah, yeah.

I think we could do it.

What do you think?

He's thinking it over.

(DOG BARKING)

He says he thinks
we can do it.

(DOG BARKING)

What's he say now?

How should I know?
He's a dog.

Okay, Suprides.
Snack time, buddy.

Here we go.
I got your favorite.

Sour cream and onion, huh?

You like one of these?
What do you say?

Yes, good doggy.

Don't tell Balki
I give you these.

Cousin,
Mr. Twinkacetti's coming.

All right, all right.

Don't panic!

Code red.

Dust sucker!

Dust sucker.

Come on, come on,
come on.

Here we go,
here we go.

Come on,
here we go.

Uh-oh.

TWINKACETTI:
All right, tenants,
listen up!

Here's the new light bulb
for the hall.

Try to make this one last.

(BOTH PANTING)

I don't know if we
can pull this off.

Sooner or later,
we're gonna get caught.

Cousin, relax.

If we're careful,
Mr. Twinkacetti
never find Suprides.

Come on, Suprides.
Something will go wrong.

Something always goes wrong
when I break rules.

We won't get caught.
You are a great planner.

I am?
You are.

Your code red
was brilliant.

Yeah, it was pretty good,
wasn't it?

Yes.

I mean, we're dealing
with a dog here.

He could make a mistake.

Oh, no. Not Suprides.

This is the smartest dog
in America.

Okay, Suprides,
let's go show Cousin Larry

what you learned
in only one week.

Come on, come on.

Sit, sit.

Okay.

(SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Now we are so happy,
we do the dance of joy.

* Dai, dai, dai, dai

* Hey, hey, hey, hey *

Oh, po po.

He's a smart dog.

You see?
There's nothing to worry about.

Between the three of us,
we can pull this off.

Balki, this whole thing
makes me very nervous.

But, cousin, when you're
not being nervous

don't you just love Suprides?

(BARKS)

See? He says he loves you too.

Oh, now you can understand him?
When he barks clearly.

Oh, oh.

Well, he is a
wonderful dog.

He's worth a little
inconvenience.

Now, that's
the spirit of '76.

We'll just do
what mankind has done

for centuries when faced
with a challenge.

We'll adapt.

In a week, this will
all seem second nature.

In a month,
it will be third nature.

In the fresh air.
Proudly.

With dignity.
Let's go.

Now, remember,
when we get to the corner

you and Suprides
get in the dumpster

and I'll push you to the park.

Baby. Puppy.

Yeah, he wants to go
for his walk, doesn't he?

Yes.

All right, you deadbeats,
open up.

Come on, Suprides.

You owe me rent. Open up.
He came for the rent.

Didn't you pay it?
No, you pay the rent.

I gave you the check.
No, you didn't.

TWINKACETTI: I'm getting
ticked off out here.

Okay, I'm writing
the check right now.

Just a slight oversight.

Now, that's two T's
in Twinkacetti, isn't it?

(BARKS)

Okay, here we go. Yes.

Here's the check.
I'm sorry I can't ask you in.

I'm contagious.
I have rickets.

What you got is a dog in here.
I heard it.

We don't have a dog.

That's against
our leash. Lease.

Then what are you doing
with this?

That's mine.
Yours? You eat that?

Oh, yes.
Very nutritious.

No additives,
no preservatives.

Yeah.
You should eat this well.

Why don't you have
a snack right now?

Mmm.

This is delicious.

And if you're a gravy lover,
you just add water.

Mr. Twinkacetti,
you catch me unawares.

Cousin, guests?
Why you didn't tell me?

I was just telling
Mr. Twinkacetti

about our nutrition program.

Balki turned me on to this.

What?
Nothing.

why we have dog food
in the house but no dog.

Mmm? Hmm? Yes.

Would you care
to join us for dinner?

It's nothing fancy.

A-ha!

Dog hair.
Dog hair?

Ah, ah, ha, ha.

Balki, he thinks
that's dog hair.

(BOTH LAUGH)

We were entertaining a couple
of young ladies last night.

They shed.

Norwegian.

Oh, please.

What's in the bedroom?
Nothing.

My girlfriend.
Nothing but his girlfriend.

Inga.

Mr. Twinkacetti,
you have no right
to invade our privacy.

You can't just barge
in here and search
our apartment.

I have every right.
I'm the landlord.

Well, we're the tenants
and we have...

On the other hand,
why beat a dead dog?

Search to your
heart's contempt.

Be our guest.

Why did you make
me eat dog food?

I had to.
Why are you
wearing my clothes?

Don't change the subject.

Why are you wearing
my clothes...

(IN UNISON)
Hi.

Your girlfriend seems
to have disappeared.

Well, she's very shy.

She probably
jumped out the window.

Guys, guys, I know
you got a dog in here.

And when I find it,
you either get

it out of here
or you're out of here.

Seems fair.

Thank you so much
for dropping by.

How did Suprides
get out of the bedroom?

Well, he opened the door.

But I know that.
How did he open the door?

I taught him how
to do it with his teeth.

Well, unless you taught him
how to hail a cab,

I suggest we go get him.

Get rid of Inga.

Don't worry, Suprides.

I don't let Mr. Twinkacetti
take you away.

I'll think of something.

Do you have any ideas?

Me neither.

Balki, how you doing?

Cousin, I can't
talk right now.

I have to think
of a way to keep Suprides.

Balki, Mr. Twinkacetti said
Suprides had to be out by today.

Cousin, we have till midnight.

Well, I think
I came up with something.

I went to an organization
that finds homes for animals.

Cousin, I told you,
I don't want you to do that.

Well, I think I found
the right family for Suprides.

You'll like the Coopers.

Cousin, how can you
think of sending

Suprides to a family
you don't even know?

I've talked to the Coopers
for a long time.

They took me out
to their place.

It's a farm with trees
and meadows and a brook.

And they've got two kids
who are just dying for a dog.

And they're right downstairs.
Why don't you just meet them?

No, I don't want to meet them.

Balki, I don't think
living in an apartment

is good for Suprides.

He's cooped up all day.
He can't get out.

He can't meet other dogs.
He can't date.

But we don't date
and we're okay.

No?

Balki, forcing a dog
to live like us is inhuman.

I think he'll be
happier on a farm.

How could he be
happy without me?

Balki, I know this
is painful for you.

But I think maybe
you're thinking more

about what's good for you
than what's good for him.

They have a farm?

I think Suprides
would like sheep.

Can I get the Coopers?

Yes.

(DOOR OPENS)

Did you hear that, Suprides?

Cousin Larry
has found you a new home.

And he says you'll like it.

And Cousin Larry don't lie.

He says it's got
a lot of trees

and a meadow,
and a brook

and a lot
of children to play with

and some sheep to chase

just like Couscous
does on Mypos.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

I don't want you to go.

But (SIGHS) I didn't rescue you
from the prison truck

to keep you locked
in an apartment all day.

And I'll come to see you
so you don't forget me.

And maybe someday,
I have a farm and you can
come to visit me

and run in my fields
and play with me

and nobody takes you away
from me...

Ever again.

So, if you like the Coopers

and you want to go to
their farm and wait for me

then show me something.

Show me a sign
and then I'll be okay.

Oh, look.
What a beautiful dog.

Balki, this is Mrs. Cooper.

Hello, Balki.
Hello.

Can we pet the dog?
Of course, you can.

Here, boy.
Here, boy.

Well, Suprides
seems to like the kids.

Can we keep him, mom?

Can we, please?

Well, Balki, it's up to you.

Well, that's up to Suprides.

Suprides, what do you say?

(BARKS)

He says yes,
so I say yes.

Oh, thank you.

You're welcome.

Now, you take
good care of him.

He likes to be
scratched right here.

And, uh...

He likes sour cream
and onion potato chips.

We'll take good care of him.

And you can come visit him
any time you want.

Thank you.

Bye-bye, Suprides.

Come on, kids. Let's go.
Come on, boy. Come on, boy.

Thank you.
Thanks.

All right, come on, come on.
Goodbye.

I feel bad.

Well, I'm sorry we had
to give up Suprides, too.

No.

I feel bad because...
I'm a selfish person.

No, you're not.

When you realized
what was best for Suprides,
you did it.

I'm proud of you.

You are?
You bet I am.

Well, then, I feel better.

Cousin, someday can we have,
can we have a little pet?

Well, sure,
I guess we could get
something like a...

Hamster or a fish.

I want a fish.

Well, all right,
one of these days
we'll go to the pet store--

No, I want go today.
No.

No, no, Balki.

All right, all right.
Okay.

We'll go today.
We'll get one fish.

And I get to name it.

Two fish, that's it.

And you clean the bowl.

Can we get the little diver
with the bubbles?

No, we can't get the little
diver with the bubbles.

Can we get that,
that sticky stuff that--

No, you can't.