Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 2, Episode 11 - A Christmas Story - full transcript
Larry and Balki are going to visit Larry's family in Madison for Christmas, but a snowstorm threatens to ruin their plans.
* Sometimes the world
looks perfect
* Nothin' to rearrange
* Sometimes you
just get a feelin'
* Like you need
some kind of change
* Nothing's gonna
stand in my way
* This flame in my heart
* Like a long-lost friend
* Gives every
dark street a light
* At the end
* Standing tall
* On the wings of my dream
* On the wings of my dream *
* On the wings of my dream *
* Through the rain and thunder
* The wind and haze
* I'm bound for better days
* It's my life and my dream
* Nothing's gonna stop me now *
* Nothing's gonna stop me now *
* It's my life and my dream
* Nothing's gonna stop me now
* Nothing's gonna
stop me now *
* Seven swans a-swimming
* Six geese a-laying
* Five onion rings
* Four calling birds
* Three French hens
ALL: * And a partridge
in a pear tree *
Um, on behalf of
Donald, uh, and myself
and our children,
Donnie and Marie,
we'd, uh, like to wish you
a very merry Christmas
and a happy and
a healthy New Year.
ALL: Aw.
MAN: Thank you, thank you.
All right, all right.
You've had your fun,
you've had your food.
The party's over.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Appleton, you and
the turnip, clean up.
We'll put the food away.
I think it was
a lovely party, don't you?
I don't even like
these people.
And you spend
$100 feeding them meat.
Donnie, Marie, put that
stuff down and get in the car!
Oh, yeah? Try and make us.
That's it, that's it.
No presents, no candy.
Boys, I'd like to thank you
for working so hard all year
and I, uh, want to
apologize for my husband.
He really wasn't
mugged on the way
from the bank
with your Christmas bonuses.
Then who give him
that black eye?
(CHUCKLES)
Never mind about that. Ah.
Merry Christmas, boys.
BOTH: Merry Christmas to you.
Thank you.
I can always use
another envelope.
Balki, there's money inside.
Money?
And Mr. Twinkacetti
just said we could, we could
leave off work
ten minutes early.
When will it all stop?
Wait till we get to Madison.
My mom will open
the front door
and there'll
be the smell of hot--
Right, there'll be
a roaring--
around the piano
singing carols.
Guess I've talked about
Christmas in Madison a lot.
Only since June, but...
But I like hearing about it.
I can't wait.
Give me a break.
That's no angel.
That's Little Joe Cartwright.
Snow!
Cousin, come and look.
In a minute.
Come and...
Come and look.
Come and look, come and look.
Come and look. Come and look.
Isn't it beautiful?
I can't believe
even the snow is better
in Madison.
Oh-ho, yeah.
You're gonna love
Christmas morning.
My mom always tries to trick us
by setting the clocks back,
but you can't fool nine kids.
Oh.
And you know
what this year is?
1986?
Well, yes, it is.
What I meant was, this year
I'm the Christmas boy.
Well, of course you are.
Don't be ridiculous.
What is that?
I've waited nine years
for it to be my turn again.
Boy, I love Christmas
with my family.
This is the,
the first, uh,
Christmas I'm going
to be away from my family.
And, uh, I'm going to miss
my little nieces
and nephews laughing
and the smell of baklava
in the kitchen
Well, of course
you're gonna miss all that.
Anyone would.
Did you say
Christmas turtle?
Well, of course.
On Mypos, at Christmas,
the whole family
goes down to the seashore
and we catch
a big sea turtle,
we bring it home
and we decorate
with, uh, glass balls
and, uh, angels
and little strips of tinfoil,
but you wouldn't know
about those things.
Anyway...
The day after Christmas,
we take him back
and put him in the ocean
and he swim away.
But the same turtle
keeps coming back to us
every Christmas.
And...
I'm gonna miss Bernie.
(SOBS)
You know what
I can't understand?
Well, one good reason is a tree
won't slowly crawl
out of the living room.
That's what
the Christmas lettuce is for.
I'm gonna
miss those things.
Well, hey, buddy, I know
Christmas isn't gonna be
the same for you,
but it could be just as good.
to the changes
in your life and move on.
Thank you for inviting me
to share your Christmas.
Well, I wouldn't
have it any other way.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Come in.
Hi, uh, we're on our way.
We just thought
we'd say goodbye.
Well, have a wonderful trip.
Oh, we will.
With the storm coming in,
the skiing's gonna be terrific.
Yeah, I always heard
it was better with snow.
Have a merry Christmas.
Oh, uh, you can't go yet.
(CHUCKLES)
It's, uh, mistletoe.
Merry Christmas.
How did you
make that happen?
Mistletoe.
You hang it over the door
and women have to kiss you.
What a gimmick.
Why don't we hang
it up all year long?
Unfortunately, it only works
at Christmas.
Then I'm takin' it with us.
Well, you all packed?
Let's go to Madison.
Right.
Let me call first.
No point in sitting
at the airport
if our plane is late.
(CHUCKLES)
Hi, yes, I'm just calling
to be sure
that Flight 12
to Madison is on time.
What? What? What are
you talking about?
Well, yeah, yeah,
but it's Christmas Eve.
I mean, people have
places to go, I--
Yeah, well, sure.
Merry Christmas.
What is it?
The airport is snowed in.
Is that bad?
Our flight's been canceled.
We can't get home
for Christmas.
Hello, Mom, it's Larry.
Hi, Mrs. Appleton.
That's Balki.
Mom, we-- She says hello.
Mom, the airport
is closed, but don't worry,
we'll be there, I promise,
it'll just be a little later.
Uh, Mom, please,
whatever you do,
don't let anyone else
be the Christmas boy.
Especially Elaine.
You know how
much she loves to--
All right, Mom,
I'll see you as soon
as I can.
Yeah, love you, too.
Cousin, I found
the bus companies.
It really is easier when you
let your fingers do the walking.
Balki, we're gonna get there.
Yeah, hi,
I need your-- Hmm?
Yeah, merry Christmas
to you too.
I need your next bus
to Madison.
The road is closed?
What do you mean,
a blizzard?
Cousin, we're running out
of ways to get there.
What we going to do?
This is America, we have one of
the most sophisticated
transportation systems
in the world.
Hi. I'd like
to rent a snowplow.
What do you mean, you've
given them all to the police?
Your ad says
"Serving the public
for over 40 years."
I am the public.
What? Yeah--
Hello? Hello?
Great, if I don't get home,
Elaine is gonna get
to hand out the presents,
and it won't be
my turn again until 1995.
Too bad we can't
just take your car.
Hmm.
Yes! Yes!
I've got $300 worth
of snow tires on my car.
Of course,
we'll just drive there.
But, cousin if the...
If the plane and the bus
can't get there,
how you going
to get through with the car?
Balki, blizzards stop wimps.
Not men like us,
men with a mission.
Just think,
there'll be no traffic.
We'll just breeze on in.
Are you sure we can make it?
Of course, we can make it.
It's just snow.
Right, it's just snow.
* Over the river
and through the woods
* To Appletons' house we go *
Come on, come on. Balki?
Balki, what are you doing?
Don't stop now, push harder.
(WIND WHOOSHING)
Because I'm the better driver.
Is that why
we're on the sidewalk?
This car isn't going anywhere
till spring. Let's go home.
I can't believe this
is happening to me.
They call these snow tires.
We'll be... We're not going
to get to Madison.
So we're going to have our
Christmas right here in Chicago.
I don't see how.
Just watch.
Yeah?
We want a tree.
I'm havin' dinner.
Come on, Balki,
the man's eating.
WOMAN: Marvin, in or out,
just close the door.
Look, guys,
I'd like to help you,
but I got nothin' here.
What about that tree?
Balki, when they
chopped that tree down,
it was a mercy killing.
I think it will perk up
once we put it in water.
Oh, right, let's buy it
and throw it in Lake Michigan.
You're in a bad mood,
aren't you?
He's leaning
in that direction.
Look, you guys want this tree?
You got it, it's yours.
I'm freezin' to death
out here.
Thank you.
Balki, this will
never be a Christmas tree.
Cousin, it's not perfect,
but it'll be pretty
when it's decorated.
No matter what we do,
it's not gonna be Christmas.
It's just not there.
What's not there?
The Christmas feeling.
Cousin, you're going to
get the Christmas feeling
when we take this home
and decorate it.
It'll be beautiful,
you'll see.
Fine, you do that.
Have yourself
a merry little Christmas.
I'm goin' for a walk.
I'm going with you.
No.
I wanna be alone.
Ho, ho, ho!
I'm Balki Claus.
Merry Christmas!
It was the night
before Christmas,
and all through the house...
(EXHALES)
Not a creature was stirring.
Not even a mouse.
When, what to my
wondering eyes should appear
On Dancer, on Prancer
and on Donna Dixon.
On Comet, on Cupid
on Reagan, on Nixon.
Feel free to jump in
any time.
Where did you
get that Santa suit?
The same place I got
all these great decorations.
Downstairs in our
very own Ritz Discount Store.
Look. What do you think?
Think the proper thing
to do is to cover
the tree with a sheet.
Let it rest in peace.
Of course,
it's no Christmas turtle,
but wait till
I turn on the lights.
Cover your eyes.
Cover.
Cover.
Okay, okay.
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
The lights don't work.
They always work in Madison.
Okay, wait, wait.
I... There's more.
We're going to have
a big Christmas dinner
after all.
We've got potato knishes,
gefilte fish,
matzo ball soup and brisket.
I'm not hungry.
Okay.
We sing Christmas carols.
We'll do any of
the things you do in Madison.
Balki, you wanna do something
to help me celebrate Christmas?
More than anything
in the world.
Then leave me alone.
Okay.
Now you're making Balki mad.
I'm busting my buttocks trying
to make a nice Christmas
for you,
You're acting just
like Ebenezer Stooge.
I'm sorry you can't
have Christmas
at home with your family.
What about me?
Passing the Christmas bota bag,
roasting radishes
over an open fire.
Roasting radishes?
You're the one that
told me that I have
to adjust to changes
in my life and move on.
You give
real good advice, but when
the table's upside down,
you act like a big baby.
Maybe it's time you grow up.
I don't wanna.
Well, you're gonna have-ta.
Just because
this Christmas is different
doesn't mean it can't be good.
And that's another thing
you told me.
Why am I telling this to you?
Balki, I know what you're
saying and I know it's true,
but it's just not
that easy to let it go.
Maybe you can and I admire
you for that, but I can't.
It just doesn't
feel like Christmas.
Okay, maybe the feeling
will come if we open presents.
No, no, no. We always
open the presents
on Christmas morning.
Look.
I'm Santa Claus and I
say we open the presents now.
Okay.
You can be
the Christmas boy.
That's yours.
Hmm...
You go first.
Okay.
I was hoping
you'd say that.
Oh!
And a Wayne Newton tape.
You read my letter
to Santa.
Well, yeah, I did.
Thank you.
Balki, this is beautiful.
I make it myself.
You made this?
I started it the night
I come here to America
and you took me in.
And every night
after you go to sleep
I work on it for one hour.
So, happy birthday.
That what we say on Mypos.
Because Christmas
is not just
Christmas turtles
and presents, it's also
the birthday of Baby Jesus.
Yeah, I guess
I forgot that too.
But the sheepherders
never forget it.
We were the first ones
to get the news, you know.
Thank you, Balki.
Thank you very much.
(SNIFFLES)
Are you okay?
Yeah.
I was just
remembering a Christmas
when I was six years old.
It was the first time
that I realized
that my dad
buying presents
for my mom and saying
they were from me wasn't enough.
I wanted to get
her something myself,
but I didn't have any money,
so I made her a potholder.
(CHUCKLES)
And it was really
pretty ugly.
(LAUGHS)
But when she saw it,
she cried and she hugged me
and she told me it was
the nicest Christmas present
anybody had ever given her.
And I didn't really understand
what she meant, till now.
Balki, this is
the nicest present
anybody's ever given me.
Oh, wait a minute.
Something's happening.
Yes, there it is.
It's the Christmas feeling.
It's back.
The Christmas lights
come on.
It's a Christmas miracle.
You know, Balki,
I thought I was missing
Christmas with my family
and my friends.
But I'm not.
You're here.
CHILDREN:
* Lay keeping their sheep
* On a cold winter's night
* That was so deep
* Noel, Noel
* Noel, Noel *
Merry Christmas.
Happy birthday.
CHILDREN:
* Born is the king of... *
looks perfect
* Nothin' to rearrange
* Sometimes you
just get a feelin'
* Like you need
some kind of change
* Nothing's gonna
stand in my way
* This flame in my heart
* Like a long-lost friend
* Gives every
dark street a light
* At the end
* Standing tall
* On the wings of my dream
* On the wings of my dream *
* On the wings of my dream *
* Through the rain and thunder
* The wind and haze
* I'm bound for better days
* It's my life and my dream
* Nothing's gonna stop me now *
* Nothing's gonna stop me now *
* It's my life and my dream
* Nothing's gonna stop me now
* Nothing's gonna
stop me now *
* Seven swans a-swimming
* Six geese a-laying
* Five onion rings
* Four calling birds
* Three French hens
ALL: * And a partridge
in a pear tree *
Um, on behalf of
Donald, uh, and myself
and our children,
Donnie and Marie,
we'd, uh, like to wish you
a very merry Christmas
and a happy and
a healthy New Year.
ALL: Aw.
MAN: Thank you, thank you.
All right, all right.
You've had your fun,
you've had your food.
The party's over.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Appleton, you and
the turnip, clean up.
We'll put the food away.
I think it was
a lovely party, don't you?
I don't even like
these people.
And you spend
$100 feeding them meat.
Donnie, Marie, put that
stuff down and get in the car!
Oh, yeah? Try and make us.
That's it, that's it.
No presents, no candy.
Boys, I'd like to thank you
for working so hard all year
and I, uh, want to
apologize for my husband.
He really wasn't
mugged on the way
from the bank
with your Christmas bonuses.
Then who give him
that black eye?
(CHUCKLES)
Never mind about that. Ah.
Merry Christmas, boys.
BOTH: Merry Christmas to you.
Thank you.
I can always use
another envelope.
Balki, there's money inside.
Money?
And Mr. Twinkacetti
just said we could, we could
leave off work
ten minutes early.
When will it all stop?
Wait till we get to Madison.
My mom will open
the front door
and there'll
be the smell of hot--
Right, there'll be
a roaring--
around the piano
singing carols.
Guess I've talked about
Christmas in Madison a lot.
Only since June, but...
But I like hearing about it.
I can't wait.
Give me a break.
That's no angel.
That's Little Joe Cartwright.
Snow!
Cousin, come and look.
In a minute.
Come and...
Come and look.
Come and look, come and look.
Come and look. Come and look.
Isn't it beautiful?
I can't believe
even the snow is better
in Madison.
Oh-ho, yeah.
You're gonna love
Christmas morning.
My mom always tries to trick us
by setting the clocks back,
but you can't fool nine kids.
Oh.
And you know
what this year is?
1986?
Well, yes, it is.
What I meant was, this year
I'm the Christmas boy.
Well, of course you are.
Don't be ridiculous.
What is that?
I've waited nine years
for it to be my turn again.
Boy, I love Christmas
with my family.
This is the,
the first, uh,
Christmas I'm going
to be away from my family.
And, uh, I'm going to miss
my little nieces
and nephews laughing
and the smell of baklava
in the kitchen
Well, of course
you're gonna miss all that.
Anyone would.
Did you say
Christmas turtle?
Well, of course.
On Mypos, at Christmas,
the whole family
goes down to the seashore
and we catch
a big sea turtle,
we bring it home
and we decorate
with, uh, glass balls
and, uh, angels
and little strips of tinfoil,
but you wouldn't know
about those things.
Anyway...
The day after Christmas,
we take him back
and put him in the ocean
and he swim away.
But the same turtle
keeps coming back to us
every Christmas.
And...
I'm gonna miss Bernie.
(SOBS)
You know what
I can't understand?
Well, one good reason is a tree
won't slowly crawl
out of the living room.
That's what
the Christmas lettuce is for.
I'm gonna
miss those things.
Well, hey, buddy, I know
Christmas isn't gonna be
the same for you,
but it could be just as good.
to the changes
in your life and move on.
Thank you for inviting me
to share your Christmas.
Well, I wouldn't
have it any other way.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Come in.
Hi, uh, we're on our way.
We just thought
we'd say goodbye.
Well, have a wonderful trip.
Oh, we will.
With the storm coming in,
the skiing's gonna be terrific.
Yeah, I always heard
it was better with snow.
Have a merry Christmas.
Oh, uh, you can't go yet.
(CHUCKLES)
It's, uh, mistletoe.
Merry Christmas.
How did you
make that happen?
Mistletoe.
You hang it over the door
and women have to kiss you.
What a gimmick.
Why don't we hang
it up all year long?
Unfortunately, it only works
at Christmas.
Then I'm takin' it with us.
Well, you all packed?
Let's go to Madison.
Right.
Let me call first.
No point in sitting
at the airport
if our plane is late.
(CHUCKLES)
Hi, yes, I'm just calling
to be sure
that Flight 12
to Madison is on time.
What? What? What are
you talking about?
Well, yeah, yeah,
but it's Christmas Eve.
I mean, people have
places to go, I--
Yeah, well, sure.
Merry Christmas.
What is it?
The airport is snowed in.
Is that bad?
Our flight's been canceled.
We can't get home
for Christmas.
Hello, Mom, it's Larry.
Hi, Mrs. Appleton.
That's Balki.
Mom, we-- She says hello.
Mom, the airport
is closed, but don't worry,
we'll be there, I promise,
it'll just be a little later.
Uh, Mom, please,
whatever you do,
don't let anyone else
be the Christmas boy.
Especially Elaine.
You know how
much she loves to--
All right, Mom,
I'll see you as soon
as I can.
Yeah, love you, too.
Cousin, I found
the bus companies.
It really is easier when you
let your fingers do the walking.
Balki, we're gonna get there.
Yeah, hi,
I need your-- Hmm?
Yeah, merry Christmas
to you too.
I need your next bus
to Madison.
The road is closed?
What do you mean,
a blizzard?
Cousin, we're running out
of ways to get there.
What we going to do?
This is America, we have one of
the most sophisticated
transportation systems
in the world.
Hi. I'd like
to rent a snowplow.
What do you mean, you've
given them all to the police?
Your ad says
"Serving the public
for over 40 years."
I am the public.
What? Yeah--
Hello? Hello?
Great, if I don't get home,
Elaine is gonna get
to hand out the presents,
and it won't be
my turn again until 1995.
Too bad we can't
just take your car.
Hmm.
Yes! Yes!
I've got $300 worth
of snow tires on my car.
Of course,
we'll just drive there.
But, cousin if the...
If the plane and the bus
can't get there,
how you going
to get through with the car?
Balki, blizzards stop wimps.
Not men like us,
men with a mission.
Just think,
there'll be no traffic.
We'll just breeze on in.
Are you sure we can make it?
Of course, we can make it.
It's just snow.
Right, it's just snow.
* Over the river
and through the woods
* To Appletons' house we go *
Come on, come on. Balki?
Balki, what are you doing?
Don't stop now, push harder.
(WIND WHOOSHING)
Because I'm the better driver.
Is that why
we're on the sidewalk?
This car isn't going anywhere
till spring. Let's go home.
I can't believe this
is happening to me.
They call these snow tires.
We'll be... We're not going
to get to Madison.
So we're going to have our
Christmas right here in Chicago.
I don't see how.
Just watch.
Yeah?
We want a tree.
I'm havin' dinner.
Come on, Balki,
the man's eating.
WOMAN: Marvin, in or out,
just close the door.
Look, guys,
I'd like to help you,
but I got nothin' here.
What about that tree?
Balki, when they
chopped that tree down,
it was a mercy killing.
I think it will perk up
once we put it in water.
Oh, right, let's buy it
and throw it in Lake Michigan.
You're in a bad mood,
aren't you?
He's leaning
in that direction.
Look, you guys want this tree?
You got it, it's yours.
I'm freezin' to death
out here.
Thank you.
Balki, this will
never be a Christmas tree.
Cousin, it's not perfect,
but it'll be pretty
when it's decorated.
No matter what we do,
it's not gonna be Christmas.
It's just not there.
What's not there?
The Christmas feeling.
Cousin, you're going to
get the Christmas feeling
when we take this home
and decorate it.
It'll be beautiful,
you'll see.
Fine, you do that.
Have yourself
a merry little Christmas.
I'm goin' for a walk.
I'm going with you.
No.
I wanna be alone.
Ho, ho, ho!
I'm Balki Claus.
Merry Christmas!
It was the night
before Christmas,
and all through the house...
(EXHALES)
Not a creature was stirring.
Not even a mouse.
When, what to my
wondering eyes should appear
On Dancer, on Prancer
and on Donna Dixon.
On Comet, on Cupid
on Reagan, on Nixon.
Feel free to jump in
any time.
Where did you
get that Santa suit?
The same place I got
all these great decorations.
Downstairs in our
very own Ritz Discount Store.
Look. What do you think?
Think the proper thing
to do is to cover
the tree with a sheet.
Let it rest in peace.
Of course,
it's no Christmas turtle,
but wait till
I turn on the lights.
Cover your eyes.
Cover.
Cover.
Okay, okay.
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
The lights don't work.
They always work in Madison.
Okay, wait, wait.
I... There's more.
We're going to have
a big Christmas dinner
after all.
We've got potato knishes,
gefilte fish,
matzo ball soup and brisket.
I'm not hungry.
Okay.
We sing Christmas carols.
We'll do any of
the things you do in Madison.
Balki, you wanna do something
to help me celebrate Christmas?
More than anything
in the world.
Then leave me alone.
Okay.
Now you're making Balki mad.
I'm busting my buttocks trying
to make a nice Christmas
for you,
You're acting just
like Ebenezer Stooge.
I'm sorry you can't
have Christmas
at home with your family.
What about me?
Passing the Christmas bota bag,
roasting radishes
over an open fire.
Roasting radishes?
You're the one that
told me that I have
to adjust to changes
in my life and move on.
You give
real good advice, but when
the table's upside down,
you act like a big baby.
Maybe it's time you grow up.
I don't wanna.
Well, you're gonna have-ta.
Just because
this Christmas is different
doesn't mean it can't be good.
And that's another thing
you told me.
Why am I telling this to you?
Balki, I know what you're
saying and I know it's true,
but it's just not
that easy to let it go.
Maybe you can and I admire
you for that, but I can't.
It just doesn't
feel like Christmas.
Okay, maybe the feeling
will come if we open presents.
No, no, no. We always
open the presents
on Christmas morning.
Look.
I'm Santa Claus and I
say we open the presents now.
Okay.
You can be
the Christmas boy.
That's yours.
Hmm...
You go first.
Okay.
I was hoping
you'd say that.
Oh!
And a Wayne Newton tape.
You read my letter
to Santa.
Well, yeah, I did.
Thank you.
Balki, this is beautiful.
I make it myself.
You made this?
I started it the night
I come here to America
and you took me in.
And every night
after you go to sleep
I work on it for one hour.
So, happy birthday.
That what we say on Mypos.
Because Christmas
is not just
Christmas turtles
and presents, it's also
the birthday of Baby Jesus.
Yeah, I guess
I forgot that too.
But the sheepherders
never forget it.
We were the first ones
to get the news, you know.
Thank you, Balki.
Thank you very much.
(SNIFFLES)
Are you okay?
Yeah.
I was just
remembering a Christmas
when I was six years old.
It was the first time
that I realized
that my dad
buying presents
for my mom and saying
they were from me wasn't enough.
I wanted to get
her something myself,
but I didn't have any money,
so I made her a potholder.
(CHUCKLES)
And it was really
pretty ugly.
(LAUGHS)
But when she saw it,
she cried and she hugged me
and she told me it was
the nicest Christmas present
anybody had ever given her.
And I didn't really understand
what she meant, till now.
Balki, this is
the nicest present
anybody's ever given me.
Oh, wait a minute.
Something's happening.
Yes, there it is.
It's the Christmas feeling.
It's back.
The Christmas lights
come on.
It's a Christmas miracle.
You know, Balki,
I thought I was missing
Christmas with my family
and my friends.
But I'm not.
You're here.
CHILDREN:
* Lay keeping their sheep
* On a cold winter's night
* That was so deep
* Noel, Noel
* Noel, Noel *
Merry Christmas.
Happy birthday.
CHILDREN:
* Born is the king of... *