Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 2, Episode 1 - Hello Baby - full transcript
Balki convinces Larry to let a pregnant friend from his citizenship class stay with them until her husband returns from a trip.
* Sometimes the world
looks perfect
* Nothin' to rearrange
* Sometimes you just
get a feelin'
* Like you need some
kind of change
* Nothing's gonna stand
in my way
* This flame in my heart
like a long lost friend
* Gives every dark street
a light at the end
* Standing tall
* Rise and fall
* On the wings of my dream
* The rain and thunder,
the wind and haze
* I'm bound
for better days
* It's my life and my dream
* Nothing's going
to stop me now
* It's my life
and my dream
* Nothing's going
to stop me now
* Nothing's going to
stop me now *
LARRY: Slowly.
Now you're coming up
to the step, so take it slow.
You're getting closer.
A little closer.
You're close.
You're very, very close.
You're down the step.
You don't say.
Now, you wanna bring
it straight down here
and we'll just swing it in.
Straight down here,
we'll swing it right in here.
Come straight down
and we'll swing it in.
Cousin, why I make all the push
and you are just stand there
with... Just say,
"Just take that baby
and swing it on..."
Balki, somebody has
to be in charge.
Somebody has to have a plan.
That's me.
Somebody else has to carry out
the plan. That's you.
I get it. As long
as it's equal.
All right.
Straight down here
and we'll swing it in.
Go easy, go easy.
Take your time.
Good, good. Okay.
Swing it around.
Come towards me.
Towards me.
Slow, slow.
That's good.
(EXCLAIMS) Okay.
Now... (GRUNTS)
WOMAN: Balki.
Gina.
Balki, please,
you have to help me.
Of course I help you.
What about me?
You're right, I'm being rude.
Gina, this my cousin, Larry.
And Cousin Larry,
this Gina Morelli
from my citizenship class.
She's from Italy.
She's Italian.
Oh.
This my cousin, Larry.
Hello.
I would shake your hand,
but I'm being crushed
by a refrigerator.
Oh.
Thank you.
Well, you're very strong
for your condition.
(SOBBING)
Was it something I said?
My husband is a truck driver
and he's in Texas now.
While he's gone,
I get evicted from
my apartment.
I have no money
and I can't get
a hold of him.
Balki is my only friend in this
country, so I came here.
Well, you did the right thing,
Gina. We'll take care of you.
Won't we, cousin?
Of course we will.
What did you have in mind?
She stay in the apartment
until her husband gets back.
Oh. Oh. Oh. Uh...
I don't know.
Well, where would she sleep?
I'll give her the couch.
Well, that's no good.
She'd have no privacy.
She has to have her own room.
Cousin says that you have to
have his bedroom.
Wha...
Didn't I tell you
he was a prince?
Oh, you are more than that.
You are a saint.
You're going to love it at
our house. He has a blanket
that plugs into the wall.
You're kidding me.
What's that for?
Beats the socks off of me.
BALKI:
Good night.
(GINA AND BALKI
SPEAKING IN ITALIAN)
Cousin, you don't mind
I put the television
in the bedroom of Gina?
She has my room,
why shouldn't she
have my TV?
I'd put her in my will,
but she already has
everything I own.
Cousin, if you don't want Gina
here, why you didn't say so?
It's a little inconvenient,
but I'll get used to it.
I'm glad we can help out.
Let's hit the sack.
What are those?
These are my Spider-Man pajamas.
Let me rephrase that.
Why are you wearing those?
Because my He-Man pajamas
are in the laundry.
I had to ask.
(YAWNING)
Do you usually sleep
on that side?
Yes.
Why don't I go...
I go to that side.
No, I will go to that side.
I don't mind sleeping
on that side of the bed.
I mind arguing about sleeping
on that side of the bed.
You know, I really admire you.
Why is that?
to a woman I hardly know.
And then, for me, your friend,
you're willing to sleep on
the hot side of the bed.
What do you mean,
"the hot side of the bed"?
Well, about 6:00 in the morning,
see that little hole
in the drapes?
The sun come through that
and it bores a hole
right through your head
like a laser beam.
Okay, other side.
Move. Let's go.
(SIGHS)
Good night.
Good night.
What's in my face?
Dimitri.
He always sleeps with me.
Ding-ding-dang...
Not tonight.
I say my prayers now.
God, bless Cousin Larry
and Gina and the new baby.
And please watch over Dimitri,
who's sleeping on the floor
for the first time
in his whole young life.
Amen.
(BALKI SOBS)
(SIGHS)
Balki, I'm sorry.
I'm not the one you threw
on the floor.
I'm sorry, Dimitri.
Please forgive me.
Well, I just wanted to thank you
for what you're doing for Gina.
Well, I guess you have to
do whatever you can
for someone who's carrying
a new life.
A new, overdue life.
Hmm?
The baby was two weeks ago late.
Good night.
Good night.
All right, rest period is over.
All right, now let's go through
this plan one more time.
Do we have to?
Yes, we have to.
We have to be prepared
when the baby comes.
I'm very unhappy
with the time it's
taking us
to get from the bed
out the door.
Already we do 10 times this.
Let Gina sleep.
Okay, okay, all right.
We'll probably make better
time without her anyway.
Gina? Gina? Wake up.
You can go to sleep now.
Oh. You're a saint.
Yeah, swing her around.
Swing her around.
Straight on back.
Just straight on back there.
Good.
Okay. Yes.
Gina, Balki and me.
Cousin, can you do without me
too? I know my part.
You're not bugging out on me
now. This is all your fault,
you know.
What did you think it was,
a bee sting?
You are wasting valuable
rehearsal time.
Cousin, what
the big deal is?
In my country, every time
a woman has a baby, she
doesn't run to the hospital.
If every woman did that,
we'd have to have two hospitals.
In Mypos, to have a baby
is very natural.
The woman is working
in the field, she takes
a short break,
she has her baby,
and then she cooks
dinner for 11 men.
Look, this is America.
We make things a lot
more complicated.
When a woman has a baby,
she has to go to the hospital.
That is a rule.
Now, do you have a plan?
Well, of course I do.
Don't be ridiculous.
And what is it?
I don't know.
Now, let's take it from
the top one last time.
All right, we're in bed.
We're sleeping.
Sleep, sleep, sleep.
Gina comes out
of the bedroom.
Waddle, waddle, waddle.
I get the suitcase out
of the closet and you
call the hospital.
All right. Ready?
Go.
Wait.
What?
Why do I always have
to get the suitcase out
of the closet?
Because I am
the better communicator,
so I call the hospital.
You are much better at lifting,
so you get the suitcase.
How do you know
I'm not the better
communicator?
Have you ever listened
to yourself?
Not while I'm talking.
Well, there you go.
Well...
I want to make
the phone call.
Okay, fine.
You call the hospital.
Now can we get on with this?
Ready? Go.
Wait.
What?
I don't know
the phone number.
Take my word for it.
It's there.
Now, can we do this
before the kid graduates
from college?
Ready?
Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep.
Hello, hospital?
Baby's coming.
I did it.
Brilliant.
Now, you get the jackets,
I get the map,
and we are out.
I was right.
We're much faster
without Gina.
Good night.
All right.
You get some sleep.
What about you?
I won't be sleeping tonight.
Someone has got to be awake,
alert, prepared.
I guess I'll have to bear
that burden alone.
I guess so.
This must have been how
Eisenhower felt just
before D-day.
All around him, the troops
sleeping. But not Ike.
He knew that one single
mistake
could change the course
of world history.
Was this before or after
Ike met Tina Turner?
Before.
Balki, wake up.
Balki, it's time.
Gina? It's time?
Yes.
Ah, Gina, how exciting.
A little baby.
Mmm?
What baby?
Who are you?
Why am I holding a sheep?
Cousin, it's Gina.
Remember the plan?
The plan? Yes, of course
I remember the plan.
It's my plan. All right,
no need to worry.
First babies
take a long time.
Well, I didn't wanna bother you.
You were up so late.
All right. Don't panic.
Go!
Are you all right?
Yes, yes. I'm okay.
What are you doing?
Calling the hospital.
Calling the hospital is my job.
You get the suitcase.
But I called the hospital
last time.
I gave you a chance to prove
you were a good communicator,
and what did you say?
(IMITATES BALKI)
"Hello, hospital?
Baby is coming."
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
Cavemen are more articulate.
Could you please
hurry? Ohh!
Hello, hospital?
The baby is coming.
Brilliant.
We get to the hospital,
they probably figure out
why I'm there.
Good thinking.
Okay, all right.
No need to panic.
Everything is under
control, all right?
I get the map
and we are gone.
Yes!
My keys, my keys.
Where are my keys?
They're in the closet.
Where is the closet?
Where's the closet?
Cousin, cousin.
Look, look.
Cousin.
Don't "cousin" me now.
Look, look,
I don't have my keys.
I don't have my pants.
I can't do this.
She will just have to have the
baby at some other time.
Why don't you help me?
Oh. Oh, I see. You're
trying to make me look
bad in front of Gina.
Where is Gina?
Where is the mother?
We can't do this
without the mother!
(PANTING)
Cousin, someday you'll
forgive me for this.
Feel better?
No.
Can we go have
a baby now?
Okay. I'll follow you.
Where are you going?
To the hospital.
Right, yes.
Gina, there you are.
Thank God.
BALKI:
Gina, lay down here
and try to relax.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Keep breathing.
Keep breathing.
You're doing good.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
I can't keep this up.
I think I'm
hyperventilating.
(HORN HONKING)
(GRUNTS)
Jeez! Did you
see that guy?
How does somebody like
that get to be a cop?
GINA: How much further
to the hospital, Larry?
Look, I am doing the best I can.
I've got my hands full up here.
Every nutcase in town
is on the road tonight.
The heater doesn't work
and my map reader is back
there with you.
Do you think you could go
a little faster? I think
the baby almost here.
I am going as
fast as I can.
I haven't forgotten
how to drive.
Well, you did when you
first got in the car.
(GINA GROANS)
Wasn't that the turnoff
to the hospital?
Go fast, read signs.
What do you people
want from me?
Watch out for that bump.
I see it.
(GRUNTS)
GINA: Ohh!
Ohh!
Well, that certainly
speeded things up.
Cousin, I think I'm going to
have to deliver this baby
myself.
No. No, you can't do that.
Well, do you want to do it?
GINA:
Somebody better do it.
Oh! Aah! All right, I can't see.
We're all going to die.
Gina, let go
of Cousin Larry's head.
Cousin. Cousin, stop.
Stop now.
Gina having her baby now.
Oh, my God.
(GINA SHOUTS IN ITALIAN)
What is she saying? What's
she saying? Would somebody
back there talk to me?
Who was that?
Hello, baby.
Welcome to America.
Oh, my God.
(HORN HONKING)
Well, little boy,
we've had a big day.
We witnessed
the miracle of birth.
You witnessed the miracle
of birth. I took one look
and passed out.
Of course, the good news is
It was all there.
Ike would've been proud.
A perfect plan to get Gina
to the hospital. (CHUCKLES)
And what happened?
And then you didn't
know how to drive.
I know what happened.
I panicked.
I always panic.
Well, cousin, you know... Blow.
You know,
you had a real good plan.
When somebody really
needed me to do something
really important,
I was worthless.
I am worthless.
Well, if you say so.
Did I tell you that I'm going
to help Gina find an apartment?
I think we're going to look
on Delaney Street.
On Delaney Street?
Delaney Street is all wrong.
It is?
Absolutely wrong.
Gina needs to be in a
neighborhood with good
public transportation.
I never thought of that.
She has to be within walking
distance of a supermarket.
I never thought
of that, either.
This takes a lot of planning.
I'd better go with you.
But that's a wonderful idea.
Gina's very lucky to have
a worthless person like
you to help her.
I see what you're doing.
You're trying to give me
a false sense of self-worth.
Dirty trick, huh?
Yeah.
And I appreciate it.
Cousin...
You know, in Mypos,
we have a saying...
(SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Hits home, doesn't it?
It says,
"If everyone knew
how to herd sheep,
"there would be no one
to write poetry."
Do you know
what that means?
So that's what it means.
What do you say you
and I go out and celebrate
this baby's birthday?
Well, you don't have to
ask me once.
Let's go out and paint the town
red, white and blue.
But first,
let's put on our pants.
Good plan. Good plan.
looks perfect
* Nothin' to rearrange
* Sometimes you just
get a feelin'
* Like you need some
kind of change
* Nothing's gonna stand
in my way
* This flame in my heart
like a long lost friend
* Gives every dark street
a light at the end
* Standing tall
* Rise and fall
* On the wings of my dream
* The rain and thunder,
the wind and haze
* I'm bound
for better days
* It's my life and my dream
* Nothing's going
to stop me now
* It's my life
and my dream
* Nothing's going
to stop me now
* Nothing's going to
stop me now *
LARRY: Slowly.
Now you're coming up
to the step, so take it slow.
You're getting closer.
A little closer.
You're close.
You're very, very close.
You're down the step.
You don't say.
Now, you wanna bring
it straight down here
and we'll just swing it in.
Straight down here,
we'll swing it right in here.
Come straight down
and we'll swing it in.
Cousin, why I make all the push
and you are just stand there
with... Just say,
"Just take that baby
and swing it on..."
Balki, somebody has
to be in charge.
Somebody has to have a plan.
That's me.
Somebody else has to carry out
the plan. That's you.
I get it. As long
as it's equal.
All right.
Straight down here
and we'll swing it in.
Go easy, go easy.
Take your time.
Good, good. Okay.
Swing it around.
Come towards me.
Towards me.
Slow, slow.
That's good.
(EXCLAIMS) Okay.
Now... (GRUNTS)
WOMAN: Balki.
Gina.
Balki, please,
you have to help me.
Of course I help you.
What about me?
You're right, I'm being rude.
Gina, this my cousin, Larry.
And Cousin Larry,
this Gina Morelli
from my citizenship class.
She's from Italy.
She's Italian.
Oh.
This my cousin, Larry.
Hello.
I would shake your hand,
but I'm being crushed
by a refrigerator.
Oh.
Thank you.
Well, you're very strong
for your condition.
(SOBBING)
Was it something I said?
My husband is a truck driver
and he's in Texas now.
While he's gone,
I get evicted from
my apartment.
I have no money
and I can't get
a hold of him.
Balki is my only friend in this
country, so I came here.
Well, you did the right thing,
Gina. We'll take care of you.
Won't we, cousin?
Of course we will.
What did you have in mind?
She stay in the apartment
until her husband gets back.
Oh. Oh. Oh. Uh...
I don't know.
Well, where would she sleep?
I'll give her the couch.
Well, that's no good.
She'd have no privacy.
She has to have her own room.
Cousin says that you have to
have his bedroom.
Wha...
Didn't I tell you
he was a prince?
Oh, you are more than that.
You are a saint.
You're going to love it at
our house. He has a blanket
that plugs into the wall.
You're kidding me.
What's that for?
Beats the socks off of me.
BALKI:
Good night.
(GINA AND BALKI
SPEAKING IN ITALIAN)
Cousin, you don't mind
I put the television
in the bedroom of Gina?
She has my room,
why shouldn't she
have my TV?
I'd put her in my will,
but she already has
everything I own.
Cousin, if you don't want Gina
here, why you didn't say so?
It's a little inconvenient,
but I'll get used to it.
I'm glad we can help out.
Let's hit the sack.
What are those?
These are my Spider-Man pajamas.
Let me rephrase that.
Why are you wearing those?
Because my He-Man pajamas
are in the laundry.
I had to ask.
(YAWNING)
Do you usually sleep
on that side?
Yes.
Why don't I go...
I go to that side.
No, I will go to that side.
I don't mind sleeping
on that side of the bed.
I mind arguing about sleeping
on that side of the bed.
You know, I really admire you.
Why is that?
to a woman I hardly know.
And then, for me, your friend,
you're willing to sleep on
the hot side of the bed.
What do you mean,
"the hot side of the bed"?
Well, about 6:00 in the morning,
see that little hole
in the drapes?
The sun come through that
and it bores a hole
right through your head
like a laser beam.
Okay, other side.
Move. Let's go.
(SIGHS)
Good night.
Good night.
What's in my face?
Dimitri.
He always sleeps with me.
Ding-ding-dang...
Not tonight.
I say my prayers now.
God, bless Cousin Larry
and Gina and the new baby.
And please watch over Dimitri,
who's sleeping on the floor
for the first time
in his whole young life.
Amen.
(BALKI SOBS)
(SIGHS)
Balki, I'm sorry.
I'm not the one you threw
on the floor.
I'm sorry, Dimitri.
Please forgive me.
Well, I just wanted to thank you
for what you're doing for Gina.
Well, I guess you have to
do whatever you can
for someone who's carrying
a new life.
A new, overdue life.
Hmm?
The baby was two weeks ago late.
Good night.
Good night.
All right, rest period is over.
All right, now let's go through
this plan one more time.
Do we have to?
Yes, we have to.
We have to be prepared
when the baby comes.
I'm very unhappy
with the time it's
taking us
to get from the bed
out the door.
Already we do 10 times this.
Let Gina sleep.
Okay, okay, all right.
We'll probably make better
time without her anyway.
Gina? Gina? Wake up.
You can go to sleep now.
Oh. You're a saint.
Yeah, swing her around.
Swing her around.
Straight on back.
Just straight on back there.
Good.
Okay. Yes.
Gina, Balki and me.
Cousin, can you do without me
too? I know my part.
You're not bugging out on me
now. This is all your fault,
you know.
What did you think it was,
a bee sting?
You are wasting valuable
rehearsal time.
Cousin, what
the big deal is?
In my country, every time
a woman has a baby, she
doesn't run to the hospital.
If every woman did that,
we'd have to have two hospitals.
In Mypos, to have a baby
is very natural.
The woman is working
in the field, she takes
a short break,
she has her baby,
and then she cooks
dinner for 11 men.
Look, this is America.
We make things a lot
more complicated.
When a woman has a baby,
she has to go to the hospital.
That is a rule.
Now, do you have a plan?
Well, of course I do.
Don't be ridiculous.
And what is it?
I don't know.
Now, let's take it from
the top one last time.
All right, we're in bed.
We're sleeping.
Sleep, sleep, sleep.
Gina comes out
of the bedroom.
Waddle, waddle, waddle.
I get the suitcase out
of the closet and you
call the hospital.
All right. Ready?
Go.
Wait.
What?
Why do I always have
to get the suitcase out
of the closet?
Because I am
the better communicator,
so I call the hospital.
You are much better at lifting,
so you get the suitcase.
How do you know
I'm not the better
communicator?
Have you ever listened
to yourself?
Not while I'm talking.
Well, there you go.
Well...
I want to make
the phone call.
Okay, fine.
You call the hospital.
Now can we get on with this?
Ready? Go.
Wait.
What?
I don't know
the phone number.
Take my word for it.
It's there.
Now, can we do this
before the kid graduates
from college?
Ready?
Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep.
Hello, hospital?
Baby's coming.
I did it.
Brilliant.
Now, you get the jackets,
I get the map,
and we are out.
I was right.
We're much faster
without Gina.
Good night.
All right.
You get some sleep.
What about you?
I won't be sleeping tonight.
Someone has got to be awake,
alert, prepared.
I guess I'll have to bear
that burden alone.
I guess so.
This must have been how
Eisenhower felt just
before D-day.
All around him, the troops
sleeping. But not Ike.
He knew that one single
mistake
could change the course
of world history.
Was this before or after
Ike met Tina Turner?
Before.
Balki, wake up.
Balki, it's time.
Gina? It's time?
Yes.
Ah, Gina, how exciting.
A little baby.
Mmm?
What baby?
Who are you?
Why am I holding a sheep?
Cousin, it's Gina.
Remember the plan?
The plan? Yes, of course
I remember the plan.
It's my plan. All right,
no need to worry.
First babies
take a long time.
Well, I didn't wanna bother you.
You were up so late.
All right. Don't panic.
Go!
Are you all right?
Yes, yes. I'm okay.
What are you doing?
Calling the hospital.
Calling the hospital is my job.
You get the suitcase.
But I called the hospital
last time.
I gave you a chance to prove
you were a good communicator,
and what did you say?
(IMITATES BALKI)
"Hello, hospital?
Baby is coming."
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
Cavemen are more articulate.
Could you please
hurry? Ohh!
Hello, hospital?
The baby is coming.
Brilliant.
We get to the hospital,
they probably figure out
why I'm there.
Good thinking.
Okay, all right.
No need to panic.
Everything is under
control, all right?
I get the map
and we are gone.
Yes!
My keys, my keys.
Where are my keys?
They're in the closet.
Where is the closet?
Where's the closet?
Cousin, cousin.
Look, look.
Cousin.
Don't "cousin" me now.
Look, look,
I don't have my keys.
I don't have my pants.
I can't do this.
She will just have to have the
baby at some other time.
Why don't you help me?
Oh. Oh, I see. You're
trying to make me look
bad in front of Gina.
Where is Gina?
Where is the mother?
We can't do this
without the mother!
(PANTING)
Cousin, someday you'll
forgive me for this.
Feel better?
No.
Can we go have
a baby now?
Okay. I'll follow you.
Where are you going?
To the hospital.
Right, yes.
Gina, there you are.
Thank God.
BALKI:
Gina, lay down here
and try to relax.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Keep breathing.
Keep breathing.
You're doing good.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
I can't keep this up.
I think I'm
hyperventilating.
(HORN HONKING)
(GRUNTS)
Jeez! Did you
see that guy?
How does somebody like
that get to be a cop?
GINA: How much further
to the hospital, Larry?
Look, I am doing the best I can.
I've got my hands full up here.
Every nutcase in town
is on the road tonight.
The heater doesn't work
and my map reader is back
there with you.
Do you think you could go
a little faster? I think
the baby almost here.
I am going as
fast as I can.
I haven't forgotten
how to drive.
Well, you did when you
first got in the car.
(GINA GROANS)
Wasn't that the turnoff
to the hospital?
Go fast, read signs.
What do you people
want from me?
Watch out for that bump.
I see it.
(GRUNTS)
GINA: Ohh!
Ohh!
Well, that certainly
speeded things up.
Cousin, I think I'm going to
have to deliver this baby
myself.
No. No, you can't do that.
Well, do you want to do it?
GINA:
Somebody better do it.
Oh! Aah! All right, I can't see.
We're all going to die.
Gina, let go
of Cousin Larry's head.
Cousin. Cousin, stop.
Stop now.
Gina having her baby now.
Oh, my God.
(GINA SHOUTS IN ITALIAN)
What is she saying? What's
she saying? Would somebody
back there talk to me?
Who was that?
Hello, baby.
Welcome to America.
Oh, my God.
(HORN HONKING)
Well, little boy,
we've had a big day.
We witnessed
the miracle of birth.
You witnessed the miracle
of birth. I took one look
and passed out.
Of course, the good news is
It was all there.
Ike would've been proud.
A perfect plan to get Gina
to the hospital. (CHUCKLES)
And what happened?
And then you didn't
know how to drive.
I know what happened.
I panicked.
I always panic.
Well, cousin, you know... Blow.
You know,
you had a real good plan.
When somebody really
needed me to do something
really important,
I was worthless.
I am worthless.
Well, if you say so.
Did I tell you that I'm going
to help Gina find an apartment?
I think we're going to look
on Delaney Street.
On Delaney Street?
Delaney Street is all wrong.
It is?
Absolutely wrong.
Gina needs to be in a
neighborhood with good
public transportation.
I never thought of that.
She has to be within walking
distance of a supermarket.
I never thought
of that, either.
This takes a lot of planning.
I'd better go with you.
But that's a wonderful idea.
Gina's very lucky to have
a worthless person like
you to help her.
I see what you're doing.
You're trying to give me
a false sense of self-worth.
Dirty trick, huh?
Yeah.
And I appreciate it.
Cousin...
You know, in Mypos,
we have a saying...
(SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Hits home, doesn't it?
It says,
"If everyone knew
how to herd sheep,
"there would be no one
to write poetry."
Do you know
what that means?
So that's what it means.
What do you say you
and I go out and celebrate
this baby's birthday?
Well, you don't have to
ask me once.
Let's go out and paint the town
red, white and blue.
But first,
let's put on our pants.
Good plan. Good plan.