Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 1, Episode 6 - Happy Birthday, Baby - full transcript

Balki tries to cheer up Larry, who is depressed on his 24th birthday because he has not achieved the goals he set as part of his 'master plan'.

* Sometimes the world
looks perfect

* Sometimes you just
get a feeling

* Like you need
some kind of change

* No matter what
the odds are this time

* Nothing's going
to stand in my way

* This flame in my heart
like a long lost friend

* Gives every dark street
a light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dream

* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dream



* The rain and thunder
the wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life and my dream

* Nothing's gonna stop me now
* Nothing's gonna stop me

* It's my life and my dream

* Nothing's gonna
stop me now

* Nothing's gonna
stop me now *

Why don't they call?

Said they'd call.

I'll tell you why, 'cause
nobody ever returns your calls.

What are you doing?
Making a phone call.

Balki, use the phone,
I'll break a bone.

Boy, somebody got up
on the wrong side of the flock.

What the matter with you is?
Nothing the matter with me is.



Everything's fine.
Just a little tense.

Anxious. Upset. Irritable.

And I certainly didn't get up
on the wrong side of the flock.

(PHONE RINGING)
Hello, Ri...

Hello, Ritz...
Hello, Ritz Discount.

Yes, this is Larry Appleton.

You're kidding.
Great! I'll be there!

This may be
the greatest day of my life.

Now you happy? What is this?
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hekyll?

Balki, that was the photo editor
from the Chicago Weekly Gazette.

Remember that picture
I submitted yesterday

of the burning building?

I've got to be there at six
to sign a release and get paid.

Balki, this is my first sale.
Oh, cousin.

You are
a professional
picture taker.

It's your dream come true.

Now we are so happy.
We do the Dance of Joy.

Balki...

A photo journalist must
maintain a modicum of dignity.

Let's boogie.

* Hi hi hi hi *
* Hi hi hi hi *

(APPLAUDING)

I can't believe it.

This is
a terrific birthday present.

Today is your birthday?
Yeah.

Happy birthday.
Thank you.

What did you get me?
Well, I...

What do you mean,
what did I get you?

I'm supposed to get presents.

You're supposed to get
the presents?

You get presents
on your birthday?

Well, of course. That's
an American birthday tradition.

Haven't you ever heard of that?

Of course I have.
Don't be ridiculous.

I suppose this means
you also didn't bake me a cake?

What can I say?
I'm scum.

Well, it's all right.

Why you didn't tell me
it's our birthday?

I don't know,
I guess, I just

wasn't in the mood
to celebrate this year.

But things are looking up.
"Photo by Larry Appleton."

Well, look here.

If it isn't Tweedledum
and Tweedledumber.

Mr. Twinkacetti, good news.
Cousin Larry sold a photograph.

It his dream come true.

Wise up, Appleton.

right here, until you die.

Grim, isn't it?

Not even Twinkacetti
can spoil this.

Well, I'd better leave.
Well, you got one hour.

Well, Balki,
what if there's a traffic jam?

What if the elevator
gets stuck between floors?

What if
the building burns down?

What if
a giant prehistoric monster

crawls out of Lake Michigan
and eats Chicago?

You're right.
I'd better get a move on.

Hi, Larry.
Sorry, no time. Gotta run.

I sold a picture.
That's great. Fabulous.

Hi, Susan, Tina.
Hi.

He's excited.
He should be.

Let's throw him
a surprise birthday party.

Oh, good idea. When?
Don't tell me.

I want it to be a surprise.

Okay, we put all the food there,
and we put the balloons here.

And what this?

Isn't that something?
Only in America.

You know, in Mypos to do that,
we had to squeeze a frog.

It's Larry.
Oh, he's early.

What do we do?
Okay, okay.

You go downstairs
and head everybody off.

I'll hide the party stuff,
and that way

we all surprise him
at the same moment.

Cousin, how did it go
at the newspaper?

Oh, fine. Everything's fine.

They like me.
They love my photograph.

Oh, it went great.
Everything's fine.

Fine, fine, fine.

I sense you have left out
some small but important detail.

Oh, yeah,
did I forget to mention

that the jerks didn't want
to buy my photograph after all?

Oh, cousin, that's terrible.
Why not?

Well, at the last minute,

they decided to use a
picture taken by some other guy.

Oh.
And get this.

The guy just happens
to live next door

to the publisher's barber.

Talk about your nepotism.

Well, I'd love
to talk about my nepotism

but I don't know what that is.

A baby being rescued
from the burning building.

News value.

The baby wasn't even that cute.

Oh, cousin, you must be
so disappointed.

Well, another birthday,
another banner year of failure

with a capital F
for Larry Appleton.

Well, that's it. No more.
Me, a photojournalist.

Cousin, you just
didn't sell one picture.

No, it's not
just the one picture.

Don't you see
the significance of this?

I may as well throw my master
plan right out the window.

No, no, you don't
throw your master plan

right out the window.

What is a master plan?

Don't they have anything
on Mypos besides sheep?

Well, we got a 7-11.

(CRUNCHING)

See, my master plan
is a schedule

of how I want achieve
my goal in life.

Oh, and at 24, you're supposed
to sell a photograph.

At 24, I was supposed
to win a Pulitzer Prize.

I was supposed to sell
my first photograph
when I was 16.

Well, cousin, call me cuckoo

but instead
of giving up on life

why you don't just change your
plan? Give yourself more time.

Oh, sure, sure.

Before you know it,
I'm an 80-year-old

aspiring photojournalist.

Well, I guess
the way you feel.

What would make you
feel a little better

would be to have
a nice dinner with
some friends, or maybe...

...a party?

A party? Are you nuts?

I don't even want to hear
the word birthday.

"Hey, how's it going, Larry?

That's all I need.

Thank God I didn't tell
anyone else it's my birthday.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

This could get ugly.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

I'll get it.
No, no, cousin.

I'll take care of this.
Go away.

Took care of that.

Cousin, you look miserable.
Why don't you go lie down?

Well, I might as well
get some sleep now.

Just hope my tears don't

I can't sleep.

I'm hungry.

Well, what about some peanuts?

Thanks.

Why have you got
peanuts in that pocket?

Why did I ask?

Cousin.
Hmm?

Cousin, cousin, don't do that.

I'm just gonna
hang up my coat.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

No, no,
you can't come in.

Balki, you invited us,
remember?

I've got Cousin Larry
locked in the closet.

There's no party.
I made a big mistake.

Stupid Balki. Now, go away.

(BANGING ON CLOSET DOOR)

Don't you ever
ever do that again.

Do what?

You locked me
in the closet.

No, I didn't.

What do you mean, you didn't?

You shoved me in the closet
and you locked the door.

No way.

Uh-uh.

What do you mean, no way?
I am not crazy.

Well, you got--

I suppose you're gonna tell me
there was no one at the door.

What door?
That door! That closet!

I don't know
what you're talking about.

Okay, okay.

We're not having this
conversation.

This whole day has been part
of some cosmic cruelty joke.

Ha ha! Fine. Oh!

If Tony Perkins shows up
wearing a house dress

and carrying a very large
kitchen knife,

tell him I'm in the shower.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Oh, you want to wish him
a happy birthday?

Well, you don't
want to do that.

Why? He can't talk to you.

Why? Because he lost
his voice, and that's that.

Oh.

Cousin Larry, come over here.

Here he is. Go ahead.

Are you done?

Well, I don't know
what you said, honey

but he's wearing
a big happy face.

Yes, he is and I just--

All the best.

of my entire miserable life.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

You ordered a birthday cake?
Oh, please. Party's over.

Oh, hey, hey, hey.
You paid for it, you take it.

Of course.

No hot water.
Why should I expect hot water?

I should've gone
into motel management.

Or nut farming
with my Uncle Leo.

No, no. I wanted to be a
professional photojournalist.

Professional loser.

Well, I'll tell you,
it's time for action.

Where are the want ads?

It's time I faced reality.

You know, this is the best thing
that's ever happened to me.

I like that shirt.

LARRY:
This is typical.
This is so typical.

I am suffering a personal crisis
of major proportion,

and you are off in dreamland
with a stuffed sheep.

Balki. Balki. Balki.

(HOWLING)

Nightmare?

Don't do that.

Balki, how can you sleep
at a time like this?

It's 2 a.m.

I've spent five hours
coming to a realization.

I'm a failure.

The only job
I'm actually qualified for

is clerk in a discount store.

Well, good news,
you got that job already.

Have you noticed the time?
Yes, I've noticed the time.

I'm 24. Time ran out
at midnight.

Oh, cousin, you're being
too hard on yourself.

I'm a loser in life.

And the proof is
that nobody even bothered

to acknowledge my birthday.

But you said

you don't want anyone
to even say birthday.

Sure, I said it.
I didn't mean it.

Yes, you did.
No, I didn't.

Well, you fooled me, buddy.

No one acknowledged my birthday.
Not Tina, not Susan.

Not even my mom. I thought
at least my mom liked me.

Even you, my best friend,

didn't go to the trouble
of getting a card to say

"Happy Birthday, Cousin Larry.

"You may be a failure
in every area of your life

but at least
you have one friend."

No, cousin. Wait a minu--
Balki, too little too late.

Doesn't matter now.
My birthday's over.

Did anybody notice? No.

Balki, do you...

Do you think that

Thanks.

I'm pathetic.

(CLANGING)

(CLANGING)

Balki?

Balki, is that you?

ALL:
Surprise!

Surprise, what?

No, it's
a surprise birthday party.

Happy birthday!

But it-it's three in the
morning. I-I don't believe it.

Oh, you really. Ha ha.
You... You shouldn't have...

Who are you people?

This is Max from the newsstand
near the bus stop.

Can't stay long, pal.

Well, glad you
could make it, Max.

This is Officer Finley.
Yo!

Hi.

And this is Sandra
from the doughnut shop.

Oh, hi. Hi.

Could you folks excuse us
for just a minute?

Well, I invite them
to your birthday party.

Now, tell me the truth.
Are you really surprised?

Stunned.

You were so sad. Then, I decide
to call up all of our friends

and invite them to your party.

At 3 a.m.?
That's what they said.

because it's not
a party if nobody comes.

Now you go mix and mangle.
Hey.

Thanks.
Who is that?

Well, I think it must
be a friend of Lou's.

Who's Lou?
Hey.

Happy birthday, guy.

Thank you. Lou?
Snake.

Snake.
Yeah.

I was over at the doughnut shop
and what's-his-name came in.

Hey, you are one lucky dude
to have him as your friend.

Well, not a day goes by,
I don't ask myself

what I did to deserve him.

You don't mean that.
Oh, yes, I do.

It's your birthday, isn't it?

Yes.
Lou told me.

Here you go. Open it up.
You gonna open it?

Come on.
Open it up.

Oh, no, no, this is,
this is really...

Oh, crullers.

Crullers. How did you know?
I didn't.

It's just one of those
gifts that can't miss.

Why don't you
make a speech, cousin?

Yeah. I want a speech.

Speech.
Yeah, go ahead.

Go ahead, say something.

Who are you?
I'm Lou.

Oh, you're Lou.

Well, I have heard
so much about you.

Speech. Speech.
Speech.

Well, I-I hardly
know what to say.

Well, I'm just touched

and moved that you all
went to all this trouble.

Max, Snake...Sandra.

Wh... What can I say?

Everybody,
you're... You're the best.

And I just want
you to know that it's...

It's times like this

that a man realizes
who his friends are.

So I just wanna
say thank you,

and I'll never forget this
birthday as long as I live.

Hear, hear.

Excuse me, sir.
Me and Lou, we gotta run.

I'm sorry.
You're sorry?

Bye-bye. Happy birthday.
Bye.

Okay, everybody,
start singing.

* Happy birthday to you

* Happy birthday to you

* Happy birthday dear... *

Larry.

* ...Larry

* Happy birthday to you *

All right, here we go.

You know, Balki,
believe it or not,

that was one of the best
birthdays I've ever had.

Aw. Now you see
you're not a failure

because you have friends.

Thank you, Balki.

That was one of the nicest
things anybody's done for me.

Cousin, I throw it together
at the last minute...

...twice.

You know, I learned
something else tonight.

I can't give up my dream
of becoming a photojournalist.

Why not?

But who was it that said

"You can't set
your watch by a dream.

"They operate on schedules
all their own."

I said that.

I wrote on your birthday card.

I knew it was
somebody important.

Thanks, Balki.

Well, cousin,
that's what friends do.

Goodnight.
Goodnight.

I think we're out of ice.